So I got a client asking me if I offered a discount on Christmas.

Considering there's no public transit and the cabs charge extra to run on the holiday, WHY would I work for any cheaper? If anything I should get time and a half, right?

Argh.

Other than that blip, my holiday was lovely. Spent most of it on the laptop or watching TV, but very chilled out, very relaxed. I had a dinner party on the 23rd, and was lucky to have fireworks brought for me by E (I got to light my first and only firework EVER which was exciting) and my girlfriend and I spent most of today chipping away at the leftovers. We also watched Hogfather, and Doctor Who, and some other bits and pieces.

I'm excited about two of my naughty holiday presents- a clit pump and a black furry butt plug cat tail. The tail is something I've drooled over for a long time and having it makes me really, really happy. It's a bit on the bigger side, but that's kinda fun. I can't wait to try it out with my kitty ears and a little bowl of milk... And the clit pump just seems like it'll be interesting fun. I may try it out tomorrow and offer up a review. ;)

Apparently tomorrow I may well be kidnapped along with my girly by T though I'm imagining this to not be in a sexual way. However, this fits in nicely with a particularly hot fantasy that TB whispered in my ear while I was masturbating a few days ago, involving him, my girlfriend, T, E, and J&J. This whispered suggestion of a scene involving me being trussed up for use by my current or hopefully future play partners was incredibly hot and is something I'm kinda thinking about more often. To prove this point even typing out that turned me on enough for me to try out the clit pump, which offers up not enough vibration but an interesting mix of pleasure and pain that I find rather exciting. More experimentation, I expect?

I'm also excited about an upcoming play party I'll be going to, hopefully with a few friends, and an overnight date with E that sounds like I may well be on the bottom. Yum. I'm a bit eager to have my hands help down while my neck is bitten, and my bruises are starting to fade- a terrible predicament, truly. And looking at the really sexy photos TB and I took for the holidays... well, I'm missing him a bit. More than a bit.

It's really about time I sleep though so I can make it through tomorrow!

"you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv-
you penetrate me

and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea

and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me

and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally?"

-Grey, Ani Difranco

This song has been pulling at my heart as the days creep forwards when I'll have to go back to the States and away from being the femme on the arm of E, or the playfulness and giggles of my time with T, or the dark/light kinky fun and intimacy I have with TB. I vehemently DON'T WANT TO GO. I am home when I am here. I am loved. I am filled with joy and sexy play and love and purpose when I am here.

TB keeps trying to get me to perk up about it, reminding me that these things take time and I need to be patient, that if I really want to I will be back here, but it needs to be a long term plan. And my logical self knows all that but it doesn't stop the little panic attacks that rise up in my stomach or the pit of ick that sinks to the bottom of my stomach. And all I want is to crawl into people's arms and not come out til it's all over.

On a happier note, E proposed to me Christmas Eve eve! I'm excited, delighted, and flattered- he knows it's going to be a long journey to get me back to the UK but he cares about me enough to walk that path with me, and I care enough about him to want to make sure we do it right. We want to marry here, for sure, so we're going to speak to a solicitor to find out what we need to do to make all this happen. And he knows about my work, and my open relationship, and it's all fine- we're going to write a contract to cover all the bases. So I'm not being crazy impulsive with this, but at the same time... I'm following my heart!

First it was a stint talking about phone sex work for Current TV's Sex and Money-

http://filmtv.entertainment-focus.com/news119.php

Then it was the discussion of the Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society for Generation Sex- unfortunately, no link, though I have had people ask "was that you??"

Then it was being interviewed in the Independent about how I feel about the trafficking laws-

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/sex--the-citizens-new-prostitution-laws-explained-1026318.html

And now, the BBC News site about working over Xmas!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7786629.stm

I've so far had a few requests for info because of this stuff, the last two in particular. Which is great! Means I get clients interested in the politics of sex work, not just getting off.

I'm, as they would say in England, well chuffed.

:)

Every day I fall in love with my life all over again.

The last week has been awhirl with going to see Avenue Q with E, having a getting-to-know-you date with T, rope bondage fun with TB and some really fun work sessions that have served to excite and inspire me all over again. Highlights have included:

-giggling short but sweet pillow fights
-dark confessions whispered as hot skin touches hot skin
-geeky client that looked like a British JoCo
-incredibly delicious tuna dinners
-decorative bruising
-finding perfect holiday presents
-sexy new underpants
-lots of snuggling to sleep with sexy people
-meeting my future husband at a munch
-free cake
-getting chocolates from a client just because!

Today I had two new clients, and they were both fun in different ways. The first was not used to dungeon equipment or kinky play- he normally went with fairly vanilla stuff. Well, he was a bit scared, but he trusted me to open his eyes to the possibilities of kinky sensual play... and he loved it. The second was on a self-discovery journey and was eager to try new things, so that was fun too! I love being able to introduce people to how varied and colorful and amazing sex can be if you get creative with it.

