Siderodromophilia: My Newest Kink is Sex on Trains

"I wonder if there's  word for being sexually aroused by fantasizing about fucking in trains," I thought idly to myself as I thumbed through my most popular blog, which is on unusual fetishes. I dug around briefly and discovered, of course, yes there is- it's called siderodromophilia, and it's in the same family as a lust for airplanes (acrophilia) and a lust for sex in parked cars (momaxia, and play safe, kids). There's no real differentiation in the term between desiring sex in a train or desiring the train itself- I'm not aroused, personally, by the look of  trains, but I'll admit my clit throbs when I hear a train whistle go past.

I don't know where exactly it started. I've always enjoyed fantasies of being overwhelmed, too many hands and genitals, and I've also always loved semi-public play, that fear of being caught, so I imagine those both had something to do with it. Still, the fantasy of being fucked in a train came suddenly this year, and it's quickly skyrocketed to my #1 fantasy. With BART, CalTrain, Amtrack and Muni, I guess I have my pick of train-like vehicles to try, though I wonder if I'll chicken out at the last minute! And while I like the risk element, I also want to avoid upsetting people, which makes this kink hard to act out. I definitely don't want someone to see it and think it's ok to do to just anyone, either, which is already a problem.

In the meantime, as a way of streamlining/pinpointing what it is about train sex, I've been watching a lot of porn. I've discovered that porn shot on buses aren't the same for me, though subways often will work in a pinch. I love it when a hand slides into the panties to finger her until she squirts down her thighs, muffling any moaning. Cutting the tights away for easy access is not necessary, but certainly erotic. Perhaps even just that would be enough for me, with the PIV sex happening against a wall in a darkened corridor instead... I'm not picky.

Why trains? I'm not sure. Maybe the sense of movement is fun for me, that our fucking starts in one place and we end up somewhere completely different. Maybe it's the sense of others going about their mundane lives while we do perverted things. There's more space than in the backseat of a car, which is important, and it's easier to get lost in the crowd afterwards.  The idea of someone coming onto the train, making me come all over myself, and then disappearing to never be seen again is an appealing one for me, even if I doubt I'd want to do that in real life.

One of my lovers has suggested he'd take up the challenge of this. It's a thought that keeps me squirming in my seat, even as I write this. I have no doubt he could help me pull it off. I guess next time I go and visit, I'll wear disposable panties and tell him to bring a knife... just in case.  Oh, and my Clipper card, of course. ;)

Categories: consent, fantasy, fetishes, kink daydreams, masturbation, my nethers, personal


Analyze This! More Questions From Google Keyword Searches

Time for Round 2 (Round 1 is here) of using people's Google keyword searches that made it to my blog as questions to answer for Analyze This! It's like a mini advice column, except faster, more random, and often a lot weirder. 

can double penetration hurt baby

There's no indication that double penetration while pregnant would hurt a baby. As with any sex, go slowly, and communicate! If it's painful, then stop. I'd recommend ensuring your toys are clean if you use them by boiling them and using silicone- if doing it with another person, I would recommend having safer sex.

how to ride cowgirl if you're a bbw

Cowgirl can be difficult when you're bigger or have sore joints, IME, mainly because of the strain on the knees. But there's ways to make it work without sitting all the way back with your legs folded under you! Being on all fours can be helpful for movement and for relieving knee strain, and putting a pillow under the ass of the person on the bottom can raise their pelvis making the distance between your junk and theirs smaller. I discovered that by letting my lover clasp onto me and thrust into me, I could have the rough sex I wanted while not necessarily being in missionary position.

Read some more great info/advice here and here!

how to make a sex toy men

I'll be honest, I don't know why you wouldn't just buy a sex toy for men (Tenga eggs, for example, or the monkey spanker) but if you're more of a DIY person, check out this article! I'll have one of the guys try out a few DIY tutorials online so we can make up a rated list (I noticed a lot of these sites are misogynist, make prison jokes, or both, so).

I'm... a little amazed that someone thought fucking bread would feel like a cunt, but hey.

can you tell if a person sucks dick by the shape of their lips

Uh.... nope. That'd be handy, though. I'd never date a straight boy again!

psychology behind tentacle fetish

Well, originally it was a way of getting past censors, as while penises needed to be censored tentacles did not. As for why people get off on it... I find it erotic for the same reason I find gangbangs erotic- the sense of being overwhelmed by almost too much stimulation, all my bits touched at once. Some people suspect it might also be a type of power trip for those who want to *be* the overwhelming element of so many appendages at the same time.

