So, next up in our "Think Of the Children!" category of porn parodies, the movies you remember from childhood, is of course "Grease XXX".

I have a longstanding relationship with the movie "Grease". When I was in second grade I remember pulling a boy out from the crowd to be my dance partner for "You're the One That I Want". I don't even remember what the point of the routine was, but that boy became my boyfriend pretty much because I decided he should be. "Grease" always reminds me of that summer, both my budding libido and my sexual naiveté.

This won "Best Parody" at both AVN and was nominated as such for XBiz, and it was well-deserved. The performers obviously watched the movie and personified their characters really well. I also appreciated that there were performers who had pubic hair, and ones who didn't, so whatever your preference there was representation.

We start off with Sandy (Riley Reid) and Danny (Seth Gamble, who is super cute!) frolicking at the beach. Sandy decides a good way to make sure Danny doesn't forget her is by giving him a blow job. He comes in her mouth, and it's all actually kind of sweet and innocent.

"Where Is the Lube?" is seriously a porn parody song that fucking WORKS. It works!! I need to memorize this for the next karaoke night. It's to the song "Grease is the Word", too, so it's even funnier when you're familiar with the source material. Well fucking played, Will Ryder.

I have to say, the script was amazing. The guys gathering to talk about what they did over the summer was really a dirty version of the original script. Kenickie, Sonny and Doobie are played by Richie Calhoun, Anthony Rosano and Talon, respectively, and while they're all older of course they manage the tone of their originals very well. Chad Diamond plays Putzie, and is WAY better than he was as Will Schoe in Glee XXX.

The Pinkie Ladies (so called because they're "pink in all the right places") start talking about their summers, and of course Sandy tells them about Danny. "He was sweet, and sincere, and very respectful" she says dreamily. "He sounds horrible!" says Marty (Brooklyn Chase), in a response that made me laugh. Frenchie (Trinity St. Claire) is sweet and sympathetic,  and Jan (Coco Velvet) is amazed that Sandy doesn't shave. Everyone is disappointed when Sandy explains that Danny couldn't get it up. "A man without an erection is like breakfast without orange juice" says Rizzo, who is perfectly played by Kiera King.

They then go into "Summer Lovin'", where Sandy sings about Danny's lack of an erection, and Danny sings about all the various positions they supposedly did. This was pure genius. And the singing wasn't bad! I was actually impressed, considering most of the porn performers did their own singing judging from the credits. It's no wonder they won "best soundtrack" at AVN, or that Axel Braun (who did the Rocki Whore parody) did the music.

Mrs. McGee (Rebecca Bardoux) is amazing. She gives announcements, including that all cheerleaders will now be required to wear panties. The students seem bummed out about this. Anyway, that's the background as Danny and Sandy meet. Danny starts off excited (though he can't remember where she's from), and Sandy is shocked at how he changes into the cool dude we expect for his friends, and runs away crying.

Then someone (a cheerleader, presumably? played by Gaia) walks in and with no explanation starts sucking Putzie's cock while everyone else watches and comments on it.

I actually really liked this because usually porn parodies just focus on the main couple and everyone else is just... there. In this, though, they're commenting on the blow job the whole way through! I think the best part for me was at the end, when Rizzo says the student's face with jizz all over it looks like a glazed donut. Oh, Rizzo.

Then we get to the slumber party scene, the perfect time for a girl-girl scene. We get one with Jan and Marty, right in front of the others, though Rizzo says that she's "strictly dickly tonight" in a particularly Rizzo-like turn of phrase.

There's a lot of nipple play and breast play. I was surprised that Jan, who originally expressed disgust at Sandy's lack of knowledge about bikini waxes, was actually unshaven- a very nice surprise! We even get some scissoring, which is super sexy to watch.

Sandy runs out (after the scene is over), freaked out by all this sex right in front of her, and spurring Rizzo's "Sandra Day" song. It's fantastic, making fun of Sandy's horror at having watched girls playing with girls, her saving of her virginity, and her discomfort with sex in general. I felt like this worked, both song-wise and advancing the plot/characterizations.

The boys come over to the sleepover for a came of Truth of Dare  which of course turns filthy. But we don't really see what ensues, as we follow Rizzo and Kenickie to Mrs. McGee's office, where they actually have sex somewhat intimately.

There's a blow job, and pussy eating, and fucking on the desk while Kenickie "makes an announcement" over the loudspeaker, which felt very *them*. Kenickie ejaculates on Rizzo's face, which somewhat complicates her supposed pregnancy, but I'm sure this will be figured out.

Cha-Cha (Adriana Chechik) comes sauntering in, saying how she's the "pussy prize" if they win in the race against the Scorpions. The guys are worked up by this, because she's in her underwear for a start. "Why, this girl is problematic... she's charismatic... she's acrobatic... it's Cha-Cha!" is pretty much the best thing I've heard so far in this porn. They sing about how amazing Cha-Cha is, including the dance (!) before Danny and Kenickie wander off, leaving Sonny and Doody to fuck Cha-Cha (and, somewhat suddenly, Gaia, who I guess just hangs around all the time for blowjobs?)

This scene is nice enough, but I kind of wish they all interacted together more, rather than both playing separately. There's some switching which is nice, and eventually the girls make out, but for the most part they're just two different scenes happening in the same place at the same time. Cha-Cha is amazing to watch during this- watching her give a blow job, you can kinda see how she'd be a prize. Also she really seems to be enjoying herself which frankly makes a lot of difference- Gaia is newer to porn, which might be it, but she seems more like she's pretending. There's a lot of spit and gagging in this scene. Also? I wish Sonny took his shirt off. He seems a bit chubbier, and maybe that's why he didn't, but I thought he was cute. Eventually the guys come in the girls mouths and then make out.

Danny and Sandy are at the diner talking, though Sandy is still angry at his behaviour. Frenchie shows up with her pink hair, leading Danny to suggest she's a better cocksucker than hair tinter (likely true) before Danny and Sandy both disappear. We then get treated to a scene where Frenchie is basically negged by her Guardian Angel (Kurt Lockwood, who sings "let me put my penis in your mouth" without cracking up) leading to, what else? More sex. I do enjoy the lingerie-clad backup singers, especially as the women aren't all super slender or have big breasts, which was nice. Frenchie is fucking adorable during this scene... even though it's pretty fucked up for her Angel guy to say she's only ever going to be good as a beauty school slut. There's also a bit of pussy stretching during cunnilingus, which I'm really into right now.

