"Kitty Stryker" is my work name, but it's also the name I go by in the day-to-day- most people call me by it, and while it's not my legal name, it feels like the name I've settled into.

But today, I was thinking a lot about who goes out every day. Is it my female self or my femme self?

I always present as feminine. Consciously or not, no one ever doubts I'm feminine. Whether I'm in jeans or fancy dress, makeup or not, I've never been asked my gender identity. I doubt I'll ever get asked what pronoun I'd like used. This is a privilege in a lot of ways. It's also a trap. I'll never pass as butch, much less as a man, and that's generally ok with me. But when I reflect on gender, I don't know if I identify as feminine.

Femme, as a gender, seemed like it might well fit the bill. There's a movie I've wanted to see about this: "Female to Femme", and I think that it might bring up some ideas that would help me in my reflection. The filmmaker Elizabeth Stark, identifies part of femme as such:

“Femmes know how to make love to other women, to butches, to transmen. In my opinion, this is an art and should not be overlooked. Femmes know how to fail and succeed at femininity at the same time. We use our flaws, our fat, our hairiness, our loud mouths, our oversized brains and our excessive accessorizing to celebrate ourselves and those we love…and to foment revolution.”

I read this, and other books on femme, and think to myself, "yes- when I put on lipstick, nail polish, mascara, this is my war paint- my corsets and boots are my armor." These are things I put on when I'm going to face the world, as Kitty Stryker, as femme. Sure, some women put these things on for men, or to feel attractive. I don't. I do it because when I do it it turns this body into me. As my favorite person ever RuPaul said, "we're born naked, all the rest is drag".

So I'm fairly comfortable with that aspect, that femme is something I put on most of the time, or at least attempt to. And I'm pretty comfortable with my methods of attaining femme- I try to be ethical in my choices. So lets set those issues aside for the sake of this post.

One thing I struggle with as an aspiring femme is femme as carer and cared for. Whenever I read about butch/femme, there's this dynamic of care, each caring for the other in their way. A lot of erotica and memoirs about femmes discuss how they inspired people to cherish them, not because they weren't powerful but in a recognition of their power and subsequent desire to relinquish some of their load. I appreciate that quite a bit. But I find, as an aspiring femme, that my general ability to keep the household in order, people on the ball, and cats herded means that other people prefer to step back and let me do it.

In a way, knowing that others believe me to be capable should be empowering- no one looks at me as a weak woman who can't take care of herself. But at the same time, it's exhausting and draining to be the caregiver, the organizer, She Who Must Be Obeyed- sometimes I want to let go and be taken care of myself for a while, without that being an expression of weakness or of submission.

And it's particularly telling that the time I take out of all that to take care of myself is usually conveniently timed for when I have an appointment- and then, is it really for me, or is it for my clients..?

Which brings me to the other weird side of femme for me. I would self-identify, on a good, not-thinking-too-hard-into-it day, as a femme queer sex worker. I dress nicely, sure, but no different than I would for a job interview or a date. I'm considering the following- when I dress in this way, am I dressing femme, claiming femme, or am I just, on some level, catering to mens ideas of femininity? If I'm wearing lipstick, can it ever really just be because I like it?

It still feels sometimes like I'm in Mum's closet, wearing her clothes and pretending to be something I'm not. Probably because I don't have a lot of friends who self identify as femme, people around me I can point to and say, "yes, that's femme, and that, and that". Those who are feminine here either wouldn't identify as femme or don't sit and think about this stuff at all, not the self-claiming of femme I'm looking for. Butches don't tend to come on to me (possibly because London is more a place where butches play with butches and femmes with femmes). Even the men who tend to like me like me being in control- there isn't that push/pull dynamic, where the butch pulls out my chair and pays for dinner, and I dress up for my butch and cook her dessert. And maybe I'm looking at butch/femme itself totally wrong. I have no idea.

