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oh, the fetish con

This weekend was Skin Two weekend, which gets a lot of people in a tizzy- flurries of latex, rushing about from party to party, all sorts of excitement.

Me, well, I like my 11pm bedtime, so I just go for the shopping.

The shopping was reasonable- a lot like LAM usually except with more stuff for the boys this time, I found. There aren't the same sort of "con deals" you get with comic conventions or even the Kinky Flea in Massachusetts- so I was able to resist buying another corset, secure in the knowledge I could get it at the next LAM instead. However, I did get a few toys:

-a horsehair flogger with wood handle
-a ballchain flogger with metal handle
-a two-tongued short whip, leather, with wood handle
-a rope carpet-beater, with wood handle
-a carbon fiber cane (all the above from Jack's Floggers)
-2 10m bits of red hemp rope, treated

I also got a metal dildo in Brighton. ::grin:: A bunch of fun new toys to play with!

It was also very nice to find a dress that fit my girlfriend like a dream- sort of industrial looking with some drape-y floaty bits. And the clothes that the boy got- some fetish dandy styled stuff- are divine. Pinstripe long skirt with slits and zippers, a fitted shirt with built in nipple clamps (Jed Phoenix- omg hot) and a shinyshiny corset. I WILL go to the ball! Well, ok, or maybe just Night of the Senses.

Shopping is exhausting. I'm glad to have had two reasonably submissive bottoms on hand, because my foot massage on day one after standing in heels? It was incredible.

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"If women ran the world, there wouldn't be any war..."

"...nations would tease each other until they developed eating disorders. "

Hah! Ok, ok, just kidding. Or am I?

It's sad, but I think the show "When Women Rule the World" is basically out to say "look, see what happens when we put women in charge? They can't corral others into doing what needs to be done, they become bitchy and catty, and everything falls apart".

A quick statement about this show:

"The participants will be brought to a remote, primitive location where the women will have the opportunity to “rule” as they build a newly formed society – one where there is no glass ceiling and no dressing to impress. For the men, their worlds of power and prestige are turned inside-out and upside-down. And for these women, turnabout is fair play!"

Now, to be fair- this IS an idea from FOX. We can't expect anything challenging, or even terribly entertaining. However, I was caught up by the images of half naked men having paint slapped over them, and walking on the beach with pots balanced on their heads, and I had a tiny glimmer that this would at least have some imagery that would be sexy, you know, with the sound turned off. And I figured, as they'd pick guys who were chauvenist and obnoxious, watching them get taken down a notch would be... well, fuel for my fantasy fire, for sure.

When it starts, the host makes a point of saying that this is a world where women rule and men are subservient... you know, the opposite of the everyday. This is sad, and, I daresay, ignores other issues like class (I think a "festum stultorum" would make for a great show) and ethnicity (ooh, boy, now imagine a show where, say, black people are allowed to enslave and harass white people... somehow I doubt that'd be shown anytime soon). Oh, yeah, he also says "here, men are the weaker sex"... riiight.

Even so, I thought, hey, there's 8 women, at least a couple of them must have some tricks up their sleeves. One of them HAS to be a dominatrix, or at least a nanny. Now, I don't know how this happened, but the women choose one of the youngest people in the group, one of the women with the most attitude, to be the "Queen" and rule the roost. How they thought this would be a good idea, I don't know- I would've picked the calmest person there, maybe the person who wanted it least. Likely, it was fixed.

Anyway, as the men weren't told about the role they would be playing, many of them bristled. "I'm not going to be ruled by no woman!" more than one cried, though one seemed to be pleased- he was also the best behaved of any of the men. The women were all wearing various amounts of skimpy clothes (but all reflecting bad taste) in animal print- showing their authority, of course, but also their tits and legs! Hooray! (I imagine women in charge would be wearing comfy pajamas, but hey). The men are NOT forced to be half naked, but given rather ugly and dirty looking clothes to wear- not conducive to subjecting them to the female (or my) gaze, and rather a sad waste of some pretty flesh.

