First, a little bit about me. I'm an American who has lived on one coast or the other, who has spent extended time in Poland and in London. I've been familiar with fatphobia my whole life, as my mother is fat, my grandmother is fat, and I became fat during my teenage years due to a combination of medication and genetics. I'm larger than the "average" size, which as of 2013 was about a size 14. I'm a size 24 US, size 22 UK. I eat about 1800 calories a day, snack on nuts and rice cakes, have a green smoothie a day, work out twice a week, and am reasonably active. I have mostly cut dairy out of my diet, never eat beef, and am about 50% gluten free.

I get at least 20-30 comments a week on average telling me that my fatness means I must be inactive, eat poorly, and am unhealthy. When someone wants to insult me, the first thing they turn to is my weight. The contents of my grocery basket is analyzed by people I don't know when I go to the store and I regularly receive diet advice I haven't asked for. I have had my ass grabbed, my stomach touched, and my arms pinched by strangers commenting on my weight.

And it's not just civilians - when I go to my GP, they often tell me that while my heart is healthy, my cholesterol is perfect, and my risk for diabetes is low, any health complaint I have is due solely to being fat. I have never gotten treatment for severe back pain or my knee ligament injury. I've had people working at clothing stores ridicule my body. I've had police officers taunt me when trying to make a report as a victim of a crime. I've been threatened with rape, assault, and murder *for being fat*.

This is why when I saw this piece by Carolyn Hall on Thought Catalog (and worse, the comments when someone posted it) I knew I had to explain why the Fat Acceptance Movement is a thing that exists, and why it's important. I mean, stories like Lindsey Averill's about the phone calls and death threats she received for doing a fat documentary should be more than enough proof, but just in case you're still dubious.

1. America manages to champion terrible food while also hating fat people
It's impossible to talk about obesity without also talking about poverty. Anyone who has lived in poverty can tell you that when shopping for a limited budget, it's cheap, nutritious, and quick - pick two. America loves processed food - it makes up 70% of our diet, more than pretty much any other country in the world. If you want proof of how shitty processed food is for health? Compare Britain during rationing with Britain after it. Many foods and drinks contain high fructose corn syrup, a cheaper alternative to other sweeteners. We are obsessed with weight, yet our cultural eating habits encourage eating junk, and often. Schools don't want to provide healthy food options, because they're expensive and take more time to prepare than frozen pizza. We have food deserts all over the place, where the closest thing to a local grocery store is a 7-11 (and yes, that's more processed food and sodas).

Yet we also have extreme body dysmorphia. We hate anorexic models, but consider women with dress sizes *below the national average* to be "plus size". We eroticize extreme skinniness. We accept fatphobia as "deserved". Fat people don't get employed because of stigma and beliefs that fat people are stupid, lazy or dirty. Fat women are told we're animals (pigs, cows, heifers), while fat men are insulted for having "feminine" bodies. This is a real health campaign. We aren't even allowed to have faces when articles are written about us, dehumanizing us entirely. How can you look at that and say America is extremely accepting of fat?

Even more interesting, healthy food isn't the only contributor to fatness, yet it's the one we focus most on.

2. The medical industry regularly risks fat people's health by refusing to take health issues seriously
Many fat people refuse to go to medical professionals because their doctors answer every medical concern with "lose weight". We are often not asked about our eating habits or how active we are, but are told that everything we suffer is due to our lack of self-discipline. Our doctors humiliate us, insult us, exhibit disgust. We run incredible risks when our GPs don't listen to our complaints: cancer goes ignored, ligament issues worsen and give us early arthritis, we're told to stick to diets that almost kill us.

We still use BMI as a yardstick for health, and penalize people who are deemed unhealthy by it, even when that's clearly wrong. We ignore the fact that the mathematician who invented the BMI formula (in the late 19th century, mind, when we were still eating lead) said that using it to measure fatness was a stupid idea. Somehow society calls this "looking after our health", despite proof to the contrary.

3. Despite the fact there's more women over size 12 than not, clothing retailers refuse to cater to plus sizes

When I lived in London, I could find clothes that fit my body in a good number of high street shops. Not all, certainly, but many. I didn't feel too limited in my options, and I could buy tights, trendy clothes, and lingerie that looked cute as well as fitting me comfortably (and without spending a lot of money). It was the first time I didn't have to choose between dressing like a Goth and dressing like a 40 year old soccer mom.

Imagine my surprise when I came back to the US only to find companies like H&M, who served me so well in the UK, didn't carry clothes in my size in the US. Lots of clothing companies have been getting shit for fatphobia, from Abercrombie and Fitch to American Apparel to Lululemon. It doesn't matter that we're a, well, huge market - companies see making clothes for fat people as "bad for (their) image". It's apparently worse to have fat people wearing your clothes than it is to get bad PR for shaming fat people. It's pretty clear that "fat" is also seen as related to class as well as race. Many of these companies are pretty invested in a slender, middle class, white average consumer... despite the fact that niche markets are expanding over in the UK, and size 16 mannequins are being introduced. This is another example of how the US is actively hostile towards fat people. 

