Trigger Warning- frank discussion of suicide

When a well-known porn star direct messaged me and tenderly asked if there was anything she could do to help with my struggles, and if it would be ok to signal boost my tilt campaign to help with my no-fault eviction, I was amazed. I didn't expect someone who had 429,000 Twitter followers to know who I was, much less to reach out to me when I was in pain. Full of gratitude, I thanked her for her compassion, gave her permission, and was temporarily contented that perhaps I was less alone than I thought.

The next day I was at a shoot talking about mutual care when I discovered that an acquaintance had been vaguebooking about how people in the adult industry shouldn't be asking for handouts, that we should just work harder. Bootstraps, y'all, right? This sort of attitude is one I feel I confront often, and it's one I have in myself- how dare I ask for help? Who am I to receive assistance? Obviously it would be better for me to self destruct, or to suffer needlessly and silently, rather than asking people who seem to maybe care about me if they could give me a boost.

What a fucked up thing to say.

In my case it is easier for me to let go of the shame associated with asking for help, especially financial help, because I've been homeless and no amount of pride will put me back into that situation, ever. I can reflect on the hours of unpaid labour I do through activism, through giving personal guidance and advice, through taking on crowdfunding campaigns for other performers in dire straits, and I can say "sure, I do the work, this is just a way for people to repay me". I can see it as an exchange- I scratch their backs, and eventually, they scratch mine.

But when I am anxious, or sad, I find it hard to crawl out of the hole I'm in to ask for a hand. I also find it hard to do self care, to eat properly, or to communicate about other things. I have multiple friends of friends who have committed suicide over the last two years, and many many more on the verge at any given moment, because they feel they're not heard, that no one cares. They're afraid of that shaming. So I hear you, person who is struggling and who is scared to ask people if they can do things for you. I understand the fear that comes with being vulnerable and saying, "yes, actually, I need you".

I'm here to say- it is OK to ask people for help. Fuck those people who say otherwise.

Do you hear that? IT'S OK TO ASK PEOPLE FOR HELP.

They may not always be able to provide the help you need, but it's perfectly fine to ask. I would say it's especially ok to ask if people ask you for help all the time, with events, with editing, with personal problems. I think as caretakers and givers, we find it harder to get our needs met because we're afraid the world will fall apart if we take a time out. And I think, for me at least, it's scary to slam up against the possibility that all the assistance I've paid forward were just examples of people taking advantage and using me. That makes me feel like I should have known better, and gives me nihilistic feelings towards humanity. Much better to not ask at all than to be disappointed, right?

Considering a week ago I had a noose around my neck and was heavily considering where to put the knot for the quickest and easiest death, no. It's not better to keep these things to yourself and suffer in silence. That way lies madness and isolation and the very good likelihood that you will end up martyring yourself when there was some possibility people would have helped you. At least give them the chance by asking.

I am still fighting off suicidal feelings, because receiving help isn't a cure-all. But I also have some financial aid to cushion the sudden fall that happens with evictions, and I have some pleasurable things to remind me to do self care (flowers, cookies, bath bombs and makeup). I know I have people I can talk to and lean on when I need to. I know I have lovers I can be honest about how bad things are with, who will hold me tighter rather that be scared and run away. And that knowledge is keeping me alive. Communicating about where I'm at is what's keeping me breathing. Trust that I can be honest without being sent to a hospital or made to feel guilty for making other people upset is helping me be strong. And when someone talks shit about you doing that, consider the source- in this case, realizing the amount of unpaid labour I had provided for this person in the past allowed me the closure to say "well, fuck you too".

It is ok to ask for help. There are a lot of systematic oppressions that cause us to not want to ask for help, something missed by "The Art of Asking" by Amanda Palmer, though she touches on the also-important personal barriers that prevent people from coming forward. For example, this campaign in Hull suggested that people begging on the street should not "intimidate or harass people" but "ask for help and support"- help from resources often overflowing, sometimes dangerous, and often not friendly towards minorities. People of colour asking for help, trans people, sex workers are all seen less as "needing a helping hand" and more "demanding a hand out", or "charity cases". My question is, when did we get so scared of charity?

We're taught that it's a weakness to ask, but it's a weakness to ignore our limitations. Being able to be vulnerable is strength beyond measure. Crowdfunding, crowdsourcing, Patreon, tip jars, these are all ways we can help each other, encouraging an ecosystem of mutual care rather than individualistic selfishness. And ask for the big things, because you won't know unless you do- people often surprise us. The highest donating person on my tilt is a guy I knew years and years ago, who I offered a place to sleep when his parents kicked him out of his home.

