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2014 In Review

I didn't really write a list of resolutions as such last year, choosing instead to look back on the last 10 years of my online life to see what trends there were in my goals and what I still struggle with.

I decided I wanted to be a writer, and I certainly followed through with that, between writing for the Frisky, the Guardian, the Daily Dot, Fleshbot, and of course, Patreon.

I decided I didn't want to spend most of my year traveling, and chose instead to have more weekends away with lovers and close to home rather than cross country trips to present for free. Because of that I had more energy to spend with my sweeties.

I went from struggling to buy groceries and barely making rent to sustainability, even able to buy a car to commute to TROUBLEfilms and a new laptop to edit video on.

I struggled with meeting new people, so I made more of an effort to spend time with people in smaller groups, or one on one. This has totally been the year of giving up the Fear Of Missing Out, instead reveling in the smaller intimate moments.

I met my lovers' lovers. Most of them, anyway. And it was both incredibly scary and completely soothing, sometimes at the same time. They have been kind, compassionate, friendly, (at least to my face). I've also come to expect that we don't need to be close friends, and pushing myself to envelop metamours as friends just because we're fucking the same person can make things messy and stressful. I've learned how to hold space for other relationships without demanding attention or backing off entirely.

I've found myself having flashes of jealousy over their talent, their bodies, their ease at moving through the world, their opportunities, the attention my lovers give them... yet when sitting with that jealousy, I challenged myself to say yes, to explore my discomfort, to ask for reassurance when I needed it, and I got everything I needed. I let myself be vulnerable, and honest.

When I fell in love, I could honestly say that I was happy being in love with or without the other person, as long as they knew... and I meant it. Not trying to control other people or micromanage my own feelings really helped me sit with how I felt in a much more stable way.

I decided I didn't want to settle for relationships that didn't nurture me, whether in real life or online. I started blocking people who were more invested in playing "devil's advocate" than evolving their compassion or understanding. I stopped asking people to hang out who never followed up.

I said in the beginning of 2014, "I’ve written about community, and how I feel that what makes a community are people who share some standards of behaviour, who mutually care for each other, who share accountability and responsibility to each other. I think 2014 is, for me, the year that I figure out who my community truly is, who raises me up and encourages me to be better, who I can reach out to for support when I’m feeling anxious, suicidal and scared. "

I would never have guessed that my journey to find those people and really invest in them, wholeheartedly, would have led me to one of my dearest friends V,  my tender and fierce girlfriend J, or my deliciously deviant N. My wonderful partner P has also rolled with the punches this year, accepting my love for other people with an open heart. Never mind the joy in having my sweethearts get along together- they sang Christmas carols with me, they prepared a holiday meal with me, they've played games and snuggled kittens and comforted me as a beautiful poly unit and I love them so fully for it.

I know 2014 has been incredibly difficult for many people. I'm glad in many ways that it's over, but I'm also so, so grateful for the bounty I received this year.

2015 will see me throwing a queer key party, speaking at AlterConf on sex work and social media, going to an arcade convention with my girlfriend, and maybe even reporting at the AVN Awards. Also it should be the release of "Banned in the UK" by TROUBLEfilms, my first DVD cover and including my very first piss drinking scene! It's a dvd where I bottom for the 10 acts recently banned as "extreme" by the Brits, including spanking, squirting, and strangulation. I can't wait to show the stills!

2014 was surprisingly good to me. Let's hope it's onwards and upwards for 2015!

Categories: best of, dating, nonmonogamy, reflection, resolutions, review

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Review: Liberator Faux Fur Throe

I've had a few sex toys in my life that have changed the game. The PUR Wand. The Hitachi. The The Liberator Wedge. The Rodeoh. The Maverick.

And now, I have the Liberator Faux Fur Throe, a water resistant furry blanket that feels so incredibly soft and luxurious I wrap myself in it regularly, even when I'm not preparing for a squirtathon (though, especially then). I own one of the regular throes, which is velvety on one side and satiny on the other. It's lovely, too, but I have to say the faux fur throe is far and away my favourite.

I've brought it on weekends away, because fucking on it feels amazing against the skin, and it's so nice to squirt all over the place when being fingered or fisted and just be able to wrap it up and put it aside for nice fresh bedsheets. And while it's big (68" x 54") it also comes with a stretchy strap that holds it together in a roll, making transport and storage easy. It's also reasonably subtle- no one will know this is a water resistant sex blanket unless you tell them (or, I suppose, if they have one of their own!) The fact that you can squirt on this and then bundle it into the wash easily is a godsend, and allows me to relax, making squirting easier to achieve in the first place.