4.  Fat people are considered fair game for humiliation...including by professionals

As a fat person you're insulted pretty regularly. This image with the cop is just one example. There's the tanning salon who refused fat people service. There's the pedicurist who refused a fat woman service. Some restaurants are considering refusing service to fat people. Teachers shame fat kids.

Airlines are particularly savage, however, even as they try to cram more people onto a flight. I've been terrified of being singled out in front of the rest of the plane and told I have to buy another seat (something apparently they don't do in Canada, where a doctor's note can get you a second seat shame free.) Good luck with that note, though, considering doctors might refuse you for being fat, too.

5. The belief that "personal preference" exists above and beyond cultural norms is ignorant
First, let me show you these graphs which suggest what the average BMIs are around the world. Then let's add in that in some cultures being fat is seen as attractive. And let's add in how beauty is often defined by wealthy white standards, creating unrealistic expectations for, well, everyone else. Finally, how about the fact that as we culturally began to freak out about fat... we got fatter? How did that work? Anyway, it seems pretty clear that "personal preference" is related more to cultural norms than to some biological urge. And this manifests in how we date, how we're received, and how people treat our partners. It even manifests in our attraction to other fat people. This is a cultural construct. And it's not even a consistent one here- look at these exotic dancers!

There's a reason why my article on having fat sex is the most popular one on my blog. Fat people are treated as fetish objects (there's a whole adult market around us) and yet we're told we're completely undesirable. I mean FFS the woman who was asked to cast/perform in "The Guide to Wicked Sex: Plus Size" has said multiple times about how there are "good" fat bodies and "bad" fat bodies. It's a fucking land mine, and no, it's not so easily blown off as "personal preference".

 

***

In short? Fatphobia is real, and fat acceptance/HAES is seriously needed. I guess you're pretty lucky, Carolyn Hall, to not have experienced the myriad acts of institutionalized oppression placed on fat bodies, so that you can just "not get it". I at least hope you try to learn a little bit from people whose lives are affected by this every day.

Photos to illustrate that it's perfectly possible to be fat, fabulous, and fierce. Fuck anyone who tells you differently.

I wasn't really brought up with makeup. I mean, I liked it, in theory, but other than multiple flavours of Lip Smackers, I never really played with makeup growing up. This, plus hanging out mostly with guys, plus being Goth, meant that when I finally DID start playing with eyeshadow and lipstick, it was pretty much black, black, black. There was a lot of 101 type makeup info that I never really got, and there wasn't makeup around the house for me to experiment with.

This all led to me realizing that I'm 30, and I've barely tweezed my brows. I know how to put on clown makeup, or burlesque glitter, but everyday looks? Nope. I would go into Sephora and be completely distracted by all shiny and bright eyeshadows, never getting blushes, bronzers or concealers. My collection therefore was incredibly unbalanced, and I never really learned anything new. There's so many tutorials, I tended to get lost and confused and give up really easily.

So I've set myself the challenge to learn how to put makeup on my face like an adult instead of like a 5 year old drag queen. As I know I'm not alone in this struggle, I've included tutorials I've come across that make me widen my eyes and take notes. Hopefully this helps more femmes out there! <3

-how (and why) to use primer

-hiding dark under eye circles

-applying concealer

-brows. everything about them.

-blush

-how to do winged eyeliner with a spoon!

-eyeshadow for beginners

-blending your eyeshadow

-mascara tips 

-lippy lips lips (also these are just awesome)

-suggested drug store must haves here, here and here

-and, why not, some info on contouring

Once you get the basics down, you can start to expand that repertoire into my favourite types of looks- incredibly wild and out there! I'm excited to play around with tropical multicoloured eyes, smokey eyes in greens and blues, and retro looks.

Like anything, makeup is a learned art. You don't need to learn everything at once- get to master a bit at a time. Generally bold eyes or bold lips is best, so maybe start with the one you like most (I'd always go eyes, personally, because so many more colours) and then develop more skills from there. Like any art, I've learned that part of it is learning technique, and part is experimenting/personal expression! This is the summer I will learn how to femme, and I'll be posting #femmefriday highlights of indie makeup companies, mostly ones that are also vegan. Get ready to play!

What spring/summer looks are you particularly interested in exploring?

I wrote earlier on issues around payment processors and the sex industry, how businesses like Paypal, WePay and Google Wallet were shutting anyone they suspected of sex work out of using their services.

Well, turns out that a trickle down effect is happening within the banking world, as Chase recently sent letters out to hundreds of porn performers telling them their bank accounts would be shut down May 11th. Perez Hilton posted a photo of one of these letters from Teagan Presley, and while I am somewhat loath to link to his blog, I think it’s important to read the language. You’ll notice that Chase never specifically cites adult work in their decision, just that they “reviewed the account and determined that we will be closing it on May 11, 2014. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience.”

I’m sure they’re terribly sorry. Just as they were really apologetic for refusing to process payments for Tiffany Gaines. Her crime? Selling condoms, because they’re “adult-oriented material”. The same adult oriented material, of course, as Trojan, who could process their payments with no issues through Chase, but never mind. As long as they’re really sorry about it.