Each week, one of them gets voted off, presumably for being the least productive or the most difficult. I don't think they're allowed to whip them, sadly, or even slap them for fun, or possibly even tie them up (a damn shame, really- there were a couple who would've benefitted from being made into a table, or a sign, or just left to sit in the Naughty Chair).

The show spends a lot of time focused on the men rating the attractiveness of the women, but not vice versa. I was sort of hoping for the women to comment to each other about how sexy the men look lugging wood and furniture around (they have to set up the camp themselves, you see). But no, the women don't seem interested in much more than bitching and nagging the men constantly- which makes the men hate and resent them more, while reinforcing gender stereotypes AND making sure this "social experiment" isn't at all relaxing for the women! Score!

Only woman encourages her servant by complimenting what he does well, which means he works harder for her- this is the singular well behaved guy on the show. He's likely a dickwad- FOX did pick him, after all- but he gets what it's about and he keeps his mouth shut. Like a good pet.

At least they didn't pull out aprons or some shit for them to wear for the domestic housework... oh, sorry, "women's work" as it's referred to in the show. The only punishment I really saw was a man getting water in his face and the same man having to eat alone... in the nicest place in the village. Puzzled? I am- even the least experienced Dominatrix wannabe knows about making men kneel and eat their food from a plate on the floor. Or not letting them have a plate. There's even a threat about putting him in women's underwear- because, you know, that'll humilate him, having to DRESS LIKE A WOMAN while DOING WOMEN'S WORK! I can't believe this is for real. Oh wait, it's Fox.

There's one guy on the show who fusses ad whines a lot. I wonder if these women have no experience with children, or have never watched "Supernanny"- when they act up, they want attention, so sit them down, tell them to think about what they've done, and disengage. Don't chase after them whinging and pestering.

Also I was irritated that the women would load the men up with stuff to do and then nag them. Keep it simple- a couple of things, reward or discipline, then a couple of things. This allows you time to chill out. Isn't that the point?

I kind of enjoy that they're reluctant to obey, but, if they want the money, they have to shut up and take it. Still, I wish the women were more respectable. I was amused that one guy bucks the "women rule" thing by up and quitting instead of the women choosing a guy to go. I was infuriated when the host asks him if he thought women could rule the world... this is NOT a good example of women being in charge, and it's sort of unfair to suggest that it is, even indirectly. It's just stupid reality television.

And I'm still pouting that there's no bondage or sadism. I was hoping to get some interesting ideas from this show, maybejustmaybe, but nah. If these women knew what they were doing, even if they can't physically discipline these guys, I would so totally wake them up at dawn with ice water in the face. :D

So, in conclusion? It's FOX. Why was I expecting any different?

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phone sex

Usually, when I'm on the phone having phone sex, I end up masturbating. I generally start out thinking "oh, god, whatever," rolling my eyes in the mirror at the fantasies that, to them, seem very taboo and unique and that, to me, are heterosexist propaganda studies. But more often than not, I get caught up in a piece of it, and end up rubbing one out, often with the attitude of "well, what else am I going to do?"

Oftentimes I cum. I leave feeling like I've accomplished an important part of my sexual health, and I feel like it's then easier to blog, or nap, or sew a costume or whatever it is. The thing that's sad, and unfortunate, is that they never recognize that I've already cum.

