So I've done a little bit of lecturing and workshopping, mostly on enforced feminization in female sex work and porn consumption. And I've been asked if I wanted to run classes and workshops in other venues.

But I'm not entirely sure what people would want to explore, and I'm not entirely sure how to go about it- should I try for a sex toy shop? Should I do it privately? Small groups or larger? General public or just friends?

In order to better figure this out I've put together a survey- if you can, I'd love for people to weigh in on this! Thanks in advance.

Click here to take survey

Novelty vibrators are kind of a favourite of mine- having already reviewed the "Man Eater from Outer Space" and the silicone rose vibrator, I was excited to give Frisky from the Bzzz Buddies a go when Good Vibes offered to send me it!

Basically, Frisky is a pocket rocket with a cute top- kind of like the Hello Kitty vibrator, mixed with the Littlest Pet Shop. I mean, look at those eyes!

I love pocket rocket style vibrators generally- they're small, they're uncomplicated, and they do the job (the vibration on these babies are pretty intense for the size!)

Plus, they only take one AA battery, which is nice if you (like me) never know where you put the batteries. A rechargeable battery (like a USB one) would make this a pretty ecologically sound toy, and great for travel.

Frisky comes with 4 interchangeable plastic tops to put on the end, along with the usual 3 metal bumps. Not all of the tops are ideal for use on the pink bits, but they'd be great for massage use, especially underneath the shoulder blades.

The Bzzz Buddies all come with a rounded tip, a tip with six flat bumps, a tip with a few pointy bits and a tip with many pointy bits. Of all of these, I personally preferred using this toy without the caps, just the metal bumps against my clitoris, though everyone has different things they enjoy and it's fun to try a few different sensations.

Of course, you can also turn tis toy upside down and use the cat end for stimulation instead- I preferred the back of the head,, though delicate application of the ears could give some really precise pinpoint sensation.

Frisky is made of pink ABS plastic, but from personal experience these are not the easiest toys to clean in spite of being non-porous because of the various seams and crannies. A toy cleaner or toy cleaning wipes will be the best way to keep them tidy for the next use. Being plastic, however, means you can use any sort of lubricant with it, which is nice if going from using it as a massage toy to a genital one in the same session!

You only get one vibration speed with this toy- it's on, off, or open to get at the battery- but the vibration is pretty powerful for such a small toy. I would rate it a 3, 3 1/2 out of 5.

Now, at first glance, this is a great toy to give to someone who is intimidated by sex toys- it wouldn't be too unwieldy to use with a partner, it's unthreatening, not phallic, and good, middling vibration to experiment with. But there's one issue with that.

The EYES.

Look at the eyes!

You're just finding your own business, having a nice wank, when you look down between your legs to see the SADDEST EYES EVER looking at you mournfully, as if saying "why? why do you do this to me?"

Seriously.

Here's a close-up of those sparkly sad anime eyes.

It's a little... disturbing, actually. The boy couldn't even meet those eyes! But I'm obviously a sick twisted person because I didn't let that stop me at all. I'm going to burn in hell, obviously.

But, if you live with other people, the size, quietness, and, well, gosh darn cuteness of the Frisky Bzzz Buddy makes it a reasonable purchase, especially if you want a vibrator that can be used seriously but be taken less seriously- like for a bridal shower, say.

And there's other animals, too! I was hoping they would have Inkee the Octopus (on the Bzzz Buddies site) but no, that's apparently in the works. Til then, there's Shivers the polar bear if the cat Frisky doesn't strike your fancy.

A pocket rocket was my first vibrator, and I recommend them for people new to vibrators, who travel a fair bit, or who enjoy having things that're cutesy. I really like mine for the possibilities of introducing it into Daddy/little girl play, personally!

This toy is also supposedly waterproof, though I'm a little nervous taking it into the water. I'd suggest considering it a water resistant toy instead, potentially usable in a shower but maybe not in the bathtub.

Also keep in mind that you can use this toy with an attachment like a bunny sleeve, which allows for a really nice sensation all around the clitoris. I store mine in a little black baggie, which then allows me to keep all the ends in with it and my bunny sleeve.

