Girl's Gone Mild

I'm sitting here getting ready for a date in which I anticipate having some hot, rough, balls-to-the-wall fucking. So I'm wearing my sex clothes- light pink tights, floral shirt, button up white cardigan. I'm going to do some pastel makeup, pink blush, bright eyes. I imagine we'll hold hands and kiss and giggle at our own awkwardness.

And I'm wet as hell for it. For all of that.

In a world where we constantly hear that porn is getting darker, where violence is more acceptable than sex both in the theater and in the streets, where we're beginning to recognize the ways in which rape culture permeates our desires... wholesomeness seems to be on the way out. It may seem strange for a sexual deviant to be advocating for it as the new kinky.

But I don't know. I've been Goth and punk and weird for so much of my life. I'm so accustomed to being exoticised for my sex work history, othered for my fatness. Playacting at normalcy feels perverted in all the best ways, and in a city where latex chaps and leather vests are old hat, calling cards and blushing seems interesting and new.

I know I'm not the only one to feel this way, and I'm not the first. I began to realize I wasn't alone when I witnessed the Prim & Proper Tea Party at Folsom a few years ago.  With a tag line like "modesty is the new kink", I began to think about what got me all hot and bothered. And I came back to- service. Victorian etiquette. Suits. 50s dress silhouettes. Gloves. "Please" and "thank you".

Basically? Wholesomeness. I'm finding after years of feeling bored with the "anything you can do, I can do better" behaviour in the BDSM community, I'm really enjoying the Brad and Janet-ness of being... sweet. Wearing pastels. Baking, even. I kind of like looking like a boring straight couple and knowing that when we get back home it's going to be biting and spitting and face slapping and pegging.

I've had some incredibly hot fucking where we've had to be really quiet- which, when you're used to performative sex, being loud for the camera or the audience, it's kind of extra hot to have to be as quiet as you can be. Hands over mouths. Being shushed because someone might hear. Fumbling hands sliding into jeans and under tights so no one will notice you're doing more than making out on a bench.

Though it's not just about the sex- it's also about the enjoyment of playing Scrabble naked, having picnics, of doing things that feel a bit like some romantic comedy montage. It's a strange new world for me, but I'm enjoying feeling like... well, like a girlfriend, and not a girlfriend experience.

I think perhaps having both identified as a slut and also being publicly a sex worker made me feel like I had to live up to a certain type of dress and behaviour. There's a sense that you need to play a persona, to be kinky and sexual all the time, and that's tiring, as well as just dull. I had a lot of experiences with people not taking my feelings seriously, dating me only to break my heart because while they were attracted to my experience, they were eventually scared off of it. Other people will say to my lovers how they think I'm super hot, but then those people never approach me because I'm intimidating. It kinda sucks.

I used to not trust romance, or hand holding, and I'm still a bit squeamish about snuggles, but I'm finally beginning to settle into it all now. There's trust, and that's good. I don't feel like I have to prove anything, and maybe that's what does it- the confidence I now have allows me to feel grounded, which is hot. I know it might sound strange, but I'm really enjoying doing normal date stuff, like going to the pub, seeing a movie, having dinner together. There's something so... comfortable about it, and I'm finding that security sexy as hell. Never mind the sheer sexiness of unbuttoning that suburban drag to have some filthy filthy sex!

It cracks me up that after jerking off to erotic cannibalism, my current biggest perversion is missionary position sex, in a bed, for procreation (creampie porn is so my Thing). I guess it's true that if you keep going down any path you end up right where you started. Kinky sex doesn't have to be scary, or violent, bloody or painful. And sometimes the scariest places are the intimate places, where love and sex collide.

For me, fucking in bed with someone I care about is terrifying and beautiful and perverted and lovely. I don't feel the need to lean on kit anymore to get off, and I don't have to wear a collar or shibari to know I'm a pervert. It can be just as dirty to make out and be romantic and love each other.

But as I said to one of my lovers... "as long as we keep the lights on... I'm not *that* kinky!"

Edited to add: I totally had sex in the dark last night. It was so, so filthy. <3 

Categories: best of, communication, fantasy, female sexuality, kink daydreams, love, love is a dog from hell, sexyfuntime, sweeties


Everything I Know About Relationships I Learned From Computer Games

I'm not really a video game person, it's true. I think I had a Super Nintendo as a kid, but my cats ate the cord. So, computers it was. I used to sit at my desk playing Asteroids, pretending I was a Federation Starship Captain back in the day (look, my AOL screenname was CaptZork, so sue me). And playing these games taught me a lot about relationships, as I spent more time with circuits than with people.

When I first started dating, I treated my relationships a lot like the Aztecs in Civilization. We'd start off being cautious, trading a little here and there, admiring each other but not wanting to get too close. Then we'd band together out of need, our shared goals and mutually beneficial researched technologies leading to diplomatic agreements while we wiped out those who stood in our way. We'd make Wonders of the World, and compliment each other on our conquests and resources. It would seem, for a time, like we were unstoppable. Until one of us asked for something a little TOO much, went a little too far, pushed a boundary on our territory that should've been left alone. Then it would be nuclear warfare, and all our hard work would end up in flames.

Having watched the whole thing burn more than once, I realized this was not the healthiest approach, especially when you have multiple lovers on the playing field. For a time, I decided to go more towards relationship anarchy, avoiding the power hierarchy of primaries and secondaries and going for a ruleless approach. To me, this ended up being a lot like Myst. Just like my experience with Myst... I always felt like I was missing something, like there were these confusing and not obvious puzzles but I should grin and pretend it was working for me anyway, even though I found the whole thing hugely frustrating. With little guidance, I just wandered from situation to situation, not feeling secure, but also not feeling like I was moving forward or even really enjoying myself. It looked pretty enough... but I didn't want to stay there.