At this point, I want to say that I'm amazed at the amount of ball licking/sucking I now see in parody porn. It used to be very occasional, but now it seems standard (every blowjob involves some ball action now).

Finally we get the carnival scene, which is funny cause the hammer top falls of when they use it, and Ron Jeremy (of course) is a carnival barker.  Their version of "You're the One That I Want" is funny, though kind of the clumsiest song parody, even if it was about Danny's erection.

I think the sex scene that ensues between Danny and Sandy is kind of incredible, though, because they left a loop of kids at an amusement park (!) which seemed both really fitting and totally inappropriate. Finally seeing Sandy and Danny get it on was worth the wait, and it was totally sweet and gentle. You feel happy for them at the end, even.

I really loved this porn parody. Since I also loved the Wizard of Oz porn parody, maybe I just have a thing for the musicals of my childhood being made into filth? I don't know.  I think this would have appeal both for fans of the original and people who are wanting some hot sex with a humorous, story driven twist. It works, even if it's a bit silly. "Grease XXX" is definitely going into my faves.

So this week, as I race through porn parodies I've missed out on, let's look at how the adult industry has taken kids movies/shows... and then corrupted them into things not fit for children. Yes, this week it's the "Think Of The Children" series, which will be tagged as such.

Remember, I watch these so you don't have to (unless you want to!)

Today's porn parody is "Not The Wizard of Oz XXX", another in the theme of porn films lacking in creative titles. I really love the Wizard of Oz, and adaptations like "Wicked" or "Lost Girls" make me really happy. I think it's a coming of age story that fits really well into the porn genre, at least potentially. But, seriously, HOW do you make a straight porn out of the Wizard of Oz???

It's pretty fucking incredible.

It starts off in black and sepia, fabulous costumes, and Nina fucking Hartley as  a sassy, cocksucking (!) Auntie Em. I am filled with fucking joy. Dorothy, played by Maddy O'Reilly, wears an outfit is so obviously from the "sexy fill-in-the-blank" section of the Halloween shop and I don't care.

Auntie Em starts things off sucking cock like a champ, no surprise there as Nina's an award winning super sexy porn star. The whole "I didn't know things were so hard at the farm you had to become a cocksucker but yer real pretty doing it" dialogue was  inspired, though I kinda wish you saw the face to the penis.

Dorothy walks in and is stunned! Shocked! A bit excited! at seeing her beloved Auntie taking a load in her mouth- but she waits til the cumshot before saying anything, the little pervert.

Oh yeah, and by the way it's a FUCKING MUSICAL WITH FUCKING IN IT

Dorothy sings a sweet little song about chasing her rainbow before pulling off her panties and masturbating, cause, why not? I can't say I was persuaded that a farm girl would have such a glossy french manicure (or a bald pussy), but never mind. Suspension of disbelief is vital to enjoyment of the porn parody. I also loved the touch of the wind blowing fiercer and fiercer as she gets closer and closer to orgasm, pulling up a tornado of sexual desire.

Then, the male farm hands (and possibly her uncle?) LOCK HER OUT OF THE STORM CELLAR. Wow, cold, guys! Dorothy gets swept up in a tornado, sees some random things out the window that amuse her more than scare her as far as I can tell, and opens the door to a suddenly colourful world that's small looking but pretty! Very pretty.

Oh yeah, Glinda (played by Annika Albrite) tells her delightedly that she's a murderer but if she follows the Yellow Prick Road  she can figure out how make some cash and get back back to Kansas. There's a weird but story-progressing song that sounds very... I dunno, very 80s elevator music, while the one Munchkin around (played by Stella Marie) smiles at them. They're interrupted by the Wicked Witch of the West (played by Brandy Aniston, who is, apparently, far sluttier than her dead twin sister) . I adored the Witch immediately because she's amazing and has the best fucking lines. "Now give me the fucking shoes!" "Twister killed my sister and delivered a fucking prude!"  She's fabulous, everything I'd want in a Witch.

The Witch demands  that the Munchkin blow her Guard (Eric John), which is a hot scene that uses the usual angles, which is actually refreshing because it doesn't make a huge deal out of the fact that she's a little person. Also she has gorgeous floral tattoos that her pink dress exposes nicely, which as a lover of tats I really liked. The white gloves of the guard gripping her hip was really sexy. The background music actually works really well (and I found that the background soundtracks added to each scene rather than taking away from it- I'm glad they kept it varied and made it make sense for the environment).

Dorothy puts on her ruby slippers (which, shockingly, are not stripper heels, at least not yet- I have a sneaking suspicion they will be by the end) and starts off on the Yellow Prick Road towards the Emerald City, where the Wizard might be able to help her with her issue. She runs into The Scarecrow (Mac Turner) whose problem is that he has no ambition, and keeps being stuck at dead end jobs. "Wanna make love?" he says to Dorothy, who says, pretty sensibly for a porno, "But I don't even know you!" He's played as a bumbling, hopeful, well-meaning sort and was actually kind of endearing.

He sings a song about how much he wants to get laid, and also maybe find some ambition, but really he wants to have sex. Thankfully, there appears out of nowhere Sheila, the Lady Scarecrow (Alexis Adams), who wants to give him "a goodbye kiss". This is, of course, porn parody talk for "a blowjob in a field", and so that happens, presumably with Dorothy just... watching? I got distracted by the hay that ended up sticking to Sheila's inner thigh during the sex, because tumbles in the hay are actually kind of uncomfortable. Maybe not for scarecrows though.

Then they meet the Tinman (Dick Chibbles, which is the best porno name ever, and he's also a porn clown, people), who has rusted up after fucking the Witch, presumably because she squirted all over him (which, um, HOT). He sings a song about how he doesn't have much luck with the ladies, and that he's looking for that from the Wizard, so Dorothy invites him along and they continue.

Here, I get confused, because we meet a white dude pretending to be a pimp..? instead of the Lion, which is what I expected. This Pimp dude (Seth Gamble) offers to help her earn lots of money (but we know the pimp game, it won't be for her, will it) as long as she "shows him the goods". "I'd do anything to help Auntie Em save her farm so I don't have to see her give strange men in capes blowjobs in our living room!" she says, and then promptly gives him a blowjob on the side of the road while the Scarecrow and Tinman watch them. I'll admit when I read the cast, I figured the Pimp was the standin for the Wizard, so it confused me to see him so soon. He does have a nice butt, though.  I also figured this more as a coming of age thing and figured she wouldn't have sex til the end, but hey, whatever.

