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Review: Sugar High Glitter City

OH

MY

GOD.

I didn't think any porn could possibly beat out my current favourite, "Post Apocalyptic Cowgirls" (which is overdue for a review itself actually) but "Sugar High Glitter City" is FUCKING AMAZING.

To give you an idea, I have a history with this porn. I've meant to see it for years and years but could never find it, to my distress! It's really hard to track down, cause it's from 2001 and it's queer porn. But I finally bought it about two months ago, and just got to watch it today. God do I love it.

The story is that it's the future, and sugar is outlawed. The black market for sugar sees all sorts of behaviour from candy-addicted dykes, from corrupt cops aching for a fix to candy hos of all genders trying to get just one more pixie stick. There's a born-again sweets addict who turns away from it only to return to the clutches of the sugarcane. It's a somewhat dark and twisted plot, which is exactly why I enjoyed it so much.

There's so much glitter, for a start, and the costumes are awesome. Everyone wears some glitter it seems, which makes this into a glam rock fuckfest. There's bellies, asses juggling, squirting, drag kings and butches and femmes a-plenty. I loved the power dynamics. I loved the narration that kept the minimal storyline together. I loved that all the performers had candy-themed names- Salt Taffy, Honey Dew, Rock Candy, Crem de la Marmalade. I loved the dirty talk, the giggling, the shuddering orgasms.

I really loved the whole sex worker dynamic in this too, even though it's sleazy- it's so camp that I feel like I can enjoy it without feeling politically conflicted. And god, the sex was rough and desperate and so fucking sexy- the threesome with one of the corrupt cops fucking Cherry Glaze as she licks Honey Dew's cunt is just gorgeous. This was lesbian porn the way I want to see it. How did it take me so long??

Also, um... yeah. Was delighted by the daddy/girl dirty talk with a boi hustler and a femme client.

It's a dreamy porn with a great soundtrack, not overly produced but gritty as it should be. There's all sorts of diversity, different ethnicities, different body types, different ways of expressing gender. I feel like there wasn't a strict script which meant the dialogue was allowed to go the way they wanted it to, which made the scenes even better.

The only thing I didn't like was that this was a short porn (granted, among the first of its kind!) only being about 1 hour 13 minutes. I wanted to have more of it. Maybe I'm addicted to the sugar high of this glitter city. Please can haz a sequel?!?

Along with the porn, there's a segment of "How to Pick Up Girls", some outtakes, previews of "Hard Love/How to Fuck in High Heels" and "Bend Over Boyfriend" (1&2). There's a sex ed segment about talking dirty, too, which made me laugh because of the way it's presented- playful and fun.

I bought my copy from Good Vibrations, though it no longer appears to be on their site. If you'd like to see this for yourself, check out Passionate VOD. Well worth the money for sure!

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"the meat's on the stage, not on the plate"-veganism and gaze

Everyone's talking about this vegan strip club that opened up in Portland Oregon a while back (and by everyone I mean Julie Bindel). It is no secret that while I support being an ethical food consumer I am very aware that soy, wheat and corn grown the way we currently grow them are just as bad for the environment and animals as the meat consumption they (partially) support, and really the best thing to do is try as much as you can to get sustainably sourced food, whether fleshy or not. I've read a lot about how switching from meat to tofu would be ignoring the fundamental problems with industrial farming and I think that's were the issue lies (there's a bunch of links to start with in the comments, by the way, if you're curious how I got there). My boy used to be vegan and now is just generally food conscious, which is I think the more sustainable way to be (recognizing also that we culturally eat way more meat than is necessary and that's not sustainable either).

But I'm not here to debate whether veganism is right or wrong. Basically, the fuss seems to be about the fact that Casa Diablo, billing itself as a vegan strip club, is setting up another branch (amusingly, right by a strip club that's got the "best steaks you'll ever taste" according to Yelp). There was, of course, a protest, and a counter protest, and a lot of signs.

Julie of course hates the idea because all sex work is female oppression- an over simplification of the issue, of course, and one that does no one any favours. How ironic that she actively silences women who try to speak up for their experiences in sex work, using these women are examples of her point without letting them have a voice... seems pretty objectifying to me, but anyway. This isn't really about Bindel, that's another post entirely.

As there's few photos of Diablo, I'm going to give you a bunch of PETA campaign photos instead.

Casa Diablo has a myspace page (OH GOD WHY) and some interesting yelp reviews which suggest that this venue is a great place for "naked ladies and chili cheese fries". In theory, this is a match made in heaven- socially conscious stripping taken to the next level, at least potentially. But before I could really decide how I felt about it, I decided to do a little digging. And frankly, as a sex worker rights activist... I'm concerned.

The reviews unanimously say that you "get a lot for your money", which suggests that the lap dances are a lot more than just lap dances (and therefore should be more than $30 a song). One guy whines that many of the dancers didn't let him touch them, and if they did he'd give 5 stars- mm, lack of boundaries.

