Return Home, Part 2

So we watched "Crash Pad, Series 1" which was incredibly hot- in general, more so to the gf and I, but TB found stuff to enjoy in it as well. Snuggling together watching porn is a great way to start some play, but they still hadn't negotiated terms yet, so I made sure they talked to each other about what their limits were and what they were interested in. TB was a bit taken aback, as the gf is not physically attracted to him, but she was up for playing together anyway- this is what I love about negotiations, is that while normally you would think "oh, she's not physically into him, so it's a no go", with some negotiation we found she could enjoy him sucking a strap on or her hand, and that my making out with her as he fucked me was ok. We worked it out. ::Grin::

I wish I could tell you it all in detail, but I just remember it in snippets, gasps and moans and wetness and lots of lube-

-his fingers swirling inside me as I wrapped a dental dam/glove around my tongue and let my gf lower herself onto my face
-her giggling and moaning as my gasps and screams vibrated her clit, his hand thrusting inside me
-looking up to see their looks of concentration as my eyes rolled back into my head
-feeling her bucking against my hand as he fucked me
-seeing his cheeks and lips stretched out as she thrust a big butt plug on a strap on harness into his mouth, as his cock slid in and out of my increasingly wet pussy
-her hands wrapped in his hair
-his and her teeth and lips pressed against my neck

It was really fantastic. I was wet enough to leave a spot on the bed, which rarely rarely happens. Snuggling with both of them was lovely, afterwards- a cup of tea and the feeling of being too dizzy because you've had the hydration fucked out of you. Yum.

I don't know what exactly I did right to have this, but I'm grateful. So grateful. And I feel incredibly loved, inside and out. <3


Return Home, part 1

Thursday morning, 8:30 am. I see him at the entrance to the Tube and I try not to run because I’m trying to maintain some sort of cool here. But when I kiss him I feel a glow flame up inside me and even though I’m exhausted I want to devour him. Public transport, however, gets the better of me and the train goes so slowly I lose some of the edge. I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well on the plane, and I know I have to be up at 1pm to go get my results from the STI clinic. But my head is resting on his belly and I know I’m home in a way that resonates throughout my body. I have never been so homesick for a place before.

We’re at his flat and I’m taking my clothes off as he makes me a cup of tea. I’m torn between desires- tea, sleep, him. I choose him for the time being, and reach out as he drops his jeans to the floor. He has to be at work in an hour, we both know that, but a lot can happen in an hour, right? We snuggle, and kiss, and fuck, and everything seems right for the time being. I drift to sleep with my thighs still sticky, half awake when he tells me where he’s left the keys.

I wake up to the alarm and drag myself to the clinic, where they happily inform me I’m 100%. I’m relieved after my scare about some precum near my pussy in a work gig. I’m kind of paranoid about this stuff. They ask me if I need more condoms and think dreamily to the Crown now disposed in the trash back at his, and say “nah”. They rarely have the good condoms anyway, and TB and I have a favorite type.

From there I meet my girlfriend downtown at Leicester Square before going for a drink at my favorite bar, Freud. I kiss her hello and I feel a thrill flare from my lips to my clit. I’m delighted to see her, and to discover she has a table at a local underground comic convention (well, ¼, but still! Pretty awesome). We giggle and have fruity girly drinks after browsing the comic book store- a cocktail, a comic book, and thou, indeed. We even manage to score a table without too much hassle. It feels really good to be back with my sweeties again, and it’s fantastic to be able to hang out with them both together.

We meet up with TB for some Chinese food at a place that starts us out whispering, it’s so quiet. Somehow within minutes of our arrival the volume raises to a reasonable level, so we relax. TB and the girlfriend play ro-sham-bo for what set menu we’re going to be eating- she wins, and it’s crispy duck for everyone. WAY more food than is needed for us, however, so we have loads of leftovers. We tease TB about his paranoia about reheated rice (which, he later proves, is not unfounded- I like a boy who does his research) and head back to his to watch some of the new porn I’ve collected from my trip to Good Vibes in Boston. That’s, of course, when things get really interesting- but that’s for another entry.



"I wear my skin only as thin as I have to, armor myself only as much as seems absolutely necessary. I try to live naked in the world, unashamed even under attack, unafraid even though I know how much there is to fear."

-Dorothy Allison
from Skin: Talking About Sex, Class, & Literature

I really like this quote. I saw it on a LJ friend's journal and considered how appropriate it is for how I struggle to be- just shielded enough to be safe, but open and raw enough to allow for the hard growth. I never want to be armored. I will wear my heart on my sleeve like a trophy, a badge- I fought hard to put it there, and I'll fight harder to keep it there. You have to be really tough to be vulnerable.


back in the UK- and what sex workers will do for free

So first order of business- after my Poland drama and my visa I was very stressed out about leaving the UK for Massachusetts, but I went anyway.

