So while the boy was here I insisted we sit down and watch "Lucky: A Woman's POV" sometime after the much-beloved "Batman XXX" one, both gotten from Good Vibrations. I find it amusing that sometimes I have to cajole the boy into watching porn with me- he's more easily bored of it than I am, though I think I watch it for entertainment and out of curiosity more than for erotic purposes. When I find a porn that turns me on, it's a pleasant surprise, not the rule. We sort of put off watching "Lucky" for a while, especially as we generally enjoy the more plot driven themed stuff. But this DVD surprised us in the end!

The general idea of "Lucky" is more of a documentary with a lot of hot girl sex thrown in. In Las Vegas for the AVN awards, Madison Young flirts and seduces Sarah Blake and Dylan Ryan, Scarlett Chaos and Kimberly Cline roleplay and use toys to come to orgasm again and again, and Akira Raine and Casey Grey get up to some wet fun in the shower, totally distracted from getting ready to go out. Rather than feeling like there's a scripted interaction going on, it felt more like peeping in on queer sex between these lovely ladies, which was much more interesting.

I wasn't sure how I'd feel about a woman's POV, especially one that felt a bit more casual in how it was done- cameras were handed off, sometimes back and forth between the girls as they played together. I actually really got off on the informality of it, because, like I said before, it felt a little like you were seeing something secret, something for them, not for you the viewer. I like that. I still prefer stuff that's a little more silly and costumed or whatever, but I would certainly wank off to this as well.

And the boy loved it! He really likes POV porn anyway, shaky cameras and all- he's more of a Xtube guy, while I tend more toward PornHub. "Lucky" was a good in-between for us. "I really like the intimacy that you get from hand-held POV stuff like you see in Lucky", he said, "it's a lot more intimate and exciting than, say, a more professional shot of someone showing you their pussy and asshole spread open. It's a much greater simulation of what it's actually like to fuck a girl! I mean, when I'm fucking you, often all I'm actually seeing at any one time is your face screwed up in pleasure, and hey, that was about one third of all the shots in this one, so that was really nice to see". Additionally, because it was just the performers, there was a sense of increased intimacy, and also, a sense that they were really having fun and doing the things they got off on, which we both really liked. And POV cunnilingus- totally fascinating to watch. Really unique and hot! The boy also loved how, since POV puts you in the action, how he felt like he was looking down at his pussy, watching a girl eat him out. Genderqueering for the win, I say!


The one thing you'll either love or hate is the amount of chit chat and hanging out, talking about the AVN awards. It makes it feel more like a documentary, for sure, and creates some non-sexual intimacy, like a video blog- but, if you're looking for just sex scenes, you'll want to fast forward through those bits.


Oh, the boy wants to add that there was a "REALLY HOT fat girl!" We both like variety in our porn, and like it even better when it's just there, and not made a big deal of/fetishized.


So yeah! "Lucky: A Woman's POV" was a sexy surprise, great for people who like their porn to feel a little more natural and a little less staged. Don't forget- US folks or people with an international DVD player might want the DVD, but you can get this for your Ipod or stream to own, along with some other immediate download possibilities! Grab it and other awesome sex toys, dvds and books at Good Vibrations.

So on Tuesday I brought the boy to the airport. He was off to London again, while I had to stay here, still uncertain about this visa I've been waiting on for, oh, a month now. Maybe mid October I'll have an answer. It was incredibly hard to say goodbye, not sure if I was going to see him in a month, a few months, a year. But we had an amazing visit while he was here- Burning Man with a herd of Unicorns, snuggling at Harbin Hot Springs, some hot play at Folsom I'll relate later, threesomes, Kinky Salon, all sorts of hijinks. Though some of the best time I spent with him wasn't the rush of parties and play, but rather the little things- sleeping next to him, having him make me tea as we checked email together, holding hands, kissing, his constant compliments that I love really but pretend to hate.

This isn't really about any of that though, nice though that is. I miss him terribly, but anyone within hearing distance knows that.

This is about what I did tonight.

I joined the 6 Feet Under Club.

I mean, I needed something to distract me from Lack of Boy, and when I said, "hey, do you mind if I have some sex in a coffin with this friend of mine?" he said "WHY AM I NOT IN SF RIGHT NOW" which is basically a yes. He is frightfully jealous, poor love, because he loves enclosed spaces and, well, he enjoys some sex, and sex in a coffin for two is right up his alley.

Now, to clarify- this friend I was playing with, R, she's been a friend for a while, and we've flirted about as long as we've known each other. But we've never gotten around to a date- she's busy, I'm busy and often in London, so it just got put off and put off and put off.