Zork spoke to me in my dating approach too, mainly in that I spent a lot of time staggering in the dark, trying to map out what I needed to do and where I was supposed to go next while trying not to be eaten by a grue (or fall over a tripwire of miscommunicated needs). Like in Zork, I used to find myself somewhere, wishing I had remembered that one thing, cursing that I'd have to go back because I hadn't anticipated enough steps into the future. I love Zork, but it's not an easy game... and you often have to play it over and over before you get to the end, completely focused on it, painstakingly mapping and taking notes. Not so bad for a game, but not the best for a relationship style.

All these other approaches fell away when I got a Google calendar and started to micromanage my relationships. Yes, this was my romantic era of The Sims, where codependency is king. In my desire to care for my partners, all my partners, I ended up acting like a mixture between a mother and a puppetmaster. Wanting to be present for all your lovers is a worthy goal, of course, but the problem with micromanagement is that you can never stop or everything will go to shit. It can be a lot of pressure, when you feel like you have to make sure everything is working and everyone is ok or they're all going to piss themselves and set the house on fire. Ok, hopefully that's not a concern in your real life relationships, but I imagine you get my drift. You can't control your lovers, I've learned... and smothering them with love is a type of control.

In the end, all of these approaches involved overthinking it, at least for me. I found my relationship style in the simplicity of Tetris. Yep, that incredibly basic game. What I love about Tetris is that it starts slowly, and ultimately, the way to keep the game up is to be adaptable, to see what needs doing and do it. For me, it feels really meditative, even as it gets faster- I'm an anxious person, and Tetris works for me somehow, keeping my mind busy without making me TOO frantic. There's frustrations, sure (sometimes the piece you get isn't the piece you really need, for example)... and not all pieces fit in every slot. You make it work as best you can, and you keep going. Mistakes get made, and you can give up, or adapt and keep going. You have to keep working at it, but you also can't dwell on problems or you might make those small problems worse.

Eventually, when you just can't keep up anymore... that's it, the game is over, but you still feel good about what you did. Each time, it becomes a little easier to anticipate and keep up with all the different pieces. Plus it can be played on all sorts of devices, from the side of a building to a graphing calculator! And unlike other games... you can't win. It just keeps going until you can't do it anymore.

That may seem like a weird analogy, but it's one that really holds true for me. The only difference is that in Tetris, it starts off easy and gets hard... and in my experience with honesty and trust in relationships, it's the opposite. It started off hard and every mistake added up into disaster. But as I got the hang of it, I began to welcome my errors as opportunities to learn, to practice adaptability, to challenge myself.

Love's roadbumps have become just that... challenges, where once they shut the whole game down or made it miserable to play. And I've learned the most important lesson for relationships- SELF CARE. Now I know that it's ok to step back from the game and stretch, that I do, in fact, need to eat, that if I can't solve a puzzle I may need to take space and come back to it later. And that's ok.

Through play, I learned how to do the work.

Categories: advice, best of, communication, dating, fake it til you make it, games, geekery, love, love is a dog from hell, mistakes were made, nonmonogamy, reflection, self care, Uncategorized


LOOP- Sleek Kegel Exerciser ISO Funds!

I've been thinking a lot about fitness and health and muscles and frankly it's really hard to dig out useful advice and tools from the snake oil being peddled. I'm reasonably fit, but I'm not what anyone would call to get workout tips, either.

But kegels? This is the kind of fitness I know something about.

LOOP, which is running an IndieGoGo campaign right now, is one of the new not-a-sex-toy cunt toys in this increasing trend of pelvic exercisers. We've had ben wa balls or Betty Dodson's barbell for exercising these muscles, but nothing that provides direct feedback about how we're doing. Knowing how strong those muscles are, and if I'm getting stronger or weaker, really helps keep me on track to keep on it.

Plus if I can't rip someone's dick off with my cunt, I'm just not trying hard enough right?

The LOOP comes with a little bamboo bag, and you download an app in order to save the data you receive. That data allows you to train in ways that work for you, as well as seeing if you can beat your own scores. All this for $90 if you pay into their IndieGoGo campaign- not too shabby, considering similar ones cost over $150. Betty's Barbell is $125, and doesn't even give you feedback, so there we go!

I love kegel exercising because I love when I can clamp down on a lover's cock and see them shudder. I love having control over letting someone's fist into my cunt. Also I enjoy that by having all these fun sexy inspirations to keep up with my kegelcising, I also won't be as likely to struggle with incontinence later in life, but that's not nearly as fun an incentive as the shudder my lover gets when I can grip their cock or hand with my cunt muscles.

I like that LOOP isn't designed to go double duty as a vibrator, actually. I think focusing on it as a health tool makes more sense- the expectation that a data extraction implement will also get you off often seems to end up in a product that doesn't do either particularly well. I do want to point out that not all owners of cunts are women, and that not all women have cunts, and I hope the creators will consider editing their copy to reflect that.

I'm curious to try this out when it's ready. I for one welcome our cataloguing of data relating to sexuality... it's about damn time, to be frank, and I'm glad to see it becoming more accessible!

Do you do kegels? What works for you? Have you noticed a difference?

Categories: body stuff, female sexuality, geekery, sex ed, support, toys, Uncategorized


Fucking in Formalwear

When I started the Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, my girlfriend A and I always joked that the unofficial rule was that while hats and gloves were required, everything else was optional. While we said it often enough, the truth was that Ladies High Tea was a pretty casual get together, and rarely did it become even slightly sexual, even with a slight tendency towards vintage fashion.

