under pressure

"It's easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission".

Is this true? Is this the way I've been operating? I wonder sometimes if I'm so interested in taking care of my needs and getting what I want that I steamroll over others. Actually, I don't wonder- I know it happens. I'm very sure of myself and what I want, and I think people cave. I mean, I can be very persuasive when there's something I want, and... well, as one of my sweeties said, I tend to take "no" as an opening for discussion.

Bearing in mind the sort of kinks I play with, this isn't ok. It's not something I want to foster in myself. I mean, when someone safewords I respect it, it's not that- I just... I don't know, don't want to cajole people into sex, y'know? It feels too close to rape. In a bad sense, not a sexy sense. And maybe that's where it's confusing- I enjoy the chase, the coquettes who say "oh, I don't know.." when their eyes say "keep talking". I like getting what I want. But I don't want to be that kind of person. If I was a man I would be creepy as hell.

I used to get a sick joy out of manipulation. I used to read books about seduction techniques and would study them like textbooks. I perfected the art of puppy eyes and using people's desires against them. I know how to manipulate people's energy on some level, just not always how to control it. I imagine that's what makes my clients enjoy me... but...

I had hoped I was being more honest. I try to be ethical, I do... I don't know really how to go forward. I know it's not wrong to know what you want and go after it, but how can you be sure, really sure, that other people are with you for the journey? That you aren't just leading them because they can be led?

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