Yesterday I got tested at Planned Parenthood for STIs - I had a condom break and better safe than sorry. All in all it was a positive experience, and I'm glad to have a place I can go and feel not-shamed about the kind of sex I'm having (I didn't have to define any terms, either, which was kind of a relief... when I go to a doctor I'd like to not have to educate them!)

I asked a bunch of questions about sterilization (which I still really want to do) and about my nonhormonal birth control options. Apparently I was relaxed enough while getting tested for them to be surprised, as I'm not afraid of needles of blood.

Of course while there, I asked to be tested for a full panel of STIs, expecting that a full panel would cover everything I needed to know about to be safe as a porn performer and as a nonmonogamist.

Here's what I'd expect to be tested for, as a porn performer who sleeps with men who have sex with men:

HIV
Hepatitis
Syphilis
Gonorrhea
Chlamydia
Trichomoniasis

What I'd love to be tested for as well, as best we can:

Herpes
HPV (which I believe I was vaccinated against while in the UK, but I like to be sure)

What, when I asked for a full STI panel, were they going to test me for?

Gonorrhea and chlamydia.

When I underlined that I was a porn performer who had sex with men who had sex with men, they added HIV. I had to pretty firmly ask for syphilis to be covered, citing the rise of syphilis among adult performers. I want you to keep in mind that a porn performer was JAILED for "knowingly spreading syphilis", and while Talent Testing now includes syphilis in their full panel, they didn't always. Planned Parenthood felt that even though I engage in what is called "risky behaviour", I wasn't a high enough risk for syphilis- they would only test me if I showed symptoms. That scares me, especially with something like syph, which is often asymptomatic for long periods of time. I'd rather not wait til my skull is being gnawed away before I get treated- and syphilis is most easily treated within a year of getting it.

I realized that most people would not be honest about the sex they're having, or who they're having it with. They might not know the status of their partners. They might feel ashamed to ask to be tested in the first place, something I think isn't helped by having to wait until you're showing symptoms. Never mind that there are too many cases where people with HIV are murdered when they tell people, which is enough to scare anyone off of honesty. You can be thrown into jail for not telling your sexual partner you have HIV, even if you use a condom, making the risk incredibly low. Ads about STIs are scary, threatening, personifying people with STIs as insects or violent dictators.

Even the sex positive community is often not well-equipped to handle people with positive test results. People admitting they have HPV or Herpes 1 is still pretty rare, and I get around. I personally stay tested as best I can, but with less and less funding towards places like Planned Parenthood, it's becoming more difficult to know for sure what my status is. There's this erroneous belief that condoms prevent you from getting anything, or that only penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus is risky. GONORRHEA OF THE EYE, PEOPLE. It exists. That's why I worry about AB 1576, or mandated condoms in porn. And that's why I worry about how shocked and scared people are of bug-chasing porn. I think as long as having an STI is dangerous and taboo, we're going to see people flocking to risky behaviours, either for excitement or out of fear and shame.

We need to realize that people cheat in their relationships. People don't always tell you when they have something, and they may not always know. They may also think they're getting tested for everything, and really only getting tested for 2-3 possibilities. Getting tested for STIs should just be a habit - I slipped out of the habit of being tested every three months and I regret it, because it was a good habit to be in. I'd love to see people talking honestly and openly about their status, no longer afraid of rejection or violence. I've realized that if I end up discovering I have an STI it's not the end of the world. Look at Natasha Lyonne, who has hepatitis C. She's doing all right. Issac Asimov died of AIDS. Perhaps the more we destigmatize STIs, the more we can push for proactive rather than reactive healthcare. Knowledge is power, after all.

I went to the Curvy Girl Lingerie Show this weekend with Virgie Tovar. I was excited to hear about a lingerie store catering to plus sized bodies, but have to admit I was a little uncertain. As someone who does erotic performance, I've had a rough time finding underwear that fits comfortably on my body but also looks really cute and isn't super cheap, material-wise. I haven't found much, which is why I often buy my underwear from Marks and Spencer out in England!

I needn't have worried. Chrystal Bougon, owner of Curvy Girl Lingerie, had an amazing collection on show, and, even better, displayed gloriously on all sorts of bodies (not just 2x!). I saw things on the runway I wanted to wear, and in all these different cute styles. Not just baby dolls and ruffled panties, either, but all different styles, fitting up to at least a 6x (with the owner wanting to go even bigger with her selection!) And the thigh highs made me drool too (by Kix'ies, which Virgie had pointed out to me earlier and I need to get ON that train).

Lingerie holds a special place in my heart. I mean, part of it is because I'm a femme, and lingerie feels like a particularly femme luxury. Lacey, satiny, soft, see through, floaty or tight, it's all good as far as I'm concerned, though there's a special place in my heart for the things I can wear, hidden, underneath my clothes as a secret self love or, sometimes, as a special surprise for a partner. And of course, in porn I like to have a lot of different looks, so I'm always looking for new possibilities!

The problem is, though, that there's few enough stores that carry plus sized lingerie, never mind plus sized lingerie that actually looks and feels good on my body. A lot of the choices out there are modeled on women who are, at biggest, a size 12, which doesn't really tell me how it might look on me. I'm tired of buying lingerie that doesn't really fit my body because "true to size" means different things to different companies. I'm tired of having to choose between things I can't actually try on and feel on my body and very plain, functional underwear, or underwear that falls apart after one wash. Curvy Girl Lingerie showed me that I had an option (though it's apparently the only plus size lingerie shop in the US. Seriously???)

What was particularly nice about the fashion show was seeing how various pieces looked on bodies like mine, and Chrystal was really helpful in explaining what the sizing was like from each brand. A 2x can fit me in one brand but not in another, so the diversity of bodies showed me how they REALLY looked on.

But the big plus was seeing the confidence on the women as they walked the runway for us. I haven't been in many spaces that cater to fat femmes, and it was really amazing and special to be surrounded by gorgeous women of all ethnicities, ages, and body types walking around, reflecting their own styles and what makes them feel good. I appreciated that not all the models wore heels, for example. Some were professional models, others were not. I felt honoured that they would put themselves out there in this way, as we're not a society that encourages fat bodies to feel good in their skin, never mind sexy.