I guess after this whole entire post, that's my conclusion. The more I think about it, the more confused and conflicted I feel. I'll end with Elizabeth Stark again-

“My sexuality and desires, my sensibility and my gender expression are all going against the grain of the expected female. In fact, becoming a femme in a world that insists on a certain femininity … without taking on that enforced femininity is a delicate, powerful move; a transition indeed, that is under-investigated and overlooked. FtF begins to break that silence. And, like all silence-breakers, we’re already getting in some trouble for it.”

Do NOT call me "darling", "sweetie", "luv", "cutie", or any other name like that until we've met. And even then, proceed with caution. I really hate those sorts of pet names, particularly from men I don't know.

If you aren't paying me, you aren't paying me enough to patronize me.

Oh, wait, this is why I do sex work- because NO JOB will pay me enough to patronize me. It would be a whole lot. In fact, I don't know if there's a price high enough.

It probably depends on my mood.

I was joking with a friend about this- the client who says "just do what you want".

What I want would go in this order-

-you pay me and I leave, nothing else happens
-you pay me and then clean my house and then leave
-you pay me and I tie you up, leave you in a corner while I read, and then untie you and leave
-you pay me and I hit you with things til I'm bored/satisfied then I leave

Oh, and I don't dress up for any of the above. I'm in my comfy robe, or jeans and a tee shirt.

Maybe if you get me on a horny day I'll want you pierce you and tie bits of your body to other bits. Or maybe I'd want to get you to suck my strap on while I slap your face with it.

Or you'd get me on the first crampy day of my period and I'd want to kick you in the balls and watch you crumple.

This is why "just do what you want" is a terrible thing to say. I'm doing this professionally, which means if you want to be satisfied with the product you have to know what you want. And if I feel unforgiving about that sort of laziness, you'll likely end up tied up in a corner covered with menses and glitter, clamps tight on your nipples and cane welts on your ass as you suck cock- and I, btw, will no longer be there. Is that what you want?

This weekend was Skin Two weekend, which gets a lot of people in a tizzy- flurries of latex, rushing about from party to party, all sorts of excitement.

Me, well, I like my 11pm bedtime, so I just go for the shopping.

The shopping was reasonable- a lot like LAM usually except with more stuff for the boys this time, I found. There aren't the same sort of "con deals" you get with comic conventions or even the Kinky Flea in Massachusetts- so I was able to resist buying another corset, secure in the knowledge I could get it at the next LAM instead. However, I did get a few toys:

-a horsehair flogger with wood handle
-a ballchain flogger with metal handle
-a two-tongued short whip, leather, with wood handle
-a rope carpet-beater, with wood handle
-a carbon fiber cane (all the above from Jack's Floggers)
-2 10m bits of red hemp rope, treated

I also got a metal dildo in Brighton. ::grin:: A bunch of fun new toys to play with!

It was also very nice to find a dress that fit my girlfriend like a dream- sort of industrial looking with some drape-y floaty bits. And the clothes that the boy got- some fetish dandy styled stuff- are divine. Pinstripe long skirt with slits and zippers, a fitted shirt with built in nipple clamps (Jed Phoenix- omg hot) and a shinyshiny corset. I WILL go to the ball! Well, ok, or maybe just Night of the Senses.

Shopping is exhausting. I'm glad to have had two reasonably submissive bottoms on hand, because my foot massage on day one after standing in heels? It was incredible.

"...nations would tease each other until they developed eating disorders. "

Hah! Ok, ok, just kidding. Or am I?

It's sad, but I think the show "When Women Rule the World" is basically out to say "look, see what happens when we put women in charge? They can't corral others into doing what needs to be done, they become bitchy and catty, and everything falls apart".

A quick statement about this show:

"The participants will be brought to a remote, primitive location where the women will have the opportunity to “rule” as they build a newly formed society – one where there is no glass ceiling and no dressing to impress. For the men, their worlds of power and prestige are turned inside-out and upside-down. And for these women, turnabout is fair play!"

