Pounded In The Butt By My Own Wedding: Chuck Tingle Wrote Our Vows


My wife (!!!) Jetta and I got married December 28th, 2016 at SF City Hall as a signal of solidarity to each other in the face of an increasingly hostile world. We asked the amazing weird smut writer Chuck Tingle to write our vows, and to our delight, he accepted. Here, we’re reading the vows to each other with the assistance of my other partner, Ape.


Text of the vows below:

Ape says:

In life there are many choices, some of them hard and some of them soft, but even if you STAY HARD most buds never know where theyre gonna end up. On this timeline we might be getting hard as rocks or maybe we turn into a scoundrel or a devil, but there are infinite timelines and when TWO BUCKAROOS end up together you UNDERSTAND that this is a good timeline that proves love is real. This is why we celebrate REAL LOVE for all who kiss today, between two hard buds (name of kitty name of Jetta) thanks. Now lets hear what makes these two buds want to learn each others bodies forever, ignoring the call of the void.

Jetta says:

Kitty, you are keen eyed on the hardest parts of life (like hawks). You are a bud that can listen but also knows how to roughhouse like only the toughest bucks know how (light horseplay, maybe more). Your kisses show that love is REAL and makes me want to kiss the sky especially when you have lots of chocolate milk as an exciting time. Togeather we can drive all night hunting devils and talking about whats HARD, and you can make everyone else HARD and prove love even more just by being around you. Even though weve been buds a long time (since before SPECIAL MIKE: A DANCERS DREAM STORY even) I still see you as the cutest buckaroo on the whole ranch, laughin and ENJOYING horseplay. You make me UNDERSTAND my body. Thank you.

Kitty Says:

Jetta, you are so excited to GET HARD that it makes me HARD, wrestling in the dark or playing balls (in a machine) or eating illegal foods. Even though all flavors besides chocolate vanilla and strawberry are outlawed, you make the best cookies. You are also a KIND buckaroo and would give away all cookies to young bucks in need. Your writing makes me want to POUND your hearts butt, very cute but also very hard and FUNNY like jims carry or other big timers. You are always ready to prove love is real which makes buds ADVENTUROUS as tall tale heros and you are DEVOTED to your buds. Even cats (common scoundrel spys for dark wizards) like you. You make perfect MORNING CHOCOLATE MILK (name of coffee). This is the soul of hard weddings and proves love is real.

Categories: personal, triumph, best of, why I do what I do


Our City Hall Wedding Vows/Mission Statement

2016 can fuck right off but I did get married to a lovely talented femme and I did meet my amazing super supportive boyfriend so it’s not all bad.

I wanted to post the finalized words of our wedding vows. I mean, it’s kind of half vows, half mission statement, but they are important to us and we wanted to share them with the world. It’s been an awful year and we know that the worst is yet to come, but we can get through this, hand in hand and back to back.

Also thank you to Sadistic Stylist for carving the antifa arrows into my head, as well as for doing hair and makeup! ❤


K- This is not the end or climax of our lives, with all pursuant events being a falling action into stagnancy. Our marriage is a statement of our desire to center and honor femme labor and radical politics within our communities and our own personal lives. And this wedding is a reminder that we deserve nice things, too. *look around* Within fiscal responsibility of course.

J- There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. Our partnership provides each of us an anchor that allows us to venture outward into an increasingly hostile world with the confidence of something solid at our backs, something unbreakable from without, but in need of delicate care from within. Like amorous cephalopods entangled in a dozen caresses at the bottom of a lightless ocean, so shall our strength and vulnerability fuse to help us weather an inhospitable world.

K- We will hold each other accountable to being our best possible selves, as activists, as figures of the community, as lovers. I will keep you from hogging the duvet, metaphorically and literally. This is what accountability looks like.

J- We will challenge and support each other’s dreams, like this: next week Kitty, at Madison Square Garden, I’m going to get you in the ring and I’m going to affirm the bejesus out of you.