Tiffany writes in her piece for XOJane:

“My Chase representative responded with empathy, explaining that she understood the irrationality of the rejection. Though she was “fully supportive of my company’s mission,” Chase Bank considered my company’s product a reputational risk…

...Days later, in response to the bad press, the CMO of Chase Paymentech called me to apologize for the “misunderstanding.” She agreed to process my company’s payments but would not agree to officially remove condoms from the “prohibited adult” category. I felt as if she was attempting to pacify me but was not taking the issue-at-large seriously.

The majority of comments on our petition have pointed out that Chase’s ability to pass judgment calls on what we can buy and sell is a breach of everyone’s rights, and it’s an especially sensitive issue when they violate our access to sexual health products.”

Of course, it’s not just Chase. Performer Chanel Preston found her account through City National Bank was shut down suddenly one day, the bank citing only “compliance issues”. The  founder of soft porn studio MRG Entertainment, Marc Greenberg, filed a lawsuit against J.P. Morgan after they refused to let him refinance a loan because of his job. "JPMorgan purports to be so ashamed of nudity and human sexuality that it cannot process a refinance of a home loan of plaintiff, secured by plaintiff's house, because plaintiff's source of income six years ago included production of television programs that contained nudity and human sexuality," the suit reads, and is as of now unresolved. Teagan Presley tried to open an account with Bank of America, only to be turned down there as well. In all these cases, it didn’t matter that the checks didn’t bounce, or that they money paid out was for things unrelated to the adult industry - home loans, childcare, groceries, rent. It only mattered that the money was considered “immoral”... even if legally earned.

This speaks to a concerning trend where banks are empowered to grant access to funds, to credit, to loans, based on their political values. As financial institutions are the realm of the privileged and the conservative, this doesn’t bode well for sex workers past and current, for immigrants, for people of colour, for trans people. I mean, I’ve long decided that I should just keep my money in a lockbox under my bed for just this reason… because it’s safer there than it is in the bank, or in a Paypal account. But having a bank account in which to deposit checks is often pretty important when working, or trying to save for college, or a car, or a home. A debit card is necessary for participating in online commerce, which can save much-needed money. Not having a bank account is often not an option for people… yet apparently if you’ve worked in porn, you may need to learn how to go without.

Perez actually says something that makes sense:

“Just because you don't agree with a career choice, doesn't mean the workers don't have the same rights as everyone else. After all, their careers are completely LEGAL! Plus, let's all be honest…whoever decided to cancel the accounts probably totally WATCHES porn!”

As we learn time and time again, it’s one thing to perform in porn, it’s another thing to consume it, legal or not. With each financial institution and payment method slamming their doors on sex workers, Bitcoin looks better and better. If our money is no good, I think we should take it with us into credit unions, turn it into Bitcoin or, even better, land. Then let’s see what happens, shall we? With AVN adding around 125 new porn performers into their database every month, I imagine at some point our money will start to add up. Occupy Wall Street may have, pardon the pun, a second coming after all.

As a femme who has a bit of a Thing for makeup, I've decided I want to start doing little minireviews of various indie makeup/nail polishes I've picked up so the rest of you can check them out. On Fridays, keep an eye on this blog for a new review of something I've picked up, along with a couple of photos showing it off in practice.

Today, to start off with, I wanted to show off this new nail polish I have- Minty Madness, by Polish Me Silly. This is a pretty colour that goes from a white to a mint green, depending on the temperature (long nails would likely highlight this variation best).  Also in the polish are neon glitter pieces, ranging in size from teeny-tiny to decently sized hexagons.

I personally really liked this polish with a matte coat on top. While my nails stay mostly white due to the warmth of springtime, I do get to see the colours shift when I wash my hands or go into the freezer and it's pretty amazing. The mint green starts at the edge of the nail and travels down to the cuticle, making it look like sort of ombre without any extra work. As a lazy femme, this is to my benefit!

The mother/daughter duo behind Polish Me Silly do recommend that for colour changing nails you have slightly long nails, as nails that are short (like mine) may not really highlight the special effects. It does work on acrylic nails as well as natural ones, by the way.

I got a mini bottle (9ML) from their Etsy store which set me back $6.50. As you can see, it is a tiny bottle, but I think it's worthwhile for one that has that colour changing aspect to it! The ingredients that allow the polish to go through these changes have a 9 month shelf life, and the bottle shouldn't be left exposed to sunlight or it might wreck it.

I did have to use multiple coats (3 in all) to get this the opaqueness I was seeking. I think in the future I'd use a white flat colour underneath to bring out the colours of this one. Personally I'd probably use Spoiled by Wet & Wild's white colour, as it's got some good lasting power. I haven't had any chipping yet several days in.

All in all I'd totally recommend Minty Madness. I like the colour, with and without the colour change bit, and the neon goes with both colours really well. It's like a birthday cake on my nails!  I'll review a couple other polishes I bought from Polish Me Silly as well.

