I did two tarot readings, and both came up with similar themes- death, rebirth, renewal after difficult circumstances, being tested to see what you’re made of, exploring your shadows to truly see your light. I suspect this indicates the next few months will be challenging and hard, but that this is where I decide if I am ready to give up old habits and start new ones. This is the sort of thing that will forge me, if I let it.

When one tarot tells you that once, that’s one thing. But when two different styles say the same thing, with some of the same cards, even… it’s a knock on the head to pay attention. Shifting is going to happen. The big question is, then- how will I react?

Well, in my current situation, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I would normally react and how I want to consciously choose to react. I think the hardest thing will be letting go of my anger, making room in my experience for joy, and not at the expense of others. I need to consider if my reasons for my actions are coming from the right place- am I questing towards justice and compassion, or towards revenge and justification?

The last time I felt this way, I went towards revenge. I had felt helpless, vulnerable, uncomfortable, and I wanted to fight back, to re-shield myself. This time, I want to do better. I want to behave in a way I can be proud of. Not a doormat, mind! But I also don’t want to waste my energy, especially this time of year, on something emotionally black and draining. Now is the time for turning that shit around.

How am I going to do that? Well, I think severing contact is an important start. Having any communication be between him and legally appointed people is better. There is nothing to be accomplished through talking to him myself, except for allowing my anger to flame further. Additionally, I think I’m going to take care of myself with baths, massage, and long walks instead of sitting at home stewing- I will spend time with my sweeties and friends instead of wallowing in negativity. And I will attempt to open my heart to love, peace, and compassion, instead of self-righteousness or fury. I think I can do the right thing while still maintaining distance and boundaries.

This is all kind of scary. I know, I know, it’s not really sexy enough for my blog, but it’s important to me, and I welcome support. Growing pains… will they ever cease?

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