Then we meet the Lion (James Bartholet), who thinks he might be turning gay, and sings a song with everyone somewhat reminiscent of "Modern Major General" about how he's not sure if he's gay, but he does think about sucking... well the song gets cut off at that point, so we'll never know. Cough. It's delightfully high camp, though, and I'm glad because the Lion has always been such a high camp character. I don't know if it's ever explicitly said what he's looking for, but possibly... direction for his sexuality? Whatever. It does give me some hope that maybe some day we'll see a mostly straight porn that has some boy on boy action, though. Some day....

After the musical number, the Witch sends her Flying Monkeys to get the ruby slippers, and then, for some reason, follows them there (I mean, isn't that what minions are for?). She sees the Pimp, sneers, and says "a white pimp? Begone, stylish man!" and poof, he's gone. Well, all right then!

I was surprised there was no Poppy Fields scene, because I though Dorothy's dream might be a fun scenario, but eh.

Now we're in the Witch's Castle. Dorothy hears from Auntie Em, who's worried for her, and says she's "no good as a hooker". I mean, do they even have currency in this realm? Then the Witch comes in and demands that someone fuck her right this very instant.

Everyone bows out, so she tells the Tinman he's won the lottery and to get her off, except she's going to have him come all over Dorothy's face instead.

He eats her pussy with some vigor, which is nice to see (but man, SO MUCH PAINT, and he's wearing a very clumsy looking outfit) before she sucks his cock and, well, the usual porn sex ensues. As per usual, I guess everyone else just stands there politely and waits, because *where are they*? I am probably one of very few people who thinks about these things while watching porn. I do wish they had either left the background "spooky castle" music going for this scene or talked dirty a bit more, as it's a very quiet scene to watch, but that also makes it feel strangely intimate. But then? Then the Tinman comes on the Witch's face instead of in Dorothy's mouth, and she melts. Aww. I hoped for a squirting scene! Oh well.

So they skip off to Oz, where they discover the Wizard has been gone for months (interesting plot twist!) Glinda shows up right about then, though, smiling blankly but indulgently, to tell Dorothy how to get home. The power of group love will do it, says Glinda, who is just as much of a bitch as in the original. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE BEGINNING!

So, they have an "orgy". It's not an orgy. I had hoped it would be an orgy! I mean, they have the right components for a gangbang! But no, instead it's Glinda, Dorothy, and a random Emerald City Guard (Kurt Lockwood).  I mean, it's a nice enough threesome, but it's not the orgy I was hoping for. There's a lot of spanking, and some really nice making-out-while-eating-pussy type scenes which keeps it interesting. And all the makeup is running, which is pretty sexy.

All in all, "Not the Wizard of Oz XXX" was worth watching for many reasons outside of the fucking, though the fucking was pretty hot. I recommend it, because you'll be glad you saw this. Really.

originally posted here

I often identify myself, with some pleasure, as fat. Just as often, there's a flurry of anxiety around my use of the word, as if I am judging myself harshly in some fashion.

‘Fat’ is an insult here in the US, where I've come of age, and I rarely hear it without some commentary on a percieved lack of hygiene or intelligence. Ever since I started calling myself ‘fat’ as a way of combating my own prejudices about the term, I have been constantly corrected, told that I’m a Big Beautiful Woman, I’m just curvy, I’m pretty, not fat...like there is some contradiction. But I actually like the word ‘fat.’ ‘Fat’ implies something more juicy...fruitfulness, and richness. It’s succinct. I feel like the term “BBW” fetishizes my fleshiness, makes my body about my perceived beauty and therefore sexual value to others, while “fat” allows me to take up space for myself. I feel less and less like apologizing for the term -- not to my family, not to my friends, and certainly not to my clients.

My body's attractiveness has been vital to my work since I started seriously pursuing the adult industry at twenty, spanning various areas from professional domination to escorting, from pornography to live sex shows. I have been (dare I say consciously) working in sex for most of my adult life. Because I’m employed within an industry where certain specific beauty standards are considered to reign supreme, many expect that I would have to mold myself into a Stepford heteronormative sex worker of sorts. I often hear shock when I come out. “Really?” they gasp, “but you don’t LOOK like an escort!”

The implications of that statement are not unfamiliar to me. I’m not the depiction of "escort" the male gaze markets on television, nor am I a sob story or a capitalistic fantasy. Hell, I’m not the standard of attractive they’re marketing to you either. I’m 280 lbs, with often multicoloured streaked hair, tattoos, in jeans and sneakers as often as I present high femme. When I walk down the street, my fatness is impossible to hide, and makes me vulnerable, particularly to sexualized, and often violent, attention. Ignoring or rebelling against catcalling often leads to threats intermingled with statements about how grateful I should be for the sexual harassment. The implication being that as a fat girl, of course, I’m lucky to be thought of as desire-worthy at all, even if that desire is violent or unwanted. This view tends to render the idea of someone paying me for adult entertainment mind boggling. My refusal to see a client has often led to being insulted and physically threatened for my fatness, again feeding off the idea that I am ungrateful for not taking all opportunities given. I am lucky to have privilege and not have to see such people anyway, despite their attitudes. I know not all sex workers are as privileged.

Publicly, I may be ridiculed, threatened with rape, given unsolicited suggestions on diet or exercise, or asked about pregnancy. Privately, however, I am sought out. The first break I got was when I started using the term ‘Big Beautiful Woman’ on my ads and site. Before then, I used ‘curvy’ or some other euphemistic term. When I stopped and used ‘BBW’ instead (in the interest of using a term I saw more women my size embracing), I got more queries, more excitement, more...letching.

Now, I'm an exhibitionist- I love my body, most of the time, and enjoy showing off. But the thing I realized is that I was attracting men who were more interested in fetishizing my body than relating to me as a person. I could feel myself being assessed and categorized by their gaze and it made me feel disassociated and strange. When I related my experience to other sex workers I know, I found that some trans* women empathized in particular - the terminology of fetishism, specifically when focused on ones own body, feels uncomfortable at best and deeply traumatic at worst. Even if a person thinks you’re a “goddess” because of your body, being put on a pedestal is still just another form of objectification, and that's just not my kink.