Edited to add: I've now been blocked from sending private messages. Facebook meanwhile has not responded to numerous complaints and reports.

Edited to add: this person is STILL being allowed to harass me via Facebook, while anything I have written about it has been flagged and I've been banned whether I name her or not. I am also not allowed to BLOCK her. Despite the fact this is against their TOS, they are actively enabling these attacks and preventing me from helping others not be stalked/abused, as seen below.

I also just received these email, proving that this is a targeted attack:

I need your help! Please send complaints, post on FB about this, tweet about it, write blogs. My profile is facebook.com/kittystryker.

I'm told sometimes that I'm "popular", especially in the Bay Area Queer Pornosphere. And I guess on some level it's true: people typically know who I am when I go out, though I've never been asked to sign anything randomly. I'm glad, actually, because I'm not sure I could handle that kind of thing. I'm already somewhat shy and anxious!

But there's more to being a nanoceleb or whatever than just people wanting to hug you and talk to you when you go to a bar. There's a darker side, where you get rape threats, death threats, harassment, and other unsavory and scary interactions... particularly if you're a woman. What's worse is that, if this harassment happens on Facebook (and I've written a bit about them before), they will in all likelihood ignore it and, if you speak out about it, they may very well ban you, instead. And here I thought not naming abusers was for Fetlife. This started a couple of weeks ago. I mean I guess it started with other people long before me, as photos were being reported in long streams that were perfectly acceptable according to the TOS. Considering these reports were sometimes friends only, and always centered around queer porn performers, we suspected that there might be someone who we had invited into our Facebook communities who was then harassing us. I got hit several times over a couple of weeks, including text posts:

This is from April 8th to now, to give you context.

So I began to cut down my friends lists to people I actually spent time with and knew, rather than anyone who sent a request. One of the people I culled was a local porn performer who goes by Bianca Khan or Brittany Bendz, as we had never met in meatspace. And that's where things got weird, the first time: I mean it's already weird when someone unfriends you to say things like "why do you all hate me" like this was a group decision, and then to question it. Anyway, I figured that was that and kept going about my business, not thinking too much about it. Until a bunch of my friends started also worrying about having their profiles removed for constant reports. You see, Facebook has sometimes restricted access to an account, or even removed them, because of reports... whether or not the reports are substantiated. And the posts that get reported are often completely random, so it's not like you can prevent it. UNLESS someone does the legwork and starts to trace who connects these people together. In this case, Bianca Khan was a mutual and shared friend between many of these folks, as were another couple of people. I formed a list and asked people to keep me informed around what got reported so I could narrow it down further. After posting that I had some ideas who the reporter might be (and as of this point having not blocked anyone yet), I then received this lovely exchange: I responded calmly and politely, but firmly, as I've learned to be with this kind of behaviour. I don't bully well, or intimidate well, so when someone tries to work me up I tend to fact check and stay logical. I shared it all with my partner, and he was as confused as I was, having never met her before. I think his response was "saying my moustache is ridiculous is the most insulting part!" After getting these weirdly abusive and threatening emails  from Bianca,  and knowing that she had been similarly abusive to others in my community, I posted about it on Facebook. I'm a big fan of being transparent, and addressing abuse by laying it out on the table for the community to decide. I rarely name names publicly, but when I do, it's because of repeated offenses and because the "accepted" course of action (reporting abusive behaviour to the Powers That Be) has failed to have any result. I had sent multiple emails to Facebook via their "report" feature and gotten no response from them, so I figured it was time to say something about it. I reviewed the TOS: I figured that if Bianca's behaviour (which included endless friend requests, messages, and then threats, reporting, and stalking off Facebook) didn't violate the TOS, this post wouldn't either. I got a ton of responses from people who had had similar interactions with her, thanking me for confirming their suspicions and saying how sorry they were that I was on the receiving end of such vitriol. I was banned for 3 days from posting on Facebook, because of "community standards". The same community standards that were completely ignored when I was being targeted and harassed get cited as a reason to remove me... while Bianca is left to continue the behaviour with no consequences from Facebook. Facebook has never been particularly good at dealing with abusive people. I know a friend of mine has been repeatedly targeted by the BNP, and she has been banned when she fights back, not them. I know Facebook has allowed many cases of bullying to continue untouched, leading to multiple student suicides. Their official recommended course of action is here, but when that course leads to no response, or worse, penalizing the victim? It's ineffective, and far too often counterproductive. I'm an adult, so all this does is irritate me and make me determined to call out the system that enables abuse, but this is also a major issue among teenagers using the site:

"Carbonella followed Facebook’s procedure for filing a report, clicking through the screens that allow you to complain to the site about content that you think violates a rule. He clicked the bubbles to report bullying and fake identity. And then he waited. And waited. “It felt like putting a note in a bottle and throwing it into the ocean,” Carbonella said. “There was no way to know if anyone was out there on the other end. For me, this wasn’t a situation where I knew which student was involved and could easily give it to a school guidance counselor. It was completely anonymous, so we really needed Facebook to intervene.” But, to Carbonella’s frustration, Let’s Start Drama stayed up. He filed another report. Like the first one, it seemed to sink to the bottom of the ocean." - How to Stop the Bullies, the Atlantic