All this said- asking for help is only as good as the community of people you have around to help you. I'm very lucky to have social media, but its worth noting that while I have about 10,000 followers at least total on my social networks, 47 actually contributed to my tilt. Another 5 paypaled me directly or gave me cash. All that is totally fine, of course- people have their own shit going on, right? But to prevent burnout, remember community is about accountability, shared responsibility, and mutual care. Think long and hard about who you spend time with and make efforts for and if they are, in fact, your community, or when you ask for help you will feel resentful. Its made me really appreciate the people who DO make time, who DO donate a dollar or two, who DO reach out and ask how I'm doing. I have radically redefined my community in a way that feels more sustainable and safe.

I might even make it through this alive, and part of that is because I trusted those around me enough to ask for help.

Here's my guide on helping suicidal people, and also here's a bit more about where I'm at at the moment if this seems kind of out of nowhere.

Here's a great flyer on sustainable self care and activist burn out.

Crossposted on Medium

Trigger warnings: abuse, rape, violent fantasies, suicide, racism, transmisogyny, bestiality 

Before we get started, I want to be vulnerable with you, and share something personal.

I have had erotic fantasies about rape, fatally sacrificing myself for a lover, being completely subservient to a male Dominant figure who beats me because he can (not in like, a caring way, but in a actual property and abuse way), being fucked after I’m dead, being kidnapped and placed on a breeding farm, all sorts of pretty dark shit that’s taboo in society at large. Most of these fantasies developed when I was very young, long before I had even kissed a boy, much less had sex with one. One of the first things I ever jerked off to a piece where a woman zookeeper got raped by a gorilla (even though that’s ridiculous, gorillas have smaller penises than humans, but nevermind).

So when I say I totally understand why people have these fantasies, I’m not joking. I really do understand.

But these fantasies did not occur in a vacuum. Fantasies rarely do.

Let’s break this down as it pertains to one of the most popular fantasies for women- rape fantasies. Somewhere between a third and half of women, depending on the study, fantasize about being raped. One study suggests that as many women find rape fantasies both erotic and aversive as ones who just find it erotic. We are compelled by it even as it terrifies us. That makes sense, when rape is a possibility for 1 in 5 women… perhaps more, if we consider how many go unreported, and how few that are reported end up in court. You’re more likely to get raped than get breast cancer. Perhaps that fear is morbidly fascinating?

I remember talking to a friend of mine about Grindr, just to open this up from heteronormativity. He was pointing out to me that it was a world of bottoms and no tops when it comes to rape fantasies. “It’s ok to want to be taken,” he said, “but to admit that you want to be the rapist? Who would do that? That’s creepy.” Indeed, this is often the case with heterosexuals too- while it’s more and more normalized for women to admit to having fantasies where they are forced into sex, we are understandably wary of men who speak glibly about their desire to enact such fantasies. Maybe it’s because these fantasies can go horribly wrong, and when playing with consensual nonconsent, it feels frighteningly easy to cross the line between pleasing your partner through role play and actually being a rapist.

And let’s talk for a moment about what these rape fantasies tend to look like in these reports. In these fantasies, like in hentai or in at least half of romance novels, a sexually desirable man is overcome with lust for a woman, so much so he just HAS to have her. She protests, often because of modesty, but deep down she really wants it, wants him, and becomes overwhelmed with pleasure and sometimes love during the “rape”. The act being fantasized about, then, is not rape. Rape is an act of violence or coercion, often by someone known to the victim. I don’t believe that the fact we often call these rape fantasies, when it isn’t actually rape but perhaps ravishment, is harmless. It links the idea that rape is an act of sexual desire, and that women might actually want it or feel complimented by it. We live in a world where young girls who are raped are slutshamed until they commit suicide. How can we possibly say that these things are completely unrelated?

Why, then, is media like 50 Shades of Grey so popular? It’s reflective of years of subconscious training of women that admitting sexual desire is shameful and being “taken” allows you to avoid the blame, that the ideal partner is one who “just knows what’s best for you”, that “I’m yours, forever” is a romantic thing to say and not a terrifying admission of codependency. It’s because people are trained that catcalling is a compliment that says you’re pretty rather than a power play, or that loving someone hard enough can transform them into someone better.

Tell me again how these things are just fantasies, and not conditioning under patriarchy to help us deal with microaggressions and major trauma?

I’ve written about this before as it pertains to forced feminization, trans women being shut out of lesbian porn, fat fetishism, and our attraction/disgust reaction to women seen as “manic pixies”. If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you’ve probably seen that I write and reflect on my own fantasies somewhat constantly- from Shredder’s knives to ageplay to creampies to sex on trains to wholesomeness. So I get it- even in my blog you’ll see me waver between “my cunt likes what it likes, leave it be” to “how has cultures shaped and perhaps fucked up my sexuality”. I understand this is an unpleasant discussion and will make you second guess yourself.

But I still think it needs to happen. Sorry not sorry.

