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Anal-Eze? Please, god, no.

I was browsing through one of my online sex toy catelogues when I came across a garish ad declaring one store's bestsellers. #1? Anal-Eze.

I wept inside.

Anal-Eze is Bad News, folks. It's a lubricant with numbing agents to "help you accommodate larger toys/penises". You know what it'll really help you with, though? A trip to the hospital because you tore something and didn't know it, or got an infection and had no idea. Seriously, these things are not good for your bum!

A good rule of thumb is that if you *think* you need Anal-Eze what you need instead is a) a good, quality lubricant, possibly a gel formula, that's made for booty-lovin' (I'd suggest sliquid's sassy formula or Maximus, myself) and b) time. Yep, time. It takes time to fuck someone in the ass! Kind of like fisting- you don't just shoot up an orifice with Novocaine so you don't feel what your partner is doing. I mean, if you can't feel it, dude, what's the point?

Never mind the important fact that your body expresses pain as a way of communicating that something is not right. The last thing you should do is dull your senses- you should be aware so that your anal play is as sexy, fun, and comfortable as possible. Because then you'll both want to do it again!

So, no. Don't use Anal-Eze, I beg you. While we're at it, avoid cunt-tightening creams, spermicide, and jelly toys without a condom. There's so many ways to enjoy sex, please please pretty please don't take a wrong turn down Horrible Medical Issue Alley. It's scary down there.

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Review: Jawbreaker Gag

I have a friend who is obsessed with cute boys sucking on lollipops. When I met her, at first I didn't entirely get it- I mean, I like lollipops, and I like cute boys, so sure, both together could be fun.

But there's something particularly sexy about a pink tongue flicking over something sugary- something innocent mixed with dirtiness that's incredibly hot. I get it now.
And Babeland sent me along something that helped me get it even further- a jawbreaker ballgag. In fact, they gave us two- one for our gift baskets for last week's Safe/Ward workshop, and one for me to try! Yes, it's edible. Yes, it's all jawbreaker. And it is just the cutest, sexiest thing ever! As a little girl who sometimes gets mouthy, this is a hell of a lot better than soap (though, it's a matter of time before there's a soap gag... you heard it here first!)
After seeing this I have a whole candy related BDSM photo shoot for Andro Aperture planned... imagine this gag, with red licorice whips binding the boy, and me spanking him with a big stick of rock candy. 
Hot, right? 
The strap on this is PVC- mine is pink, though you can also get it in black. The smallest setting is 13 3/4", and it goes up to 22 1/2", making it fit a huge range of sweet toothed submissives! The ball isn't huge- it fit my mouth perfectly, but if you need a big gag to keep you quiet this might not be the one for you. For how loud I am, my mouth is kind of wee (not the smallest, but medium-small), so I liked how comfortable it is in my mouth. It's kind of fun as a predicament thing- "the faster you lick, the faster you can swallow and not drool on yourself" is a fun game! Of course, the more you lick it down, the more you expose the plastic bits that hold the jawbreaker in place which might be uncomfortable for you. 
There's no ingredients list, but this definitely has sugar in it. There's not really distinct flavours, just a mild sweetness. Sadly, KinkLab doesn't make replacements for the jawbreaker yet, so when it's gone you've got a small pvc collar instead. Of course, you can easily adjust where the ball is and how long the straps are by cutting the end to be right for you. I would be careful, because as gags go, this has no give- if you're the kind of submissive who likes to gnaw on their gag, you may want to go with a silicone ball gag instead.
I think this would make a lovely little gift for the sweet kinky "little" in your life, along with any sugar fiends! Thank you Babeland for letting me check out the Jawbreaker gag in exchange for a fair review, it's so much fun!
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rumour mills and memories

I was a Goth in middle and high school- depressed, sometimes suicidal, unable to focus on classes, angry at busy work. I was overweight but fierce, made fun of for being Wiccan, known for being a mentalist. And I was ok with all that because to be honest as an out queer it probably partially kept me safe that people were afraid to fuck with me too much. Columbine hadn't been too far off, so I wonder if people thought I might crack!

But the reality of it is, I was a selfish, melodramatic teenage girl who didn't yet have the words to explain how I felt and what I was frustrated about. I hated my home state more than I could express, and didn't know why. I felt stifled, trapped. I was in many ways the leader of my little band of freaks, but I was pretty possessive of the spotlight. It took a while for me to try and make amends, to realize how my flailing affected the people around me. My apology was heard by some, and not by others... understandable. I think when we're young and selfish it's impossible to see the damage we do, and it's not always fixable, is it?