You should check out Consentacle, by the way, a game about consensual tentacle sex!

why do people like age play porn

I've spent a lot of time asking myself that too, to be honest. Generally, though, it's about being able to let go of responsibility and worry, to allow yourself to be just taken care of. I also think it's a bit about humiliation and feeling... little, but in a way that feels safe. Some people find it erotic, some people don't but instead, they find it comforting. I kind of talk about it in this tag, both as someone who is trying to please a partner into age play and as an AB/DL porn performer. It's not my kink, though!

how to seduce myself by sexual torture by inserting weird things in vaginas

I have so many questions. But let me try to give advice...

In your vagina? Make sure you're choosing "weird things" that don't have sharp edges, aren't able to break/shatter, and don't have moving pieces that can pinch. I used to masturbate with Crayola markers and the caps on those pinch HARD let me tell you! Use a lot of lubricant, and stop if it feels painful. I'd probably suggest you make these weird objects a one-time-use thing, too, unless you can properly sterilize them. Also make sure if they slip into you, you can push/pull them out (covering them with a condom may help here). But hey, no judgment! I'd use a mirror if it's about seducing yourself so you can see the items go in (and monitor in case something goes wrong).

In someone else's vagina? I'd be a lot more careful here, as you won't get immediate feedback about how things feel. Use the above advice, be careful and communicate a lot. Also, sexytimes should be about seducing everyone involved, not just you, so keep that in mind and don't be selfish!

Categories: ab/dl, advice, consent, fetishes, toys for boys


What's Your Alignment? Social Justice Class Badges

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Social Justice Warrior is a term used generally to insult people who are seen as caring too much about cultural and political issues, especially if the accused SJW also employs the use of callout culture. It seems to have started, along with white knight, as a way to brand the "fanatics" of left-leaning activism. SJWs "dogpile" and "try to get points" as a form of activism... though this is often an accusation made by people who are not open to any form of critique.

What's critique and what's bullying can feel very different, depending on which side of the megaphone you're on.

Then, like the term "politically correct", some decided the term made some sense for their work, and didn't see anything wrong with trying not to offend others, or fighting oppression. A period of embracing it came about, with some (including me) enjoying teasing those who act like being a social justice warrior is some awful thing.

I asked on Twitter how people felt about the term "social justice warrior". Some really dug it, some were concerned about abusive people who used the identity as an excuse to be abusive, some didn't care one way or the other. Me, I think bullies will use any tactic, and it's possible to be a SJW without that meaning you resort to lashing out. It's vital when doing this kind of activism to be constantly open to hearing critique, and to let go of defensiveness... but that's hard to do.

Now it seems we're back to shunning the phrase, as enough folks who call themselves "social justice warriors" have shown themselves to be bullies. We here at Consent Culture are firm believers in Tough Love and saying the shit that needs to be said... but we also try to hold a lot of compassion and loving kindness. "Warrior" may not really be the class for us. According to some who believe we're making major $$$ and getting famous through being feminist killjoys, maybe "social justice rock star" is appropriate (and fuck, if only we were more popular for talking about this shit instead of socially shunned, what a world we'd be in!)

That's where these buttons come in- depicting alternatives to the "warrior" class, they make space for that tongue-in-cheekiness while also not centering violence. I've been told I'd make a good social justice bard. Make of that what you will.

I interviewed Sarah “Chip” Nixon, @chiperoo, about the idea to create these cute 8bit social justice badges. They're being sold for the first time at GeekGirlCon, though they will probably be snapped up fast!

CC-What made you decide to make these clever and cute Social Justice Dungeons and Dragons Class buttons? Are you a DnD nerd? (I am, I usually play a Ranger)

The idea came around while chatting with follow volunteers at PAX Dev while watching twitter. I can trace the idea back to a tweet made by @JimSterling, who said: "Basically, if the line is being drawn between two big cartoon character camps of SJWs and MRAs, then give me my Justice Sword I guess." The visual of Social Justice Warriors having Social Justice Swords pulled my mind directly to DnD. I immediately answered him, "This is one of my favorite tweets to come out of this mess. I want a justice sword. Oh! Can I be a Social Justice WIZARD?"  I suddenly wanted a way for people to identify themselves as their chosen class, and my first inclination is always to design and distribute buttons.

