Having a psychologist analyzing sexuality and sexual taboos on TV (the show "Am I Normal?") is... interesting, to say the least. There's no doubt in my mind that when Dr Tanya Byron says "if it's sex between consenting adults, who can judge?" she's mentally adding "Me. I can."

It's a lot in the way her voiceover responds. When talking to a man about cottaging (sex in public toilets, for those not in the UK) she nods, but the voiceover says "why would you want to have sex with strangers in a place that smells like piss?" It took me 2 seconds to think of the following-
-some men like the smell of piss
-some men feel it's degrading and get turned on by that
-some men identify as straight and don't know where else to go
-some men aren't ready for intimacy with other men, or don't want it
-some men are closeted
-some men think homosexuality is disgusting but still feel pulled to do it, so they punish themselves or reflect their inner thoughts about it in their surroundings
And that's just a start. How could a psychologist not have picked up on at least some of these things? You can even find nights devoted to watersports in any area with more than 3 gay clubs. It's not that hard to figure out... is it?

Or when she talks about dogging. Sure, sometimes people want to have public sex because they want attention. But sometimes, it's just fun to have sex with other people watching. Sex in a car gives some clear boundaries, for example... washable boundaries. :)

I've gotten a pretty clear impression that Dr Byron thinks that men just feel the need to have sex as often as possible with as many people as possible, but that women, if sexually liberated, won't need sleeping around... or want it.

Huh?

Ok, so sometimes women don't want sex as much as their male partners. But guess what? Sometimes women want sex more than their male partners as well, and there's not a lot of support for women who do want more sex... or men who want less.

I like what this article said:

"In the hard-core rendering of inherent male-female discrepancies in promiscuity, gay men are offered up as true men, real men, men set free to be men, while lesbians are real women, ultrawomen, acting out every woman's fantasy of love and commitment."

The whole article is good, but I think that that sums up what this show was implying. Another excellent quote:

'"It seems premature ... to attribute the relative lack of female interest in sexual variety to women's biological nature alone in the face of overwhelming evidence that women are consistently beaten for promiscuity and adultery," the primatologist Barbara Smuts has written. "If female sexuality is muted compared to that of men, then why must men the world over go to extreme lengths to control and contain it?"'

I think, if I wasn't so busy ranting, what Ms Smuts says is exactly what I spent this show thinking. Maybe women have lost their sex drives because they get beaten, killed, vilified, and told constantly that "good women don't really like sex".

Dr Byron is obviously looking to confirm her suspicions. This show could've been great, but instead, she's making snap judgments. I think it says a lot that she keeps asking about intimacy- not everyone CARES, lady. I don't. I enjoy casual sex for completely different reasons than I enjoy intimacy. I can have both, and it pisses me off and seems ragingly anti-feminist that I keep hearing this implied belief that if I was truly liberated I wouldn't enjoy women showing off their bodies, or "molding my sexuality to match that of a male stud". I guess i'd lie back and think of England. What complete bullshit.

I also think that it's interesting that it sounds like everyone Dr Byron speaks to, from a paedophile to a dogger to someone uninterested in sex, have thought long and hard about their sexuality and their sexual choices. Therein is what I think is the secret- knowing about your sexuality, looking at it within the tint of your culture.

I like what Lindsey Ashford (the paedophile) said in his interview- he informed her that it didn't matter what her degree was, after an hour she isn't qualified to make these assessments of him. I think that could be said for anyone she interviewed. It seemed like she went digging for trauma to justify sexual deviance... not much change from the beginnings of sexual studies like Krafft-Ebing, frankly. Or like when I was told that I was kinky because I was raped- a trendy theory that didn't fit, as I can date my first fantasies to around 5 being about knives, 7 years before anything happened.

Why are people so reluctant to just encourage education? Convents and similar "protections" have never worked. Education, a supportive environment to explore your sexuality, and access to safer sex supplies and information has. Am I really the only person who sees this...?

(I just wanna point out that when she talks to British 11 year olds, they seem to be vocal about fake boobs being weird and variation in sexuality being normal, even if there are pole dancing kits being advertised in the kid's toy section of Tesco.)

So, there you go- I think if kids and teens are given the tools to make informed sexual choices, access to adults who are open to discuss sexuality with them, they can lead healthy and varied sex lives, and become adults who enjoy sexuality in many forms.

