"Sex positive community"?

I'm calling you out.

Something that has always bothered me is how the "sex positive community" has responded to openness about STIs. We claim, as a community, to value honesty, upfrontness, and safer sex- and yet I can't recall the last person who, before asking me on a play date, mentioned that they have HPV or herpes. And frankly? That's statistically improbable, if not impossible. And guess what? Condoms don't protect against these things, so the sex positive community version of safer sex (which, in practical terms, usually filters down to "using a condom for penetrative sex vaginally or anally") doesn't do much. And have you heard about trichomoniasis? That can spread with vulva to vulva contact, along with the expected unprotected sex. It's a parasite. And, likes herpes and HPV, they usually won't test for it unless you ask/demand it- men almost never have symptoms, and women only sometimes.

So basically, what I'm saying is SOMEONE probably should've said "hey, I have ____ by the way". But magically, in my multiple years in this "sex positive" community, the times I've been told about an STI or unsafe sex creating a risk? I could count them on both hands. I doubt those are the only times there's been a possibility of transmission. So what's going on, guys?

I think that in spite of our desire to be open about these things, as a community, we still shun those who have an ongoing STI. I think it's still scary for us, the idea of having something for the rest of our lives, something that we can transmit to others. I'm a child post-AIDS scare, more in the world of HIV awareness, and I wonder sometimes if there's a carefree attitude that comes with not seeing people around you dying of a sexually transmitted infection of some sort. And yet I'm concerned that it seems this community is blasé about safer sex risks until someone says "by the way, I got tested and I have HPV"- and then, slowly, politely, but inevitably, the play dries up for that person, they don't get invited to the parties, they're shunned. So no wonder they don't say anything if they have something. It's not right, or ethical, but it kind of makes sense. We don't reward honesty.

And yet I've seen people squirt all over a bed with no care for the mess and the risks involved, or give oral sex to someone they just met (even more than one person in a row), or finger someone and then reach for the bowl of condoms. What's up with that?

I remember a group called "I Got Tested", the idea being that it was a place for people to talk about safer sex, talk about getting tested and the results, and alleviating some of that fear with up to date information. And even there, I see posts about how to alleviate "safer sex fatigue", or people suggesting that since 7 out of 10 people have HSV1 it's ok not to mention it. And when it comes to some of the harder stuff, like how to deal with being out about having HIV and yet being bisexual or a swinger or poly or kinky, there's no comment or the comments had to be provoked. Again, what's going on?

Well, I've had enough of this silence. I'm a sex worker, for fuck's sake. I have to be on top of ALL and ANY risks all the time for the sake of myself, along with my lovers and clients. I assume that everyone has everything unless they've proven to me otherwise- and you know what? There's a LOT you can do with that! Having an STI doesn't make you a leper. Safer sex is hot sex, people- dental dams, condoms, gloves- these things are fun to use, when you know how to use them and experiment with them. Can we stop treating these things as inconveniences? I was so angry when Fetlife said about filling in your password "it's like condoms, annoying but necessary". WTF? Can we turn this fear-mongering among our own people around, please, for all our sakes?

So I'm issuing a challenge. A call to arms. Get tested. Tell them you are a needle sharing sex worker who sleeps with HIV + men if that's what it takes to get them to test for everything- and insist on herpes and HPV tests. When you go to a play party, bring your own condoms, lube, gloves and dental dams. Volunteer to use them- hell, make them sexy to use (just make sure your lover doesn't have a latex allergy- extra points if you have safer sex options for that instance too). Don't get too intoxicated at parties and then say "oh I'm sure it's ok" instead of being upfront. Bring it up casually when you're interested, instead of waiting until things are hot and heavy. Even better, make talking about testing, status and safer sex part of your sexy foreplay.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I give uncovered blow jobs or cunnilingus. I have unprotected sex with the boy when on hormonal birth control. I keep up to date on what the risks are of these activities and I get tested every three months. Yes, something could slip through the cracks- but because I tell prospective lovers about my work, when and how I have unsafe sex and how I have safer sex (along with the practices of my lovers, which I know and can tell in detail if needed), the results of my testing, what I get tested for, and when I got tested last, my prospective lovers can decide if my risk assessment works for them or if it doesn't. We can negotiate. Hell, I had chlamydia once and it's now just that bit easier for me to catch an STI- I tell them that too.