I grew up, emotionally, a lot. I moved to California, then to London, then back to California. I was a serial monogamist, bisexual, submissive, then a poly switch, then, now, a nonmonogamous queer Domme. I learned how to be a skilled manipulator, and I put that aside to live with radical honesty. I was straightedge- no drugs til 22, no alcohol til 19 or so. As I put the depression and the medication behind me, I found myself to be surprisingly strong and capable. I realized how much I didn't know, how much I still have to work on. There are days where I am still that girl, where everything is so overwhelming and I want to crumble into pieces. But I survive, a feral alley cat, claws sharp, landing on my feet.

Next year is my 10 year school reunion. I've always laughed about going- how those kids would be surprised by what became of me, right? I barely speak to any of them, anymore, anyway. I didn't think they'd really remember me.

Imagine my surprise when I discover that there are rumours. Some hilarious ones, in fact- one being that I was a drug addict (sure, if you consider Zoloft to be a drug). Another was that I do "rituals" that involve trying to be "forever young" by sucking life energy or committing ritual sacrifice! It's kind of ridiculous. I'm not even sure what to think. I mean, I was Goth, sure, but I didn't think I had magical powers or anything like that. And why pretend to be more exciting when my life was exciting enough!

So when I think about high school reunions, I imagine what it will be like to show up, dressed in my fabulous London threads, an international sex worker, writer, and queer porn sex kitten, perhaps an attractive lovely or two on my arms, and I think... oh, man. That'll be FUN.

I mean, who could've guessed the girl with a scars on her arms and the haunted look, with the armfuls of badly written poetry and the layers of clothes to defend my body from scrutiny... who would guessed that she would turn into... well... me? :)

I'm not that girl anymore, that's for damn sure.

They think the rumours are exciting?

Wait til they hear the reality!

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I'm performing at Sizzle this Saturday!

Photo by James of Naked Comix
  • August 6th (8pm - 11pm) - SIZZLE: "Hot For Teacher- An Education in Health & Awareness ($10 - Free for youth under 23 & Health & Wellness Providers)
Femina Potens and Slut Walk SF proudly present August's installment of Sizzle, the monthly award-winning spoken word and performance series. Sharpen your pencils because this month at Sizzle we are back to school to learn more about health awareness for our queer, kinky and sex positive communities.

If you never had a crush on your teacher- you are about to! We are inviting the Bay Area's best and brilliant sex workers, porn performers, writers and sex-educators take over the classroom. You will be hanging on every syllable as curvaceous courtesan Kitty Stryker explores a healthy perversatility through spoken word. Get your sex hacked hard with Maggie Mayhem as she shares her self proclaimed "sex-nerd" side. You are going to want to be teacher's pet for Maxine Holloway's  interactive presentation on safer sex practices within the kink community. Be sure to have a front row seat for Madison Young's  well rounded performance about breast health, Adult performer, Holly Stevens, will be joining us to discuss early breast cancer detection and discussing her first hand battle with breast cancer. Video PSA's by pioneer performer Buck Angel and queer porn heartthrob Drew Deveaux. Also our good friends at Slut Walk SF will be joining us with a presentation that is not to be missed addressing abuse & rape in our communities and how we can protect and stand up for one another. Raffle prizes have been donated by such amazing sex positive entities as Good Vibrations, Feminist Porn Network, and Annie Sprinkle to help benefit Holly Stevens'. 
 
Sizzle’s performances regularly reveal the bravest, hottest, most eclectic performers that the Bay Area has to offer and this evening is no different. Learn all the things they wouldn’t teach you in health class in this evening of raw, radical, and raunchy wellness.
 
Located at Viracocha - 998 Valencia Street. Get Tickets Today!
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Safe/Ward Workshop Tonight!


This presentation is for community members and leaders looking to understand and address sexual, physical, and emotional abuse within communities that practice BDSM. By striving to create a comprehensive workshop on how to recognize and address abuse within the BDSM community, we hope to help create a safe space for WIITWD. This works
hop will incorporate roleplays as well as brainstorming- be ready to participate!

By actively taking a stand against abusive behaviors we can act to reduce the frequency of predatory actions.

