I've collected a few things I've been holding onto for the perfect moment, and with fall coming with its sweaters and snuggling, what better time for a collection of femme appreciation things?

It's been a little while since I've done a giveaway, so why not!

This time I'm enclosing a signed copy of "Lesbian Curves 2: Hard Femme", a signed Kitty Stryker glamour shot (signed to whomever the winner likes!), a mini massage candle from SeaGrape, and a $25 gift card for Sephora. A little sampling of things to pamper in a few different ways- mind and body alike!

This giveaway is open worldwide, and goes from Sept 11th midnight to Sept 17th midnight!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

I get a lot of interesting searches that lead to my blog, some of which ask questions, some of which seek advice. While some of these are really silly, others are heartwrenching and make me want to reach out.

Soooooo I'd like to start seeing what I can respond to in my blog, to answer some of the queries, offer support and guidance, and maybe teach readers something new! 

"kitty stryker weight"

I fluctuate between 240 and 280 lbs. It depends a lot on my activity (it's been going down with the wrestling and the active fucking) and if I'm eating (the less I eat, the more I gain) but it seems to settle in that range comfortably.

"kitty stryker porn movies"

If you're looking for my porn, check out my profile on QueerPorn.TV, Indie Porn Revolution, and CrashPad Series! DVD wise, I'm on Lesbian Curves 1, Lesbian Curves 2: Hard Femme, Lesbian Curves 3: Soft Girls and Strap Ons, Scale Bustin' Babes 47, and I make an appearance in the upcoming porn feature Fucking Mystic, starring Chelsea Poe. I'm also on Padded Kink and Pampered Penny (somewhere in like, 2011).

Keep an eye out for me in Purgatory for GodsGirls, with voting beginning September 29th!

"is there such thing as a butt fetish?"

Yes, there is, and it's called pygophilia! It's considered a form of partialism, where the person fetishizes a specific body part. Different places are attracted to different kinds of butts- in Brazil, large, round butts are popular, while in Japan they're considered vulgar.

"the best sex position for my bbw wife"/"sex positions with bbw"/"fat girl fucking tips"

I'm really, really glad you came to me to ask.  The first thing that came up when i searched for "BBW Sex Positions" was a "satirical" piece by some asshole Matt Forney, and it's insulting, filled with fatphobic lies about BBW health and what's possible, and is otherwise repulsive. But then what do I expect from a guy who has a piece on crushing a woman's self esteem. Other things I found include multiple positions with the penetrated partner on their knees, which can be painful, or involve a flexibility that most *people* don't have, wether overweight or not!

Here's some actual advice, then.

First of all, go for positions that feel comfortable for you and your partner! That should seem obvious, but often isn't. Personally I love missionary position sex, as I'm reasonably flexible and having my legs over my lover's shoulders or spread wide on either side of them feels good for me. I find that being fucked from behind is hot conceptually more than in practice for me, as it puts more strain on my knees than I like. I also really enjoy this position (which I'm struggling to describe in any way other than "scissoring with penetration").

And try those positions again after a few months- I always thought woman-on-top was uncomfortable for me, but with one of my lovers I discovered it could be quite hot and didn't make my knees feel as strained as I remembered.

I did some videos on this topic which you can find on Passionate U, and I wrote a piece called "Fuck Me I'm Fat: A Hot Guide to Fat Sex" which you may want to check out.

"how fat girls have great sex"

That should be partially addressed by the above. ;)

Communication is key for great sex for everyone. That said, I think especially when you're fat you can feel reluctant to tell your lover that you have a a leg cramp, or that your knees are hurting, or that actually when they put you in that position your belly is uncomfortably squished. There's pressure to perform, and fear that if you don't you'll be rejected. But when you don't tell your partner you're uncomfortable, you're unlikely to enjoy the sex you're having, which may make you less inclined to try it again! Talk to them and find some great common ground so you can have hot sex you both get off on. It also helps when you let them know what you like, and what you don't like, via moans, moving their hands to places you want touched (or away from places you don't want touched), and dirty talk.

I also personally find my confidence goes up when I'm wearing sexy lingerie, or when we have a hot scene planned where my clothes get ripped off. The best sex I have is when we both really love making out, when I feel safe in my naked body around my lover, and when I can comfortably tell them what I'm in the mood for.

Additionally, hydration helps with  great sex (and cuts down on cramps)!

"i want hot hot porn sex of fat people"

Check out Aiden Starr's Curvy Casting Couch, the Lesbian Curves series, Betty Blac, Karla Lane, April Flores, Courtney Trouble (not just them, but the porn they film, too) and CrashPad Series for a start!

That said, it's hard to find good porn that shows fat people having hot sex and enjoying it. A lot of companies won't shoot fat performers, and if they do, they tend to highlight humiliation over pleasure. BBW bodies in particular are often fetishized, called names, and treated like individual body parts (breasts and asses, mostly). It's not pretty. Clips4Sale is a possibility, though understand you may have to dig for quality content that doesn't focus on fat shaming on some level. A lot of the content out there is feeder/feedee type stuff, but if you tread carefully there are some hot stores. Buy a smaller sample before dropping a lot of cash on a particular model to see if you like their style.