Now, to be fair- this IS an idea from FOX. We can't expect anything challenging, or even terribly entertaining. However, I was caught up by the images of half naked men having paint slapped over them, and walking on the beach with pots balanced on their heads, and I had a tiny glimmer that this would at least have some imagery that would be sexy, you know, with the sound turned off. And I figured, as they'd pick guys who were chauvenist and obnoxious, watching them get taken down a notch would be... well, fuel for my fantasy fire, for sure.

When it starts, the host makes a point of saying that this is a world where women rule and men are subservient... you know, the opposite of the everyday. This is sad, and, I daresay, ignores other issues like class (I think a "festum stultorum" would make for a great show) and ethnicity (ooh, boy, now imagine a show where, say, black people are allowed to enslave and harass white people... somehow I doubt that'd be shown anytime soon). Oh, yeah, he also says "here, men are the weaker sex"... riiight.

Even so, I thought, hey, there's 8 women, at least a couple of them must have some tricks up their sleeves. One of them HAS to be a dominatrix, or at least a nanny. Now, I don't know how this happened, but the women choose one of the youngest people in the group, one of the women with the most attitude, to be the "Queen" and rule the roost. How they thought this would be a good idea, I don't know- I would've picked the calmest person there, maybe the person who wanted it least. Likely, it was fixed.

Anyway, as the men weren't told about the role they would be playing, many of them bristled. "I'm not going to be ruled by no woman!" more than one cried, though one seemed to be pleased- he was also the best behaved of any of the men. The women were all wearing various amounts of skimpy clothes (but all reflecting bad taste) in animal print- showing their authority, of course, but also their tits and legs! Hooray! (I imagine women in charge would be wearing comfy pajamas, but hey). The men are NOT forced to be half naked, but given rather ugly and dirty looking clothes to wear- not conducive to subjecting them to the female (or my) gaze, and rather a sad waste of some pretty flesh.

Each week, one of them gets voted off, presumably for being the least productive or the most difficult. I don't think they're allowed to whip them, sadly, or even slap them for fun, or possibly even tie them up (a damn shame, really- there were a couple who would've benefitted from being made into a table, or a sign, or just left to sit in the Naughty Chair).

The show spends a lot of time focused on the men rating the attractiveness of the women, but not vice versa. I was sort of hoping for the women to comment to each other about how sexy the men look lugging wood and furniture around (they have to set up the camp themselves, you see). But no, the women don't seem interested in much more than bitching and nagging the men constantly- which makes the men hate and resent them more, while reinforcing gender stereotypes AND making sure this "social experiment" isn't at all relaxing for the women! Score!

Only woman encourages her servant by complimenting what he does well, which means he works harder for her- this is the singular well behaved guy on the show. He's likely a dickwad- FOX did pick him, after all- but he gets what it's about and he keeps his mouth shut. Like a good pet.

At least they didn't pull out aprons or some shit for them to wear for the domestic housework... oh, sorry, "women's work" as it's referred to in the show. The only punishment I really saw was a man getting water in his face and the same man having to eat alone... in the nicest place in the village. Puzzled? I am- even the least experienced Dominatrix wannabe knows about making men kneel and eat their food from a plate on the floor. Or not letting them have a plate. There's even a threat about putting him in women's underwear- because, you know, that'll humilate him, having to DRESS LIKE A WOMAN while DOING WOMEN'S WORK! I can't believe this is for real. Oh wait, it's Fox.

There's one guy on the show who fusses ad whines a lot. I wonder if these women have no experience with children, or have never watched "Supernanny"- when they act up, they want attention, so sit them down, tell them to think about what they've done, and disengage. Don't chase after them whinging and pestering.

Also I was irritated that the women would load the men up with stuff to do and then nag them. Keep it simple- a couple of things, reward or discipline, then a couple of things. This allows you time to chill out. Isn't that the point?

I kind of enjoy that they're reluctant to obey, but, if they want the money, they have to shut up and take it. Still, I wish the women were more respectable. I was amused that one guy bucks the "women rule" thing by up and quitting instead of the women choosing a guy to go. I was infuriated when the host asks him if he thought women could rule the world... this is NOT a good example of women being in charge, and it's sort of unfair to suggest that it is, even indirectly. It's just stupid reality television.