Facebook needs to decide whether they're going to take bullying seriously, or not. Either they support "freedom of speech", or they are anti-abuse and need to act as such across the board. I'm privileged - I can defend myself, and I have other platforms to speak out if Facebook silences me. But not everyone does, and a particularly determined bully can have a devastating impact. As a teen, online bullying can lead to making your every waking moment at school a living hell. As an adult, it can mean being outed, it can mean having your networking connections lost by having your account shut down, it can mean real life stalking. Decide who you want to defend, Facebook. "Choosing not to choose" is a choice, and all to often, it means you've chosen the abuser. Feel free to signal boost this post (including on Facebook!) or to tweet @Facebook to let them know your thoughts.

I’m just going to say it upfront - I’m a massive fan of Game of Thrones.

I know it’s problematic, controversial around its portrayals of women, arguably more violent on screen than required. And I know there’s been plenty of excellent critiques arguing that Game of Thrones is feminist, or isn’t feminist, or asking if it matters whether it’s feminist or not. I've appreciated the commentary on racism and GoT, as well as in fantasy in general. Through this I have learned a great deal on how to be a fan of problematic media while still maintaining a critique - there are certain ways where the book and the show differ that make the show more sexist, and in other ways less sexist, than the original material. I’m glad, actually, because if I never engaged in anything I found critique-worthy I think I’d self-destruct!

What draws me to GoT time and time again is the number of female characters, who embody strength in such different ways. Watching how these women navigate a hostile and patriarchal world in their various styles (some with more success than others) is something I can relate to and recognize bits of in my own life. I’ve had my moments where I’ve tried, like Sansa, to navigate office politics by being polite and doing as I’m told, desperately hoping that I’ll be liked. And there’s certainly times, like Arya, my temper and my desire for justice has been wielded like a weapon. I can appreciate Margaery’s cunning, or Brienne’s honor, or Melisandre’s seductive madness. And who can forget Daenerys and her dragons?

As much as the series itself is close to my heart, what really made me fall in love had little to do with the stories, but who was chosen to play various characters and how. GoT gets a lot of flack for showing a lot of naked female bodies (and it’s been suggested that perhaps they should do the same for male bodies). I’ll admit I was personally excited by the queer orgy that Oberyn and Ellaria were having last night… I mean, yum, right, AND I’m appreciating Season 4’s glimpses of naked men in sexual situations, so hurrah for that!

Still, what’s particularly exciting to me is their decision to cast adult performers in roles for the show. There’s been a few porn performers who move on to non-adult film roles, but they’ve usually left the industry at that point. In contrast, several of the performers on Game of Thrones are current porn stars (including one in particular who is also a cosplayer!)

Why is this important? As I’ve discovered, once you’ve performed in XXX, it can be extremely difficult to find other work outside of the industry. Even while society tells you that your work is degrading and you should leave, employers will turn you down as not being “a good fit” for their company, often despite having the qualifications. Alternately, you can try working with a religious organization formed to help women leaving the industry, but any help you receive will require your penitence for your past work experience.

This is why I find Game of Thrones to be special. I’m delighted to see ex-porn star Sibel Kekilli playing Shae so sympathetically and complexly, while proving that the prejudice that porn performers aren’t good actors is total bullshit. Season 2 saw Maisie Dee and Sahara Knite both playing sex workers within Littlefinger’s brothel. And the casting of porn stars hasn’t stopped - in season 4, Aeryn Walker will play one of the wildling Craster’s wives, while Jessica Jensen and Samantha Bentley will also be appearing (though we don’t know as whom yet). I’m hoping that more adult film stars will be cast in roles outside of prostitution, and I think they will be. These casting choices remind us that porn performance is a *performance*, that it’s a job, and that we can potentially do acting outside of the adult industry if we so desire. Rather than seeing doors shut, it’s nice to see one opening successfully.

By inviting porn performers (and not LA ones, but British, German and Australian ones) to be in Game of Thrones in various roles, the show’s creators are not only are they showing that adult sets aren’t their only home. GoT is potentially giving these actresses reach to new audiences and new opportunities, while also using performers who are more comfortable with nudity on screen rather than trying to push it on actresses who aren’t interested. It creates a precedent where porn performers are performers, ultimately, rather than some other class of actress. And it’s certainly not bad to have on your resume!

Perhaps the success of GoT will encourage other shows to seek out the myriad talents of those in the adult industry as well. I can only hope, as a porn performer myself, that we’ll begin to see less stigmatization and more admiration, respect… and maybe even job opportunities, both in and out of XXX.

I've just come home from an intense 6 day trip in Toronto, home of the Feminist Porn Awards and the Feminist Porn Conference. 6 days among other women, other queers, other porn performers, other feminists. In that time I have witnessed moments that made my heart soar, my eyes tear up with love and the fiercest of joys, pride in the people I hold close to me. I have experienced moments that hurt my heart, that disappointed me, moments that underlined how privilege can alienate and divide us. I spoke to academics, I spoke to sex workers, I spoke to sex workers who were academics. It was a weekend of realizations, inspiration, determination… and I came away from it all feeling exhilarated and ready to change the world.

