I was just reading an article by the lovely Penny Barber over at the Good Vibrations blog. It's an article about a sex worker's greatest fear- that the work you do or have done in the past will have legal consequences, like hurting you in legal proceedings, getting your child taken away from you, or making it difficult or impossible to get another job down the line.

I'm particularly... touched? appalled? by this story about Kendra Holliday, the Missouri-based author of The Beautiful Kind blog. To be clear- she's not a sex worker. She hasn't done anything illegal. She's just a bisexual, polyamorous, joyously partnered divorced mother discussing her experiences, answering questions and offering advice to people via her blog. But blogging about her sexual experiences has cost her a job in April, and now, potentially, custody of her child. 


It's not the first time. Dominatrix model Mz. Berlin suffered a similar situation in 2009. It started with her being (fairly, I think) pissed off and responding to an article Matt Smith (not the Doctor) wrote for SF Weekly about the action going on at kink.com, equating consensual BDSM with non consensual torture. After being bitchslapped by the BDSM community in SF, he wrote a piece whinging about how these kinky people are just TOO SENSITIVE, geez. In writing that article, he outed the real name of Mz. Berlin, despite her ACTIVELY COMMUNICATED desire for him not to do so. Because of that, her ex-husband used the story to bring a court case against Mz. Berlin for visitation rights of her son, She lost the right to see her child- even though the work she did was legal and not a reflection of her parenting skills at all. And Matt Smith was trying to bash kink.com for their treatment of women..? He doesn't seem to be the best to debate consent, considering.


The scariest parallel to me is that on both cases, this came about from media outing of the sex workers in question. In Mz. Berlin's case, it was a non consensual outing, an abuse of trust by a journalist.  But Kendra came out of her own accord, on National Coming Out Day, October 11th. "For every sex negative email I received this week, I got 10 or 20 positive emails. You know what this means? The human race is on my side. People have been overwhelmingly supportive - so far," she said... unfortunate foreshadowing, as she then gets told she can't be around her daughter's friends (prompting a funny Midwest version of her coming out article) and has her custody contested by her ex-husband. She was so proud to be out... and then was slapped down by a society that wishes to shame and punish her for having a sexual life. Hell, the article that was published about her starts off with the provocative and unnecessary "Kendra Holliday is a total slut. Go right ahead and say it — she does". Way to slut-shame while seeming edgy!


It's truly repulsive.


Then I think about Girl With a One-Track Mind blogger Zoe Margolis, and her outing by the press. She, too, lost her job in the film industry because of being outed- again, despite not having done anything wrong. Zoe wrote about how violated she felt, how angry- "It’s like I am living in some alternate dimension where nothing seems real, and I am stuck in a kind of nightmare," she writes a week afterwards, and I have to ask myself- how is that ok? How is it ok to out someone like this? How is it ok to make a woman feel shitty for talking about her sexuality? How has this not changed in four years?


Or there is, of course, Belle de Jour's Diary, written by ex-escort Brooke Magnanti. However, here, there's some hope, at least for UK based sex bloggers and workers- Brooke didn't deal with the same issues at her workplace. There wasn't the same slut-shaming- in fact, Bristol University said "This aspect of Dr Magnanti's past is not relevant to her current role at the university," which is basically amazing. BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE. That should be the norm!


I know it's been a big deal for me to have my face out there as a middle class indoor-working sex worker. I do keep certain aspects of my life shrouded in some mystery, just to keep myself safe, but I will totally fucking fight anyone trying to take my life away from me for being a sexual being. And I think that should be true for all people, though my heart especially goes out to the women caught up in this. It's ridiculous that women are subject to objectification and the gaze and male privilege all the fucking time, and when we speak up and say "actually, we're sexual creatures too", we lose jobs, relationships, children.


FUCK THAT NOISE.