Discussion points:

-what does community mean, and how does that confer responsibility
-why “but they weren’t part of the community” is dangerous
-don’t assume- issues of gender and orientation
-discussing negotiation and consent, both personal and public parties
-telling someone vs telling on someone
-how to recognize abuse
-the subtlety of abuse
-how to speak to an abuse victim
-understanding and recognizing trauma responses
-the importance of training DMs/hosts about handling abuse
-creating safe space to speak up
-how to confront an accused abuser- it’s the behavior not the person
-yellow cards vs red cards
-acknowledging positive behaviors
-where the law stands
-providing support and education, with a focus on “don’t abuse”, not “don’t get abused”
-resources to have in playspaces

Now with a great bunch of raffle items (free entry!) thanks to Vixen Creations, Filament Magazine, Crash Pad, Babeland, Cyber Dyke, Snarky McFuckbuttonsMeet the Mayhems, Threshold at Mission Control, Madison Young, and Cleis Press!

*thanks to Tom Ker-Oldfield for the amazing logo for Consent Culture!*http://tomkeroldfield.com/

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an afternoon of queer girl porn

I arrived at the house around 4:15 last Saturday and entered to the sound of giggling. It was a beautiful house, with stunning art on the walls and a country-home-esque feel- plush carpets, jeweled tones and shiny wood. What made it fabulous for me though was walking in to Maxine Holloway pulling her panties aside for Madison Young, who was taking some photos, while Maggie Mayhem stood in sexy red heels and a red strap on harness, a thick textured cock jutting out from between her thighs, and Minxgrrl sat at a computer editing images. This was a Feminist Porn Network shoot after all, and not just a sexy dream sequence!

"Come in, come in, take a load off, have some snacks!" was the chorus, and what a spread had been laid out! Guacamole and chips, hummus, fresh fruit and veggies, donuts, coffee... all sorts of stuff to help keep energy high. You need high energy when doing porn shoots, I know.

Not too long after I arrived Maggie was upstairs shooting a phone sex video, where she called her real-life boyfriend Ned for some really sexy masturbation. Maggie and Ned are a super hot couple who both do porn so they manage to have sex that's intimate and erotic and also fun to watch. This particular shoot was for Madison's new site "Heartcore Sex Tapes", a masculine/feminine couples site with videos of lover-to-lover love/erotic letters and phone sex between real couples. It'll be launching in September with Minx at the helm, so definitely keep an eye open!

Then it was time to sit in while Madison filmed Minx reading Little Red Riding Cap for Naked Girls Reading, part of the site Perversions of Lesbian Lust. It launched a month and a half ago with Sinclair Sexsmith as the webmaster, and has a fantastic selection of filthy lesbian porn, erotica, and stories read aloud. Today was the less-adult children's stories edition- Madison had been filmed reading Alice in Wonderland (leading to a hilarious quote, "whooo are youuuuuu" "I'm Madison Young, you need to be schooled in some feminist porn!") and now Minx was reading Little Red. Her tattoos were beautifully displayed against a shaggy carpet with yellows, oranges and browns, glancing up every once in a while as she read. Madison, meanwhile, was barefoot in a light blue sheer dress, holding her camera carefully to get just the right closeups. As someone who is incredibly into being read to, I think this is going to be one part of Perversions of Lesbian Lust I'll really go for!

Then it was time for a bit of a break. "When is your anal masturbation fisting shoot?" asked Minx to Madison- this was to be one of the last shoots of the day. "When I'm done pumping my breasts," she replied, and I giggled. I love hanging out with porn stars because the things that are taken as normal are so crazy to other people's ears! I was also excited to hear that Madison's writing a story for her daughter about what she does for a living, which I think sounds fabulous.

With a "these panties aren't getting any drier!" from Minx it was time to get back to shooting. Madison got to doing her masturbation anal fisting in the bathroom for Femifist, a site that will be launched in August hosted by Maggie Mayhem. Femifist is going to feature how-tos and erotica about fisting along with film and photos- as a fan of fisting who is sad to see it so infrequently depicted, I can't wait to check it out. If Madison's scene is any indication it'll be awesome.