But many of the clients that I see are too embarrassed by their attraction to a fat woman to date one, or even to be seen with me in public. When fat people are ridiculed publicly, those who desire them stay silent for fear of being dragged down as well. It’s like any other form of bullying. There is a shame for us both -- for him in being interested in my thick thighs, my soft belly, my large breasts, and for me in possessing a body made of these during a declared “war against obesity.” My flesh is resistance to a medical establishment that demands that I lose weight before they investigate my symptoms, a humiliation scene I did not consent to and yet somehow pay for as much as it is a stand against homogenized standards of beauty.

And it is not just the clients who are supposed to hide their desires. There is an expectation, if you’re queer and in the sex industry (particularly professional domination or prostitution), that you will likely feign heterosexuality in order to make your clients feel comfortable. Many sex workers create a whole persona that they slip into along with their sex work drag when they go to work. As a fat sex worker, I found myself facing a choice: I could do the same and potentially see clients who, in their shame about desiring me, might shame me as well or act violently towards me. Alternatively, I could take my fatness and my inability to hide it as a cue and refuse to deny my queerness in my work either, to embrace that side of me in my sessions.

Even as I found my own stride, I struggled to get recognition from others within the queer sex work community, particularly in the area of pornography. It’s hard enough to market the non-male gaze oriented queer erotic on its own - with every identity you add (person of colour, trans*, non-binary gender, fat, disabled) a sex worker can see their work possibilities get fewer and further between. While some queer sites enjoyed working with me (thanks TroubleFilms and Crashpad Series!), others would consider me less marketable than slimmer, more fit queer performers and would decline in the interest of more success. Just as the outliers of the queer community found to be true of the greater Lesbian/Gay movement, sometimes your own community will employ the same “acceptability” policing techniques as society in the name of “the greater message.” “We’ll come back for you,” they say, to the trans* people fighting for gay rights, to the fat sex workers asking to work in queer porn. “When we succeed, we’ll come back for you.”

History shows that to be unlikely.

The experience of being fat, queer, and a sex worker crash together often and sometimes unexpectedly. One such example is my style when I see a client: Many fat sex workers, or alternative looking queer ones, suggest that a female-identified person starting out in the adult industry play up a high femme look in order to succeed. I worked initially with one professional domination house (a sort of kink-focused, non-sexual “brothel” for dominatrices) who insisted I wear black lingerie, stockings, and black pumps, even though it wasn’t flattering on my figure and I was not particularly feminine at the time. Instead of looking graceful and elegant, I looked awkward, teetering in heels that fit uncomfortably and wiggled when I walked. Rather than commanding authority in session, this attempt to submit my fatness and my queerness to this particular male gaze fantasy woman ended in many twisted ankles. It took a month before I went independent and found my power in queer femme, with buckled boots and ‘90s era flowered minidresses mixed with leather collars and studded bracelets.

What I have discovered in my years of work is that though, by using the term “fat” unapologetically, I may get less work than sex workers who more closely follow the media-created ideals of sensual femininity or fetishize their non-media-normalized bodies, my clients also tend to be more interested in me as a person. They are forced to acknowledge my opinions and my politics by engaging with me, and it’s on my terms. Talking to other sex workers has given me similar stories; high femme (or high butch for male sex workers) may be more marketable, but also more exhausting and more expensive to maintain, while being genuine to a personal truth is less time consuming but can take a toll on client numbers and emotional state. It can become harder to separate sex work from recreational sex, and harder to “turn off” the need for strict emotional boundaries. It’s a tough trade off to make, and each provider decides on a balance that feels comfortable and manageable for them.

The divergence between what one publicly claims to desire (generally based on what is socially acceptable) and what one privately seeks brings to mind the multiple examples of anti-gay politicians or religious leaders who are later discovered in bathrooms on their knees. Hypocrisy is so common it has become a joke rather than a surprise. Some men who want to sleep with men are still afraid to admit their desire when male bisexuality is still seen as dangerous and risky, never mind if you have a faith that calls it sinful.

While I was thinking about this piece, multiple blog posts came to my attention that used the logical technique “reductio ad absurdum” to support gay marriage by showing how ridiculous it would be to forbid another group from getting married based on claims of disgust from people outside that group. Over and over, the group chosen for this analogy is fat people, resting on the unchecked assumption, and perpetuating the dehumanizing idea, that disgust is an acceptable and appropriate reaction to fat people. Jon Stewart and Dan Savage are two gay marriage supporters who have used this tactic. Libertarian blogger, Judd Weiss, took it a step into more graphic territory, similarly expressing his blatant fatphobia under the guise of humour and activism. You can find these quotes by looking up "ban fat marriage" and their names; I don't want to add to their page views.

These attitudes painfully reminded me of how some sex workers create hierarchies among their ranks, putting respect and rights for indoor escorts above those engaging in street prostitution, or wanting to draw a line between sex work that involves physical sexual contact and is therefore illegal and stripping, or professional domination. I see the way that in our scrabble for rights, we throw each other under the bus, hoping to gain favour and forward momentum. I also see how it pulls us all back, and prevents us from working together, from bonding and becoming more powerful. By denying these intersections and silencing the voices of the marginalized between movements, I can’t help but feel that we are harming ourselves. This concern is particularly salient when taking into account the tension between what people privately seek as opposed to what they publicly claim to desire discussed above. Certain groups are left behind because it is assumed that their inclusion would make progress more difficult, but this assumption could be, and probably is, wrong. What is acceptable is inextricably tied to what is believed to be acceptable.

I am a fat, queer sex worker. It is as political a statement as my existence in a body, as political as my desire -- which is to say, completely, and equally not at all. What I mean by that is it can feel incredibly difficult to separate my body from a political sphere, when simply existing as a fierce fat femme is considered a middle finger to the status quo, even when I simply want to walk down the street to meet a friend, or perform on stage for the joy of it, or have sex on film because it’s sexy to me. My unapologetic success in what is considered a heterosexist, heteronormative, body-policing market suggests that perhaps the “erotic ideal” constructed by the male gaze is not truly the ideal at all. There is power in recognizing and embracing the places of our intertwined marginalizations and areas of privilege, and perhaps, with that, there is r/evolution.

In case you weren't aware, I'm a My Little Pony fan.

A massive My Little Pony fan.