If you want to help do something about it, may I suggest starting by supporting Kendra Holliday's legal battle, because how this turns out can and will affect any other sexually open woman (and man, actually). Or you can donate to the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund in her name. Or make yourself aware of kink-aware professionals in your area and support them/use them when you can or need to. Or support Backlash, out in the UK, who is also working to fight this sort of absurdity. 


I used to have a shirt that said "sluts unite". If there was ever a time... it's now. 

I'm not the biggest hippie in the world, but this is probably one of the niftiest ideas I've seen- a bullet vibe that's solar powered, from Babeland.

It's funny, really- I got this toy right when the fog rolled in for the winter. Oh, irony, to have a solar bullet and no sun!

Thankfully, there were a couple of days of sun tucked away in there, so I got a chance to charge up this little toy and give it a whirl. I was really curious- I love the idea of sustainable toys, whether they be rechargeable via the wall or from catching some rays. Plus, I enjoy camping, go to Burning Man and related events, and love sex outside, so what could be better?

You can, of course, just charge the solar panel in your car, say, without anyone ever knowing that you plan to wank with that power later. Yes, the vibration is very buzzy, which isn't my favorite type of vibration, but it will work really well on a tied up helpless boy. Thankfully I often have one of those around, with very sensitive nipples and an even more sensitive cock head.

I definitely recommend this solar bullet vibe to anyone who likes a faster, lighter buzz sensation! Get one at Babeland for your green, tree-hugging lover.

You know about this tradition, right? The hanging of stockings, decorating the Christmas tree, lighting the menorah, baking holiday cookies, asking the holiday vulva for sex toy advice. Wait, what? Yes, Babeland now has a Holiday Vulva available to give you recommendations for your bedroom antics!

I imagine I'd ask the Holiday Vulva what do you get the girl who has a library of sexuality books and a toybox of toys? What's something really different and innovative?

Though, I kind of know the answer- there's a couple things on Babeland's Holiday Gift Guide, like the Form 3 vibrator or the brightly colored Toyfriend collection, that would fit the bill nicely!

Even better is the daily deal you can get each day, for the 12 days leading up to Christmas, from Babeland- all sorts of really good deals (like today's buy a gift from the gift guide, get a Delight Kit free), so check it out!

I know a girl- a hot, genderfucking dandy of a girl- who lives up in the cold northern territory of Toronto, Canada. She was my co-founder of Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, out in London, along with being my lover and friend. I still haven't gotten to go up to Toronto to see her, sadly, and I miss her terribly.

When I saw that there was a "Roulette: Toronto" available from Good Vibrations... I had to see it. In honor of her, really. Plus I really loved the last Roulette I had seen, so I was looking forward to seeing the newest installment (and there's a few- "Roulette: Berlin" is one I'm also looking forward to checking out, and there's "Roulette: Dirty South" too).

The first scene is a really hot one between Courtney Trouble, who directs the whole film, and Judy Minx, a really cute, big-eyed girl who looks as pretty when laughing as when tearing up. Yum. This scene is full of squirting, face slapping, cunt spanking, and writing on the body with makeup. Really sexy femme-on-femme scene. I loved the playfulness and roughness in the scene. A lot of spit. A lot. Pretty hot. The music was a bit distracting though. I love the choice of music, I just prefer to hear girl moans. :)

As for the next scene, the boy said it best- "I didn't think I was going to be seeing queer ballet porn today". It's a scene between Jiz Lee, River Turner and Drew Deveaux, going from a dance class to a really sexy, androgynous, spandex threesome in a dance studio. Lots of lithe bodies entwined, many gloved hands going up wet cunts... some spanking, echoing in the studio, which was quite fun. The body awareness and movement in this indicated to me that they might, in fact, have dance experience- there's a consciousness that's pretty sexy.