I'm DEFINITELY a DnD nerd. I tend to like playing a range of different characters! The last campaign I participated in was in 4th edition (I started playing while 3.5 was in full swing) and I played was Gnome Druid called Badger. He fulfilled my favorite thing about DnD - being able to tell different kinds of stories and being able to embody and explore different sorts of characters who aren't like me.

CC-The term "social justice warrior" is one often used to dismiss people who critique culture, especially around things like racism, sexism, and transmisogyny. It's being reclaimed in defiance by some who think that fighting for social justice is a good thing, not a shameful one. Have you been called a "social justice warrior", and if so, for what?

Oh yes! I have a somewhat complicated relationship with Reddit, and every once in a while I find I can't resist engaging with misogynists in comment threads. It's a bad habit. I have absolutely been called a Social Justice Warrior by a fellow Redditor before!
The term Social Justice Warrior tends to be wielded as an insult, much like some try to use the term "feminist." (As if that would be insulting!) And believe me, at one point I was also pulled into the idea that being a SJW was a negative thing - like the implication was that an SJW was someone so full of anger, and takes to this struggle by slinging as much hate and vitriol as opponents of social justice. I strive to be reasonable in all that I do and all the decisions I make, so with that sort of definition stuck in my head I wasn't comfortable labeling myself as a Social Justice Warrior.
It wasn't until seeing the most recent controversies - particularly within gaming spheres - and seeing this disturbing polarization within games enthusiasts, that I became more comfortable with it. I sort of realized my definition of a Social Justice Warrior could be expanded to include me. And, much like Jim's tweet I mentioned earlier - if I MUST choose a side, of COURSE my ideals align most with Social Justice Warriors.
The idea behind these buttons, though - and this is important, I feel - is that these buttons are actually pretty neutral as a statement. This is a playful poke at the term Social Justice Warrior, without being any sort of pot shot to other sides. It allows people to display their alignment (as someone who fights for social justice) with a playful and nerdy tone.

CC-How do you think social justice conversations are going within geek spaces? It sounds like you do a lot of conventions, so curious what your insight is!
I'm actually finding myself being frustrated a lot by whats been going on! There is a ton of misinformation being spread, with both sides seemingly truly convinced that they're both fighting for social justice.
Most of what I see with the latest controversies is on Twitter. As soon as you cross over to online spaces, it feels like there is this huge pushback against people striving to make the games industry more diverse and representative of minorities. But when it comes to conventions, like PAX? Well, I consider PAX my "home" show, so I'm most comfortable talking about it.
From what I have observed, PAX is in full support of diversity and social justice. They very intentionally build programming that puts the focus on social issues like minority representation and women in games, and have also implemented things like a no-boothbabe policy. They have had a good amount of success so far with the Diversity Lounge. The overall tone tends to be one of acceptance, and of intolerance for harassment. As volunteers, we always fear an incident happening in one of our social issues panels, or in a panel that features a potentially controversial figure, so we over-prepare. But thus far the attendees of PAX seem to be more interested in striving to be more diverse than to fight against it.
So, from my own observations - when it comes to in-person communities, I think the discussion is going very well! It just doesn't seem that way sometimes from the lens of the internet.
CC-I think it's awesome that you're donating proceeds to a nonprofit! Why did you choose Planned Parenthood as the beneficiary? 

So, when I decided I wanted to make and distribute these buttons, I knew this could be an opportunity to do something cool with it. After a lot of pondering, I decided the best candidates would be Planned Parenthood, the Trevor Project, or Amnesty International. I even discussed this publicly on twitter.
The reason Planned Parenthood took the lead is for admittedly selfish reasons: Planned Parenthood came through for me during a pretty rough point in my life - I wanted a chance to give back to them.
CC-I saw that some Druids and Barbarians felt left out!  Do you plan on expanding the list of available classes in the future? 
Actually, yes! I decided to pare this down to 6 designs at first because I have no idea these would get this kind of response. Now, I'm definitely working on an expansion pack! I'll make four more, I think, to bring the total number to 10.
In fact, I have a poll up about what classes people most want to see, here! Paladins are very much in the lead. :) When they will come out is to be determined, though!

CC-Finally... which class do you identify with and why?

I... choose Wizard! Mostly because I'm a Hufflepuff.