Even though I've been performing in arguably feminist porn for several years and have been a feminist sex worker my whole adult life, this was a new experience for me. I've never been able to make it to the FPAs (being a queer porn performer is more personally fulfilling than financially sustainable) but thanks to a dear friend I was gifted the funds to go this time. As I work with TROUBLEfilms my hope was to be present to support "Girl Pile", "Trans Grrrls", "Hard Femme" and "Femme Facial", as well as our site Indie Porn Revolution. I also looked forward to hanging out with porn performers I knew well, and meeting new ones I had admired online.

Feminist porn has become pretty popular even within the mainstream over the last year. AVN held a panel called "The Feminist Porn Mystique". XBiz gave out an award for Best Feminist Porn Release. Ellen Page praised feminist porn. Even though it's been around in some form since at least the 80s, and the Feminist Porn Awards have been around since 2006, 2013-2014 seems to be the dawning of an era of porn and feminism being linked, not just for political reasons but for marketing ones. There are, of course, questions and debate about what constitutes feminist porn, and discussions of how porn can be both empowering and disempowering under our current systems of oppression. But less and less do the words "feminist porn" seem like an oxymoron.

I stayed with my girlfriend who lives in Canada for the FPAs/FPCon, which was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because I wasn't terribly far but was far enough to have my space (plus someone to snuggle!), but also a curse because that distance cut into some of the experience of hanging out casually I might have had otherwise. It also meant, though, that I got some much needed off time away from the bustle of the events. I went to the City Council meeting and saw Rob Ford in person, ate some incredible ramen I'll dream about for years, and had poutine with bacon and maple syrup.

On Thursday I dressed up and went to the VIP party to have a couple glasses of wine before heading to the theater. They were screening 10 hot porn shorts up for awards the next day, and I wasn't familiar with all of them. What was particularly interesting to me was seeing the very different styles of shooting, along with the music each one choose to accompany their piece. I was grateful not to see anything screened that triggered me (something I was concerned about due to a particular person being in attendance) and was thrilled to see many things that excited and interested me. Australian porn performer and Penthouse Pet Zahra Stardust, in particular, made work that entwined the political with the pornographic in ways I found satisfying, and I definitely ended up wanting to see French producer Ovidie's full piece (I think on privacy and nonmonogamy, and filmed like a documentary). "Bed Party"'s exploration of straight queers struck close to home as a queer in a relationship with a cis man. But the piece that stuck with me was "Best Slumber Party Ever" directed by Samuel Shanaboy. You have to see it to understand, but suffice to say it was a crowd favourite. There's a sequel coming, by the way.

Friday I started with a press conference in which I ended up being pretty shy (it totally happens)  and then hung out getting ready for the award show. I managed to tease my hair into a beehive which surprised me and wowed everyone else, which made me reasonably proud. I got ready with Courtney Trouble and it was really nice to have femme one on one time! Then it was off to the Awards, where the entertainment sizzled, the people were hotties all around, and the emotions were high. April Flores's husband, the late Carlos Batts, received an Indie Icon Award and her speech made me tear up. TROUBLEfilms won awards for Hard Femme and Trans Grrrls, which was delightful and exciting. I was grateful to be on stage to accept an award for a scene I felt really, really proud of, with fierce fat femmes who were/are my icons. You can find the winners at the bottom of this post!

After that I got to sit in and help out with a hot threesome shoot between two long held porn crushes, Wolf Hudson and James Darling, and a brand new one in Zahra Stardust (who was fresh from winning heartthrob of the year). Also with us was Courtney, doing the main footage, and a lovely journalist whose mind I think was expanded in all the best of ways. It was a really sexy scene, and I can't wait for you all to see it! For now there's just one BTS photo I'm willing to leak and it's right here. I also really recommend you look at everyone's sites because there's a lot on there to make your heart flutter- watch Wolf's dancing, James with unicorns, and Zahra talk politics. Yum yum yum.

Then it was time for the conference. I did better than I normally do at conferences and went to a session in every block except one. The sessions I sat in on were "Feminist Porn: What It Is, What It Isn't, And Why It Matters", "Getting In and Getting Out", and "Evaluating the Outcome" on Saturday, and "Aussie Porn" on Sunday, with the panel I was on "Do Porn Stars Deserve Privacy" the last one before the closing keynote. I appreciated the discussions being had (though I think every session should have its own hashtag for easy catching up) and found myself often wishing I could be in two places at once! Having in depth discussions about various aspects of feminist theory and pornography, as well as assessing what feminist porn is, what ethical porn is, and what we need to do better, is vital for representation and intersectionality. I felt inspired and determined, which is a good way to be after a conference. I was also EXHAUSTED.