Then we have April Flores, booking a "leggy brunette" escort- I love how her red hair matches her shiny red stilettos. Nice touch. "Flattering outfit," commented the boy, and it's true- April has one a sheer lingerie set that really emphasizes her curves. Well, who should come to the door but the delicious Dylan Ryan, looking pretty femme compared to how I've normally seen her! They get right down to it, which I find funny- in my experience, there's usually a cuppa that happens first, or a glass of wine, but that makes for dull porn I'm sure. Dylan gives April some head, and then gets her hands wet- there's armpit licking, spanking, and the Njoy Eleven stainless steel dildo. "Is she slapping her tits against her cunt? That's amazing!" said the boy, remarking wistfully "sometimes I wish I was a girl so you could slap your tits against my cunt". 


Finally, there's the scene with Scout and Lascivia Liberty- I love Scout's binding with a leather harness, that's really sexy, and the naturalness of the sex was super sexy- plus the rapport between the performers, the body types, and the multiple gushing moments made the boy say it was his favourite scene so far. He was wrapping Christmas presents for me, and this was the scene that distracted him the most, so that should tell you something! And, as he pointed out, only in queer porn would you hear "oh, it's ok if it won't go in". 

There's also a bonus scene shot in Vegas with Dia Zerva and her real life lover Wordman. The story goes that Wordman installed a stripper pole to surprise his lover- she does some tricks on the pole before they get down to some cunnilingus and fingering... yummy. To be honest, Wordman is totally not my type- as the boy said, "I think I could be happy never seeing a white, bald cisman with a goatee in a black shirt"... and yeah, I'm inclined to agree, but hey, real life couple stuff trumps that for me.  Seeing the chemistry that happens when you've been together for a while is super sexy. And the slow blowjob was pretty hot.

The things I love about queer porn were definitely present here. Genderqueerness. Body variety. Laughing during sex. Body hair. Body fluids. Negotiation/communication being seen during sex. Kinky play. Camera angles that show the connection, not just pink bits. All really nice. And this is the second time Courtney has suggested in porn the idea of women being sex work clients, which I really, really like- it's about time women saw themselves as consumers within the sex industry.

So, yeah, I liked this "Roulette" a lot, and definitely would recommend watching it. It's very girl-heavy, so if that's what you want from your queer porn, this would be a good one to check out! Plus it might be a little more accessible to the queer girl with a straight boyfriend- this may change his tastes a bit. ;)

Available at Good Vibrations in multiple formats, including ones you can download if you're not in the US, so the region thing isn't an issue. Yay!

I was on the forums, a place of infinite frustration and annoyance to me sometimes, when I came across that old favourite- "poly people should try to move beyond jealousy". Oh for christ's sake. Ok, I get it- jealousy stems from a bit of "fear of missing out", or FOMA, a bit of hurt and maybe competitiveness, and a lot of insecurity. And sure, it's good to think about your insecurity, and challenge it, and double check that it comes from a reasonable place.

I wish I was musically inclined. I would sing the most rockingest love ballad to Gigi, the vibrator you see here. Oh. My. Goodness. Thanks to Good Vibrations "Vibrate the Vote" contest, I won this baby and couldn't wait to give it a go!

I had played with the Gigi before, when on a playdate with a friend, but we had only explored its possibilities vibrating against my clit. It's great for that- it has 5 modes, 3 of those being constant vibration increasing in intensity. Gigi is pretty quiet, too, and rechargeable- one hour plugged in will give you one and a half hours of playtime, so it'll be there for you when you need it!

But! But. As great as the vibration against your clit is, thanks to the flat head of the toy, that isn't what makes it so amazing to me. Oh no.

This toy, so far, has not failed to make me squirt- every time. I'm not terribly consistent with squirting- it takes a bit of tempting- but with Gigi on my side I can't stop. It's fantastic. I mean, don't forget to prepare for that (lay down some towels, trust me, I know) but it's lovely for getting you to gush. I found to to be equally enjoyable when on my back, thrusting in, or on my belly, rocking against it.

It comes in a lovely box and a silky white bag- the perfect carrying case. The coloured bit is medical grade silicone, which warms nicely to your body. I think anyone would be delighted to find Gigi reclining under their tree this holiday season!