50 Shades of Grey, and similar media that deifies abusive relationships (“Beauty and the Beast”, say, or “Twilight”, or Spike/Buffy or Angel/Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer), is not simply harmless fun. It distresses me to see people I admire in the sex positive world, like Erika Moen or Lux Alptraum, say that they have faith people will know better than to mimic what they read when the fact every sex store is doing 50 Shades workshops and selling 50 Shades tat. We know damn well people are using this book to jumpstart their education in BDSM, and BDSM has done a shit poor job of dealing with abuse. I mean shit, we’re a country who has to repeatedly say “do not try this at home” for obviously dangerous stuff (Jackass, WWE, viral Youtube videos) and people still do it. I think you’re putting too much faith in common sense.

It’s not even just about sexual fantasies, not really. “It’s just a fantasy!” (and therefore, I guess, above critique?) is phrase used to defend romanticized abuse in books, frivolous murder of sex workers in games, detailed rape stories/graphic abuse games involving real women involved in Gamergate, racist caricatures in porn that reduce Black men into aggressive sexual animals, depictions of trans women as sexual predators or “just men in dresses”.

No. Just no. It’s not just fantasy. Maybe in a better educated world it would be, but here, it is reinforcement of norms and it has a real life impact.

We are beginning to realize that a joke is not just a joke, that it has a social impact, and we should expand that to other interactions. While I don’t believe that violent porn causes rape or that violent video games cause school shootings, I do believe that they act as reinforcement of behavior that is not socially acceptable, but is coded as secretly desirable. I believe that the lack of safer sex in most erotica and porn does reinforce the message that condomless sex is sexier/better/more intimate. I believe that the fact we are more likely to see explicit sex in film if it’s nonconsensual than if it is reinforces sexual shame, especially for women. I believe that when blowjobs are less censored than cunnilingus, it reinforces male pleasure over female. I believe that when there’s multiple examples of erotic male dominance and female submission, but female domination and male submission is always portrayed as either dangerous or hilarious, that reinforces patriarchal norms.

These things add up to a toxic society- to blindfold yourself to that is to condone it through your chosen ignorance.

All this said, I don’t think it should be banned or censored. I just think it needs to be seriously analyzed. I know it’s uncomfortable and not fun to delve deeper into where these fantasies come from, but in my opinion, it’s an ethical necessity. And I feel that by doing so, we don’t have to fight our fantasies, or be defensive of them, or hide from them in shame. We need to contextualize them and weave them into the rich fabric that is our lives. It’s only by actually understanding and critiquing our darker taboos, rather than treating them as inexplicable, that we can keep them firmly on the shelf where they belong… in fantasy.

 

I've always loved creatures of the sea- mermaids, selkies, krakens, and of course the hippocampus, which is basically a merhorse. So finding a sex toy from Exotic Erotics that mimics this mythological beast was incredibly exciting to me, as well as being perfect timing to be one of the toys I used with Ned on Fisting Day to prepare me for his hand!

As you can see he's laughing, I think at the absurdity of the toys I bring to bed/set to use. I'm not really one for dicks that look like dicks in general, I like things with a little.... flare. This definitely stands out of the crowd!

That's because when I was asked which size of this toy I wanted to use, I went for the biggest. I'm not typically a size queen, and with 11" of insertable length on the XL Hippocampus, it's way too long for me, but I wanted the girth. Midshaft it's got almost 2 3/4" of girth, and I definitely wanted that inside me.

I went for medium hardness and I'm glad, as the squishiness is just enough to feel really nice inside me without the texture being too overwhelming. One advantage to Exotic Erotics is the number of ways you can customize your toy to your preferences, especially when it comes to fun colour combos and silicone hardnesses. I found them to be really helpful when I was asking about how to make this toy work with a harness, and if it was even harness compatible!

The texture, a mix of gentle waves and scales, is incredible. I felt it without feeling ripped apart, which can happen sometimes with hard dildos and fancy textured bodies. And when it hit my cervix it felt nice, rather than overly pokey.

I need to state here- this is not a toy for beginners. Even the medium is pretty intense from what I hear. However, if you're looking for a toy that will help you open up for fisting, this is a great option, or if you like to feel really, really full.  Plus it looks beautiful, and you can get it with a suction cup so you can have some hands free humping fun if that's your deal.

There's a slight curve to this toy that made it fun to play with, both pointing towards my belly and pointing down towards my ass. I personally preferred pointing towards my belly, as it hit my g-spot better that way, but bodies are different and you should see what works best for you! Don't worry, you don't have to go with a massive version to enjoy this toy- they have a small that's a perfectly reasonable 5 1/2" insertable length, and 1 1/2" girth that would be equally enjoyable!

I personally really enjoyed the fanciful nature of this toy, especially as I've been disappointed in my purchases from Bad Dragon (and their politics). Exotic Erotics is a fantastic other option, and they have a whole line of sculpted toys that covers werewolves, raptors, phoenixes, halflings... all over the map.

They also have more lifelike toys, if you like your human puppyplay to involve a more dog-like cock (I'm not saying whether this is a thought of mine or not, nope, not me). But with elephant trunks and orca cocks to experiment with, I think you could explore this shop for a while and get a range of experiences you wouldn't find anywhere else.