There's a lot of questions I have about the raunchiness of the stage shows, too, as I've read a lot of mentions of pussy right by your face.  One lady even says "if you're like me and you are not interested in being molested (really) and possibly being exposed yourself, I would stay far away from Casa Diablo". To me, that sounds like there's potential for expensive unofficial stage fees that keep the girls working the crowd in an aggressive and desperate fashion, which doesn't make me feel that great.

Plus, the title of this blog entry? That's Casa Diablo's tag line. And Johnny the owner? He blows off feminist concerns and critique as being from "feminazis", which makes him look like an asshole. Reading the forums, it sounds like he sniffs around the stripper message boards and threatens the girls who say anything against his club with no work, which seems pretty exploitative to me.

Not that this couldn't be done well, either! I love the idea, and I think Johnny has a good schtick with his ability to appeal to a wider range of people by just providing vegan food without a fuss (cheap, too, which is good, though he doesn't mention that his food is vegan and I wonder about someone who comes in expecting chicken and gets soy who has an allergy... ethical..?).

However, there's a way to do this that doesn't feel like exploiting women to save animals, and I wish there was more press talking to the dancers themselves and asking how it is to work there. River City Kitty talks about it a bit but that was back in 2008 so I wonder how it is behind the curtain. Looking at a stripper forum, it doesn't look great.

How would I do it better? First of all, I'd unionize the dancers. That gives them the ability to set some boundaries and speak up for themselves, which I think is really important in any sex work environment. Never mind that unionizing the girls draws a clear line in the sand that your intention is to collaborate, not objectify. Bring everyone up together, right? Additionally, I'd make a point of having a diverse range of body types and ethnicities- it sounds like they're fairly diverse, but without being able to find images of the dancers (even anonymized ones) it's hard to tell. And frankly, if I was doing it, I'd at LEAST have a dudes night, with sexy male strippers on stage at least once a month if not more often. 

But this isn't just about Casa Diablo. This is also about what seems like a general willingness of vegan groups to use the objectification of female bodies "for the cause"- and not just any female bodies, but white, slender, able-bodied, conventionally attractive female bodies. The Vegan Vixens do it with their dance troupe. PETA is getting in on the action with their idea for a porn site (I kid you not).

Not that PETA wasn't fairly porn-y to begin with- I've seen a lot of naked girls in cages thanks to them (and seriously, thanks, as a young kinkster some of my first images of petgirls came from PETA, which was probably not their intention). That's kind of why I wanted to illustrate this post with their images, because I bet I'm not the only one who totally ignores the vegan message to find the kink sexy.

I guess it's good that PETA is objectifying men too now, though their fat-phobia is really repulsive to me, and the fact that most if not all of their imagery is for a heterosexual consumerist male gaze makes me throw up a little in my mouth too. I bet their porn will be no different.

However. It's important to remember that it's not a big jump from "sexy woman is marked up as meat" to "woman chained up and carved" snuff porn disguised as a PETA ad. I think if SAW and PETA have photos in common, that's not the best sign for feminism. Plus PETA has done stuff like compare people who eat and breed meat to Hitler, which I think is kind of hilarious as Hitler was rumored to be (just got into a massive debate about this) a vegetarian (PS- got any data on this one way or another not written by biased sources i.e. pro- or anti-vegetarian groups/people?)



What really grosses me out, and I wonder what they were thinking when they decided this, is that PETA's porn site will "lure people in with salacious images, then confront them with graphic footage of animal cruelty." This seems like an idea that will backfire, especially as I'm imagining vegans won't buy the porn because they'll be sad to see the animal abuse and meat eaters won't buy it because they don't want to be preached at. So who will? Quite possibly people who jerk off to snuff fantasies... which, especially when you keep equating women's bodies with meat, seems like a really, really stupid idea.

Could you use a sex-positive attitude to promote animal rights? Sure. I think you can. But consistently the method used is throwing women under the bus, and until that changes and becomes more ethical and less sexist, I can't really support them.

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my fox

So, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll know that this is the boy. My boy. My boyfriend, my best friend, my puppy, my little boy, my lover and, who knows, maybe my soulmate.

And I am still crazy in love with him after 1 1/2 years.

It seems unreal. I never thought NRE would last this long, and maybe it hasn't, but I still perk up when I see him, I still feel giant surges of happy when he texts. We like to surprise each other, and it's still fun- I feel like I'm still uncovering pieces of him, and like I'm learning what's important to me. He still sexually excites me, still fascinates me, still makes my heart pitterpatter, even after all the hard shit we've gone through together.

Sometimes I wonder if that's where the distance helps. It's hard, for sure, but I feel like us being apart makes us appreciate each other more. The making time is more pronounced, more purposeful. I feel like being away makes it possible for me to notice the changes he's made, the effort he's gone through to become a better person. And I can see myself changing too, becoming better at communication, wanting to be the best girlfriend and Domme I can be- someone he wants to serve, wants to impress.