I've used throes, and I've used towels, puppy pads, rubber sheets... all sorts of things. I have to say the throe is above and beyond the best option, if you can afford one- they carry a hefty price tag at almost $200 for the faux fur ones! The comfort and pleasure, as well as the ease of cleanup, that this throe has offered makes it worthwhile to me. The faux fur does take a while to dry, though, after getting it wet. You can machine wash it in cold water, and dry in low heat, which should prevent the fur from clumping up. Do be aware that on the satiny side, some types of lube (like silicone, or oil based) can stain your throe- my experience has been water based lubes are totally fine.

The faux fur throe only comes in the grey/black you see here in the photos, though there are other options (like the double sided velvish one, or the shag one) that have a wider variety of colours.

In short? If you're a gusher, or even if you just like sex to get a little sweaty and messy, you need a throe. I personally think the faux fur one looks and feels the best, but you may prefer the microfiber one or the fluffy one instead! Whatever you pick, you probably need a Liberator throe, so you can fuck as you please without worrying about the carpet, the couch, or the backseat of your car. Oh, or your mattress, I suppose, if you're into that sort of thing. ;)

Categories: fisting, my nethers, review, sexyfuntime, toys

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My First Poly Cabal Christmas

Holidays are for being with loved ones, at least that's what the songs and the movies seem to suggest. I love Christmas, almost ridiculously so, considering I was raised pagan! I'm actually the holiday card for TROUBLEfilms and Miss December on our company calendar. I have hundreds of holiday songs.

I've spent many with friends, some with family, most with lovers... but I have never spent Christmas, one of my favourite holidays, with my lovers. One at a time, sure, but never more than one. It's just never worked out, either because of family commitments, or relationship dynamic issues, or something else.

I've been nonmonogamous in some way or another my entire adult life. Monogamy never came easily to me even as a teenager, but I didn't start looking into ethical nonmonogamy until I was in my early 20s. I've had a lot of struggles with polyamory, as I discovered when reading old entries in my Livejournal- I had partners who pitted me against their other lovers, or who would "misunderstand" my boundaries, or put me at risk for STIs because they "forgot" to tell me they didn't use condoms with other people. I didn't realize how anxious and traumatized I was for a long time, thinking that the knot in my stomach was because I wasn't doing poly right. The fear of loss, of my own perceived lack of value, often prevented me from asking for what I wanted or needed- I figured that my jealousy was unfounded and if I read the various poly self help books often enough eventually it'd just come easily.

This is the first time where I actually mostly feel... safe. There's still some anxiety, and I'm still working on my trust issues! But if N doesn't text me back for a few days, I don't have the fear that he's breaking up with me. If I have to reschedule a date with J and I because I'm in dire need of a self care day, I don't freak out that she secretly resents me. If P tells me that my going away for the weekend is ok, I don't spend days worrying that he's lying to me and will have my stuff on the curb when I get home. None of us fight, though we've also talked in advance about our argument styles and our needs when stressed, and I think that information has prevented more than brief hurt feelings and the occasional slammed door between P and I. I mean, N and I had a good 3 minute back and forth thanking each other for our communication skills, which cracks me up but is also really heartening. They even all get along with each other, enough so that I'm taking them all to one of my favourite Christmas celebrations (and a family tradition), the Christmas Revels, for the Solstice.

This is also the first year I will actually have all my lovers, together, at Christmas dinner. I suggested it figuring that they were probably busy, but they were all available and interested. I'm excited (especially since they all cook well, so I can tend to the important job of drinking eggnog) and a little nervous because, let's be fair, I don't have many firsts left! Opening presents with all of them at once, singing carols while we cook a goose... honestly it's probably one of the best holiday presents I could've gotten. I'm honored that not only are they spending it with me, but with each other, folks they're inviting, other folks I'm inviting. It's also going to be the first Christmas I spend with a metamour. Everyone's been assigned an essential part of the meal, bringing their own traditions or holiday tastes into the mix for one big poly cabal Christmas.

It's been interesting as I still definitely have pangs of fear that manifest as anxiety or jealousy. I imagine that it'll take a while before I fully relax. But I've learned some things- that it's ok to ask for reassurance when you need it. It's ok to feel nervous and to express that. It's ok to have boundaries, and it's ok to say no. And I'm grateful that I'm surrounded by people who love me who give me the space to trust them with saying yes, often and enthusiastically. When I worry that my body is broken or gross, I can say something and the love they reflect helps silence those headweasels. When I'm concerned that a lover is overwhelming themselves, I can speak up and they value that feedback. It's like being in an adult relationship, which is terrifying and beautiful.

There are days I am so filled with love I feel like I'm going to explode with it.