See for yourself if Frisky is the cat's meow (see what I did there?) by ordering one from Good Vibrations!

Miss Penny Barber, AB/DL afictionado, pro-Domme and excellent writer, has just written a fantastic article on the question "how much should you pay for sex" over at the Good Vibrations magazine. 


I occasionally get clients who try to haggle me down from my prices, or who don't understand why I ask them to pay for the incall space. But the fact is, there are clients who treat sex worker time as not as valuable as their own- and if they don't show up, I could be 40 quid out of pocket, never mind transport. I generally don't get clients who are that disrespectful, but I'm also pretty stern with people about treating me as a professional. Wanting special outfits, manicures, and perfect makeup takes time and money, as Penny says-

Most sex worker rates start at roughly equal to the rate that a lawyer in her area might charge. This will get you the basics, meaning no kink, no GFE, no toys, no special performance, no special lingerie. We’re talking in and out. The bare necessities, which may be what you’re looking for.

From there, you can expect increases if you want to spend time with someone who puts more into her appearance, has a nicer place to meet you, is more adventurous, etc. Yes, you can sometimes find a diamond in the rough, but you have to be really lucky and you can’t search for or create it. It just happens. More often, it doesn’t.

So the first step to knowing how much you should be paying for sex is determining what kind of experience you want. Do you want a steady relationship? An experienced partner? A stellar body? Is grooming–manicured nails, styled hair, refined make-up–important to you? These things cost sex workers time and money, which raises their rates.

 I've had people ask me if I offer a student or military discount, or insult me because they think my prices are too high for them. And it can be difficult, working in an industry where the low end offers £50 for unprotected anal, to persuade some clients that my rates are reasonable and, in a way, reassuring as to the quality of the services I offer. I have safer sex, which is not just for my safety but the safety of my clients, and I go out of my way to have multiple types of lubricant and condoms available to make that experience as sexy as possible... but that costs money too!


Sex work is pretty much like anything, especially anything in the service industry- you get out of it what you put in. So before you ask "how much should you pay for sex work?", ask yourself "how valuable is a good experience?"


Tip accordingly.

I love Half Naked Thursday though I'm almost never organized enough to participate- I seem to remember it's Thursday when I flop into bed.

But I also have an amazing toy to review. And I don't wanna wait til StrapItOn Saturday.

And there's pictures.

And it's #ladypornday... ok, Lady Porn Week.

So let's mash all this up, shall we, into a review of Babeland's Mark Caramel Dildo?

First, can I just say.... yum. Yum yum yum. Also, OMG, and whee, and yay, but mostly yum.

I've had a pretty standard black rubber cock, 6", that has been "my cock" for years... but... yeah. Mark has rocketed to the front of my affections. It is my cock. It feels so incredibly natural and GOOD when it's on me, it's the perfect length and weight, and it feels like a cock in my hand. Love.

Mark is 6" by 1 1/2", a reasonable, average size. I was a little worried about the length since, being a curvy girl, my belly can reduce the length, making a dildo that works well in your hand difficult in a harness. Nope, not an issue at all- using my new cock both for cocksucking and pegging was a dream.

This toy is available in three shades- caramel, mocha, and cream. I was pretty happy with caramel, despite having lighter skin, since cocks are usually a bit darker anyway. There's no taste or smell, which is good too! The base is perfectly shaped to be ideal for use in a strap on harness-  I used my Joque to great effect.

It's made of silicone, but not like other dildoes I've had- there's a firm silicone core, and then a softer, squishier silicone on top for a realistic feel that's almost uncanny. It even conducts body heat, so after having my boy suck on it for a while it felt even more like a part of my body. Amazing. And of course, silicone means that you can sterilize Mark by using toy cleaner or boiling- always nice in a toy.

I've been playing around a lot with being a femme Daddy, and strapping this baby on really, really did it for me. Usually I feel somewhat aware that I'm in a strap on, but with Mark I was incredibly turned on and really felt attached to it, like it was flesh and blood. I wish I could pack with it to so I could wear it all the time!