I've been thinking about this lately particularly because we've been working a lot on nonmonogamy and what that means for us, how that manifests. It has been a hard fucking road for us both, and probably still will be. I'm not used to being a primary, not used to compromising, not used to checking in. I have been desperately insecure, heatedly jealous, incredibly angry, deeply hurt. And I've wounded him back. We've broken up, we've screamed and rowed, we've stormed out on each other and bawled our eyes out. But we keep coming back together, keep realizing that we both want to walk this road together for a while. And so we keep doing the work- the hard work, the heartbreaking work, the exploration of our psyches. I feel like I want to be with him more than I want to be complacently comfortable, and I think he feels the same.

It means a lot.

I've worried that this is codependency more than it's love. And there were times it was pretty unhealthy. I guess on some level I had internalized the idea that I couldn't really love, as a sex worker, and/or that I would never be considered deserving of love. But each day, I feel a little stronger. I feel like I'm getting closer to the person I want to be, and I've realized that he helps me want to change, gives me strength to confront these fears, just as much as I do that for him. I think I was afraid to let go enough to be in the moment and be in love, because I was scared that I would shatter.

The boy has taught me a lot. I've not always liked the lessons, mind, and they keep coming. But I am really proud of him, proud of how far he's come in confronting his fears, his determination in continuing to grow. He challenges himself so that I can be happy, and he gives me the courage to do the same for him. We're learning, always learning. And I feel, more than I've ever felt, that he's my counterpart, that we can face the world together, hand in hand.

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye" he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose-- "said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."

-The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The Little Prince is one of my favourite stories, not least because of this exchange between the fox and the Little Prince. It sings to some inner part of me in a way I can't even explain. It just feels right.

The boy is my fox, and he has tamed me as surely as I have tamed him. Even when I am far away, I see him everywhere I go, and I am endlessly glad I went to that FemDom club that night, that we went on that date, that we took the hard path and grew together.

And he is unique in all the world to me.

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Kitty Stryker does the 6th Annual IXFF!

Last night I had the delight of being whirled into the glamour of the Good Vibrations IXFF- the Indie Erotic Film Festival that brings all sorts of sensual pleasures to the big screen in 7 minutes or less. Walking up to the Castro Theatre in my high femme finery, I was looking forward to what I'd see tonight, as I've enjoyed this film festival now for three years running and last year's was amazing! Originally only open to the Bay Area, it now boasts international entries from Mexico City, Mexico to London, England, and from Wellington, New Zealand to Paris, France- of course with a smattering of  San Francisco and New York City to spice it up. Seeing all the diversity is exciting, and I enjoy seeing how people interpret the term "erotic film".

The VIP party before the event is excellent. I love being upstairs at the Castro Theatre and chatting up all the filmmakers and stars, nibbling on some snacks from Hot Cookie and drinking cocktails courtesy of the Festival. This time there was a bordello-ish theme, and I enjoyed a "Root of All Evil" concoction of root beer and absinthe. Sounds weird, but tasted lovely! There was also a moustache photo booth (and I totally forgot to pick up my photo, damn!) and a Wheel of Sex Toys- I had to laugh, as I've been an affiliate of Good Vibes fro a while, and the first two toys I won I already had! It was ok, though, they dug around and I got a porn instead- a Jesse Jane production. There was a live band playing bluesy jazz music, much to my delight, and some burlesque performances that made the run up to the films a little more exciting. I was particularly happy to get a chance to say a sheepish hi to Dylan Ryan and have a chat with Jiz Lee, who introduced me to Bobbi Starr- we discussed pornography and the film festival as we waited for a good time to settle into our seats.

Around 8:00 PM people started to clear out upstairs, so I wandered down and found a seat right up front. I've enjoyed the commentary- again provided by Dr. Carol Queen, Peaches Christ, LadyBear and Hugz Bunny. One of the things I love about this festival is the welcoming nature of it- of amateur entries, of queer entries, of trans entries, of entries in other mediums. I'm never entirely sure what I'm getting myself into, and I think that's fabulous.

The first movie up was "Me or the Porn", a short involving an angry girlfriend demanding her partner make a choice- her, or his laptop full of quality smut. As it was the first entry in the festival, I'm sure you can guess who came out on top there! Swinging from comedy to a somewhat heartwrenching short was "Salam & Love", wherein two women have a hot fling in a cave, and it's only when they start to get dressed that you realize this isn't your normal secret rendezvous between lovers. Also tugging at my heartstrings a little was the animated short "Always, Only, Ever", featuring a wistful lover looking for his sweetheart in the bottom of a bottle.

"Tooth & Nail" was a rather startling entry featuring Dylan Ryan, writhing and struggling, sometimes in a straitjacket, sometimes just in her own head. And the 70s-like "Fight Flight or Fuck", a personal sex tape that they decided to share in this festival, had some great chemistry, though I found the questionable consent in the beginning initially unsettling. Erika Lust had submitted an entry, one I really enjoyed- "Room 33" created a hotel where you could leave a note on your door to get just the right kind of sexual experience for you, an idea I found clever and sexy. "Horsey", on the other hand, was a surreal introspection into how pleasure and sexual exploration can be healing and freeing... it's not about ponyplay, though, in case you were wondering!

