where do we go from here?

"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping...waiting...and though unwanted...unbidden...it will stir...open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us...guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. the joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd truly be dead." -Angelus, from BTVS

My head is going a mile a minute. "He told me she wasn't into sex, she just wanted to make out and hold hands". "I can't believe I give him a place to stay and he uses it for sex with someone else." "He keeps saying he loves me and that he's sorry- is that enough?" "Am I completely crazy for being this hurt and angry?" "Should I break up with him?" "Should I stay and work it out?" "How dare he go out and have fun- he makes a mess and then leaves me to fix myself!""Don't be mad at her, be mad at him." "2 days. Seriously? 2 days was too long?" "I hate him for making me feel this way." "I still love him."

Maybe I'm not able to do this polyamory thing. I've wondered this before, especially while still reeling after the hellishness that was Toybox. Maybe I can't do it with him. I don't know.

I feel like I just started to trust him again- I had met up with them both for coffee to see how I felt, as as we walked away I said I felt awkward but that a date would be ok, just not sex. He reassured me then. But when he called and the first thing he said was "I just want you to know I love you best" I knew he had done something stupid. I didn't realize how stupid. I didn't realize that after I had helped set him up with a room in London away from his mother he repaid me by breaking our agreement with a friend of mine. 

I've been in this relationship before. 

The sex didn't go well. I'm not too clear on what exactly happened, who encouraged who, if safer sex was done or even necessary. I don't know how much of the details I really want to know. I know she feels terrible, and I'm trying not to be angry with her or feel even less comfortable around her. It's a personal prejudice, my suspicion of "the other woman", and I know that my agreement is with HIM and therefore he's responsible. It's not going to happen again, either way.

Now what to do with him. I mean, I feel pretty confident he really thought it would be ok. But he thought that because he conveniently forgot what I had told him. He broke the rules, and his first response was "well, you're sleeping with other people anyway". Actually, the only people outside of him I've slept with (all, what, 2 of them) have been clients. And even one of them just emailed to ask for my permission to see someone else for a handjob because he "doesn't want to be trained in cheating". Well done, reminding me that I never get asked out, and even when that rare moment happens that I do, I have sexless dates. Great for my self esteem. I'm too tired to keep this up.

The thing is, when we're at a party or event- no matter how cool I am, or how well dressed, no one approaches me. On good days I figure it's because of intimidation. On bad days I think it's because I'm hideous fat and gross. But everyone, seemingly, wants to sleep with the boy, who is still pretty new to sluttiness and definitely naive about relationships. It sucks. I hate feeling like I can't trust him have to check up on him- but if I don't he breaks my boundaries. Are relationships like this? Can we conquer this again? Do i want to?

I need to figure it all out. He comes in 10 days. I'm hurt, and I love him, and my trust is gone. I want to reach out to him, and I want to never speak to him again. Why did he have to do this? ::sigh::

Am I ever going to be someone's girlfriend, not just their GFE..?

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