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Review and Giveaway: Rodeoh Harness (winner: chey!)

Yeeehaw!

You know I had to do that. ::ahems::

I really loved the idea of the Rodeoh harness when I first came across it. To have butch, comfortable underwear that doubles as a harness for a packer and/or a hard cock would be amazing, right, especially when you're on a night out and you don't want to have to wriggle into and out of a harness.

And who doesn't want to have the option to get it on in the bathroom of the lesbian bar? I mean, really.

Unfortunately, Rodeoh harnesses range in size from 23-24 up to 39-41- too small for my hips! So I had to corral my girlfriend Penny into helping out and modeling this harness so you can see what it was like. It was also an incredibly unsubtle way for me to get some hot pictures of her in this style of underwear which I totally kink for. Mmm, contrasting piping...

So Penny is modeling the black and dark grey brief. It's made of 95% cotton with 5% spandex to give it a good stretch, so it feels pretty firm and tight against the body. That gives this harness some stability for holding up a dildo. There's a built-in o ring that will fit most dildos around 5-7" (though the longer and heavier the more likely it'll fit strangely) and 1 1/2-2" diameter.

We used this harness at the Cowboys and Unicorns Kinky Salon, and gave it a tryout with the Mark caramel dildo. It was really comfortable- no buckles meant nothing to bang between us. It felt really intimate and sexy. She could easily slip it on and off and it looked really sexy on her!

It's recommended that you machine or hand wash this harness and then let it lay flat for drying. Like any underwear, of course, they will wear out eventually, but taking gentle care of it will allow for a longer lifespan.

I'm hoping Rodeoh expands to plus sizes. Fingers crossed- I'd love this harness personally. They do seem to fit a bit tight, so I'd go with the size that covers your measurements- they'll be pretty exact in our experience!

Thank you Rodeoh for sending us a harness in exchange for a fair review!

Are you curious? Well, Rodeoh has programmed a $10 off code just for my readers- type in "Kitty" and get $10 off your purchase!

They're also giving you a chance to try one yourself by letting me give one away! Just remember- the size range is from 23-24 to 39-41.

Here's the rules:

This contest has now finished!

Mandatory Entry (Yep, mandatory, meaning yes, you have to):

Tell me why you want this harness! (Dirty stories are good)

Other Ways to Enter (Not mandatory! 1 entry each, please leave a comment (with contact email) per entry):

-Tweet about it once a day. If you tweet, please be sure to leave a comment! It’s just easier for me to keep track that way. Make sure to include @kittystryker and a link to this post.

Ex: Yeehaw! @kittystryker @rodeohs are giving away a harness that'll keep you buckin', bronco http://tinyurl.com/7lzw9oy

-Follow me on Twitter (comment to let me know)
-"Like" Rodeoh on Facebook (comment to let me know)
-Follow Rodeoh on Twitter (comment to let me know)
-Follow my blog (comment to let me know)
-“Like” Purrversatility on Facebook (comment to let me know)
-For 5 extra entries, review Purrversatility at Alexa and let me know!

This contest finished on til 5pm PST December 5th- the winner was chey! Congrats to you! It's a fabulous harness.

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serviced

I have a really tough time accepting service. I mean, I kink hard for it (I have a fantasy where I have a ladies' valet who can serve tea, pack a bag for me and give me Jeeves style advice) and I used to be a service submissive myself, but I don't know how to... well, lie back and take it, I guess. I'm used to being fairly self-sufficient, so I tend to want to pitch in.

But when I do let go of my tendency to micro-manage, when I let my submissive run me a bath or black my boots, I have such a rush. It turns me on that my submissive is taking time out to focus on my needs, and I can relax, which also turns me on. I'm normally juggling so much stuff that being able to just sit and breathe is a huge deal for me. Watching a pretty boy scrub my floor is sexy because he is working to make my life easier- not because he finds it humiliating, or "women's work", but because he gains pleasure in making my life easier... oh, that's hot.

I still don't know how to handle it, though, how to sit back and let stuff be done for me. I was an independent child, and things haven't changed a bit! I struggle to sit down and not do anything, to be treated, because I feel lazy and guilty. And I worry that by having a kink for having things done for me I'm using my partner, I'm taking advantage. So instead I tend to do a lot and then feel resentful. Heh.