Also nice for me was that Lelo, one of my favourite sex toy companies, sponsored the event (and VIPs got some pretty awesome toys!). I appreciated the underlining of self love at this event, that sex (our sexual pleasure, at that) was on the table. Even fat bodies in lingerie are sometimes desexed, shown reluctantly as existing but only when it comes to marketing lingerie for wearing very much in private, or as part of an art show. I think it can be easy to forget or overlook just how often fat bodies are not seen or given the same exposure as slender bodies, or even athletic bodies. When we don't see ourselves represented, it becomes easier to engage in self-loathing, and easier to ignore our own sexual feelings, disassociating from our bodies.

I feel particularly lucky as Curvy Girl Lingerie is down here in the South Bay, so I can pop by there as often as I like. And I plan to- I can already imagine the photo shoots and sexyfuntimes I could have with this chemise, or this babydoll, or this bodystocking! Mmmmmhmm.

I remember when I really hated my fat body. I would wear baggy mens jeans, and baggy teeshirts, not because I liked them but because I was afraid of my rolls. I was afraid people would see my cellulite and laugh at me. Thankfully I had a lover who suggested I throw away all my high waisted cotton granny panties and replace them with thongs, with mesh, with cute patterns and bright colours. And even with that simple little change, I began to feel more confident, wear more skirts, enjoy getting dressed. Now I love fashion, but in order to feel that way I had to love my body.

When I wear lingerie, I feel powerful in my femme-ness. Especially when that lingerie fits my body well, doesn't dig into my armpits or strain to cover my stomach. I feel like it's a validation that yes, women with bodies like mine CAN wear sexy stuff if we want, and that we have options that embrace classics like red and black or leopard print, but that also follow the trends with coral and seafoam green.

I'm grateful to Chrystal for all the work she does in proving that, as well as all the models who put themselves out there. And thanks, Virgie, for recommending I go!

Be sure to check out the #losehatenotweight giveaway I'm doing with Virgie! It's for the Hot and Heavy audiobook, which features a piece I wrote among other incredible stories!

Every summer is a constant battle between wanting to feel comfortable in the clothes I'm wearing and not die of heat. My thighs rub together if I'm not wearing tights under my short shorts, and my dresses require bloomers to not suffer excruciating pain. I want to wear light flowy cotton dresses, but clothing stores want me to wear maxi dresses and black "because it's slimming". Ugh.

Virgie Tovar is someone I adore, and when I saw her using the hashtag #LoseHateNotWeight, I realized that this was a perfect call to chubby arms. Not for me the one piece bathing suit with the fat-squishing panels! Not for me coverups to hide myself as I scamper from shower room to poolside. Not for me baggy clothes to hide my rolls and curves, not anymore!

#LoseHateNotWeight is the perfect poolside accessory, as well as your new lifestyle choice. It's my new obsession. I've worried about my body for too long during the summers.

As a porn performer, I'm used to being nude on camera. That doesn't bother me - I feel comfortable there. I think the more I look at Tumblr the more I realize for every person who thinks I should suck my stomach in, there's more who love the soft roundness of my belly, and they're my audience too. I find it easier to not hate my filmed, sexual body, because I have people like April Flores who paved the way and showed me it was possible.

Yet for all that it's still scary when I'm off camera. I worry more about how my legs look in shorts than in a garter belt and stockings covered in my costar's squirt. I'm kind of known for being body positive and owning my fat, but I still feel pangs of hatred when I can't find cute clothes that fit me or my tights get a hole where my thighs meet, again. My legs have been covered in stockings or pants in every erotic photo set I've done. It's so weird to think about how I love fucking on film but show my legs and accompanying cellulite? HELL no.

I'm regularly insulted by people who wish to discredit the things I say. It's rarely about my intelligence, or my logic, but rather my body. We live in a society where women are frequently judged on their "value", often meaning sexual attractiveness by culture's standards, and sexual availability- not too much, not too little. I have always been too much of everything- I take up too much space in every way possible. I used to feel self-hatred for that.

But fuck that noise. #LoseHateNotWeight, right?

So when I did a shoot for fellow fat femme Courtney Trouble, I knew what I wanted to do this time. I wanted to do a shoot with my bikini, thighs bared to the world, while also eating donuts. Because fuck the media, my bikini body is the one I put a bikini on, right? And why not smash a few no-nos for fat women at once- eating in public, and showing skin, especially bikinis?

Every time I'm in front of the camera I feel like I'm doing something to help other fat femmes feel safer expressing their styles/sexuality/vivaciousness. Women are systematically told to shut up and look pretty,  and fat women are told they can never be pretty so should just shut up.

Well, I think that's bullshit. I'm glad my fashion inspires other fatties to embrace their inner style icons. As Virgie taught me so well, "the size may say no, but does the stretch say yes?"

In honor of that, and in honor of a summer without hate, I'm also going to give away a free audio copy of "Hot and Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls On Life, Love and Fashion"! Perfect for you to listen to on an airplane to a vacation, or poolside while you catch some rays.

Also, keep up with Virgie by signing up to her list- you won't regret it, she's an incredible writer!

Enter to Win a Free Copy Here!

I tend to go for toys that are a lot bigger than I can actually use. This is a constant issue for me, as I now own several Outlaw dildos, which I love the IDEA of but not actually using them.

Well, ok. At least, not on myself.

I know, I know, size doesn't matter, but I still feel this weird pressure to perform, I guess. And part of that is having a dildo as long and thick as my arm sometimes, you know?

But then I found a dildo that was so cute, I loved it no matter the size. And I discovered that this little darling was perfect for my penetrative needs, especially since I sometimes go long stints without PIV sex, and especially when I am really really wanting to explore anal play and am really nervous about it.

The dildo I fell for is called the Splish, and it's 4.5" long, 1" in diameter, and looks like a mermaid's sex toy. It's from the folks at Tantus, so you know it's excellent quality and made with hypoallergenic silicone.  It's got a pretty pearlescent colour to it, and also is dual-toned, lavender and white. So pretty! You can put it in the dishwasher to clean it, which is always nice for efficiency reasons.