I'm glad to be home, but I had an amazing time in Toronto. It's inspired me to make more porn, better porn,  as well as to buy more porn from indie performers. My brain is still whirling with ideas of what to present on next year, both on screen and in a panel. I learned how far feminist porn has come to differentiate itself from the mainstream, and how it's influencing the mainstream, but I was also made aware of our failings as a movement and how we can do better. I'm curious how to film for the desires of asexual folks, for example, or how i'd make a porn for my mum. And, well, I love a challenge. Game on!

Feminist Porn Award 2014 Winners:

Best Short
No Artificial Sweeteners
Sonya JF Barnett (The Madame)

Sexiest Short
Trains | Paul Deeb (Pillow Book Productions)

Steamiest Straight Movie
The Temptation of Eve | Jacky St. James (New Sensations)

Golden Beaver of Canadian Content
Power at Play | Carey Gray (House of Switch)

Best Direction
Sexual Freedom (Sex Stories 3) | Ovidie (Frenchlover TV)

Feminist Porn Awards Smutty School Teacher Award for Sex Education
Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples | Tristan Taormino (Adam & Eve)

Hottest Dyke Film
Hard Femme: Lesbian Curves 2 | Courtney Trouble (TROUBLEfilms)

Honorable Mentions
Something Better: Performers Talk About Feminism & Porn | Ms. Naughty (Indigo Lush)

Best Slumber Party Ever | Samuel Shanahoy (tee vee dinner)

Doing It Again Vol 1: Playful Awakening | Tobi Hill-Meyer (Handbasket  Productions)

Honorable Websites
www.juicypinkbox.com
www.naughtynatural.com
www.welovegoodsex.com
www.wendywilliamsxxx.com

Hottest Straight Vignette
Xconfessions | Erika Lust (Lust Productions S. L)

Hottest Lesbian Vignette
Women Reclaiming Sex on Film | Madison Young (Madisonbound Productions)

Hottest Kink Movie
Rubber Bordello | Soma Snakeoil (Snakeoil Media Productions)

Best Boygasm
Bed Party: Eden Alexander & Sebastian Keys | Shine Louise Houston (Pink & White Productions)

Tantalizing Trans Film
Trans Grrrls: Revolution Porn Style Now! | Courtney Trouble (TROUBLEfilms)

Heartthrob of the Year
Zahra Stardust

Movie of the Year
Silver Shoes | Jennifer Lyon Bell (Blue Artichoke Films)

 

It's been a while since I've done a toy review, but I'm getting back in the swing of things!

I'm always interested in new technology and the toy I'm reviewing here is definitely new to me. It was also, apparently, new to the TSA, who needed me to take it out of my luggage to ensure it wasn't a bomb. "Nope!" I said cheerfully, pulling out the Ziploc bag to show them. "It's just my vibrator!"

"Your what?" the puzzled TSA agent said.

"My vibrator!" I grinned. She stared. "It's a Stronic Pulsator", I added, waving the bag around and winking.

"Put it away" she hissed as response, blushing. I shrugged and tucked it back into my bag as she waved me away hurriedly. I guess she wasn't ready to deal with my shamelessness!

It was much ado over a pretty fabulous toy. The Stronic Pulsator series from Fun Factory *thrusts*. It really pumps back and forth inside you! There's a metal weight that shifts, so you really feel it moving (not as much as it would with your hand, but you'd need a pretty big motor for that). It's not going to pound your cervix, but the movement is pleasant and certainly turned me on. Add in the ridges and this certainly a good toy, at least as far as I'm concerned.

It's a rechargeable toy with an elegant magnetic charger that means there's nothing to worry about getting gunked up or messed up when you wash it. You can lock it, so it won't go off in your luggage (though that won't protect you from the questioning about the device, as it looks different in the xray than other vibrators). And it's fully submersible, which is handy for cleaning.

As for use? There's a button on it that says "FUN". Hit that, then hit the plus and minus buttons to explore the various settings (10 pulsing settings, and also faster/slower controls). Personally I'll admit I didn't explore the Drei (my chosen model) much as I just wanted it to be fucking me hands free while I used a vibe on my clit. I squirted all over the place, which is how I know this toy is a good one for me/my body. It rubs just right against my gspot, firmly but not hard. The silicone on this toy has a nice velvety smoothness that feels great both externally and internally. I used Hathor Aphrodisia lube and it was wonderful. The motor was quiet, too, so I didn't have to worry about the neighbors!

I also got to watch April Flores and Betty Blac use it at a queer orgy for Chelsea Poe, but that's a story for another time... ;) You'll be able to see it via TROUBLEfilms eventually!

In short? I personally highly recommend this. It's not overly thick but the ridges are sensational. I imagine my partner is going to love seeing how it feels anally.

Thanks Fun Factory for providing me with this magnificent toy in exchange for an honest review! Check out the whole series!

I was interviewed by Fleshbot writer McBeardo (who I'm renaming McBeardy) in what is probably one of the most honest, personal, and detailed interviews I've ever done. Also, there's loads of photos to enjoy from Indie Porn Revolution, Crashpad Series, QueerPorn.TV and some shoots I've done with friends like Julia and Tex! It was really nice to get to speak candidly

FLESHBOT: What was your very first adult project? How did you make the decision to do it? What did you think and feel before, during, and after it was happening?