We'll let you know when these rad buttons are available online, so watch this space! 

Categories: geekery, interview, politics, pop culture


So, polyamory, I guess I don't hate you after all.

I've not always felt particularly positively about polyamory. In fact, I've been reasonably suspicious of it at times, been horrifically burned by it multiple times, yet I've always pushed myself to understand why I was struggling so much. I always thought that as I was continually having issues, that it must be a fuckup of mine, perhaps an issue with commitment, perhaps jealousy because of codependency, maybe something else. I've questioned if I was, at heart, monogamous, or if I craved novelty and was being an asshole, or if I was a cheater.

And yet, Sunday afternoon, with the apartment empty, I just sat for a while and thought hard about where I'm at. My primary is happily hooking up with incredibly cute guys from Grindr. My sweetie has three other lovers, and yet always seems to make time for me so I never feel like I'm being ignored or on the back burner. And my girlfriend, also dating multiple cuties, similarly has time for me for snuggling, building beds, and chatting about our work. I feel calm and loved when I'm alone, rather than anxious and worried. I'm finding myself enjoying having time to read, rather than obsessively checking social media.

I couldn't figure out what it was, exactly, that was feeling so right this time when it always felt a bit in my gut like it was so very hard. And I realized... I trust them. I trust all three lovers completely. I trust their communication skills, to let me know when they need some time or when they're having feels. I trust their time management, to not play poly Pokemon, trying to "catch 'em all" with the local community. And I trust that they care about me, each in their own way, with their hearts as open as they can be. I feel safe being vulnerable with them.

It's amazing, sure, but it's also scary. I'm a person who's used to keeping my guard up at all times. I'm accustomed to being afraid that my love wasn't good enough. I'm not afraid of that, not with them. I believe that we'll be together as long as we enjoy it, and no longer, and that feels really good. I'm having my needs met so easily that it seems unreal. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact the other shoe isn't going to drop- that I know these people, I know their highs and their lows, and I don't need them to change drastically to please me.

"Love" is a scary word. I'm used to people withdrawing when I say it, no matter how much I explain that it's my feeling and I don't need it to be reciprocated to feel happy. I love the feeling of being in love, the fluttery heart, the silly smiles when you see them, the satisfaction of curling into a cuddle. As long as I'm being respected, I don't mind holding that space on my own, because it rejuvenates me.  I appreciate how well my lovers listen and hold space, how they confess things to me in exchange. There's a shared intimacy and trust.

God I sound like an annoying Pollyanna. It's not perfect, of course. Do I get the occasional wobble? Absolutely, of course I do. Hell I spent two months sitting on my feelings for one of my lovers, terrified that confessing said feelings would cause them to jump ship. My partner sometimes gets scared that I'll leave him behind. I worry that I'm dominating too much of one person's time, or making too little time for another. It's a balancing act.

I don't know if I'm entirely ready to sign up for the polyamory newsletter (I'm still pretty suspicious of "the community"), but I'm not as wary of it as I once was. I feel like I'm finally just able to love multiple people and have that be a source of comfort and joy, rather than misery and endless processing. Maybe it's because I no longer feel like I have to push myself into feeling ok with things that hurt my heart. Maybe it's because my lovers are older and have more of their shit together. Maybe it's because I'm older and have more of my own shit together. Maybe it's just a function of having the right people, at the right time. Or maybe wearing this heart on my sleeve, and allowing myself to be vulnerable, has also opened me up to being loved.

But I feel like I'm actually in a place, at last, to have without holding.

Categories: dating, love, nonmonogamy, personal, reflection, sweeties


How Not To Throw an Orgy: A 5 Point Guide

I thoroughly enjoy going to group sex events, and have ever since I was an 18 year old baby queer. I started with kink community events in a private dungeon in Boston, then costumed house parties that tended to involve pervy poly folks of various persuasions. Many of my first experiences were in these spaces, exploring my desires in cuddle puddles of fellow queer geeks. It was the first place I felt at home.

When I moved to San Francisco, throwing a sex party came to me as a method to meet the sorts of people I figured I'd get along with. To a certain extent, it worked- I had a decent idea of what sort of themes to work with that were fun without being overwhelming, and what sort of crowd I wanted at my events. I learned a lot about communicating boundaries, what percentage of dental dams to gloves to condoms I should have, and which lubes were the most popular. I discovered that throwing a kinky event where Goth/Industrial/Enya were all banned would be a gamechanger.