Sometimes, I miss San Francisco. Often, it's when I'm looking at the blog Nude in SF, an awesome site with a bunch of naked women wandering through San Francisco. I particularly enjoy the photos of Marie on there, who looks impish and lovely, almost always half cracking a smile.

But even more than the girls, who are very pretty and look like they're quite enjoying themselves (a big turn on as well as creating some cute photos), is the fact that the passersby really express to me San Francisco's attitude.

There aren't big crowds of men around these girls. There's no pointing that I saw, no real judgment- the expressions you see are more "Huh. Naked girl," than "OMFG NAKED GIRL WHAT??" That's really cool. And the girls aren't posed, they're just doing their thing, walking around the city they love.

And I remember why I love it.

I love a city where you can do that and it's ok. In fact, people don't bat an eye.

And while I like attention as much as the next exhibitionist, sometimes it's nice to be free to be naked, or even just sexy, and not be worried about being attacked. Sometimes it's nice to just be yourself without it being a performance for everyone around you. And this site really gives that natural nudity that I miss so much.

Til I get home, I'll just flip through the photos and sigh dreamily.

Circumcision.

I'm not really a fan of the practice, and to be honest, I've read a lot of stuff about how it doesn't desensitize, and I think it's bullshit. If you take the clit hood off a woman, it's very sensitive for a little while, and then loses a lot of sensitivity. How would it be any different for a man?

Both types of penises look pretty to me. But then, I've been exposed to both growing up, seen both in porn and in person, so I never preferred one over the other. As long as they're clean, it's go-go-go!

I remember reading that the #1 reason people circumcise their kids is because they want them to look like all the other little sheep kids in school. I think that's a stupid reason to cut off a foreskin. When people do that with women's genital cutting, it's a huge outrage, so...?

But whatever. Different strokes.

What really struck me going to Jewcy to read their comments on the subject, pro and con, via Calico's blog, was the attitudes people had about the women who were writing. While the pro-foreskin one only had one comment suggesting that she was perhaps a bit slutty ("Judging from your sexual tone, you had definitely seen some jew dick before this gentlemen"), the girl who was anti-foreskin got a lot of comments focusing, not on the foreskin debate, but on her sexual behavior.

For example, she mentioned in passing how she gave a hand job to a stranger in an airport, and she got judged about that. Told how it was unsafe, offering herself up to "any schmoe on the street". Never mind the implication that she should be a hooker instead, cause then she'd be paid, right? Cause women being slutty for the fun of sex is just WRONG, you're either being paid for sex or you're not doing it with strangers.

As someone who has done something very similar (ok, he jerked off on my tits in an elevator instead), I object. A hand job or a tit job is fairly safe sex. In fact, I might argue that a hand job with a stranger is safer than unprotected sex with a partner who may or may not be cheating on you. I don't see how that's dangerous, really, especially in a public place. I certainly don't see how that would indicate that she's mentally unstable (" Hand jobs for strangers in airports says more about your emotional issues than it does about your cock preferences"). To me, it just says she likes a little unattached play with strangers. So what? People go to sex clubs and swinger clubs for a similar rush.

Now, when I decided to let this hot stranger on a train seduce me with kisses and calf massage on the rainy streets of Boston, I decided with a few things in mind.

-Someone knew where I was, and I was due home at a certain time.
-It was public, so if it went too far I felt I could get help.
-I was wearing flat boots, so wasn't worried about a) running or b) kicking ass.
-I was in an area I knew very well.
-I decided if it was safer sex play, that was ok with me, but not anything involving fluid exchange.

This wasn't any schmoe on the street. This was a really hot guy I enjoyed chatting with. There are lots and lots of people I pass every day that I don't want to engage in hot stranger safer sex. Why do people assume if you play with a stranger you're open to everyone at any time? Or that if you do it once, you're playing with danger? Every sexual encounter should be negotiated in some way, whether it be flirting with a partner or saying "this is ok, this isn't" to a stranger in a glass elevator.

I'm going to have to post a bit some other time about sexual women being viewed as guaranteed eventual victims of sexual assault. For now, let me just say that's ridiculous.

But the point is- they were discussing MALE FORESKINS. Why does it matter if she saw 3 penises or 33? It's a personal piece on personal experience, yet a lot of people jumped on her sexual practices instead of the issue at hand.