I have a cutie mark tattooed on me that represents my personal passion- a Mont Blanc pen over Xena's sword in an illustration I often say expresses that the pen may be mightier than the sword, but it's good to know how to wield both.  I felt as cutie marks go, this most succinctly expressed who I am as a person, what drives me, what makes me tick. And with my love of multicoloured hair, it's not much of a stretch to imagine me as a human My Little Pony!

I've giggled for a while about doing pony play as a My Little Pony, but hadn't really investigated it because I would need to find custom pony tails. Most tails are black, with pony hoods and harnesses also being black and, maybe, red. Not really the candy-coloured fantasy of my childhood pony friends! For a while I just filed it away as something for clopfic (clopping being a brony term for wanking) rather than reality.

But then I found out about Crystal Delights and the Reignbow Pony Tail plugs they made and I got really excited. FINALLY beautiful flowing pony tails in pretty colours! They come in 4 colours with very MLP-inspired names - Cupcake Queen (baby pink), Periwinkle Princess (pastel blue), Sunny Sovereign (bright yellow) and Violet Virgin (soft lavender). These toys are incredibly refreshing for anyone who just wasn't excited about a straight black haired pony tail.

They're modeled by porn performer Tasha Reign and friends in a porn that's been, I think, mislabeled as a My Little Pony porn parody when really it's more of a Beauty series pony play  thing with a My Little Pony flavour (I'll be reviewing this next week during my porn parody series "Think of the Children" so stay tuned).  They do have cutie marks though...

Yes, I've thought about this a lot.

Anyway, one of the things everyone agrees on is that these plugs are adorable. I can definitively say they are not only comfortable, but incredibly sexy! The plug is made in the same style as Crystal Delights other plugs, like the Minx tail I've reviewed before, or their delightful bunny tail.

And it just looks cute, with the tail having a bounce that's perfect for any wannabe pony. I mean, look at it!

The tail is made with wig hair, and therefore can be taken care of like any plastic wig. There's care instructions that come with the plug so you can keep it looking beautiful and brand new.

The plug, meanwhile, is made out of clear glass, and you can get them either regular clear glass... or, for a bit more, you can get dichroic glass, which looks like it has multiple colours at once depending on the angle. Mine is the regular glass, and it's amaaaazing.

It's about 2.8" insertable length, and 1.3" around, making it an excellent starting plug for anyone who's wanted to try anal play. The glass starts off a bit cool to the touch, which I found pleasant but your mileage might vary. If you prefer to have your toy warmed, you can use warm water to heat the glass... or cold water for a totally different sensation! Just make sure that you're inserting the toy or removing it using the plug itself and not the tail, or you might pull some of the hairs out and make it look less pretty.

I haven't done much in the way of anal play for a couple of years. I find it hugely erotic in porn but it's made me a bit nervous doing it with partners after a couple of less than fun experiences. But this plug was completely worth it, wasn't intimidating and was incredibly fun!

My partner and I took it slowly, using some water soluble lube for easy cleanup (we really like this one). I found that using a hitachi while engaging in anal play made it a lot sexier for me, because I was able to relax. I was so relaxed, in fact, that when I came I ended up ejaculating like a faucet! I don't normally squirt without my g-spot being stimulated so I think that speaks to the fabulousness of this anal toy.

I will say that when I tried to stand up to take photos, I found the plug hard to keep in, probably due to all the lube. While lying down the bulb to stem ratio was enough to keep it in, but I think it felt a bit heavier in part because of the tail. If you plan to wear this while engaging in pony play, I recommend a bit of practice to make sure it doesn't pop out!

At some point I plan to do a photo shoot with this and my matching wig, along with my ears and horn. I love the Reignbow plug and will definitely be using it again.

Thank you Crystal Delights for sending me this plug in exchange for a honest and fair review!

I've watched a lot of porn parodies. I've watched Rezervoir Doggs, which is one of the most fucked up porn parodies I've ever seen (but man, I love it). I've watched a freakish spider lady giving a blowjob in a porn gif that has scarred me for life.

To be completely honest, "Golden Girls XXX" was the first porn parody I couldn't sit through.

I watched two sex scenes, and the acting was decent for the characters... but the dialogue was so poorly written and there was a *laugh track*. I really do not think porn should have a laugh track, ever, under any circumstances, particularly when the laugh track isn't really timed with any lines. It was hugely distracting to have this disembodied laughter, with swells and ebbs that matched nothing else going on. It felt manic and really off.

Maybe it's the fact it took 15 minutes before any sex happened, so I was already kind of bored. The sex, at least what I saw of it, was decent- I'm glad to see a parody porn where the physiques of the men are considered important enough to comment on and expose, as typically the male porn stars are ignored in favour of the female ones.  I'd like to see more of that in porn, so I consider that a plus. Also the female talent is super sexy, and we don't get to see nearly enough MILFs doing sex scenes in my opinion, so it has that going for it.

But I didn't want to watch the full thing when I discovered that one of the tropes being explored in this was a lesbian being "turned" by the magic of James Deen's dick. Especially if the writing isn't quality enough to poke fun at this trope, it's just outdated and kinda creepy.

For me, a porn parody requires that the parody be equal to the porn. It doesn't mean that I need as much plot as I need hardcore sex, but if I can't really tell what it's a parody of, or I'm distracted by the dialogue? I consider that a porno failure. Usually I watch porn parodies for the plot, with the sex scenes as an added bonus (especially if they stay in character)- in this case, though, I actually think only the sex was worthwhile.

"Golden Girls XXX", I wanted to like your snarky MILF promises, but there was nothing behind them.

Note: this was written as a guide specifically for cisgendered men, though cisgendered men are not the only people who identify as having dicks, or are the only ones who can benefit from this guide. 

I am a massive fan of Critique My Dick Pic, particularly now that I've joined Reddit and occasionally posting photos of my boobs. I get a lot of dick pics in my messages folder, and end up feeling a bit... well, unimpressed. Not because of the dicks themselves, which are nice enough, but because of the composition of the photos. I mean, I worked on my photos, dudes, you can at least spend a few minutes n your own!

Madeleine Holdin wrote a fabulous article about the things she learned (and is learning) while critiquing dick pics on the internet, and I highly recommend you read it. The various insights on male insecurity, the lack of the female gaze being catered to or even understood, the welcoming nature of her project (all self-identified dicks are welcome to be judged), all add up to a really surprisingly pleasant browsing experience on her tumblr. And she does talk a bit about tips for composing an excellent dick pic (as she says, what makes an ideal one varies from person to person).