But I struggled with actually fucking at these parties. I was good at throwing them, as long as I didn't try to get involved in any way. Later I would try to throw private orgies and end up playing Jenga and singing along to Disney musicals... a fun night, but certainly not the debauchery I had been hoping for! Just this last weekend, even, I ended up with a non-orgy on my hands, even with a small group of people who were pretty up for it.

All of this led me to some  conclusions on how NOT to throw an orgy. So here's 5 points of BAD ADVICE. You have been warned- if you do these things, you will very likely end up with no orgy, and maybe puking people instead. Don't do these things.

1. Put a lot of emphasis on it being an orgy, repeatedly.

I swear that every time I try to throw a small orgy, I fail, and it's because in my desire to communicate with people I end up hammering home that I'm hoping for an orgy until I psych myself and everyone around me out on the whole concept. Too much pressure, and people won't feel comfortable, which is contrary to successful orgy-having. I've joked for a while that the successful thing to do is to throw a board game night, and just let it devolve, because if you try to throw an orgy it'll become a board game night. Unfortunately, I have found this to be accurate.

2. Just invite all your friends.

It seems like a great idea- they're all your friends, so they'll get along, probably, right? Well, in theory, yes, but it also means that it's pretty likely they've already had some cross-pollination. That may've been friendly, and it may've been... less so. That person you've been flirting with may've had a shitty interaction with someone you're dating over someone they BOTH dated so unless you keep detailed maps of your friends relationships, tread with caution. Save yourself the trouble of needing to have one on one friendship therapy with everyone at your party, and make sure everyone is either neutral or good about everyone else. A clear guest list helps with that, and allows people to decide if they want to consent to be there or not in the privacy of their home.

Not only that, but talk to your lovers, and think about who you're going to spend time with, and when. Do they all get along? Do you want them watching you fucking someone else? Do you have limits for the party? Will feelings be hurt?

3. Don't plan anything else to do, except stripping off and fucking.

Inviting a bunch of people over who seem DTF would suggest that you don't really need to think about entertaining them. People can get shy, though, and without some sort of ice breaker, they may feel pushed into stuff they don't want to do, or aren't ready for. There's nothing like having some sexual tension mixed with a lack of conversation starters to cause people to overindulge in snacking and drinking- two things that will also stand in your way of having a fun orgy, because full and/or sick stomachs aren't conducive to sexytimes!

4. Make heavy, creamy foods your primary snacking possibility.

I'm working on a menu for a 70s themed party for my birthday, and a lot of the classic foods are pretty creamy, cheesy, or ridiculously sweet. While a meat and cheese plate isn't a terrible idea, I find that fresh fruit and veg tends to be popular, as well as savory finger foods. Big bowls of chips or Chex Mix can be a bad idea (do *you* know where everyone's hands have been?) but individual servings works well. I recommend having some mouthwash and mini cups in your bathroom, just in case people want to freshen their breath.

5. Mix strong cocktails with hard liquor, preferably more than one type.

So according to the very 70s Action Cook Book, the host of a cocktail party was supposed to allow for the consumption of half a bottle of liquor per person for the first 2 hours, and three quarters of a bottle per person for every subsequent 2 hours. So, during say a 6 hour extended party, theoretically the guests would consume 2.5 bottles of liquor each.

This is a terrible idea.

I mixed up two vintage cocktails for the party this last weekend, and each one had at least 5oz of alcohol per serving. I had 4 drinks that night, and it was when I was throwing up profusely, not at all having an orgy, that I realized a standard drink in the US has about 1.5oz of booze in it. No wonder I was so sick! I'm the future, I'll probably stick to serving beer and wine, and keep an eye on everyone that they don't drink overmuch. Not just for consent reasons, though those are also very sensible reasons, but also because nothing ruins a potential orgy like vomiting.

I hope this is useful for someone wanting to throw an orgy by giving you a few of the pitfalls. If people like this enough, and I get enough traffic, perhaps I'll write a guide of what you *should* do instead!

Categories: advice, ah youth, best of, communication, fake it til you make it, mistakes were made, nonmonogamy, parties


Pink Ladies and Cosmos: Cocktails and Misogyny

I'm preparing for a cocktail party slash games night slash possible orgy, as you do, thumbing through cocktail recipes and appetizers to find things that don't sound incredibly awful to actually put in your mouth.