I've always had an erotic draw towards formalwear, however. One of the hottest fictional characters in the world to me is Jeeves, because a competent man in a suit is basically my pornography. I mean, part of it is that I'm reasonably high femme, and seeing a partner dress up for me tickles my senses in some indescribable ways. The layers upon layers, carefully applied, and the orderly way they all come together is just sensual, as I imagine the time it took to meticulously structure the outfit. And the accessories, especially for mens wear! Suspenders, waistcoat, pocket square, cufflinks- so many little ways to show off a sense of style and uniqueness, and men don't get many opportunities to get creative with their clothing. It just gets me so fucking wet when they do. I love that P and N are both super into letting me dress them in short shorts and glitter, or bow ties and shiny shoes.

I love to be dressed up too, of course. The stockings, the heels, the carefully chosen jewelry, the dress I need a lover to zip onto my body... it's a ritual, and one where the dressing is as hot as the undressing. As I swoop my eyeliner over my lids, as I apply my lipstick and twirl mascara over my lashes, I shiver to think about that makeup running down my face later from sweat, spit, and happy tears. I dress this way as a challenge, and perhaps as a promise. I may not be fit for public consumption, but I can play the part.

I was reminded of how sexy formalwear is recently, when I went to a wedding with N. It wasn't a typical wedding, mainly as it involved friends of mine and therefore was highly likely to be populated by perverts and nerds. Also, because the bride had asked to see my date naked, preferably having sex, presumably with me, during the reception. She's an artist and had enjoyed his body from afar before, and I was a little surprised but happy to oblige, if he was down. So I slipped on a nice dress, making sure to wear black lingerie that was ready to be cut off, just in case... and I made sure to tell him how much I was looking forward to the ripping of fishnets and lace under his hands.

Well, N and I got dressed way before we needed to, as I misread the invite and had us fancied up hours ahead of time. It didn't take much suggestion for us to start to make out, you know, to take up some time. We got to that point of hot and bothered where we definitely wanted to fuck, but... it took us an hour to get ready, and every minute spent putting ourselves back together would be another minute not having teh sexx.

So we kept all our clothes on. No rolled down tights, but right through a hole already ripped through the crotch of the fishnets (carefully, because we didn't want to destroy these until it was the right time). No pulling down of pants, either, but pulling his cock out from the fly. He kept his jacket on. I kept my jewelry on. It was all very elegant, if not necessarily in line with our usual "wholesomeness" kink (which is a whole 'nother blog entry).

At first, it was delicate, trying not to catch cufflinks on lace. Soon, I didn't care if I squirted all over my tulle skirt, I just wanted him inside me as quickly and roughly as possible. N, being quite a giver, obliged me with one hell of a fucking. I remember thinking to myself "I wonder if his tux is going to be smeared with my come, will it need dry cleaning" for a split second before deciding that I hoped it was, and also, fuck it. I have scratched on my upper arm from where he braced himself, his cuff link digging into my flesh. Even better, with his flatmate entertaining in the other room, we had to be incredibly quiet, whispering sweet and filthy dirty talk, whimpering in pleasure, biting knuckles as we came.

While I wrapped my mouth around his post-orgasmic cock, savoring the taste, N grinned down at me and told me that this tux may not have been washed since the last time he wore it. Apparently it gets most of its use at sex parties. This is probably part of why we're dating... I have a thing for the sort of man who wears a cummerbund and nail polish to an orgy, what can I say. And we went to that wedding, smelling of sex instead of perfume, my hair "styled" by our vigorous pounding and a touch of hairspray. It was only right, I think. Later he ripped my bra, panties, and tights off my body as we rolled around on the soft fur of the Liberator faux fur throe. Pure, extravagant luxury, grabbing handfuls of silky fur as your lover grabs handfuls of you. Mmm.

Now I'm kind of aching for another reason to see N in a tux, to be honest. Dry cleaned or not. What can I say, I like the gutter, it's nice there.

"Solidarity is created by shared discomforts, which is caused in part by the civic-minded desire to be pleasing in the eyes of one's fellow citizens," says Lord Whimsy in one of my favourite essays, "The Perils of Sportswear". "Comfort isolates us from one another, and should be seen in the clear light of day for what it is: a killer of nations." I don't know if I'd go that far, but I certainly feel that dressing up for one another indicates a bit of care for what others think, and I find that hot.

I want my lovers to show off for me, as I show off for them.

Wearing a full tuxedo, or an evening gown, suggests a sacrifice for fashion... a masochism I can get behind.

Categories: best of, boys, femme, fetishes, hawt, kink daydreams, masochism, mushy, sex, sexyfuntime, sweeties, yay


Free Porn's Cool, but Paying for Porn is Better

There's a lot of porn on the internet. A lot of it. The Internet, it's said, Is For Porn, as immortalized in a Broadway musical. And so much of it can be found for nothing.

Enter The Porn Dude, a site that collects and rates porn sites, particularly sites that act as hosts for content. The categories are pretty clear, though I have personal squicks about sites focused on ethnicity (especially some of the terms used- it's a pretty racist industry) and, as a porn performer, the inclusion of where to torrent porn makes me sad. Porn is a business, and for some of us, it's a vital part of our income. Places like The Porn Dude can be detrimental, particularly to smaller, more niche companies who may not be able to afford to produce content if their scenes end up stolen and displayed for free. Submitting take down notices can be a full time job, with them going up all the time.