So I always knew I had a G-spot.

Ok, that's not exactly true. I always knew it felt really, really nice to stick my fingers in my cunt and wriggle them when I peed, but I didn't know why. I just knew I liked it a whole lot, figured I was weird, and shrugged it off.

Finding a toy that would stimulate my G-spot came way, way later. I mean, I've written about the G-spot before- my frustration at it being considered a magical spot (it's the urethral sponge, that's all) of guaranteed pleasure (not everyone likes the way it feels, it's pretty intense!) and how men treated it over and over like a Quest that would give them +10 stud points when they found it. I've definitely had guys who mauled my innards to prove themselves and their sexual prowess. I've known two men who make me squirt no matter what, whether I want to or not, and a part of me felt a little... overattached to them, I guess. They had the magic touch, right?

Well, no more!

Babeland sent me the G-Ki to test out, and oooooo boy! This is a fantastic toy.

First off- waterproof, rechargeable body. So when you gush all over yourself, the toy, and the bed, never mind your lover (if you let them drive ;) ) it won't matter because the toy is splashproof! And the rechargeable means you get a full 2 hours of vibrating lovin'. What I particularly liked was the magnetic hookup- instead of plugging this in, a magnet attaches the charger to the toy via the buttons that power it. Pretty nifty.

Secondly? It's adjustable. There are two points of articulation, and you can lock the toy in place at those points. See the images above to see the other two shapes you can sculpt it into. I found the left shape to be best for someone else holding the toy, and the shape on the right best for rocking back and forth on it using the palm of my hand. It means that it feels like you've got three toys instead of one!

Finally, with 5 speeds/variations, there's enough going on with this toy to make it a bedside staple. It looks like a piece of art, anyway, so you won't feel embarrassed to have it on your nightstand. It comes in purple, black, and rose, and arrives in a beautiful box. For presentation, this is one luxury toy.

Curious? Want to try one out? Get the G-Ki at Babeland this holiday season and give it to someone special... like yourself! ;)

I've had a long struggle with polyamory.

I love the idea of it. I want to be up for it. I've done it, happily, before, but never as the primary. I was always Girl #2, the unicorn in the closet for when a couple wanted sexyfuntimes. And it wasn't a bad way to do it- I had freedom to do my own thing, but also had a point of stability. Well, sort of, anyway. But being the secondary means that you have to step back when the couple needs to work on their issues, that you'll probably not meet the family or be included in that way. And that can kind of suck.

Currently I have a primary. And I'm really worried. I mean, ok, our relationship has been rocked a few times by our attempts at nonmonogamy- bad communication has led to me feeling really raw. Trust has been broken, or I've felt like trust has been broken, and now... I don't know if I can share. Maybe the relationship is too broken. Maybe we need time to heal first?

I thought I was good at this. So why is it that every time the boy goes out with a girl, and they talk about potential play, I feel like I'm going to throw up and I just want to break it off? I don't think it's even jealousy anymore, it's just fear, straight up gut-crunching fear. And part of that is because I have such a hard time forgiving him for the fuckups of the past. Instead I feel like I just continually punish him- or I try to forgive him, and he missteps in some other, new way, and I'm back to reeling, confused and uncomfortable.

Articles about infidelity tell you if you want to maintain the relationship, you need to forgive and go to counseling or have other solutions in place. Obviously that works a lot better for monogamy- if that partner has an affair again it's pretty unforgivable. But with nonmonogamy it's hard to tell when you're healed enough or when you're going to be healed enough to take that ginger first step back into trust. Meanwhile your partner is impatient, and maybe, like me, you're kinda sorta seeing other people yourself, so there's a lot of pressure to give up your own lovers or allow your partner freedom, just praying they don't break your trust again. I feel pretty lost and confused.