I almost didn't get back in.

When the cross-looking lady got a hold of my visa and saw I had been refused entry into the UK (due to my working as a volunteer) before she became even more pissy, questioning me on whether I was working illegally in other countries and how I was able to pay my way. While I'd love to be able to say "well, ma'am, I fucked a lot of people, actually" I kinda knew that wasn't the right answer and so left it alone. They couldn't find reason to hold me, and they let me go. Phew. I almost vomited, peed myself and started crying. That would probably damage my Domme cred.

So, all that out of the way, I'm back in the UK til late January. Well, that is, if I make it back after Thanksgiving in Poland, but we'll just cross our fingers that it won't be a problem.

My girlfriend mentioned something about Bitchy Jones' latest column. And I love Bitchy, I do. She often hits the nail right on the head of the things I dislike. But this time, I feel kind of irritated. It's probably because I'm tired, my housemate is possibly a serial killing psycho and I'm sad about having to go back to the States where sex work is illegal, but I'm irritated.

I'm irritated because Bitchy Jones seems to believe that if you get paid for domination you're not a twue dominant woman. And fair enough, I know this industry well and I know that's true for a lot of women. Just like escorts are not always escorts because they just love sex with strangers. However- some do, and some dominant women get paid to do what they love. For me, I get paid to practice techniques so I can them whip them out in front of my lovers and look impressive. That's pretty sweet- I get paid to play with demo bunnies. The fact I get paid shouldn't and doesn't invalidate the experience or the honesty of the play I do.

Yeah, I'm a sex worker. That's my job. I'm queer and a kinky Top. I'm that regardless of my work. It's a separate thing. Yeah, currently, they work together pretty well, but I'm still queer and a kinky Top when I'm an admin or when I'm an unemployed student. Being queer and kinky and dominant is my sexual orientation, or part of it. Being a sex worker? It's a job. One doesn't cancel out the other.

What will a sex worker do for free? The things she wants to make time for, that's what.

I'm irritated at the implication that if you're working as a sex worker that you don't ever stop working- that any kind of socializing is considered work. It's fair enough to not want to go out of your way to hang out with sex workers, but, um, we don't tell our friends and family that to hang with us they have to pay up. In fact that was my method for changing my dynamic with TB- I told him if I got to do what *I* wanted, things that were MY turn ons, he wouldn't have to pay me. Now, he's a sweetie of mine. And for the record? I'm not his bottom. And I enjoy buying him things. Except with both him and the girlfriend, I like to buy them things that make them uncomfortable and squirmy and then subject them to it, but never mind.

When you pay for a sex worker, you pay for her to take time away from her life to spend time focusing on you. You don't pay for her orgasm or even her real enjoyment- some give it, some don't. You're paying for her time, and her attention.

If I got paid to have sex with my sweeties I would do that, for sure, but I don't, so I work. Guys email me and I decide who has fantasies that seem like fun and gives me a chance to work on my rope skills or fear play techniques. I take time away from blogging and reading LOLcats and taking walks and doing boring mundane stuff and hot sexy stuff to spend time with a client. That's how jobs work- I know a lot of my artist friends would love to be paid to create when they felt like it and whatever they like, but that doesn't feed them so they do graphic design or courtroom drawings to pay the bills and fund their passion. They take time away from their art for art-for-pay. I get paid to take time away from my sweeties to play with someone new. That's how it goes. For some it's glamorous and exciting and for others is freelancing.

With all that said- I work to live, not the other way round. When I'm off the clock I'm doing the things I like best and enjoying... well, enjoying things that deserve their own blog post, actually, later. I don't put the crop down when the whistle blows and go home to a nice "normal" man or suddenly become a bottom or some other shit.

I feel passionately about a lot of the same things Bitchy writes about. I just sometimes feel saddened that my admiration and respect and validation is one sided. I wish she knew I existed too. It's bad enough when the rest of the world figures I'm either exploited or a nympho pervert (in a bad sense). When writers like Bitchy that I respect and like make me feel like I have to defend my desires... that saddens me.

Anyway. Much more fun things to blog about but that will have to wait cause I flew in yesterday morning and, well, the fun things didn't lead to a whole lotta sleep. ;)


problems I have with Gor

I've always struggled to respect Goreans as a variation of BDSM. I have multiple problems with it.

