My wife (!!!) Jetta and I got married December 28th, 2016 at SF City Hall as a signal of solidarity to each other in the face of an increasingly hostile world. We asked the amazing weird smut writer Chuck Tingle to write our vows, and to our delight, he accepted. Here, we’re reading the vows to each other with the assistance of my other partner, Ape.
Text of the vows below:
In life there are many choices, some of them hard and some of them soft, but even if you STAY HARD most buds never know where theyre gonna end up. On this timeline we might be getting hard as rocks or maybe we turn into a scoundrel or a devil, but there are infinite timelines and when TWO BUCKAROOS end up together you UNDERSTAND that this is a good timeline that proves love is real. This is why we celebrate REAL LOVE for all who kiss today, between two hard buds (name of kitty name of Jetta) thanks. Now lets hear what makes these two buds want to learn each others bodies forever, ignoring the call of the void.
Kitty, you are keen eyed on the hardest parts of life (like hawks). You are a bud that can listen but also knows how to roughhouse like only the toughest bucks know how (light horseplay, maybe more). Your kisses show that love is REAL and makes me want to kiss the sky especially when you have lots of chocolate milk as an exciting time. Togeather we can drive all night hunting devils and talking about whats HARD, and you can make everyone else HARD and prove love even more just by being around you. Even though weve been buds a long time (since before SPECIAL MIKE: A DANCERS DREAM STORY even) I still see you as the cutest buckaroo on the whole ranch, laughin and ENJOYING horseplay. You make me UNDERSTAND my body. Thank you.
Jetta, you are so excited to GET HARD that it makes me HARD, wrestling in the dark or playing balls (in a machine) or eating illegal foods. Even though all flavors besides chocolate vanilla and strawberry are outlawed, you make the best cookies. You are also a KIND buckaroo and would give away all cookies to young bucks in need. Your writing makes me want to POUND your hearts butt, very cute but also very hard and FUNNY like jims carry or other big timers. You are always ready to prove love is real which makes buds ADVENTUROUS as tall tale heros and you are DEVOTED to your buds. Even cats (common scoundrel spys for dark wizards) like you. You make perfect MORNING CHOCOLATE MILK (name of coffee). This is the soul of hard weddings and proves love is real.