I think, along with sex worker burnout, I'm suffering kink, poly, and femme burnout.
Or maybe it's just a generalized burnout.
I remember in one of my favourite Marilyn Monroe flicks, "Some Like it Hot", Marilyn is explaining to Jack Lemmon how easily she falls for saxophone players. She gives the cutest little pout, and says how she feels like a tube of toothpaste, all squeezed out. But knowing that, knowing that these guys will do the same thing, time and again, doesn't stop her for going for them anyway.
That's how I feel, at the moment.
I've been trying to get some playtime with G, the one person I play with who's particularly Dominant. Unfortunately, each time we try to make plans, they've had to be moved and/or cancelled, generally pretty last minute, due to his work. Often, I'm up, and excited, and packed for play when I get the text. I'm trying hard to be understanding, to practice loving kindess and compassion... but deep down, I feel unimportant, hurt, and guilty for caring so much. I mean, G and I have no real agreement. We get together sometimes, and it's fun, right? I guess I thought we clicked so well kinkwise that I considered my submissive needs taken care of... but it's an uneven situation, as I don't, I guess, offer him anything he doesn't have elsewhere. And, ultimately, I don't know what to do or think when he says how he'll make it up to me... esp as this playdate was partially making up for one Friday that also had to be cancelled last minute. Who's to say it won't happen again, and who am I to feel upset about it? I mean, everyone has to pay rent, right?
This ties totally in to my prior post about "He's Not That Into You". This is where the insecurity gets triggered. Is it just about work, or is it easy to shunt me aside? And how do I say "this hurts my feelings, and my trust", without it making our playdates into more than they are?
Relationships are shit.
I guess it especially gets under my skin after everything with Sh. I feel trapped around how to behave- on the one hand, I only have, what, 20 days left? Just under 3 weeks. I don't feel like I've got time for people who don't have time for me. But then, on the other hand, I really LIKE G and know that the temptation to sabotage is a stupid one to indulge. And, as S and E pointed out, maybe these people aren't getting too close as I am about to leave again, and so they're focusing on what will be there for them when I'm gone, the stuff that's consistant. At the moment, I'm not.
I guess it's particularly poignant as, for work, I get paid to take care of other people's needs, and to smile and charm my way through it. And with my friends, I feel, as usual, torn between emotional honesty and feeling like they're too distant to care, and I shouldn't trouble them with my bullshit. So I try to ask for things within their ability to give, and yet... there's quite a bit missing. Maybe I need a primary after all, like E said. Maybe I should be like the rest of the population- be monogamous and cheat. Hell, maybe what I really need is a sex worker.
It's not like I haven't had fun. I went to a fetish club Sat with H and had a pretty good time, even though at first I felt kind of apprehensive. And I went to a fun fair with her and a new friend, who asked to be dubbed Influenza. That was really awesome too. I am trying to get myself out of this funk- as I type I'm off to see E at the new pub, for example- but I still feel shitty. I feel like most of my time and energy is spent being the good little femme and taking care of others, or being the mature poly person and pretending that it's all cool, I can take care of myself, I don't need other people. But I kinda do. I want to get taken care of myself for a little while. I just don't have anyone to ask, so I scrape the bottom of the barrel of my psyche to try to hold onto what little I have left... and then I have another appointment, and bit my bit, it all gets taken away.
I just don't want to have to be on top of everything for a day. Or even 4 hours.