Wanker: Uhhh, uhh, yeah, I like fucking your pussy, it's so wet!
Me: Mmm, I'm rubbing my clit nice and hard, oooh, I can feel myself pulsing, I think i'm about to cum...
Wanker: Oh yeah baby, I want to feel you cum around my cock! (wapwapwapwap)
Me: (buzzbuzzbuzz) Oh my... oh my god... mmmm! Oooo! (heavy breathing, followed by short gasps)
Wanker: Your pussy is so wet, yeah! Cum baby, cum on my cock! Make a mess! I wanna hear you cum!
Me:..... (quiet as I gather my breath)
Wanker: CUM WITH ME! OH YEAH!
Me: (sighing to myself) OHGODOHGODYESYESYESFUCKMEYESOHGOD!
Wanker: UUUUUUUUH (gasps)

I mean, granted, it's a phone. I can't expect that he'd completely get it- my pussy isn't in front of him, for example, and we just "met". But I'm not exactly silent when I cum, either. I just don't howl the house down. Which is, of course, what they expect, more often than not, from watching porn, where the slightest touch from a man will turn women into quivering, cum-soaked sexpots. It's about theater, not reality. Still, it feels like a disservice.

Maybe next time I'll just say "I already came" and hang up.

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"I'm a hooker" "No, you're a Dominatrix" "..?.."

It happens a lot. Someone politely asks me what I do for work, and I sit and look at them, trying to read them for what my response should be. Do I say hooker? Do I say escort? Dominatrix? Or do I not bother to field the whole sex work thing entirely and say something vague like admin or counseling?

It's funny in a way, because when I say something like I'm an escort or a hooker some people around me are eager to correct me, to say "no, no, you're a Dominatrix", like that's somehow "better" on the sex work hierarchy. Is it better to be a Dominatrix?

Does it depend on your working strategy? I mean, as a Domme, I do tend to run the fuck, even if he IS paying- I'm not going to do a session, generally, I'm not into, and even then I tend to incorporate my turn ons into the scene. I make it mine. I don't dress or act in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm in the headspace. I tend to tell my clients that I'll decide what we do and how much of what, within their checklists and limits of course. But I also care about customer satisfaction. Am I fooling myself? I mean, as a Dominant are you ever fully in control? Does the exchange of money make the power exchange less valid? More valid? I'm still working all that out.

I still do sexual acts for money. I'm still a hooker. I'm ok with that, I don't judge myself for it, it's just my job title. Or one of them. But I notice more often than not if I judge someone able to handle that I'm in the sex industry, I reach for Dominatrix more often than Prostitute. Is it because Hooker and Escort get used interchangeably for anything from streetwalking to brothels to high class courtesans, while Dominatrix is more consistantly understood? Am I scared of being judged after all? Quite possibly. I imagine it also has to do with coming from the States, where being a corset wearing Mistress of Pain is slightly closer to the legal side than being a sultry siren for hire.

And I will say, to those who say S/m isn't sex- when I slapped his face, my cunt got wet. When I tied him up and grabbed handfuls of his sweaty flesh, I wanted to kiss him as much as I wanted to pierce his skin. Sometimes I get so turned on that I want to fuck him and taste him and make him cry and scream and writhe all at the same time, and it's all just so hot that I need to take a step back before I lose it and just rip in like a 5 year old at a birthday party. It's sex for me. No doubt. Sure, I get paid- it's a bonus.

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oh, and in addition-

I haven't been clocking in for phone sex recently. Not entirely sure why it's lost my interest for the time being- possibly because I don't want to have to troll for clients when I can just meet people in person, which is much nicer.

Maybe this afternoon I'll give it another shot.

And it's about time I redye my hair. I like the reddish brown, so perhaps a bit more vivid this time?

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physical touch in personal settings

It's odd, but since I've been back from Poland I've been perhaps overly aware of personal space. Like a feral cat, I become curious about human contact but easily spooked- a lack of sexual contact or context has left me unsure how to handle cuddling with my lovers.

Work is easier. First, I'm usually the Domme, so I get to decide how much contact and it's on my terms. There's an end point, so if I set an expectation high I don't have to do it again, I can just not session with that person anymore. I'm also not going to hurt someone's feelings, the way I might if I shrink away from a lover.

It's odd, being in this sexual world when I'm not really that sexual privately. It's not because of the work I do, I don't think- I get a different sort of rush out of it, the rush of power I suppose, though I have been surprised at how turned on I get in scene. I have recognized through my work that kink is very important for turning me on- erotic massage doesn't do it for me, but if I get to slap your face, my clit responds for sure.