That's just... grr!

I'm SO freaking pleased with myself right now.

Water got spilled over the router and my laptop, thanks to an over-excited cat and a mobile phone that startled him. I was freaked out, especially as I do a fair amount of work on the computer and I was worried my laptop had seen its last. I have loads of photos, and old writing, a lot of stuff really on the old girl and I didn't want her to fall apart on me now!

I had, a year or two ago, spilled soda in there, and I got worried that the water would make the soda squish around and get all sticky. So, I looked on google about what to do, and I read a few places that it was important to open the laptop and dry the pieces separately (or at least check them for damage).

I had never done this before, but decided that doing something with my hands would help my anxiety and went for it.

And I wiped some brown goo off bits of the computer! I helped remove goo! I not only took the little bits apart but put them back in order! I feel very proud of myself, because, as a geek, not having fiddled with computers made me feel like a bit of a poseur. Now, I have Done It.

It's a bit silly to feel this excited about it, but I truly feel proud.

My move to professional Mistressing happened when I was in San Francisco and saw an ad on Craigslist for pro Dommes. I figured, "hey, I could do that" and applied.

The place I went to was a nice enough house in a... questionable area. Not bad, but not great either. I whizzed through the interview, was told to come in dressed in Mistress-y clothes and stockings (not fishnets, to my surprise) and heels.

Now, I had seen the images of Mistresses in the movies same as everyone else. I was really taken aback that I was expected to dress in lingerie, stockings, and heels, instead of leather and lace and fishnet. I figured I could wear what I liked as a professional Mistress, just look sexy. That was not the case. There was a certain look I was expected to conform to- no room in that dungeon for my leather shitkicker boots!

Long story short- I was too much of a lifestyler to last there, I was told. I ended up feeling really angry and concerned for the clients who worked with Mistresses who were sometimes high or tipsy, or at the very least were not taught how to do things like suspension bondage or flogging. I had read enough in the papers to know that I didn't want to be a professional in a place where substance abuse happened sometimes, cause that's where you get that one breathplay guy...

Additionally, I didn't want to play by their rules. I had a customer who would tell me, step by step, what he wanted me to say and do. After playing with him twice, I decided to ask him to let me try taking the lead, and he could stop it if he felt uncomfortable. That was the first time I formulated a scene on my own as a pro, and I was so proud, heh! I remember feeling really pleased about it. And I had enjoyed it- but I was still struggling to fit myself into the submissive box I thought I belonged in, so didn't pursue it further.

Still struggling money-wise, I decided to try being independent. I was still doing better as an erotic masseuse and fetish model, so didn't bother pursuing Domming much further for a while. I had a scene here and there, wrestling one night, bondage the next... and I found myself bonding with these clients, wanting to see them again and take it further. There was the client who nursed me through a hard breakup by paying me to kick him in the balls, thus solving my anger management issues and money worries at the same time. There was my darling houseboy who I contracted with, and sadly had to leave behind when I moved to London. I shifted from fantasy fulfillment to being a Dominant in the session- getting checklists, formulating plans, doing what turned me on.

But I still thought I was submissive.

I came to London collared, in fact, to my partner. I enjoyed the way we tussled- I enjoyed our playful scenes, and the earning of various little charms for sexual misdeeds. Even now, sometimes, he'll tie me down and tease me with the violet wand, and I love it.

But I don't feel submissive anymore.

I don't know what changed, really. The more I Dommed professionally (which I took to far more easily in the UK), the more I glowed afterwards and wanted to play Top with other people. Part of it, I think, is that I gained a lot of confidence playing for pay and felt more mastery over the toys when in private than I did before. But now, the idea of submitting isn't that appealing. When I was trying, I always had a long list of things I didn't like, and loads of things I might like with the right person at the right time. I tried so hard to just let go and be submissive... but it just didn't come. As the Domme, I feel more... right. It comes naturally in a way submission didn't.

Now I enjoy my jaunts to the local dungeon for some devious scenes. I'm always in charge- I decide how the scene will go, who will cum, if that's even important to me that day, and what toys I want to use. I use checklists as a general guide, but I do the things I want- I don't provide a body for a male fantasy. I get to say "here's my fantasy, wanna come along for the ride?" And it feels so... right.