There's a light texture on this dildo thanks to the liquid-inspired pattern dripping down the sides. It's enough to feel a little something extra without it being too intense. That said, this is a very small toy, compared to more toys on the market, so the texture may not be as noticeable for people who are more accustomed to PIV sex.

What I really want to try is double penetration, and honestly I think this dildo would be perfect for that. It's not too big, it's got some texture, and it's got enough length to feel it without being so long it's uncomfortable. The flared base makes it suitable for strap on harness use, though be aware that often you lose an inch because of the way bodies are shaped. You may want a smaller O-ring to ensure it stays stable during use.

This may also be a good dildo for trying anal play on a nervous partner, because it's just a little bit wider than a finger and is very flexible. My current lovers are a little more accustomed to that kind of thing, so it's a lot more likely to be used on me - for all I'm accused of having a stick up my ass, trust me, it wouldn't manage to squeeze in there, that's how tense I am! I have high hopes that the Splish will help me relax a little so I can try anal play again at long last.

I definitely recommend this toy, as long as you know it's petite, flexible, and basically a step up from a couple of fingers. It'd be a great exploration toy, particularly for someone who is just learning how to enjoy penetrative play whether anally or vaginally. Get your own Splish here!

Thank you Tantus for sending me this sex toy in exchange for an honest and fair review. And if you purchase through these affiliate links, I get a little kickback!

What can I say, I'm a sucker for giveaways, and with summer on the way, what better than two vibes perfect for traveling? They're both super sweet, just too buzzy for my tastes- my loss is your gain (and don't worry, I used the tip of my nose to test, they're perfectly safe!)

First up is the Princessa, a vibrator I won in a contest from PleasureChest.

I wanted to love it so badly, because it's just so pretty and reminiscent of flowers, but it's too buzzy for my tastes. Enclosed is the charger and the wall charger, though honestly I have no idea where the cradle is (I'll look, though, while the contest is going on!)

The Princessa has 3 vibration strengths as well as 3 patterns. There's a pinpointed vibration in the middle, as well as the little stamens, which vibrate and stimulate around the pinpointed sensation. The toy is made out of silicone and is splashproof, but not submersible.

Look at how cute it is. I really love how vibrator design is moving into the realm of art, as well as function. I much prefer to have vibrators that are nice to look at as well as enjoyable to use!

Second up is the Iroha Mini, a cute little vibrator I reviewed from the UnBound Box.

I was honestly really tempted to keep this one for myself, but then reasoned that I already had some smaller vibrators and didn't need to keep yet another "just in case" when there were plenty of people whose bits were sadly lacking in such things.  It has one speed, so consider it an easier to hold onto bullet rather than a full on vibe.

Made with silicone, waterproof up to 50 centimeters, super discreet and taking only one AAA battery, this little vibe is perfect for traveling, getting frisky in tight spots, playing in the pool or bathtub, or just exploring with at home!

If either of these little summer buzzers appeals to you, then enter this contest below for two chances to win! The more people enter the contests, the more often I'll be likely to do them, so tell your friends!

Enter the Giveaway at Rafflecopter!

I am totally into subscription boxes right now, and as I have been terrible about updating my #femmefridays I hope you'll forgive me and let me review this incredible subscription box on a Monday instead.

I'm one of those people who likes varieties of things. I love sushi, because I can try lots of stuff at once, or buffets for similar reasons. I especially like it when I can be introduced to new things, flavours or experiences I may not have sought out on my own, or even known about. In that way, subscription boxes are ideal, and there boxes for all sorts of goods, from cocktail fixings to makeup to bowties to geek stuff to Japanese candy... and on, and on.

Well, when I saw that adult subscription boxes were a thing, I was definitely curious. I could imagine it being a really nice, luxury thing, or being kind of novelty-filled and useless to someone who's kind of seen it all on the sex toy circuit. The last thing I need is another set of sex dice, you know? I've outgrown that sort of thing (unless they're 20 sided, then.... well.)

There's a few out there, but the first one to show up on my door stop was the UnBound Box, a really beautifully presented choice with an online magazine that includes reviews. I liked their brand voice, which is friendly, fresh, and queer-positive in a way I appreciated. I also really liked that they had articles on products I hadn't seen before, which, considering I'm jaded, is very impressive.

As I've been doing sex toy reviews for a while, I recognized several of the toys from past boxes, or that they sold directly on their site, so I figured the UnBound Box would be a good place to start. They seemed to have an eye for quality.

Cost: $65 for a quarterly subscription

I can totally see this being a good gift, as it comes in a pretty box (inside an unmarked box, for discretion). It's wrapped very nicely, though as soon as Foucault saw the tissue paper, he decided it was for him. Thankfully I got the photos done before he ripped the paper away!

I appreciated that the box came with a card explaining the contents, which makes it easy to see at a glance what goodies you got each time. Taking a glance over, I noticed to my delight that the selection was reasonably gender neutral, and everything included could be used for a variety of couples/triples/orgies.

So, let's go through the prizes!

Lovability 3 pack: $7.99

I had indirectly heard about Lovability when I was writing about banks shutting down bank accounts for porn performers. Lovability had some issues with Chase Bank, who didn't want to associate with them because they were considered adult, as a condom company. Anyway the CEO, an early 20s aged woman named Tiffany Gaines, fought back and eventually won the right to have payments processed for her company. I admired her tenacity and hell yeah indie businesses run by women!

Anyway, this is a tin that's cute and kind of looks like a lip balm or a solid perfume. Inside nestle three latex condoms in a really interesting package, which is a bit sturdier than the usual foil. Whether they're easier to open when your hands are lubey or slippery with squirt? Well, I'll be testing that out later. Stay tuned for a mini review! Also they're looking into non-latex options, which will also be nice.

Seagrape Bad Girl lip tint: $6

I love indie makeup quite a bit, so I was excited to see a lip tint in my UnBound Box, especially in a pink that I'd enjoy wearing. I had heard great things about Seagrape's edible body dust, so have been wanting to try out their products for a while!

