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Guest Post: The Pink and Blue Divide

Image from Gawker's article on gendered advertising



Just in time for the holiday season, Jill over at Lady Laid Bare has guest posted for Purrversatility on the issues of gendering and toys! It's something I think a lot about, as someone who was equally brought up with My Little Pony as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I respect parents who try to fight the tide, but damn, it's tough! @genderdiary is another good account to follow on Twitter for some day to day experiences on just that. 

From Sociological Images, discussing
boy vs girl toys in kids meals

I identify as a lot of things. Writer, sex blogger, queer/bisexual and foodie are amongst them. But I’m also a woman. And in my life, I’ve come across lots of statements about women, and gender in general, that have pissed me off to no end. But actually standing up to those people who made the statements has proven hard for me.

So when Ms Kitty Stryker asked me (after I quite brazenly asked her) to do a guest post on this site, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to talk about. I touched on this subject in a recent blog post of mine.
The thing that irks me the most is something that becomes blatantly visible during the holiday season. You can call it “the pink and blue divide”.

Pink is girly, fluffy and princess. So, in the toy catalogues that inevitably hit my doorstep this time of year, girls have their own section of girly, fluffy and princess toys. These include baby dolls, play kitchens and craftsy things (“Make your own bracelets” comes to mind).

Blue, meanwhile, is manly, tough and gritty. Hence the toys in the boys section. Anything goes there. Cars, videogames, action figures… anything fit for the man.

It also seems that this divide is there to remind us how to treat our children. Girls are delicate, need to be handled carefully like the future princesses we want them to be. We don’t let them play with boys, because boys are callous and hard and grrrr. We treat them like that too, because boys need to be toughened up for the big bad world out there.

We fit the toys according to this way of thinking too. It seems that girls are not allowed to play with Tonka trucks and similar things. It might change them, make them into tomboys, and god forbid that happens.
And boys, oh boys are definitely not allowed to play with dolls and dress up as princesses. This is for an even more insane reasoning, because… what if it “makes them gay” and stuff? Because according to them, gay means bad things. Gossip, exclusion from the community and every single horrible thing you can imagine.

Sadly, this is the way we reason.

It hurts me to think that we’re conditioning our children to stick to the norms of their gender so early on in life. Because I thought this whole thing of “girls in the kitchen, boys at work” had been thrown out the window together with the start of feminism.

I can see the difference between growing up now, and back in the nineties when I was just a wee nipper. The crooked stares I got for hanging out with the boys because they loved Pokemon as much as me were killer. As a girl, you weren’t supposed to like Pokemon, except for the pretty ones. The “girl” ones, like Jigglypuff and Chansey. Actually playing the game, whether trading card or Gameboy… no, that wasn’t for girls. Girls were supposed to read teen magazines, and fawn over hunks. Not spend ridiculous amounts of money on a rare Japanese Pokemon card like I once did.

It changed countless times over the years, and I stayed on the cusp of tomboy/girl, balancing both hanging with the lads and drooling over the likes of Orlando Bloom. I’m happy to see change. I hope my nieces and nephews will grow up to be strong adults, who can form their own opinions, aside from what the media makes them think.

Because the media is powerful.

A major example of this takes place on my television every day. I can go on for hours about shows like America’s Next Top Model and how they take the utter piss out of everything women stand for; I’ll leave that for another blog. But every time the idea that women only like shopping and shoes is re-enforced in such shows, I find myself crying obscenities at my television.

Sex and The City is a prime example of this- I hate it when, in a world of truly brilliant sexual educators like Tristan Taormino and Courtney Trouble, the only one singled out for example is the very fictional character of Carrie Bradshaw.

But that’s a story for another day.

Today, the news hit that Hamleys (the famous London toy shop) will end the separation of girls and boys toys, thanks to the campaign of one blogger.

I hope that this is a step in the right direction.

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Kitty Stryker vs The World: Round 1- Facebook (Kitty Wins!)

I woke up this morning feeling a little under the weather. Burned out, you might say, on holiday events, balancing a new job with the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, which I'm stage managing. As much as I love doing a lot, and volunteering for things, sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. I was pondering this as I went to log onto my Facebook account so I could do some promo for the upcoming event on Dec 17.

I couldn't log in.

Facebook, apparently, got a report about my profile carrying "sexually suggestive material", and decided I couldn't have it anymore. Suggestive like the Suicide Girls fan page? Or Playboy? No, more along the lines of two clothed men kissing- while a page devoted to saying how rape/violent jokes are awesome and calling people faggots? Totally ok.