Risk assessed safer sex CAN ONLY HAPPEN when everyone is comfortable demanding FULL testing, saying what their status is freely without fear, and everyone can give INFORMED CONSENT. Get it? If you're not doing these three things (and you know if you are or not) and expecting it in return, then you are not giving people the chance to give informed consent to what you do. You're removing their agency.

And that's not sex positive.

So, let's step it up. We're better than this. Aren't we?

I have never owned a rabbit vibrator in my life. I've seen the Sex and the City episode, of course, and I've had lots of vibrators of all kinds. Hell, my first vibrator was a Squiggle-Wriggle Writer when I was twelve, if anyone remembers those! And I had a similar style of vibe, but really thick, and light up, and impractical... and, of course, without the iconic bunny. There's loads of different kinds now- the traditional style with a separate battery pack, the bullet style, and the super sleek abstract style, to name a few.

Babeland asked me if I wanted to give the Elastomer Rabbit Habit a whirl, and I said "hell yes!" I've been meaning to check one out for a while to see what I think of them. I'll admit- I was a little apprehensive, as I can be a sex toy snob and the rabbit seemed... well, normal. I mean, SinC, am I right?

This toy had two very different components. And, on my body at least, I couldn't get the full effect of either component at the same time. Frankly, that's just as well, because this baby was INTENSE. When I tried using both bits at the same time I squealed and scooted across the bed.

The idea of a rabbit vibrator is that there's a vibe bit, often with a separate control, that stimulates the clitoris, attached to a shaft that has pearls in it to stimulate the opening of the vagina, which can be very sensitive. This particular rabbit had pearls on tracks, so they rotate consistently and have their own control, so they can go as quickly or as slowly as you like. Then there was the rabbit itself, an incredibly powerful bullet wrapped in elastomer in the bunny shape, with ears that caress your clit. Again, it has an adjustable speed, so you can have a slower vibe or a quick and very intense one!

I found the highest setting on the bunny bullet to be WAY too much for me, but the lower settings were glorious, especially with the ears against my clit and the nose for pinpoint sensation. The one thing I struggled with, though, is that if I could feel the pearls in my vagina, the bunny was too close to my clit for me to feel comfortable- it was just too much. Every woman's physical makeup is different, however, and I think it's definitely worth a try.

Having used one of these rabbits, I can see how they appealed to so many women. By combining two toys into one, it gave many women a jumping off place for discovering what they wanted from a sex toy- clitoral stimulation, insertion, or both. And because the two bits are controllable on their own, that makes it easier to isolate what exactly you enjoy. However, using the bunny ears and the internal stim at the same meant that the vibration was lessened in both (one battery pack to control two motors, so not surprising really).

The Elastomer Rabbit Habit is latex and phthalate free, unlike some other Rabbits, so it's safe for those with sensitivities. It doesn't have a weird smell, either. It's a nice toy, though a bit big to hide easily under a pillow or in a drawer!

This is a great foreplay toy for me, though I have to admit giving my boy access to a rabbit for use on me was not the best idea (it's kind of hardcore for partner play, cause the controls are a bit touchy). I'd definitely recommend having it in your toybag, because it appeals to so many women!

Hop down the bunny trail with the Elastomer Rabbit Habit from Babeland today!

So on Saturday, it was my 27th birthday. Sometimes this is really hard for me to believe- I still feel a bit like an 18 year old, or sometimes, like I'm 40. I've been called totally immature and an old soul. Maybe both are true. Maybe neither. But each year I'm happy to be older, to have more experience and life under my belt- I hope I maintain that joy my whole life.

Grandma was away, which meant I could have people over. I haven't had a party at Grandma's house since I was 20 or so! I got a little frantic about decorating, but we had some fun with netting, my ocean themed stuffed animals, some big underwater cutouts and some seashells- I had a uniform theme party, Ms. Stryker's 27 Person Salute, and I was a sailor girl! The boy also had a sailor outfit and we looked adorable together. We made strawberry and lemon cupcakes, which were delicious, and sat down to wait.

It was maybe an hour after the start of the party before anyone showed up, but then, wow! It was a huge number of people from all the various areas of my life, which was really flattering and fun. One friend brought his big bus to park out front as a portable smoking lounge, which was kind of great. We watched Mash XXX    and Glee XXX, giggled, drank, and indulged. It was really fun.