This lip tint is flavour-free, which I quite liked. Made with beeswax, cocoa butter, shea butter, mango butter (!), and lots of yummy oils, it's all-natural and coloured with natural minerals and micas. It left a very light tint to my lips- not a lipstick, for sure, but perfect for those fresh, sunkissed looks for summer (and less likely to smear all over the people you make out with at Pride!)

If you want to help support small business, especially ones run by women, check out her IndieGoGo as well! There are some nice perks.

Devine Lingerie Envelope: maybe $20?

Devine Lingerie has more of these envelope-styled lingerie bags, but the other ones have fancy crystals on them- therefore I'm making a guess at the value of this particular envelope. I believe it's a custom job for the UnBound Box.

These are made with 100% cotton, and has a button closure along with two small compartments inside to partition everything out. I don't tend to treat my lingerie very well, and it's pretty sturdy because of that.

However, I realized this would be ideal for packing stockings, which is something I often need to do when packing for shoots or smutty weekends away. Considering how often I accidentally get a run in them, or fishnets get caught on a zipper, this bag is going to be a godsend for those situations!

Iroha Mini: $25

This is a really adorable vibrator. It would fit easily in a purse or a backpack, is submersible up to 50 centimeters (so yes, you can use it in the bath), and is made of silicone, so nicely sterilizable. One thing I think is really cool about this vibrator is that 100% of the design was by women- the hardware, the concept, the motor, all of it. How nifty is that?

This isn't a hitachi substitute. It runs off of one AAA battery, so expect something that's a bit buzzy and not particularly intense. Ideal for someone new to vibrators on their clit, for playing with the labia, for pressing against nipples, or for stimulating the perineum, it's just a really cute little vibrator.

It's made by the sister company of Tenga, and have the quality one would assume with that association. 

Uberlube Good to Go: $14

When science and good design meet, I'm really excited. Uberlube is a really incredible lube in an elegant and modern container, but it's also useful for taming frizzy hair, shining leather boots or shoes, a lock grease, a moisturizer, a friction-reducer for joggers... it's actually just useful to have around. There's only four ingredients, and it has an adorable story about how it got created.

What I love about this is that it's not easy to guess what it is initially- the packaging is relatively discreet, it's refillable, and it's travel-friendly being the 3oz required by the TSA and also having a solid metal case.

Now, for the hippies out there- this isn't the all-natural organic lube. That'd be Hathor Aphrodisia, also one of my favourites. Even so, this lube was really excellent even for my sensitive bits! 

Butter-me Bar: $5

So the Butter-Me Bar is a cocoa butter massage bar that they recommend also possibly using for sex or masturbation. I will note that you should NOT use this if you plan to use a condom, as oils can break down condoms and render them ineffective.

Other than that little word of warning- this is a massage/masturbation/lube bar with a big smiley face on it. As someone who gets friction burns from my Hitachi time every once in a while, I figured this might be really useful. Also what better incentive to give more handjobs but to moisturize my hands at the same time?

This bar smells really lovely, and as it's 100% cocoa butter, it's natural and nice for bodies.
Total UnBound Box product worth: $78

So there were some major wins, some eh, and one meh for me in this box, but I appreciate that things I won't use can be giveaway fodder or birthday presents, no harm done. I really liked that nothing in here screams "HETEROSEXUALITY" or even "COUPLES". It's just a nice friendly box of fun toys to explore, by yourself, with a partner, with multiple partners... whatever. I like that.

I'd recommend the UnBound Box, especially since it has things that are generally useful to have around, like condoms and lube. I use condoms on my toys, as well as as my boys (hah see what I did there) and so having some around is always useful. Also since different people like different condoms it can be fun to test them out and see how I like 'em.

Want to try it out for yourself? Use the code "kitty10 " and get 10% off your first box!

Thank you UnBound Box for sending me this sample in exchange for an honest and fair review! <3

Crossposted from Consent Culture to try to relieve the traffic!

***

Elliot Rodger’s misogynist rampage has been on many people’s minds over the weekend.

I’ve observed with interest the conversations that are being had,  about gun control, about mental health, about why exactly white men are so often the ones to commit mass murders. These are the usual topics of discussion, as they were with Sandy Hook, as they were with Aurora. New additions to the table are questions and critiques of pickup artistry, toxic masculinity, entitlement culture particularly around misogyny.

I’ve heard a lot of “not all men”, “well, I’m different”, “this is just one guy, this isn’t a cultural thing”.

Bullshit.

***

Why are men defending pickup artists when they drive personalized rape vans? Or writeposts on Reddit detailing serial rapes (receiving congratulations and further stories of “conquest”)? Or encourage men to overcome “last minute resistance” because women who freely consent are “sluts” and to be avoided? Or publish books that are guides to rape?

Why are men defending MRAs when they regularly employ rape and death threats to women they disagree with? Or defend George Sodini, a man who shot up women at a gym in 2009? Or spend their time complaining about how they’re demonized instead of, I don’t know, *critiquing men who are harassing, raping, and murdering women*?!?

Just fucking stop.

***

Yesterday I went on a radio show. I’ve been on it before, and I enjoy it. The guy in charge is a stand up comedian, who I am generally highly suspicious of because of Reasons, but I’ve felt comfortable on his show and looked forward to a fun break from the intensity of my Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Until a joke was cracked about that old joke, “take my wife, PLEASE”. And somehow it turned into jokes about shoving her into the trunk of a car. I sat there, somewhat stunned, at how people could joke about murdering women when there was so much focus on misogynist violence.

The person who started the joking was a woman. Misogyny- not just for men.

***

Is there something new in the air? One BBC documentary asks if we’re seeing misogyny, sexism, or liberation. I have issues, of course, with the way it equates female objectification under the male gaze as “liberation”, as if to equate the myriad ways in which women do find themselves sexually liberated to women ultimately lying to themselves. But there is some really scary shit in here that needs to be taken seriously. When female sexual liberation looks exactly the same as male gaze objectification, and men are ultimately profiting from it, I too question if we’re really liberating ourselves. Does being a porn star, or burlesque performer, or glamour model, require a personal critique to be “liberated”?

Of course, liberation takes many forms. I’m a porn performer and in many ways I find it liberating, though in other ways I do not. Financial security is a form of liberation. Feeling safe at work is a form of liberation. Accepting and loving your body is a form of liberation.