Sure, I'm a sex worker rights activist and sex blogger who, granted, posts a lot about sexuality. However, I only post PG appropriate content on FB- I link to my blog, where people can read NSFW material like sex toy reviews, as do many other sex bloggers. I do not post nudity or porn on my profile, though I might write about it. It seems fairly clear that Facebook has double standards about male behaviour and female behaviour when it comes to being "sexually suggestive". Additionally, when reading their TOS, the verbage used is "pornographic, obscene, or explicit". I've asked Facebook to define this for me so that I know where, exactly, that line is, because if I've crossed it, everyone I know is partying on the other side of that line.

Except? I don't think they know where it is themselves.

I decided to investigate further- how about "It's not ok to kill a hooker...even though they are already dead inside", or "Waking up to a dead hooker in your trunk", or "Diff between an onion and a dead hooker? I cried when i cut up the onion"? "Stop the Islamization of America"? The British National Party (a nice word for suited neo-nazis)? Those are apparently acceptable somehow in the TOS, but this here blog? OBSCENE.

I tweeted a while back about getting rape-y messages from men who had their cocks as their profile photos on Facebook. This is something that's been a fairly consistent issue. But that, too, is apparently ok. What's not ok? The social media for some (not all, or even most) adult companies. Sex educators. Breastfeeding.

What do I suspect was the thing that got me banned? A video about the Guinness Book of World Records attempt for the largest number of naked Santas- a video painstakingly edited to not show even a nipple. Well, a woman's nipple, at least, cause men's nipples are, well, DIFFERENT. Amusingly, that event had... yes, you guessed it. A Facebook page. And yet the next day my account is disabled.

There wasn't a warning about any content, by the way. No warning. I just got this:

Your account has been disabled for violating the Facebook Terms. Facebook disables users who:
• Upload content that is sexually suggestive or contains nudity
• Send messages containing sexually explicit language
• Send friend requests or messages to strangers

So no talking dirty, kids. Don't flash your ankles or talk to strangers, particularly if female or trans! Cause that's naughty.

Facebook's been slammed for this sort of thing a lot- recently, there was an accusation that they disabled Lydia Cacho Ribeiro's account because she said FB wasn't doing enough to fight against paedophiles, for example, though they denied it:

Further, the company said, “It’s incorrect to assume that in every case where a person’s account is disabled, or a piece of content is removed, it’s because of the nature of the content itself. There are a few types of content that we don’t allow, such as nudity and pornography, hate speech and threats of real physical violence, but sensitive topics are not against our policies. When we take action on an account or piece of content, it’s nearly always for one of the following two reasons: The content or behavior associated with the account was reported to us by people on Facebook, and we reviewed it and determined that it violated our community standards. [Or] it was flagged by one of our automated systems for preventing spam and other annoying behavior. Examples of behavior that might be flagged include having a high percentage of friend requests ignored or marked as spam, or sending lots of friend requests or messages to members of the opposite sex who are not your friends.”

I've appealed the decision. I'm obviously livid. I am totally burned out thanks to battling this kind of bullshit every day and another dose of it has pushed me over the edge. It just kills me that the week before the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, Facebook demonstrates the time-honoured institutionalized violence of silencing voices. Sexual voices, ones that aren't passive, feminine and objectified, but are active in their agency, voices that holler back, voices that speak up.

There is a group (on FB, natch) specifically against deleting adult entertainers Facebook accounts. Also, feel free to give them a piece of your mind by tweeting them @facebook, or emailing them: abuse@facebook.com. Let them know what you think about the way they handle "community standards".

UPDATE:

My Facebook profile has been reinstated. It was pulled because of an inappropriate photo- this photo, to be exact, not that they told me. I worked it out because they pulled it from the page for this blog.

I want to underline that I see men's cocks on this site every week.

Also, a group called "Honking ugly chicks to give them a boost becasue you're a fucking top guy", just as an example? Lots of sideboob there. But it's to advertise shit, so, you know, that's totally different.

Gotta love the "but my sexual objectification is a public service making women I think are ugly feel better about themselves!" justification.

Glad it got resolved quickly, at least.

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Courtney Trouble's Live Sex Show!

I've enjoyed Courtney Trouble's work for years, from way back in the beginnings of NoFauxxx.com, so when I heard she was looking for people to review her newest video, "Live Sex Show" (keep reading, she's screening it today in SF and it's gonna be a PAR-TAY), I jumped on the chance!