Meanwhile Maxine and Maggie fucked on the dining room table, smearing peach juice and slapping each other's cunts. This was for The Woman's POV, a site embracing all sorts of media from a female point of view, including porn. Watching POV shot is kind of fun- you get to see the performers as they interact and negotiate their way through sex.Standing in the kitchen, listening to the gasping, watching Maggie hold the camera while Maxine strokes her g-spot... then moving to the main course of a nice thick cock was just super hot. I loved hearing them going at it- Maxine was giving some good dirty talk while Maggie moaned and whimpered on the table. What makes being on set particularly fun is witnessing the little things- like while sexytimes are happening on the table, I was also watching the martini glasses shake and spill, until it gets so violent that someone had to rescue them from the table!

Finally it was time for the last shoot of the night. I watched from the hallway like the dirty old man I am while Maggie fisted Maxine for the first time- two lovely femmes in lingerie and heels, with filthy mouths and filthier behaviour. "Your clit just got so hard- it's so big" murmured Maggie as Maxine writhed under her hand. I loved listening to Maxine's moans, half giggling and musical as Maggie teased some fingers and then slowly her fist into Maxine's cunt. She purred as Maggie thrust into her- you could hear her wetness from the hallway. Maggie was laughing almost evilly as Maxine came all over her fist- "OMG Maggie!" "Cum all over my fist, cum all over my face, cum all over my tits, I want it all" growled Maggie. Maxine was squirting as she screamed with joy, the bedroom filling with lots of "omgomgomgomg". Afterwards I thought it was really cute to hear Maxine say things like, "I don't ever want to say goodbye to your fist", and "You fisted me so well I can't even speak properly".

What I love about queer porn is that the more I watch it made and perform in it the more I love it, and the hotter it is for me to watch it. I love witnessing sex genuinely made, where the orgasms are explosive and real and hot as fuck. I loved hearing negotiation- "do you like having your pussy slapped?" "are you ready for another finger?" and it's just so sexy to witness.

Queer and feminist porn is as hot to watch being made as it is to watch at home- and that turns my heart, head, and cunt on.

Check out the Feminist Porn Network by clicking here or the image below! Then I get affiliate monies and you get sexy porn. Win for everyone!

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self-indulgent post

they break each other's hearts
as if
they were bottles
and threaten wildly
with the ragged ends
prepared
to battle
for the blame

neither
would admit
this is all a defense
to protect
the still wounded organ
in their chest

each
would happily point the finger
and lay the guilt
in their lover's bed

but both
will sleep tonight
with the shadowy figure
of regret

I am not the easiest person always to get on with. I have lots of plans so am often busy, I advocate (often loudly) for my needs to be met, I'm terrible at playing politics. I am not particularly cuddly- a feral cat, I need my space to roam, and I can flip sometimes from purring to hissing because your touch reminds me of something from my past. I forgive but don't forget- I love easily but not always well. I try to accept feedback and it's more successful sometimes than others. I'm impulsive and wary in equal measures. My trust is given easily, but when lost, is hard won.

Relationships are not easy for me. My job requires a certain level of detachment and a constant alertness for the other shoe to drop. It's what's kept me safe over the years, but also made me slow to warm to physical contact when I'm at home. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I am someone who can be in relationships or if I am actually meant to get through life fighting alone. The idea that being alone is my lot in life is terrifying but I am in my element when helping people develop... and no one ever stays with their trainer. It's a temporary gig.

I'm shit at being a martyr though. I want my chance at happiness. Hell, I've imagined that I might spawn a kid or have that fucking white picket fence. Life's pretty good at slapping some sense into me though, and reminding me that I didn't choose settling down. On some level I chose this instability, this struggle, and I must lie in the bed that I have made.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am a Domme or if I'm just controlling. Doing a workshop on BDSM and abuse, I feel terrified that perhaps I am just as bad as the people I call out. I thought that I try to help people stand up straight, and when I read the checklists I think "that's not me, I don't do that". But would I be able to recognize it in myself? Or am I that good at pulling the wool over my own eyes?

I am a delicate flower encased in titanium. I can be selfish, and cruel, and protective. I can also be grateful, sweet, and fiercely caring. But I'm fighting too many battles on too many fronts- I can't be in the trenches for all of them. Perhaps wartime is not the time for a lover. Perhaps it's the only time it really matters. I don't know.

I have wondered before if perhaps I am best at the girlfriend experience. I can play the part for a period of time, and I'm excellent at it. But it's not the first time that I have questioned my ability to be the girlfriend- my ability to be someone who makes time and space to love and be loved. In my heart of hearts, I wonder, every night, if I am in fact deeply unlovable. But I don't want to be the martyrs I hate so I shove those feelings to the side and it's more workshops, more work, more projects, more people.