Why am I having this struggle? Well of course, I can't just have a party. No, I have to have a 70s themed party, complete with lobster pate from a can, melba toast, smoked cheese and chex mix. I've worked hard to have vegan and gluten free options, things that the 70s, era of fondue, is not really known for- hence why I'm throwing a smaller shindig in advance preparation for my birthday party (yes, it's in January, shhh, I want to get these recipes right!) Tomorrow's guests have the dubious honour of being my test subjects.

Going through Fanny Hill's Cookbook has steeled me somewhat for the misogyny of the era, though it's also made me aware how completely perverse having a queer key party is. Yet one of the things that keeps striking me is how gendered the cocktails are. "Girly" or "manly", they're declared as appropriate or not for a given person to order according to a binary, stereotypical idea of behaviour and desire. A Cosmopolitan recipe demands that men "turn in their balls" if they order such a drink, yet a Sidecar is considered manly prep for building shit in the backyard (safety third, kids!) A Manhattan, despite having a piece of fruit in it, is still deemed acceptably masculine.

Figuring out the flavour profile of a "girly" cocktail proved difficult too. I figured that creamy, sweet cocktails would be feminine, but the White Russian apparently falls on the "manly" side of the bar. Maybe fruity drinks? Yet while a Pina Colada is weighed in as girly, a Tequila Sunrise is seen as firmly masculine. Thumbing through my Fanny Hill's Cookbook, probably the most misogynist books I have ever read (literally, a line from a recipe: "Scrape meat from her loving carcass with your blade, always working towards her plump white breasts"), I found a lot of cocktails that were incredibly sweet, creamy, floral, all sorts of things I would've assumed made them feminine.

I became quite confused.

What inspired me to write on this was looking up the story behind the Pink Lady, a cocktail that was born before Prohibition and became wildly popular (in part because the grenadine helped hide the flavour of bootleg gin). People of all genders enjoyed the lightly fruity, slightly creamy cocktail... until the 30s, when Esquire suggested it suited the tastes of ladies. Suddenly, male cocktail critics shunned the Pink Lady, deeming the colour and the stemware enough of a reason to avoid.

Now, bartenders hear "not something too girly" and know it means no pink, no stemware, and probably heavy on the liquor flavour. It's disappointing, of course, as there's loads of good cocktails that fail those criteria, but if anxious men want to miss out on them, of well. I mean, I challenge any such guy to drink some Cynar and tell me it wouldn't benefit from a lot of mixers, but ultimately if they'd rather stick to Old Fashioneds, whatever.

But why are we so afraid of the feminine in everything, even the booze we consume? What's wrong with femininity?  Am I really supposed to hate my own femmeness even when I go to the bar? Gee, I'm so sorry, let me just order whiskey, straight. Why do we ridicule people who buy cocktails we deem girly as not being... I don't know, serious enough drinkers?

It's nothing new, just another area of our daily consciousness where anything considered "liked by women" is treated like its slug slime and anything that might be "liked by manly men" is treated like a godsend. All of our advertising focuses on how women are just never quite good enough, while men just need to augment their already awesome selves. Women are admired and rewarded for doing "masculine" things, as long as it doesn't come with any real power or influence. All of this of course based on arbitrary decisions on what "men" do and what "women" do. Never mind anyone who doesn't toe the line, of course, of binaries. Femmes who strap on cocks and fix cars and manicure their nails and do their lovers makeup just ruin the whole fucking thing.

Meanwhile, I'll be whipping up Pink Ladies and Sidecars and Muff Divers and 19th Holes for my guests tomorrow, a sexy assortment of queers and deviants, dressed like a proper 70s housewife, eating multicoloured Jello and playing Dirty Words. Exploring the 70s is a weird, strange realm... though, I'm finding, sadly not as far from where we are now as maybe we'd all like. Think about that next time you sidle up to the bar.

Categories: feminism, femme, musing, parties, personal, power struggles


Interviewed on #MyNameIs for Full Disclosure Podcast!

So I was asked a few days ago to speak on Full Disclosure Podcast about the #MyNameIs controversy that's got everyone moving to Ello/GooglePlus/whatever. A really good writeup by Dottie Lux is here- my profile has been reinstated, at least for now, while my girlfriend is still banned. She's lost not only a social network, but close to 7 years of photos documenting her transition. It's fucking horrible.