Oftentimes, I'm asked why people would pay for porn when it's so easy to find it for free- and actually, strangely enough, it's my experience with porn hubs that I think demonstrates why paying for porn is useful.

I'm into some reasonably niche things, especially in the world of PornHub, XHamster, etc. I like fisting content, and female ejaculation. I like speculums and being groped on trains. Sites that are dumping grounds for free content often lack the sound or visual quality I want in my porn, never mind the variety- I often find the same 5-10 scenes uploaded multiple times, and, well, that gets boring. Paying for content means I get a steady stream of new material to wank to, as well as feeling good that I'm helping to support the performers who produce the stuff I like. Granted, I tend to prefer solo model focused sites, as I believe more of the money goes straight to the performers- it's like being a patron of the arts. Erotic arts.

I do appreciate that this site lists written smut alongside visual. While I feel the format and look of The Porn Dude isn't particularly appealing (it's somewhat clinical in its cataloging) I think that maybe it could be saved to be more inviting, and perhaps a little more aware of  giving respect to the performers. God knows I've had times where I've gone through the Kristen Archives and wished I could find something new.

It's funny- when The Porn Dude asked about getting a sponsored post on this site, I said I didn't think we'd match up as ethical, feminist, queer, or even indie porn didn't get a category on this site. While XBiz and AVN are beginning to acknowledge our presence, and the Transgender Erotica Awards is changing its name away from an industry standard slur, porn hub type sites still hesitate to expand their labels to include the variety of human sexual expression. I hope, though, that maybe there will come a time where QueerPornTube is listed alongside other free content sites... sites that have come by their content ethically, with the consent of the performers involved. I think we're getting there, slowly.

Hey The Porn Dude- ball's in your court. ;)

Categories: activism, consent, porn, sex work is work, whores are people


A Requiem to Sexy San Francisco: The Day The Boner Died

I remember the first time I went to Folsom Street Fair. I volunteered with the Center For Sex and Culture, bright eyed newbie wanting to help out her community. I ended up on a bicycle, pedaling to power the fucking machine that was going to town on Sadie Lune for a money-raising peep show. "When in San Francisco", I figured, and kept pedaling. I walked the streets and saw blowjobs next to bondage scenes next to piss play next to PIV fucking next to floggings, and I thought I was, at last, home.

When I first met San Francisco, fucking in the street was shrugged off more, with few making it a problem even during regular weekends, never mind special events like Pride or Folsom. Kink.com did shoots on the sidewalks, from what I recall. God knows I got frisky in the bushes by the Sutro Baths, in the back of a pickup truck on Twin Peaks, lead a lover around on a leash when going to Starbucks.

Slowly that's becoming less and less true of the San Francisco I know now. Public nudity is illegal. Our leather pride events allow us to be violent, but not sexual, in public. Our unionized peep show is gone. Multiple sex positive spaces have been shut down, pushed out by gentrification, or defunded by a lack of arts funding.  The San Francisco Bay Guardian, a newspaper that provided a voice to sex workers, BDSM community members who had dealt with abuse, and other folks on the sexual margins, is shutting down. Good Vibrations has gone corporate and pink.

If you left your heart in San Francisco, I hope you bought, not rented.

We came to San Francisco, so many of us, because that was where queer people were accepted, where perverts could find each other, where porn performers could find work if they didn't get along with LA. But we certainly made a mistake in complacency when we got here, because all the things we came here for are being taken away. We didn't protect them, and now they're gone.

I have learned shame, and anxiety, around my sexuality over the past few years. I had unlearned it while treading the sticky floors of the Power Exchange, while performing in live sex shows covered in cupcake frosting and greasepaint, while having giggling sex over picnic tables in the park. But as I begin to worry about the environment, which once seemed so welcoming to a bit of public hanky panky, I find my fear outweighs my desire. I want my lover to grope me in public like in the good old days, but am afraid of the comments and possible consequences in a way I wasn't before.

Perhaps this is growing up, I think to myself. Maybe nothing has really changed, and i'm just less carefree than I was. I notice other people now in ways I didn't before, and am more self-conscious about how we humans bang up against each other day to day.  But I also think that things are actually changing, as money moves into SF and the artists move out. I've watched friends I held dear move into fancy apartments with wealthy lovers and suddenly shed their social justice skins. I can't blame them, not really- perhaps if I had a wealthy lover I would do the same, and forget about solidarity in the face of a room with a view.

This is how we sell out, but who can blame us? So many former sexual revolutionaries are raising children, and sometimes, suddenly their behaviour is recontextualized. So many activists are being physically and professionally harassed into giving up and giving in. As a culture, what was one the flavour of a neighborhood begins to feel like a threat when we have stuff to protect. And hedonism is exhausting, fighting the system is thankless, and capitalism is king whether we're poor or actually scraping by. I get it. Who wouldn't give up the struggle for a bathroom with hot running water and a bed that doesn't leave your body aching? As we get older these things mean more, and they're real. Idealism is nice but it doesn't pay the rent.

Don't get me wrong. i'm not one of those people who thinks that kinky people are severely oppressed and we should be allowed to wear our collars and leashes to our jobs. I just miss the days when I could get tied to a post in SoMa one day a year and squirt all over myself without getting arrested for indecent conduct. It gave me a place to be publicly perverted, and now... now that's gone. That sucks, and I think it's a tragedy.

And so, the boner died in San Francisco, or maybe we traded it for trendy coffeeshops and boutique cupcakes. I can't even really tell if I miss it, or if I've given up too, ready to take my poly cabal and move to a new city, to populate it with my kind of freaks and create that safety for queers such as ourselves. My heart is a little broken, but it will heal, as it did for London before it. Like any relationship, it's important to recognize when you've grown apart and to move on.