I mean, growing up, I knew that even if one some level I wanted to be pampered and treated and serviced, I didn't want to be a "pillow princess", because that was bad. That reluctance to sit back and let someone fuck me without me doing anything back was partially fixed through bondage, which may've been why I tried being submissive originally. I associated bondage with pleasure, because when I was tied up, there was no way for me to focus on the other person. I had to focus on the enjoyable things happening to my body. I'm an overthinker, you see, so I tend to get lost in critical theory when I should just be existing in my body coasting orgasms.

It's taken a lot of work to accept that it's ok for me to receive pleasure without giving it back right then. And learning that is helping me to solve some of my anorgasmia issues, because I can take some time and breathe. It's hard for me to take space, or take time for myself not doing things for others, but it's important for my emotional well-being, and having a service submissive who can encourage me in that way helps immensely.

Some tips I've learned for how to accept/manage service:

-Offer a playdate on another day as the service date. This allows you relaxation time during your service but also helps you recognize that you have a scheduled time to "pay them back".

-Consider it a type of intimacy and expression of love- yes, they're doing some work for you, but it's a way they can show you they care.

-Talk to them about discipline. Are they seeking to do things poorly so you can correct them, or are they genuinely interested in doing the job well?

-Realize that as a Dominant you are very likely taking charge of a lot of aspects of the relationship, and it's only fair to get some time off.

-Ask your submissive what they get out of service. A great many service submissives get a sense of peace and serenity from menial tasks. Everyone wins!

I hope this helps you in accepting service into your life. It's a process, and I bet I'll write more about my journey in it!

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Review: Kink Academy

There's tons of sites out there that offer erotic content, where you can see people engaging in all sorts of kinks, fetishes, and erotic activities. But there's not many out there that comprehensively teach you how to engage in those activities yourself- and let's face it, not every town has a kink community from which to develop these skills.

Thank goodness, then, for Kink Academy who is offering over 600 videos on everything you could imagine. The videos are all organized pretty well- they're tagged by type of play, skill level, toys used, and faculty members, which makes it easy to find videos covering information that would be useful for your personal play. The faculty includes some fabulous, dedicated community icons I grew up idolizing, such as Cleo DuBois, Cecilia Tan, Anita Wagner and Jay Wiseman, along with some newer blood like Reid MihalkoJames Darling, Mollena Williams and Graydancer. I appreciated that there was a healthy mix of people who were old skool and new generation, talking about kink and nonmonogamy, because I like to learn from everyone I can!

I wanted to give you a brief overview of the sorts of things I found here that really caught my attention. There's too much content to give you a full idea, which is why I like it so much- there's enough here to keep you busy for days and days! Each video is under 10 minutes long- some are more demos, others are more advice focused. Many are videotaped versions of full workshops by well-known presenters. They're all really excellent.

Basic: This is for people who are new and want introductions to various techniques and kinks. It's not just BDSM related, though- while there's excellent videos on things like aftercare, zen submission and foot fetishes, there's also videos on less kinky skills like flirting and body language or managing jealousy. It's not just for straight people, either- no, you'll find videos under the basic section like TransQueering your sex or what to do with transmale cock. And for you geeks- check out the PSIgasm and how it charts the orgasm cycle!

Intermediate: This section gives you some more demos than basic, a little further along the line of skill. Kinky videos cover techniques from five star service to mouth soaping, from puppy play commands to abandonment issues for littles. I was particularly fascinated with skills that were new to me, like erotic hypnosis or mental preparation for interrogation play. This is also a great section to brush up on skills that may've gotten a bit rusty. I think their rope bondage workshops will be hugely helpful for me!

Advanced: This area has the least number of videos on it- something that I'm sure is changing all the time, as the month of December will see a new clip posted every day, two more than their usual 5 per week. I found videos on punching play, positions for double blow jobs, and cathartic play in this section

There are also videos that are available for free, including one by Maggie Mayhem on Consent Culture (yay!), ones on various medical information, introductions to various kinks, and some great ones on what to do (and not do) when dealing with law enforcement. The free resources also include intros to various toymaking companies and leather/kink spaces, offering a pretty well-rounded introduction into basic BDSM.