Being silicone, these toys are sterilizable by boiling, putting in a dishwasher, rubbing down with toy cleaner, whatever is your  typical way of cleaning toys. Water based lube is great on them- with the texture I'd recommend either a creamier consistency like Liquid Silk, or a gel like Sliquid Sassy.

All in all, Exotic Erotic's XL Hippocampus is totally recommended for all your fantasy fucking needs!

CW: suicidality, mental health struggles, the questionable community vs who shows up, isolation, body image

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I took about 10x the normal dose of klonopin last night. I knew better from past experience to think it would kill me, but I wanted so desperately to have a vacation from this constant state of anxiety I vibrate through on almost a daily basis and sleeping for half a day sounded like a good start. I have not felt this low in a while and I know exactly where it comes from- money. Lack of money. Working multiple jobs nonstop and still never having enough money to get by, while living in a city where people squander money on all sorts of frivolous shit while stepping over the homeless. And I'm doing better than most, I have resources to throw a fundraiser or get paid through Patreon (though, less every month). Most people don't have that.

Feeling like giving up is a difficult space to be in. To talk about it is to stir up drama, to be attention seeking, someone people want to avoid. Yet if you don't talk about it and just silently self harm, or maybe even succeed in your attempt, the survivors gather around to discuss how shocking it is, why didn't they ask for help, if only they had reached out.

We are killing these people. We are making a choice to prioritize other things above mental health, and this is obvious because look to the funding. We build multiple new stadiums while people can't get access to food stamps and medical care. This is on us. We make time for what we care about and people who are being pushed out of homes threatened in the streets, raped by community leaders, we don't actually care, because that;s not where our time and money goes.

No wonder people are dropping like flies.

Maybe I'm just judging from my feed, but people are suicidal all the time. They reach out in a myriad of ways constantly, and they are patently ignored, or at the very least, told how strong they are and that they can do it. I know this is a sentiment that means well, honestly I do, but it's a kind way to say 'stop whining and pull yourself up by your bootstraps... no, no, don't hang yourself on them, you're getting this all wrong, please go back to being a part of society that doesn't challenge my ideas that hard work fixes everything".

I can only speak for me, but during a given week, probably about 20-30 hours is on paid labour. The rest is on giving rape counseling to marginalized people with no where else to go, a traumatizing experience that is left only to me because my original cofounder left when it got too difficult and my coeditor is being accused of assault and has stepped back out of respect. Which is fine, take care of yourselves, right. But who the fuck takes care of me, and the nightmares I have of graphic rape every night. I am regularly told that my activism is fake, that I'm a horrible person because I feel that abuser/victim is a violent and dangerous dichotomy that can and does hit us all at some point in life. I genuinely think the queer "community', or some portion of it, wont be happy til I'm dead, at which point I'm sure they'll valorize and maybe steal
my fucking work.

Oh, ok, right, bootstraps. I'm so strong. I'm a survivor.

Fuck that discourse. I am not surviving, here, I am barely scraping through. And I have a "community" of over 8000 who want to engage with me in terms of staring at my boobs or maybe being snarky on my wall, but maybe 6 who actually SHOW UP. And I'm wearing them out. There will come a time where they can't anymore. I know this, I've seen it happen before, and I don't blame them. It's hard to take care of someone who's anxiety is so strong they sometimes can't leave the house without bursting into tears.

I feel like I am often asked to help with events, fundraisers, signal boosting your projects, making your performance a success, giving you extensive counseling, mediating issues.

But you don't ask me out to a party. You don't ask me to dinner. You don't ask me on a date. You don't want me to participate in these spaces, you want me to work them, for free. You are not my friend, you are a coworker who doesn't really indicate any value for my work, and that fucking hurts my feelings. I notice it.

I see you, person I did lots of unpaid, heavy event work for but who doesn't think I'm pretty enough to hire for performances.

I see you, person who says I'm too intimidating to approach but only sleeps with young slender people and doesn't acknowledge me in public.

I see you, person who wanted help with their fundraisers but won't signal boost mine.

I fucking see you. And I'm not mad. I'm disappointed and hurt.

We drain members of our community willing to fall for the "do-ocracy" myth and expect them to have the resources to keep doing it ad nauseum. And we also abandon them to their own devices, rarely offering to inconvenience ourselves to be there in their times of distress, and yet when we wake up to find they've shot themselves or jumped the bridge we are selfish enough to be angry at THEM for not, what, being more clear they needed us? That clarity is usually there, when you look. You just choose not to see because there's some fun event or a hot date and that's more important. I'm not mad, not really, I just think it's unfortunate that so much of this is preventable. Many of us cannot afford therapy, which is from $40-80 a pop and often not covered by Obamacare. We certainly can't afford involuntary hospitalizations, which cost upwards of $5000 a night... leading someone who is suicidal and panicking about money now with debt to fight as well. Many of us give up then.