My very first adult project was a public photo shoot involving these lovely butt plugs that were handmade by the photographer. He was an older man who wanted them for his private collection, and we negotiated about what the shoot would entail. I enjoyed butt plugs but got anxious about having someone put them in me so I inserted them myself, and I got to choose my outfit and where we shot. I picked the Albany Bulb, which was a repurposed dump-turned-dog park with a bunch of interesting art made of garbage, and I dressed in my gutter punk finest. I got to keep copies of the photos and still have them.

How did I feel about it? Well, I was nervous at first, excited while it was happening (I love the risk of public play!) and confident afterwards. I think the fact I had a lot of control over what happened and how I was portrayed helped immensely with my enjoyment of the shoot. He was very respectful, even offering to take me to lunch afterwards, and paid me in cash. We talked a lot about stuff we did outside of pervery (he was an electrical engineer, I was a sci fi and computer gamer geek). I even got to keep the plugs! I was pretty naive in thinking all porn would be like that, though.

Read it here to find out which porn stars I want to work with, why I don't work with the mainstream, and how I became the pervert you all know and love. Also, while we're at it, I now have an AVN official profile.

I was a pretentious and perverted child from an early age. I enjoyed reading witty British novels meant for people much older than me, played games with my Barbies like "Salem Witch Trials", and running my hands up my sides until I got that shiver up my spine. I thought that's what an orgasm was, and I liked it, so I spent a lot of time in my room lightly tracing my fingertips up the sides of my torso. It didn't take long for me to begin repurposing art supplies in my erotic explorations - the Squiggle Wiggle Writer was a particularly interesting sensation.

I was already fantasizing about kinky scenarios, though I didn't know that's what they were called. Lacking other children to play with, my imagination ran wild with dangerously sexy situations. Of course, lacking any real context, the way these desires manifested were somewhat odd. My first fantasy I can recall is imagining myself strapped to an exam table while Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles traces his blades over my flesh and interrogates me. I resist, of course, and he gets rougher and rougher until he just takes pity on me, washes away the blood and tears and caressing the marks he's made. To aid in these daydreams I would use my blankie to tie my hands together, or to gag myself while I moaned. I'd pretend I was a pony, a pet loved by my owner, my hair brushed and adventures embarked upon.

I think it's important to state here that I hadn't seen any pornography. I had no idea what that was. Internet porn wasn't accessible to me. All I knew was that there were situations I saw on cartoons and TV shows that excited me and made me want to touch myself in ways I didn't really understand more than "this makes me feel good". My first "adult" material was Nancy Friday's "Women on Top", Alex Comfort's "The Joy of Sex" and some particular passages of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" (the original version was pretty kinky!). Bodice rippers ignited the flame further, and I became hungry for any depiction of sex that I could find. My first video porn? Annie Sprinkle's "Sluts and Goddesses".

I began masturbating furiously. I learned that my clit was too sensitive to enjoy being touched (later a piercing would change that), that clothes pegs on my nipples felt strangely nice, and that when I lay on my stomach and thrust a Crayola marker into my cunt the cap would undo, just slightly, and then pinch my inner labia in a way that hurt unless... unless I was close to orgasm, which I discovered while doing this, an explosion of pleasure and pain mixed together. I was maybe 11 at the time.

When I did my survey about kids and porn, I realized that while we culturally worry endlessly about the "pornification of culture" kids have a natural curiosity about sex, pleasure, and their bodies. They'll create fantasies, they'll masturbate, they'll seek out sexual material in the form of erotica or porn magazines or free websites. I think that curiosity is natural, and I think that without harmful power dynamics coming into play from older people, it can be really healthy. I'm glad I was encouraged to read about puberty, that my parents gave me a first book about sex that included masturbation. I didn't grow up with it as this secret forbidden thing, and therefore didn't feel the need to explore it until I was really ready. Everything I devoured relating to sex was contextualized by the frank discussions with my parents and the books about teenagers going through puberty, it wasn't in some black hole of my understanding.

I think that trying to deny kids their sexuality or stifle it is more likely to cause them to struggle with their fantasies. They're more likely to get warped ideas from the depictions of sex they come across, because they won't really know how varied sex can be, or that people get pleasure from lots of different activities. In the survey there were people who learned from the porn they found, and some of them learned positive messages, other learned fear and dread. One of the things I noticed that made the difference was how their families treated discussions of sexuality with their children. The other thing was wondering on first contact whether the people in porn were enjoying themselves, if they felt comfortable. It makes me wonder, if I'm honest, how terrible porn is for kids to discover. Are the lessons they teach any worse than Disney Princess stories? Are they worse than what we learn from video games? I think sex and violence are the least of our concerns - the lessons about codependency, success at any cost to others, and gendered role restrictions seem to me to be more pervasive and certainly more subtle.

I wouldn't say that the TMNT have responsibility for my inevitable kinkiness. But I also don't think the desires they inspired messed me up. Unlearning the idea that loving someone hard enough would change them, though... that one hurt me far, far worse.