Categories: activism, community, I left my sex toys in SF, loss, memories, personal, politics


A Porn Star's Irreverent Guide to Hemorrhoids

I woke up a few days ago to a literal pain in my ass.

I discovered I had a weird, incredibly painful lump on the outside of my asshole. I freaked out, decided I was dying and gross and to be shunned by all of society, and then immediately went to Google it, only to find a lot of confusing and occasionally scary information about how one deals with hemorrhoids. Apparently, one doesn't normally write blogs about it, or even talk to other people about them, but as I have gotten over my own embarrassment, I want to help other people who find themselves with this condition without making them wade through the weirdness that is hemorrhoid licking porn. O.o

Here's the basics:

Everyone has hemorrhoids. They help keep your anus closed when you cough, or have increased abdominal pressure for some other reason (read a bunch about what hemorrhoids are here!). Normally they're unnoticable, but under certain circumstances they can become irritated and inflamed. Usual causes of irritation are straining when making a bowel movement due to not enough fiber in the diet, or having a bout of diarrhea. There's other ways too- mine have been aggravated by long female ejaculation sessions, for example, or other people have found theirs to act up from anal play. Pregnant women often deal with painful and/or bleeding hemorrhoids. Weightlifters can deal with them too. They're pretty common.

There's various ways your body might indicate that your hemorrhoids are inflamed:

-you might notice a bit of bright red blood on your toilet paper, or have some painless bleeding on your poo
-you might have a bunch of sudden, inexplicable itching around your anus
-you might have pain, or a swelling
-you might develop a sensitive and/or painful lump around the rim of your asshole

And there's different kinds of hemorrhoids!

Internal Hemorrhoids - These ones don't tend to be noticeable or painful, they lie right inside your anus. You generally only know there's an issue with internal hemorrhoid inflammation if you see blood on your toilet paper or in your stool.

Prolapsed Hemorrhoids - Sometimes straining can cause an internal hemorrhoid to push through externally. These are usually characterized by the feeling of needing to poop still, a sensitive or painful lump, sometimes some mucus discharge, and difficulty cleaning oneself after using the bathroom. These can be gently pushed back into the anus (I recommend using a gloved hand and some thick lube without glycerin if you do this to prevent irritation or scratching the area).

External Hemorrhoids - These often look blue-ish in tone and present right outside the hole. The added pressure can cause these to be sensitive, and they can even get clotted which can be painful. Sometimes the pressure weakens the skin and they burst, which can offer some relief though requires diligence on keeping the wound clean.

It's a good idea to go to a doctor if you suspect you have hemorrhoids.

Shit, I have hemorrhoids! What can I do?

One of the things I found really frustrating is that some of the advice seems to assume you don't work sitting down all day like most of us do. Sitz baths get great reviews but taking several a day isn't practical or sensible in our current drought. So what works?

- Start taking fiber supplements. I started taking fiber gummies as soon as it started, and I think it helped regulate me, which made the whole process less uncomfortable.

-Ibuprofen did wonders for me in terms of an easy to get painkiller.

- Drink more water! 8 - 10 glasses a day, for serious. Try to avoid alcohol or caffeine as they'll dehydrate you, though I will say a beer helped me not think about my painful butthole and that was useful.

- DON'T USE TOILET PAPER! Use baby wipes, or, preferably, Tucks or Preparation H wipes, which are made to be more environmentally friendly and often have things like witch hazel to help cool and soothe your poor butt. Avoiding irritating the area further will help it heal faster.

-I found leaving a Tucks wipe between my butt cheeks against the hemorrhoid helped to soothe it. Some folks also leave the wipes in the freezer for a bit so they're cold for longer.

-Take as many short warm baths as you can. The warmth and the water will help keep you clean and relaxed. Try to avoid using soap around your hemorrhoid as it might irritate the delicate tissues further.

-White oak bark powder, mixed until smooth into some cocoa butter, can work wonders. It's an astringent, an anti-inflammatory, and antiseptic, so it works in a bunch of different ways to reduce the hemorrhoid and solve the root cause.

-Sleep on your stomach overnight. It'll help immensely by relieving that abdominal pressure.

If you have symptoms for longer than a week, or if the pain is really bad, go to the clinic and get checked out. Hemorrhoid like symptoms can also be symptoms of fissures and other ailments, and the faster you get it checked out, the quicker you can heal! Most hemorrhoids will respond to at home fixes, but some may need medical intervention.

I want to avoid having hemorrhoids! What can I do?

- Try not to spend too much time on the toilet! I'm really bad about reading twitter when I'm pooping, and that can aggravate hemorrhoid issues.

- Make sure you're getting 20-30 grams of fiber a day in your diet. Here's a good list of fiber-rich foods, and you can also substitute bread for high fiber bread, or snack on fiber bars. I've been eating a lot of dried fruit, seeds, and Fig Newtons.

- Check out these squatty potties. I know, it sounds weird, but that position is a lot better for your body, it's not expensive, and it'll make a lot of difference.

- Continue to drink water. Lots of water. Always water. Much water, very water.

-Get regular exercise, even just getting your body moving around like a walk or dancing or something. Prolonged sitting definitely makes them worse!

Sex and Hemorrhoids

One of the reasons I'm writing this is because anal play and anal sex always felt weirdly uncomfortable to me. Cleanliness wasn't an issue, nor was time being spent or enough lube. Now that I've had a hemorrhoid to compare, it's because I had some minor flare ups internally that made the sensation unpleasant! Anal sex doesn't cause hemorrhoids but it can irritate ones that are already a bit inflamed. Following the above suggestions should help minimize that discomfort, and I hope that helps other people as much as it's been helping me!