Why are dick pics in the dark ages of selfies? One of the guys I spoke to said sadly, "well, vulvas and boobs have a lot of examples to learn from... there just isn't a similar acceptance or love for dicks", and I thought... wow, yeah, that's pretty true. One sender to Critique My Dick Pic says:

"Besides, I also just wanted to say thanks for creating a safe space for vulnerable male sexuality — obviously there are tons of places for dudes to act like complete assholes, but it’s rare to see a dick pic discussed and taken in a “I want to make myself vulnerable” way rather than the usual “I want to exert and impose my masculinity” way, since there’s an explicit lack of consent in the latter. It’s a problem I’ve dealt with for a while… the lack of desire to just have… Gently vulnerable men. "

Dicks are often seen as something to laugh at, or be scared of, not something to cradle tenderly or look at with lust. I mean, look at the shit that's called "sexy underwear for men". WTF is even going on with some of this stuff? If you are in the market, though, look for Candyman, who has made some of the best sexy men's underwear costumes I've ever seen.

I remember watching a documentary (My Penis and I, recommended!) about small penises and thinking back to a man I met once. He was the first man I had ever known who told me that he had a small penis, very matter of factly. He stood out because of this confidence (and deserved, too, he was good in bed) and it was super attractive. But so many men don't see a full variety of dicks, or see them at various flattering angles. It's not terribly surprising that people say vulvas are "just more attractive", simply because they're constantly conditioned to see them as such (though don't get me started on pussy lips and lack of representation... anyway).

I'm hoping this is changing, not only with all the attention the tumblr has been getting and also with this fashion spread featuring erect cocks. Yum.

I found myself wanting a clearer guide to the terms Madeleine's talking about. What's a log actually look like? What kind of background looks good, and what doesn't?  What's a good way to incorporate hands, or a partner? (Edited to add: I found that she's done a Top Ten Tips guide, but there's no pictures... and also it's on BroBible, which... yeah) Now, she and I may not have the same tastes, but I figured I wanted to make an illustrated guide on how to take a decent dick pic, using the same dick. So, without further ado (and with thanks to Phil N. Le Blanc, who modeled)...

 Kitty Stryker's Guide to Dick Pics

DON'T

Send a dick pic unsolicited.  We'll ask for it if we want it (and we will ask!). Madeleine says:

"every day dick pics are thrust into the faces of unwilling female recipients, & they’re widely hated for this reason. dudes (& it is invariably dudes): DON’T DO THIS. ever. foisting your penis onto someone who hasn’t consented to see it is hostile, rude & deeply unsexy."

Also, we want to feel like this is a photo you took just for us, not a chain letter you've sent out to everyone on your list. Use your words in a way that really makes it special. "Wats up" or similar is not really going to cut it.

DON'T

"The Log". Just don't. This bird's eye view meant to make your penis look huge really instead is just boring and we see them all the fucking time. It doesn't tell me anything about you, or make it erotic for me- it makes me feel like this sexy photo is more for your sake than mine, and that's not sexy.

DON'T

Put your dick next to an inanimate object to show size. First of all, I have two remote controls and they're totally different sizes, so it's not really a good comparison checkpoint. Secondly, it's the worst kind of objectification. Thirdly, do you genuinely want people to judge you on size alone? I prefer average sized cocks so your bragging is lost on me and, if anything, makes me less likely to respond.

DON'T

Under-(or over-)estimate your dick pic quality because of your size. Your dick is not somehow better or worse because of its size, and it really doesn't matter for taking a dick pic. All dicks have someone who loves them, but you have to present the merchandise in an appealing container.

DON'T

Take your dick pic with a cluttered, distracting background, because I will absolutely try to figure out what that poster is and wrinkle my nose at your pile of dirty laundry. It's not just about your dick, it's about setting the stage, a setting, a sexytimes setting.

DON'T

Take a novelty dick pic unless it is genuinely novel. Dick in a box = done. Dick wrapped as a present = done. Dick with frosting/whipped cream = done. Dick as stand-in for phallic objects = done. Also, if you want to do a novelty pic, make it still cute and sexy, not just silly- there's enough photos available if I want to laugh at dicks! I want to be turned on... and impressed by your creativity.

DO 

Use the rest of your body! Whether you have a hairy belly, plush curves or tight abs, I want to see the rest of you, even a hint. As Madeleine says, too, hands are important. It's nice to see you touching your cock in a way that's sensual and suggestive, making the recipient feel like they're witnessing a private, intimate moment. Disembodied cocks are not really hot.

DO 

Consider lighting. Phone camera flashes are usually harsh. Experiment with a few different angles and types of light (perhaps stark contrast with use of shadows, or candles, or fairy lights?). I also personally really enjoy filters as a way of playing up contrasts and maximizing lighting (black and white photos are also really pretty), but don't tamper with your image TOO much.  This does contribute to how warm and inviting your photo feels (I find red and orange light give better warmth than blue or green).

DO 

Remember that cute/flirty feels a lot more vulnerable and (at least to me) sexy than explicit shots.  Some people love that *BAM! DICK* approach, including me if it's done well, but there's a reason why burlesque is popular- people love to be teased, to anticipate. Sexual tension is really hot.

DO 

Take a bunch of photos, so you can pick one or two of them. When modeling, even a bit of a different angle can make for a way better photo, so experiment to see what looks best.  It's pretty normal with selfies to take ten, twenty, more photos for every one good picture!

DO 

Accessorize! I love a dick pic with a story (not a bragging story, mind), so when you have it pressed hard against your boxer briefs, or with a cockring, or peeking out from jeans, or in the shower? That's hot. And yes, we notice your clothes, and it does often matter. Also just a side note- don't shirtcock, or "Porky Pig" it. Take your shirt off unless it tells part of a story.

DO 

Have confidence in your cock.  I'd much rather have a pic of a flaccid but loved dick than a hard dick that's obviously looking for my validation - other women totally disagree, so know your partner's tastes and snap accordingly. Whether you're shaved or natural, uncut or cut, 4" or 9", if you follow the other tips in here, make the photo for my appreciation rather than your ego, and make your cock look like fun to be around and with? I'm into it.

With these tips, you should be well prepared to easily take dick pics with your phone camera that are intimate, sexy, and will delight rather than annoy your (consenting! ask first!) recipient.