Sometimes, I miss the feeling of calm I got submitting to one lovely Domme, who shaped me in many ways, mostly unconsciously I expect! As her service submissive, I gained a lot of knowledge and experience that has really influenced me both as a Dominant and as a person. I imagine I'll always enjoy bottoming (mainly because I like not having to do all the thinking sometimes), and maybe some day I'll meet a nice woman who will bend me to her will.

But I like having my leather-clad glove on the metal cane. And I like watching men cry and whimper under my power. And I get hot, and wet, and vicious, when I see the marks rise up under my tools. My blood quickens, my heart races, and I smile.

When I read Calico's post called "Lost Another One", I cracked a smile. I've gotten that response, the "oh, you're a Pro, we kinky men have lost you FOREVER". Besides the things Calico says about assumptions, which I agree with, there was something else I noticed.

I used to hear that a lot in California, where men assumed that because I was a pro I wouldn't do them for free. And, well, to be honest, they were usually right. Especially as in California I was dating dominant men and getting increasingly frustrated as my lack of submissive tendencies. It was full time work, trying to mold myself into the submissive I was so sure I wanted to be. If I was going to try my hand at being a Domme, I wanted to be paid for it.

But here. Here it's different. I'm not sure if it's because I'm in London, or because I've really gotten into my role as a Domme (and cat herder). When I tell kinky men I'm a pro Domme, they ask me for my info and catch up with me about a session later. Maybe it's also in part because when I do a session, sure, I do some of the things you like... but it's because I like those things too. I mean, I may've gotten one or two jibes about how now they have to pay or whatever, but it's actually led to bookings, no question.

I wonder why that is? Why is it different in London than California, or is it more a reflection of my comfort as a Domme both professionally and personally that leads them to not say such things? It's interesting.

I know that the fantasy is that I sit around my gorgeously appointed flat, floggers and sex toys all around me, my face made up and my curvy body neatly and beautifully wrapped in matching lingerie, schoolgirl clothes, Mistress corsets, etc. I know you imagine me with my legs in stockings and high heels, just lounging about reading smut.

In reality, I'm picking cat hair off my robe and running my fingers through my hair, trying to decide between ripped jeans and a skirt, usually cooking a chicken or a pork loin as I juggle emails and writing for anthologies, and sipping tea that's lukewarm. I rarely have makeup on, or something sexy underwear-wise on, mainly because my sexy lingerie is made for sexiness, not comfort. I prefer mismatched cotton panties and a bra that'll haul my tits up.

This is why I can't necessarily run to meet you last minute, or pop onto the webcam in costume with a 5 minute warning. I'm going about my day, and while I really enjoy stopping the vacuuming and masturbating for an appreciative audience instead, it means I need a little time to get myself sorted before I'm ready for you. I may need to take out some toys you might like, or put my hair up. It's like a date- I want to look my best.

So please, don't be upset or impatient. Give me a little time to prepare, and I'll offer you a performance you'll love! Remember- I'm a geeky girl first, and a sex worker second. ;)

When men ask for a girlfriend experience, they mean they want to snuggle a bit, french kiss, and talk like lovers. I hope that when they ask for it, they get the intimacy they're hoping for, and not just some playacting (I'm thinking "But I'm a Cheerleader"'s makeout scene with her boyfriend as she rolls her eyes).

I like to think I am a girlfriend experience.

Maybe it's because I'm a slut, but I manage to create instant chemistry with most people pretty easily. I find myself enjoying our kisses, stroking their chest as I do my male lovers, chatting about the things I find around our outcall location, the little hints I get as to what sort of guy they are. I've chatted about computers, model cars, traveling, the arts, politics... all sorts of things. I divulge personal information easily, because I don't have secrets. I'm great at creating rapport. And often we get so lost in chatting that the erotic massage or the assfucking becomes secondary to the excellent time we have just getting to know each other.

I know a lot of workers dislike the intimacy their clients desire. I can understand why. I think it's valid, too. But for me (maybe cause of my 4 years in SF?) hugging and chatting about deep personal things with almost-strangers is second nature. I've heard all sorts of secrets and confessions- I'd like to think I've healed a few hurts, as well, and imparted some communication skills. I really, really enjoy it. I love the connection, the laughing at the same jokes, the intensity of a political debate with someone who matches my mind. I love it when our eyes light up and we're animated with discussion. It makes the kissing better, just as it does with lovers, casual or not.