As long as we live in an imperialist capitalist patriarchy, liberation really only goes so far. We do the best we can with the tools we have.

***

Here’s why you should be reading #YesAllWomen.

***

As a society, when white men kill, we consider them as individuals. Often we want to label them as mentally unstable, even though the statistics suggest that people with mental illnesses rarely commit violent crimes, and the people who do commit violent crimes are rarely considered mentally ill. “If only they sought help,” we say, “then these men wouldn’t be so violent!”

Courtney Anderson responds:

“In a study released this year that evaluated the characteristics of 37 high profile school shootings from 1987 onward, it was found that the majority of offenders struggled with the same kinds of personal problems. Social marginalization and issues at home or work were found in all cases. Feelings of chronic rejection were common and categorized as feelings of being “bullied, threatened, or injured.” Also, it is worth noting that a significant percentage of shooters felt that they had “failed in developing their manhood.” As per the YouTube video submitted by Elliot Rodger prior to the Santa Barbara shooting, feelings of masculine or sexual inadequacy were significant.

It should be noted that reputable studies avoid hyper-generalizations of mass shooter psychology. According to the professionals behind mental diagnoses, the reason for this is because the media does significant damage by creating a rhetoric that paints the mentally ill as highly prone to violence. While psychiatrists support “reasonable restrictions” on gun access for persons diagnosed with mental illness, they continue to stress the fact that it will have little affect on total gun-related violence. The reason: people suffering from depression, schizophrenia, and bi-polar disorder account for, at most, only five percent of violence.”

It would seem that as much as we’d like to think that these people are some “other”, they are not. Like rapists, they are potentially our friends, our lovers, our family, our neighbors, our community leaders. In fact, if the victim is a woman, statistics suggest that her murderer or rapist will be someone she knows.

It’s hard to feel safe when every man you know is a potential statistic.

***

In the previously mentioned BBC documentary, I find the discussion with the ex-editor of Loaded, Martin Daubney, particularly telling. He says how the “New Man” with his hoovering was “asexual” (suggesting asexuality is bad, and that doing “women’s work” desexes men).

When Kirsty Wark starts showing him the teeshirts joking about rape, or hitting women, he recoils, saying how that’s absolutely misogyny. Stand up comics making jokes where women are the butt of cruelty and insult gets the same response.

He obviously SEES that jokes can be misogyny, but not HIS jokes (or the jokes he enables in Loaded), and therein I feel is the crux of the problem. When men say “not all men”, they often me “not me”. But listening to sexist jokes without speaking up, even, does have consequences on behaviour.

Thomas Ford’s research into the effect of sexist jokes on behaviour lays it bare:

“We found that, upon exposure to sexist humor, men higher in sexism discriminated against women by allocating larger funding cuts to a women’s organization than they did to other organizations,” Ford said. “We also found that, in the presence of sexist humor, participants believed the other participants would approve of the funding cuts to women’s organizations. We believe this shows that humorous disparagement creates the perception of a shared standard of tolerance of discrimination that may guide behavior when people believe others feel the same way.”

I found it particularly interesting to read the comments about this study over on the Penny Arcade forum, considering how shit-poor the creators of that comic have been about rape culture.

***

Elliot Rodgers was not unique, however much men are trying to suggest he is. Just this weekend another man shot at women for refusing sex with him in California. A 16 year old girl in Connecticut was murdered by a schoolmate when she refused to go to prom with him. A Californian man murdered his girlfriend when she refused to have makeup sex with him. In Florida a 14 year old girl was kidnapped and choked into unconsciousness when she refused his sexual advances. A woman jogging in California was run over when she refused to get in the car with strangers. Last year a jury in Texas acquitted a man who shot a sex worker when she refused him sex. In 2012 a woman was shot to death in her car when she told them she was trans in response to their flirtations.

And on. And on. And on.

This isn’t just individuals. This is a crisis. And it’s been a crisis for a long time.

Are we only now angry because pretty white cis women were Elliot’s intended victims?

***

I applaud women who are fighting cultural conditioning and fighting back against the men who abuse them. People like the Gulabi Gang, who will beat a rapist with sticks so he dares not do it again. People like Susan Walters, who strangled the hit man her husband sent to murder her. Women are taught that things will be worse if they fight back, but statistics indicate the opposite is true. We can fight back, and we need to learn the most effective ways how. Fuck being “nice”.

***

Martin’s piece in the 2014 BBC documentary sounds very different from his 2012 Daily Mail article, in which he expresses how fatherhood caused him to feel guilt that his work at Loaded may have contributed(!!!) to the further profiting off objectification of women. ”Fortune gave me a son, but not on my life would I want any daughter of mine to be a topless model,” he says, before expressing how porn is “a world devoid of aspiration”. His piece is ultimately not against lads mags, however (in the documentary he says how Loaded “celebrates” women), but rather censorship of internet porn.

This sort of lack of awareness is part of why I think people are so often complicit in systems of oppression. We want to point the finger at anyone else, at the “other”. It’s us. We’re the problem, and we need to fucking address it.

***

I keep hearing from men “what should we do, though? We don’t want to take up space!”

Men- you need to confront each other. You need to speak up when you see street harassment. You need to shut down sexist jokes. You need to tell other men that talking about women like we’re sexual prizes to be won is not ok. And as Chuck Wendig says:

“I understand that as a man your initial response to women talking about misogyny, sexism, rape culture and sexual violence is to wave your hands in the air like a drowning man and cry, “Not all men! Not all men!” as if to signal yourself as someone who is not an entitled, presumptive fuck-whistle, but please believe me that interjecting yourself in that way confirms that you are. Because forcing yourself into safe spaces and unwelcome conversations makes you exactly that.

Instead of telling women that it’s not all men, show them.

Show them by listening and supporting.

Show them by cleaning the dogshit out of your ears and listening to their stories — and recognize that while no, it’s not “all men,” it’s still “way too many men.” Consider actually reading the #YesAllWomen hashtag on Twitter not to look for places to interject and defend your fellow men, but as a place to gain insight and understanding into the experiences women have. That hashtag should serve as confirmation that women very often experience the spectrum of sexism and rape culture from an all-too-early age. Recognize that just because “not all men” are gun-toting, women-hating assholes fails to diminish the fact that sexism and rape culture remain firmly entrenched and institutional within our culture.”