Until she asked me if I would join her for this Arse Elektronika experiment exploring private and public space. And how did they want to do this? By creating a coffin for two, with a night vision camera, burying it in a dumpster in SoMa, and recording/projecting the camera's visuals onto the side of a building, of course. I mean, what better way to explore what privacy means in an internet age?

I wasn't sure if I'd be in California when this was going on, so I hesitantly said yes, despite my fear of enclosed spaces. I wanted to challenge myself, and hell, this isn't on the purity test so it must be awesome. Plus I wanted to show off a little. Ok, I really wanted to show off. My inner child was and still kinda is a Gothlette, after all, so why not?

Well, thanks to the visa people taking such a long time to process my visa, I was here for it. So I asked her Wednesday if she was still up for it. She was. We made some preliminary plans, I discovered there were slots available, and started freaking out about what one wears to a first date where you're going to be having sex in a coffin. You know, the usual problem for a Saturday night. I decided on a sheer striped black slip, stockings, and, of course, no panties. For practical purposes. Coffins don't have a lot of wiggle room, after all.

So I laid all this stuff out, and then spent too long at a friend's house so rather than the slow, chill time I had planned to get ready and prepare myself, I found myself doing what I often do on Saturdays- grabbing my outfit and running out the door, sadly without any of my femme makeup. Or a vibrator. I did have condoms and lube, though- old habits die hard, I suppose. I decided, fuck it, it's a night vision camera, would it matter really if I had eyeliner on? Probably not.

I had promised dinner but ended up grabbing some Thai on the run, as opposed to the sit down leisurely dinner I had planned, due to traffic and my own rushing around like crazy. Oops. Still, I got some nice stuff, and she was happy to be fed, as was I. We wandered into PariSoMa right as the last panel discussion was wrapping up, a discussion about making spaces for sex, at parties, within rituals, and on the playa. Fascinating stuff. If you're into sex and technology and how they interact, I highly recommend checking out this conference, it's got some great stuff.  And the Monochrom kids are completely nuts. Read their blog and poke around their site, it's like if club kids were geeks... and Austrian.

Anyway, thankfully, despite my forgetfulness, I had picked a fabulous partner for the 6 Feet Under Club. R is well-versed in erotic film, and sex with girls, though not with coffin sex. She had brought a lovely dildo, condoms, two harnesses, vegan lube, and enough gloves to fist an army. This is one of many reasons why I adore her. We ate, and tiptoed to the bathroom- I could see through the window the dumpster filled with dirt and the coffin in the middle, waiting for the first victim/volunteers. It gave me goosebumps, and, well, some wetness between the legs. I'll admit it- I was scared, and it was hot as hell.

I decided that I needed to have a smoke, along with check out the coffin up close and investigate. It was satin inside, and cushy, with a comforter doubled up on the bottom and some lovely pillows for under the head. The camera was precariously perched on the ceiling right in the middle of the coffin- meaning, you either got visuals of the head, or the feet. Looking at it in person, 80x30x24 actually seemed kind of roomy, though that camera was going to take some manipulating around.

R and I started to discuss how we might position ourselves when a lady came by and asked if we were going in the coffin. When we replied to the affirmative, she asked for an interview. I said sure, cause, hell, my parents read this blog, and Grandma's pretty unlikely to watch SF Weekly videos. So she asked me why I was here, was I a necrophiliac, what made me want to do this, was I into Dracula, etc. There should be video of this so I'll update when that happens. So I did the interview, finding the whole thing wildly entertaining, and then went back to discussing logistics. One of the gravediggers gave us details about how it worked, that they'd cover the lid with dirt, and then give us a 5 minute warning via banging on the cover of the coffin. It was just R and I and another couple, and I felt a little disappointed.

Then, my girlfriend arrives, as does another friend who does fantastic paintings, who reassured me that a friend of hers who was an engineer had done the math and there'd be plenty of air to make it safe. I was so happy to see people I knew! Both of them were curious but not sure if they could follow through. I, meanwhile, took too long to get changed so had to wait for couple #1 to go first. In retrospect, I'm really glad, because it gave us a feel for what it'd be like, how to position ourselves, and how we wanted to deal with things like gloves and lube.

While couple #1 were getting it on in the coffin, one of their friends says something about how she's not sure how she feels about watching her friends having sex. It was interesting how I felt about that- namely, completely bewildered. I've met a good number of my friends at sex parties or other similarly charged environments, after all! It serves as a reminder that my life is not like other people's in many ways.