As per usual, I realized that I don't do well trying to throw my own orgies. If it's a big event, with a budget, and lots of people, I'm golden- but if it's for me? Terrible! I get distracted with the hosting, stressed by the setting up, and worried that my guests don't feel like I'm paying enough attention to them. So I end up not doing anything sexual, or not much, and just encouraging others. I become a cheerleader. And don't get me wrong, that's really fun! But...

Year 27 came with a lesson. I no longer need many sexual partners to feel sexually complete or fulfilled. My nonmonogamy comes from giving my heart to more than one person who I really care deeply for- not because I want to spread my seed. In fact, I want the opposite. I want intimacy, closeness, love- if I want to get off, I'm more likely to wank!

And I'm glad. I used to be a massive slut as a way to deal with my insecurity around my body and my ability to please and keep a partner. I no longer worry about that. I worry more about if I'm really learning the lessons the universe tosses my way, but I think this party really let it sink in- I'm happy with my boy. I'm happy with my ponychick. I enjoy flirting and occasionally fucking other people, but generally- sex is special, and I want it to be special. I'm already picky about my clients, and I'm picky about who I have involved in my life, and I want to keep that up. I don't ever want to make someone feel google-calendared into my life, and I don't want that done to me. I do really think I can be happy with nonmonogamy instead of poly or mono,

Now, I totally have tonsillitis. Ugh! It's all soup and tea and resting. But thankfully I have the boy here to make me hot things and set up my humidifier and clean up the house and cradle my drooling head. Ah, love, eh? And fuck this post birthday illness. But I can't wait to get back to the UK, esp since I'll be looking at new rooms in better areas for me. Fingers crossed. 27? You're gonna be a good year. I can tell.

So apparently I didn't write down resolutions for 2010, so I have no idea how I would've done on them. God knows 2010 was a rough year for a lot of people though!

First, I should write out what I did this year... it's been pretty intense:

-Went to Vegas and got kicked out of Circus Circus for wearing clownface.
-Closed my eyes, jumped... and hit the ground hard. Ouch. But due to that also met the boy... <3
-Founded Kinky Salon London with a crew of amazing folks to great success.
-Got a room of my own in London!
-Was interviewed in a few magazines (Time Out being one, though also Closer and the Sunday Sport)... and a documentary aired with me in it on Current!
-Won an erotic award for Ladies High Tea and Porn as innovation of the year.
-Brought the boy to Burning Man for the first time.
-Explored the world of ageplay, with both excited and squick reactions.
-Had sex in a coffin!
-Learned a lot about my limitations with nonmonogamy, relationships, and jealousy.
-Started writing at Carnal Nation, She Loves Sex, and Good Vibrations Magazine. Also started doing sex toy and porn reviews.
-Finally went to the Upper Floor.
-Watched proudly as my boy served at a formal dinner for the first time.
-Did some porn myself with the lovely Kelly Shibari from Padded Kink, even a couple with the boy!

It's been a busy year. Intense in a lot of ways. Emotionally up and down, a lot. But I feel pretty firmly like I'm grown a lot this year- I've started pursuing a career in sexuality with more focus and drive, I've had a hand in creating an amazing London community, I've met my lovely boy, and I've gotten out of a bad situation. Live and learn.

So what are my resolutions for 2011?

-Create a website for Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society to take it the next step
-Create some proposals for classes I could teach- perhaps on sex party etiquette?
-Cut out bad energy in my life- I've started, but should keep this up. And don't try to contact them in moments of weakness!
-Cut down on cigarettes and move to an electronic cigarette- try to have this fully transitioned by 2012.
-Do a queer porn- possibly in London- and maybe submit one to the Good Vibes Film Fest.
-Try to get at least three things published in print.
-Sort out a place to live, whether in the UK or US, and stay there.
-Visit at least one new place in Europe.
-Repair friendships that have been banged up a bit.

Let's see how this goes!

Christmas!

I love Christmas. And it seems somehow fitting that my 300th post would be one in which I discuss how my holiday went.

First, the boy and I went to Wicked Grounds formal holiday dinner- I came as a patron, and he was one of the sexy servers. The only boy server, actually, which made me proud. We had an amazing meal, really lovely and filling and heartwarming, and I loved watching him hustle about getting orders and serving the meal. I was delighted when Midori mentioned how he had done a good job, because it was his first time serving publicly and service is more my kink than his (that said, as I write this he's tidying up the bedroom and doing laundry. I have such an amazing boy).