And, interestingly... I'm often just a little hurt if I never hear from them again, especially if I thought we clicked. I know guys go to different women, and variety is the spice of life. I guess in a way, I just connect a bit too well. Sometimes I'll think back to someone and wonder what he's up to now, if he ever sorted out that thing or ever told his wife about that fantasy. I miss them, for a moment.

But, unlike a real scorned girlfriend, I don't call them at all hours, or hold their clothes hostage. ::laughs::

Just some musings brought up from my last few experiences in the world of sex work. And, perhaps, a little message to those guys, who may even now be reading my blog.

You might be punters, but I still genuinely care about you. No, we wouldn't date. Yes, it's a professional arrangement. But I do, truly, enjoy your company. It can be just as satisfying to me. I hope you know that.

I'd like to specifically draw people's attention to this blog post of Calico's which brought a tear to my eye in its sincerity and truth. It reminds me of similar posts by Bitchy Jones.

When I Domme for fun, it's different. I know the girl I have tied up, mostly. I know her well enough to have a general idea of what I can do to her, what I can show her. And, so far, I haven't played with a partner too heavily, too intensely since my really, really unhealthy Domme/sub relationship when I was 20. My exploits as a Domme have been, for the most part, on the lighter side, the playfully wicked side. And I know why.

I worry that I'll get too deep in Top space, and I'll tear them apart.

I suspect actually that this is why I decided to be submissive for so long. It was safer for me when I was the one bound and crying. I didn't want to look in the mirror and see myself glowing with sex while my submissive bled and screamed and wept. I'd rather be the submissive, and avoid that dark side to me entirely.

I couldn't keep it up forever, though. I wanted to be in charge, wanted to slap lovers in the face and grab them by the hair for a deep kiss. I knew I had changed. And I decided to Domme professionally, because in some ways it allows me to try lots of different things before bringing them home to my lovers.

And now, sometimes, I'll have a submissive client who will touch that Beast inside me in some way. They'll move their head just so, and expose pale neck, and it's all I can do not to grab something sharp in one hand and their hair in another. They'll look up at me in a way that speaks to me, that says "yes, you may do as you will" and yet I know they aren't really saying that, I can't, I just can't. What I will is probably not safe or sane, even if it's consensual. And I can't even guarantee the Beast wants consent.

Sometimes I think I'm harboring a monster behind these brown eyes and black rimmed glasses. I'm a feminist! I support human rights! I'm a volunteer for charity! So what went wrong, really, I ask myself as I wank off to stuff even I find embarrassing, even I hide away so no one will see.

I don't do this to my partners because they want to give up control. They want to trust me. I'm afraid of that trust, afraid of what I might do if given the chance. With a client, they're ultimately still in control, and in some way the exchange of money helps me keep the Beast under control, knowing I'm acting within well-discussed perimeters. There's a script, spoken or unspoken, and there's no room in that script for a predator.

I'm young yet, and can hope it'll sort itself out in the coming years.

"I am turned on by his suffering, but also soft and lost," says Bitchy Jones in the post I referenced above. I know that feeling. And I go home, afterwards, sometimes shaky, feeling like I'm a step away from being a serial killer or some crazy hellcat. And I feel reluctant to ask to be held, because it's a professional gig, it shouldn't really affect me like this. It would detract from the fantasy to ask for a hug, though I sometimes do anyway.

Sometimes I feel ashamed, even doing what they asked, because I enjoyed it almost too much. Like Monday- I had a client who wanted to drink my urine, and I had never done it, and decided, sure, why not. But while it was happening I wanted to grab his hair and cover his face and the floor with it, mark him, get it on his clothes and skin and make him lick it up. And I felt horrified, like, what got into me?

I am almost always completely clothed during sessions. Very little of me is exposed, skin-wise, yet I feel so unbearably naked and raw.

It's easier when I don't get into the fantasy. When I do, I find myself just as dizzy as my client, drifting in space. Except I anchor him home, and he leaves for his normal life... while I keep drifting, and dream of blood and violence.