In addition, arousal increases blood flow to the area, which can cause hemorrhoids to flare up. You don't HAVE to avoid sex, but you might find that you want to when you have pain already! If you're like me, and you still kinda want to, you may find that being on your side or on your belly feels more comfortable as there's less abdominal pressure.

I know it's really embarrassing, but DO tell your partner if you suspect you might have hemorrhoids! It's important to be delicate with your body, as well as being aware of the possibility of blood... which is of course a risk for some STIs. I was worried about telling my sweeties, to be honest, but they all took care of me (one even said they had experienced them too and not to worry, which made me feel a lot better!)

And for the record, I do not recommend licking them. Do you know how dirty your mouth is??

Thanks to Femme Secret Society for suggestions and tips! Your help has eased my pain and hopefully that will also help ease other people's pain. Yay! 

Categories: advice, best of, body stuff, personal, self care


Only a Lad: "Violent Porn Made Him Do It"

So I did a SurveyMonkey to see what people wanted to hear more about from me. It appears porn politics is high up there, so I figured what better way to address that than by talking about Gail Dines' Ms. piece about Jian Ghomeshi?

Dines writes about how Ghomeshi had seemed to her to be sympathetic to the anti-porn cause during an debate he facilitated for Q titled "Is Porn Hijacking Our Sexuality?". Dines states how Ghomeshi "took the side of feminists" (because all twue feminists are anti porn) by asking director John Stagliano about if he felt the porn he made encouraged violence against women. Because of course no women enjoys anal sex or BDSM, what Stagliano is known for.

Dines talks about how, when reconciling her experience with Ghomeshi as a kind, sensitive, woman-friendly host with the reality that he likely assaulted 9+ women, Ghomeshi "ended up sounding a lot like Stagliano by claiming that the women had wanted it.". Because in Dines mind, a pornographer is interchangeable with an abuser.

I need to stop things here, for a minute, and talk a little bit of truth.

I was 5 or 6 when I had my first erotic fantasy. I didn't know that's what it was called, but I knew that I was excited when I thought about it. I would close my eyes and imagine that Shredder had captured me, strapped me onto a metal table, and was slowly cutting my clothes off in preparation for torturing me for information. Which I, of course, wouldn't give, no matter how many times the knives cut my flesh or gently tickled me stroking down my exposed sides. I would let my fingers slide down my skin, feeling the shivers and thinking that was what an orgasm was. Sometimes I'd fall asleep with my hands tied behind my back with my blankie.

I hadn't seen porn yet. My parents didn't keep any in the house, and the internet barely existed. As I grew older, I began to seek out sexual information and material wherever I could. Nancy Friday's "Women on Top" was a go-to, with fantasies that ranged from mundane to incredibly taboo. Sometimes I'd flip through romance novels, only reading the sex parts (which always, without fail, depended on a reluctant heroine being overpowered by the leading man, who often had financial power over her, btw). I masturbated with crayola markers, putting one in my cunt and one in my ass, enjoying the pinch of the caps against my inner labia.

I didn't get that from a fucking porn gif, and this was way before tube sites.

When Ned and I did our Fisting Day porn, we talked about how I wanted it to go and I specifically said I wanted to not show face slapping, spitting, or anything that might be construed as "violent". Fisting already has a reputation for being a violent act, and I wanted to show that it could be really sweet and loving and fun.

That said, to show our sex that way was to not be genuine about how we have sex. I love having my hands held down, my face slapped, my tits and neck bitten, fingers in my mouth and on my throat. I especially like it during something like fisting, where the stimulation of other parts of my body help me to relax and lose focus on my cunt, making it easier to open up. In order to dissuade people that fisting is a type of violent sex, I had to fake the sex I actually prefer and enjoy and make it tamer.

This is why when people underline how important it is to be "genuine" about the porn performances you do, I just have to laugh.

If you want to argue that culture generally leads to fantasies of a loss of control, or of glorifying martyrdom, I'm with you. But to say that it's porn and only porn that influences behaviour is to be completely willfully ignorant of the myriad of other ways media programs us to believe women are passive and men are aggressive and that this is somehow natural and right. And to suggest that all porn is the same, and communicates the same gendered values, is to ignore how the industry varies, and how other countries have found that exposing people to that variety has been helpful, not harmful.

I think violent porn and the troubled mainstream porn industry is, if anything, a symptom of violent misogyny, not the root cause. I think it can be an influence (and that's why it's important to have labour rights for porn performers) but that it's not nearly as strong an influence as anti-porn feminists claim. I understand that it's tempting to blame porn, because that can be regulated and controlled. But if we want to stop men from feeling entitled to strike women, we have to do a much larger scale social overhaul.

Don't forget, after all- he cited 50 Shades of Grey, an erotica book that came from fanfiction and was geared towards women... not violent visual porn. Ghomeshi isn't "only a lad" who couldn't help it- he sought out confirmation for his actions. He didn't have far to look, when our media features codependent, controlling men as leading romantic partners, and our news shows there's no consequences for that behaviour. THAT'S where we need to begin.

Categories: abuse, consent, feminism, kink daydreams, misinformation, pop culture, porn


An Illustrated Guide to Fisting Foreplay in Honour of 4th Annual Fisting Day!

Well the 4th International Fisting Day (October 21st) has come and gone- I have to say, I had a grand old time preparing for and working on it! I have some great footage that's being edited into a fisting scene plus a short interview about Fisting Day, why fisting is considered queer and why its censored, and what it is we enjoy about it.