Shout out to Courtney and Nick, who would have driven an hour to take me out to a diner or given me a place to stay - honestly I refused because I felt ashamed to be crying for hours with no indication of if it would end. We isolate ourselves believing that to be kindness to others, even if it creates a downward spiral of mental health, because we love you and the last thing we need is to scare you off. Having this intensity of feelings seems like a guarantee for scaring people off and we're already pretty isolated. I am honestly terrified my lovers are going to leave me over this, and I've been bottling up for weeks how bad it is because I need them... but then I also feel if I do completely crash, I need them to know its not their fault, but the fault of a culture that demands individualism at any cost.

I would be lying if I didn't say a certain amount of this is the desire to shed my flesh. I know, I know, I'm a fat activist and am therefore required by law to love my body. When left to my own devices, I feel good about myself. But then I leave the house, and I see how people look pityingly as my lover, a fit white cis guy, and disgustedly at me. I look on Facebook and it feels like every woman I know says to love their body but are also posting regularly about the diets and gym work they do and how they feel SO MUCH BETTER, and all the praise they get for being SO GOOD is like a slap in the face. I go to a sex party and watch people approach and flirt with him and it's like I don't even exist, despite being one of the first members, because my rolls act like an invisibility cloak. You can say whatever the fuck you want about body confidence- I have it, plenty of it- but it's other people who make me feel tolerated at best and an inconvenience, a flaming hoop standing in the way at worst. Ok, no, maybe at worst is the impression that my fatness disgusts others to the point they can't even be around me. This is why I require flirting with me to be purposeful and direct, because no, threesomes don't "just happen" in my world, they are often spaces of trauma and being left out and trying to smile while digging a fork into my thigh because I don't want to be the killjoy yet again. When I live in a world where almost every woman I know is obsessed with being fit and hooking up with each other, my body is a lonely monstrosity and I am ashamed of it.

These are all things that lead to my feeling of valueness. Like sure I get it I have value as long as I'm promoting your book or performing for free at your event or running your fundraiser campaign, but god help me if it's something I need you to give me back. That's just selfishness. And maybe thats the gist of all this- if I was truly true to my selfishness, I'd have fucked off long ago. I am genuinely afraid to say no to being generous because I'm afraid if I do my uselessness will be laid bare- my body's grossness, my lack of effectiveness as a solo non-non-profit who can't get a paid lecture much less a book deal because who gives a fuck about consent. And that's when I'm not being told I do it for the rock star cred, to be popular and liked, because I guess endless rape and death threats is indicative of how much people love me. I get about 20 more messages telling me to kill myself for being a fat SJW whore than telling me I'm doing something good.

Eventually that will probably kill me. I don't want that to come as a surprise, but I want you to know I really did do the best I could. And god, please, I don't want to be pitied. Look, either you want to start taking this shit on, confronting fatphobia in sex spaces verbally and consistently, refusing to let social norms about how flirting with fat girls devalues you somehow impact what you do, hire BBW women to perform in your spaces, ask someone chubby to join you for a threesome and then actually pay attention to them, offer to take on making meals or cleaning for your local overwhelmed and completely underappreciated SFW, pay for their damn patreons and fundraisers knowing that this is about their survival.

Pity is bullshit. It's the time for action.

So a couple of weekends ago, I took a long ass van ride down to Southern California, a place I swore I'd never go again. I have a lot of irrational judgments against the area, from LA to Palm Springs- my experiences have been pretty wretched, and frankly a good portion of the road from Northern CA to Southern CA smells like cow shit. I had a throat that felt like it was full of ants and I was going to ArcadeExpo in Banning, a small, quiet town in the middle of nowhere.

I had played some pinball before with my girlfriend J, but I was never a big arcade gamer growing up. Computer games, sure. Board games, no problem, but arcades weren't really part of my social life. My friends were more interested in art and fashion for the most part. I enjoyed text based adventure games, but I didn't really go out and play games with other people so much. So for me, I wasn't sure what I'd get out of a convention heavy on pinball and arcade cabinets. My attention span is a bit short for spending a bunch of time examining each machine.

Turns out J had a plan to follow me around and interview me on my thoughts after playing a bunch of different machines, like what drew me to them, how I think I did, etc. It was fun- I enjoyed the art, and the cacophony of music, and all the flashy lights- but eventually I was ready to go back to my laptop for Civilization V or Long Live the Queen.

But it was only day one.

The next day I decided I needed to find some sort of weird roadside attraction, and I found an amazing one in the Cabazon Dinosaurs.

Originally created to draw attention to a man's little roadside restaurant, it's now owned by creationists and is a haphazard, desert-worn collection of sad looking dinosaurs, a scattering of snakes, tortoises, giant frogs, and other creatures that don't belong. I paid for everyone to get in because it was my idea, and we shuffled around looking at the heads of raptors on the wides of wild west looking shacks.