This was also the first cock I've used on my boy as a strap on experience. It's girthy, so not necessarily the best for newcomers to anal play, but it's not so girthy as to be overwhelming for those who've had a bit of experience. Use lube, of course, and lots of it- not silicone lubes or water/silicone blends, though, or you risk damaging the toy. I recommend a thick water based formula like Maximus or Hathor Aphrodisa (which I'll be reviewing soon, so watch out for it!).

I've also used Mark as a masturbation toy, both on my own and with the boy steering, and I found it to be ideal for this too. The tip is rounded and slightly squishy, like a flesh and blood cock, so you don't get that uncomfortable cervix-battering you could get with other dildos. The base is easy enough to hold on to, whether you prefer to masturbate on your back or on your stomach.

I really couldn't recommend a better cock to consider as a standby for anyone getting into strap on play, regardless of the gender of your lover. The only thing you might want differently is length, but I found this to be perfect for everything I wanted to use it for.

Wanna see what I used it for?

The boy and I are trying a new experiment into the world of ageplay- daily discipline.

He's kind of temperamental, you see, quick to get frustrated and slow to take space when needed- and he wouldn't give me space when I asked for it, so I'd blow up back at him. And it was really putting a strain on our relationship, particularly as it pertained to our kinky lives. We were fighting a lot, both incredibly stressed and just struggling to make the relationship work.

But, he's into ageplay, and I figured maybe it was time to lay down some structure. An easy cause/effect type situation, where I would set him some rules, and if he didn't follow those, he would get a punishment spanking. Even if he didn't break any rules, he still gets a spanking- but he gets a warm up if he's good. ;) It reminds me to be very clear about the things I expect him to do, and it gives him structure, which is something he really needs to be focused.

So far it's gone fairly well, though we've only just started on it. I want to add other disciplinary things as well- writing essays is one of my favourites- but still need to make sure discipline happens on my schedule, not his. Meaning, I have to be calm when I do it. I have always had a problem with not wanting to strike out when angry, and being really worried it'll get out of control, so I think I'll just continue to avoid it for now. I enjoy letting my predatory beast side out... but only when I know I can shut it away again.

I think that's been one of my big fears in being a parent, down the line- what if my temper flies out of control? And ageplay, of course, brings up all my issues around motherhood generally, which is why I used to run away from it. But now, I'm looking at it, and myself, a little more closely, and realizing that as I've always said, babies and dogs and boys all respond to the same training- firm, clear rules, and consistency.

I never really thought I'd be researching the whole "taken in hand" thing (and mind, it is FULL.OF.GENDER. ESSENTIALISM), but...! I guess it's not that far from the ordinary for me to find something incredibly sexist and heterosexual and then queer the fuck out of it. And as long as he's the one wearing the apron and chained to the stove, I guess it's ok with me.

I was given this film to review last year, and hated it so much for so many reasons that I wrote the company to ask if they even wanted me to review it on my blog because I was going to slag it off so severely. They didn't respond, and I had better things to write, but I rediscovered this and thought I'd publish it as is, as the play-by-play commentary I had when I watched it.

I wasn't the only one who felt it was awful, either- it bombed in the cinema, and last time I saw it they were trying to sell it for 2 quid at Sainsburys. But the problem I really had with this is that every movie that thinks it's ok to sell DVDs by showing sex workers being raped, beaten and tortured, and the more we see the men doing this glorified and accepted, the further we go from helping sex workers. Danny Dyer, you were always a cunt, but this is a new level. Misquoted? Hah.

"Pimp"

This is a mockumentary... well, no, a movie in the format of a documentary, vaguely about pimps working in Soho's red light district. "Give an inch and take a mile".

5 minutes in, and the women are silent, the men are overly pleased with how well they can manipulate them, and I'm slightly horrified. "You bruised her, she's out of commission for a week!" Wow, lovely. One of the workers gets slapped for... what reason..?