There was plenty of comedy, too, many of which for some reason involved tennis (?). I'm not sure I can explain why, as I don't know myself, but it was a tennis-heavy erotic film competition! "Dildo Sport" was a cute and funny little clip I had seen before, while "30 Love" had an eroticism I quite enjoyed- a woman recording the sounds a stranger makes while he plays tennis, only to record herself masturbating to his grunts for a dvd she leaves on his workout bag. Stalkerish, of course, but hot in the fantasy world for sure! "Tales of Mere Existence" had two parts- I have to say my favourite was "What Would Penis Do?", an amusing explanation for the trouble that happens when the heart, brain, and penis are not all on the same page. "Burger Time" made me crack up (a woman having a burger stuffed into her mouth by a dominatrix type screaming "it's BURGER TIME BITCH!"), even while I was thinking about feederism and how this could have a totally different context for some people! I also fell in love with "Barbie's Washday" with its stop animation of what Barbie and Cindy do when their washing machine breaks... and what Ken finds when he comes to fix it.

But really, there was a clear winner this year, particularly because of the lack of good old hardcore sexin'. There was a lot of eroticism, but it was a cerebral year. I was not, therefore, surprised but quite pleased when the short "La Putiza" won, with it's amazingly crazy tale of gay lucha libre wrestlers battling it out. It was FANTASTIC, with plenty of penises to make the crowd cheer. Director Gerardo Delgado therefore won the   $1500 check- and I have no doubt that it went to the right person.

There's one thing for sure though... I left determined to shoot my own erotic short for next year. So watch out, IXFF- Kitty Stryker is coming for you!

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Hysteria: I really can't wait for this movie.

Maggie Gyllenhaal.
The history of vibrators (link shows my favourite from Good Vibrations Antique Vibrator Museum).
Victorian England.

THIS MOVIE WILL BE EPIC.

It’s like “Carnal Machines”, but as a movie. :D

What's your favourite modern vibrator? Mine is totally the G-Ki- I review it here!

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Pussyfest: Like Catnip for my Libido

It's Wednesday, and my cunt is only now feeling a little less pounded from my date on Saturday. That means it was a good night, folks, a very good night indeed.

Saturday was Kinky Salon, and as I mentioned earlier, the boy was off on a date of his own at London's KS too. Kind of surreal- I got a message that he and his date were heading home as my date and I were heading out! The theme was Pussyfest (which feels like a party just for me) and my date was the gorgeous Penny, dressed in a painfully cute bunny goth loli outfit. She was already loli-ed up (with a dress over her tits, of course) when she picked me up and whisked me away for some amazingly good sushi at a little place I hadn't been to before. We chitchatted (carefully, as there were kids about) and talked about the boy (they've met before- he actually edited her really awesome book on AB/DL) and I was pleased to see that Penny is one of those girls who actually eats on a date- no salad picking nonsense, and no "oh I shouldn't". Yes, I notice.

We went back to hers so I could change and she could take care of some things, and then were off into the city. In a pretty short time we managed to find reasonable parking, which was exciting (San Francisco is kind of awful for parking sometimes!) and headed up into the space. Both Penny and I had been to Mission Control before, but she hadn't gone to Kinky Salon before, so I was a little giddy to see what she'd think. The party was in full swing by this time, with cats, dogs, bunnies and balls of string dancing, flirting and giggling, so I introduced her to some people, did the cheek-kissing thing as I checked our booze at the bar (champagne and amaretto, which is lovely btw).

Then it was time for the midnight Cabaret. It was fantastic! I rarely make it in to see the cabaret anymore but I wanted to make sure Penny got a chance to check it out. She was wearing a corset, so I managed to find a place where she could sit comfortably and I sat at her feet to watch performances like a burlesque version of the e-harmony girl who really, REALLY loves cats. It was kind of hilarious!

And it was nice to feel Penny's nails gently on my back as we sat there. It helped to break the ice a little. Because, honestly, while I've performed with her before, it's been... well, for work, and she's been paying me. So to go from a scripted thing to anything goes was a little... nerve-racking! Boundaries are complicated things and we both want to work together again but also kinda wanted to fuck like, well, bunnies. And before you ask why she was a bunny at a cat party- there's a Cool Devices (hentai, obv) episode with a bunnygirl in a cage, watching as a kittygirl comes in, teases the submissive bunnygirl, and then gets fucked roughly by her owner over the cage, her nippes poking through the bars so the bunny can lick them. Hot. Even hotter that she knew about it too, as Cool Devices was one of my my first (if not THE first) videos I wanked to.

Anyway. I have a service kink. I don't know if she did it purposefully, but when she fetched me drinks and carried bags for me, it was a huge turn on. Add to that a moment in the smoking area where she sat at my feet, cheek on my thigh... and I was ready to break out the toy bag and ignore all my overthinking worrying nonsense. So we peeked around the space and ended up in my old favourite, the Pink Room, with some paddles, a strap on, cuffs, and a vibrator. Penny neatly organized the toys on the bed, which was just even more sexy for me. I kissed her- first gently, then harder, with her nuzzling my breasts and sucking my nipples feverishly. I could feel my inner Beast stretching inside me, wanting to throw her down and bite her. But, have to save things for later, no?