One of the questions I hear a lot is "how do you get into this?" Fisting is kind of intense- it takes a lot of time, slow warm ups, and far more lube than you'd ever think possible. I find that some days I can manage it and some days I can't- and that's ok! While I find fisting fun, it's definitely an example of enjoying the journey more than the destination... or at least as much!

Anyway, I wanted to write up a guide to illustrate how I warm up for fisting, what sort of toys I use and why so that curious folks could give it a go without feeling as nervous. And please leave questions here if you have them!

I love to start with some hardcore making out. I also like to start off with some stimulation over my panties, like a thigh rubbing against my cunt, or my panties pulled to one side so a finger or two can be slid inside. For me I find a finger moistened with spit is enough lube at this stage in the game, but your mileage may vary.

During the making out/fondling/frottage, we can discuss if I've been warming up using any toys, if I've had an orgasm recently, or any other information that it'd help to share. I've mastered the art of negotiating while also grabbing my lover's ass which I highly recommend by the way, if your lover is into that. Yum.

It also gives me a chance to realize I have to pee (which can totally ruin a fisting experience if you're stressed out about it!) and gives my partner the chance to put down something like a Liberator throe to protect the bedding from juices. I squirt a lot, and reasonably easily, so having something water resistant under me allows me to relax and let my cunt get as wet as it wants to (check out these animated gifs)! The more I feel safe making a mess the easier it is for me to orgasm, and each orgasm tends to open me up a little bit more.

After having two or three fingers inside my now usually wet cunt, I like to switch to toys. Toys are nice because they have a variety that fingers don't really- fingers, while manipulatable, are also bony, and knuckles are surprisingly tough. With toys, too, I can slowly ramp up to a bigger and bigger size, until I've hit the 4 or maybe even 5 finger thickness sweet spot.

I really like to start with glass, too, like the Double Trouble by Fucking Sculptures you see here. The coolness of the glass, the size variation of the two ends, and the totally smooth shape make this a great starter toy from 3 medium sized fingers.

Then I like to experiment with bigger dildos, like the Randy from Vixen Creations. The Randy is nice because while it's pretty thick, it's also pretty short, making it unlikely to beat against your cervix in a way you may find uncomfortable.

The Randy is also nice to use in a strap on harness, or a thigh harness. I personally like having someone use their hands (mainly so I have more access to their body) but for other people the movement of fucking works well to help them relax and open up even more.

Communication is obviously pretty key in these situations, of course! I know my body well, so I know how hard I can push it if that's what I want to do. A slightly smaller but also good choice would be the Maverick, also by Vixen Creations, or if you want more length, you can try the Outlaw, which is reaaaally long but actually a pretty reasonable thickness. I personally love Vixskin, a realistic fake skin silicone mix they use, but you can get some of their toys in regular, firmer silicone too.

Both of these toys are silicone, and as such can be boiled after use to make them sterile again. I use condoms on my toys sometimes anyway just to reduce the risk of any STI transmission even more. If you have some condoms that are on the verge of expiry, this isn't a terrible time to use them up, as the risk is so low and they're mostly being used for quick nd easy cleanup!

Another type of dildo I've been enjoying for pre-fisting prep has been, to my surprise, the Growler from Primal Hardwere. It's their take on a werewolf dick, and I got a chance to review it for you all. Primal Hardwere is an excellent alternative to Bad Dragon, by the way, if you were looking for a place with fewer problems round racism, misogyny and transphobia.

Funny story, I tried really hard not to get something that looked too much like a dog dick, as some people are really grossed out by that (including one of my sweeties) and I have complicated feelings about it myself. So I got hot pink, sparkly, glow in the dark. It still totally looks like a dog dick though- if that's not your bag, go for very unnatural colours.

The advantage to a dick like this is that it has a knot, which can simulate the feeling of a fist in terms of the narrow end getting wider and wider then popping in. I found this one to be a little long at 8" insertable, but I think that's in part because I have a tipped pelvis. Your mileage may vary. The knot is about 9" circumference, which will aid significantly in getting fisted. I went for a medium firmness and was pretty happy with it- just squishy enough to feel comfy, not so much that it flopped over or was hard to insert.

I can imagine humping this on someone's leg via a thigh harness to be a really, really good idea.

This cock was also great for slow gradual stretching via toys. Called the Hippocampus and coming from Exotic Erotics, I chose the large because it had 6" - 8" around it tip to base, and that seemed hefty enough to be worthwhile but not so much so as to cause myself injury.

One of the big things I like about this toy is that it has some texture without being too hard. Fists are pretty much all texture, all bones and knuckles and tendons. Using a toy that has some texture to it can help ease the transition from one to the other. Also it looks really pretty (though is truly huge when you take it out of the box!)

So now that we've tried a few toys, it may be a good time to go to fingers again. This is also when I recommend switching from plain fingers to wearing gloves, if you haven't put some on already. Gloves are great for fisting because they smooth the skin of the knuckles, and remove the risks of being cut by a dry cuticle or a hang nail. Never mind that if you have cuts on your hand, they'll sting like crazy! Gloves are just a really easy and nice way to prep your hands for fisting. I personally go for non-latex, as many people have latex allergies.

Gloves are also good barriers for safer sex reasons. Fisting is considered a lower risk activity for HIV, but is not a zero risk activity, especially when engaging in anal fisting. Hepatitus, bacterial infections, UTIs and minor to major tearing of the asshole or vaginal canal can and do happen if your partner isn't taking enough time to warm you up.