A friend of mine (vaguely, really, more a cute boy I flirted with often) is going to the Continent in 6 days. He was asking where he should go, and I recommended Krakow and Amsterdam, places he had listed as places he'd like to check out. I mentioned that Amsterdam is trying to buy up the real estate (with public funds, mind) and shut down the windows so they can have high couture boutiques instead. Because of this, it's best to go there ASAP to check out the windows while they're still around, and because Amsterdam is fun, and beautiful (great for bike riding, incidentally, especially along the canals!)

In response, someone else said "You think women prostituting themselves is beautiful? Awwww!"

I felt angered at this response. As a sex worker myself, I get sick and tired of people acting like I someone don't have agency, or that I didn't choose to do this work. Yeah, ok, if I could get paid to, say, eat cookies and read books, I'd do that instead, sure, who wouldn't? But considering it's sex work or baby care/housecleaning, I'll do sex work hands down. I'd rather do sex work than work retail, too. In fact, I doubt I'll give it up completely even if I become a famous psychologist. And I know women, many women, who feel the same way. I'm tired of being lumped in with trafficked women, many of whom are trafficked to provide very low cost home and child care, or thievery!! I know it sounds better to say "women are trafficked for prostitution! children too! the horror!" and that definitely happens, but it's really unfortunate that those people are so loud and ignore the fact that many many (I even want to say more, from reading "Sex Work", but I'd double check before saying it) women and children are trafficked as cheap/slave labor.

So, anyway, this is my response, and my experience of Amsterdam in a short nutshell-

"As a sex worker myself, and having made friends with quite a few ladies in Amsterdam... yeah, actually, I do. I think Amsterdam's whole approach is, for the most part, awesome.

The advantages of the windows are pretty big. The girls pay rent on the window space- they can therefore operate as independent escorts, instead of depending on pimps, and say yes or no to their customers. They get to see them before they agree, and negotiate before letting them in. They also get to flirt with guys they like and ignore those they don't- for example, when I went with my partner, some women flirted with us as a couple, and others, not interested in that, paid attention to other passers by. They also have nearby support from other girls, if they need it, and because of how the areas are designed, it's easy for the girls to kick out men who are being obnoxious.

Never mind the fact that the girls have the support of the police if something goes wrong! Considering the police tend to be more abusive than johns when it comes to sex workers, I think that's an improvement.

Now, most of the ladies I know there work out of the windows. Many of them are students and either don't want to or don't have enough time to take on a part time job. Safer and legal prostitution is a way for them to make some money in a short period of time. Yeah, they COULD work 8 hours in a coffeeshop per day for 6 euros an hour, but why do that when you make more in a half hour blowjob and have enough time left over to study?

A couple of them work as escorts with a service. They tend to have less agency about who they get to see and for how much, and are often pressured to offer more than they feel comfortable with. It depends if they do incalls or outcalls- incalls tend to be safer than outcalls, since there's some support, but the girls don't always get to choose. The windows offer agency in a realm of work that is really profitable, and, because of the testing services and social services available, it's much much MUCH easier to get out of a situation where you feel unhappy with prostitution.

In places like the States where prostitution is illegal almost everywhere, sex workers have to worry about their johns treating them like crap, the police treating them like hardcore criminals with no rights, and other people outing them and making their lives hell. Health care sucks, so it's hard and sometimes expensive to get tested, and easier to let health fall to the wayside. If you get pregnant, you're shit out of luck.

Here in Britain, where it's legal under certain perimeters (basically, being an independent worker and paying taxes) sex workers have a lot of agency and, because there's less of a social stigma, have an easier time accessing services. Health care over here is guaranteed, so it's easy to get tested regularly and have access to free condoms. If you get pregnant, there's support whatever your choice is around it, even after you have the baby. And in Amsterdam, where it's much more acceptable, there's a walk-in education clinic to teach the customers how to be good, respectful customers. It's not like the States. There are far more choices and far more agency.

Soooo... yeah. I think women being able to do prostitution if they want on their own terms without having to compromise their health and safety is a beautiful thing. I wonder if you've done much research into sex work, or spoken to many sex workers. I'd recommend "Paying For It", "Whores and Other Feminists" and "Sex Work" as some great places to start."

Grrr. Sometimes I really hate the idea of going back to the States. And the woman who said the comment considers herself a socialist and caring about human justice and rights! I ask you.