We tumbled onto the bed as I kissed her breasts and nibbled at her nipples, kissing her belly and untying her furry panties to kiss her pubic mound. "Would you like me to use a dental dam?" I asked, and she said yes, please, so I grabbed a glove and ripped the palm with my teeth to give me a wide latex barrier and a finger at the top that I rolled over her clit before diving in. Oh, it was such a turn on, stretching the latex over her labia as I used my tongue, loving the way her thighs clamped around my face.

Kissing again, the dam rolled up and thrown away, she asked me what I wanted. This is one of those things I've generally struggled with, telling someone "yes, please, I'd like you to do this to me". I usually just say "oh, it's ok, I prefer to do stuff to others" because I'm scared that I'll get frustrated with my brain and my cunt's inability to talk to each other sometimes. But I took a deep breath and said "actually, I'd really like to be fingered". Penny smiled and slid a glove on (and they say safer sex can't be sexy), lubing me up and sliding her fingers in. God, it was great. I loved feeling her inside me, and I loved even more when I came on her hand and she was exclaiming at my kegals squeezing her fingers!

Then it was time for a little more kissing, and snuggles, and homewards for us both. I got home in time to check in and get read a story by the boy, which was really nice. I still had some jealousy about his having PIV sex with a friend of mine (and there is totally a whole post about how stupid I feel that heteronormative ideals still have that kind of power) but it's a little harder to worry about it when you've been having sexyfuntimes of your own!

It was all in all a great lesson in "don't be a chickenshit, ask for what you want", and with such a pretty girl, I may be a little hot for teacher. Can't wait for the next study session!

(And though she happily gave me permission to write about our adventures... I still bet she's going to blush when she reads this- she looks cute that way. ;) )

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"to have and not to hold"

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.


So after a week in which I spent about half of it ranting about how just because I don't like some aspects of some poly communities it didn't mean I hated polyamorous people (unless they were self-righteous asshats about it), and was told that I was just bitter cause I had bad experiences with polyamory, I had... well. Quite the weekend, really.

It started with a session that was kind of fantastic. I got to do things I really, really enjoy- a bit of cling film, a bit of caning, a bit of assplay. It was made endlessly better by the fact that his sweetie was totally informed and consenting- something that does happen in the sex work world but is pretty rare. It was a great way, too, to reflect on limits, and boundaries, and how there are ways to be nonmonogamous and very upfront and self-reflective while also having those limits and boundaries. Sometimes it's good to challenge those, sure, but if they work for everyone involved... why push it?

I felt glad to see another model of nonmonogamy working, to be honest. It reminded me that I became poly and stayed nonmonogamous because I really do feel that commitment and continuity (along with communication and trust) is what's important to me, and when my relationship is stable, I feel a lot better about having less limitations on being open. It's while those building blocks are still being worked into the foundation that I want more rules- and for the boy and I, that seems to be ok.

It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.



It was Kinky Salon this weekend, both in the US and in the UK.

And the boy and I both had a hot date- our first experience trying this out in... well, maybe ever, actually.

With the long distance thing, and some of our past issues, I've been terrified of him sleeping with someone else, because almost every time he has in the past, it's been a disaster. And he's been upset at me sleeping with someone else too, so we've been stagnating, our sexualities clashing, getting crankier and more frustrated. In our attempts to be a more stable couple, we have instead often raged against the boundaries and rules, wanting to be free to do as we liked and (I think) wishing the other person didn't want to sleep with other people. It's one of those things they even list in "Managing Jealousy" resources- "if my partner was happy enough with me, they wouldn't need someone else".

But we both want the other to be happy. And long distance for months without physical intimacy is, honestly, a bit soul-crushing. So it was time to let go a little, to be uncomfortable, to see what happened. And while all that was kind of scary, the fact that we both got to have a sexy date at a fun party made it go a little smoother, I think. I was still pretty nervous though. What if I wasn't ready? What if I was a giant hypocrite and wanted him to be celibate while I fucked around? What if his having sex, even with my permission, made me hate him or freak out? As much as I hoped for it to go well, it was tentatively and with a deep breath that I released my grip.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.


So, falcons, right. They're wild birds that are tamed to kill you some game and bring it back, perching on your leather gauntlet. And when they're started out, they're on a tether. But you can't keep them on that tether forever- one day you have to let them go and see what happens. If they fly back, you've created a symbiotic relationship. If not, well... now you know. And as you watch that bird soar into the sky, your heart just sinks because you're so sure that this was a terrible idea and they may be gone forever.

That's a bit how it felt letting the boy go to a play party with another woman, without me there. And I felt a bit fearful that if I went out and had a great time, he would be angry and resentful and it would be miserable and dramatic. At the same time, I am really drawn to this girl I went to KS with- she's gorgeous, brainy, geeky, and stylish, with this sweetness that's the sugar crust on a ferocious passion that's delicious. I wanted to see how things went, and I really wanted them to go well... though I was scared if it went too well he would feel threatened and that would be the end of things. I wanted to have it all.