That's what projects this from just a good idea into a valuable resource and one to be supported, in my opinion- by offering free content on issues that are invaluable to the community, Kink Academy is giving back. It also offers potential subscribers a chance to get a feel for the quality and tone of the videos on the site, making it both a great way to reach out and a way to self-advertise. Pretty clever!

I wish this site had been available for me when I was discovering my boy's adult baby kink (and worrying about how to be a good caregiver) or figuring out whether it was better to have threesomes with friends or strangers. There was one that just came up about long distance relationships and ageplay, which made me giggle as I'm in that with my boy... and the clip was presented by my girlfriend. Hee!

I also want to say how awesome it is to see different gender identities, body types, and ethnicities presenting workshops on this site. Diversity is sexy, and it's great to see that yes, there is diversity in this scene, online at least.

I think this would be a huge help for anyone exploring kink, either on their own or with a partner. You could watch some videos together to help introduce a lover to your kink, for example, or you could watch a few videos yourself to help with your own navel-gazing. This site would also be awesome for people who aren't able to get to a major city to go to a workshop, and is a steal for the amount of information you get when you consider just one workshop is $20. $100 gets you a year's membership. That's over 100 workshops for the price of 5, ya know? And right now you can get 6 months for $45, which is $7.50 a month. That's the cost of a coffee nowadays. ;)

So get on over to Kink Academy and pack your brain full of information!

Kink Academy has a sister site, Passionate U, with non-kinky erotic education, if your tastes are more in that direction. Kink Academy has some video crossover with Passionate U, though each has a fair number of videos specific to their site as well.

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Review: Baconlube

Ok, ok, I know. The bacon thing is out of control. It's some crazy hipsterized meat candy meme now, and everyone's hopping on it. I get it.

But I have liked bacon all along- it's never been uncool, bacon, because it's delicious and goes with my other favourite things, like breakfast and avocados. Salty, crispy, and sometimes a little sweet or peppery, a quality bacon is a thing of beauty. Nom.

Additionally, I love novelty. If something looks, sounds, or tastes weird, I am all over that. I love to try new stuff- it's kind of my personal fetish.

So when I saw J&D's, makers of Bacon Salt and, my fave, Malt Salt, announce that they were actually making Baconlube (an April 1st prank) a reality, I was really pleased about it. Probably overly so. And I immediately contacted them about reviewing their product.

Much to my delight, they sent a sample my way! Just in time for Thanksgiving, too. What more should a girl be grateful for?

So the smell of this lube is smokey- no fancy flavours/scents here, this is original, off the griddle style bacon. It's not super strong, but it definitely has the scent of crispy salted pork products. I did appreciate the lack of chemical afterscents.

Then, the important bit- the flavour. It had that smokey bacon-y taste, but also a sweetness (due in part to it being a lube with glycerin in it) that, in my opinion, made the bacon a little too mild. It was something that wasn't too strong- I didn't feel like it had branded my tongue or anything- but strong enough to make it fun as a novelty for your Burning Man friends.

Now to talk about it in more professional, lubricant senses- it was nicely slippery and didn't get too tacky, though it's a water-based lube and therefore benefits from some refreshing during use. Water-based means it's safe to use with your silicone toys- however, do be aware that this lube has glycerin, and therefore may not be the best for people who have sensitivities to sugar.

See, I remember back when Baconlube was a fantasy made up for April 1st. From just a prank to a reality, you can see a video wherein they tested the flavour of this lube- an early forerunner to what I have in my hands. What I love about this video is the ring of people licking lube off their hands and commenting on the fact that maybe it's a bit bitter this time around. Hee! I'd love to interview the intern who had to taste test each batch- does he still eat bacon? One would guess not!

So while my guess is that no one will have this on their nightstand in a pump bottle (ok, except for those guys who like to be called "pig"), it's a fun and useable novelty that would make a great stocking stuffer for people. They will not be expecting it!