Anyway, I know, voms, mushy ickness. Well, I don't have any advice for poly holidays, as this is completely new to me. I'll definitely be writing about it once it's happened. I'm looking forward to cooking together and watching The Passions of Carol, a Christmas Carol parody porn. It's how Christmas ought to be. <3

Categories: dating, fake it til you make it, holidays, love, mushy, musing, nonmonogamy, personal

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Holiday Self-Care Giveaway: 1 More Day!

I love the holidays, especially Christmas, despite having spent 5 years working retail and growing up pagan. I currently own about 1500 holiday songs, which range from celebratory to sympathetic. I've been drinking eggnog and spiced coffee all season. I have a sweater with reindeer fucking on it, and multiple sets of holiday jewelry that I only wear this one month. I'm the month of December for the TROUBLEfilms 2015 calendar (see photo) because we just had to take an hour out of the schedule for Xmas mashups and wrapping me in fairy lights (THANKS COURTNEY TROUBLE <3)

But whether you love the holidays or hate them, they take a lot out of you! There's so much social interaction that needs to happen, and scheduling partners and their families, and never mind work parties, where you have to strike an awkward balance of being "off" but also not being too unprofessional. It's intense, even for an extrovert who doesn't want to rip off her own ears when hearing "Little Drummer Boy" for the 50th time.

SO, I'm doing a giveaway to help you cope! Friday at midnight marks the end of my Holiday Self Care Package Giveaway!

You get to choose which package you want, depending on how you feel about the holidays!

For those who, like me, get jingle jangly for eggnog and sweater weather, there's a Holly Jolly Holiday Care Package! Contents will include a homemade card, a mix cd of my favourite holiday tunes, some holiday candy, little surprises (all pro-holiday season, please let me know what winter holiday you celebrate!)

OR if you can't wait for all that red and green shit to get out of the stores, I have a Bah, Humbug! Anti-Holiday Care Package! This will include a sympathy card, a "Fuck Xmas" mix cd, some non-holiday wrapped chocolates, and other trinkets to help you get through.

IN ADDITION I'm going to try to post a couple of playlists for you all to enjoy so you can hear some fun new stuff, but in the meantime I highly recommend Bootie Mashups Xmas cds!

Don't forget, you have until midnight tomorrow to enter the giveaway!

Categories: contest, giveaway, holidays

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Polly Superstar: Sex Culture Revolutionary!

Polly Superstar is probably one of the people I've known the longest in the Bay Area... about 10 years of costumed, conscious, sex party silliness. She's gorgeous, and talented, and I was of course terrified of her when I first met her as a self-conscious 20 year old just tiptoeing into the San Francisco kink scene. Polly made me feel right at ease, though, and I felt warmly enveloped into her world of fantasy and fun. In a city where all the places to have kinky sex felt dingy, sticky, dark, and predatory, Mission Control stood out as bright, colourful, and silly.

I really got to know Polly when we worked on a free festival in Maui, the Ua Noa Festival. It was where I really got my feet wet (literally) in running events, in not having control over what happens but only being able to act as a guide, in acceptance of those moments where you're laughing and crying at the same time and also there's a rainbow. People talk about do-ocracies, but Polly really encourages people to make their dreams into actionable realities, both by example and through her resources. I am absolutely in part the person I am today because of Polly Superstar, Mission Control, and Kinky Salon.

She's written a book called "Polly: Sex Culture Revolutionary". While I'm a cynical East Coaster who would typically snort at such a title, Polly is legit the Real Deal. Her baby, Kinky Salon, got people in London to have conscious sex in silly costumes. That's MASSIVE, and should demonstrate how Polly's ideas can manifest into real life impact. The book shows where all of that passion came from, and is a hard to put down read. It's got sexy bits, sure, but it's also the interesting, complicated, messy truth, about jealousy, about muses and artists, about holding space and grand ideas.
ANYWAY WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, here's an interview!

Kitty: Do you remember when we first met? I was scrubbing the floor at Mission Control in penance for sneaking into Kinky Salon!

Polly: Wow. I don’t remember that. Who gave you the task? How did that happen?

(side note: I went to KS before I was supposed to. I was 20, not 21. I felt so guilty about it the very next time they had a volunteer event I went and cleaned the floors so they could be repainted as my apology! When I told Polly a year or so later she just laughed at me, which was fair)

K: What's one of your favourite memories at Mission Control?

P: Without a doubt my all time favorite memory is when I realized that Mission Control would be able to continue without me being the sole force in pushing it forward. It was an “it’s a wonderful life” moment for me. There was a room full of people all saying “Yes, what you do has value,” when I thought it had none. That moment is the climax of my book. But now this is a spoiler! Oops!

K: What about a favorite Kinky Salon moment?

P: There have been so many great moments its hard to single one out. I love those surreal end of night scenes. Watching a naked girl in the baby head bounce down the hallway was a treat. Sitting out on the patio having in depth conversations about culture. Having my circuits blown with kundalini. Being sandwiched between my two favorite boys. There are so many!