Men, you have a part in this, and it’s in male spaces.

***

Why do men feel entitled to women, I hear?

Here’s why. And here’s why.

Now fucking go out there and do something about it.

Trigger warning: frank discussion of suicide

Ok. I've been sitting on these feelings for a long time, and some of my dear readers have probably heard me rant about this in person, but I have a bone to pick with some of the catchphrases I hear winging around the Bay Area. Really, I have a bone to pick with four that I think actively damage communities we care about and hurt people we love.

And sometimes, I really honestly think it kills them. It would have killed me, more than once. It still might.

If so many people I care about are on the verge of a suicidal meltdown, there is something fundamentally wrong with how we're communicating and caring for each other and it's about damn time we examined ourselves.

Hold on, this is a bumpy ride.

Here's the main perpetrators, in my opinion, encouraging this "individualism" thing like it's not actually another word for selfishness.

"Meritocracy"
"Where the establishment emphasized humility, prudence, lineage, meritocracy celebrates ambition, achievement, brains and self-betterment."
-Chris Hayes, Twilight of the Elites

We live in a time where we culturally know the American Dream is a lie, yet we still secretly hold onto the hope that maybe we'll be the success that's the exception to the rule. We hold ourselves to expectations of pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps, even if we never had boots to begin with. Discussions of how privilege entwines with success are seen as being "overly sensitive" or reflective of jealousy. Even being able to begin to compete in a meritocracy requires technology, time, and often education, none of which come cheap. If we spend our time networking, we wonder if we should have been buckling down and learning things... and if we studied hard we wonder if we needed to talk to more people. Never mind that school (whether university, or graduate school, or trade schools, or even skill set classes) costs money, so in order to go and sustain going, you need to have enough expendable income, or go into debt. Even then, a woman making perfect grades will earn the same as a man with a 2.0 GPA, and being a graduate doesn't protect you from employment racism when you're black, so it can feel pretty hopeless to bother.

In a meritocracy, everyone's a hustler, and your success or failure is dependent on how well you can hustle. This can create a lot of shame and humiliation when no matter how hard you hustle you can't survive and have to ask for help from your community. Mental health issues, various disabilities, and a lack of access to the funds in order to "spend money to make money" can leave marginalized people behind, and often does. Yet people often feel their need for help is not reflective of systematic issues, but personal failings. Some don't reach out, or wait until things are at crisis level to ask, because they're afraid of looking bad and further damaging the possibility of future meritocracy-based success. 

Individualism
"The word "We" is as lime poured over men, which sets and hardens to stone, and crushes all beneath it, and that which is white and that which is black are lost equally in the grey of it. It is the word by which the depraved steal the virtue of the good, by which the weak steal the might of the strong, by which the fools steal the wisdom of the sages. What is my joy if all hands, even the unclean, can reach into it? What is my wisdom, if even the fools can dictate to me? What is my freedom, if all creatures, even the botched and impotent, are my masters? What is my life, if I am but to bow, to agree and to obey?"
-Ayn Rand, Anthem

Individualism proponents are also often fans of the construct of meritocracy, from what I've seen. They want to believe that they're successful, not because of privilege, but because of hard work (and, while they might phrase it differently, they're also often quite proud of the methods they've learned to cheat the system). A lot of these people are US-type capitalist libertarians who want government out of education or healthcare, believing big business would be better at handing these things. I personally cannot think of anything worse than living in a society even more run by private interests, namely because of the lack of understanding around privilege that permeates such discussions, but the idea is growing in popularity. They don't want to share what they have, because they've earned it, and if other people are lacking, they just haven't tried hard enough.

Yet the best players on the individualist field play both sides. Wall Street, for example, deifies the individualist capitalist and enjoys a reputation of being for risk takers while simultaneously taking advantage of terrified graduates by offering them structure. I don't think it's terribly surprising that finance would be the best at this, especially considering these are the banks that are shutting down resources for sex workers, some of the most marginalized people in our society today, right and left. We're living in terribly anxious times. I'm watching my Facebook wall as friend after friend posts about needing to find a new place to live, as everyone with a flat in SF is apparently trying to sell it.

This links very neatly into the next ideal I have an issue with...

Radical Self-Reliance
"Burning Man encourages the individual to discover, exercise and rely on his or her inner resources."
-10 Principles

People who talk the loudest about radical self-reliance, in my experience, like using a good number of things they have not made themselves. Cars. Gas. Roads. Most of them aren't off the grid, making their own power. Many of them are above the poverty line, able to pay for insurance, a decent education, public transport or a vehicle. This point is made in an article by a self-described member of the 1%, Dustin Moskovitz, who goes to Burning Man. While I like many things about his piece, I have to admit when he says "if you want to go, you should just go!", he displays a woeful ignorance of just how expensive Burning Man is. It's not a place for starving artists anymore, much like San Francisco itself is becoming.

Radical self-reliance is easy to talk about when you've got money.

Humans are pack creatures, and we do tend to need each other in varying degrees to survive and thrive. When radical self-reliance is a community ideal, I find that in practice this means many feel pressured not to ask for help when they need it. And this has consequences, often consequences we, as a community, bemoan. Yet what are we doing to challenge it? How are we actively taking care of each other? 

Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
-Don Miguel Ruiz, Four Agreements

So now we come to the end, which is that after you've pranced about completely focused on yourself and your ego, you can pull out the Four Agreements in order to evade accountability. "I'm not benefitting from systematic oppression!" you can say. "And if you're upset at my refusal to engage with that critique, well, that's just a projection of your reality! Upset that I don't care about you/your feelings/your experiences? Nothing others do is because of me!"

I have for real heard this kind of comment and it blows my fucking mind. Of COURSE you affect how other people act/react to you. OF COURSE your behaviour influences the behaviours of others.  Maybe if you're doing things that hurt other people, you SHOULD suffer a little while you reflect on how to do things better. If anything, I think the attitude that other people are entirely responsible for managing their own emotions and you have nothing to do with it is pretty selfish, as well as just lacking understanding of how human interactions work. I don't want to just not be the victim of needless suffering myself, but avoid putting other people in that position as well.