What makes this porn really fun is that it was shot in front of  live studio audience at the Center for Sex and Culture's Masturbate-a-thon last year, and it's neat when you get a sense of the crowd there. The first scene, for example, involves a striptease, with people stomping a beat, which I enjoyed. Or after scenes, people clap and cheer, which just made me smile watching it- I think I fell in love with the SF community a little more watching this and thinking "man, this is what life is just LIKE here!"

Also really fabulous- uncircumcised cock (my favourite) sexy bodies of different types (though all fairly alternative, with tattoos, piercings, and/or brightly coloured hair), hairy armpits, spankings, queerness mixed with the straightness (though no boy on boy- maybe next time?), sexy clothes that weren't standard porn clothes- yum! The chemistry between the couples is just so incredibly hot- you can feel the energy between them.

I got really turned on watching one performer getting her clit sucked while being fingerfucked... it rang true that this was sex on camera, rather than superperformative porn sex, which I liked. Nina and Jiz talked to the audience, too, which I loved, that playful sweet interaction between each other and the crowd. Sexy safer sex. Fisting (oh so hot). 5-on-1 queer gangbang goodness. And lots of kissing. Yay for lots of kissing.

But you don't have to trust me, if you're in SF! Go check it out for yourself tonight! And if you're not, get a piece of the action from Courtney Trouble's store. It's well worth it.

Live Sex Show Grand Premiere Screening and Release Party

Sun, December 11, 7:30pm – 10:30pm

Center for Sex and Culture

Buy Your Tickets Now! $8-25.00, sliding scale, full benefit for Center for Sex and Culture

Come join the stars of the film and other Bay Area porn elite to watch Courtney Trouble's LIVE SEX SHOW for the first time ever on the big screen! A benefit for the Center for Sex and Culture.

Starring Nina Hartley, Jiz Lee, April Flores, Tina Horn, Jolene Parton, Kimberlee Cline, and Roger Wood.

In attendance, director Courtney Trouble and stars from the film will be there to watch you watch them, sign autographs, and answer any questions you may have about this sexy film!
Doors at 7:30, Movie starts at 8pm Sharp! Door entry will be cheap sliding scale, and ALL PROCEEDS GO TO THE CENTER FOR SEX AND CULTURE.

Calling all you pervy voyeurs, this porn is for you!! From award winning porn director Courtney Trouble, LIVE SEX SHOW was shot in front of a WILD, HORNY, & WET live audience of 200 people at 2010’s San Francisco’s Masturbate-a-Thon, hosted by Carol Queen.

Starring Nina Hartley and Jiz Lee in a flirty yet FILTHY FINGER FUCKING scene, April Flores and the Matador in a dramatic COCK-SLURPING, PUSSY-POUNDING love story, Tina Horn getting KINKY AND ROUGH, Kimberlee Cline GETTING OFF HARD, Jolene Parton GETTING FUCKED, and Ms. TROUBLE herself in a climactic surprise 5-on-1 ALL STAR GANG BANG!

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Pleasurists #159

16 by SlevinAaron

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days.  If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 158?  Read it all here.  Do you have a review for Pleasurists 160? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday December 11th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Want a shiny new toy?  All you’ve got to do is enter.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

Dildos

Anal Toys

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books/Games

Adult DVDs & Porn

Lingerie

Miscellaneous

Pleasurists adult product review round-up

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The Thin Privilege Checklist

Thanks to Courtney Trouble, Bitch Please, and tumblr generally, I came across the Thin Privilege Checklist, cited like so:

Thin Privilege Checklist
  • I can be sure that people aren’t embarrassed to be seen with me because of the size of my body.
  • If I pick up a magazine or watch T.V. I will see bodies that look like mine that aren’t being lampooned, desexualized, or used to signify laziness, ignorance, or lack of self-control.
  • When I talk about the size of my body I can be certain that few other people will hope they are never the same size.
  • I do not have to be afraid that when I talk to my friends or family they will mention the size of my body in a critical manner, or suggest unsolicited diet products and exercise programs.
  • I will not be accused of being emotionally troubled or in psychological denial because of the size of my body.
  • I can go home from meetings, classes, and conversations and not feel excluded, fearful, attacked, isolated, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped, or feared because of the size of my body.
  • I never have to speak for size acceptance as a movement. My thoughts about my body can be my own with no need for political alliance relative to size.
  • I can be sure that when I go to a class, or movie, or restaurant that I will find a place to sit in which I am relatively comfortable.
  • I don’t have to worry that if I am talking about feeling of sexual attraction people are repelled or disgusted by the size of my body. People can imagine me in sexual circumstances.
  • People won’t ask me why I don’t change the size of my body.
  • My masculinity or femininity will not be challenged because of the size of my body.
  • I can be sure that if I need medical or legal help my size will not work against me.
  • I am not identified by the size of my body.
  • I can walk in public with my significant other and not have people double take or stare.
  • I can go for months without thinking about or being spoken to about the size of my body.
  • I am not grouped because of the size of my body.
  • I will never have to sit quietly and listen while other people talk about the ways in which they avoid being my size.
  • I don’t have to worry that won’t be hired for a job that I can do because of the size of my body.