I was so proud, in fact, and turned on, that I was pretty wet when I got home. So I told him to strip and lie on the bed. I cuffed his hands with the sutra cuffs, and kissed his chest, nibbled at his nipples and ran my fingers down his sides. His cock hardened significantly- he's always hard when I touch him, but tonight he was straining. I smiled and opened my mouth to take him in. I don't suck cock terribly often, but tonight I craved feeling him in my mouth and writhing under me. I wanted him to feel rewarded for his service by doing something just for him- and he was surprised and, I think, excited to receive the attention.

I got mine too, don't worry- once I released him he was all hands, making me squirt. Yum. ;)

Anyway. After that, I suddenly felt really... nurturing. So I told him to get into his Batman onesie so I could read him a bedtime story. He hesitated, visibly worried that if he got too excited I might change my mind. But I really wanted to take care of him. I think it's because he spent hours doing something I love, something that really turns me on, and I wanted him to know how proud of him I was. So I nodded, and helped him into his onesie, and he snuggled into me for a story.

Granted, neither of us was sleepy, after that, and there may've been some naughty Mommy/boy play, which was surprisingly enjoyable for us both. I wonder if it's the diapers in particular that trigger me, as he didn't have any and so we did without. It'll take more experimenting I'm sure. I expect it also helps that I initiated it!

Anyway. Christmas Eve was spent with chosen family, eating Mexican food and drinking sangria. It's not been a part of my holiday tradition normally, but I may need to change that! Tamales for Christmas Eve is nommy. We still had the traditional clam chowder, too, but guac and cheese dip.... oh yes. The boy let me open one of my presents early so I could go in my new cat kigu- with my boots on, I was Puss in Boots, hee hee! Plus it was just really nice to see a bunch of my friends Christmas Eve. On the way home we drove around a bit to admire a huge area of lumieres lit up- so pretty.

Then Christmas Day we woke up at 6am or something- we're both like giant kids so we opened our stockings all bleary-eyed and cranky. In between stockings and tree presents, the boy went to trim his beard and ended up accidentally shaving it off, much to my dismay. I was kind of upset- I find the beard really suits and makes him very hot- and he was upset and we had a bit of a spat, but that resolved and we moved on to the more pleasant opening of gifts.

The things I'm really excited about is the Octopussy and the Understudy kit so I can mold a dildo with the boy's cock- yay! I also love the bat kigu my grandmother got me from Bunnywarez, and this scarf with a happy and a sad cloud on it, and dirt-scented perfume, and all sorts of fun little things. I will say- bacon jelly beans are a fun novelty but a terrible flavour!

After the presents, we went over to Wicked Grounds for snacks, coffee, games and piercing. Thanks to Bad Mouse M, I was made into a pretty bird- I loved having feathers decorating me! I can't wait to do more with wings and decorations. There's more photos of this on my fetlife profile. But it was very very fun. I love needleplay.

Then we went to the House of Yay for Christmas dinner- ham, and salmon, and crusty bread with spinach dip, and all sorts of cookies and cake and pie. Yummy! We filled up, chatted with people, and indulged in the white elephant present exchange- I got a pill cutter (?) and the boy got a Japanese South Park dvd set. Interesting... it's always fun though, I enjoy the mystery and the gift exchanging.

So that was Christmas! We spent Boxing Day resting in kigus and watching TV after having brunch with a lover of mine. I'm ready to sleep for a couple of days.

I try to do something different every year.

The first year, I just did a holiday pinup shoot, an example of which is here- red and white lingerie, tinsel as a boa, suggestive mistletoe placement, wrapping my lover-at-the-time's cock in the tinsel for some cocksucking photos. I remember giggling that he used the tinsel to decorate his room for the holidays afterwards. I wore my Christmas collar, too.

It was cute, and good fun, but not very well executed. The holiday hints were there, but the lighting wasn't that great. Still, I have to say- having photos taken by someone who finds you attractive makes a lot of difference in how those photos look!

So, the next year, I was in California.

I was bored, Grandma had left, and suddenly I thought "photo shoot!" So I posted on Twitter, asking if someone would be available to do a holiday photo shoot with me. I got two offers- the delicious Brody, who took these awesome photos of me, and the lovely Benjy Feen, who I knew as a part of my community. Benjy could come over the next day, so we scheduled- then I freaked out. What to wear??

Obviously, a reindeer outfit.