No, I think that as I don't often cum with a partner, sex can be disappointing, because either I'm working for the other person's orgasm, or I'm just wishing I could cum more easily. Working for the other person's orgasm is fun, sure, but I have to be in the right space to put the energy into it... if I've had 3 clients that week, I might be a bit used up in that department. Also, the less sex I have, the less I desire, so it goes into a spiral. MENTALLY I desire the closeness, the intimacy, the orgasms- but I have so much experience with people complaining their wrists hurt, or not being able to maintain a sensation, or just not quite getting there, that I've given up. Things that are different make it easier- sex outdoors, sex in public, sex with strangers, trying something new I haven't incorporated into my play already- those things make me cum hard. But they make me cum hard because they're rare.

Physical touch, then, becomes almost sexual for me, because it's not something I tend to do just for the sake of it. I mean, I'm a hugger, that's ok for me- but other than that, I have to remind myself to hold hands, or pet hair, or do whatever. And as it's not so much a way to show me affection (I like service more, or doing something for me because I ask it) it can feel more like a chore than sweet.

Just some musings on the subject after discussing it with my girlfriend yesterday...

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sex work zealot

"Zeal" is a positive term, I think. To have zeal for something means to have a passion, a fervor, a tireless devotion to a cause- a powerful enthusiasm. Yet, to be a "zealot" is a negative term- it goes from fervor to militant in the dictionary, from being driven to being a fanatic.

I came to think about this when I was looking at a blog called the Wisdom of Whores. In it, the blogger, Elizabeth , says something in passing:

"It so happens that I’ve just finished Tracy Quan’s giggle-inducing Diary of a Jetsetting Call Girl (she’s especially funny about zealotry within sex worker activism itself; I made a mental note to plan a major cull of my T-shirt collection)."

I looked at the various shirts and things I have. And yep, I'm a zealot about sex positive sex work and expression. My "Hookers for Jesus" shirt, my PIC tote bag, a pin for the sex workers union. Treating sex work as work, destigmatizing sex workers, and challenging the stereotype that men are buyers, women are workers... these things are all very important to me. I try to read, watch and listen to as many sides of the argument as possible, and I'm happy to speak up whenever it's relevant.

Now, I haven't read any Tracy Quan (why read a fictional account when there's so many memoirs out there now anyway?) but I wonder- where's the line between being an activist and a zealot? Who decides? IS being a zealot bad?

I think I need another drink in my Porn Palace cup. :D

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sexy nerd girl?


NerdTests.com says I'm an Uber Cool Nerd God.  What are you?  Click here!

Apparently in the areas of comic books and literature (like there can't be crossover) I'm a nerd, and in computers, science and math, I'm only kinda a nerd. I can live with that.

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masochism and self harm

Calico, as usual, has spurred me into some thought about masochism, self-harm, and, of course, "Secretary", the movie that brought the two together.

I was a self harmer. I have never been a masochist. To me, one could easily be a precursor to the other, and I'll explain that in a moment. But, call it my martyr complex- when I take pain in a kinky session, it's because I want to be absolved of guilt or to prove I can do it, not because it's sexy for me.

I have self-harmed off and on since I was about 12 or so. It started as a vent- a way to release some steam when it seemed like things were too much for me. Then, it became a way to feel better, to reclaim my body and control in a way that kept others at a distance- I could cut my breasts and inner thighs, and yes, I felt blissful. It was painful, and unpleasant, but I felt in control of myself afterwards, focused, clear. Later it was because I felt like I couldn't speak what was in my head or heart- cutting was easier than telling someone how I felt who would then be apathetic to my pain.

When I discovered BDSM, I read a lot about being suffering and finding bliss within that suffering. Many of them took pain for the pleasure of their partners. I tried to find the erotic within that sort of pain- tried to blend it with sex and make it more enjoyable. But it never was- pain just hurt, and I resented those inflicting it on me.