Check out the Kinky Salon Manifesto, which for some reason will NOT embed, bah!

K: Did you identify as a "sex culture revolutionary" your whole life? How do you define a "sex culture revolutionary" now, and has that changed?

P: No I haven’t been a sex culture revolutionary my whole life. Although I’ve always been drawn to sexuality as a means of self-expression and a particularly fascinating aspect of culture, my identification as a sex culture revolutionary is recent. Sex culture is something I fully articulated when I was coming up with the title for my book. I didn’t like the term “sex positive” because it excludes Asexuals and people who just aren’t interested in sex right now. I wanted to be inclusive to everyone. It also had a political aspect I didn’t resonate with.

When I thought about what to call that all encompassing, non judgmental realm of sexuality within society the idea of “sex culture” made sense. The culture of sex.

Calling myself a revolutionary is provocative, but I want to express how passionate I am about changing culture. I literally took a thesaurus and listed out the options: “sex culture radical, sex culture activist, sex culture innovator.” I enlisted a group of my most creative and brilliant friends to help me decide which term was best. Although at first I thought the term made me seem arrogant and was resistant to it, these days I’m owning it.

K: With all the stuff in the news again/still about sex culture and consent, what's your definition of consent, and how do you seek to manifest consent culture in your life/work?

P: Consent is simple. It’s a yes from everyone. It surprises and frustrates me when something so simple and obvious is in the spotlight as controversial. There’s a “grey area” that’s supposed to exist but I don’t see it. I do understand that relationships and sexuality can be confusing, and traditional gender roles can exacerbate circumstances. I see that our current culture creates unhealthy images of sexuality, where it can be seen as a reward or an expectation. I understand that it’s a complex issue and I don’t blame the people who don’t understand, but I am a little tired of the conversation. People who resist the need for consent, or who blame victims are standing on the wrong side of history. I’m looking forward to reaching the tipping point and moving forward.

For the people who want to be more dominant sexually (they tend to be men) who are confused about how to stay in their power while navigating consent, I have some advice. Demand consent. Say “I’m not fucking you until you ask me to.” You stay in control, it’s super hot, and you can navigate the so-called “grey area” when sex is on the cards but you’re not 100% sure you have the green light. Make them beg for it.

K: From your book, it definitely seems clear you think sex can be a force to change the world. What would you like to see changed? Do you think it's working?

P: Sex is an important part of being human which has been repressed and shamed for centuries. A lot of the problems we have in sex culture are a direct result of this sociopathic denial of a natural and normal part of life. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the religion that denies its holy men the right to have sex lives is the one where sexual frustration is taken out on small boys.

The idea that sex is only for procreation and that our entire relationship to it is based on a subconscious desire to leave our genetic legacy is old fashioned, short sighted, and being proven wrong by scientists. I would like to see a world where sexuality is seen for what it is: as a powerful tool for social bonding, connecting and communicating. Although only time will tell, the trend of the last 50 years does suggest that we are slowly moving in the right direction.

K: Where would you like to see Kinky Salon in another ten years?

P: I would like to see the name Kinky Salon be synonymous with the idea of creative, open minded, and sexually enlightened community. I never see it as being mainstream, because I think we’re too edgy for most people, but I would like to see Kinky Salons opening up in lots more cities.

K: What's stayed the same, and what's changed?

P: Since the very first days of Kinky Salon a lot has changed. Originally it wasn’t a costume party or a sex party! It was more of a leather and latex fetish event. But since it got into it’s swing (pun intended) about 9 or 10 years ago, it’s actually stayed quite stable.

K: What's the next phase for Polly Superstar? Any more books planned?

P: Birthing that book was the most intense creative experience of my life. It took a total of four years and an incomprehensible about of time, energy and love. I can’t imagine being ready to write another book for at least a year. Maybe more. I don’t identify as a writer like some people do. It’s not my vocation to write. I’m a sex culture revolutionary, and that’s where I want to focus my energy next. That means throwing events, growing the global community, and letting the world know what I’m doing by blogging and speaking.

This post is part of the Polly: Sex Culture Revolutionary Virtual Book Tour. If you make a comment in the thread below you’ll be automatically entered in a chance to WIN a LIMITED EDITION signed hardcover copy of Polly: Sex Culture Revolutionary.

The comedian Margaret Cho called it “Raw, untamed, emotional beauty–Polly is a true supernova. This memoir is as touching as it is hot, as moving as it is a masterpiece.”