All sorts of random racism against the Chinese. Lots of "we kept the hot ones for ourselves, dropped the mingers off at the immigration authority". Meanwhile, they terrorize the women into working for them- again, we're 12 minutes in and we've yet to hear a sex worker speak. I suppose given the name of the film it's about the men... "Trying to keep her productive". Basically, the story of this one girl, Bo, who had her child kidnapped by the Chinese, forced to work to get him back, then the main guy from this rival gang steals her and tries to force her. "It's not them that gets out of line, it's their greed"- the idea that these sex workers "need discipline" from these men. There's this whole idea of "oh, these girls could do so well if only they laid back and took it like a proper worker". Drug use suggested of course. These are mostly girls who worked on the street and then were... upgraded? to working indoors.

20 min in and I'm already waiting for one of these bad tempered men to not just slap but beat one of the women. "She'll turn up and then I'll have to discipline her and I fucking hate that part." yeah? poor fucking baby. Random topless trophy women. Fat girl humiliation who at least has the sense to tell Danny Dyer to fuck off, to the cheers of the other girls- one of the most realistic moments in the film. "Control your workers"- "your bitches adore you" "break that little tart in" also the implication that the women don't deserve any privacy- a "trans" worker (played by a woman) is pressured to pull up her skirt to show her cock. Also random homophobia.

I'm not really crying for any of these guys who are trying to make a living off of the backs of these women. First time we see a sexual act, it's a BDSM snuff film. "who would I go out with? they're all fucked up". "Political s/m is our thing, expressing outrage against corrupt systems"- yeah, right. the fetishisation of ethnicity. Delusional failed actress turned porn star. the usual tropes.

"Since when did whores get so fucking high and mighty?" said by a punter to one of the girls who refused to give a service to him./"He pays the money, he can do what he wants". The basic idea of "oh, she's (Petra) a junkie so her terror is just imagined". The slippery slope argument. Does it seriously take an hour into an 80 min film for Woody to feel some doubt about how this business is run??

Ah, Bo gets beaten for refusing to work- she refuses to work because working for Stanley means the people who kidnapped her child don't get paid, and might hurt him. Why the fuck is Bo comforting Woody..? Stockholm Syndrome much? He rescues this one girl out of the army of chattel and he's supposed to be a hero..?

Oh,  great, racism and torture! Lovely. Lots of jaded attitudes about these snuff films. They also seem to love showing these snuff segments over and over again- why? To desensitize the viewer? Oh please god let Danny Dyer get raped and murdered... oh, no, no, while we see snuffed women, no snuffed men I guess.

Oh and of course Bo falls for her pimp. Of course she does.

So today it's Lady Porn Day- a day created to start a discussion on women, masturbation and porn consumption, a conversation I'm pretty fond of and think about a lot myself. I think the thing I've liked most about this day so far is that even the way this has been advertised is up for discussion and debate, because it has a lot to do with how we look at porn.

I agreed with MayMay about the depictions in the flyers:

Of these 12 “fantastic official Lady Porn Day banners,” which Rabbit (perhaps unsurprisingly at this point) says were sourced from Tumblr, female bodies feature in a grand total of 11 of them. Male bodies feature in a total of 3. Of those three, 1 banner shows only male bodies, while the other 2 both show a heterosexual pairing. Of those 2 with a heterosexual pairing, you can see the woman’s face in both photos while the man’s face is visible in only 1.

And for those keeping score on the racial and body size fronts, there is only 1 dark-skinned model in the entire collection, and 1 model even remotely approaching “plus” size. But at least they are token-included. There are, of course, zero submissively-depicted men.

That’s why I feel neither inspired nor impressed by the supposed discussion this project purports to be hawking the blogosphere’s way. Far from beingsomething novel, the homogeneity of these images are simply another all-too-obvious “hidden” standard: a male gaze coming from a woman’s eyes.

I'll admit, I struggled to find a banner for Lady Porn Day that appealed to me yesterday when I put up my post for Fantabulosa, because none of them even seemed remotely queer- I basically picked the queerest one they had. Now, however, Rabbit White has made it so you can make your own banner, and I'm happy that the selection shown on the official post is getting to be more varied (update- they all seem to be gone now, boo).