Oh, I forgot to mention the release form. It basically said that being buried alive is, well, dangerous, and not for people who are claustrophobic, afraid of the dark, have breathing issues, heart problems, etc. Amusingly, as it was being read out, the cops drove by, and waved. We waved back. Just another night in San Francisco I suppose, though I doubt they had any idea what we were up to.

"Don't worry," said Johannes, the Undertaker of the experience, "we have a permit. For the dumpster, anyway".

R and I happily signed our release forms and started getting ready- I took off my street clothes and slipped on my negligee, removing my panties (practical, remember?) while she strapped on her harness and got the safer sex supplies ready. I was pretty nervous, but way, way too excited to back out. Plus, remember, first date, and first playdate, with this hot woman I had been wanting to sleep with for a while- doing it in a coffin would be a memorable first time, though I'm not sure how I would top it next time around.

Couple #1 came out, safe, happy, and flushed. I gave my coat to my girlfriend and asked her to take photos of the night vision projection. They didn't come out very clearly, and keep in mind, the camera was positioned right in the middle so we had to maneuver around it. And yes, there is a recording of this, and we'll get it in a couple of days- I'll post it if I can (I am a show off after all).

The coffin was opened for us now, so I texted the boy to tell him I loved him, and stepped inside. I was surprised at how comfortable it actually was, though glad to have gotten rid of the satin barrier that was my panties. I settled in, R strapped her cock on while I lubed up my pussy, and we tried a few positions, finally settling with me on the bottom, slightly to one side, and her on top. We realized it'd be easier to insert the cock while the coffin was opened, so I put on some latex gloves to guide her cock in, and the door was shut.

It was dark in there. Really dark. And lying there, a cock in my pussy, hearing the dirt being dumped over the lid was incredibly sexy. We started kissing, gingerly at first, then more and more passionately as she started to fuck me. The confined space meant my left leg could only go up so far (I recommended afterwards that they install some rope foot loops to give some leverage), but it was far enough. With her cock hitting my clit as she slowly, then faster inserted herself, I was in heaven.

Together we freed my breast from my bra and she licked and sucked my nipple as she thrusted. We giggled, and I gasped a lot. It was cramped, so we had to change position a little to make it more comfortable, but it was incredibly erotic. The darkness, the blind reaching for each other, the sounds, the scent. Oh, the scent. A coffin fills up very quickly with the smell of aroused girl, that's for sure. Soon she was rubbing my clit while I grabbed her harnessed ass, and then her latex gloved hands were fingering me so expertly I would have squirted if I wasn't so self conscious about the next couple in!

I had been worried about the air, hot air being something that can trigger panic in me. It actually wasn't so bad, and, as I kind of guessed, being fucked while in that sort of confined space really makes you care less about claustrophobia. Instead I found the warm air to be even more sensual, and the satin against my skin made me tingle. 15 minutes literally flew by in a haze of moaning and building orgasm. "Bite my nipples, please" I begged R, and she did, making me go right to the edge. I came right before they opened the coffin to two panting, shaky women, and we scrambled up to a round of applause. Appropriately, we were told to bury our safer sex supplies in the dirt, so we did, and gratefully took the towels they provided for afterwards. My legs were wobbly, and my head, I think, was a bit out of it, as I tried to put my shoes on before my underwear, then thought better of it. After the sweating and the heat of the coffin, the cold night air in SoMa was rather shocking to the system. I kind of wanted to crawl back in.

We got certificates for joining the 6 Feet Under Club. I'll probably frame mine. I feel really proud that I did it in spite of my fear, and am still completely giddy. I even got to watch my girlfriend initiate my painter friend into her first bisexual strap on sex in 25 years, and also saw another friend and her boyfriend get it on. There was a hot gay couple I know from Burning Man as well, which was fabulous. I loved the variety of orientations and types of sex represented. Though, Monochrom, next time you make a sex coffin, let me give you some tips on where to put the camera for a better angle... and, yeah, foot loops. There's no traction, in a satin-covered coffin, and it's hard on the fucker to get enough oomph to really get going.

Would I do it again? Most definitely. I'm happy to have done it, and consider myself incredibly lucky to have had such a lovely companion for the experience. Though, as she said, next date, we're going to go for a place with pillows. And a shower. And, probably, more room.

I wanted to write this while it was still fresh, but it's 4am now, so I'm signing off. But yes, fucking in a coffin is dead sexy.

The boy and I went to Good Vibrations in Berkeley to pick up some massage oil after we discovered that, fun as the massage candles were ,they did solidify back into wax, and picking wax out of your pubes isn't the funnest thing ever. I've since learned you just have to use it sparingly, and then it'll melt into your skin beautifully... but we're impatient and so it's good to have options.