Let me know what YOU like in a dick pic! What're your faves from Critique My Dick Pic?

 

So I figured rather than continue with contemporary porn sitcoms, why not check out "Not The Bradys XXX" which had been gathering dust on my shelf for quite some time?

The music is adorable and spot on, with an updated porno intro sequence that's a fabulous parody. I wondered if there was going to be any Brady-on-Brady action, and there's a little bit, but not very much for a porn that has 6 apparently horny teens living together. Apparently the director (Will Ryder) struggled to get this distributed at all, so I can understand why he didn't go that route (though we do get a Marcia and Greg pairing at the end, during a dream sequence).

We open as Mrs. B/Carol (Alana Evans) tries to reassure her husband, Mike (Mike Horner), that they'll be able to get by financially, even though he seems to have messed up a lot at work. He tells her they might lose their house, and she says chirpily "at least we have each other, and the kids!" an they embrace. The "teenage" girls overhear about the money issues and offer to help by getting jobs, but the parents are firm that school is far more important. Alice (a startlingly convincing Lynn LeMay) suggests they have some pie, and everyone forgets their troubles over a slice.

The girls talk to their brothers about the financial troubles, and the oldest two, Greg (Benjamin Brat) and Marcia (Hillary Scott), decide to look for jobs in the Want Ads against their parents wishes. Marcia finds an ad for figure modeling and decides she'll give it a go, though she's not entirely sure what it entails. Greg says he knows someone who does it and makes loads of money, and must be dating a doctor as she goes by the medical clinic a lot. RIMSHOT!

Marcia innocently meets up with a sleazy dude (Lu Brigaté, which is a very clever name) who says "yeah sure yup figure models that's what we do here" as a naked woman gets onto the bed behind them. Marcia doesn't seem to notice because she's Just That Innocent. Lu says not to tell people about visiting their "fine establishment", and persuades her that it's for an international market, so no one will ever know if she models topless. Marcia leaves after a few polaroids are taken, but runs into Katie (Jasmine Byrne), the friend Greg was talking about. For some reason, Marcia immediately assumes Katie is doing porn, and she confirms it. Katie then tells her a bit about porn and brings her to the set (super meta, cause the director is, in fact, the director). Marcia is a "good girl" though, and is kind of scared off the set when she sees Sam the Butcher (Ron Jeremy) eating someone out.

Katie ends up running into Bobby (Mickey Butders), the middle brother of the Brady set who followed Marcia. They end up sucked into a porn scene together that features a lot of enthusiastic oral sex and fingering. Because this is meant to be a porn set, Katie does look at the camera at times and that sense of awareness of the gaze is kinda sexy. There's some occasional dirty talk lines that're truly filthy and surprising even to me! There's a very expressive cumshot that you might enjoy if that's your thing.

Sam ends up coming by the house to give some meat to Alice (heeeeeyo) and Greg asks Sam for a job cutting meat. Alas, Sam says has already given it to Bobby. They're going to have to find another method to raise money. Greg asks Marcia about the job, and Marcia seems to be considering a career in porn after all. WILL SHE DO IT (as this is a porn, my guess is yes). She confronts her brother Greg on possibly dating Katie, and he retorts, "she might be a cheerleader, but she's also captain of the debate team". Good for her!

The girls end up washing a car with their boobs while their parents remark how their little babies are growing up. Alice drops a bombshell- apparently the girls have a lot of jelly toys in their room (including, incidentally, the first toy I ever had) while the boys are going through a lot of hand lotion... and not cause of dry skin. The parents seem relatively nonplussed by this though.
We then move to Cindy (Leah Luv) who has met a strange, biker-ish dude (Kurt Lockwood) who wants a $10 car wash. He sees her, though, and decides to offer her $200 for sex instead. "You're not a rapist right?" she asks, and he says "No! Do I look like a rapist?" so Cindy, satisfied, says "ok then!" and brings him to the den, where she proceeds to give him a blowjob. They establish VERY CLEARLY that she only LOOKS barely legal. It's pretty pointed in the dialogue, and I understand why- Cindy is an expert at playing the little girl and has braces. In fact I wonder if they made her grow out pubic hair in order to further establish she hit puberty. It's a little weird to watch.

Then we switch to Jan (Aurora Snow), who is "working on a school project" with Ramone (Tee Reel), who is apparently Katie's brother. They're working on this project in the back garden, not in the privacy of Jan's room like Alice says (?) but whatever porn logic! We get a long blowjob, complete with some balllicking, and it's all actually kind of sweet. There's a lot of kissing, some nice pussy licking... it's my favourite scene so far. The sex makes me wonder if no one looks outside into the garden because she's being pretty loud all things considered. But porn logic!

Jan and Marcia end up talking about Marcia's dilemma, and Jan gets to use the "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" line to reasonable effect.

SO now we go to Peter (James Deen), who is entertaining two girls, Ronique (Veronique Vega) and Alina (Paulina James), who want to show him their panties. Supposedly, their mothers bought these g-strings... I'm not convinced. I believe this is a ploy. This starts off a threesome of course, which, as my partner said, "there is something inherently perverse about sex in a room with a bunk bed". Yup. James Deen is, however, pretty good at threesomes, and is reasonably good at entertaining both girls at once. Multitasking!

Carol, having found naked photos of Marcia, wonders if she should be worried, or if she's a bad parent. Mike and Alice reassure her before Alice leaves to go bowling with Sam (we never see either of these porn legends naked, sadly, at least sadly to me). Mike and Carol are left to themselves in the house, and proceed to fuck in the living room. It's a nice scene with a lot of eye contact and it felt the most realistic, like they could in fact be a real couple. Something about Mike's face and noises, and the way Carol looks at him was lovely. There's some tittyfucking in there too, which I just don't think we see enough of.

Then the kids apparently get home. Marcia and Greg talk about pornos, and Greg says he thinks performing in porn is a great way to make some extra money. Marcia gets hit in the nose with a football, which spawns a dream sequence so she and Greg can "make a porn" to sell to that studio and so they get it on. I guess the fact it's a dream sequence is supposed to make it... better? I'm not sure. Anyway she regrets it, wakes up, and that's pretty much the end of it.

Throughout this porn there's some POV shots of the blowjobs, if that's something you get into. I'm not as into it, and sometimes they feel really disorienting to me because of the weird perspective. I'm sad that there's not really a lot of in-character banter, which is what makes the difference between a regular porn and a parody porn in my opinion.