The reindeer shoot ended up being pretty popular, which makes me giggle. I loved doing it! The makeup came across really well, and the antlers were perfect.

Having the holiday photos done by a professional made a huge difference. The lighting is quite obviously better, for a start. Benjy was a joy to work with, too having done fetish modeling before, I'm pretty aware of how some photographers push boundaries, and I've always felt comfortable working with Benjy. I think that comes across, too- I have a lot of fun and creative input, and the photos look fabulous because of it!

Plus, I have a long standing love of ponyplay- so reindeer play seemed like it was an obvious choice for the holidays. Hooray for reindeer games!

So this year, I wanted to continue the tradition. Luckily, Benjy was available- and this time, I had a special prize- my boy. So, I decided I wanted to do a shoot that was suitably couple-y without being trite...

Can you say "O Christmas Tree"? ::grin::

He looks pretty as a tree, no?

Getting the topper on was really, really hard! And the piercings were fun- first time we've played with needles together. I love the whore red lipstick, and holding the snowflake between his lips!

He's such a sweet boy. I love that, pretty much whatever I ask, he's up for it. ;)

I will say, though- Christmas bulbs need to be small and light, if using them for decorating a boy via needles. I sterilized the hooks before hanging them off of the needles, but definitely be careful! I think if I were doing this again I'd pierce at a slant for better resistance to the pulling down of the bulbs.

Also, say yes to tinsel shibari.

Without further ado, here's a selection of the unedited photos Benjy took.

Ok, so, I need to split these into two categories- toys/lubes from Babeland I like the look/idea of, and toys I've been introduced to this year. Because there's quite a few that I've had to go "oooo" over!

First, how about 3 toys I'm excited about:

The Octopussy Dildo

I cannot possibly express how much I need this dildo. I need it, though. It's pink. It's a tentacle. And it is SO FUCKING COOL!

Made of boilable Pyrex, this toy is sterilizable, which is pretty good. Also, it means you can either heat it up, or cool it down in your freezer to create a multisensory experience. Also note the fantastic handle that curls ever-so-delicately around your fingers, making this perfect for partner play!

The JimmyJane Form 2

This toy has been all over the sex toy review blogs. I'm saving up for one, myself- I love the idea of the two different motors, one in each ear, that'll allow you to enjoy fluttering vibration on each side of your clit. Yum.

Did I mention this is waterproof? And rechargeable? Cause it is, which means you can take the Form 3 with you wherever you go. Small enough to travel with, and discreet enough to look like some trendy desk toy, there's a lot of power in this baby.

The Sphere Couples Vibrator

Seriously, guys. Seriously. LOOK at this thing! Not only is the design fantastic, it's the perfect couples vibrator, with one for each of you!

The black half apparently offers five vibration modes, while the white half gives you five distinct speeds. The velvet-coat ABS plastic pieces are designed for external stimulation, but there's no reason why you couldn't try it for your g-spot too. And again, cleverly disguised- you can have this out without feeling embarrassed if you get a surprised visit!

And let's end with 3 toys/lubes I can personally recommend:

The Gigi Vibrator

This is probably my #1 toy discovery of the year, though it's been around for a bit. The curve on this toy is delightful for self-stimulation of the g-spot, and it makes for sexy couple play if you want to help a lover discover it with you.

It's made of silicone, charges via the wall, and gets 2 hour playtime. I love the vibration settings particularly, though you do need to spend a little time to acquaint yourself with the button settings. Also, Gigi comes with a pretty little storage bag!

The Wand Controller

I reviewed this toy rather recently but I am totally in love with it. I adore my Hitachi Magic Wand, but the two settings left me either on the edge or literally slapping feeling back into my cunt. The wand controller was a godsend, giving me a range of vibration intensity to play with. It was like having a new sex toy.

In addition, the wand controller adds another 6 feet to the cord of the Hitachi, which is pretty nice. It's pretty easy to manage, just plug and play!

Sliquid Sassy Booty Formula

This is a really lovely lubricant. I have issues with lots of lubes- as I don't get very wet, many of them get too sticky for practical purposes, while others make me feel unpleasantly itchy due to the glycerin. Well, this lube is happily glycerin- and paraben- free! In addition, the thick formula stays right where you put it- something really important for anal play.

Also important, it's vegan, gluten-free, and not tested on animals.

So, that's my picks for Babeland toys to check out and play with from 2010. What will 2011 bring? Stay tuned....