Anyway. We got to looking at the porn, like we usually do, picking some up, debating them, putting them back. Then the boy picked up The One. "Batman XXX". We had gone to Pedestal as Batman and Robin once, as the photo shows, and he has a huge hardon for the guy. So when we saw this... I swear his lip trembled and eyes glistened.

"Can... can we get this...? Please..?" he asked imploringly, and, well, since he recently grew out his facial hair and got some fake black rimmed glasses, his hotness was impossible to refuse. The girl at the counter nodded approvingly at our choice, saying she had quite enjoyed it herself. I didn't know at the time that Evan Stone was in it, but if I had that would've cinched the deal. I love everything Evan Stone is in. He's hilarious, and so not my type in any way.

So we got home, and we started watching. It's basically a parody of the 1960's Batman, from what I understand, though I haven't seen much of it myself. It's super camp, this porn, and fantastic good fun- I was surprised at the hot sex and the sense of humour that comes across during the whole thing. I adored the vintage lingerie and the 60's hair, and also really liked that the girls had pubic hair- trimmed and neat, but also there, which is great. I'm glad to see there's more pussy fuzz being shown in smut. I prefer it, personally!

I loved that when people were having sex, including oral sex, it seemed to actually be for pleasure- you didn't see every lick up close, sometimes legs or hands were in the way, which made it seem more natural- hard to do when everyone's wearing capes and spandex. Evan Stone as the Riddler is pure genius. Kimberly Kane was incredibly sexy, with her big eyes and jiggle in her behind. I really liked seeing rimming too, one of my personal favourite things.

And there were lots of amusing bits- Dale DaBone doing some 60's dancing and stroking his bat gauntlets, the Joker's whiteface over his moustache (exactly like the original, btw- the porn actor, Randy Spears, didn't have a moustache til he took the role), comic book popup sound effects when the fight scene happens, the sexy Tori Black as Catwoman.

But the thing that really did it for me was the completely adorable Lexi Belle as Batgirl. Oh my GOD she is the cutest thing ever! There's this great moment when Robin tries to cover her eyes when Joker gets it on with his two molls (Andy San Dimas and Syren Sexton, both pretty, slender girls with giant hairdos), and she waves him away saying “It’s hot!” Fabulous, truly. Lexi has great chemistry with James Deen, who plays the Boy Wonder.

I was really surprised at how sexy this was. I mean, I've seen a lot of porn parodies, and they're usually silly, not sexy. This managed to play pitch-perfect homage to the original Batman while maintaining some really amazing chemistry between the porn actors. The line "Holy threesome, Batman?" "Indeed" made me laugh. It was just good fun, and very enjoyable. Also, LOVED that the breasts were, as far as I could tell, natural, or damn good fakes. I'd definitely watch it again, and recommend "Batman XXX" to people who love comic books, the original series, or just porn parodies in general. Seriously, it's pretty hard to have sex with a cape on, and it's really funny to watch people struggle with it. Not that I have experience with that or anything.

Don't feel like just cause you can't pop down to a local Good Vibes you have to be deprived of this pleasure, btw- remember you can get this stream-to-own or as a Windows media download, too! And it's worth it- not just for the porn, but for the extras. Also, you can check out a preview here. I hear they even got the original Batmobile. Priceless.

So I was quite lucky and managed to get my gloved hands on a Little Death Ray- a steampunk-themed vibrator that's pistol shaped. Made by a carnal craftswoman going by Lady Clankington, this beauty was one toy I just had to have. I mean, I love steampunk, and I love sex, so how could I go wrong? I needed something to replace the hole in my heart caused by the fact I will never own an actual steam powered vibrator. I'm more accustomed to ones run on bottled lightning, as the boy puts it.


I ordered this before Burning Man, and was very happy to have it waiting for me when I got home. Taking it out of the box, it looks really nifty. I particularly like little details- you unscrew the halves to access the vibe if you need to clean it or change batteries, which is clever and keeps it sturdy. The website shows you how to do this before you order it, too, so you know what you're doing. Also, it has a teeny compass on the handle end, which is just, well, cute. And it looks lovely. You could leave this out as a piece of art, easily.  


As for the vibrator itself, it's got a good kick to it. I'm glad they made it a hefty sized pistol, as a smaller vibrator generally makes the sensation too buzzy and irritating for me. This was just right for clitoral stimulation. And, hell, I love gun play, so this is like a safer, sexy way to introduce that in a roleplay sense. And actually, the shape made it easier for me to use against my clit- never mind the obvious fun of pointing it directly at the boy's balls. Zzzzzzap!


I'm eager to dress up steampunk for Folsom this year mainly so I can show it off.