You'll want to lube yourself up well before you start fingering/fisting to avoid tearing. Different people like different lubricants- water based is the most popular (probably something thicker like a gel) though others swear by a silicone lubricant or something like coconut oil. Do keep in mind that oils can break down barriers like gloves or condoms, and that silicone lube may weaken silicone in toys. If using something that you scoop out, try to only scoop product out with a clean hand!

Of course, you'll want to wash your hands thoroughly before and after fisting, just to make sure you're taking those health and safety precautions.

I really love to get a little quality time in with the hitachi before really sticking a fist in me, so finding creative positions that can make both of you happy can make that a lot more fun! I love how here you can see me sucking off my lover while he uses the hitachi on my clit. Multitasking- it's useful!

I also just generally find it helpful to have my clit stimulated by the hitachi once we get to a hand going inside me phase. I can feel my cunt relax against their fingers to prepare to orgasm from the stimulation, and feeling my body doing that makes me care less about whether or not the hand actually gets all the way inside me. Again, it's about the journey, not the destination.

Finally, we get to the hand. It's a good idea to keep your arm straight, fingertips to wrist to elbow, so as not to exhaust yourself with poor ergonomics before you've even really gotten started. As you can see my sweetie here has a nice right angle between his shoulder and his arm, which will give him more leverage. Usually, I'll push myself into his hand rather than him shoving his hand in me, which allows me to go at my own pace. And while sometimes I can be fisted for 10, 20 minutes, usually it's so intense that I'm done after 1-5! Just be sure that your partner will pull out of you slowly rather than suddenly when you ask for a time out.

For me, this is an incredibly intimate act. My partner can feel my heart beating inside me. Every twitch of the muscles, they can feel it in my cunt. My orgasms are laid bare as I envelop my lover into me. It's a lesson in giving and taking, in egging each other on, in trust. A good fisting will leave me struggling to speak, sometimes with my fingertips tingling. Having a bit of dark chocolate and some water around can help a spacey fisting bottom get ahold of language again!

Most importantly, have fun! Fisting is great but it's one of those things that will happen when you're ready. Lots of care, and communication, and (at least for me) making out will help make your fisting experience into something fun and pleasurable instead of something so often dubbed "extreme" or "obscene". Happy Fisting Day (late!)

Thanks Michelle Yoder/James Darling for working cameras on set, as well as J for editing the footage. And thanks, of course, Ned, for being willing to be my model for this project- the pleasure was truly mine! ;) This video when finished will be put up on Queer Porn Tube, TROUBLEfilms free tube site. 

Categories: activism, advice, censorship, dildo, fisting, glass, how-to, I left my sex toys in SF, kink daydreams, love, personal, photos, porn, psa, queer


Fisting Day, 2014! Seeking Submissions!

tl;dr - Fisting Day is October 21st and we're seeking submissions to help with the celebrations!
The Long Version:Like a gentle lover, we’ve slipped one, two, three years into Fisting Day, and now it’s almost time for a fourth!
Yes, October 21st marks the FOURTH annual International Fisting Day, where bloggers, artists, activists, journalists, and fisting lovers all over the world come together to celebrate this beloved and controversial sex act. We hope that International Fisting Day gives you a day to feel pride in your favorite sex act, no matter how misunderstood or shameful they have made you feel in the past.
FISTING DAY was created by queer porn legends Jiz Lee and Courtney Troubleas a response to the overwhelming censorship of fisting as a sex act in pornography, and three years later these “obscenity guidelines” are still effecting our lives as porn makers. We still believe that fighting fisting censorship is a needed cause and hope that you’re involvement in talking about fisting, celebrating and learning about fisting helps us reach our goals of fighting this censorship!I love fisting. I don't do it terribly often as it's very, very intense, but I love how it feels. I wrote about my very first fisting experience a few years back in honor of the day but I've realized other than that I haven't really said much about it. I think because it feels extraordinarily intimate to me. To say that fisting involves trust feels like such an understatement- for me, accepting a lover's fist into my body is like letting them grab onto my heart through my cunt. I'm an anxious, control-fiend of a person- to let someone in on that level is a vulnerability saved for the very, very few (the photo in this post is from one such occasion. I recommend prepping with complimentary fisting manicures.)When I lived in London, you couldn't get fisting porn anywhere, not even the women-friendly sex toy shops. Fisting was considered indecent, and probably violently harmful. I even got a chance to ask someone who worked in the censorship office what it was about fisting in particular- "the knuckles, and the thumb" was the reply. Turns out if you fuck someone with an arm stump, that would be legal, even if that would be thicker. It's just those pesky hands.

Anyway, not daunted, I used to smuggle queer porn from San Francisco to show at Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society meetings. We'd discuss tips and tricks for fisting while we watched the queers on screen as their hands disappeared inside each other. When fisting is made illegal, gathering to watch it is a rebellious act of defiance against censorship and heteronormativity. And I'm all about that!

With Courtney and Jiz away from home, hottie James Darling (of FTMFucker.com) and I have been tasked with putting together a blog carnival/tumblr flood featuring posts about fisting of every description. Sex educators, porn performers, erotica writers, everyone! We're looking for you, dear reader, to get involved.

Interested? You can submit something to our Tumblr, which will also end up in a roundup about Fisting Day 2014 on the official site. You can email us directly and we'll signal boost it on the 21st. Do you have a scene you want to promote? Let us know so we can feature it! We'd love to have you participate however you want to!

Categories: activism, call for writers, censorship, communication, fisting, genitalia, intimacy, Ladies High Tea and Pornography, legality, memories, personal, queer, sex, sexyfuntime, sweeties, yay