"which tenga is the best"

I have to say being my lover often involves toy testing, and the dicks in my life prefer the Tenga 3D Sleeves above all others. The Spiral has been a runaway hit. It's easy to clean, reusable, not terribly pricey, and looks kinda cool.

Til next time!

 

 

Sex on the beach sounds great in romance novels or depicted in From here to eternity, but sand in your nether regions can make for a more abrasive reality. Still, watery lust abounds in myth and pop culture – just think rakish pirates and neatly pressed seamen, or sirens singing sailors to their shipwrecked graves. And what about Mr Darcy, emerging from a lake, wet shirt clinging to his chest? If any of these tick your boxes, you’ll want to keep reading.

Aqua vitae
Water is often characterised as feminine. In astrology, water signs are considered to be empathetic, imaginative and intuitive – all sensual traits. The Lady of the Lake, Nimue, rises from the depths to offer King Arthur his sword Excalibur. The ebb and flow of the tide relates to the movement of the moon, also feminine in myth and legend, and equally mysterious.

While it may be linked to the feminine, water isn’t always gentle, and neither are the spirits within it. Russian folklore tells of Banniki – malevolent spirits known for raping and killing those who wander into a bathhouse alone at midnight. Selkies are shapeshifters who shed their seal pelts to reveal human forms. The bean-sidhe is a female spirit who sits by the water to wash the bloody clothes of those about to die. Many bodies of water were considered to house a faery of some kind who would claim a sacrifice in exchange for safety.

Back in the realm of the human, water is often used as an instrument of torture. The Dark Ages are notorious for the forced dunking of suspected witches by way of the cucking or ducking stool, or indeed the slow, agonizing anticipation of the Chinese water torture dripping on the forehead. The lack of external wounds left from torture involving water has made the practice just as prevalent in recent times, from waterboarding in Guantánamo to water cannons in riot control operations.

Relaxing into the mood
Although these frightening associations can give water a powerful resonance, it is just as often used to heal as to harm. Steam rooms and hot springs have been used since Roman times to aid relaxation. Watsu is a form of physical therapy, a muscle stretching technique that uses water to help the practitioner manipulate the body. By using the body’s natural tendency to float, Watsu helps people with limited range of movement access the benefits of other types of stretching, like yoga. Similarly, because water releases us from the usual constraints of our bodies by supporting us, it makes otherwise impossible sexual positions available.

Sex fully supported in water can be fantastic for fat folks who want to try various positions but struggle to have the support for our bodies.  It can also be useful for people with limited mobility, as the water's buoyancy allows a freedom of movement hard to achieve in the bedroom. Be wary about slipperiness, though!

And don’t wrap your legs behind your head in the local swimming pool just yet. Water sex can be a struggle at times and there is lots to consider. It’s difficult to keep a condom from slipping off when submerged in water, so safer sex is difficult. Lubricant, both natural and water-based, will wash away, hindering penetrative play. Chlorine isn’t great for genitalia, and bathtubs are often not big enough for two. So what is a wannabe water nymph or merman to do after exhausting the possibilities of the jacuzzi or the showerhead?

Do some reading
Feeling a bit wet behind the ears? Let’s start with some foreplay: reading erotica to your lover while they’re in the bath or while you share a hot tub Feeling the hot water relaxing the muscles while listening to some well-written smut can be the perfect way to start out an evening of romance, whether with a partner or without. There are actually waterproof erotic books available nowadays, with stories ranging from romantic to filthy and cater to all sorts of orientations and inclinations, so you’ll no doubt find something to soap your dish.

Have a spa
In Sex is fun! Creative ideas for exciting sex, Kidder Kaper suggests recreating a spa experience in your own home. Try drawing a warm, scented bath for your lover and using a warm cloth to gently massage and wash is incredibly hot. You can massage shampoo and conditioner into their hair while they relax, and use a pitcher to rinse their hair. Don’t forget to have a nice warm robe for them to step into afterwards – and a freshly made bed, just in case.

Toys
An exciting follow up to waterproof erotica is a waterproof toy. There’s now a huge assortment of waterproof vibes out there. They’re fantastic for use on your clitoris underwater, but you can also try using it on the head of a cock, or holding the vibrator in your palm while you let the tingle travel down a finger for use around nipples or other sensitive bits. Make sure the toy you’re using is waterproof, not simply water resistant, or you’ll kill the buzz, as it were.

Slip and slide
While you’d expect a wet and wild encounter to add more, well, wetness, the opposite is true: natural and water-based lubricants simply rinse away. The solution here is silicone lubricant – just be sure not to use silicone lube with a silicone toy, as they’re not compatible: the lube can dissolve the surface of silicone toys, making them sticky and causing them to slowly disintegrate.

Go deeper
One of the biggest problems people have with sex in the shower or the bath is having a safe, stable place to rest a foot or hold onto. Nothing ruins a steamy session like grabbing the shower curtain rail and having it fall, or putting a foot on the soap dish and having it break off.

There are suction cup foot rests and handles that use a fierce amount of suction to attach themselves to your bathroom tiles (I've used them, and I'm about 250lbs, but YMMV). As these are light and portable they can travel with you on romantic getaways to bathrooms up and down the land. They’re also fairly inconspicuous, so it’s unlikely anyone will ask questions if you forget to remove them – ‘I put my foot up on that while I’m shaving my legs’ is a good excuse if you need one. There are also suction-cup dildos, and suction-cup bondage cuffs, if you want to liven up your play even more, though these are harder to explain if you forget to hide the evidence.