They come in gunmetal or bronze- they're made of acrylic, and each is individually altered. They all have numbers, too, 1-100- I got 9, my lucky number, so yay for me! The site says it's waterproof, though I haven't tested that yet. And if you get into too many duals with your weapon, never fear- you can get a replacement barrel in the right color. 

Not as into the vibrator thing? Well, soon enough there will also be a Butt Rogers Uranium Pistol which I can't wait to see! As the photo promises, it looks to be a thing of beauty much like the Little Death Ray. The triggers are non functional though- which is probably good because that makes them both easier to clean and less likely to break.


These awesome toys are all hypo-allergenic, phthalate free, latex free, and made of food-grade materials only. They also reassure us that Lady Clankington herself has tested the designs and they are functional and well-designed. 


They've already gotten some ::cough:: buzz online, so check out what other people are saying about them. I'm certainly looking forward to what other Carnal Curiosities might be down the line! I'm hoping for some holsters.


Til then, I may need to supplement my kinky steampunk kit with these beautiful cuffs and harnesses from Project Transaction, found at Wicked Grounds...

Well, as some of you know, a few weeks ago, pre Burning Man, we went to an ageplay party at the Citadel.

While I like some aspects of ageplay from the perspective of being the little girl, I've discovered that yes, I resent being the parent. As someone who has often been the responsible one who keeps things together, and, generally, the Top, I want space to be taken care of, not further role plays that involve me being a caregiver. I do not get anything out of caring for a child, whether a real child or an AB. I have no maternal instincts, and if it's not going to be sexyfuntime, I want to be given back something. It just feels like a drain to me.

I did not want to go to this party. I really didn't. But I put myself in a position where I didn't want to go and I didn't want to stop the boy from going, and I really didn't trust him enough to have him go on his own. I brought a book to read, and I tried to get into the swing of things, but was irritated by people talking in baby speak (hell, I was a pretentious child THEN) and felt incredibly out of place. I didn't feel comfortable talking to most of the people there because I felt like talking like I normally would might pull them out of headspace. I felt like I was an atheist at a psychic fair- trying to be polite but not feeling like I could engage on the same level.

I was still feeling pretty uncomfortable about the issues the boy and I had about the girl he played with in London. And I had told him for months it would be ok for him to get changed. It really wasn't. I felt ill for a few hours, dry heaved, so filled with jealousy and self-hatred and dismay that I spent the next week uncertain if he and I should split up. How could I stay if this was his fetish and I couldn't engage in it or let him do it with someone else? How can I compete with a slender, pretty and famous porn starlet who also adores AB/DL? It was really, really rough. And I'm still struggling with my feelings about this kink. I want to be ok with it, but ultimately, I have some internalized trauma around kids and caregiving and I'm just not ready to deal with it. I want to be the one pampered and coddled.

I worry that this will be the elephant in the room for a good long time. I can't ignore it, I can't pretend it doesn't exist, and I still don't know if there's anything in it for me. I feel stupid that my initial reaction to all this was that I had to be a top because there's too many bottoms and not enough tops, so I'd better fit into the economy accordingly. And I hate that on some level I wish it was something else, something we could share. When I played with the ageplay stuff, we did more kinky play- now that I'm not, it's kind of fallen to the wayside. I still love him, and our sex is still fantastic, but I miss the sadism and bondage and roleplay. Will I ever be able to wrap my head around it? Or will I have to let him go?

We haven't really talked about it all post BM. I don't know what I could possibly say. But this kink is still not sexy to me, it's just another opportunity for me to take care of someone else because I'm the top/I'm the responsible one/I'm the organized one/I'm the one with a job/a flat/a sense of direction. I feel punished for being pragmatic and reliable. How could I not resent it?

And yet...

What can I possibly do?

I know it's a bit strange to be a woman reviewing a men's masturbation toy, but you haven't met the Tenga Egg yet. If it wasn't for the lovely SubMission, I might not have been excited to give it a go. But thanks to her review, I thought I'd give it a go. Why?

Cause it comes in 6 different textured styles. And cause it can go on top of your Hitachi.

Yeah, basically, this is a brilliant magic wand cover made of elastomer. Technically it's for one use, but if you take good care of it, wash it well, and don't let your boyfriend steal it as a sleeve for him, you should be able to enjoy it for a while. It fits easily over the head of the Hitachi and gives the vibration a softer feel- not too gentle, but not rough on your clit, either. Very nice indeed.