In short? This is a better porn than a parody porn, and if you're creeped out by sexual ageplay, "Not The Bradys XXX" is not for you if you ask me. If you do like it, there's two four more.

Update: I have enough to buy my ticket but could still use help for transport!

I have not yet been to the The Feminist P*rn Awards. Thanks to a generous donor and Courtney Trouble, I have enough for the ticket but money is still tight for transport and food - I've been working non-stop to just pay rent and pull forward!

This is going to be a really good opportunity for me as a fat porn performer and as a blogger to get myself out there! As the adage goes, you need to spend money to make money, and I could really use the boost to let people know about this blog, the Consent Culture book, and my porn performances.

If you can help, please either sponsor my writing on Patreon, advertise on my blog (you can even be the solitary sponsor of my trip and get an advertising package!), or email me at purrversatility at gmail for other options.

In addition, if you donate $25 or above between now and March 15th, I can send you a free DVD with a thank you note and a signed photo! If you donate $50 or above during that time, you'll get a free 2 month membership to Crashpad Series, where I've appeared twice (and I'll still send a thank you and a signed photo!). 

Thanks to Pink and White Productions for offering these incentives!

I really appreciate any and all support- I'll be sure to take lots of photos and create some exclusive behind the scenes content!

Continuing the Sitcom Porn Parody series which you can find tagged above, I have watched "The Office XXX". It's a whitewashed version of the US show, to give you an idea of where it's coming from, as all the performers (as far as I could tell) are caucasian, and, of course, no gay male action. Sigh.

Regardless, I loved some of the shots, like one that peeks voyeuristically into the photocopier room through the blinds of the hallway- that made for a really sexy, can kind-of-see-but-not-completely feel that I found refreshing and exciting. I loved how they went from two women going at it on a table during a sexual harassment meeting (as a demo, of course) to the rest of the people in the meeting, who ranged from excited to blasé.

There's some particularly good pussy eating in this porn parody, particularly in the scene of I also liked that there was use of a rabbit vibe, which isn't the biggest, fattest dildo in the world... and that Ashlynn Brooke (playing office boss Michelle) moves the bullet vibe off her clit for more direct stimulation from her own hand. There's also a great pussy eating scene between a stripper and the receptionist, and I loved that the stripper had some pussy hair (and gorgeous natural boobs!) and some footplay, which you don't see every day. And strap on tittyfucking! And women biting ties! And freckled porn stars! Who doesn't love that?

The dryness of the dialogue really, really works here. In fact, it works so well I wish there was more of it. I found myself occasionally skipping the sex to get to more dialogue, something that i think one only does with porn if one watches a lot of porn. There's these great moments where the style of the show (the fly on a wall approach) and the deadpan lines are just perfect- like when one character, a Toby lookalike, is in the confessional and says, “Did Michelle just hold an HR meeting without me? (beat) The HR department?” It's just well-played throughout, and led me wanting more of that, less of the sometimes monotonous PIV sex. But, again, I watch a lot of porno.

The pairings:
James Deen, Jenna Haze
Ashlynn Brooke, Stephanie Swift
Dane Cross, Codi Carmichael
Gianna Michaels, Fay Reagan
Dahlia Denyle, Ralph Long, Rocco Reed
Alexis Texas, Mark Wood,  Ashlynn Brooke

It does make a huge difference to me when it's obvious the porn performers studied or knew the source material before shooting, and that's definitely the case here, at least when it comes to the way of delivering lines. I found it hard to always tell who was supposed to be playing whom, but it's been a while since I watched The Office. I think this was still a worthwhile watch and would recommend it to fans of the original show who also like some hardcore sex.

Look for tomorrow's installment, where we'll be watching "The Big Bang Theory XXX". God help us.

I really love parody porn. It's kind of my area, and has been ever since I saw "Pulp Friction" and "Pirates XXX"- there's something about knowing the source material and seeing the script adapted, sometimes really well, sometimes hilariously poorly, into a porn script.

Some things work a lot better than others- "Batman XXX" will forever be in my top 5 porns of all time, and "Rocki Whore" surprised me with its subtext and quality, while I thought adapting "Glee" into a porn made an already problematic show even more so (though the concept was good). So as I'm trying to get back into the habit of doing reviews, I figured why not start with one of my favourite things, and watch a porn parody?

I'm going to try to do a short series of porn parodies based off of TV sitcoms- today, I'm tackling "Scrubs XXX". In my queue: "This Ain't The Brady Bunch XXX", "The Office XXX", "The Big Bang Theory XXX", and more.

If you like parodies, and you like blowjobs, "Scrubs XXX" is the porn for you. There's a lot of time given to blowjobs, and a lot of creativity in how they're given, which makes it great for the blowjob connoisseur. There's also PIV sex, some anal, and even a bit of ass-to-mouth with enthusiastic-seeming participants, which makes it better.  Also, note the practical shoes -->

Because the set is playful and the sex fun to watch, I'd suggest this for those new to porn watching, and couples who like a laugh with their smut.

Pairings:
Joanna Angel, Alexis Texas, James Deen
Ralph Long, Missy Stone
Thea Marie, Shane Diesel
Tori Black, Jack Lawrence
Ashlynn Brooke, Kris Slater, James Deen

The thing that made this remarkable for me was how much people typically seemed to be enjoying themselves! There's some dirty talk, which I'm into, but I'm really into the banter, and there's a lot of quality mid-fucking banter that's endearing and hilarious all at once.

I also really love the negotiation happening during sex, through dirty talk, that happens a lot- "I want you to spread my ass open, yes, OH GOD YES LIKE THAT", which demonstrates how you can ask for what you want while still moving the sex along and making negotiation dirty. Yum.

The dialogue is decent, and made me laugh sometimes, but it definitely could've used a wittier writer to nail the same feel as the original material.  It has moments, though, that are fabulous and definitely on key- and the idea of making some of the porn scenes flashbacks was a good one.

It was also sweet to see Zach Braff talking about the parody on Jimmy Kimmel Live! I wondered if the female section of the audience cheered at Zach's photo, or the fact James Deen was playing him...

All in all? This was cute. I'd watch it with friends, the sex was fun to watch and I even got a couple of ideas. Also some of the best threesome work I've seen in porn, where everyone's getting attention at once, always a challenge. A fun romp.