When I saw this, I had an immediate "hm". I like the idea of this, but I think that women who are really slender get a lot of shit too- actually, I don’t think, I know
Ones I contest:

-I do not have to be afraid that when I talk to my friends or family they will mention the size of my body in a critical manner.

-I will not be accused of being emotionally troubled or in psychological denial because of the size of my body.

-I don’t have to worry that if I am talking about feeling of sexual attraction people are repelled or disgusted by the size of my body. People can imagine me in sexual circumstances.

-My masculinity or femininity will not be challenged because of the size of my body.

-I can go for months without thinking about or being spoken to about the size of my body.

I had a girlfriend once who was naturally very slender. People would say that they liked women who were “real women”- ones who had curves, like me, not small-breasted and narrow-hipped, like her. I would hear people say loudly how they couldn’t imagine sex with a skinny girl, they were all bones. People would be very concerned that she didn’t eat enough or not a balanced diet. I watched her feel crushed under the weight of people worrying that she’d never be able to bear a child, watched her self-esteem waver when people scornfully said how slender women were too boyish for them. And the people who spoke with the most vitriol were often women who considered themselves feminists.

Now, to be fair, I looked at the original source, which says (unedited):

Every year on Gay Pride weekend I like to this article based on the work that Peggy Mc Intosh did on white privilege. For a variety of reasons I thought about it today. I'd like to read something like it from my average sized friends. I'm not really the person to write it. But I know that for many of my averaged sized friends the idea of fat as a political identity is new. So I'm just going to write what I wish I could read.
Everyday as an average sized person ...

I'm glad the original recognizes that this is about what's seen as the average or perhaps the ideal body, vs just thin people.

And I realized… this isn’t just a fat vs thin privilege thing, for the most part (though I won’t argue that there’s institutionalized privilege about “healthy” weights vs “unhealthy”). 
This is about the way society allows and encourages us to blatantly and unapologetically make catty comments and objectify bodies, usually female-appearing bodies, and often under the guise of “I’m just concerned”. 

FUCK THAT.

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Versatile Bloggers Award

So there's this thing that's been quietly passing along from blog to blog, called the Versatile Blogger Award. Being awarded one by the lovely Pandora Blake (whose spanking/politics blog you should check out, btw) suggests that people really like what it is that you do, and there's nothing like the praise of one's peers to brighten up what had been a day full of stress!

But these awards have Rules, don't you know, and these are the rules of this one. I have to share seven things about myself; pass this award along to 15 blogs I enjoy reading; and contact my chosen bloggers to let them know. Easy peasy, right?

Well, first, I guess I should share 7 things about myself...

-I still get freaked out about things under my bed sometimes. I worry about having my toes outside the blankets, too- like something's going to bite me!

-I know how to blacksmith. My dad taught me, and I really enjoyed it, but haven't done it in a while.

-I had my first published piece in a book when I was 12. It was in the book of my grandma's employer, who was a power lesbian and motivational speaker. The piece published was a call to arms for women to stand up for themselves and their agency.

-I have a brown belt with two black stripes in Okinawan style karate. It was the after school activity I was the most committed to- I took up the bo as my weapon of choice.

-I used to troll on cybersex forums, particularly kinky ones, as a 40 year old man in stained sweatpants... when I was about 14.

-I was a part of an MIT student's thesis about how MOOs(MUD, object oriented) could act as social and educational spaces online. If you check it out, I'm Storm. :)

-In spite of it being ridiculous and not true, I have a really hard time not treating my stuffed animals like they have souls. I used to struggle to decide which stuffed animals deserved to sleep on my bed with me, so I let most of them sleep on the bed and I slept on the floor. I still can't give them to goodwill- it seems cruel.

And now, 15 bloggers I recommend you check out:

1. Maggie Mayhem- she's like sexy political porn dynamite. Read her to be stimulated in the brain and in your nethers.

2. Ms. Slide- a London-based proDomme who writes a lot about female dominance, politics, and other interesting bits and pieces, including fun vintage images.