Thanks to Good Vibrations, I tried the Wave style Tenga Egg. It was so innocently presented in a plastic egg- my grandma was all intrigued by it. "Oh, Kitty, you got a present! What is it?" After thinking for a while I went with the truth- "it's a sex toy, grandma." She didn't ask any further. However, this means that if you have such an egg hanging around your house, no one will think much of it- certainly no one would think it's a sex toy, so, it's discreet!

As a toy for the Hitachi, I found it pleasant against the skin, easy to put on and take off, and easy to clean. It definitely added a little something different to my masturbation, which is nice. I'm still in mourning for my poor late Wahl coil, which died, much to my dismay, after a particularly rough clit-rubbin' session. I love that the Wahl had multiple heads for different sensations, and particularly liked the suction cup one. The Tenga egg helped me recover from that loss, because it's opened up one thing I really like in a vibrator- variety. With 5 more textures to experience, I'll be kept pretty busy!

Deciding to let the boy try it for it's intended use, I gave it over to him. It took a bit of explaining, but he added some lube and wanked away. "Initially I was skeptical, but found it was pretty nice- it's soft, so I got to maintain a pretty tight pressure while still having that soft feeling. Though," he adds, "it's not going to replace my hand for all future masturbation sessions." So, again, if you seek variety, check one of these out.

I did make him clean it up after though. I plan to enjoy it again on my wand!

Give the Tenga a go here!

“So what do you do?” is a question I get asked a lot at the pub in London. Generally I size the person up and decide how far up the exposure scale I want to go (if you’re curious, from least to most intimate- blogger, sex blogger, sex therapist, dominatrix/escort, kinky interactive sex therapist). Usually I’ll go all the way, and say that I do hands on sex therapy with an emphasis on kink and exploring sexual arousal, offering a GFE, and they’ll look at me blankly, so I’ll laugh and say “I’m a dominatrix-slash-hooker with a psychology degree”. Then I’ll get the “o” of surprise, often closely followed by them sobbing into their pint and telling me their girlfriend never orgasms anymore. They’re a tightly wound bunch, the Brits. Thankfully I rarely get the "oh, that's terrible you have to do that!" or the rescuer type scenario.

Anyway, it’s not long til I drop the ultimate bombshell- that I have a boyfriend. That’s when things really pick up, almost always starting with the question “and he lets you do this kind of work?” After patiently explaining that, as a woman in 2010, no one “lets” me do anything, I also generally mention that we have an open relationship. “Ah,” the questioner says, half satisfied and half wistful. “That explains it then. So he gets his and you get yours, right?”

Well, no, not exactly. It’s not easy being a sex worker with a lover at home. If you have a really demanding client, you might want to just go home and play on the computer alone, or you might want to snuggle. Sometimes sex seems really trite. It can change from day to day. Sometimes I come back from a client and I’m really horny, sometimes I don’t want to be touched, or forget how to be touched. I want my partner to respect that my needs are variable and unpredictable- I do my best to communicate them, but I want him to do his best to honour them. The last thing you want is to go home, have your lover reach for you, and feel like you’re seeing another client- it takes a lot of work and communication to keep that from happening. Personally, I find that having special play that just happens between us helps a lot.

Add to that the fact I have an uneasy relationship to focusing on my own sexual needs as it is. For example- I really struggle to orgasm. 45 minutes and a hitachi will generally do it, after my wrist has gone numb. I joke that something’s wrong when the thing you yell when you cum is “FINALLY FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” I don’t really get wet for cunnilingus- it’s nice, but it won’t make me shiver. Penetrative sex is wonderful, and sometimes does it for me, but usually that orgasm is evasive. I squirt when teased by the right fingers, but... it’s still not the same delightful tingling feeling. The only thing that really makes me soaking wet is hurting the living hell out of my boy- one of the reasons my blog has the tag “sadist or serial killer”. So I’m pretty unlikely to go have incredible sex with some random person I pick up for a date, as much as I enjoy the novelty of it.

My boyfriend definitely separates work sex from fun sex, which is good. I don’t have to explain the difference. And he encourages me to go out and seek the fun sex I want. But, of course, I’m going out doing often emotionally intense sexual play to release and heal other people’s broken sexualities every day, so I don’t tend to want to go on a bunch of dates to meet someone to join our little poly clan. I occasionally sleep with friends- very occasionally, and that’s nice, and fun, and works, but I don’t know if I could emotionally support another relationship. So far, I haven’t really tried. It’s too exhausting, finding a lover who is queer, gets the work you do, and doesn’t care that you have a cismale partner.