Oh yeah, and it's kosher. :)

Thank you J&D's for sending me a bottle of your Baconlube in exchange for an honest review!

And happy colonization day.

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Destress Your Holiday with Good Vibes

Everyone wants sex toys for the holidays, right? If not as presents, as ways to get through the stress-inducing madness of crowded stores, cranky drivers and, of course, avoiding "Little Drummer Boy". After tomorrow's feasting and family, a couple of good solid orgasms are enough to blow off some steam and let you get back to your life relatively calm.

Well, you're in luck- Good Vibes is having a couple of excellent holiday sales, including a Friends and Family sale (20% off everything + free ground shipping for orders over $65) that goes til the 27th of November. Then on Cyber Monday, there'll be special one day deals that you'll want to check out for sure.

All I ask is that if you're in the market for some new erotic material, that you consider getting them via the links here, so I can get a kickback for being an affiliate *winkwink*.

"Oh," I hear you say, "I don't know, I have the sex toys I could ever need."

Are you sure? Have you seen the rainbow latex kit? Flirty feather cuffs? Holiday lickable massage oils in flavours like hot apple cider or sugar cookie? How about the AMAZING ROCKET TOY, pictured in this post?

Or if none of those things appeal, there's gift guides a-plenty to explore. The "Stay Home for the Holidays" kit is excellent for a couple who wants to get a little mischievous, or the "Naughty is So Nice" kit for someone who wants to try being blindfolded under the mistletoe. All the kits offer a decent savings, making them perfect for filling up a stocking.

And I haven't even gotten to the hot, female-friendly porn.

All the sex toys you could ever need?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

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Get Stuffed! Holidays and the Politics of Body Image

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, with its brined turkey and fluffy stuffing, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce in a can. My mum's a brilliant cook and a foodie, so the boy and I got treated to Thanksgiving early, and then yesterday I had second Thanksgiving with a couple of friends. And then, Thanksgiving proper, tomorrow, where I'm looking forward to discovering how pomegranate lamb tastes, personally.

Oh, it's not just about the delights of a huge spread of food, mind. It's also about family, of course, with the joys and/or absolute horror that comes from any family gathering. There's often a lot of pressure involved with family gatherings (my British readers may have similar feelings about the 3-day Christmas)- for some families, it's the only time they all get together, so it's the perfect opportunity to get all the passive aggressiveness in for the year!

It's the time of year where I think a lot about our relationship to self-esteem, bodies, and food. Looking at my facebook wall for the last two days I have at least ten female friends actively upset right now about how they look. These are not women who read Cosmo, and they're women who identify as feminists- and yet, I see comments about how naughty it is to eat cookies or how they mourn not being able to afford surgery. I would be delighted if I never heard the phrase "guilty pleasure" or "oh, I shouldn't" again, and I'm not alone:

Talking about guilty pleasures does nothing but a) take the fun out of said pleasure, thereby inherently rendering it no longer pleasurable, and b) attach a crazy amount of emotion to food, where we should be working, somewhat, towards a world where food is food, not a measurable way to determine whether we are inherently good people.

I know that if I was to say something fat-shaming, these women would rally around me and tell me how gorgeous I am, how I shouldn't cave into body fascism- but why do they all hold themselves to a different standard? Even more frustrating is how even among them, there are cries of "oh, you're not fat!" or "have you lost weight?" I do not find the question of whether I have lost weight or not to be flattering in any way. If you want to compliment me, say I look good, not that I look thinner.

Here's the thing- when I look at my friends twitter feed or facebook walls and they're being down on their bodies, it makes me feel anxious and body-conscious too. Sure, I know it's a personal relationship between them and their bodies, but it also has a reinforcing impact outside of them- it reminds me (and others) that there is a body standard and that I, too, don't fit it. I wonder if I ought to be more upset about it. I start to worry. I start to look in the mirror and pinch my fat too. It's contagious. And that makes me sad, to realize that the media has done such a good job of making sure we police each other.