Can you blame someone else while also feeling wildly that you had to change, adapt, do better, be better? Asking yourself if it would change anything if you were just the girl next door? I resent wondering if I should give up the world I've built for myself but am so deeply terrified that if I don't I will never find that love I seek- because who loves the whore when the virgin is so deified? Is there no safehouse for me?

I've been told that spilling emotions like these on the internet for the world to see is too vulnerable, too public, too dramatic. But I have no private. I only have this blog. It's the internet in which I truly hide for safety-I can scream into the ether without any expectation of return. And yeah, I get raw, and messy, and real. I'm human. I'm made of meat.

And I'm not always strong enough to pretend that I don't bleed.

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Nominate Purrversatility for the Sexiest Bloggers of 2011!

So there's this list, right, the Sexiest Bloggers of 2011 list by Between My Sheets.

I'd love to be on it.

So, if you think I'm sexy... nominate me?

I'd also suggest nominating sexy blogs like:

Maggie Mayhem Speaks
Rarely Wears Lipstick
Post-Modern Sleeze
Slide Rules You
Rachael Rabbit White
True Pleasures
Bound Not Gagged

Pass it on!

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Review: Body Chocolate

With the boy in London and me here in SF, I wasn't sure when and why I would have the opportunity to try body chocolate from Babeland, but after my experience trying to eat chocolate scented body cream, I think they felt bad for me and sent me edible stuff. :)

But when the pup's away the Kitty will play... and I realized I was going to be shooting at Crash Pad, something I had wanted to do for a year, and thought "aha! What a great time to play with some body chocolate!" especially as my co-star, Mendhi Henna, loves food play and body painting. Ideal, right?

Silly me, I didn't think about the fact it might look like poo on camera. Whoops!

When I realized I made sure the video camera caught me dipping my finger into the pot of body chocolate. Just in case.

The body chocolate was initially a bit firm and solid, making it hard to spread on Mendhi's skin. After a few swipes of my finger, however, it was smooth and slick and fun to draw little pictures with. I loved making chocolate patterns on her breasts, tummy and thighs, following my little trails with my tongue. How feline! She seemed to enjoy it too, writhing and moaning as I went.

I did end up letting her have a taste of the body chocolate, which I thought was awfully generous as it was really tasty! It was a darker chocolate, which was nice because I like real chocolate, not Hershey syrup. And this was real chocolate- vegan, organic, free trade and delicious.

Because of that it might solidify on you- heat helps, so you can put the little jar into some warm water ad it'll become easy to use in no time. This body chocolate has an 18 month shelf life, though I doubt it'll last that long!

It does have coconut oil in it, so if you don't like or are allergic to coconut this isn't for you. However, if, like me, you love coconut, it's just that bit more delicious!

Mmm. Isn't it time for dessert...?

Thanks Babeland for letting me try the edible body chocolate in exchange for a fair review, and Crash Pad for amazing photos. Check out more over on their site- Season 15, episode 104!

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Safe/Ward: A "What You Can Do" Guide for Community Leaders

The Consent Culture Logo,
by Tom Ker-Oldfield

Earlier I wrote a guide for community members on how to help to promote consent culture and reject rape culture within their communities. All of that advice is valid for this discussion too:


-Admit it Happens
-Be Aware of Creepiness
-Listen
-Negotiate... and Stick To It
-Be Heard Calling "Bullshit"



Again, you can read more about these headings, and what I mean by them, here.


Community leaders, you should be doing those things. But there's a few extra things I think you should consider when hosting or running an event or an event space- as someone who has hosted multiple events in both SF and London, these are things I've learned myself from experience. 


Take them or leave them, but I definitely suggest you have a think about them. Ready?


Make Your Rules Clear To Everyone


You know user agreements? Most people glance over them, say "yeah yeah yeah" and click "I've read and understand the TOS" without really reading it. They're held responsible for knowing the TOS anyway, but they don't really read it. 


That happens a lot in play spaces I've been in. The rules are listed somewhere in the front, by the door, where people give it a quick glance and say they know the rules without really checking in with them. They want to get into the party, after all! Performers are often not read the rules at all. And once you get into the play space, the rules aren't clearly restated again anywhere. This creates multiple possible issues- people don't really know the rules and aren't likely to return to the doorway to read them more thoroughly, things that are against the rules are harder to reference without the help of a DM or host, and it's easier for a predator to say innocently that they didn't know it wasn't ok, or they forgot.