And I'm still pouting that there's no bondage or sadism. I was hoping to get some interesting ideas from this show, maybejustmaybe, but nah. If these women knew what they were doing, even if they can't physically discipline these guys, I would so totally wake them up at dawn with ice water in the face. :D

So, in conclusion? It's FOX. Why was I expecting any different?

Usually, when I'm on the phone having phone sex, I end up masturbating. I generally start out thinking "oh, god, whatever," rolling my eyes in the mirror at the fantasies that, to them, seem very taboo and unique and that, to me, are heterosexist propaganda studies. But more often than not, I get caught up in a piece of it, and end up rubbing one out, often with the attitude of "well, what else am I going to do?"

Oftentimes I cum. I leave feeling like I've accomplished an important part of my sexual health, and I feel like it's then easier to blog, or nap, or sew a costume or whatever it is. The thing that's sad, and unfortunate, is that they never recognize that I've already cum.

Wanker: Uhhh, uhh, yeah, I like fucking your pussy, it's so wet!
Me: Mmm, I'm rubbing my clit nice and hard, oooh, I can feel myself pulsing, I think i'm about to cum...
Wanker: Oh yeah baby, I want to feel you cum around my cock! (wapwapwapwap)
Me: (buzzbuzzbuzz) Oh my... oh my god... mmmm! Oooo! (heavy breathing, followed by short gasps)
Wanker: Your pussy is so wet, yeah! Cum baby, cum on my cock! Make a mess! I wanna hear you cum!
Me:..... (quiet as I gather my breath)
Wanker: CUM WITH ME! OH YEAH!
Me: (sighing to myself) OHGODOHGODYESYESYESFUCKMEYESOHGOD!
Wanker: UUUUUUUUH (gasps)

I mean, granted, it's a phone. I can't expect that he'd completely get it- my pussy isn't in front of him, for example, and we just "met". But I'm not exactly silent when I cum, either. I just don't howl the house down. Which is, of course, what they expect, more often than not, from watching porn, where the slightest touch from a man will turn women into quivering, cum-soaked sexpots. It's about theater, not reality. Still, it feels like a disservice.

Maybe next time I'll just say "I already came" and hang up.

It happens a lot. Someone politely asks me what I do for work, and I sit and look at them, trying to read them for what my response should be. Do I say hooker? Do I say escort? Dominatrix? Or do I not bother to field the whole sex work thing entirely and say something vague like admin or counseling?

It's funny in a way, because when I say something like I'm an escort or a hooker some people around me are eager to correct me, to say "no, no, you're a Dominatrix", like that's somehow "better" on the sex work hierarchy. Is it better to be a Dominatrix?

Does it depend on your working strategy? I mean, as a Domme, I do tend to run the fuck, even if he IS paying- I'm not going to do a session, generally, I'm not into, and even then I tend to incorporate my turn ons into the scene. I make it mine. I don't dress or act in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm in the headspace. I tend to tell my clients that I'll decide what we do and how much of what, within their checklists and limits of course. But I also care about customer satisfaction. Am I fooling myself? I mean, as a Dominant are you ever fully in control? Does the exchange of money make the power exchange less valid? More valid? I'm still working all that out.

I still do sexual acts for money. I'm still a hooker. I'm ok with that, I don't judge myself for it, it's just my job title. Or one of them. But I notice more often than not if I judge someone able to handle that I'm in the sex industry, I reach for Dominatrix more often than Prostitute. Is it because Hooker and Escort get used interchangeably for anything from streetwalking to brothels to high class courtesans, while Dominatrix is more consistantly understood? Am I scared of being judged after all? Quite possibly. I imagine it also has to do with coming from the States, where being a corset wearing Mistress of Pain is slightly closer to the legal side than being a sultry siren for hire.