It was all very strange, but not very creationist-y. That is, until we found our way inside the T-Rex, wherein lay posters declaring that it was QUITE POSSIBLE that dinosaurs still roamed the earth and cited Doctor Who as a reliable source of facts. We gaped at the declarations that dinosaurs and humans walked the earth together 6000 years ago, and tried not to laugh too loudly in front of other people who seemed to be taking all this seriously.

The signs promised robotic dinosaurs and we didn't find any until we went in the gift shop. I was even startled by one, a groaning triceratops that was apparently being hunted by a medieval knight (?!?!?). The teenage boy who was at the ticket counter/gift shop register seemed completely nonplussed by the entire ordeal. I suspected this was one of the better jobs in the area.

I plugged in my phone inside the T-Rex so I could charge it and send into the world the dirty photos I made J take of me (because I'm a pervert and it was a great opportunity as long as no one caught us). Of course I immediately sent a photo of me flashing my boobs in front of a raptor to my boss because how often does one get to do that at a creationist museum? They, at least, laughed- my other partners, N and P, were apathetic about my exploits. It takes a lot to impress them, and, tbh, I send out a lot of photos of my boobs.

The other notable thing about this whole trip is how, when you leave the Bay Area, everything seems to be fried and either covered in sugar or cheese. Maybe ranch, for variety. But it's a salty fatty meaty wonderland and it was definitely making me a bit sickly. That plus my sore throat laid me in bed most of the day Saturday, lying in the hotel room, groaning a bit to myself and flopping around. Coming back involved rather a lot of salad eating. I became very passionate about my kale intake after this trip.

What I learned, though, was that while pinball can only hold my attention for a couple of hours, roadside attractions are kind of amazing and I want to visit a lot more. They've been my thing for a while and I desperately want to run away for a couple of weeks to visit some of the more obscure attractions in the US.  I'd love the chance to ask the curators their stories, maybe even on video, to save these things as they're quickly disappearing and falling apart.

I think perhaps my interest in pinball, and roadside Americana, is related to my current obsession with wholesomeness and playing around with that trope in myself. It's so new and strange to me that it's fun to explore. Many people wouldn't drive for days to visit the world's largest ball of twine but that is one of my life goals, because to me, Americana and these roadside wonders/horrors are tribute to the hustle of the everyday American in a way that I find remarkable. For many people, their collection or their giant chair or whatever is something that puts much needed money in the bank- not much, but enough. Many of the towns housing these things are on the verge of becoming ghost towns. I want to remind people that they don't have to go to another country to have an adventure, that we have plenty amazing and strange right here at home.

I was expecting to write a lot more about pinball but instead I find myself musing on how much I love road trips. I look forward to visiting some new places this year, even if they're just strange cult bunkers in the East Bay.

So for my 31st birthday I decided I wanted to set up a queer key party. I spent months setting up food, trying cocktails, getting the right vintage clothes, picking music, choosing the people, figuring out the dynamics... 

...and spent the evening having panic attacks and throwing up. I eventually was able to manage to crawl into the living room to make snarky comments about 70s porn, but that took several hours and most people had already either started fucking or left by then.

I learned something, though. I learned that yes, as I get older big sex parties are no longer sources of pleasure for me, but places of fear and sadness and microaggressions. I keep trying, thinking maybe this outfit, maybe I just need to be more open and friendly... but it doesn't make much of a difference.  They're just not spaces I feel safe, anymore, even when they're made specifically for me.

I feel a bit of loss, saying that out loud. I mean, I've suspected it for a while, but I thought it was a funk I'd escape. Instead each time is like reopening a wound, and rather than it healing, it's just getting infected. I am not as naive as I once was, back when I enjoyed feeling like submissive meat thrown to hungry wolves. Now that feeling leaves me tense and frustrated, suspicious and uncertain.

It's time to just walk away. And yet there's still something about that group dynamic that I crave. Honestly, it all goes back to wanting not to be last picked for the team... a very real terror that I'll be the one person at the sex party sitting on the sidelines. It doesn't matter that I'm 31, and should be old enough by now to let that roll off my back. I still want to be wanted.

There were a lot of complications around the key party, one main one being my inability to hold my shit together to move things along. There's also going to be issues when some people at the party are a Kinsey 6, limiting their options. And of course if, in your anxiety, you drink too much, which is common, you're going to have a pretty shit time. Bless my lovers, who managed to salvage the evening for many of the guests and who took incredible care of me.

I realized that the moment I was happiest about was sitting around playing Scrabble, or drinking wine, with my sweeties around me laughing and getting along. That's what I want, now, more than threesomes and moresomes, at least most of the time! I just wish it didn't feel like I can't have the group sex my lovers can, like I'm undesirable and in the way. Or worse, that I'm holding them back.

So, no more key parties for me. I'll stick to one on one sex, at least for now.