K- We will use our experience and knowledge of one another to provide support and encouragement to our respective partners and friendships in times of trouble. Polyamory will come to us, speaking words of wisdom: this is the life we chose for ourselves.

J- We will grow, both apart and together, dedicating ourselves to evolution, education, and exploration. We will forge a safe container for change and struggle, stronger than any IKEA lockbox in the world.

K- We will love with our hands wide open. We vow to love and let go again and again, to have and not hold, to love consciously, conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

J- If one of us is lost, the other will account for her and advocate for their memory and spent labor to the community. If we die, may we die historic on the Fury Road… or maybe at the top of a ferris wheel. This is on the record now. That’s how I want you to bury me.

K- The world can change its rules, its laws, and its opinions, as frequently as it chooses, but we are not things. We vow to remain standing and fighting hand in hand or back to back, whatever is most conducive to the combat terrain at that given moment.

J- We commit to leaving this world, and each other, better than we found it. We do not know our road; we commit our lives to the way.

Categories: personal


“Lesbian” is a Noun. Sorry not sorry, Merryn.

“You’ll never guess what they’re saying on Twitter”, my girlfriendsaid to me as we drove into the parking lot of Michael’s to pick up edible silver spray paint for our apocalypse themed wedding. “It’s… the Discourse again.”

I sighed heavily and rolled my eyes. “What is it this time?”

“The editor-in-chief of Curve is saying that all women can identify as lesbians, even if they’re straight, because lesbian is a verb.”

I just laughed. Oh, 2016, always more surprises for the literal trash fire you are, huh? White supremacists are “respected leaders”, convicted rapists are “Olympic hopefuls”, and straight women are now, apparently, lesbians.

What a world.

Here’s the thing. It feels remarkably rich to hear Merryn Johns (that aforementioned editor-in-chief) say that she feels “lesbian” is a verb for all women who desire other women when Curve magazine is more likely to feature a straight actress playing a lesbian than a trans woman who IS a lesbian. Having witnessed my girlfriend and other trans women be discriminated against in lesbian spaces, never mind bisexual women and queer women… I think Merryn is being a little willfully naive at best.

Or perhaps not. The rest of her piece scoffs at the idea of erasure or invisibility, along with other “identity politics” she believes are creating “the schisms between us that define us more than our similarities”. She wrings her hands bemoaning the ways in which more marginalized members of queer community (which ends up meaning bisexuals, trans women, POC, people with disabilities, queer folks, etc etc etc) end up “emphasizing victimhood”. Cause, y’know, in these days of a Republican government and a presidential manbaby with a grudge against women, we definitely shouldn’t make white middle class cis lesbians uncomfortable with such unrefined discussions as intersectional oppression. Heaven forbid!

Straight up (so to speak) — I identify as queer. I identify as queer because it’s been a space more welcoming to my dating people across the gender spectrum, and it often feels politicized in a way that I strongly identify with as part of my sexual, romantic being. I don’t identify as a lesbian, because words *mean* things, and I am not solely attracted to women. To identify as a lesbian would mean, to me, disrespecting a history of homosexual women who were correctively raped, harassed, abused, murdered, and more because of their identity. It would also mean, to me, right now, aligning with some communities of women who have been transmisogynist to people I care deeply for. I do not want to be lumped in with either in some quest for “solidarity”. It’s not worth the price of admission.

I guess the thing I don’t understand is… if you feel like solidarity is lacking so badly, and representation is so heinous, why not muscle in on “gay”? Why not insist that gay spaces stop centering one specific type of masculine and instead open to lesbians, queers, bisexuals, trans folks, and sure, why not, straight folks who dabble? Never mind all the other intersectional gay identities that exist but are so often ignored in depictions of what “gay” looks like— people with disabilities, POC, poor folks, immigrants, and so on.