Ice things up
On the subject of cuffs, there are ways to enjoy the sensual pleasures of water while not immersed in it. Consider a vibrator that you can grip an ice cube in, for example, or one that puts the ice in a sleeve to make less of a mess. Cold vibration against a nipple is an amazing feeling, especially if your partner is blindfolded and doesn’t know what’s coming.

Or rub some ice on a reddened rear in the middle of a spanking – it feels soothing at the time, and the wetness of the skin will make the next smacks sting just that little bit more. Use small cubes for a soothing massage by rubbing them firmly against sore muscles.

Edgier water kinks
For those who like their play that bit kinkier (and have experience and first aid training), combining water with breathplay seems an obvious choice. Water bondage can involve predicaments, such as having someone tied so either they have to pull up a water bucket or stand on their tiptoes. If you prefer simple ties, doing them in water can add a feeling of helplessness and weightlessness. Spraying a bound lover with cold water can be startling and humiliating in a way that’s very sexy for some people.

There is also drowning play of various kinds, but breathplay is risky at the best of times, so adding water and fear of drowning into the mix might be too much. As with all sexual exploration, it’s crucial to do your research, and communicate, communicate, communicate.

Getting wet? Well, experiment! These suggestions are just the tip of the iceberg – there’s a lot of fun to be had in and out of one of nature’s most important resources. Whether shower or steam room, lake or pool, channel the naiad in you and open up a whole new realm of pleasure.

Do:
Use silicone lubricant for underwater penetration
Make sure you have non-slippery footing and things to hold onto
Use a waterproof toy – make sure it’s submergable
Keep drinking water on hand and make sure the water you’re in isn’t too hot – dehydration isn’t sexy

Don’t:
Attempt breathplay without first aid training (and even then, be aware it's still dangerous!)
Use soap foam around the vagina – it’ll irritate
Expect a condom to be effective in water – have an alternative plan for safer sex

Your Wet and Wild Toybag

-directed flow showerhead
-waterproof vibrator (not silicone if using with silicone lube)
-waterproof erotica
-silicone lubricant
-suction cup accessories - handles, footrests, cuffs
-fluffy towels

Three positions to try

In the shower
If you want to enjoy sex in the shower, a showerhead with a hose is the way to go. Doggy style sex makes it easy to hold on, and with a moveable showerhead you can get the spray against your clit while your partner’s hard at work. Many showerheads also have multiple power settings so you can experiment with different sensations.

In the Jacuzzi/spa pool
Jacuzzis (or spa pools) are exciting because of the jets. Have your lover kneel in the deepest part of the water, and with your shoulders and head resting on a towel pillow by the edge of the tub, let your body float. They can use their tongue on your junk while letting the water lap over your bits, or stand and thrust into you as you float.

In the lake or pool
It’s sometimes fun to get up to some naughty business without anyone knowing. So, swim out till you get into some water that’s chest high. Have your lover lift you up, using the buoyancy of the water to support your weight as you wrap your legs around them and you kiss. They can now stimulate you with their fingers. If you’re with someone with a cock (silicone or otherwise!) they can lift you onto their cock for some underwater sex.

I just got back from a mini vacation near Guerneville. A quaint cabin in the woods, even, complete with a hot tub, a grill, and a murder shed in the backyard. It was easier than I expected to not spend the weekend on my phone, mainly because there was no signal- so I was forced to leave my laptop be, not write frantically on the various topics I have lined up in my ratty notebook. But I found myself glancing at my email, often torn between wanting to soak in the tub or play games and wanting to use the peaceful time to crank out half-written articles.

It's not just this weekend- I find that vacations stress me out. Like, work is stressful, but I feel productive and I know where I stand, I accomplish things, and I enjoy my job. Vacations, though, involve this feeling of needing to make it "worthwhile", as rather than making money I'm spending it. So when I go to a new place, I feel the need to find all the fun things to do in that area, and systematically do them, ticking each one off some imaginary list. I also pressure myself to take photos so that when I later write about my vacation (which of course I will do) I'll have something to post. A new area is often inspiration for a small photo shoot, too, for social media purposes. It's hard to turn off the marketing brain.

Even with some stress-relieving measures in place, I still have a hard time letting my franticness go, allowing myself to move at a slower pace. I think this can be an issue for people dealing with anxiety issues generally, as we have a tendency to never chill out, and thus burn out faster. I mean, I'm a freelancer, which is both a benefit and a curse- I don't require permission to take time off, but I also don't get paid for it. Thing is, neither do most Americans, unlike every other developed country in the world.

I've found it useful to set myself ground rules so my vacations work like a vacation, while also catering a bit to my neurosis. Setting myself only a certain amount of time to sit in front of a screen gives me a chance to see if i'm actually going to get anything done, and I can answer anything particularly important. I find a timer, or a playlist, helps me not get lost on the internet instead of enjoying my time off. I also like to leave the house/hotel for small adventures, especially ones that involve wandering around exploring rather than a list of sights to see. I try to take a few smaller vacations a year versus one long one, so I can play catchup on work more easily. Finally I've learned to let people I'm working closely with know I'll be away, so I can feel ok with marking work emails as priorities to look at... when I get back.