It took me a while to realize this didn't mean I was a bad submissive, it just meant I wasn't a masochist, and that was ok. Later I realized that I enjoyed pain only if I was in control of it- and, to me, whether I was cutting my breasts or someone else was piercing them, the feeling of release and relief was the same. I began to realize that I didn't need to cut myself- I could use that desire for suffering and give myself over to someone who desired to give pain- I could channel that energy into something clear and powerful instead of hiding it away and being ashamed. I found myself able to ask for a severe flogging or a piercing ritual, and through that, the ability to scream and cry my way out of the dark hole I found myself in into relaxation, almost meditation.

Now, I guess one of the questions would be what constitutes self-harm. I suppose that cutting your flesh when you're not feeling great is self-harming. It's never been erotic for me. But it's been... freeing, I guess? So to me, it was self-harm, and I felt guilty about it, because OTHER people would see it that way, OTHER people would medicate me and tell me I was crazy. It wasn't what I thought at first, though I ended up feeling that way eventually.

Now, however, I begin to think that cutting was a way for me to inflict on myself the trials that people going through adolescence have gone through for centuries. It was a way for me to find who I was, in those flashes of clarity. It was a tunnel I felt I had to go through to come out the other side. And I wonder if there's a deeper, primal reason for people to do self-harming activities- this need to go through something difficult and painful, full of blood and sweat and tears, so we can realize our own humanity.

This whole idea will take a lot longer for me to put together, and I know there's a thesis in it somewhere. But I look at my small scars with a little bit of pride. Other people may judge me for that. But for me, I see it as a symbol of who I was, and the fact that they're healed, a symbol of who I've become.

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secret diary of a call girl- review

So I was tempted to find "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" rather off the mark, sensationalized, etc etc.

So far, I've found it somewhat realistic, at least to the sort of experiences I've had.

The men vary in attractiveness both physically and personality-wise, many of the johns are anxious and unsure, some are demanding and dangerous, some just don't click with you. A bad review means you may end up taking clients you aren't sure if you can handle... or want to.

There's also a lot of people out there who want to profit from what you do and don't do with your body. Pimps, madams, agents, agencies, brothels, club owners, security, drivers- all of these claim that they'll help keep you safe at work, when usually they'll put in the minimum effort for around 40% of your income, sometimes less, sometimes more. To me, it doesn't matter if they wear a velour suit or Armani, a leech is a leech. I may not get as many clients by doing it all myself, but I also benefit directly and it's all between me and my client- the way it should be in my opinion.

Then there's feeling like you can't talk about the bad bits with anyone or they'll just say you should quit, and it'll justify every bit of bad press they've ever read. It's hard to find people who understand burnout, who get how fun and how frustrating it can be, how rewarding and how awful.

One thing it's brought to mind is the question of how far I want to go with this work. If I really wanted to go the next step, I'd get a personal trainer and work hard at toning up and losing weight. Feminist and fat-activist that I am, I also know that a chunky girl in this line of work is going to have to remain stuck near the bottom of the money-heap.

I want this to truly be my profession- I want to get the sort of clients that will review me, say, on punternet, so I can get more clients, maybe even a few regulars. I don't want to be in the position of scraping the barrel of AW to get a couple of clients who may or may not be nutters. I want to be the sort of woman they see and say "wow, that's the one for me". I'm intelligent, affectionate, and I know my job inside and out- I just don't want to be judged and found wanting just because I'm happy with my round belly.

At the same time, would I rather have clients who wanted me, the real me? Or clients who were looking for yet another slim escort? I'd never be that skinny anyway... I'm not sure if I have the passion to want to lose weight just so some clients would like me more. That sounds stupid, when I type it. The sorts of clients I want like my body and my mind, as is. I would probably do better to take language classes instead of spending money on personal trainers.

Anyway, "Secret Diary" was not bad. I thought it was a good summary, and I'd watch another season, if it comes out.