I've been thinking quite a bit about this, and also about ethnicity and diversity and inclusiveness in the realm of sex positivity. Not just because of Fantabulosa, which is really just a vehicle for me to encourage my friends and their friends to create DIY porn that shows our diversity and band together as a collective, but also because of a post over on Filament Magazine's blog around inclusiveness, this post about an incident at the Women Who Rock conference, and this post by Madame Thursday:

Because I’m tired of people defending porn, acting as though somehow I’m a sex negative person and a traitor to sexual liberties if I disdain and actively hate the U.S. porn industry that holds up “feminist” porn, or porn directed by a few women who have been trained in the male gaze as though it will appease me. As though women haven’t been repeating the sexist, male-centered messages we’re fed all our lives, as though most of these feminist directors aren’t white, able, cisgendered women who come with loads of their own prejudices. Women can oppress other women. And indeed, much of misogyny and rape culture in the U.S. is transmitted from woman to woman, from mother to daughter, friend to friend, sister to sister. So don’t tell me that because the person behind the camera has a vagina and ID’s as female that I should be impressed by a product that looks and feels exactly like what men put out. 

 Which makes a great point about something I personally hate in porn- this idea that just because a woman made it it's suddenly feminist and has a female gaze. Anna Span is to me a HUGE example of this, and I don't honestly know how she got a Feminist Porn Award when her work screams white male gaze to me- with scenes like "Lez Be Friends" showing two super femmes with makeup and long nails half-heartedly playing with each other. Ugh. And yet somehow she spent time as a feminist porn darling. Even the F Word asks "But why is it assumed that Span’s porn should have more significance than showing horny men and women indulging in coitus?" Well, when you're getting awards for feminist porn, I expect there to be some sort of quality control, like the people involved looking like they have some chemistry maybe?  I don't get it. So yes, I understand Madame Thursday's pain, and it's frustrating when that sort of thing is awarded as good feminist porn.

But then, here I am, a cisgendered, white, middle class, able bodied woman who wants to make porn, ask questions, throw sex parties that are inclusive. I understand that being fat and queer doesn't erase my other privilege, so I'm both aware and wary of getting involved with trying to make a difference. I worry that by trying to encourage my British friends to make their own porn, it'll be an uneven depiction (most of them are white, for example) and therefore counter my goal- more hot porn with more variety. At the same time, I also feel like it's important to have British queer porn and ethical fat girl porn, both of which are underrepresented.

And, of course, porn, like photographs, is limited to who is willing to be on film. If you don't have fat, disabled, lower class, trans or people of other ethnicities who want to be involved with these things, how will they ever be seen to the same extent? Should it not be made at all unless it ticks these boxes, like positive discrimination? And yet there's also my awareness of the Derailing for Dummies argument that it's not up to minorities to educate everyone else. I try to educate myself as much as I can on issues of gender/race/class theory, but I will never cover it all. And, even after uncovering these privileges, what am I prepared to do to lessen it?

I will readily admit that one major privilege I have is that critical race theory is not something I've had a lot of contact with. When I was younger, I was constantly stressed and angry about everything- sexism, racism, environmental issues, animal rights, LGBT rights, reproductive rights, the ethics of food, etc etc etc. As I got older I realized that trying to do something about everything would eventually kill me, and I decided to tackle specifically the world of sexuality. Having gotten involved with that I've discovered that I need to specify further, as porn, sex work, public sex/sex parties, sex writing, etc all entwines with issues around race, class, sex, gender, and body politics. Can I really credit myself as a thoughtful human being if I don't consider these things? Can I do that without getting back to that place of being an anxious, miserable wreck? Is it unacceptably selfish to focus on a few things I feel I can do something about and have skill in when there's so much else to change?

As the Hate Destroyer, retiree (and now full time Nazi propaganda destroyer) Irmela Mensah-Schramm says- "if you don't do it yourself, who will do it? and if you don't do anything, how can you obtain anything?"