I can't do it, you say it's killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
You float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor's button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.

Well...  he came back. :) And I came back to him.

The boy had a great time at KSL with a girl who's been mentioned in this blog before. I initially felt ok about it as I know and trust her and felt that she would not only have a good time with him, she would be very compassionate to me as well. And she was- I felt like they both reassured me and made me feel missed and wanted and cared about.

You know all that stuff I say about feeling able to say no and have that respected makes the yes mean more?

Yeah, that.

I felt like I could say I wasn't comfortable and they would work within what felt ok for me- which made me feel much more ok with letting them do as they wanted. Funny how that can work. And it wasn't painfree- I still feel a little jealous even now, but I'm not really scared that I've lost my partner.

And in addition, the boy made me feel really good about having a nice time on my date. KS's theme was Pussyfest and we had a lovely time- her outfit was adorable and she made me feel like the sexiest woman alive. Best of all, I didn't feel guilty sharing our experiences. I didn't feel resentful. I felt excited for next time, and I loved that we could share in a way that was hot and affirming for us. I felt like I really had his permission and his blessing, and it made the whole experience better.

So why did this all work for me when other extra-pair bonds have been traumatic? I think because both of the dates we had, his and mine, were incredibly understanding and reassuring to the opposite partner. And that made us feel respected as a couple, and cared about as individuals. They did it without asking for a cookie for it, either, but because it was a decent thing to do. It's what we needed, as a couple, and knowing we could have it (knowing it didn't have to be a fight!) is so welcome.

No, I still don't identify as polyamorous, and I still feel annoyed at polyer-than-thou attitudes. But this experiment in nonmonogamy made me feel more secure and happy, turned on and sexy in our relationship.  It's all thanks to the compassion of the people involved. And I'm glad, because I think I want a little more of this feeling, please!

And thank you. You know who you are.

(poem by Marge Piercy, to have without holding)

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People's Choice Reviewers Awards

So I'm in the running for another award for my blog and its reviews! 
This one's really simple, there's multiple categories, and multiple winners. 
There's even a place to write in your own favourite sex toy reviewers.
I'm also listed, so if you feel so inclined, vote for me? The winners get some sort of sexy schwag, and you know if I get sexy schwag you all get to see it in use. ;)
So if my blog has ever helped you pick a sexy toy you like, or learn how to have awesome sex in a certain way, or engage that kink of yours... please vote for me! 
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Hurt Not Harm: Prodommes and Male Submission

"If you are a worthless wallet looking for My purse then you have found it. Get on your knees you scum and take MY money out."
"Lay yourself at My feet sad submissive and share in the wonder that is Me."
"I know exactly how to bring you under my control and exploit and humiliate you like the pathetic little worm you are."

This is the very model of a modern prodomme Mistress.

At least, that's what you're led to believe, by some pretty terribly put together websites, professional pornography and a lot of media encouragement. There's a lot of social support for that particular structure, the idealized version of the sneering, cold-hearted dominatrix with her corset and her latex and her complete disregard for male submissives.

Looking up the term "dominatrix", and there's words I see repeated- "merciless women", "inner bitch", "stilettos", "leather lingerie". Oh, wait, like basically any image of a woman acting as a female dominant on screen. Where is the romantic, female E. Edward Gray, struggling with her desires, perhaps wearing a suit, or jogging at home to exhaust her passion for domination? I can't think of any- the dommes I've seen on film have been catsuitted, emotionally unavailable professionals, often who laugh at their submissive male clients and have a "real man"- some alpha type, obviously- at home who puts them in their place. Cue eyeroll here.

Never mind the way the word "dominatrix" has trickled into popular culture to sexualize, objectify, and often negate powerful women. Any woman with power, particularly in the male-driven world of politics or corporations, is called a dominatrix and portrayed as a whip-wielding harpy disciplining her "naughty" male co-workers. In fact, you can even use "the psychological and theatrical tools of the professional dominatrix" to get ahead at work, cause, you know, if sleeping your way to the top seems patriarchal and objectifying, try using domme skillz to "get your way at work"! Or check out the "dominatrix" trope over at TV Tropes:

"The typical Dominatrix will wear a very strict (yet usually quite revealing) uniform - usually made from leather or rubber - and carry a whip or similar tool... Simply being sexually dominant does not make a female character into a dominatrix: It must be her defining trait, and overtly so."

Side note: I am in love with TV Tropes, and this tongue-in-cheek post just cinched it for me:

Its funny when a woman dominates a man because women are weak ineffectual creatures (rendering the action inoffensive) and men are supposed to be strong and dominant, thus any man in the role of sub deserves to be ridiculed and by no means pitied, even if he's being forced into it.

RIGHT??? ARGH.

(side note: you know who my first exposure to professional domination was, or female domination at all? Doris the Dominatrix from Eating Raoul.)