So, while there's that tint of sad, it's not all mopes for Kittyville. And I'll try to elaborate on the sexytimes later.

Every day feels like a weight, heavy in my heart, adding to this sense of depression I keep trying to push back, I keep trying to ignore. I don’t want to go back to California. Sure, it’s a great place, filled with amazing people, and it’s creative and inspiring and NOT LONDON.

It’s not easy to be a sex worker in San Francisco. First there’re the laws that keep you constantly looking over your shoulder and trying to work out if someone’s trying to pull something with you. Entrapment may be illegal but that doesn’t make it rare. The cops treat sex workers like we’re subhuman, more often than not, with the support of a community that keeps being told that decriminalization would ruin neighborhoods and “think of the children”. There’s how you can’t specify what you offer and don’t offer, because if you’re too specific and a cop is on the line you could be arrested without ever taking your clothes off. There’s the fact that because it’s illegal places that are reputable to advertise on can set their price as high as they’d like, cause who would you complain to?

Add to that clients who constantly have reinforced that hookers = drug addicts = subhuman, and you have clients who feel it’s their prerogative to insult you, threaten you, put their hands on you in nonconsensual ways. It’s hard to love your job when your clients treat you like shit day in and day out. And even harder when there’s nothing you can do about it, which is the way it feels in the States. I remember getting texts from a guy saying wasn’t it tragic how many hookers died every year, or phone messages telling me that I was a fat pig who didn’t deserve to get fucked for free, much less paid for it. Horrible things that people would never imagine saying to someone’s face gets thrown at sex workers.

I haven’t dealt with any of that shit here. The one guy who was bothering me about my sex work was taken seriously by the police. Other than that, people only contact you if they actually want to see you for a session, not just to take out their misogyny on someone. Such a little thing, but it means a lot to me. I enjoy my work more here because I get treated with respect.

Having had that, going back to trolling for substandard punters who will subsequently treat me like a commodity instead of a person providing a service is just a depressing thought. I’m trying not to think about it much. With that in mind, expect a much perkier entry soon.

After my last blog I got this email from someone who's close to me and knows quite a bit about how I act... she said some great shit, and with her permission I'm going to post it here for reference.

*************************
Hi Kitty-

I'm sending this email rather than as a comment, because i don't know what you might want to share.

But yeah- your concerns are valid. You do have an ability to push people; it's both choices you make (in my experience), and a level of charisma you have which is not necessarily intentional but which is nonetheless effective.

This may or may not be what someone wants in a pro setting.

This may or may not be what someone wants in a personal setting.

Still: it's worth thinking about both situations, and what your personal boundaries are- because relying on others to implement boundaries is NOT, in my opinion, safe for you; you are too capable of overwhelming them even unintentionally.

Have you watched all the Buffy eps? One of the ones that troubles me- not so much in terms of the ep, but in terms of people's response- is the one where Spike almost raped Buffy. See- I think even characterizing it as that is somewhat unfair; as far as I could see, he was acting in what passed for normal in their pretty unhealthy relationship- and once he saw that THIS TIME she really DID mean "no," he backed off. Because all those other times- she did NOT really mean No, even when she said it.

And that's what makes it complicated. Personally- I think everyone should respect ALL No's, and if that leads to the nay-sayer being frustrated... well, isn't that a valuable lesson on taking ownership of one's desires??? In my opinion, that could be serious edge-play. :)

So: I rather favor NOT overwhelming people even- or especially- when that's what they want. But that's a personal choice.

I do think that if one knows one is able to overwhelm, one ought to take that very seriously and try to use this power only for good.

**************

This gives me a lot to ponder. So, hopefully I'll post something fluffy and sexy for y'all for the holidays while I mull this one through.

"It's easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission".

Is this true? Is this the way I've been operating? I wonder sometimes if I'm so interested in taking care of my needs and getting what I want that I steamroll over others. Actually, I don't wonder- I know it happens. I'm very sure of myself and what I want, and I think people cave. I mean, I can be very persuasive when there's something I want, and... well, as one of my sweeties said, I tend to take "no" as an opening for discussion.

Bearing in mind the sort of kinks I play with, this isn't ok. It's not something I want to foster in myself. I mean, when someone safewords I respect it, it's not that- I just... I don't know, don't want to cajole people into sex, y'know? It feels too close to rape. In a bad sense, not a sexy sense. And maybe that's where it's confusing- I enjoy the chase, the coquettes who say "oh, I don't know.." when their eyes say "keep talking". I like getting what I want. But I don't want to be that kind of person. If I was a man I would be creepy as hell.