The main, most consistent reason I get down on my body is not because I'm fat. It's because of how hard it is to dress myself. Seriously, it's the only thing that depresses me, and it's part of why I'm happier in the UK- I can dress myself for the same cost as slender women, and mostly in the same sexy styles. I don't have to go to special shops for fat girls. I don't have to order cute bras to fit my breasts online. I can stay up to date with fashion, in the UK. Not so in the US. I mean, yeah, you see "plus size" models here and there, but they're under considerable pressure to be the right kind of fat girl- ultra feminine, hourglass figured, fat only in the right places.

This isn't just about a desire to be a consumerist, though. No, this is about wanting to be seen as worth marketing sexy clothes to. In the US, fat girls are not sexy, so why would they need sexy underwear that fits well? I just reviewed two pieces of lingerie that were plus sized, and they fit pretty poorly, not supporting my breasts at all- but who cares, right, cause why make lingerie that fits well for fat girls when no one's looking? I mean, the dress you see here (and a few of my dresses) are from the seventies- a time period that actually fits my curves well.

But people ARE looking. Sure, patriarcal media (who fucks guys over too, never mind trans people, btw, and has a record making willowy women feel shitty) wants to persuade you that you'll be forever alone if you aren't the current fad- trim, pale-skinned, straighthaired and smooth (and please notice how racist/classist those standards are)- but that is fucking bullshit.

I found this article over at Sociological Images to be fascinating and really worthwhile:

In Reshaping the Female Body: The Dilemma of Cosmetic Surgery, Kathy Davis upended the common sense view that people undergo plastic surgery because they want to be beautiful or handsome. Instead, she found that most people sought cosmetic correction because they felt ugly or strange. They didn’t want to be great-looking, or even good-looking, they wanted to be normal, unremarkable, to blend in with the crowd.
(emphasis mine)

Check out this awesome post on BMI, which includes a project where people took photos of themselves and listed where their BMI places them. For the record, I have a BMI of 38- I am severely obese, almost morbidly so. Can't you tell?

Not that this is always true. I know multiple women who have breast implants, for example, and I find it equally problematic to assume that they decided to get breast implants because they hated their bodies. I approve of tattoos, piercings, and corseting, so other body mods are ok by me, as long as your reason for it is to accent a body you love rather than fix a body you hate.

I've been thinking a lot about this as it relates to feederism, actually. It's a fetish I didn't know or think much about until fairly recently- I've always joked that the boy was a feeder cause he loves to watch me enjoy good food and he loves larger ladies. And you know, there is a world of feederism that's not healthy, that's about making it so people can't move and are helpless. Yeah, that exists. There are unhealthy areas about every kink. But it says a lot to me about my own fears and discomfort with fat that the fact my boy loves my belly and enjoys me taking pleasure in food made me want to blow it off as "just a weird fetish". How awkward are we about food that liking a round belly or watching a lover savor a good meal means they must have a kink for it? I mean, hell, I love that my boy has a bit of a pudge. I like introducing him to tasty new things. Guess I must be a feeder too, then.

Anyway! That's another whole article. Back on track.

I'm issuing a challenge. And it'll be tough, particularly when family likes to poke and prod and comment on your body. But I'm challenging you to listen and take note of every time someone says something that suggests that slender = healthy and positive ("you look good! have you lost weight?") or that fat = guilty and shameful ("oh, couldn't have pie, got to watch my figure"). You don't have to call it out (though I will, FYI) but just listen. It should clear up how prominent these messages are, and make you think- do you really honestly want to look different to be healthier, or to feel less ugly?

Wanting to be and feel healthy is a good goal (and one possible with multiple body types). But it's equally important to understand that there's a difference between "yay I love eating veggies!" and "I ate a cookie and am now crying". Linking food with shame fosters an unhealthy relationship to it that is counterproductive anyway and encourages overindulgence or dieting to the point of self-abuse- ask any binger or anorexic.

I was asked if I didn't think that this post comes across as victim-blaming. Believe me, I understand all too well how easy it is to internalize these standards, and how hard it is to unroot them. However, fatphobia sits in the same place as transphobia, homophobia, sexism, cissexism, ableism, racism, classism- and if I hear things that don't sit right with me there, either, I'm not going to be quiet about it. Sure, I recognize that women saying misogynist shit are living in a world where they have internalized it- but I will challenge them to think about why they feel that way. Just as I expect my friends to call me out on my privilege and my own self-abusive behaviour. You don't have to be a bitch about it, you can point it out as a loving mirror... but without challenging these attitudes, how can we ever hope to change them?