So what do you do? Well, two playspaces I've gone to have great methods for this. Both had their rules online, and they either encouraged or insisted that you read them before you come along. Secondly, both had a way or checking in with you at the door- one space made you sign in on a copy of the rules every time, and they would tell you to read them again, because you would be held accountable for them. The other space reads an abridged version of the rules to everyone who comes to the party, no matter how long you've been coming. This means that you get a verbal confirmation that every party guest knows the rules, and it makes it clear that these rules are important. It also makes the hosts life easier- if someone breaks a rule, you can say "you broke this rule, you knew that was a rule, and that's not ok". The social agreement has been made.


Another thing I've found interesting is asking the community for ideas on what the rules should be. This can take some time, but it allows you to build a list of rules for behaviour at the party that works for your specific event and helps people feel invested. Get your community involved, and figure out what values are important to you all and what issues need addressing.


Have Your Rules Posted INSIDE The Playspace


Similar to the above- if the rules are reiterated inside the playspace somewhere (like the social area) it can reaffirm that these rules are important and make it accessible for everyone to read. It also enables party-goers to point to rule #5 and say "this is a rule for this space, and you agreed to it in order to be here, please follow it".


Think About Safewords


I think it's a bad idea to tell people that they shouldn't "abuse the house safeword". On this, I can only speak to personal experience, but... it made me reluctant to speak up when my boundaries were crossed because I didn't want to "make a fuss", which is so frowned upon by the community. When you're in a scene, and you've safeworded and your partner keeps going, you may sit and try to figure out in your head "yes, this is serious, but is it serious enough that other people won't accuse me of abusing the house safeword and being melodramatic?" And that can be dangerous.


Also remember- just because someone didn't safeword doesn't mean that their experience of abuse isn't valid. Trauma manifests in a lot of ways, one of the most common being disassociation. Speaking at all, much less saying a safeword, can be impossible. I would suggest recommending negotiation before play as a more consistent way to avoid boundary violation than just "having a safeword". Safewords do not always protect you.


Consider having a PAL/Buddy System 


Kinky Salon had a few ways of dealing with issues before they settled on the PAL system. I think it's inspired, and here's why- rather than having a single guy policy (which makes men feel resentful, entitled, and/or penalized for being male, while ignoring women who break rules) the PAL system means that everyone's vouching for each other. Also, if there's an issue, the PAL system says that both the perp and their PAL get spoken to- no one likes to be told off in front of friends. Self-policing is extremely effective in general, and then hosts/DMs can fill in the cracks. It also allows for hosts to address an issue less formally first- "hey, I see your PAL is getting a little gropey, can you speak to them please?" can stop a problem before it gets out of hand.


Personally, Kinky Salon London has a database of names and photos of every member of our party, which allows us to pinpoint who we've had a complaint about if necessary. I understand that's not practical for every space, but it's certainly worth thinking about- if there's an issue with G, and I don't know what G looks like, I might get the wrong G when I talk to someone! Have a privacy policy around this and guard it with your life. We don't make people give their real names, for example, so they maintain anonymity, but we have their photo, their email, and the name they sign up with. Again, it's a great way to encourage self-policing.


Make Your Hosts/DMs Accessible and Diverse


One problem I've had with dungeon parties and the occasional swinger space is that the hosts are often chatting with a group of their friends. This is why I'd suggest having people other than the main hosts who act as a welcoming community and are equipped to deal with issues- it allows the main hosts to have fun at their party while also giving people someone accessible to speak to. DMs often come off a bit like police- they're waiting in case something happens, so may not be able to be as chatty when on shift- hosts can help with that by talking to wallflowers and introducing people to other people. This can greatly reduce the lurking that can happen at parties and helps make everyone feel included.


I also would suggest trying to have some diversity in your hosts/DMs. If I've just had an issue with a dominant male, I will probably feel uncomfortable chatting with another dominant male if I have an issue. And remember- sometimes the problem person IS the DM/host, so having more than one can mean there's a outlet if that happens. It's also great to rotate these volunteers if you can, because another potential issue is that the person causing trouble may be friends with a couple of the hosts/DMs and if those hosts/DMs are the same at every party it can feel pretty unsafe.