It's a lot to digest, and I'm really just getting started. But, heh, happy Lady Porn Day- I think I'm going to celebrate with a much-needed stress-relieving wank.

Today I'm posting in honor of tomorrow's "Lady Porn Day", the brainchild of Rachael Rabbit White- a day to discuss, debate, question and challenge our thoughts about women and pornography. Twitter hashtag for this project will be #ladypornday, feel free to read up on it and get involved!

I've always been a big fan of pornography, all sorts, from Kink Inc to Pink and White to porn parodies and vintage smut. I started the Erotic Award winning Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society to create a space for women to enjoy and debate the merits and issues with pornographic material.

But one thing that kept bothering me was the porn we'd watch. It took a lot of work to find quality porn available in the UK on DVD- quality porn with ethical values, different body types, different expressions of sexuality, queer people, people of colour... that was impossible to find. I worked at a sex toy shop that, in theory, supported porn that appealed to women, but in practice wouldn't carry it because of licensing/permitting issues. They had Anna Span- but no, I don't count Anna Span in the category of which I speak, as her work, while directed by a woman, is still prone to the pink shots and long fingernail "lezzer" scenes that scream Male Gaze.

London was so big, and I had met so many hot, awesome queer people through Ladies High Tea, Kinky Salon London, After Pandora, Night of the Senses, and just going to fetish clubs... why wasn't there porn that reflected that, that came from these fantastic people?

Well, where there's a hole, I like to fill it- so I decided to create Fantabulosa, a DIY queer porn project that would create the visual erotica I was missing. Why the name? Well, it comes from Polari, a slang language popular among queers, circus folk, criminals and sex workers- and hey, that sounds like my friends! Fantabulosa is the word for excellent, and that's what I want to encourage. Excellent, well-made porn that focuses on actual erotic connections- not genitals.

I decided I would love to see this done as a collective, of course, because I come and go to and from the UK and don't want this project to fall apart because of that. Plus, I want this porn to subvert ideas about porn- I want it to be made for us, and for other queers, to begin a discussion about objectification, what turns us on, and how we can present it in a way that validates us, that says "hi, we exist". I decided to seek out, not just performers, but for people who can help with creating a presence for this, whether that be excellent speakers, writers, bloggers, photographers, and generally brilliant people.  So anyone willing to take on a role with how this comes about (and I'll obviously help) is welcome to. It's a do-ocracy- if you're willing to do it, it's all yours!

I'm hoping to start this out by creating free content for upload on Queer Porn TV, a project started by the lovely Courtney Trouble. The US has had quite a hold on queer porn content for the most part and I think it's about time the UK carved out its own niche and began to connect with queers in other countries. I want us to make something to submit to the Good Vibrations Indie Erotic Film Festival.

My hope is that Fantabulosa is not going to tell people who's queer and who isn't- if you identify as queer and feel comfortable with other queers, awesome, I wanna see it. I want to see British trans-positive, kink-positive, body positive porn, with a DIY sensibility and a refection of the diversity of the awesome British queers I know.

I've worked in a bit of porn myself, and gotten a feel for how it can work thanks to the amazing Kelly Shibari and Padded Kink (there's four videos of me on there, if you're curious). I learned that you can let performers choose their own partners and decide on the scenes that appeal to them. I learned that sometimes it's worth making porn, not for money, but to show variety that is missing in social understandings of "pornography". I learned that queer sex work really does work, and we need to be vocal about it. And through Courtney Trouble's work with No Fauxx and Reel Queer Productions, along with Madison Young's new project "The Woman's POV" (DIY point-of-view porn between women in the style of "Lucky" or "Ciao Bella"), I have cemented my belief that women DO like porn, and they DO want porn- they're just sick of porn they can't identify with.

San Francisco is the home to so many amazing porn films and porn projects that served to inspire me to connect creativity and sexuality in my other heart home of London. I think London's ready. I can't wait to begin to take the art and sensuality of pornography out of the hands of seedy Soho and into the hands of freaks like me.

