emotional broadband

Intimacy isn't difficult for me to access. I've believed it was because of my empathy, or because I'm lonely/clingy, because of my time in SF where that's more common or because of my time in the hospital where you made great friends and lost them in days. You never really knew when you'd see someone again, so why wish you had gotten to know them better when you could just invest the time? What's there to lose, really?

This probably makes me good at my job, because I can connect quickly and easily to a fair number of types of people. One of the things I hear the most often is that I make them feel comfortable in a way that other girls haven't before. I connect, not on an artificial level, not as an aritifical persona, but on a real level, as me. I'm not faking, not pretending- this is it. This is who and how I am.

But in my personal relationships- with my friends, casual play partners, lovers- this is Very Scary. Maybe it's because it's a foreign concept. Maybe it's because they've taught themselves to be shielded, learned that was how to play emotionally safe. Maybe they'd prefer that I kept this stuff to myself, was more closed off, more of a challenge. Maybe it's because I'm actually a crazy stalker girl at heart, and doing this is crazy, or unhealthy, or just Wrong on some level. I'm not sure. I'm not honestly sure if it's something I can control and fence off, or if this sort of connection is just my nature. I worry that I'll spend my life chasing an intimacy others just aren't capable of.

In general, I'd say that this openness of heart is adventageous. I like caring about people. I like being in touch with my emotions. I'm still learning how to share without spewing, for sure, but I'm happy with myself, really. It's not coming from a place of lack within myself as far as I can tell. These connections are important to me, and important for my emotional well-being. I don't know if it's something I could change, or would want to.

When I was growing up, I seriously believed I must be from another dimension or something. Sometimes I look at how people act and react and feel so distant from it I wonder if we're the same general makeup. It's like that with this emotional broadband, this fast-speed connection- it comes so easily and truly to me that I just don't get how other people struggle with it, or why. And that just adds another layer to the feeling of isolation.

I've noticed a real fear of how much I like the people I've met/played with/hang out with here in London. I'm scared of being hurt again, but also scared to not let my heart be open and have a connection, even for a little while, that's amazing. Ultimately, I find that worth it. Still, I'm running scared... and I wonder if it'll ever get better.

Is it love for the universe? Or insanity?

Who can tell?

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