3. Post Modern Sleaze- she writes about nonmonogamy, sex/gender, being dominant and feminism. She often leaves me reflecting about my own relationship to the world.

4. Mollena- as a female dominant who enjoys submissives, Mollena's blog has given me a good look on the other side of the leash. She's often hilarious, right on, and remarkably vulnerable.

5. Rarely Wears Lipstick- feminism, style, and sex interconnect on this blog by BitchBuzz's sex and relationships columnist. Her blogs on vintage lingerie/looks are fabulous.

6. One Hot Crumpet- this is a relatively new blog, but has some interesting insights, reviews, and explorations of kink, sex and nonmonogamy. Worth checking out.

7. Sugarbutch- swoon swoon swoon. This blog gives me a window into the heart and mind of one sexy sexy butch, and the writing often brings tears to my eyes, it's that good.

8. Rachel Rabbit White- I really like the things she discusses in her blog, which end up being good starting places for some of my thoughts- so she's kind of my muse, in a way. Is that creepy?

9. Pervocracy- oh my god, I refer to this blog all the time. It's BRILLIANT. It covers a lot of issues about the intersections of sex, BDSM and feminism. Everything in it is spot on. I could say more, but I'd just be gushing.

10. Jiz Lee- I mean, Jiz is amazing, but their blog is also a really good place to keep up to date on interesting things going on in the adult industry, and Karma Pervs is fantastic.

11. Charlie Glickman- Charlie writes some great stuff on a variety of topics ranging from pegging to the objectification of the male body.

12. Tits and Sass- a sex worker blog that covers different areas of the industry and is both humanizing and politically pointed. Definitely a good one to keep an eye on.

13. The Beautiful Kind- there's so much good information on this site I don't know where to start! Expect sex toy reviews, advice,

14. Unspeakable Axe- I'm new to this blog, but so far I really like it. The blogosphere is pretty female-heavy, and it's nice to hear male voices, particularly submissive ones.

15. Pandora Blake- whose fault it is that I'm writing this post! At first I thought "oh, another female submissive spanking blog", but man, I'm glad I read more. She's one hell of a writer. Also, many sexy photos.

I just have to quote Kendra from The Beautiful Kind, because this made me laugh-

Remember back in the day when I used to blog five times a week and wrote so much about my intense sex life with Beast, aka Matthew, that people actually complained about it? They got sick of all the facefucking and hole invading, can you believe it? And by "they," I mean one guy who bitched about it, and he stopped reading the blog. Problem solved.

(Speaking of, if you ever encounter someone who tries to shit talk what you do, the best course of action is to quickly assume that THEY ARE JUST JEALOUS. Jealousy is resenting someone else's good time. Don't devote energy to haters. Don't let them distract you from your positive mission.)"

At some point I'll have to tell all these people I gave them this award. Most will likely respond with "and who are you?" ;)

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Video: The Sex Police

I did an interview earlier this week on the impact the policing of sex has on sex work and people with disabilities for the excellent London-based group Mutiny. They did an event as a part of their series, "_____ on Trial", which in this case was Sex on Trial, something I was incredibly interested in (of course). Sadly as I'm in Oakland I was unable to go in person, but thanks to technology, I was able to attend as a 6' tall head on a screen. :)

The section I was interviewed for was called "Sex Police", which raised other excellent questions- "What counts as ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ sex? Who decides this? How is it regulated? What happens if one is outside these boundaries?" You can check out other videos and discussions from Sex on Trial here, and I recommend you do so- it's always thought provoking!

I believe quite strongly that the policing of sex happens on multiple levels, and the impact, therefore, can be seen everywhere:

You have a government deciding what is acceptable practice in public and in private, you have schools deciding what is appropriate to teach and what is not appropriate to teach. You have society deciding what sort of sexual practices are acceptable to promote or to encourage or to advertise and which ones are not… and of course we police each other [via] cultural biases.

The full video is below- enjoy!

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Review: the BodyWand

Seattle's Babeland twitter account said a few days back that they had a toy stronger than the famous, loved-the-world-over hitachi.

I scoffed. I said "there's no way." I've heard lots of people claim that toys are stronger that the hitachi, but when it comes down to it, they just don't measure up.

I take it back.

Babeland sent me the BodyWand to try it out, as I needed to feel for myself this miracle toy that beats out my old favourite. And it really does beat the hitachi, at least for me. I was shocked.