So this holiday season, I beg you, please enjoy food and company... without the side serving of self-loathing. A happy person is a healthy (and sexy) person. As one of my twitter followers said-

"Your body is a small part of who Kitty Stryker is. Don't let anyone carve who you are into little pieces for their approval."

<3

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Review: Cherry Minx harness

Strap on harnesses are a thing of mine, but I've had a really hard time finding one that's both femme and comfortable on my body.

Being a fat girl means that harnesses often fit funny, cutting into my hips or the straps not being long enough (I recently had to turn down reviewing a harness because it didn't come in my size yet). I had resigned myself to butch harnesses that're often made more comfortable for big hips and round asses.

Until I came across Aslan Leather's Cherry Minx, that is, which is a beautiful polyfidelitous marriage of style, comfort and function! Yay! It's a gorgeous bright red colour, to start, and a buttery soft leather that feels amazing against my skin. I love leather- it's supple, it's warm, it moves with my body and it's form fitting. I've had leather harnesses before, but not like this- this feels like the softest suede without having the cleaning nightmares of suede. Perfect.

The O-ring is adjustable, which means you can switch it out to accommodate smaller or larger cocks than what it comes with, which is nice when, like me, you fuck size queens and nervous beginners alike. Also very cool is the inclusion of a double dildo cuff, making it possible to wear a butt plug or dildo inside yourself while you thrust into your lover. The cuff slides along the two straps that go between your legs to offer a bit of support for the end of the toy inside the wearer, making it streamlined and easy to use.


The back is corseted, and very sturdy, meaning you can tighten it without worry. I like that you can easily tighten it when it's on, which is nice and prevents straining to buckle it around the hips. I also like that this harness buckles, meaning that it is going to stay together no matter how hard you use it... always important! Mine adjusts from 30"-60" hips- sounds ridiculous, but I can believe it. I know it fits well around my 50" hips, at least!

I just got to wear this around the house, strutting in my petticoat, cock and harness (thank goodness Grandma wasn't home) but I can't wait to try it out on someone. It's a perfect hard femme harness- it looks tough and femme at the same time. It has d-rings in the back and rings in the front I can use to attach toys, which is cool. Basically, the Minx is my dream strap on harness.

Leather means that you have to clean it carefully, mind, so wipe it with a damp cloth and mild anti bacterial soap, and make sure it's dry before putting it away. You can also use a leather conditioner to keep it soft. Aslan's harnesses come with a lifetime guarantee for normal use, so if something breaks you can send it to them for repair or replacement. How sweet is that?

They also have the Minx in other colours and styles- I'm drooling over the silver and pink gem-encrusted Sophia St. James harness, personally!  If you're not into leather yourself, Aslan also makes some lovely vegan harnesses.

Thank you very much Aslan Leather for sending me the Cherry Minx in exchange for an honest review.

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Review: Best Bondage Erotica 2012

I'm a big reader of all sorts of smut, but often feel disappointed that so many books about kink have male dominants and female submissives. I mean, yay, glad that works out for some people, but that's not really my thing most of the time.

Imagine my joy upon picking up excellent editor Rachel Kramer Bussel's "Best Bondage Erotica 2012", a collection of stories that will leave you squirming in your seat if you like ropes, cuffs and chains. Particularly exciting for me was that so many of the stories would involve female dominants and male submissives! Also notable- sexy shirtless dude on the cover (sadly faceless, and along with an alt Domme in traditional Mistresswear, but still). There were other stories, with other combinations (including not only a F/f story, but a M/m, which was delightful and too rare), but there were more female dominant stories that I've usually encountered. And the stories were lovely, creative, and very sexy. I got some ideas while reading, which is always nice- it's fun to combine brainstorming with masturbating.

A couple of stories about self-bondage even inspired me to play around a little with my Hello Kitty duct tape!

