old reliable

Well, as some of you know, a few weeks ago, pre Burning Man, we went to an ageplay party at the Citadel.

While I like some aspects of ageplay from the perspective of being the little girl, I've discovered that yes, I resent being the parent. As someone who has often been the responsible one who keeps things together, and, generally, the Top, I want space to be taken care of, not further role plays that involve me being a caregiver. I do not get anything out of caring for a child, whether a real child or an AB. I have no maternal instincts, and if it's not going to be sexyfuntime, I want to be given back something. It just feels like a drain to me.

I did not want to go to this party. I really didn't. But I put myself in a position where I didn't want to go and I didn't want to stop the boy from going, and I really didn't trust him enough to have him go on his own. I brought a book to read, and I tried to get into the swing of things, but was irritated by people talking in baby speak (hell, I was a pretentious child THEN) and felt incredibly out of place. I didn't feel comfortable talking to most of the people there because I felt like talking like I normally would might pull them out of headspace. I felt like I was an atheist at a psychic fair- trying to be polite but not feeling like I could engage on the same level.

I was still feeling pretty uncomfortable about the issues the boy and I had about the girl he played with in London. And I had told him for months it would be ok for him to get changed. It really wasn't. I felt ill for a few hours, dry heaved, so filled with jealousy and self-hatred and dismay that I spent the next week uncertain if he and I should split up. How could I stay if this was his fetish and I couldn't engage in it or let him do it with someone else? How can I compete with a slender, pretty and famous porn starlet who also adores AB/DL? It was really, really rough. And I'm still struggling with my feelings about this kink. I want to be ok with it, but ultimately, I have some internalized trauma around kids and caregiving and I'm just not ready to deal with it. I want to be the one pampered and coddled.

I worry that this will be the elephant in the room for a good long time. I can't ignore it, I can't pretend it doesn't exist, and I still don't know if there's anything in it for me. I feel stupid that my initial reaction to all this was that I had to be a top because there's too many bottoms and not enough tops, so I'd better fit into the economy accordingly. And I hate that on some level I wish it was something else, something we could share. When I played with the ageplay stuff, we did more kinky play- now that I'm not, it's kind of fallen to the wayside. I still love him, and our sex is still fantastic, but I miss the sadism and bondage and roleplay. Will I ever be able to wrap my head around it? Or will I have to let him go?

We haven't really talked about it all post BM. I don't know what I could possibly say. But this kink is still not sexy to me, it's just another opportunity for me to take care of someone else because I'm the top/I'm the responsible one/I'm the organized one/I'm the one with a job/a flat/a sense of direction. I feel punished for being pragmatic and reliable. How could I not resent it?

And yet...

What can I possibly do?

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