Merryn doesn’t make this argument because I believe she, on some level, understands that it’s important for “lesbian” to focus on some definition of “women” in particular. If she continued down that line of reasoning, might also lend some light as to why many women consider “lesbian” a noun that doesn’t fit them. You cannot find solidarity with people who tell you that your invisibility doesn’t matter, that you should put your feeling of erasure aside for the “greater good”… which almost always benefits the most privileged on the backs of the less privileged.

I think it’s great that Curve is going to stick with a tagline that it’s for lesbians. Lesbians do need media, and space, and visibility. But “lesbian” is not a verb, and you do not get to force it on people who don’t identify as such. If you want to stick with the L word, you need to understand the full weight of that decision, positive and negative. And if you want to demonstrate inclusiveness, maybe focus more page space to trans lesbians.That’s probably the most worthwhile thing you can do to start healing some of the wounds you claim to feel so torn up about. I’ll be waiting.

Categories: politics, best of, minirant


To Whom It May Concern: short reflections on 2016

Dear ex: You really damaged me. You crawled under my skin and into my head and really hurt me, all while claiming you were a feminist. I will never really forgive you, and I’m ok with that.

Dear self: You are so strong. You are also so fragile. Make sure you leave plenty of room for both, or you may end up broken by your own pressure to stay tough.

Dear crush: You are really really cute and I am both excited to spend more time with you and also really nervous. I’m not entirely sure how to have crushes? Please bear with me.

Dear mom: I really wish you would stop running from your problems. Blaming them on me isn’t going to help you heal, but it will cause us to never have a relationship again. You are an alcoholic and a hoarder and you need mental health care. I love you, but I will not let you hurt me.

Dear dad: I am hopeful that you will realize that while you think you’re acting from a place of love with my mother, you are actually hurting her and holding her back by enabling her.

Dear school: When it’s late, and I’m at my computer late at night chugging Coke and typing furiously… I miss you a lot more than I ever expected to. But not enough to sink into the debt.

Dear sibling: I kinda wish we got to know each other better? But I’m a little afraid that you might end up being kinda racist against Palestinians and I think we’d have some super uncomfortable arguments. So, maybe not.

Dear past me: You were right. It doesn’t end. You will probably be panicky for the rest of your life and sometimes it’ll be hard to breathe and you’ll feel like you’re drowning about 1/5 of the time. But you will have people around you to pet your head and whisper in your ear and make sure you keep breathing. You will be ok.

Dear future me: It’s a really good thing you decided to just do all the drugs you wouldn’t touch as a young adult as an elder because I am pretty sure the world you live in has become a terrifying wasteland. You deserve to escape. You worked hard.

Dear future child: Meow meow meow meow meow you’re a cute kitty what fuzzy ears oh your little toebeans

Dear person I hate: I hope the queer community finally tears you apart. I can’t believe you threatened me and mine and I sincerely hope that there comes a time where you need me to protect you against Trump’s America so I can just walk the fuck away. You betrayed me on such a fucked up, deep level and I hope the queer community sees how awful you are and calls you, loudly, to task. You are a self-centered little shit.

Dear person I love: You’re so fucking special and precious to me. I’m so glad we have each other. You make me feel seen and loved and held and it means so much. We’re going to get through the next 4 years, the next 8, the next 16, fighting and fucking and laughing and loving.

Dear ex best friend: I keep trying, but I don’t really think I can ever really trust you again. I’d say that I’m sorry for that, but tbh, when I think back, our friendship was wildly unhealthy and uneven and I think we’re better off without each other. I wish you well!

Dear celebrity crush: all our faves are problematic. You are no exception. Please keep learning and growing, though?

Dear future partner: I know I seem hard sometimes, but it’s a defense mechanism to protect my soft squishy insides. Be gentle with me, even if I seem intimidating. I’m really just a bundle of nerves, crackling.

Dear sweetheart: I adore you. Sometimes I’m scared that I’m too intense about that adoration and that you’ll get startled and run. Sometimes I find it hard to love with my hands open. I know you need freedom and I want to give you that, even though it terrifies me, because I love you and I want to grow beyond my fears. But I’ve fallen hard for you, skinned knees and scraped palms.