So why do these things disappoint me so much?

Let me tell you a story about suicide.

October 2012 I was alone in an incall apartment I was renting. My fiance had broken things off. I had been told that I needed to move out of the flat. I had put out a message of goodbye on my social media, feeling like I had had enough of struggling, of feeling lonely. I didn't want people to wonder why. I packed a bag with klonopin and booze, made hints about the Golden Gate Bridge, then went in the opposite direction. I had been suicidal before, I knew the way it worked. I knew I couldn't go to the ER, because I couldn't afford it. If I was going to kill myself I needed to be sure, and thorough.

What I don't think people realized then, and maybe don't know now, is I am *always* thinking about suicide on some level. It sits in my gut, hand in hand with my financial anxiety and existential depression and yes, my love of My Little Pony and social justice anger. I think once you have given yourself over to it as an option, it's always there, like a door you can't really close once it's open. But you pretend, and everyone around you pretends, and as long as you can maintain, you might just make it another year.

The people who stepped up were on the verge themselves, which I understand, completely. I know I can count on one hand the people I'd contact in an emergency, however many followers I have on Twitter or friends I have on Facebook. I would like to see more uses of care calendars to help people BEFORE they hit bottom, and to help them rebuild after, for months. If we split these things up amongst ourselves, we can make an actual, sustainable difference.

Too many people I love are close to breaking. We live, far too often, out of spoons, trading that one last spork to each other, hoping we'll all be able to hang on.

So, ok, what does this have to do with radical self-reliance, or meritocracy?

Over and over again, I see waves of desperation and loneliness crash against the shore. I recognize it because I've been sitting on that beach for a long time. And I see communities who are ill equipped to help take care of each other, depending on a few to be responsible. We don't always have social programs to help us. We have people dealing with intense shit trying to push that aside to care for other people while simultaneously trying to take care of themselves. I didn't feel like I could ask people for help because my problems were not as serious as other people's problems, because I'm the rock. "Be self-reliant", I told myself, until I collapsed under the pressure. From my observations, that's happening to a lot of people.

I said about helping Eden Alexander that we're all drowning.  It's because so many people I know are. I am sad every time someone I know, or a friend of a friend, commits suicide but I can't really say it comes as a shock to me. It doesn't always feel terribly worthwhile to try to change the world. But while I know to put on my oxygen mask first, I also don't know how to stop trying to organize, to build something better. I don't know how to walk away from someone hurting and I will pull out of my ass the strength I need to do something. I know the system is fucked and I want to put something better in place, to inspire me and to give hope to others.

I'm not suicidal because I feel there's something terrible about me, or that the world would be better off or anything. It's worse than that, really, and probably why I have so much compassion for others hitting bottom. I know how it feels to have a flurry of care when you're at the end of your rope, but then finding yourself just as alone as you start to try to climb back up. I know how exhausting it is to keep trying to push through, to find your way through a complicated and inaccessible health care system. And I know how hard it is to help someone through it, especially when you're not doing great yourself. Boundaries are vital, I just think we need to be careful not to hide behind them to avoid doing real, painful work. It can't be left to a few because it's really really hurting them. We need everyone we can get on board.

If you ask me? We need to band together to create better systems of care for each other. We need the word "community" to actually mean something. We need to be gentle with each other, to apologize for feelings hurt rather than be defensive. We need to speak the fuck up when our friends and family members are slutshamed for being sex workers and defend them so they don't feel death is their only way out. I can see with the success of things like Patreon that we can redistribute wealth in practical, sustainable ways. I can see with the love outpoured for Eden that we can organize and make a real difference. I actually have hope that we can wake up out of our individualism. I don't know if any of what I'm saying makes sense or is just a lot of rambling, but goddamn it, something has to give and I truly believe we can be better to each other.

We need to make time for what we care about.

I just hope that's community.

Useful Reading:

But You Don't LOOK Sick: Spoon Theory

10 Things You Should Say to Someone with a Chronic Illness

15 Things You Shouldn't Say to Someone with a Chronic Illness

Hyperbole and a Half: Adventures in Depression and Depression, Part Two

Care Calendar for scheduling visits, house cleaning, meals, etc

Do you have a resource you've found useful either for self care or in caring for others? Share it below! 

UPDATE: We do have a new campaign set up here! We've heard from people at this fundraising site AND their payment processor and gotten their blessing, so it obviously CAN be done.

"Cofounder and CEO of Crowdtilt here. Happy to help and pitch in. Jamesb @Crowdtilt.com is my email in case anything comes up. Cannot imagine the amt of stress and uncertainty you guys are going through, glad we can help remove one concern (credit card processing and fundraising)." 

We love you CrowdTilt! Send them love on Twitter and on Facebook!

WePay has responded (summary: two porn studios offered perks on their own, and she was removed for that) and now wants to help restart her campaign! They've reached out to her to discuss it. How kind of them. Too bad she couldn't respond because she was in the ER.

I wrote earlier about Eden Alexander's fundraiser, in which she was trying to raise funds to get the medical care she desperately needs while also paying rent. After having a reaction to a prescription drug, and misdiagnosed care, by the time she created a fundraiser she was in pretty dire need and asked a few friends for help creating and orchestrating the campaign, including me.

She used GiveForward, a service that friend Eric Cash recommended as it had been instrumental in raising funds for his wife, Hollie Stephens, an adult performer who died of breast cancer at 30 in 2012. They also helped performer Cameron Bay raise funds for HIV treatment without any issues, as well they should. Cause that's what we do when shit hits the fan - we fundraise to help, especially since adult performers are often shunned by charities.

And hell, while it's disgusting, payment processor WePay initially funded a revenge porn site, leaving it up until publicly shamed for it, so surely they weren't going to take some sort of moral high ground? Right?

Here's the text of the fundraising page, taken from Google Cache:

 As you can see, it doesn't mention anything about Eden's work. There were no perks offered, no dirty pictures. Just a woman in trouble, unable to work due to sudden, undiagnosed and dehabilitating illness and a sudden change of circumstances at home.