All of this is echoed in this article on making the most out of your vacation, which is pretty good. The one issue I have with it is the assumption you work a regular 9-5 job, which most of the people I know don't do, so the advice may not entirely fit. I'll definitely add that when vacations aren't doable, little at-home getaways (a massage, a hot tub, a hot bath with some tea and a good book, etc) can make a big difference between wanting to rip your hair out and actually having a moment to breathe.

Self care doesn't come easy, especially when vacations feel like escapism. I'm still learning that it's ok to opt out of reading tweets and Facebook posts, that there's always more things to be upset about and it's ok to take a break for a while. I found this pdf on self care and activist burnout helpful in identifying my own feelings, and maybe it'll help you too. Sometimes just having a sleepover at a friend's house can be the vacation and change of scene you need to recenter yourself- I know having the occasional jaunt down to Santa Cruz has been enough to help me focus on my work and activism. Still, too long away and I begin to feel guilty, wanting to get back to work. I'm not entirely sure if it's just because I like my job, or because I have been taught to feel bad for not working hard.

One day I'll learn how to take a vacation that's not a working vacation!

What prevents you from self care? What obstacles have you found when trying to take a vacation? Have you overcome them? What steps do you take?

There is something about the moment of truth when kissing someone hard, our hands on each other's bodies, and you encounter fabric when you crave skin. At least for me, there's a flutter of destructive passion, a desire to rip through any and all layers to get to what's beneath as quickly as possible.

Or there's also beauty in the glinting of a knife against cloth, the tip sliding between the fibers and splitting them apart, knowing full well that to shift even a centimeter could mean to cut layers of skin just as easily. The flick of the blade locking into place sends a shiver down my spine as I lie there, waiting for the first slit.

Showing up on your doorstep and telling you that everything I was wearing was destroyable was erotic beyond belief. Having you use your hands to pull apart my stockings and my dress made me wet for you, as I oscillated wildly between wanting to be ravished and wanting to tear into you with teeth and nails. When you ripped your shirt in two, exposing your bare chest, there was nothing else in my head but lust.

Who needs meditation?

This is a lesson in impermanence, as you tear my stockings away from my cunt and cut my panties from me. Why cling to the preservation of Things, and Stuff, when letting them go can be equally as beautiful? I'm learning how to live in the moment, not to grasp, but to relax and open my hands and heart. I can breathe deeply, enjoy the perfume of my squirted juices on the remnants of a stained dress, and then be rid of it. I know, I know, it's wasteful, which is why I restrict my reveling in this pleasure for clothes that are too worn to be wearable. I may want you to cut my clothes off me, strip me slowly while you let your gaze wander over my skin, your hand around my throat- but I still have my ethics.

It's about sex, sure, but it's also about evolving, learning, growing.  I'm new to this idea of loving without clinging and I'm drunk on it. Caring for someone without feeling terrified, trusting them, not waiting for the other anvil to drop... it feels a little fresh for me. I'm still a bit raw, but I'm comfortable sitting with that, here, and now. It's not just about the clothes, either, the femme layers I wrap around myself for safety, though the way you fuck my makeup off my face could be read as symbolic. I don't feel the need to hide, or wear armor. I am aroused, and undone, by my willingness to be exposed to you.

Sometimes, I do worry that I enjoy it all too much, that I'm too intense, or too invested. I have not been allowed to indulge my desires freely for most of my life, and have kept my fantasies contained. I'm afraid to want, afraid to ask, afraid my meeting your libido with my own will scare you off. Sometimes when we touch I can't believe it, it seems unreal and I want to pinch myself to check that I'm not deluding myself. My heart beats faster.

But when you tear holes in my stockings to get to me faster, I accept, and I trust, and I let go.

I don't need to rehash the past, and I don't need to plan the future.

Just be in the moment- you, me, and that sharp knife.

I love wearing thigh highs- the way they frame my ass makes me feel sexy, tempting. But I struggle, often, to find thigh highs in the variety I want- some that look vintage, some that look hipsterish, some that look professional. The ones I find require a garter belt, which can be irritating, since finding plus size garter belts that look good and aren't hella expensive is also difficult. And even some plus sized thigh highs don't fit my thighs, so what's a high femme to do?

On the recommendation of the always fabulous Virgie Tovar, I talked to Curvy Girl Lingerie about reviewing this new thigh high brand, Kix'ies.  I was a little apprehensive, because a lot of plus size thigh highs claim to be stay up and then just aren't, never mind how they usually dig into your thighs, creating a weird, sausage-stuffed-into-a-rubber-band type look.

Kix'ies bypass this by having different lengths, and different sized thighs, which seems so incredibly logical and yet never happens! From size A (up to 20" thigh circumference) to D (up to 35" thigh circumference) there's a good range of sizing options, and the fact that the actual circumference of your thigh is listed helps you get a decent fit. The B and the D are a bit taller (5'5"-6') and the A and C are a bit shorter (4'11"-5'5").