People that hate me: You said I was toxic and it really hurt my feelings, pretty intensely. I worried about if I was doing something wrong, had been wrong for months. But you know what? It gave me an opportunity to reflect on my actions, my words, and my motivations. Auditing my behaviour has been a good way to see where I need to grow and where I’m actually doing pretty damn well. Frankly? I do a lot of really solid things for my community on a daily basis, I am regularly learning and stretching and wrapping my head around where I’m wrong, and at the end of the day I don’t need to justify myself to you, or to anyone. Perhaps that’s what you find toxic: the fact that I do not require or request your approval.

Categories: personal, musing


Advent Calendars That Aren't Cheap Chocolate

Anyone who has been around me for any length of time knows that I love Christmas. I love the lights, I love the music, I love the charity work, I love the cheesy movies, I love the cookies. Everything about it pleases me immensely. 

But one thing I really love? Giving people presents. And advent calendars are a really nice way to do that, with little presents all month long making December a little more fun. If you normally dislike the holidays, or find yourself cynical about it, gift yourself an advent calendar. Consider it a reward for making it through each day. 

The one issue is that in the US, where we don't really do advent calendars so much, we're often stuck with really shitty paper calendars with even worse, waxy milk chocolate. No longer! Here's some suggestions on advent calendars you'll actually be excited about. 

24 Days of Beard Treats 
Let's be honest, every advent calendar on this list is sraight out of hipster heaven. But this one, with tiny vials of beard oil, scented with everything from fresh cut grass to leather to steel, really takes the cake. It's practical, though, especially for bearded folks who travel.

Ciate Mini Mani Month
These tiny nail polishes allow you to sample a bunch of different colours and techniques without committing to the full size deal, which is great! The small size does mean they tend to dry out faster, so consider some nail polish revitalizer if these polishes might be sticking around. 

The Whisky Advent Calendar
Fuck cheapo milk chocolate - how about a taste of some real holiday cheer in the form of expensive whisky? Each year has a different collection to help you get through all your wrapping with the company of some good spirits. Not into whisky? They also have gin, tequila, rum... basically every type of booze, including a premium version of the whisky one. 

The LEGO Advent Calendar
Available in both a city and Star Wars iteration, this is a great calendar for people who like to fidget with something at work. Who doesn't like LEGO? Just don't forget to pick them up after - no one likes stepping on these plastic blocks! 

Christmas Beer Advent
While perhaps lacking in the specific holiday/winter beer categories, this advent calendar is great for those who enjoy good German beers. What's more holiday feeling than that? After all, the Christmas tree comes from a German tradition.

​Artful Tea Advent
Winter is the perfect season for getting cosy. What's more cosy than a steaming hot cuppa? This calendar offers up 24 numbered tea bags with different flavours of tea from an independent tea shop, in a nice assortment from black to green to herbal.

Lovehoney's Big Box of Sexual Happiness
I wouldn't be me if I didn't offer up a sex toy advent calendar. Lovehoney's offering isn't filled with expensive leather, but it's got some cute supplies for the couple who might enjoy a bit of spanking, and it's not intimidating. There's also masturbation toys for penises and clits, which is nice. 

Moonstruck's Truffle Advent Calendar
Finally, if you just have to have chocolate as your countdown treat? Moonstruck is an excellent chocolate company based in Portland. With 24 luxurious truffles to soften the blow, it'll be a little bit easier when you finally lose "Little Drummer Boy" while running errands. 

Categories: holidays, gift guides


The Present Posse: a secret snowflake gift exchange

Do you wanna participate in a secret snowflake exchange with fellow artists, activists, makers and shakers? Wanna get something that'll expand your mind, expand the capability of your bug out bag, or just make you giggle?

I feel like as activists we end up exhausting ourselves and burning out a lot, so I wanted to do this little gift exchange as a way to lift our spirits.