Anyway, there's another side to it. And you can just read some Bitchy Jones, or Post-Modern Sleaze, or Delving into Deviance, or Lab Coats and Lingerie, or Dishevelled Domina, or Not Just Bitchy, to see the non-professional side of female domination, in all its varied, messy, sometimes-we-domme-in-pajamas-and-we-exist-so-fuck-you glory. Which is awesome, and necessary, and I'm still waiting for a love story between a female dominant and her submissive that is sweet and not played for laughs.

But there's also people like me, Ms Slide, Miss Calico,  Mistress Matisse. The professionals. The ones who get paid for being dominant. And I'm really kind of tired of our profession being blamed for making male submission and male submissives into something that's a Bad, Unsexy Thing. Because I think, very strongly, that people doing that are hacking at the branches of the tree instead of unrooting it.

"When you're training to be in the medical industry, most people have to get over their squeamishness about the body, and she'd already done that. And even more than that, what suits former sex workers to medical jobs is, ironically, it's a very empathetic job. You really have to get in touch with what other people are feeling and needing and be able to read them intuitively. You have to have a pretty strong nurturing streak to do both of those jobs."
-Melissa Febos, talking about a prodomme friend of hers

It doesn't matter how many times professional dommes say that it's a job that involves a lot of empathy and care. We're drowning in two tsunamis- one from societal portrayals that cheapen, objectify, humourize and dehumanize us, and one from lifestyle BDSMers, who accuse us of not actually liking being dominant, of hating our submissive clients, of ruining events and being the only face of female domination.

Let me say this right now- the face of female domination is NOT MY FACE. She is slender, catsuited, stilettoed, heartless, wealthy, submissive to men who are "strong enough", and there only to fulfill the requirements of the client. She is a capitalistic, male-invented wank fantasy that has more in common with patriarchy than with female empowerment.

Maggie Mayhem writes:

"As soon as I identified formally as a female dominant in a BDSM context, the only men I seemed to be able to attract were the kinds of men who would dictate the entire script for their ideal sexual encounter with the expectation that my sexual pleasure would come strictly from serving that desire for them. On paper we would be on the same page for a scene negotiation but I would notice very quickly that the expectations were less of a close match than I thought. My actions were ostensibly those of a dominant, but my role was much more submissive in nature and it just wasn’t doing it for me. I began to even question whether or not I was a dominant because I wasn’t having fun doing all of these so-called “dominant” things.
After awhile I felt jaded about the whole formal Fem Dom thing and eventually scrapped it out of frustration. Without any understanding of identity politics and the way that systemic sexism was getting in the way of my bedroom fun I had been trying to shoe-horn myself into the role that was available to me without critically looking at either myself or the construction of those roles. I stopped going to BDSM parties “as a domme.”"

I quote this because I feel like that's part of the whole belief about professional Dommes- we're only following a script that the client gives us. Sure, some may do that, particularly ones that aren't turned on by female domination. Some may see themselves as performers, and that's also valid. This IS just a job for some people, and that's totally ok too.

For me, it's a passion. And personally, I don't follow a play-by-play, and I'm pretty sure neither do many of the Dommes I know who make money doing something they love. I do the same thing I do with my lovers- I get a feel for what they want from a scene, how they want to feel, their limits and their wants, and I build them a container in which they can explore submission, where they can shut their mind off and let go, knowing that whatever I do to them, whether it be scary, uncomfortable, or painful, I will give them aftercare and cradle them and make sure they're ok. I really genuinely tend to my clients. They're humans in my care, after all.

I became a prodomme not because I hated men, or felt like a fool and his money are soon parted, or wanted to make easy money without having sex. I became a prodomme first because I found human sexuality in all its variety fascinating, and very quickly realized that I had immense power to encourage these men, to teach them to find power and joy in being submissive, to find inner peace through giving that power, even for an hour, to someone else. I am paid, not because I resent my work or my clients, but because I am offering my expertise to be a guide and a friend. I am working in sex, sure, but that doesn't make my work less important or valid. Just because some of my submissives pay doesn't mean they deserve contempt.

I have had men come to me terrified of the things they fantasize about. Actually shaking. We weren't exchanging negotiations, they confessed. And it was heartbreaking to hear them say things like, "I know this is crazy but" or "I'm really fucked up aren't I?" because they wanted to be submissive. I had a client thank me for listening to his limits and respecting them, because he had seen "professionals" before who caned him even though he didn't want that, because "that's what a dominatrix does". How impersonal. How coldhearted. How nonconsensual.

I feel for these men. They're told their entire lives that to be anything but an alpha, every second of every day, is to be useless. They're told that their value is in wielding power, and these men are often not entirely sure if they want to release that power- or even if they can let go. It's a delicate process to untangle that mess of protective layering, to gently tug at the bindings of social constraints and stigma to get to the male submissive heart hiding, trembling, in the middle. It's a vulnerable place, and vulnerability is terrifying.

If they come to me ashamed, I hope I help them learn to be proud of their submissive instincts, that they are beautiful and deserve recognition.

If they come to me lonely, I hope I teach them skills and manners that will help them maneuver their way through the scene both on and offline, if they so choose.