I loved the pattern choices with these, sensible options that were also a bit fun and not just in black. I like the nude fishnets, which I want to get at some point, and the white polka dotted ones will be lovely with some of my vintage clothes. I got the argyle and the pinstriped ones to review, and they both looked great on (the pinstripe worked, which I was worried about as I figured molding around legs might warp the stripes in a weird way but it didn't).

That said, I found that even the size D, which fit perfectly over my thighs and ideally would've been long enough, didn't go quite as high as I would've liked. As one of the reasons I wear tights instead of thigh highs is getting the dreaded chub rub, I prefer my thigh highs to cover the areas of chafing with their lace/hold up bit. When I tried to gently roll up my pinstripe ones with gloves on to try and avoid damage, they still gave way when they got a couple inches over my knee (causing me to need a replacement pair). I like how these look, but they're more like over the knee socks than thigh highs, at least on my body, and sadly wearing them out did end up with me getting chub rub. Owie.

That said, the important thing is the stay up power. I tried these with a garter belt with a lot of success- the hold up bit is designed with these little fibers, which is what keeps the constriction even all the way around. The fibers move out of the way to accommodate a garter clip, ensuring the stocking tops don't tear or get otherwise damaged. That's one of my favourite parts about these thigh highs!

I also wore them without a garter belt, telling my lover that we had to test out how well they stood up to "vigorous activity". Fondling didn't make them budge, nor did the copious amount of energetic fucking they inspired (and we're both porn performers, so we gave these a pretty good workout). Whether I was dry or sweating, these stuck nicely to my legs without being uncomfortable. In terms of the look of thigh high stockings, they got heavy and lustful approval.

I would definitely recommend Kix'ies, though the chub rub thing is something I'd encourage people to be aware of. I ended up using Silky Underwear dusting powder from Lush, and that worked well for me- other people swear by silicone lube or cyclist anti-chafing sticks. I like how they look, and I love their stay up power. I wish their social media was a little more open to critique, as when I said how pulling them to thigh high length caused me to tear a hole in the stained stockings whoever they had on Twitter was slightly condescending about what size I chose or how I put them on. Still, this is one of the best options on the market if you want thigh highs in a variety of sizes that will stay where you put them, won't roll down, and won't dig into your tender flesh.

Thank you, Kix'ies and Curvy Girl Lingerie for providing me with these in exchange for an honest and fair review!

I love a pretty dildo. I have different ones for my different moods, different outfits, different lovers. It's good to have a variety, right? A girl needs a cock for every occasion, and I'm well on my way. I have more dicks than shoes.

What? I have my priorities straight.

The Bound cock (currently on sale, btw!) is a collaboration between SheVibe (designer) and Tantus (manufacturer), two of my favourite companies. It's got an interesting, fleshy feel to it, unlike any of their other dildos, and I quite liked the bulging veins, the way the rope dug into the cock. It's actually the first dildo I've been turned on by just looking at it. It's pretty sexy. I mean, I'm not a fan of rope bondage generally, because it takes too fucking long to tie and untie (duct tape and cling film, any day), but the look of this all straining against the rope made me rethink that for a second.

Obviously, this is a textured dick. Heavily textured. It's not a monster, at 6.3" and 1.6" girth, but that doesn't matter. It feels bigger than it is, and it's a rough ride. As someone who likes rough sex this was right up my alley, but someone who prefers a gentler approach might prefer something else from Tantus like the Flurry (which, incidentally, is also on sale).

It's well proportioned to work in a strap on harness, and has a nice firmness that would lend itself to pegging (though, again and underlined, it's pretty rough!) I would recommend using a lot of lube with this, thick lube, more than you think you need. Don't worry, the texture will shine through layers of thick lubey goodness. It'll rub against your G-spot or prostrate even without a curve in the toy, thanks to the bulges. I don't recommend using this anally for a novice, though, even though the smaller size seems ideal- that texture is intense!

The Bound cock comes in black, cocoa and cream. When you first receive it, there may be some little pills of silicone around the ropes, which easily brush off.  It's boilable, non-porous, body-safe, latex- and phthalate-free, so pretty safe for bodies generally (which is to be expected from a high quality company like Tantus!) It doesn't pick up too much lint, being more matte, but will still benefit from a quick rub down cleaning before use.

I really love this toy, because I like cocks straining against bondage generally so a dildo that looks that way is just <3 <3 <3. It's gorgeously filthy and the sensations I got using it were intensely pleasurable for me. It's pretty affordable, especially now that it's on sale, so consider picking one up from SheVibe today!

Thank you, SheVibe, for sending me the Bound cock by Tantus in exchange for an honest and fair review!

Massive trigger warnings about domestic violence (described and photographed), rape, rape apologism, entitlement culture, police

I've written before on crowdfunding's betrayal of sex workers, and how ridiculous their rules are that they ban sex workers entirely, whether they're crowdfunding adult work or medical expenses.

There's been a lot of press about MMA fighter War Machine's near-fatal abuse of his ex girlfriend Christy Mack earlier this week. While some of the commentary has been the expected sex worker bashing, "but we don't KNOW he did it!" type apologist bullshit, there's also been some very thoughtful articles. The cops apparently hung up on 911 calls the night of the attack, and called her injuries non life threatening at first, which doesn't surprise me but underlines how little the cops care about domestic violence or sex workers. Still, I'm glad to see that Christy Mack is being supported by a good number of people, who have compassion for what it's like to live in an abusive relationship, are horrified by the way he spoke about her, and don't think that her being a porn performer should be reason for her to be assaulted.