-There's an implication that this is how the world "really" is, and if we all just stopped with the pretense and got down to it, we'd "know better". Uh huh.
-Also, it doesn't help that most of the people interested are men- men who still haven't gotten rolling for stats, if you know what I mean.
-There's the idea that females should submit to femininity, males to masculinity, that I think completely ignores the beauty of variation.
-Oh, yeah, and feminism basically just confused women into thinking they had rights... um... yeah. Silly women! Escaping your abusive husband is just you fighting against your inner nature.
-That slave girls are for sex and pleasure and that's their main duty. I don't know- my submissives main duty is to bring me pleasure, I suppose, but that's within blacking a boot as much as it's in a good fuck.
-It's SUPER DUPER HETEROSEXUAL with absolutely no self-examination of how people who aren't hets would fit in. I think a philosophy should cover all the bases- again, variation.
-Things like this-
"There is a difference' laughed Hassan, 'between the pride of a free woman and the pride of the slave girl. The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man. The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself.' " John Norman, Tribesmen of Gor-
which implies that free women are just kidding themselves- people into this lifestyle say everyone's different, and we're not equal but we should all be respected, but that doesn't come through in the "philosophy"

It also doesn't help that most of the time when you hear "Gorean" it's about a man who's held a woman against her will, stripped her of her money and self worth and mistreated her. To me, Gor speaks to male privilege, to men who want to go back to the "good old days" pre-feminism of kidnapping a woman and raping her, and it's ok cause she's a woman and that's what they're for!

However, things that squick other people- 24/7, constant sexual availability, not using safewords- those don't bother me so much, though I imagine the constant sexual availability would be hard to maintain.

I've been reading "Ramblings of a Kajira" in an attempt to better understand. And I've just not discovered that John Norman wrote a sex manual called "Imaginative Sex" and that Pat Califia wrote a foreword for it! He says
the original 1974 edition of the book "was one of the first above-ground nonfiction books to offer a rationalization for dominant/submissive role-playing and some instructions about how to do it". Wow, ok. Hm.

Amusingly, within the sex manual, Norman doesn't suggest you be whipped, but rather than the Dom clap his hands and the slave react as if being whipped. Aww! I wonder what he'd think of the scene now...

Anyway. I do try to respect anyone's kink. I guess what it is about Gor is not that I don't get it as much as it reminds me of other things, like monotheistic religions that go around saying "this is the REAL way". Still, whatever- in the circles I run in, it's irrelevant, I doubt anyone would admit they were Gorean even if they were.


on sucking cock

Also, I wanted to do a response to a poem I found today:

"Nothing is worse than sucking cock

the vile taste of a dick in your mouth
unwashed, dirty ‘n thrusting to the back of your throat
like it’s a normal thing to do…

And if that’s not bad enough, they expect you to
swallow their cum and enjoy the taste.

Repulsive, throat gagging, vile sliver of
spunk splurts down your throat and you swallow
wishing you had just bit his dick off instead
so that you never have to do that shit again."

It kind of amuses me that this was written by someone who identifies as a lesbian. I would imagine that cocksucking would be pretty repulsive to someone who didn't find men attractive. Am I alone in that..?

Anyway, I love sucking cock. And I thought maybe I should write my own poem to express why, really, because it's been a while since I wrote a poem and, well, might as well be about cocksucking, yeah?

So, I give you:


nothing is better than sucking cock

from when i first feel your flesh
against my hand
i want you

i want to throw you down
and tie your hands behind your head
so you can focus on nothing else
but me
and my mouth

i love to bury my nose in your scent
your musk, your sweat
to let my tongue leave trails of wetness
against your shaft
run my lips, hard, and slow
up, up, and feel you stiffen

i love it when you close your eyes
and surrender
when you moan with desperation and desire
when your cock pulses
wanting to be further inside the wet velvet
of my throat

i love it with latex
encasing you, confining you
with leather
wrapped around your shaft
or with my tongue
running, lightly
over cling film
you straining underneath
so close, and yet so far...

i love it when you cum
when you gasp
and your back arches
and your orgasm is mine

when your cum smears across my lips
or slides down my throat
like cream
it's indulgent
and wanton

i love to lick the traces of cum
from the tip
and watch you shiver
i love it when it's too much
for you to handle

and i love it when you kiss me


vote yes on prop K so I can go back to California

This is Sadie Lune. She wants a wife, sex worker rights, and possibly more hats to add to her collection. She's this very sexy poster girl for Proposition K, a move to decriminalize prostitution in San Francisco.

Let me introduce you to Prop K.

Prop K will bar police from investigating and prosecuting prostitution charges. It will also deny funds for the First Offender Prostitution Program (“john school", a guilt-trip misinformation meeting to attempt to make men feel badly about seeing hookers) and stop the city from harassing sex workers of color under the guise of "rescuing trafficking victims". These police operations tend to target streetwalkers and massage parlors- yet they also indulge in these businesses as entertainment for their officers.