Anyway. Here's the podcast interview, I hope you enjoy it. Note that there is also discussion of child pornography in the first half, relating to photographer Wyatt Neumann who had his social media accounts shut down when nude photos of his 2 year old daughter were deemed child pornography. As this may be triggering to some folks, I wanted to give you a head's up.

I can't get it to embed, so here you go!

Categories: fuck you facebook, media


NymWars: Facebook's "Real Names" Hardon

Notably, when I wrote this, I was booted. Because I know the occasional person in FB's walled garden, I occasionally wriggle free from it, as I did yesterday, when FB apologized and said it was "an error". It wasn't- it's happened before, and it'll likely happen again. My girlfriend is still banned, because she lacks that access. This is incredibly messed up, and I hope that the meeting that is going on right now between performers and Facebook acknowledges those left behind at the negotiation tables, those for whom a different name isn't just about a brand, but avoiding your abuser, or preventing men from stalking you at your home.

It was two and a half years ago that I presented at South By Southwest on sex workers and social media, particularly on the dangers of “real name policies”. Sex workers are using social media, not only to talk to fans, but to talk to each other, to create community while still maintaining a level of personal privacy that feels good for them. I argued that demanding people use their legal names (erroneously called their “real” name) can make social media an incredibly unsafe place, with more abuse rather than less. I talked about some of the cons to social media, like the overzealous censorship of nudity while ignoring violent gore, or how bullying and harassment goes ignored.

It was a generally well-received presentation, and I noticed that times did change. Google Plus, who was the main offender, changed their policies first to allow nicknames, and then finally in July of this year, doing away with “real name” policies altogether. I figured the NymWars were over with that.

Welp, I guess Facebook didn’t learn anything from Google’s lessons, because they started demanding people prove they were using a legal name on their service. It started with some of the porn performers I knew, spreading slowly to burlesquers and finally to drag queens. That’s when shit really hit the fan. Sister Roma and Heklina planned a protest at Facebook headquarters. So, in solidarity with the many drag queens who were being pushed to provide a government ID with their legal name on it, I joined up too. I’ve watched so many of my performer friends leave Facebook and end up feeling really out of the loop and isolated, and I wanted to speak up about it.

Well, I had my Facebook account put into lockdown until I, too, gave them a “government issued ID, bank statement, medical record” or similar. My girlfriend, also planning on joining the protest, had her account shut down as well within hours of mine. I began to see a trend in who was getting pressured by this policy… everyone who had shared or RSVPed to the Facebook protest. I refused to send them my legal ID, so in response I sent them a photo of a piece of mail, and my business cards with my photo on them. I have yet to find out what will happen to my account, if Facebook will back down (much like Google has) or if I will have to stop using their service.

This is a particularly sensitive topic for me, of course. My legal name (or an approximation of it) was published online once, by an angry group of white straight men called Porn Wikileaks. Doxxing was used to find my grandmother’s address, and my parents’ phone number, which were also published alongside private photos and the words “pornographic whore and hooker”. I had to explain the situation to my parents, who then proceeded to be wary of screening abusive phone calls from entitled men wanting to get to me. Thankfully my family took the whole thing well and were very supportive, but I know other porn performers were not so lucky.

But what do you do when it’s not some assholes on a forum doxxing you, but a social media company you may need to access for work?

It especially seems like a bad time to be insisting marginalized people give up their legal names. In the wake of GamerGate, where doxxing women who write about games has been a method used to intimidate and harass them and their supporters, it seems that pushing such a policy is particularly poorly judged. Anita Sarkeesian was forced to leave her home after specific death threats were made against her and her family. Laurie Penny dealt with a bomb threat. Jenn Frank, Leigh Alexander, and Mattie Brice all quit writing about games because of the overwhelming harassment they faced. Many trans women were outed by their dead names on places like 4Chan. To champion a legal name policy at a time where clearly having a legal name on the internet is unsafe for many people is shortsighted at best, willfully ignorant at worst.

Facebook’s only response as of now is that a formal DBA (“doing business as”) can be used in lieu of using your legal name. The problem with this, of course, is that requiring a DBA mens that your legal name, your performer name, and your address is all on record. For many performers, that just doesn’t feel safe, especially when data breaches are commonplace in the news. It also seems ridiculous that while you can post a nickname onto your profile, it will merely display alongside your legal name. Facebook has drawn a line in the sand- you are not allowed to keep your legal name to yourself and use their site.