One of my favourite things to do with Google keyword searches is to see how people got to my blog, and what they were looking for. Often there's some interesting questions, or looking for very specific toys, fetishes, or porn. Analyze This! is basically an advice column of what I find, and it's fast, easy, and often a bit weird.

Check out Round 1 and Round 2 for more questions about AB/DL, fat sex positions, and if double penetration can hurt a pregnant woman's unborn child.

porn better free or paid for

As a porn performer who gets more work from studios when my work is successful and gets the producer paid subscriptions, I'm gonna have to go with paid, especially in a "treat sex work as work" sort of way. Jiz Lee wrote a couple of great pieces on just this topic, and how paying for porn helps ensure ethical work environments.

Also, many studios save their best work for behind paywalls. Pay for your porn, and not only are you supporting producers, performers, and workers on set, but you're also a lot more likely to have access to higher quality videos, better streaming, better audio, and more types of porn.

girls being throat fucked causing them to gag

So this is reasonably straightforward, being something that a lot of folks seem to be into because of the sudden constriction of the muscles, etc. I'm very familiar with the sensation personally because I have a gag reflex like no one's business- just a relatively normal blow job can cause me to have an intense gagging fit!

Because I feel like this is info/porn that's catered to quite a bit, therefore, I thought I'd instead let you know that this activity is actually ALSO probably banned in UK porn if it lasts longer than a minute, or if language around  "gagging" on the cock is used, as it would be considered a reference to choking. Learn more about obscenity laws and watch some hot porn with Ban This Sick Filth!

sex on trains

As you may or may not know, I have a massive thing for sex on trains. I'm really glad to find I'm not alone in that, though I'm still trying to work out if there's any ethical way to manifest this fantasy for myself. Probably not.

kinky cum play ideas

So one of my hottest fantasies/sex life things that I've discovered recently is how hot it is to be spread open with a speculum while a partner jerks off into you. I've seen one or two porn scenes with this, but not very often. One of the things I realized, though, is that you can do this using safer sex- just slip a condom (preferably a female condom) over the insertable end of the speculum, and gently insert into the body. Now you have a barrier, but also a hot scene. Yum yum yum.

I'm also really into having come sucked out of my cunt. ::fans self::

gay wizard porn

I've failed you, person looking for gay wizard porn. There's none of it to be had here- just reviews of the Wizard of Oz and Harry Potter porn parodies, both weirdly straight.

But this exists. And it might not be terrible.

I picked up the Doxy because I had been in a love affair with the Hitachi for so long I was afraid I had forgotten how to orgasm with any other toy. Hitachi was about to do away with the old Magic Wand and I was scared for my orgasms - I discovered them through the Hitachi, which had made me cum clitorially when nothing and no one else could. I had burned out sex toys before and knew that would be a possibility again. What would I do without my old friend?

Enter the Doxy, who not only met my Hitachi needs but also surpassed them in a few significant areas. Another plug in wand toy, heavy, but with large buttons instead of the click switch the Hitachi had, the Doxy also came in less medical colours (mine was purple) and had more vibrational variety. I counted about 20 different speeds and patterns, and while patterns aren't my cuppa, they do come in handy for tease and denial scenes! I appreciated that the Doxy starts somewhere in the middle of their range of intensity, which makes sense (I'm unlikely to go much lower than that on an average wankathon).

I decided to give the Doxy a trial during "Banned in the UK", considering it's a British vibrator. I found the head, made of medical grade PVC, to be soft and gentle on my clit, which was nice especially for partner sex. Sometimes a wand vibe against the slit can be dangerous during PIV, but the Doxy was nicely intense as well as being flexible and giving when my partner at the time slammed against it and into me.

The Doxy is pricier than the Hitachi but I honestly think the larger number of vibration settings makes it worthwhile. PVC isn't great when it comes to sterilization, so use a condom or a silicone cover on it when sharing it with a partner or a friend. Obviously, you can't boil it, so I'd be a bit more careful about storage and cleaning the head!

I did enjoy that the Doxy could get an orgasm out of me faster than the Hitachi, along with the longer cord (about a foot more length!). I've mostly moved away from vibrators with cords, but the Doxy is special enough that it'll still be invited along to shoots and dates. This is additionally true as the Doxy has something that makes it WAY better than the Hitachi for traveling - it has a plug top power supply unit, which means a simple adapter will be enough to make it usable all over the world. No more blowing your international friends fuses!

The stats:

• Long (12 feet) power cord.
• 7.5 inch head circumference to fit all standard sized wand attachments.
• Variable speed from approx. 3000 rpm to 9000 rpm. Variable escalating pulse setting.
• $135

Thank you Doxy for sending me this toy in exchange for an unbiased review! See it in action over on AmateurPorn.com in Banned in the UK parts 2 and 3!

All photos from my scenes in "Ban This Sick Filth", a collaboration between Courtney Trouble, Pandora Blake and myself

It's been funny, not ha-ha, but somewhat ironic that the last week has been filled with people telling me that free speech needs to be absolute, and that I just don't appreciate the necessity for it.