Prop K also forces police to investigate charges of battery, rape, extortion, and other violent crimes, even if the victim is a sex worker. Nope, that doesn't happen now- if they know or discover you're in the industry they'll drop charges and not take it seriously. Cause, as we all know, you can't rape a hooker, right?

If it doesn't pass in San Francisco, we'll go back to doing what we always do- advertising in slogans and slang, never quite being able to say what we will and won't do and for how much, never quite being able to negotiate fully, always trying to skirt the issue and be clear with a prospective customer without being too clear unless it's a cop. As a dominatrix I will be unable to offer sex, and even then I will have to be wary as BDSM counts as sex for money if they really want to press the issue.

If it DOES pass, it'll be a huge sigh of relief and I'll be able to work the way I do here- nice advertising, chilled out time with guys, clear expectations which leads to way hotter sexy fun. We'll have access to better health care, legal advice, and emotional support.

Either way... it's not like I'd stop working. I would just be working in secret and in fear instead of being the proud woman you see here.

Another blog for another time about "Challenging Man's Demand for Prostitution in Scotland", that lovely document where they refuse to let their survey questions be seen and they come to conclusions that 10% of punters would rape a woman if they didn't think they'd be caught.

Though I do like this:
"There is also a quick vote poll on the Daily Record home page ‘What is the best way to end prostitution?’
As I write this at 5.30pm on 28th April the preliminary results are:-
Arrest hookers - 12.0%
Arrest punters - 35.6%
Reduce poverty - 22.1%
Reduce drug use - 30.3%"

There's a big difference. In the States, we arrest hookers. Here, we want to arrest punters. Really what we need to do is reduce poverty and maybe drug use... but that's really hard. Arresting people is easier and looks more exciting.

I'll conclude with Sadie's amazing performance that won first prize in the SFMOMA "I Want You" contest (explanation on the video)-


also: question: has escorting changed you?

This was a question posted on one of my favorite forums: has escorting changed you, personality-wise?

Yes, I think it has. Mostly in good ways.

Sexually: yes, I've changed. I've become more confident, better at saying "I like it when you do this" and "no, don't do that, try this way", and better at holding to my boundaries. I'm much better at saying no. I'm also better at saying when something is uncomfortable for me. Because of all that, I've become stronger and more playful with roleplay and other adventurous sexual behaviors, because I know better what I will like and not like. I've also realized I like some things with some people, and that's ok- it doesn't have to be all or nothing with my sweeties or my clients.

Emotionally: I'm waaaay more stable. Maybe it's partially financial independence, partially growing a bit older, and partially being in a stable relationship. I feel better able to tell what my emotional needs are, when I need to take time out, when I need support and when I need time alone. I think selling of my time has helped me to figure out what I get out of those encounters, if they drain or charge me, and what I would then need from my sweeties to make myself feel energized and healthy. I'm generally way more chill. I still struggle to not personalize my encounters as much (I really put myself into my sessions and it can be hard sometimes to keep professional boundaries, or to recognize what those are for myself, like in disclosing my personal life), but I'm learning to be more professional and the more I know my boundaries the better able I am to give of myself fully, within those constraints. Also, I love my body in a way I never did before!

Personality: I think I laugh more. I still worry about money sometimes, and I push myself pretty hard, but I also feel confident. I think it shows. I feel like an adult, and people comment on how mature I am, but at the same time I don't think I've lost a sense of humor or fun. I've... well, aged, maybe, like a delicious blue cheese. ::laughs:: And I'm WAY less melodramatic!!! WAY less. And less depressed. Less anxious too. I feel very in control of my life, in a non-psychotic way. :)

Basically, I feel more myself in every sense. I feel generally very fulfilled. Sometimes I get frustrated at timewasters or feeling like people judge me about my work, but it helps me to cultivate compassion and loving kindness. It's been a struggle, and a meditation, but I feel better now that I ever have, and I think my job has helped with that.

I will add that the nature of my job sometimes leads me to need snuggle time that's not sexual, though I find that happens less and less. I was struggling last year with PTSD around past sexual abuse, and it would have been impossible for me then to be doing what I do now. But taking it slowly, and treating myself with compassion and respect, choosing the clients with care and having lovely sweeties that take good care of me and understand, has led me to become a stronger, happier, more sexually fulfilled person. And that's true for both escorting and Domming.



A brief post to say:

I have been sickly, as I was diagnosed with the tonsillitis. Ick! However, I got meds, and I'm getting better, and my throat is almost 100% again. Hopefully, it'll be even better tomorrow. Yay!


Target Women: some amusing videos on media depictions of women

I don't know which of these I enjoy more- Disney Princesses or Cleaning, as they both made me laugh pretty hard. But what I like about these videos is because they're funny, they make some incredible points while being entertaining. I believe this is the way to changing people's minds- through educated and pointed humor.