I certainly understand how horrifying intimate partner violence can be, and how hard it is to leave. This is fucking personal.

There's another piece coming on Consent Culture about domestic violence and MMA, but I want to address something that became starkly clear when it came to the aftermath of Jon Koppenhaver's arrest. And that's the messed up ethics of crowdfunding.

As I've discussed before, sex workers have regularly had their attempts to crowdfund medical care, travel, and other things shut down because they're sex workers, or have ever been sex workers. The purposefully vague language of the terms of service for many of these companies means they can determine what's "too adult" seemingly on a whim. I'm glad to see Christy Mack hasn't had her medical fundraiser challenged due to her profession, as Eden Alexander did, and I hope that crowdfunding has made a decision to stop penalizing sex workers for their jobs.

What sickens me, however, is that a fundraiser for War Machine, a.k.a. Jon Koppenhaver, is remaining up despite multiple challenges. Two other fundraisers that purported to be raising money for War Machine's defense were shut down, with GiveForward offering an *apology* and advice:

Of course, War Machine's supporters took this as complicity with their goal of raising money for a serial abuser, who had "joked" about murdering Christy Mack before.

And it is, which is why I will not be using GiveForward in the future, and encourage you to make the same choice.

When they took the fundraiser for his legal defense down (it's now back, stating money raised is for "mental health funding"), Giveforward emailed me as well, by the way, and their tune with me was very different:

Obviously, I find the disparity in the emails to be pretty concerning and to not give me a lot of faith that they are, in fact, seeking to "empower compassion".

Just to remind you of Christy Mack's injuries, here is her statement, the police report, and the images she tweeted:

Both have said they had broken up in May at various times, though as is often the case with abusive relationships, codependency also seems to have been keeping them together after. His excuse for beating her, one that people men like Chuck Zito of "Sons of Anarchy" fame seems to agree with, is that she was cheating on him- not that it's an excuse, but it doesn't even seem to be true.

Here's some statistics around "crimes of passion", and how often the people who abuse women are their partners. (Also please please please, if you need support around these issues, check out the Consent Culture resource list).

The man who did this, who *is under arrest for doing it after being labeled a fugitive*, who has practically admitted to doing it (I mean, "she's my property and always will be"?!?), *is crowdfunding* and this is totally ok with GiveForward. I mean FFS they could shut it down simply because he's been a porn performer in the past, if they wanted a way to get out of it and still be consistent... but I guess that's only an issue if you're a women.

But hey, you know, if supporting *near* murderers isn't your thing and you'd rather support a proper murderer, never fear! You can support Darren Wilson, the cop who murdered a black teen in cold blood and kicked off a week's worth of (frankly justified) riots in Ferguson, Missouri. Residents are under curfew, and feel like they're under house arrest (because they are). Tear gas is being used frequently and without restraint. The National Guard has been sent, which is going to make things even worse.

Well, the cop who felt murdering a black kid was a-ok has a fundraiser at $17,000+ on GoFundMe, and this isn't even the fundraising effort started by the KKK! I guess GoFundMe isn't worried about picking sides in legal situations the way GiveForward is.

It doesn't surprise me at all that many of the people donating to Wilson's fund are also cops. In case you questioned whether or not all cops are bastards, the fact this fundraiser is so heavily populated by them and that cops haven't been condemning this behaviour should tell you all you need to know.

To underline: Darren Wilson murdered a black teenage boy, who was unarmed and facing away from him, and he's on *paid leave*, and ALSO now getting $17,000 and counting.

GoFundMe is enabling *paying* this murderous cop for killing a black kid. This is the state of racism in the US right now.

Don't ever, ever fucking tell me we're post race and you don't see colour.

I like to think that crowdfunding can be revolutionary. But it's important to remember that these tools can also be wielded by the oppressor. Such is often the way in capitalism.

Next time you need to raise some money, may I suggest Tilt instead?

God, my blog has become really fucking SERIOUS over the past few months. Sorry, everyone, I've always been really intense and there's been a lot of things to write about that need saying. I promise, I've been having fun, too- some amazing sex, and fantastic dates, and adopting a new snake baby, and all sorts of cool things. Over Labour Day I'm going away to a cabin with my boyfriend and my best friend. I'm dating three amazing people who make me feel incredibly taken care of and loved and desired. It's kind of amazing.

But there's one sexyfuntime thing that I love the *idea* of doing but often find the practice incredibly intimidating. Yet pretty much every person I date, regardless of gender or power dynamic inclination, wants it from me.

And that's strapon sex.

I just performed in "Soft Girls and Strapons", the third volume in the Lesbian Curves DVD femmepire- but I was getting fucked with a strapon, not wearing one. There's a few reasons for this- it's hard for me to find a harness that fits and also works with my high femme style (though now I have the Bella which will help!), I worry that my thick thighs, lovely as they are, will block camera angles for filming especially when fucking someone smaller than me. But mainly? I'm worried I won't be fit enough, that while I can maintain a decent rhythm with my arms or my fingers, my ass just won't behave for a good solid pounding. I've never been much of a dancer.