Buy your copy of Polly: Sex Culture Revolutionary bit.ly/pollybook

Join Polly’s mailing list bit.ly/pollyslist

Check out Polly’s website pollysuperstar.com

Follow Polly on Twitter twitter.com/pollysuperstar

Get updates from Polly on Facebook facebook.com/itsmepolly

Click the image below to check out the other exciting stops on the tour.

blogtour.jpg

Categories: activism, I left my sex toys in SF, interview, parties, sex, sexuality, swinging, why I do what I do

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Girl's Gone Mild

I'm sitting here getting ready for a date in which I anticipate having some hot, rough, balls-to-the-wall fucking. So I'm wearing my sex clothes- light pink tights, floral shirt, button up white cardigan. I'm going to do some pastel makeup, pink blush, bright eyes. I imagine we'll hold hands and kiss and giggle at our own awkwardness.

And I'm wet as hell for it. For all of that.

In a world where we constantly hear that porn is getting darker, where violence is more acceptable than sex both in the theater and in the streets, where we're beginning to recognize the ways in which rape culture permeates our desires... wholesomeness seems to be on the way out. It may seem strange for a sexual deviant to be advocating for it as the new kinky.

But I don't know. I've been Goth and punk and weird for so much of my life. I'm so accustomed to being exoticised for my sex work history, othered for my fatness. Playacting at normalcy feels perverted in all the best ways, and in a city where latex chaps and leather vests are old hat, calling cards and blushing seems interesting and new.

I know I'm not the only one to feel this way, and I'm not the first. I began to realize I wasn't alone when I witnessed the Prim & Proper Tea Party at Folsom a few years ago.  With a tag line like "modesty is the new kink", I began to think about what got me all hot and bothered. And I came back to- service. Victorian etiquette. Suits. 50s dress silhouettes. Gloves. "Please" and "thank you".

Basically? Wholesomeness. I'm finding after years of feeling bored with the "anything you can do, I can do better" behaviour in the BDSM community, I'm really enjoying the Brad and Janet-ness of being... sweet. Wearing pastels. Baking, even. I kind of like looking like a boring straight couple and knowing that when we get back home it's going to be biting and spitting and face slapping and pegging.

I've had some incredibly hot fucking where we've had to be really quiet- which, when you're used to performative sex, being loud for the camera or the audience, it's kind of extra hot to have to be as quiet as you can be. Hands over mouths. Being shushed because someone might hear. Fumbling hands sliding into jeans and under tights so no one will notice you're doing more than making out on a bench.

Though it's not just about the sex- it's also about the enjoyment of playing Scrabble naked, having picnics, of doing things that feel a bit like some romantic comedy montage. It's a strange new world for me, but I'm enjoying feeling like... well, like a girlfriend, and not a girlfriend experience.

I think perhaps having both identified as a slut and also being publicly a sex worker made me feel like I had to live up to a certain type of dress and behaviour. There's a sense that you need to play a persona, to be kinky and sexual all the time, and that's tiring, as well as just dull. I had a lot of experiences with people not taking my feelings seriously, dating me only to break my heart because while they were attracted to my experience, they were eventually scared off of it. Other people will say to my lovers how they think I'm super hot, but then those people never approach me because I'm intimidating. It kinda sucks.

I used to not trust romance, or hand holding, and I'm still a bit squeamish about snuggles, but I'm finally beginning to settle into it all now. There's trust, and that's good. I don't feel like I have to prove anything, and maybe that's what does it- the confidence I now have allows me to feel grounded, which is hot. I know it might sound strange, but I'm really enjoying doing normal date stuff, like going to the pub, seeing a movie, having dinner together. There's something so... comfortable about it, and I'm finding that security sexy as hell. Never mind the sheer sexiness of unbuttoning that suburban drag to have some filthy filthy sex!

It cracks me up that after jerking off to erotic cannibalism, my current biggest perversion is missionary position sex, in a bed, for procreation (creampie porn is so my Thing). I guess it's true that if you keep going down any path you end up right where you started. Kinky sex doesn't have to be scary, or violent, bloody or painful. And sometimes the scariest places are the intimate places, where love and sex collide.

For me, fucking in bed with someone I care about is terrifying and beautiful and perverted and lovely. I don't feel the need to lean on kit anymore to get off, and I don't have to wear a collar or shibari to know I'm a pervert. It can be just as dirty to make out and be romantic and love each other.

But as I said to one of my lovers... "as long as we keep the lights on... I'm not *that* kinky!"

Edited to add: I totally had sex in the dark last night. It was so, so filthy. <3 

Categories: best of, communication, fantasy, female sexuality, kink daydreams, love, love is a dog from hell, sexyfuntime, sweeties

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Everything I Know About Relationships I Learned From Computer Games

I'm not really a video game person, it's true. I think I had a Super Nintendo as a kid, but my cats ate the cord. So, computers it was. I used to sit at my desk playing Asteroids, pretending I was a Federation Starship Captain back in the day (look, my AOL screenname was CaptZork, so sue me). And playing these games taught me a lot about relationships, as I spent more time with circuits than with people.