Handmade stuff is awesome! Buying stuff from small businesses is awesome! Regifting stuff is awesome! Make sure you offer a diverse list of your interests/things you like to help your secret snowflake out. Also offer any limitations as they relate to the things on your list (gluten allergy, chemical sensitivity, Mac vs PC, etc).

Sign up here between now and December 7th

Categories: holidays


Basic Bitch? Maybe.

Living with a partner when you're poly involves a lot of negotiation when it comes to sleepover dates with others. You have to be consistent with putting things in your Google calendar, for a start, and you have to be prepared for a certain amount of planning ahead of time. Impulse dates are hard to manage when you have only one bed between you. The advantage of this is that you begin to get creative about where you can fool around. As someone who loves semi-public play for the novelty of it but also cares deeply about consent and doesn't eroticize "getting caught", it's a challenge to find spots that tick all the boxes that also don't cost an arm and a leg. Public spaces are by their very nature public, which makes them risky. And while sex parties are the right space and the right time, I'm old and jaded about fucking in someone else's wet spot. So I have to think a little further outside the box.

It was a weekday and I finally had a daytime date with my boyfriend.  Boyfriend! The word felt new and unnatural still, even if I had a lot of joy from using it. Introducing him to old friends led to me still working out what to call him in relationship to me, and the syllables of "boyfriend" still felt a little like rolling marbles in my mouth. We had only just recently begun to say we loved each other, something that filled my heart to bursting. The sun was shining and everything felt perfect.New relationship energy is, for me, like the first pumpkin spice lattes of the season. It's exciting because I love autumn, I love Halloween, I love soups and pies and cuddling by fires and that pumpkin spice latte is like a symbol for all that. People who like to seem cool shun the pumpkin spice latte, which is their prerogative, just as people like to be too cool for being in love and having a bunch of mushy feelings. Fine, whatever. I enjoy my PSL, and my NRE, and when they fade they just transform into a love for something new and just as enjoyable. Novelty can only be novelty as long as it stays novel, after all, and all things change. 

I wanted to go to a pumpkin patch, and a weekday seemed like an ideal time to go. No crowds, no traffic, just a cute day holding hands and picking out the perfect Halloween decorations. And there was a hay maze at the spot I picked, a hay maze I had never successfully found my way through, so that was an added incentive. The farm was empty except for a woman at the desk and a couple of farm hands working, so we had the place to ourselves. We walked into the hay maze confident. He suggested we stick to the wall, which I mostly followed... well, until I didn't anymore.

I wanted to get lost.  

I led him by the hand and we explored probably every dead end in that hay maze. Soon we were using the dead ends as an opportunity to make out. At first our kisses were tender, brief, and sweet, as we giggled about feeling like a couple of kids at prom. Then we got more daring, our kisses heating up, hands up skirts and down pants as we took turns throwing each other against they hay bales. No matter how entangled we got, though, we had to keep moving along, trying new paths and retracing our steps. We found a chair along the way, and used that to prop up my leg so he could slide his fingers into my cunt, the hay prickling into my back as I tried not to moan too loudly. Or, in another dead end, I sat on the chair to suck his cock, the sun warming our bodies. 

Two hours later, we stumbled out of the maze through the way we had come in, picking hay out of our hair and giggling as we went to wash our hands before picking out pumpkins. My little orange reminders look wholesome on my front porch, even if they make me grin, remembering getting frisky for fall.

As much as I love this season, I had never had sexytimes in a hay maze before. I think it might become a seasonal tradition. And if that makes me a basic bitch, well, I'm a basic bitch who fucked in a hay maze, so. ;)

Categories: sexyfuntime, personal, boys, fantasy


A little story about bondage...

mcuffs-front_0Last night I asked him to cuff me.

We've been fucking for months now, both in bed and in the wilderness, but always on equal footing. We took turns on paying bills and treating each other to beer at one local dive or another. After years of explicit power dynamics, I found it refreshing for my pleasure to be put front and center, my enjoyment his priority. He had been eating me out for weeks before I sucked his cock, a rare swapping of sexual roles in my experience. But then, he never held me down or held me back.