The media has for the most part focused on drag queens who are being told to change their names, and Facebook has reached out to them to discuss a solution. The problem is that while drag queens may have gotten attention to this issue, it affects many other people who are not being invited to the table by Facebook. Trans people, activists, sex workers, survivors of violence- these are people for whom using their legal name may feel (and be) actively dangerous. Using a pseudonym allows us to differentiate our private lives and our consumable lives, in a culture where employers snoop around our social media and penalize us for being adults in our personal time. As a sex worker, I have definitely found it harder to find work outside of the sex industry when my legal name was attached to 10 years of erotic performance and smut writing. I have different names for a reason… and it’s for my safety.

There’s a lot of reasons why people don’t want to share their legal names. Even the California government considers a common use name to be your official name for most purposes. Facebook needs to catch up- we all have the right to a secret identity.

Categories: abuse, activism, angry, capitalism, censorship, community, fuck you facebook, queer, stigma


Review: Excite Butler Boxer Briefs from Lovehoney

Finding sexy underwear for men can be a bit of a hassle. A lot of the options out there are either over-the-top (which I like, but maybe not every day) or so hopelessly sad they look like novelties from the 70s.

Lovehoney heard my prayers and sent me a pair of the Butler Boxer Briefs from Excite. These were much more my cup of tea for my gaze- tidy, cute, themed, not ridiculous. The material is stretchy (good, cause they're one size fits most) and my partner says they're comfortable, if a bit big. With a 34" hip, he felt like they rode kind of high on his body.

My pair showed up with a button missing- I didn't mind, personally, but if that happens to you Lovehoney has a no questions asked guarantee on their products for 100 days after purchase. You can pretty much experiment with stuff you find at Lovehoney, because it's risk free- if you don't like it, send it back. I don't know another company who does that!

As someone who has a particular kink for service, these were super cute. They're machine washable,  soft to the touch, and butt hugging in a particularly nice way. I'd definitely recommend these, though I think they'd best fit someone size 35-26. For $23, you want them to fit nicely! I think if you were a size up from my partner, these would cling to your junk in a very appealing way. They'd also look really good for a person wearing a packer...

Thank you Lovehoney for sending me a pair in exchange for an honest and fair review! Buy your own set here!

Categories: Uncategorized


Review: Wanda by Liberator

I love Liberator's sex furniture, and I find it really amazing for opening up possibilities in terms of positions during sexy play. I've loved the wedge and the ramp (which have found their way to multiple sex parties at this point!), I've loved my little Jaz cushion, and I cannot survive without my Liberator Throe! The cushioning is always so firm, surprisingly so when it holds up under the weight of two people, and being able to add restraint points has made them even more fun.

I'm also deeply in love with my Hitachi. It's a passionate love, and while I've tried other things, nothing compares to it. Nothing. Still, I do hurt my wrists pressing the Wand against my clit for a long period of time, so of course I wanted to check out the Liberator Wanda, a cushion that allows you to grind your clit against a wand vibrator. Yum.

The cushion is very good quality, the firm foam I've come to expect from Liberator and a washable cover in case you get it fluid-covered. The shape was really good too, and jutted the Hitachi out in just the right direction. Taking photos with it was uncomfortable, as I had to sit back on my heels more, but actually using it felt amazing.

You can either ride it, like I'm doing here, or grind against it in the other direction so that the Hitachi is against your clit while a lover eats your ass or fucks you from behind or maybe paddles you with a giant wooden paddle (if that's your thing). I personally didn't find it hard to work around my tummy or my thighs, but other people might. I will say that being on my knees was hard on them after 15 minutes or so, so do keep that in mind.

I feel like this would be really fun to use in front of a lover to put on a bit of a masturbation show. You can really grind against the toy! I felt the cushion held up to being sat on and staying firm and stabilizing. I kinda can't wait to give it a go with a lover, if I'm honest- if it's fun for masturbating I imagine it'll be even better when it's double the fun!

The Wanda's effectiveness will depend on how specific you are about genital stimulation. If you tend to need a certain angle, or a certain pressure, it may be too difficult to maintain while also kneeling upright.  Check out their Position Guide for more ideas!

Thank you so much Liberator for sending me this in exchange for an honest review! Buy your own here!

Categories: fat is fit, toys, vibrator