Like the hitachi, it plugs into the wall, and has a reasonably long cord making it pretty easy to use in bed. And like the hitachi, it's very, very strong- this is a powerful vibrator for those who like a jackhammer style vibration against their bits. The head of the BodyWand is about the same size as the hitachi, as well, so you can use all the same attachments with this as you have for your wand- I'm excited to try a few out, like the G-Whiz.

But there's two special things about the BodyWand versus the hitachi, that make it unique.

First, it's definitely quieter than the hitachi, which is fabulous. I used to worry that using my vibrator was going to wake the whole house, if not the neighborhood. I mean, it sounds like a power tool! The BodyWand, on the other hand, has a pleasant hum that's a lot more subtle.

Secondly, it has a dial. A dial! Genius. The hitachi has the wand controller, sure, where you can change the low/high setting into a variable one, but the BodyWand has that built in, making it easy to slowly ramp up the power as you go. Perfect! And I certainly felt like the hitachi was just a little less strong than the BodyWand...

I think I'm in love.

Finally, rather than vinyl, like the hitachi, the BodyWand is made of silicone and ABS plastic, making it more durable. I think you might find that your loyalties have switched over too!

Thank you Babeland for giving me a chance to fall in love and lust with the BodyWand- I will never doubt again!

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Sex? It's Not Like Pizza.


You know that phrase "sex is like pizza, even bad pizza is pizza"?

It's not true. Sorry. Or if you think it is, you need to remember that sometimes pizza gives you food poisoning. It can, in fact, be pretty bad.

Bad sex is a real thing that exists- and sometimes it's just a chemistry issue, while other times, it's a lack of training. Personally, I have always found it easy to enjoy sex on a purely physical level without feeling any emotional connection to my partner (unless that's something we're pursuing)- so perhaps I find it easier to step back and say "this sex was good" and "this sex was bad" based on some clear personal guidelines.

There's plenty of suggestions on what TO do (like this one, though I'm frustrated with the "no one wants to be fucked like a prostitute" tone and the "all women are sluts" thing... um, no) but not a lot on what to avoid doing. For me, there's more things that work for me than things that don't, but of course this varies from person to person. I can only really speak for my own experience, such as it is.

So here, let me help y'all out- here's a brief list of things that make guys bad in bed, at least bad in my bed (and yes, you'll sleep on the floor). To make it a little more helpful, I tell you after each bad tip what you should be doing instead to be a better lover. I'm writing this from me to dudes because I've had a lot of bad sex with dudes (and, sadly, mostly ones who weren't clients) and I have a lot of experience with guys asking me how they can be a better sexual partner.

Without further ado- How to be Bad in Bed, Dudes (and how to do it right):

This is just sad.

Give Up On Grooming


And no, I don't just mean the basics. I assume you know to have brushed your teeth, chew some gum, wash your face, ask if your partner has a chemical sensitivity before drowning yourself in cologne. But there's also things you can/should consider- taming your pubic hair, for example. And have some baby wipes around for a quick pre-fucking wipedown- it tastes a little nasty, yes, but it won't leave toilet paper scraps (SQUICK) and it will ensure you look tidy.

Also? Wear sexy underwear, guys. Not novelty underwear (though some comic book ones are pretty sweet, whatever critics say) and not necessarily stripper ones (though I like 'em) but something that's classy. Nice underwear will also make your ass and cock look awesome, so it's in your best interest.


Make Assumptions 


I know you've read a lot and watched a lot of porn. That's great. But don't assume that because so-and-so raves about cunnilingus that it's going to make me orgasm, or that because this porn shows a woman really loving her head being grabbed during oral sex that I'm all for that. Ask me. And ask everyone else you ever have sex with. You can move slowly, and start gently, and growl in someone's ear "you like what I'm doing to you?"- and pay attention. If there's a hesitation, or a no, then you should move along to something else. No big deal- but being able to read body language and subtlety can make or break an encounter.

In addition, don't make assumptions about what I won't like- this article in the Frisky, entitled "4 Sex Acts Guys Think They’d Enjoy (But Won’t)" is full of bullshit. They list threesomes (FFM, of course, ignoring other possibilities), sex in public, tittyfucking (mysteriously called "sex with boobs"), and anal sex as things guys (and, often, their partners) won't actually enjoy. The boy and I are proof positive that those things are really dumb assumptions.

This is not the way to tell
your lover about your
bondage kink.