I've questioned if the boy and I should just take time off, where he can sleep around and do ageplay with people and I can just have a lot of space to deal with my feelings. I'm not sure. I guess I still feel, and have felt for a while, that novelty is still more interesting than, well, me, and I am exhausted from feeling useless. I don't know if I should just give up with nonmonogamy and try being monogamous instead. I feel certain that it'll make me miserable. So then how do I get to a place where I can trust the boy enough for us to be nonmonogamous? Time? Therapy?

I'm just so tired of feeling this way, like I have to be on guard.

When I tell people I'm a happy, out, queer sex worker, they think I'm nuts.


How could I possibly get clients when I tell them I identify as queer, female-to-femme, and refuse to wear the trappings of "sexy femininity" to our sessions? How can a grrl get sex work when she wears jeans, geeky teeshirts, and converse sneakers as often as stockings and heels? When she actively talks about preferring women and trans people to men, rants about feminism and issues with "forced" bisexuality and feminization, and polyamory?


Well, I can't say I've found it to be much of an issue.


I have this image up because it was in the Sunday Sport, an incredibly heterosexist "newspaper" that basically serves to sandwich many, many photos of babes n' boobs with tiny scraps of sensationalist "news". I was asked to do an interview for them, and was initially somewhat hesitant, but when I was allowed to view the proof before publication I was actually almost impressed. And having the headline be "I love it when they suck my strap on" puts a little touch of queer sensuality into a community of people who would never have considered it before. What makes the act of sucking a strap on even more subversive, to me, is that with pegging, it's simple, people get it- anal sex feels nice for men, even if it might make them gay. ::cough:: But with sucking a strap on, it's not about the client's penis at all- it's about them pleasuring me, in that psychological way that sucking a femme's strap on does, and I love that.


Never mind that queer sex has given me a lot of ideas on how to deal with other variations in bodies- when you learn to use a thigh harness, for example, it doesn't matter so much if you can't feel your cock or move your legs- there's ways around that to have sexual experiences. I can't count the number of times my personal experiences have informed professional ones!


It's also been interesting, the more I chat with other girls who webcam, or dance at a peep show, or do Domme work or escorting. I know a LOT of queer sex workers. Like, most of the ones I know identify as queer, at least in California. Which isn't terribly surprising- Michelle Tea's Rent Girl discusses her experiences as a queer escort, for example, and how she had sex with men at work but with women at home, and I know a few people who follow the same idea. My personal upfrontness about my queerness has gotten me sessions with women curious to play with another woman, and yet also attracts men curious about genderfuck (and even a few who are just attracted to my ability to discourse). It's fantastic and leads me to believe that you can, in fact, bring your politics into the work bedroom and have it work out quite well actually. I love refusing to be invisible and on my terms.


It's not just in the world of escorting/Domming that queer sensibilities are popping up, either. Actually, the thing that inspired this post is how exciting the world of queer porn has gotten- and it's just getting better, as this Good Vibrations post points out. Where there was assumed to be no market, one is being created, with quality smut to satisfy all sorts of interests. I've definitely brought your attention to Cyber Dyke, excellent (and local!) lesbian content that embraces all sorts of bodies, and I've reviewed several porn movies that showcased queer talent, like Crash Pad and Speakeasy. I have a huge amount of admiration for Jiz Lee, a genderqueer, feminist porn performer (interviewed here) who insists the mainstream companies they work for use their gender neutral pronouns, thus making genderqueerness visible in a heternormative, cissexist industry. One orgasm at a time, people like Shine Louise Houston, Courtney Trouble, Madison Young and Roxxie are making the world of porn a safe, fun, and accessible place for queer bodies and people. Kelly Shibari's site Padded Kink, which I just shot for, isn't necessarily queer but I found shooting with her to be very sensitive to my queerness, which was excellent.


Well, with that in mind, may I recommend Queer Porn TV, a new project spearheaded by Courtney Trouble and Tina Horn?


Four snippets from their awesome manifesto that I applauded heartily-