When I first started dating, I treated my relationships a lot like the Aztecs in Civilization. We'd start off being cautious, trading a little here and there, admiring each other but not wanting to get too close. Then we'd band together out of need, our shared goals and mutually beneficial researched technologies leading to diplomatic agreements while we wiped out those who stood in our way. We'd make Wonders of the World, and compliment each other on our conquests and resources. It would seem, for a time, like we were unstoppable. Until one of us asked for something a little TOO much, went a little too far, pushed a boundary on our territory that should've been left alone. Then it would be nuclear warfare, and all our hard work would end up in flames.

Having watched the whole thing burn more than once, I realized this was not the healthiest approach, especially when you have multiple lovers on the playing field. For a time, I decided to go more towards relationship anarchy, avoiding the power hierarchy of primaries and secondaries and going for a ruleless approach. To me, this ended up being a lot like Myst. Just like my experience with Myst... I always felt like I was missing something, like there were these confusing and not obvious puzzles but I should grin and pretend it was working for me anyway, even though I found the whole thing hugely frustrating. With little guidance, I just wandered from situation to situation, not feeling secure, but also not feeling like I was moving forward or even really enjoying myself. It looked pretty enough... but I didn't want to stay there.

Zork spoke to me in my dating approach too, mainly in that I spent a lot of time staggering in the dark, trying to map out what I needed to do and where I was supposed to go next while trying not to be eaten by a grue (or fall over a tripwire of miscommunicated needs). Like in Zork, I used to find myself somewhere, wishing I had remembered that one thing, cursing that I'd have to go back because I hadn't anticipated enough steps into the future. I love Zork, but it's not an easy game... and you often have to play it over and over before you get to the end, completely focused on it, painstakingly mapping and taking notes. Not so bad for a game, but not the best for a relationship style.

All these other approaches fell away when I got a Google calendar and started to micromanage my relationships. Yes, this was my romantic era of The Sims, where codependency is king. In my desire to care for my partners, all my partners, I ended up acting like a mixture between a mother and a puppetmaster. Wanting to be present for all your lovers is a worthy goal, of course, but the problem with micromanagement is that you can never stop or everything will go to shit. It can be a lot of pressure, when you feel like you have to make sure everything is working and everyone is ok or they're all going to piss themselves and set the house on fire. Ok, hopefully that's not a concern in your real life relationships, but I imagine you get my drift. You can't control your lovers, I've learned... and smothering them with love is a type of control.

In the end, all of these approaches involved overthinking it, at least for me. I found my relationship style in the simplicity of Tetris. Yep, that incredibly basic game. What I love about Tetris is that it starts slowly, and ultimately, the way to keep the game up is to be adaptable, to see what needs doing and do it. For me, it feels really meditative, even as it gets faster- I'm an anxious person, and Tetris works for me somehow, keeping my mind busy without making me TOO frantic. There's frustrations, sure (sometimes the piece you get isn't the piece you really need, for example)... and not all pieces fit in every slot. You make it work as best you can, and you keep going. Mistakes get made, and you can give up, or adapt and keep going. You have to keep working at it, but you also can't dwell on problems or you might make those small problems worse.

Eventually, when you just can't keep up anymore... that's it, the game is over, but you still feel good about what you did. Each time, it becomes a little easier to anticipate and keep up with all the different pieces. Plus it can be played on all sorts of devices, from the side of a building to a graphing calculator! And unlike other games... you can't win. It just keeps going until you can't do it anymore.

That may seem like a weird analogy, but it's one that really holds true for me. The only difference is that in Tetris, it starts off easy and gets hard... and in my experience with honesty and trust in relationships, it's the opposite. It started off hard and every mistake added up into disaster. But as I got the hang of it, I began to welcome my errors as opportunities to learn, to practice adaptability, to challenge myself.

Love's roadbumps have become just that... challenges, where once they shut the whole game down or made it miserable to play. And I've learned the most important lesson for relationships- SELF CARE. Now I know that it's ok to step back from the game and stretch, that I do, in fact, need to eat, that if I can't solve a puzzle I may need to take space and come back to it later. And that's ok.

Through play, I learned how to do the work.

Categories: advice, best of, communication, dating, fake it til you make it, games, geekery, love, love is a dog from hell, mistakes were made, nonmonogamy, reflection, self care, Uncategorized

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LOOP- Sleek Kegel Exerciser ISO Funds!

I've been thinking a lot about fitness and health and muscles and frankly it's really hard to dig out useful advice and tools from the snake oil being peddled. I'm reasonably fit, but I'm not what anyone would call to get workout tips, either.