So Lady Porn Day seemed like the perfect time to announce Fantabulosa to the world. Get ready, London, cause here we cum!

So I've been back in the UK for almost 2 weeks now. It's been a bumpy ride, working on a couple of projects and even being crazy enough to start another one, along with doing an interview for a potential documentary, moving house, and restarting my work.

Sex work is, for me, incredibly rewarding, both financially (to be expected) and emotionally. I am touched when I can help a client find ways to make his or her erotic life more fulfilling, or when I can help a couple have a fun threesome, or when I can comfort and encourage someone in accepting their sexual desires. That's a huge part of why I went into sex work in the first place.

But it's not easy work, just as being a therapist isn't easy work. It's emotional in nature for you, whether you're emotionally connected to your clients or not, and nuanced in ways that can be complicated to explain in conversations about sex work. I've always had a hard time articulating what my thoughts are on people getting into it, until I saw this bit by Mistress Matisse- she's talking in part about the Nicki Blue losing her vaginal virginity on Kink Inc debate, though this is generally relevant-

So you should not do porn, or any kind of sex work, to explore your sexuality. A happy and emotionally-healthy sex worker is someone with the tools and the desire to facilitate other people exploring their sexuality. As you go along in sex work, you’ll learn what particular types of sexuality you most enjoy participating in, and gravitate towards the appropriate setting for that. But getting into corporate porn to "explore your sexuality" is rather like joining the military to explore your issues with aggression and formalized hierarchies. You certainly will get an education, but it’s unlikely to be a smooth and enjoyable process.

Virgins aspiring to sex work, think it like this: Actors rehearse, athletes train, and musicians practice. If you want your sexuality to enrich the lives of other people, and you want to be happy doing so, learn your skills in private. Then go forth and make the world a sexier place.

I think this makes a brilliant point, and one that I agree with. I came into sex work initially very uncertain about my sexuality, and stopped after one session, deciding to just do erotic massage- not because I had a bad time, but because I was self-aware enough to know I didn't know what I was doing. I went back into it when I felt ready and like I had a lot of experience under my belt. I was better able to consent, as I knew what I liked and didn't like. If you can't communicate well, or state boundaries, or if you're unsure what your boundaries are- sex work is not the job for you.

Meanwhile, I'm ready to get back into it!

I am in love with the dandy aesthetic. In love. I adore that rakish type of person, whether male of female- suave, seductive, a little bit evil. And I like even better having this force of nature on my leash, under my spell. But what sort of leash would appeal to the dandy's desire for decadence while not being incredibly forward with it? Not every occasion suits a collar, after all.

The Incoqnito necktie Babeland kindly sent my way is the ideal accessory for this unique kind of madness. On a man, it looks interesting and different without being overly flashy- on a woman, it looks chic. It wasn't too wide or too narrow, thus making the genderfuck potential pretty flexible-and the metal knot was just genius.

What's so special about a necktie, you ask? Well, this one transforms from a tie into a leash and collar, which I think is just brilliant. There's an extra bit of fabric firmly stitched onto the bottom layer of the tie to work as a handle, and the part that goes around the neck has hidden flap pieces that fold out to give more surface area to the neck (thus making it safer to use). Plus there's the added advantage of being able to slip it on- there's nothing to actually tie, which means it's great for those lazy but fashionable dandies!

The material is a poly/rayon blend, which I have to say I was glad for- had it been silk it would've been very sensitive to oils (including natural body oils), and that would've made it harder to use. The tie is always black, but the metal bit comes in rose gold or silver. I liked the silver myself. It's 24" long and fits a large variety of necks, from 10" to 26", so it's good for either femme or butch use. It comes in a discreet black box, neatly folded up, with some instructions to help you get a handle on it.

I think this has quickly become one of my favourite toys to have in my toybox or costume closet! As someone who enjoys D/s but doesn't always want to scare the horses, this is a perfect option for someone like me. Elegant, practical, our little secret.

Get one for your next dress up do at Babeland!