I have my suspicions about why people want to feel my cock in their ass. I think they assume that being a fat woman, I probably can get a lot of power behind my thrusts (hahaha nope, well, ok, maybe). Maybe it makes them feel a little overwhelmed, and small, and taken care of in their way. Maybe the fact that I look like I could toss them around (whether or not that's true) also helps. Some of them have just been butt sluts, and probably ask everyone they bring home.

So when this cutie I've been having mindblowing PIV sex with asked if I might want to fuck his ass, I froze for a minute. "Oh yeah, sure!" I said brightly, while my heart sank a little. "I'd love to do that!" To be honest, I did want to, but I have this weird terror that when I meet a genuinely switchy guy, he's going to want me to fuck him in the ass once, then it'll become our Thing, and I'll never get the face-slapping, bruise-making, tit-spitting fucking I want again. But that seems ridiculous when I say it out loud, so I generally don't. And, more often than not, that's exactly what happens, like the submissive version of the guys who only call themselves "dominant" because then they can get their dick sucked. Boring.

Anyway that was why I was hesitant to say anything and voice my fears- what if he didn't like me anymore? He's pretty fit, so I sometimes have pangs that my... well, not-up-at-7-am-jogging body is a novelty or something.

But this time I stopped my paranoia and silenced my headweasels, because I like this guy, and he's a professional, and I didn't want to lie. He probably had lithe athletes drilling him in the past, and I wanted to make sure his expectations were up to speed. So, heart fluttering, I confessed I was nervous about my abilities, that it had been a while and I wasn't sure how fit I was, if I could really do it properly. I was worried about getting a leg cramp or something.

I didn't need to worry. While I, being a traditionalist, expected I'd be fucking him from behind, he had other plans. He laid me down so I was on my back, and then lowered himself onto my cock. This was like a revelation, as I got to pump my hips a little but mostly watch his face contort in the most beautiful ways while he gyrated on my dildo. It was pretty amazing, and easy on my body. But, it feels less like you're doing the fucking, and more like you're a fancy living sex toy (which I can get into, but a little interaction is nice).

So the next time we tried fucking from behind, and it was everything I dreaded. I couldn't get the rhythm right, and didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like if I was fucked the way I was performing, I wouldn't sleep with me again. Bummer. I feel like this is the position I see the most often in porn, especially for pegging, but it was just the least appealing for me in many ways.

But oh. Oh man. Then we did missionary style. Now, I love missionary fucking on myself- it's a classic, why mess with it? But holy shit wearing a strap on and fucking a guy missionary style is kind of incredible. I felt most connected to my dick in that moment, and there was something about making out while I thrust that was just... amazing. It made me want to try fucking this way again, to see if it was a fluke or if that's really just the best position for me to have strapon sex in. It felt right, and I enjoyed it. My anxiety was gone, and I didn't even feel tired after!

Now, I will say this. For me to use a strapon, it's never going to rub against my clit.  Every harness I've ever owned requires mounting the dildo over my pubic mound instead. Granted, considering the bruising I sustained from the hard fucking we did, that's probably just as well! I'm probably going to get one of those pads. Or maybe I'll use his underwear ( steal a pair every time I see him, might as well put them to use).  I was pleased that my tummy didn't get in the way!

So between strapon fucking and lube wrestling, I now have two good reasons to start working out more intensely. Upper body strength for the wrestling, and lower body strength for... well, a different kind of grappling. ;)

Now to work on anal fisting...

What're your favourite tips and tricks for strapon sex? Do you find your rolls get in the way?

Learn how to pick your strap on here, and how to use it here!
I also have a video about fat strap on sex at Passionate U. My evil ex is in it, but nm, it's still good advice.
Get some fat sex tips here!

'Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

-'Watchmen' excerpt via Patton Oswalt

I want to talk frankly about how to support people who are suicidal, from the position of someone who has been suicidal at times herself in her teenage and adult life. It can be incredibly difficult to be a support person for someone struggling with these issues, and I get asked a lot what to say or what to do. I'd also like to create a basic support guide for someone with daily mental health issues like depression or anxiety, but that's another post (and there's some resources out there).

I'm someone who has often been told that I'm just so strong and so many people look up to me and I shouldn't ever consider suicide because people need me etc etc etc. I know it's all meant well, but it makes me feel like an animal in a cage, unable to express how I feel because I'm constrained by other people's opinions of me and my own reputation. It's not healthy for me, or for anyone. It's ok to break down sometimes. It's ok to reach the end of your rope.

And we need a community to help prevent this from happening over and over again.

I might be especially sensitive to this because  I live in the Bay Area, right by San Francisco, the home of many beautiful things like the Musee Mechanique, the Bring Your Own Big Wheel Race, the Sutro Baths, Emperor Norton and queer porn. It's also the home of the Golden Gate Bridge, the #1 place in the world to kill yourself, with 1,600 confirmed suicides. They've just approved funding for a net to try and prevent suicides in the future, but I know I've considered it, and have multiple friends who have been apprehended on that windy sidewalk.

And yet this is also a city where I have felt more isolated than anywhere else, where "radical self reliance" is the justification for selfishness.