If they come to me afraid to tell a partner about their submissive side, I hope I can help them communicate their desires to a lover in a way that makes it fun for them both.

So get mad at the system that tells men that their wallet is their appeal, or that being sexy makes them alphas, gay, or hilarious. Get angry about sexist, racist, classist, ableist, heterosexist fucked up media that takes only what feeds the patriarchy from BDSM culture and sells it to the masses. be fucking FURIOUS with the fact that the only business where women make more than men forces them to perform sex in specific, heteronormative ways. Hold the community responsible, even, for only showing images of sexualized women for the male gaze on their flyers, performances and galleries. I'm with you.

Please, for the love of the FSM, stop seeing me as the enemy. Because my work is about cultivating the beauty of the male submissive, often against many odds, teaching them to love that part of themselves and to succeed in a world that tells them their desires are stupid. I arm them for the battle. I show them that they deserve love. With any luck, I give them hope.

So stop blaming the prodommes. We didn't build this world- we're struggling to live in it.

And it's strangling me, too.

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Review: Urban Chick Supremacy Cell- The Revolution is your Mistress Now

"To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he's a machine, a walking dildo. It's often said that men use women. Use them for what? Surely not pleasure."

So spaketh Valerie Solanis, authoress of the SCUM Manifesto, a tract about the uselessness of men and how women must overthrow the tyranny of the male sex. I think a lot of the things she said were, of course, complete and utter bullshit. But as a performance piece, it's fascinating.

That's kind of the jumping-off place for the Urban Chick Supremacy Cell, a site that seeks to begin to rip apart some of the tropes of FemDom and expose a raw, angrier alternative. No longer is the male submissive held apart as weak and useless, but all men:

"Have you ever wondered what your Mistress gets up to when you aren’t around? Do you fear that the dominant, cruel persona that seduced you with her BDSM games and sadism, stops as soon as she has kicked the last groveling slave from under her feet? You are wrong."

This is made to be interesting femdom content while also retaining a propaganda-like atmosphere, and I think it does a pretty good job of that. I love the shots of Ms. Tytania in a balaclava. I wish, as always, that there were more images of sexy men in here, but the site is relatively new so give it time. At least with the aesthetic of this is makes sense to have the occasional male-face-obscured-by-skimask thing, since they're usually hostages.

Ms. Tytania is a London-based prodomme as well as the creator of this concept. While the clothing she wears is meant to suggest a female skinhead (or skynbyrd) there's no racist content or hate speech. Instead, there are videos, photos, and even an audio clip that together make up this dystopian site. The members area has some more polished material, while the free part gives you a quick glance at what's in store.

"Do you think you are hard, you sports loving, testoserone fuelled muscle mary? The sparring urban Chick, in gloves and boxing vest and shorts, will show you how wrong you are." 

I do like that there's not that horrible trope of "you're not a real man". The men shown here are city boys and sports lovers who are there to address, via their flesh, their crimes of complicity in the patriachy- and sissification gets called out in several videos as being anti-feminist and misogynist, which made me a little gleeful.

Fleshbot compared UCSC to Kink.com, an interesting comparison:

Kink.com
UCSC
Kink.com
UCSC

I see them as pretty different, personally. I mean, I have conflicted feelings on this concept- I love the idea, but I worry that it's another brick in the wall devaluing male submissives. Though I should clarify, I don't think it may cast a scornful eye on male submissives, but rather male submission. That said, while I don't believe in female supremacy, I kinda enjoy the whole "here's your privilege, suck on THAT" idea! Is it forced feminism? Well, it can be taken that way, and as a fantasy thing, it works for me.

I wonder if what makes the difference for me is the disclaimer:

The UC-SC is a creative project created by  female visual artists and film makers based in UK. Its purpose is to cast a sexy, ironic but critical commentary on radical political philosophy, both current and historical, and on its formal discourse, language and themes. 

The UC-SC is a commentary on pornography, its conventions and discourse; also on the adult industry, on the gender roles and stereotypes and on the role of women in it. Last but not least, it is an ironic glance at some schools of feminism.

The disclaimer suggests an awareness of what they're doing that I think makes for good, interesting porn. I also know that the women involved have a deep love and appreciation for male submission, which helps me, personally, enjoy the site as sexual satire. And I am deeply grateful for anything that breaks the shell of the ProDomme, only-here-for-the-money archetype- cold, high femme, immaculate, corseted. The Urban Chick Supremacy Cell is gritty, punk, and pissed off, and the women running it are whipsmart feminists with a healthy sense of humour and a true desire to Domme. Plus I love the idea artistically, it made me giggle.

How can I not love a site that has a video entitled "sheer stockings ripped with hunting knife"? It's a visual taking apart of the "ideal Femdom" trope. Or the way they rip into the whole "sissy" concept to address the fact that it's insulting women. Or sentences used in the videos like “Now I’ll give you back all the shit and rubbish you’ve been fed by patriarchal capitalism, you smug subjected male". Or this:

"Fed up of the oppressive Mistress attire, she cuts her impratical red fingernails and paints them black. The revolution starts in the boudoir!"

Start your revolution here.