I woke up a few days ago to a literal pain in my ass.

I discovered I had a weird, incredibly painful lump on the outside of my asshole. I freaked out, decided I was dying and gross and to be shunned by all of society, and then immediately went to Google it, only to find a lot of confusing and occasionally scary information about how one deals with hemorrhoids. Apparently, one doesn't normally write blogs about it, or even talk to other people about them, but as I have gotten over my own embarrassment, I want to help other people who find themselves with this condition without making them wade through the weirdness that is hemorrhoid licking porn. O.o

Here's the basics:

Everyone has hemorrhoids. They help keep your anus closed when you cough, or have increased abdominal pressure for some other reason (read a bunch about what hemorrhoids are here!). Normally they're unnoticable, but under certain circumstances they can become irritated and inflamed. Usual causes of irritation are straining when making a bowel movement due to not enough fiber in the diet, or having a bout of diarrhea. There's other ways too- mine have been aggravated by long female ejaculation sessions, for example, or other people have found theirs to act up from anal play. Pregnant women often deal with painful and/or bleeding hemorrhoids. Weightlifters can deal with them too. They're pretty common.

There's various ways your body might indicate that your hemorrhoids are inflamed:

-you might notice a bit of bright red blood on your toilet paper, or have some painless bleeding on your poo
-you might have a bunch of sudden, inexplicable itching around your anus
-you might have pain, or a swelling
-you might develop a sensitive and/or painful lump around the rim of your asshole

And there's different kinds of hemorrhoids!

Internal Hemorrhoids - These ones don't tend to be noticeable or painful, they lie right inside your anus. You generally only know there's an issue with internal hemorrhoid inflammation if you see blood on your toilet paper or in your stool.

Prolapsed Hemorrhoids - Sometimes straining can cause an internal hemorrhoid to push through externally. These are usually characterized by the feeling of needing to poop still, a sensitive or painful lump, sometimes some mucus discharge, and difficulty cleaning oneself after using the bathroom. These can be gently pushed back into the anus (I recommend using a gloved hand and some thick lube without glycerin if you do this to prevent irritation or scratching the area).

External Hemorrhoids - These often look blue-ish in tone and present right outside the hole. The added pressure can cause these to be sensitive, and they can even get clotted which can be painful. Sometimes the pressure weakens the skin and they burst, which can offer some relief though requires diligence on keeping the wound clean.

It's a good idea to go to a doctor if you suspect you have hemorrhoids.

Shit, I have hemorrhoids! What can I do?

One of the things I found really frustrating is that some of the advice seems to assume you don't work sitting down all day like most of us do. Sitz baths get great reviews but taking several a day isn't practical or sensible in our current drought. So what works?

- Start taking fiber supplements. I started taking fiber gummies as soon as it started, and I think it helped regulate me, which made the whole process less uncomfortable.

-Ibuprofen did wonders for me in terms of an easy to get painkiller.

- Drink more water! 8 - 10 glasses a day, for serious. Try to avoid alcohol or caffeine as they'll dehydrate you, though I will say a beer helped me not think about my painful butthole and that was useful.

- DON'T USE TOILET PAPER! Use baby wipes, or, preferably, Tucks or Preparation H wipes, which are made to be more environmentally friendly and often have things like witch hazel to help cool and soothe your poor butt. Avoiding irritating the area further will help it heal faster.

-I found leaving a Tucks wipe between my butt cheeks against the hemorrhoid helped to soothe it. Some folks also leave the wipes in the freezer for a bit so they're cold for longer.

-Take as many short warm baths as you can. The warmth and the water will help keep you clean and relaxed. Try to avoid using soap around your hemorrhoid as it might irritate the delicate tissues further.

-White oak bark powder, mixed until smooth into some cocoa butter, can work wonders. It's an astringent, an anti-inflammatory, and antiseptic, so it works in a bunch of different ways to reduce the hemorrhoid and solve the root cause.

-Sleep on your stomach overnight. It'll help immensely by relieving that abdominal pressure.

If you have symptoms for longer than a week, or if the pain is really bad, go to the clinic and get checked out. Hemorrhoid like symptoms can also be symptoms of fissures and other ailments, and the faster you get it checked out, the quicker you can heal! Most hemorrhoids will respond to at home fixes, but some may need medical intervention.

I want to avoid having hemorrhoids! What can I do?

- Try not to spend too much time on the toilet! I'm really bad about reading twitter when I'm pooping, and that can aggravate hemorrhoid issues.

- Make sure you're getting 20-30 grams of fiber a day in your diet. Here's a good list of fiber-rich foods, and you can also substitute bread for high fiber bread, or snack on fiber bars. I've been eating a lot of dried fruit, seeds, and Fig Newtons.

- Check out these squatty potties. I know, it sounds weird, but that position is a lot better for your body, it's not expensive, and it'll make a lot of difference.

- Continue to drink water. Lots of water. Always water. Much water, very water.

-Get regular exercise, even just getting your body moving around like a walk or dancing or something. Prolonged sitting definitely makes them worse!

Sex and Hemorrhoids

One of the reasons I'm writing this is because anal play and anal sex always felt weirdly uncomfortable to me. Cleanliness wasn't an issue, nor was time being spent or enough lube. Now that I've had a hemorrhoid to compare, it's because I had some minor flare ups internally that made the sensation unpleasant! Anal sex doesn't cause hemorrhoids but it can irritate ones that are already a bit inflamed. Following the above suggestions should help minimize that discomfort, and I hope that helps other people as much as it's been helping me!

In addition, arousal increases blood flow to the area, which can cause hemorrhoids to flare up. You don't HAVE to avoid sex, but you might find that you want to when you have pain already! If you're like me, and you still kinda want to, you may find that being on your side or on your belly feels more comfortable as there's less abdominal pressure.

I know it's really embarrassing, but DO tell your partner if you suspect you might have hemorrhoids! It's important to be delicate with your body, as well as being aware of the possibility of blood... which is of course a risk for some STIs. I was worried about telling my sweeties, to be honest, but they all took care of me (one even said they had experienced them too and not to worry, which made me feel a lot better!)

And for the record, I do not recommend licking them. Do you know how dirty your mouth is??

Thanks to Femme Secret Society for suggestions and tips! Your help has eased my pain and hopefully that will also help ease other people's pain. Yay!