Rush Your Kink


This is a major one. I can't count the number of lovers I've had who are so happy to meet a girl who is GGG (good, giving and game) that they hurtle out of the closet with all of their kit and demand/beg to do the most extreme fantasy in their head relating to that kink. That will overwhelm anyone, including me. Yes, I'm a sex worker. Yes, it's unlikely I will recoil and go "oh no fucking way" simply because of your fetish for, say, roleplayed cannibalism. But if I come home one day and out of nowhere you're trussed up like a Christmas ham, covered in pineapple, with a set table, and your first sentence to me is "I have this really weird kink and I know you're probably not into it but I hope you are but if you're not that's ok I just really want you to eat me", I'm probably going to need to go outside for a cigarette and to sort my head out. Because that's a really intense way to introduce someone to your fantasies.

Go slowly, start small (say, a little bit of biting during sex maybe) and work your way up. Make it sexy for me, too- try to blend your interests with mine. And for god's sake make an effort to satisfy my kinks too- if you want me to be eager about your fetishes, mirror that with mine!


Forget Foreplay


Foreplay is one of those things that I swear people are told all the time is important and yet all the time it's rushed through or pushed aside for the "main event", which tends to mean Penis-In-Vagina sex. And sometimes, quickies are hot. But foreplay is often really important for enjoyable sex; not just because it feels nice to take your time, but also because it gives my body time to warm up, my pussy to get wet, my clit to begin to swell. Without that foreplay step, I have often ended up faking an orgasm, because while sure, lube can be used to make me wet, I'm not aroused enough yet to really enjoy myself, and I end up in my head worrying that it's taking me too long to get turned on. I'm like an old car- I need time to warm up.

I have a small clitoris, so it might be hard to see it get erect- but being patient and working me up til I beg you to make me orgasm with your fingers, toy or cock will result in a fabulous orgasm, not least because if I don't feel rushed I can relax and be really present in my body.

Have Sex At Me Instead of With Me


Yes, I'm aware that when it comes to the functionality of penetrating my orifices with your appendages, you are probably able to manage it. Good for you! Unfortunately, that isn't really fulfilling for me. I like to feel engaged with- look me in the eyes, talk dirty or talk sweet, nuzzle my neck, kiss me, lick my nipples and stroke my skin. And I'll do the same back, running my hands over you while you fuck me. Isn't it much nicer when we're interacting, not just going through the motions without any connection? Even when I do sex work, I don't want to feel like a mannequin (well, ok, unless we're roleplaying that)- I'm a person, and we're doing something intimate, so please act like that and not like my vagina is a glory hole?

Focus Too Much On My Orgasm


I'm really really glad that you want me to have an orgasm. I want to have an orgasm too, so we agree there. However, pressuring me to have an orgasm every time we have sex is asking for something that is pretty likely impossible. So many factors go into me having an orgasm- being able to let go and just enjoy pleasure without stress, for example, having the right stimulation for the right amount of time, being aroused enough to begin with. If I feel worried that you'll be disappointed with my lack of orgasm, I may not have one at all, simply because I'll be trying too hard.

However, it's additionally important for me to say that if you have an orgasm most of the time we have sex and I don't, it's very likely that I need more time for what we're doing. Don't blow off my orgasms either, or I'll feel really frustrated and broken. Make orgasm just another step on the sensual road, rather than the goal.


Focus Too Much On Your Penis


There are a lot of sexual acts we can engage in that don't involve your cock. I also like involving your cock, mind, but there's a world of things beyond it. The idea that your penis is necessary for sex has negative consequences for everyone- if you stress out about it, you can end up suffering from erectile dysfunction, for example. If your partner has a latex allergy (or you do) and you can't get access to nonlatex condoms, you'll consider yourself shit outta luck.

But it really doesn't have to be that way. You have a tongue, fingers, lips, skin, teeth, toys, frottage.. there's so many other things you can do that focusing on your cock is shortsighted if nothing else! Which brings me to my last point...


Think Your Ejaculation = End Of Sex


It's another one of those things to talk about, and not to assume. Usually, if you've made me really happy or even orgasm before you orgasm, I'm happy to snuggle. But if I haven't had an orgasm, but I'm close, and you ejaculate and then roll over, I may feel... well, left out. Maybe I'm not done yet. It doesn't mean you have to fuck me again, but having a couple of toys around to finish me off, if I want you to, is a good move. I really like it when you kiss me or bite my neck while I use a vibrator, or hearing you read me some erotica. As I said to one lover, many years ago, "there's so much more to sex than sex!"