Let's take a look at WePay's Terms of Service, shall we? I've written about it (and Paypal) before.  Here's the bit they decided Eden was on the wrong side of:

According to the message WePay sent to Eden, this is the area she violated. Not by raising money FOR porn, but by being a cam girl at all.

What WePay (and therefore GiveForward) is effectively saying is that because Eden is a cam girl by profession, raising money for medical funds is suspicious and banned. Because we all know sex workers can't be trusted, and we'll probably blow our money on porn rather than self care, and we all have robot bodies that never get ill, right?

However, and here's where I'm really, really fucking angry, here's some other areas they ban.

Oh yeah, WePay? Like "revealing the evils of the homosexual agenda"? How about going to other countries to spread imperialist Christianity among communities of colour? AWESOME SO GLAD YOU FUND THAT


Yeah cool so you're totally not helping fund "love donations" for psychic readings. Cause science has totally explained that.

But you'll totally help people go to fat camp, or get post-weight loss surgeries. Even if it's someone raising money for their partner because he's decided she's too fat.

If they seriously ban everyone who has ever worked retail from using WePay, I'll eat my hat. Not for selling the products through WePay, but ever selling licensed products ever.

That's the problem, see. I get that they're trying to cover their asses, but it's not consistent, and it's not logical. So if covering their asses is the goal, they're doing a terrible job. Instead, it comes off as moralistic judgment calls that make sure sex workers are trapped, unable to get help for their rent, medical care, or other needs outside of the adult industry they work in. Basically, WePay was an idea spawned to fund a bachelor party... but if a hired stripper needs to raise money for medical care, she's shit out of luck.

And the fact is? There's not another option for us to go to. We're wanting to raise money for Eden so that she doesn't have to cam while horribly sick. We can't use PayPal or WePay, and most alternate payment processors have vague terms of what constitutes "adult services" or "pornographic". Because Eden is a cam girl, I guess she doesn't deserve fundraising. And thus we see where the anti-porn arguments ultimately fuck us over - because society makes damn sure that once a sex worker, always a sex worker.

Eden was hospitalized this morning and is now being cared for, but she is still in crisis, chronic pain, and struggling. And it's notable to me that other sex workers were the core of her support network. The fact is, being a sex worker often means more resources are cut off for you. Services meant to help you instead turn out to be frauds. You can lose your job, your home, your children, your privacy, because you were a sex worker. I am hard pressed to think of a sex worker who isn't dealing with a sense of instability and anxiety about being found out and losing everything. Even the most privileged among us are still at great risk. We're all drowning, and yet we're often the only ones willing to take care of each other... a floatation raft of exhausted people, paddling as best they can, knowing the ocean is vast and getting colder every minute, but there's no rescue boat coming. And knowing all the while that our profession demands that we smile and pretend everything is great, because otherwise the sharks (the media, anti-porn feminists, religious nutcases) will devour us all.

I also feel the need to say that we need to make sure to take care of each other when we *aren't* in crisis. Isolation makes minor setbacks into severe desperation. Too often I've found myself overwhelmed when struggling with suicidal feelings, but radio silence when I start to get a handle on it. I know that I, too, focus more on people when they're in their lowest points, and forget to follow up when they've got their head above water. Creating systems of sustainable care are vital for our community to survive. We don't have to live our lives paddling water.

In this particular case, there was no pornographic content, no perks, no lingering on the adult industry, yet it was shut down anyway. Other people have had their payments pulled out from under them for being in the legal adult industry, including me with PayPal. It shouldn't matter, though, whether you mention being a porn performer or not, whether you're a legal sex worker or not. You should be able to ask for help if you need it, rather than needing to take on more dangerous sex work or endanger yourself to survive because you can't raise money any other way. That is some fucked up bullshit and we need to speak out against it, to really fight this. It's discrimination against marginalized people and we need to do something about it.

There's a massive flurry of activity on Twitter about this right now. I recommend sending tweets to @WePay and @billclerico, the cofounder and CEO of the company. Molly Crabapple, Patton Oswalt, Neil Gaiman, and Wil Wheaton have tweeted about this among others. Twitter not your thing? You can email them at legal@wepay.com, call them at 1-855-GO-WEPAY (their offices are closed this weekend, so start Monday) or write to them/protest in person:

WePay, Inc.
380 Portage Ave
Palo Alto, CA, 94306

There's a lot of eyes on this situation, and it's not going to be great PR for the payment processor. It'll also be excellent PR for the company who steps up and offers to process the donations that people are eager to offer.

This is a good time to step forward and be that payment processor, by the way.

Other coverage:

Stand Up for Sex Workers: Eden Alexander, WePay, and Whorephobia by Laurie Penny / @PennyRed

Porn Star (Re)tweets About Porn, Gets Her Medical Fundraiser Suspended by Fruzsina Eördögh for VICE

The Scarlet RT: How WePay Denies Service to Sex Workers and Surveils Everyone by Melissa Gira Grant

Eden Alexander, Crowd Funding, and Discrimination Against Sex Workers by Stephen Elliot at the Rumpus

WePay Withholds Funds from Ailing Sex Worker by E.J. Dickenson for Daily Dot

Crowdfunding Campaign Ends in Disaster for Porn Star by Tucker Bankshot for Fleshbot 

WePay Blames "The Rules" For Withholding Medical Funds from Sex Worker by Nitasha Tiku for ValleyWag 

Crowdfunding Site Cancels Fundraiser For Ailing Sex Worker by Andrew Dalton for SFist

Who Makes Your Money: WePay and Eden Alexander by Bubbles for Tits and Sass

WePay’s Disastrous Decision: Seeing Sex Workers as Risks, Not Human Beings by PJ Rey for The Society Pages 

Porn actress battles crowdfunding processor over fundraiser for her medical bills by TBogg at The Raw Story

WePay Withholds Funds From Sick Woman Due To Offer Of Porn For Donations by Josh Constine for Techcrunch

WePay Cancels Crowdfunding for Adult Performer’s Medical Treatment by Isha Aran for Jezebel