And I will say, to those who say S/m isn't sex- when I slapped his face, my cunt got wet. When I tied him up and grabbed handfuls of his sweaty flesh, I wanted to kiss him as much as I wanted to pierce his skin. Sometimes I get so turned on that I want to fuck him and taste him and make him cry and scream and writhe all at the same time, and it's all just so hot that I need to take a step back before I lose it and just rip in like a 5 year old at a birthday party. It's sex for me. No doubt. Sure, I get paid- it's a bonus.

I haven't been clocking in for phone sex recently. Not entirely sure why it's lost my interest for the time being- possibly because I don't want to have to troll for clients when I can just meet people in person, which is much nicer.

Maybe this afternoon I'll give it another shot.

And it's about time I redye my hair. I like the reddish brown, so perhaps a bit more vivid this time?

It's odd, but since I've been back from Poland I've been perhaps overly aware of personal space. Like a feral cat, I become curious about human contact but easily spooked- a lack of sexual contact or context has left me unsure how to handle cuddling with my lovers.

Work is easier. First, I'm usually the Domme, so I get to decide how much contact and it's on my terms. There's an end point, so if I set an expectation high I don't have to do it again, I can just not session with that person anymore. I'm also not going to hurt someone's feelings, the way I might if I shrink away from a lover.

It's odd, being in this sexual world when I'm not really that sexual privately. It's not because of the work I do, I don't think- I get a different sort of rush out of it, the rush of power I suppose, though I have been surprised at how turned on I get in scene. I have recognized through my work that kink is very important for turning me on- erotic massage doesn't do it for me, but if I get to slap your face, my clit responds for sure.

No, I think that as I don't often cum with a partner, sex can be disappointing, because either I'm working for the other person's orgasm, or I'm just wishing I could cum more easily. Working for the other person's orgasm is fun, sure, but I have to be in the right space to put the energy into it... if I've had 3 clients that week, I might be a bit used up in that department. Also, the less sex I have, the less I desire, so it goes into a spiral. MENTALLY I desire the closeness, the intimacy, the orgasms- but I have so much experience with people complaining their wrists hurt, or not being able to maintain a sensation, or just not quite getting there, that I've given up. Things that are different make it easier- sex outdoors, sex in public, sex with strangers, trying something new I haven't incorporated into my play already- those things make me cum hard. But they make me cum hard because they're rare.

Physical touch, then, becomes almost sexual for me, because it's not something I tend to do just for the sake of it. I mean, I'm a hugger, that's ok for me- but other than that, I have to remind myself to hold hands, or pet hair, or do whatever. And as it's not so much a way to show me affection (I like service more, or doing something for me because I ask it) it can feel more like a chore than sweet.

Just some musings on the subject after discussing it with my girlfriend yesterday...

"Zeal" is a positive term, I think. To have zeal for something means to have a passion, a fervor, a tireless devotion to a cause- a powerful enthusiasm. Yet, to be a "zealot" is a negative term- it goes from fervor to militant in the dictionary, from being driven to being a fanatic.

I came to think about this when I was looking at a blog called the Wisdom of Whores. In it, the blogger, Elizabeth , says something in passing:

"It so happens that I’ve just finished Tracy Quan’s giggle-inducing Diary of a Jetsetting Call Girl (she’s especially funny about zealotry within sex worker activism itself; I made a mental note to plan a major cull of my T-shirt collection)."

I looked at the various shirts and things I have. And yep, I'm a zealot about sex positive sex work and expression. My "Hookers for Jesus" shirt, my PIC tote bag, a pin for the sex workers union. Treating sex work as work, destigmatizing sex workers, and challenging the stereotype that men are buyers, women are workers... these things are all very important to me. I try to read, watch and listen to as many sides of the argument as possible, and I'm happy to speak up whenever it's relevant.

Now, I haven't read any Tracy Quan (why read a fictional account when there's so many memoirs out there now anyway?) but I wonder- where's the line between being an activist and a zealot? Who decides? IS being a zealot bad?

I think I need another drink in my Porn Palace cup. :D