But kegels? This is the kind of fitness I know something about.

LOOP, which is running an IndieGoGo campaign right now, is one of the new not-a-sex-toy cunt toys in this increasing trend of pelvic exercisers. We've had ben wa balls or Betty Dodson's barbell for exercising these muscles, but nothing that provides direct feedback about how we're doing. Knowing how strong those muscles are, and if I'm getting stronger or weaker, really helps keep me on track to keep on it.

Plus if I can't rip someone's dick off with my cunt, I'm just not trying hard enough right?

The LOOP comes with a little bamboo bag, and you download an app in order to save the data you receive. That data allows you to train in ways that work for you, as well as seeing if you can beat your own scores. All this for $90 if you pay into their IndieGoGo campaign- not too shabby, considering similar ones cost over $150. Betty's Barbell is $125, and doesn't even give you feedback, so there we go!

I love kegel exercising because I love when I can clamp down on a lover's cock and see them shudder. I love having control over letting someone's fist into my cunt. Also I enjoy that by having all these fun sexy inspirations to keep up with my kegelcising, I also won't be as likely to struggle with incontinence later in life, but that's not nearly as fun an incentive as the shudder my lover gets when I can grip their cock or hand with my cunt muscles.

I like that LOOP isn't designed to go double duty as a vibrator, actually. I think focusing on it as a health tool makes more sense- the expectation that a data extraction implement will also get you off often seems to end up in a product that doesn't do either particularly well. I do want to point out that not all owners of cunts are women, and that not all women have cunts, and I hope the creators will consider editing their copy to reflect that.

I'm curious to try this out when it's ready. I for one welcome our cataloguing of data relating to sexuality... it's about damn time, to be frank, and I'm glad to see it becoming more accessible!

Do you do kegels? What works for you? Have you noticed a difference?

Categories: body stuff, female sexuality, geekery, sex ed, support, toys, Uncategorized

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Fucking in Formalwear

When I started the Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, my girlfriend A and I always joked that the unofficial rule was that while hats and gloves were required, everything else was optional. While we said it often enough, the truth was that Ladies High Tea was a pretty casual get together, and rarely did it become even slightly sexual, even with a slight tendency towards vintage fashion.

I've always had an erotic draw towards formalwear, however. One of the hottest fictional characters in the world to me is Jeeves, because a competent man in a suit is basically my pornography. I mean, part of it is that I'm reasonably high femme, and seeing a partner dress up for me tickles my senses in some indescribable ways. The layers upon layers, carefully applied, and the orderly way they all come together is just sensual, as I imagine the time it took to meticulously structure the outfit. And the accessories, especially for mens wear! Suspenders, waistcoat, pocket square, cufflinks- so many little ways to show off a sense of style and uniqueness, and men don't get many opportunities to get creative with their clothing. It just gets me so fucking wet when they do. I love that P and N are both super into letting me dress them in short shorts and glitter, or bow ties and shiny shoes.

I love to be dressed up too, of course. The stockings, the heels, the carefully chosen jewelry, the dress I need a lover to zip onto my body... it's a ritual, and one where the dressing is as hot as the undressing. As I swoop my eyeliner over my lids, as I apply my lipstick and twirl mascara over my lashes, I shiver to think about that makeup running down my face later from sweat, spit, and happy tears. I dress this way as a challenge, and perhaps as a promise. I may not be fit for public consumption, but I can play the part.

I was reminded of how sexy formalwear is recently, when I went to a wedding with N. It wasn't a typical wedding, mainly as it involved friends of mine and therefore was highly likely to be populated by perverts and nerds. Also, because the bride had asked to see my date naked, preferably having sex, presumably with me, during the reception. She's an artist and had enjoyed his body from afar before, and I was a little surprised but happy to oblige, if he was down. So I slipped on a nice dress, making sure to wear black lingerie that was ready to be cut off, just in case... and I made sure to tell him how much I was looking forward to the ripping of fishnets and lace under his hands.

Well, N and I got dressed way before we needed to, as I misread the invite and had us fancied up hours ahead of time. It didn't take much suggestion for us to start to make out, you know, to take up some time. We got to that point of hot and bothered where we definitely wanted to fuck, but... it took us an hour to get ready, and every minute spent putting ourselves back together would be another minute not having teh sexx.

So we kept all our clothes on. No rolled down tights, but right through a hole already ripped through the crotch of the fishnets (carefully, because we didn't want to destroy these until it was the right time). No pulling down of pants, either, but pulling his cock out from the fly. He kept his jacket on. I kept my jewelry on. It was all very elegant, if not necessarily in line with our usual "wholesomeness" kink (which is a whole 'nother blog entry).