My only pout came about that out of so many female dominant stories, only a couple involved penetrative sex, which is what I like with my boy. But small steps- seeing stories with female dominants mixed into a kink anthology, not just relegated to a Femdom anthology, was very pleasing, and the fact that not all the stories had the "I'm a dominant woman and your cock is useless to me" trope made me happy. I like fucking the hell out of my boy while he's held down or restrained and that's sexy to me. Maybe I should submit stories to these things?

Ultimately I think this is an excellent collection. You don't have to be into bondage to enjoy it- I'm not a bondage kinkster but I like a bit of it, and I found these to be sexy stories about power exchange generally. Whatever your orientation, you'll find something to excite your imagination! Thanks Rachel for sending me a copy to review- pick up your own copy at Cleis Press!

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Lighting Candles at Oakland's TDoR

The alter

Friday I went to the Trans Day of Remembrance event in Oakland, which was beautifully situated in Preservation Park.  It was, of course, an intense memorial, where the main event was the reading of the names of trans people who had died, often brutally, the year before.

Particularly painful was the need to add another name, as the night before a transgendered woman, Cassidy Porter, had been shot in Hollywood, California. She was from Fremont. In the article seeking the suspect, the headline loudly declares that she was a known prostitute, like that should even matter (I'll be writing on this later). This is why I attended on Friday, meeting with other members of SWOP- trans women and other CAMAB (coercively assigned male at birth, though this term is also considered problematic) individuals around the globe often go into sex work to support themselves and/or get the medical assistance they need. Many of the names were from Central and South America- most were from Brazil. Far too many died on the streets, often nameless and ageless. Reading the details on this list are horrific and triggering- the number of women who died brutally, their bodies burned and beaten beyond recognition, breaks my heart.

It's important, too, in my opinion, to notice that an overwhelming majority of the names on this list, this year and every year, are trans women. These women deal with violence and the threat of violence daily- not just physical, but systematic, as well. There's often not health care earmarked for trans people, and statistics from clinics often just refer to trans women as men who have sex with men, and trans men as lesbians. That sort of misrepresentation adds to the difficultly in getting proper funding for projects that seek to help trans women. That's just one example- there's unfortunately plenty others.

Reading of the names in Oakland

I've not talked a lot about this on my blog before, but my ex-husband was born female. He used to identify as trans, though I'm not sure if he does now- after transitioning he didn't really feel like he belonged in queer spaces anymore, as he identified primarily as a straight man. One thing that I used to get angry with him about was his political apathy- once he had gone through the system himself, he didn't really care about how to make it less of a struggle for others. Once he even said to me that he didn't understand why I hated the British National Party so much- a party that is basically a nice way of saying "neonazis". I was shocked that he would defend a group that would probably rather kill him that support his ability to get chest surgery on the NHS. It wasn't his problem anymore once he transitioned.

In a way, I get that. It's exhausting, caring. I saw over a year and a half how ready he was to deal with violence- he was a pub manager, often at troubled pubs where stabbings were just another Saturday night. Being out as trans was not always safe. But apathy is a luxury many trans people don't have- particularly trans women, even more so trans women of colour, and even more sex workers, as the 224 names on the list show. That's double the names this year compared to last. Double.

It's disheartening that the greatest number of POC I have seen at a queer event ever was at the Oakland TDoR. It makes me think hard about if the queer friendly and queer spaces I frequent are doing enough (or anything) to make it safe and comfortable for POC. Probably not.

I've been reflecting on this as it pertains to the word "tranny". I'll admit that I didn't always understand why it wasn't a word that was ok to use, and I educated myself quite a bit thanks to articles such as this one. Even Kelly Osbourne is educating herself, and good for her. But as I reflected on it, I realized that most of the people who were saying how the word "tranny" was ok to use were not, in fact, trans women. Trans women who are, as TDoR shows us, the most likely to end up stabbed to death in a field.