I’ve had a hard time with maintaining relationships while being a sex worker. I’ve had a lover who was a client who then couldn’t handle that we met “at work”- he wouldn’t introduce me to his friends and generally acted ashamed of me and broke my heart. Or I’ve had lovers who felt that sex work was all well and good until it affected our sex life- if I wasn’t willing to perform they were out. My current boyfriend has been excellent at maintaining the balance, and not pushing. But now we get to the hard part.

Because of my work, I’ve always been in open relationships but rarely been a primary relationship. Potential dates had other lovers, partners, or work that kept the main focus away from me. This is the first time I’ve had a primary who also considered me their primary. And it’s really hard, because I haven’t explored a lot of poly pitfalls, like jealousy. I get terribly jealous, because I’m scared. What if he goes on a date with someone and decides he, too, can’t handle my work? And I get angry- as he doesn’t work, and I do, I have felt like his dating other people punishes me for being busy, or for not having the energy to go out with other people. And yet at the same I think “how can I possibly tell him he can’t sleep with other people when I do that for my job?” It’s a conundrum. When you have sex with strangers to pay rent, how do you make sure your partner/s feel special? Some workers avoid this by just not telling their partner about their work... I’m too worried about disease transmission to entertain that thought. So, we stick it through with the open relationship thing- currently we’ve decided to play as a couple and see how that goes, if that works as a compromise. I’ll let you know.

I don’t know if I have advice for anyone in this situation. I’m still figuring it out myself. But I’ll say this- if you are the partner of a sex worker, be compassionate and be present. We do complicated, emotionally draining work that involves a lot of physical touch and figuring out what people *really* want vs what they tell you. It’s stressful, and we react to that stress depending on how we’re doing with it. We might respond by being overly demanding about our needs. Be flexible with us. And if you are a sex worker- keep communicating, save money so you can take time off when you need to to prevent burnout, and take care of yourself. It’s totally possible to be a sex worker with a sweetie, contrary to what the media tells you- but it’s hard work. But then, aren’t relationships anyway?


(photo by Benjy Feen)

“Tight Places: A Drop of Color” is so incredibly hot. Porn showing queers of colour going at it with each other- how could you go wrong? I know one of my friends in London will really, really like the combination of diversity and queerness- but he'll just have to wait, as I'm not giving this up anytime soon!

I loved that the first scene with the amazingly sexy newcomer Brooklyn has Vai so wet she’s dripping, literally, all over the ground. Copious amounts of whimpering and squirt started this off on the right note, for sure. Yum. Add to that the playfulness and sweetness of Akira and Kohen, and then all the combos in between, and you have a really sexy porn with lots of delicious queer fucking.

I was really impressed with the chemistry the couples had with each other. Hearing them giggling and moaning interchangeably  was a huge turn on for me, and reflects sex I enjoy having and watching. I also really enjoyed the moments where the stars introduce themselves and say a bit about their experience with porn- it’s a nice way to connect with the people you’re watching.

The other thing I liked was the dose of kink- like when Vai is being fingerfucked by Brookyn while her face is in the toilet. Mmm. And I liked the tattoos and piercing- it really was a hot group of people. It did that thing I love in porn- made me feel like I was watching an intimate moment between a couple who really loved having sex with each other. I’m very glad to add this gem to my collection of queer smut.

Interested? You should be! Check it out at Good Vibrations, where you can get the DVD or download it straight to your computer, for my UK/European friends.

I'm going to Burning Man this year, and I'm going with a camp called Unicorn Ranch. I'm pretty excited- a lot of the friends I'm camping with are friends from Kinky Salon, and the unicorn theme? Fabulous! Also it's little things, like having showers, and a kitchen, and electricity... that's all really, really nice. Plus yes, I'm camping with the boy- a camp full of positivity and perkiness will make us or break us, I'm sure. We've been making up (I decided I loved him more than I loved being martyred), and we're going to have a long talk when he comes out to visit. Thank god he's been in deserts before and therefore will be accustomed to the heat and having to drink tons of water! I feel pretty confident that we'll have a great time- and I'm really glad that we both have places to go outside of camp if we need space from each other.

Thinking about unicorns made me think a lot about the ultimate unicorn- the hot bi babe who sleeps with couples. I am a unicorn- maybe an ex unicorn, if you only count single HBBs, and I loved being one! I really like hooking up with couples- I get to be with two people, usually a guy and a girl, so I satisfy my need for variety, and I've done it enough that I know how to make it fun for everyone, generally. At least, I know how to do that when I'm the unicorn, cause I'm the new shiny thing, and knowing that, I can make sure that everyone gets equal attention and thus has a nice time.