It used to be that when I asked for something kinky it was because the sex we were having bored me. I fetishize novelty, and I've been in these communities for 14 years. It's difficult to come up with something new and exciting for this jaded libido! So I would enjoy the vanilla sex for a while, then we'd get into spanking or toys or role plays because the sex on its own wasn't enough to hold my interest anymore. Developing a power exchange was not about trust or intimacy so much as it was about creating a distraction.

Not so this time. I realized that I wanted him to cuff me because I trusted him enough to be willing to see what he'd do if I was immobilized. I wanted to tell him what my fantasies were, the silly ones and the dark ones. This time is was about a deepening of intimacy, not a deflection. It wasn't about submission, or pain, but surrendering - not to him, but to my own desires.  I have always been both incredibly open about sex and very shielded about some of my own fantasies, but I have had nothing to fear from him. He has never laughed at me, never once made me feel self conscious. He caresses my belly, my upper arms, my thighs and I feel beautiful. He expresses concern when he sees blisters on my feet, not disgust. It's like we've known each other for years and it's only been a few months, yet I feel naked under his gaze in a way that's comforting.

As he wrapped the leather around my wrists I knew I could slip out of them easily. With other lovers, I would have been a brat, played a game, tried to provoke a punishment. But last night I linked my fingers together to remind myself I was bound, and I let his fingers and tongue travel over my skin, nestling into the hair of my cunt and armpits. He kissed me and I could taste myself on his lips. We fucked and I came harder than I had in months. I let go and exploded into a thousand pieces.

Last night I asked him to cuff me. He said he loved me for the first time in person, his own expression of surrender and intimacy. I cherish it as delicately as I cherish my own. It's beautiful and wild to love and be loved, to hold hands and walk around the lake, to press our bodies together in an abandoned hay maze unsure if we'll ever find our way out again.

I am a creature of control, and yet I delight in being lost with him, in him.

Cuffs from Aslan Leather

If you like this and want me to write more true life erotic pieces, please join my Patreon! Every $1 helps me make time to write things like this. 

Categories: best of, bondage, dating, love, mushy


Review: "The Butters", a Lube from LTASEX

IMG_20160903_160148When my buddy posted a call for folks who would try out his new lube, I immediately volunteered. I know Jerome from his blog, LTASEX, where I had done an interview around the release of Hard Femme. He writes great sex ed stuff from a Black, gay, poly and kinky perspective (among other things), does a podcast covering mental illness, and does video interviews (and hey you should go sponsor him on Patreon!)

As someone who is possibly perpetually dehydrated and who tends to not produce a lot of natural lubrication anyway, I'm always on the lookout for something that will be a nice alternative. I'm sensitive to a lot of things in lube - flavours and glycerin in particular, but I also have preferences on gel vs liquid, and how easy it is to get it off when sexytimes are over. I was excited to check out this new lube.

What made me laugh when I went to the site to grab a sample I saw it was called "The Butters". Now, I dunno if you saw this video, but in 2011 this white lady went viral for posting a rant about how Black folks were hiding "the butters" from white folks - cocoa butter, shea butter, etc. I don't know what rock she's been living under, because I've been using coconut oil and shea butter for everything under the sun for years. But it lead to an interesting discussion online about the white supremacist construct of the "magical Negro" who has secret mystical potions for self care, and unpicking why that is. Why is it that white folks don't tend to know about how amazing cocoa butter is?

Anyway I got sent a sample in a little tub. I'm hoping as this lube takes off there will be a slightly more secure transportable container (I worry this one might leak in transit?) and my one complaint would be that you have to make sure you don't double dip and get intimate fluids into the tub (which is really an issue with all butter consistency lubes).