I hope you find this helpful, and that it helps you become a better lover by giving you a place to start discussing your likes and dislikes, what gets you hot and what leaves you cold. Bad sex is out there and it happens to everyone- it makes for some hilarious stories! But bad sex is better when it's the exception... not the rule.

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Review: Minx Tail

I have a cat tail with a wooden base I got for Christmas a couple of years back and I adore it. But I was kind of ready for a tail that had a different, slightly smaller base- the wooden plug, while comfy, was a bit much for my poor body to handle, especially as I don't do anal play particularly often.

I was therefore really glad when Crystal Delights agreed to send me their Minx plug with a tail- a nice, thick, extra fluffy grey and white fox tail. And it is so, so lush! I wanted to rub the tail all over my face.

It's solidly attached to a pretty glass plug for inserting. My plug has a lovely frosted glass finish as well, which makes it feel super velvety and makes it not quite as cold to the skin. It's about 2.7" insertable length, and about 1.4" wide, making it a lovely first plug for people unaccustomed to inserting things anally. And the design is ideal, with a good ratio between the base and the widest part of the plug- it stays in comfortably while not being such a big flare that it's hard to remove.

Now, of course with butt plugs, you want to go slowly at first. I like to use a vibe around the outside first- even better for relaxing my body is bringing myself to a clitoral orgasm first, which leaves me feeling less tense. That may make putting a plug in feel even easier for you. Once it's in, I enjoy tugging it (gently now) so I can feel it inside me.

As someone who loves kitty play, you might like a solid coloured tail as your own fluffy cat tail; if you're more canine in nature, these are perfect for puppy/fox/wolf play.

There are of course other things one can do with a plug tail- use it as a sensation toy, for example. You can put it in the freezer (I would put the tail part in a freezer bag to protect it, and Crystal Delights says not to do this, so proceed at your own risk) and use the glass like you would use ice, then using the tail for another, softer sensation. Or you could use it as a gentle impact toy- not too hard, but by holding the plug as a handle, you can lightly flog your partner as a warmup or as a cooldown activity.

As for caring for this, I recommend using water based lubricant, as it's the easiest to get out of the fur. You can wipe the plug with soap and water, toy cleaner (be careful to keep it off the tail!) or a lint-free towel with a bit of peroxide. There's special instructions on keeping the fur neat and clean, so I'll just quote Crystal Delights:

Our Crystal Minx animal tails are real fur tails and as such require a bit of special care. Here is where I give you the “correct” way to clean your Crystal Minx tail (which I know most of you wont do) then I will give you some tips and tricks that might help! The Crystal Minx tail should be cleaned only by a fur professional, however here are some things you can do yourself.

-Give it a good home. Be sure it is not exposed to bright light while being stored, or isn’t kept near a heat source. Make sure it has room to breath and isn’t being crushed by other objects. Fur likes cold, hates heat. They don’t like friction. They don’t like chemicals. They like space.

-Don’t cover your Crystal Minx tail with a bag. Your tail prefers air circulation, to prevent its leather side from drying. If you absolutely must keep it in a bag for a short period of time, be sure it is in a loosely woven cloth bag.

-Accessorize wisely. Don’t pin jewelry on your tail, and avoid sharp necklaces and bracelets that could snag your tail.

-Avoid insecticides, mothproofing and other chemicals around your tail, including perfume or hairspray directly on your tail. Perfume contains alcohol, which can dry it out. Once a perfume gets into your tail, including cedar from a cedar chest it could be there to stay. Oils in the leather of your tail can become rancid and smell.

-If your tail gets wet, don’t panic. Most tails handle snow and light rain with ease. Shake it out and hang it to dry in a well ventilated room. Resist the temptation to speed the drying process by using a hair dryer or hanging near a heat source. Your tail does not like heat. After it dries, shake it again. Do not comb or brush it. If its hairs are a little bristly, simply smooth them with your hand.

-Do not store your tail in a freezer…bad idea.

-Spot clean a stain at once with a cleaning solution and a rag. Pat the area with the rag rather than stroking it to avoid removing guard hairs. Hang to dry after the stain is removed.

-Bring back the shine of the fur by drying oat bran or cornmeal and laying it in the fur. These substances soak up dirt and grime. Gently shake out the cornmeal and bran and shake the tail to loosen the rest of the substances.

I know it sounds complicated, but taking good care of your tail means it'll be gorgeous for years- totally worth it!

Thank you Crystal Delights for sending me this beautiful Minx tail in exchange for a honest review- check out their other toys, like their pretty jeweled plugs!