At first, it was delicate, trying not to catch cufflinks on lace. Soon, I didn't care if I squirted all over my tulle skirt, I just wanted him inside me as quickly and roughly as possible. N, being quite a giver, obliged me with one hell of a fucking. I remember thinking to myself "I wonder if his tux is going to be smeared with my come, will it need dry cleaning" for a split second before deciding that I hoped it was, and also, fuck it. I have scratched on my upper arm from where he braced himself, his cuff link digging into my flesh. Even better, with his flatmate entertaining in the other room, we had to be incredibly quiet, whispering sweet and filthy dirty talk, whimpering in pleasure, biting knuckles as we came.

While I wrapped my mouth around his post-orgasmic cock, savoring the taste, N grinned down at me and told me that this tux may not have been washed since the last time he wore it. Apparently it gets most of its use at sex parties. This is probably part of why we're dating... I have a thing for the sort of man who wears a cummerbund and nail polish to an orgy, what can I say. And we went to that wedding, smelling of sex instead of perfume, my hair "styled" by our vigorous pounding and a touch of hairspray. It was only right, I think. Later he ripped my bra, panties, and tights off my body as we rolled around on the soft fur of the Liberator faux fur throe. Pure, extravagant luxury, grabbing handfuls of silky fur as your lover grabs handfuls of you. Mmm.

Now I'm kind of aching for another reason to see N in a tux, to be honest. Dry cleaned or not. What can I say, I like the gutter, it's nice there.

"Solidarity is created by shared discomforts, which is caused in part by the civic-minded desire to be pleasing in the eyes of one's fellow citizens," says Lord Whimsy in one of my favourite essays, "The Perils of Sportswear". "Comfort isolates us from one another, and should be seen in the clear light of day for what it is: a killer of nations." I don't know if I'd go that far, but I certainly feel that dressing up for one another indicates a bit of care for what others think, and I find that hot.

I want my lovers to show off for me, as I show off for them.

Wearing a full tuxedo, or an evening gown, suggests a sacrifice for fashion... a masochism I can get behind.

Categories: best of, boys, femme, fetishes, hawt, kink daydreams, masochism, mushy, sex, sexyfuntime, sweeties, yay

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Free Porn's Cool, but Paying for Porn is Better

There's a lot of porn on the internet. A lot of it. The Internet, it's said, Is For Porn, as immortalized in a Broadway musical. And so much of it can be found for nothing.

Enter The Porn Dude, a site that collects and rates porn sites, particularly sites that act as hosts for content. The categories are pretty clear, though I have personal squicks about sites focused on ethnicity (especially some of the terms used- it's a pretty racist industry) and, as a porn performer, the inclusion of where to torrent porn makes me sad. Porn is a business, and for some of us, it's a vital part of our income. Places like The Porn Dude can be detrimental, particularly to smaller, more niche companies who may not be able to afford to produce content if their scenes end up stolen and displayed for free. Submitting take down notices can be a full time job, with them going up all the time.

Oftentimes, I'm asked why people would pay for porn when it's so easy to find it for free- and actually, strangely enough, it's my experience with porn hubs that I think demonstrates why paying for porn is useful.

I'm into some reasonably niche things, especially in the world of PornHub, XHamster, etc. I like fisting content, and female ejaculation. I like speculums and being groped on trains. Sites that are dumping grounds for free content often lack the sound or visual quality I want in my porn, never mind the variety- I often find the same 5-10 scenes uploaded multiple times, and, well, that gets boring. Paying for content means I get a steady stream of new material to wank to, as well as feeling good that I'm helping to support the performers who produce the stuff I like. Granted, I tend to prefer solo model focused sites, as I believe more of the money goes straight to the performers- it's like being a patron of the arts. Erotic arts.

I do appreciate that this site lists written smut alongside visual. While I feel the format and look of The Porn Dude isn't particularly appealing (it's somewhat clinical in its cataloging) I think that maybe it could be saved to be more inviting, and perhaps a little more aware of  giving respect to the performers. God knows I've had times where I've gone through the Kristen Archives and wished I could find something new.

It's funny- when The Porn Dude asked about getting a sponsored post on this site, I said I didn't think we'd match up as ethical, feminist, queer, or even indie porn didn't get a category on this site. While XBiz and AVN are beginning to acknowledge our presence, and the Transgender Erotica Awards is changing its name away from an industry standard slur, porn hub type sites still hesitate to expand their labels to include the variety of human sexual expression. I hope, though, that maybe there will come a time where QueerPornTube is listed alongside other free content sites... sites that have come by their content ethically, with the consent of the performers involved. I think we're getting there, slowly.

Hey The Porn Dude- ball's in your court. ;)

Categories: activism, consent, porn, sex work is work, whores are people