I hope that by penning a guide of what people could actually do, that we can work together as a community of people who give a shit about each other to be there for those in our lives who are struggling to stay alive.

Now, I've done some research to try to make this as general as possible, but also please understand that this is a guide around what I've found useful with people I know, and found useful as support for myself. If things on this list don't speak to you, or are contrary to what works for you, that's a-ok!

THE GUIDE

-Know your own limits. Before anything else, figure out where you're at, and  put your oxygen mask on first. Supporting people who struggle with mental health issues can be exhausting and draining, so be sure to implement self care and don't overextend yourself.

-Don't make idle promises. Connected to the first tip, don't tell people struggling with mental health issues to contact you anytime unless you mean it- it may sound reassuring to you, but it really sucks to reach out and then hear nothing back. Of course you have your own life- I'm not saying you nee to drop everything But maybe rather than saying "call me anytime", give realistic expectations for when are good times to get in contact, and which methods are best. Maybe come up with a code phrase to communicate if it's head weasels or a full blown emergency. Even better, if someone you know if struggling says "do you have a minute?" and you don't right now, but you will in 30 minutes, or two hours, or tomorrow, tell them that. Give them a time you'll be back in touch, and then follow through.

-Don't call the police. Most people with mental health issues find the police to be terrifying, and for good reason- you've seen what's happening in Ferguson, right? Or read about the police when dealing with rape cases? The police are not often allies or friends, and while yes, they may temporarily prevent your friend from killing themselves, the cops often create more trauma than they resolve. This is probably controversial advice, as usually you're told to call 911, but seriously, having the cops being called as a threat over my head has made me more determined to take fatal risks to avoid them and/or made me not want to tell anyone I'm feeling that bad in the first place.

-Don't say any of the following: "But you have so much to live for!" "But you'd hurt so many people!" "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!" "You don't have THAT many problems." "But you're so STRONG." "Have you thought about getting help?" "Your whole life is ahead of you!" "You're being melodramatic/just want attention". All of these are incredibly dismissive and/or make the feelings we're having suddenly about you. It's selfish, and counterproductive, and often digs the hole of desperation deeper. We already feel by living we're hurting everyone around us, that it's not going to get better (often, it hasn't), and that we've tried everything we have access to to no avail. Here's a great post that breaks down why these things are all bad ideas.

For me, the kindest thing someone said was "I trust you to do what's right for you." It acknowledged my pain, gave me agency, and centered my feelings, which is exactly what I needed. Let them feel suicidal. I know for me when it's been ok for me to feel like giving up, I've felt less trapped and less desperate.

-Give your loved one options. Ask them if they want advice, or sympathy, or for you just to listen. Stick to what you say you're going to do. If they want advice or help, offer them options there too- "would you like to get some food, or go for a walk, or go to a mental health clinic, or play video games?" or whatever is appropriate for your situation. Knowing that you're not going to drag them kicking and screaming to the ER is huge.

-Be an advocate if you go to the hospital or clinic with them. People who are dealing with suicidal feelings  can feel easily overwhelmed, isolated, and helpless when confronted with mental health care as it stands. Having someone to hold their hand, advocate on their behalf with overeager clinicians, and make sure we're not locked up against our will makes us feel a lot safer getting this kind of help when we need it. Without an advocate, it can be easy for a suicidal person's desires and agency to be shoved aside, which doesn't help when you're already feeling out of control. Ask the clinic if they do involuntary hospitalization, and advocate against that so your loved one can walk out if they need to. Their safety is the top concern, and forcing them to stay somewhere they don't want to be likely isn't going to help.

-Check in on them.  Even (and especially) when you think the crisis has passed. When I expressed my desire to kill myself, I was overwhelmed with offers from people who wanted to spend time with me. Two weeks later, though, I couldn't get any of them to pick up the phone. It made recovery really difficult because it communicated that people only really cared when I was in crisis. Hotlines may be helpful for some, but there's really nothing like someone close to you being present for you. Whether you send a Twitter DM, a text message with a silly photo, an email, or make plans to spend time together, check in on the suicidal person. Once when I was helping someone else suicidal I gathered some friends to make sure we contacted them even just to say hi every 30 minutes or so. We made up a spreadsheet! You don't necessarily have to go to that extreme, but it definitely helped.

-Volunteer practical (and specific) help. When suicidal or seriously anxious/depressed, it can be incredibly difficult to manage daily tasks. The more they get away from us, the more overwhelming they become. While distracting suicidal people is fun for a moment, we often appreciate a helping hand with the house, feeding ourselves, sometimes even doing paperwork or showing. When these things pile up, the temptation to run away increases even more.

-With the suicidal person's permission, talk to other friends about the situation. It's a lot easier and more sustainable to make a care plan when you have multiple people  to pitch in. This care calendar can help a community band together to help with the mundane tasks- tidying a flat, running a bath, making some food, having a cup of tea and a chat.

-Take care of yourself! Give yourself a nice bubblebath, or a fancy meal, or a mini spa day. Somethng that helps you feel taken care of and revitalized. Self care is taking care of someone in need too!

I hope this is useful for people who are dealing with this situation. I'd love to hear comments about what's been useful for you, or what hasn't been. Consider this a living document.