Don't Be Afraid to Put Your Foot Down


"But people really like him..." "But she's following the letter of the law, if not the spirit..." "But he's such a great volunteer..." But but but. There's a lot of buts I've heard when trying to talk to a host about an issue at an altsex space. People make excuses for the behaviour of others all the time. As a host, you need to be objective and think about this differently. Because, lets face it, if there's a sexual assault and the cops get called (which is reasonable, by the way) you run the risk of losing your space and your ass is on the line, so it's in your best interest to listen. Most government/police officials would love to see altsex spaces shut down.


Putting your foot down is one of the hardest parts. You may have to tell a pillar of the community that their behaviour is inappropriate and they need to leave. You may have to ban someone that's well-liked. You may have to tell someone that rape jokes can be triggering, or that refusing to use someone's chosen pronouns isn't ok. You may have to delete a thread and people will complain. But you are a leader and will just have to take that on, because you have a responsibility to maintain a safe space. If being popular is more important that creating the safest space you can, you may want to reconsider hosting events.


Tell People What They're Doing Wrong


This one is near and dear to my heart. At KSL we have a yellow card/red card system which allows us a system in how we deal with issues. A yellow card issue is one that's problematic or against one of the rules (getting too intoxicated, say, or touching without permission) and you get a warning. If you do not heed that warning ad keep behaving the same way, you get a red card and are banned, usually from the next event, though for certain circumstances you may be banned for longer. When we give a yellow or red card, we explain why, without naming names, by indicating what on the charter they broke and why that's not acceptable. Because yeah, people fuck up, altsex spaces are not the norm for a lot of people and (at least in theory) we consider consent to be a value in a way that society often does not. By telling someone what they're doing wrong and how to fix it, you can offer them the chance to learn and do better next time. If you just kick them out of your community and don't explain why, they may go to another one and do the exact same thing, having learned nothing.


Know Your Shit About Sexual Assault


As a host, you and your DMs should have some first responder training to know what to do if you are speaking to the victim of sexual assault. I can imagine people saying "oh, but I just know what to do!" No, you probably don't. You take first aid classes, and make your DMs take those, so first responder training should just add that extra bit that is incredibly important. Here in California, consider talking to San Francisco Women Against Rape about getting some training and information, because I can promise you that some of the things you need to know to do are not what you expect. Look into rape awareness and first responder training in your area.


I would go so far as to say if you want to (as I hear so often) "address these issues as a community", then you need to know how to support the victim first rather than address the perp first. You need to know how to listen to what the victim needs to feel safe. You need to understand that abuse is scary and sometimes the story changes because your brain blocks things or changes things around in order to cope with trauma. And you definitely need to consider that telling a victim that they're being dramatic is unacceptable. Refer to aforementioned blog- admit that this happens, even in your community, even with people you know, even at your party- and get some training to help you deal with it.


Have Resources Clearly Available


Consider having flyers by all the other flyers about how BDSM is not abuse and abuse is not BDSM. The National Leather Association's Domestic Violence Project has some great resources on offer, including pamphletspostcards and a hotline. Have some cards for Kink Aware Professionals. Have cards for Consent Culture (when we finally get it up and running) as Maggie Mayhem and I will have a list of resources for people there. If you have a suggested resource please link me to it and I'll add it to this. Resources let people have some space to get the help they need if they're intimidated asking in person.


Remember: You Are Being Watched


You are a community leader, or a host, or a DM. Other people are watching you. If you're smacking asses without permission, or cracking jokes about raping people, or victim-blaming, other people pick up on that and decide it's ok to do. This is a great example of how NOT to do it on Fetlife. If you don't speak up about a problem or don't call someone out on their shit, people are watching you do that and deciding how to handle issues themselves based on that. If you don't follow up a boundary violation with clear action or make excuses for a predator, people will realize that you aren't to be trusted with that information. Some won't come to you. Some won't come to your spaces at all. You have a responsibility to go above and beyond when it comes to holding people accountable and creating integrity in your community- that's what being a leader is all about.


I hope this is helpful to people, and please, if you're in the Bay Area, come to Maggie's and my workshop August 4th "Safe/Ward: Combating Abuse in the BDSM Community". Even if you're altsex, or a swinger, this workshop can give you some important information. Plus we have some pretty amazing raffle prizes. :) It's listed on Fetlife and Facebookthe guestlist is anonymous and will not show up on your wall