I used to get a sick joy out of manipulation. I used to read books about seduction techniques and would study them like textbooks. I perfected the art of puppy eyes and using people's desires against them. I know how to manipulate people's energy on some level, just not always how to control it. I imagine that's what makes my clients enjoy me... but...

I had hoped I was being more honest. I try to be ethical, I do... I don't know really how to go forward. I know it's not wrong to know what you want and go after it, but how can you be sure, really sure, that other people are with you for the journey? That you aren't just leading them because they can be led?

"He uses duct tape and plastic wrap".

Coupled with tossing a girl onto the bed for passionate fighting/fucking...

Is it any wonder I love Dexter?

I've been dreaming of duct tape and plastic wrap for the past few weeks. Imagining his flesh straining against the wrap, crinkling lightly as he shifts... the duct tape winding around his legs, his chest, pressed against his lips, his eyes slightly widened, rimmed in black and silver... mm. It makes me wet, imagining him like this, so helpless, as I rub my wetness against the outside of the wrap. The way it slips and slides, the feeling of him stiffening as I rub my clit against him... it never gets OLD, it's new every time. And yet it remains familiar... deliciously familiar.

Season 2, the one I've been watching, has a manifesto in it- Dexter creates a manifesto from bits and pieces of things he finds on the net...

If I had a manifesto, what would it be, exactly? I wonder...

I did two tarot readings, and both came up with similar themes- death, rebirth, renewal after difficult circumstances, being tested to see what you’re made of, exploring your shadows to truly see your light. I suspect this indicates the next few months will be challenging and hard, but that this is where I decide if I am ready to give up old habits and start new ones. This is the sort of thing that will forge me, if I let it.

When one tarot tells you that once, that’s one thing. But when two different styles say the same thing, with some of the same cards, even… it’s a knock on the head to pay attention. Shifting is going to happen. The big question is, then- how will I react?

Well, in my current situation, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I would normally react and how I want to consciously choose to react. I think the hardest thing will be letting go of my anger, making room in my experience for joy, and not at the expense of others. I need to consider if my reasons for my actions are coming from the right place- am I questing towards justice and compassion, or towards revenge and justification?

The last time I felt this way, I went towards revenge. I had felt helpless, vulnerable, uncomfortable, and I wanted to fight back, to re-shield myself. This time, I want to do better. I want to behave in a way I can be proud of. Not a doormat, mind! But I also don’t want to waste my energy, especially this time of year, on something emotionally black and draining. Now is the time for turning that shit around.

How am I going to do that? Well, I think severing contact is an important start. Having any communication be between him and legally appointed people is better. There is nothing to be accomplished through talking to him myself, except for allowing my anger to flame further. Additionally, I think I’m going to take care of myself with baths, massage, and long walks instead of sitting at home stewing- I will spend time with my sweeties and friends instead of wallowing in negativity. And I will attempt to open my heart to love, peace, and compassion, instead of self-righteousness or fury. I think I can do the right thing while still maintaining distance and boundaries.

This is all kind of scary. I know, I know, it’s not really sexy enough for my blog, but it’s important to me, and I welcome support. Growing pains… will they ever cease?

So, where did I go for the past couple of weeks..?

I have to admit- it pleased me immensely that the first couple of people to ask me where this blog went were my parents, who said they hoped they were still going to be allowed to read it. Aww! There’s nothing like the support of family to make difficult times easier to swallow- and while we’ve had our ups and downs, I am proud to call them my family.

I’ve also gotten emails from people I don’t know hoping to see this blog again, which was really inspiring. Thank you, guys! And thanks, especially, to my sweeties, who have been a huge support and have given me a lot of love and assistance in the past couple of weeks.

Basically, what happened was that my ex-housemate informed me that he knew about my work and proceeded to try to use my blog to intimidate me. I closed down the blog while I was still technically living with him, but now any communication between us will be limited to solicitors- I decided to take his behavior pretty seriously. Because maybe it’s just Alicia and I he tried to strong arm this time, but how many others? And I refuse to change how I live my life because of fear. So there you go!
I figure I’m going to try to take deep breaths and let go. I mean, I’ll follow the legal process, of course, but in the day-to-day I will foster compassion and loving kindness instead of anger. And I will surround myself with my friends and family, chosen and given- because I realized through all this just how lucky I am to have the support of such amazing people and have such incredible resources at my disposal. I am a lucky, lucky girl. And I would rather focus on the blessings I have instead of the source of negativity.

So, after that frightfully hippie statement!...

Seriously, though, I guess this really hit home during Thanksgiving. Spending it in Krakow with some of my chosen family really healed and invigorated me. I have a lot to be grateful for- and while London has been a series of ups and downs, I have definitely grown here- stronger, more rooted, more… whole. Every trial is another fucking opportunity for growth, right? And I thrive.