To anyone who wants to argue that people who aren’t trans women have a right to reclaim the word “tranny”, I have an exercise for you: do a Google image search for the word “tranny” and see how many pages in you have to go before you come across a trans guy or other CAFAB trans person. That page number is how many times I want you to go fuck yourself.
-Two Things to Remember When Discussing Transmysogyny

As much as my heart is weighed down by all this, it's also important to tap into the fierce joy that community can bring. There were songs to be sung, songs of anger and revolution and fighting back. If we spend too much time on the sorrow we may become too depressed to fight anymore, we'll just give up and curl up. Sometimes we have to dance, to laugh, to fuck and sing and make art. We'd go crazy otherwise.

I'm not a churchy person, but I want to leave off with a quote from one of the Reverends from the UU church around the corner, who were lovely and supportive of TDoR:

"We've all been too much, too little.

But tonight, we are enough.

Tonight? We are holy".

Light a candle, and remember.

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fuck this scarlet letter bullshit part 3: life outside of Hookerdom

Part of a series discussing whorephobia: Part 1, Part 2

I just came back from the Oakland Trans Day of Remembrance, which I plan to write more fully about tomorrow when I can devote my whole being to it. But listening to the names of 224 people who died, at least in part, because of transphobia, while coming out as a sex worker to talk about issues with health care and access, really made me feel sad and angry that people end up forced into the outskirts of society, where they end up at a much higher risk for violence both institutionalized and not.

Add fuel to the fire with the whole Sasha Grey reading to kids at a school thing, something I am fuming about. Sasha was a porn star for a few years, and a prolific one, certainly. I'm not a huge fan generally of her acting in "The Girlfriend Experience", and she's not my fave porn star or anything, but she was a sex worker and there's a certain sense of family with that.
See, look at her, READING TO KIDS, the harlot

So of course I was angry on her behalf when I hear that the school she volunteered her time at reading books to elementary school kids claimed she was never there. When photos prove, well, yeah, actually, she was, they said they had no idea who she was and they're now "investigating the incident". Incident? What incident? A woman read Dr. Seuss to some kids. What's the big deal? 

Then I look on my Tumblr to see these two posts:

I consider myself a very open minded person, but if I had a kid and I found out after the fact that Sasha Grey had read books to his/her class, I’m not sure how I would process that. Perhaps I’d need some Chlorox surface wipes, at least.

and

Not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed that I had no idea who Sasha Grey is, but yeah - I didn’t. So I googl’d ‘er.
And yeah…I don’t think I would want the person reading stories to my kid to have won the following awards:
“Best Three Way Sex Scene”
“Best Group Scene” (They mean ‘orgy’, y’all)
“Best Oral Sex Scene”
Not that there’s anything necessarily wrong with working in porn, I just wouldn’t want my daughter to come home talking about this ‘nice lady’ who read them books, only to later come to me asking, “what’s an orgy?”
Planning on saving that talk for 9th grade…

Ok, seriously, how much whorephobia can you pile in there? Sex workers are all diseased, of course (despite constant, consistent proof to the contrary... and I'm talking real studies/stats, not this unprovable bullshit) and we talk about nothing but sex, all the time, to everyone and anyone, regardless of whether it's appropriate or not. Once a sex worker, after all, you're tainted for life, right? I bet Sasha read it as "One Fish Two Fish MASSIVE FISH ORGY". I mean, I know I'm always looking to corrupt the kiddies with my nymphomaniac ways.

Oh, wait, no, I'm not a coach. Why aren't people flipping out about sports being a corrupting influence?

There were a bunch of people who responded calling these two people out, of course. But as I reflect on Trans Day of Remembrance, and get ready to work on the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers,  it really hits me hard how attitudes like the ones shown above add to a culture that sees sex workers and people in adult industries as less human.

That's what puts us at risk. Not some random person. Me. Friends of mine. Probably, friends of yours, who know it's not safe to come out as being sex workers so they haven't, not even to you. Same with transgender violence.

That's why we need to speak out. That's why we need to show up and stand up. Not just me. Not just sex workers. Not just trans people. Allies. Relatives. Friends. Coworkers. Because every time to hear someone misuse pronouns and you don't speak up, you're enabling entitlement culture that makes being trans dangerous. Every time you hear someone laugh at a dead hooker joke and you don't say "actually, that's fucked up", you're encouraging a culture that thinks my death is hilarious.

And I am really fucking pissed off about that.

You should be too.