IMG_20160903_160252BUT. The lube itself is magical. It's so, so smooth, has a faint but pleasant smell, next to no taste, and it stays slippery for so, so long! I used it for masturbation and it was still slippery and lovely after 45 minutes with a hitachi, and I used it for sex with a sweetie, and it definitely took the sex up a notch from the lube we used the night before. He appreciated the lack of drippiness - the lube stayed where we put it - and I appreciated that it didn't taste funky so we could switch between PIV and oral without a nasty taste ruining the mood.

Now, that said, it isn't condom safe - oils break condoms - but it is fabulous for bareback (which, of course, do responsibly, etc). I expect it would also be an amazing anal lube and jack off cream. The best part is that it had most of the advantages of silicone while also eventually absorbing into my body... and I had one or two little cuts on my labia that were completely healed the next day.

(edited to note: I was made aware that actually non latex polyisoprene condoms like Lifestyle Skyns will have synthetic latex in them, and as such are still a bad idea to use with oil based lubes. Instead, you can use polyurethane condoms like the Trojan Bareskin ones.)

But that's not all. This lube is multipurpose! For traveling this is SUCH a practical formula. You can use it as a makeup remover, as a lotion, as a deep hair conditioner, as a leather conditioner, to take care of beards, to shave, to heal your tattoo... it's really all purpose in a way I really like. Did I also mention that it's vegan, pH balanced, and doesn't feel oily at all? Yeah. "The Butters" is a fucking fantastic lube and I plan to bring it with me everywhere.

AND most importantly? It's under $9 for a cup, which, considering how long this stuff lasts and how little of it you need, will last you a good long time.

Wanna try it for yourself? Order it at LTASEX, and while you're over there, check out the blog!

Thank you Jerome for sending me this in exchange for an honest review. You've directly improved my sex life. <3

Categories: lubricant, my nethers, review, sex


A Brand New Brand

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 12.01.20 AMThanks to to support of my Patreon patrons, I was able to hire someone to redesign my site so I could take a step back from porn as my main focus and begin to rebrand myself. I am so excited for the site to be done- its so much cleaner now, and easier to navigate, and I got to keep my pretty colours and my rococo meets shabby chic aesthetic!

Because I'm making a huge step back from the adult industry. Formally, I've quit sex work- after 14 years in this field, I'm pretty done with being a performer in it. I'm overall happy with my experiences in XXX but frankly it's become less fun and more emotional labour than I wanted, and if I'm going to have a lot of emotions, I'd rather be writing about them and just make erotic art for fun.Honestly, I'm scared. I've been a sex worker for my entire adult life, and I don't really know who I am if I'm not identifying as an active sex worker anymore.  And can I ever really not be a sex worker? How many years from my last paid for blow job does it take to not be a sex worker anymore? Is it like sobriety, where I might fall off the wagon and start over? Is it fucked up to relate sex work to sobriety? In some ways I find myself reaching for booze and sex work for similar unhealthy reasons- it's easy and available, even if I feel unhappy with it.

Will I never do porn again? Nah, I love making erotic film! I might direct more than perform, and it will probably all be weird storylines and themes from now on, because that's what juices me up. And I'll still take sexy photos and write smut because as a person I'm a reasonably sexual being. The reason I needed to stop leading with my sex worker brand is because I recognized how often I disassociated around sex. I value my sexuality and pleasure and missed it when it was gone, but didn't know what else to do. I felt stuck.

Frankly, Patreon has made it possible for me to quit sex work and not be terrified about how I would pay rent or feed myself. I'm so grateful.

So I'm redoing my website, and redoing my Patreon. I want to be able to not be marked NSFW anymore so I can be searched for on here, so I will likely be hosting any sort of visual adult content through passwords on another site, so my patrons can still have access to it without hosting it on Patreon itself.

I'm hoping as of September 15th, when I'll be fully moved into my new apartment with my fiancee,  I'll have a lot more time for writing and pitching and maybe even making a podcast or something. We'll see! It's been a tough few months but it's looking up and I can't wait to find out who I am when I'm not trying to market my sexuality first. I hope you'll come along for the ride, and maybe even invite your friends. <3

Categories: best of, personal, update