Ah. But. The boy and I are discussing having a rule for a while where we only play as a couple. And suddenly, I'm on the other side of that sexy equation- I'm the unicorn hunter. So now, it's all about finding that rare beast- the girl who's interested in playing with us both, who isn't too mental and who can communicate. Hahahaha! Yeah. Right. I mean, yeah, I like the idea of us playing as a couple, sure- but we've done threesomes before, and if we do a threesome with a girl, the boy gets a bit "ooooh shiny" and forgets about paying attention to me, and, well, often the girl doesn't seem that into getting me off, so I'm just enabling the two of them... and that sucks. I don't like the cuckold thing. At. All. At least when we played with another guy, the attention was on me, and that pleased the boy because he's not terribly into playing with men on his own.

So it's a complicated thing, this playing as a couple. I like queer women and genderfuckers- who, generally, aren't that into playing with cismen. Bi women are great, but more often than not are just "experimenting" and/or actually want the boy and not me. Not great. Or there's guys, which is awesome for me but not him. So yeah... I'm not really sure how this unicorn hunt will play out.

And then there's the fact that, like a unicorn, people tend to think I'm elusive- I guess I intimidate people. I organize events, I guess I hang with the cool people, so people assume I wouldn't want to be approached. But I desperately do! I don't approach people because I'm still nervous that they won't say yes- I've been fighting that tendency in the UK and frankly people think I'm hotter there so it's easier- in the US there's a lot of body fascism. So the boy gets asked all the time to play and no one invites me or asks me which makes me hate this open relationship even more.

But look. I make this clear sometimes, perhaps not clear enough- if I know you socially, especially if you're queer, and you think I'm hot, jesus christ already, SAY SOMETHING! ASK ME OUT or ask me to play! I might very well say yes. I never get asked and it sucks to volunteer or run a sex party where no one ever approaches you. You don't have to be some sort of magical being. It would just be really nice to be flirted with. Unicorns get lonely, too, you know.

"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead." -Angelus, from BTVS


My head is going a mile a minute. "He told me she wasn't into sex, she just wanted to make out and hold hands". "I can't believe I give him a place to stay and he uses it for sex with someone else." "He keeps saying he loves me and that he's sorry- is that enough?" "Am I completely crazy for being this hurt and angry?" "Should I break up with him?" "Should I stay and work it out?" "How dare he go out and have fun- he makes a mess and then leaves me to fix myself!""Don't be mad at her, be mad at him." "2 days. Seriously? 2 days was too long?" "I hate him for making me feel this way." "I still love him."


Maybe I'm not able to do this polyamory thing. I've wondered this before, especially while still reeling after the hellishness that was Toybox. Maybe I can't do it with him. I don't know.


I feel like I just started to trust him again- I had met up with them both for coffee to see how I felt, as as we walked away I said I felt awkward but that a date would be ok, just not sex. He reassured me then. But when he called and the first thing he said was "I just want you to know I love you best" I knew he had done something stupid. I didn't realize how stupid. I didn't realize that after I had helped set him up with a room in London away from his mother he repaid me by breaking our agreement with a friend of mine. 


I've been in this relationship before. 


The sex didn't go well. I'm not too clear on what exactly happened, who encouraged who, if safer sex was done or even necessary. I don't know how much of the details I really want to know. I know she feels terrible, and I'm trying not to be angry with her or feel even less comfortable around her. It's a personal prejudice, my suspicion of "the other woman", and I know that my agreement is with HIM and therefore he's responsible. It's not going to happen again, either way.


Now what to do with him. I mean, I feel pretty confident he really thought it would be ok. But he thought that because he conveniently forgot what I had told him. He broke the rules, and his first response was "well, you're sleeping with other people anyway". Actually, the only people outside of him I've slept with (all, what, 2 of them) have been clients. And even one of them just emailed to ask for my permission to see someone else for a handjob because he "doesn't want to be trained in cheating". Well done, reminding me that I never get asked out, and even when that rare moment happens that I do, I have sexless dates. Great for my self esteem. I'm too tired to keep this up.


The thing is, when we're at a party or event- no matter how cool I am, or how well dressed, no one approaches me. On good days I figure it's because of intimidation. On bad days I think it's because I'm hideous fat and gross. But everyone, seemingly, wants to sleep with the boy, who is still pretty new to sluttiness and definitely naive about relationships. It sucks. I hate feeling like I can't trust him have to check up on him- but if I don't he breaks my boundaries. Are relationships like this? Can we conquer this again? Do i want to?


I need to figure it all out. He comes in 10 days. I'm hurt, and I love him, and my trust is gone. I want to reach out to him, and I want to never speak to him again. Why did he have to do this? ::sigh::


Am I ever going to be someone's girlfriend, not just their GFE..?