While I've been working on a porn that critiques and challenges obscenity laws... with more obscenity.

Originally, it was meant to challenge the UK's VOD restrictions- things I do at home, like fisting, squirting, and spanking, are now banned for me to do on film. As we worked on it, however, it morphed into a wider critique of how porn, often decided to be without "serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value", can and does serve as validation for sexual diversity, queerness, and an enjoyment of non-heteronormative sex.

In lieu of all the fervor about freedom of speech, I feel inclined to remind folks that obscenity is one of a few things not protected under "freedom of speech". I don't have the right to distribute or advertise my creative work, because I'm naked and orgasming in it and a bunch of white old dudes will argue in a courtroom about the artistic and educational merit of that. Considering a local community makes the decision on what is immoral for them, rather than a national standard, what is obscene and what it beautiful varies wildly from state to state. What might be completely acceptable and even tender in the Bay may well be horrifying and traumatizing to people in a conservative state.

I cannot completely anticipate the possible reactions or consequences of what I do, but I can make a pretty decent guess- I might get arrested, I might get doxxed by someone like Porn WikiLeaks, I might end up shot by some Elliot Rodgers PUA/MRA wannabe. Or I might be pointed at as someone perpetuating violence against women in the work I do. So, knowing those possibilities, I try to reduce by ethical carbon footprint in how I critique.

The thing is, when working on this porn, I recognized that, for example, there are people who watch porn for sexual education. That sense of awareness gave me some feelings of accountability to the viewer.

While it would've been, in many ways, a lot easier to have the banned acts be things that are nonconsensually thrust on me as the bottom, I also knew that we live in a culture that considers fisting violent. I know we live in a society where 5 year old rape victims have been said, by judges, that they were "asking for it". I know we live in a society where to say men shouldn't catcall is considered some sort of misandrist rallying cry. I didn't want to add to that culture by implying that these were acts I didn't want happening to me, I didn't want there to be a question about my consent. I wanted to show how absurd it is that I can do these things with the same people offscreen and that's legal, but if it's on a camera, suddenly it's obscene.

I think obscenity laws are ridiculous and worth making fun of. There are ways, I think, to both critique society, government, and law without falling into the tedious and easy trap of perpetuating ignorance or falling into boring stereotypes. While I know very well fisting isn't inherently violent, I also know that my depiction informs people, and maybe I should avoid having it be part of a rough sex scene involving face slapping and smutty talk so I can show people that it can be intimate and sweet. I choose to do a scene where I giggle through my caning instead of crying, because I want to show that these acts are ok, and a desire for these things is ok to have.

"Ban This Sick Filth" is a pet project I care a lot about, not only because I care about picking away at obscenity laws, but also because it was playful, and fun, and sends the message I wanted to send without being mean. And it's very intimate- doing watersports for the first time with a real life partner was really precious to me, and a challenge. I feel like this came from my heart, inviting people in to see why I love "sick filth", rather than dismissing them as ignorant for not feeling the same. And I can't wait to share it with all of you!

So on the heels of my earlier piece, wherein I indicate that I feel rather strongly that the contributors to Charlie Hebdo consciously consented to creating controversy, including violent controversy, I have been asked why I hate freedom of speech, particularly as a pornographer.

Never mind that I fiercely support freedom of speech - and demonstrate that by critiquing Charlie Hebdo's work, including by investigating the hate speech laws in France - but never mind.

Here's the thing. I know very well that being a porn performer is a balancing act when it comes to freedom of speech (and I actually know that freedom of speech isn't a black or white issue). Obscenity is not protected, after all, and with a long list of what's obscene including fisting, squirting, spitting mouth to mouth, no male/male penetration, no trans people, etc, the sex I like to have is pretty obscene. And I like to have enjoyable sex on film, so I know freedom of speech is not going to save me if I'm hauled into court on obscenity charges. While I've been writing this I found out the porn I've been working on, showing acts banned in Britain by their censors, is also censored by our distributors here in the US. So we'll print it ourselves.

Being a sex worker is the hill I have chosen to die on. By that I mean, I made a strategic choice that I care enough about sex worker rights and other sex workers to be willing to ride out the consequences of my actions. As a white, cis, middle class woman, too, I felt that for me it was a hill I could defend better than others with less privilege. It's not a safe hill, by any means. I made the choice to be a sex worker and to be upfront about it knowing that the consequences could include being threatened, raped, arrested, deported, made homeless, made unemployable, alone and undefended. And it has led to a good number of those things - I have dealt with some serious and horrible threats to my life. Yet I dig my feet in and keep fighting, because for me, this is the stand I want to take, consequences be damned.

I know that it might harm me some day. I do what I can to minimize the impact on my family, on my lovers, on my friends. I also inform them when there's a threat, and I take them very seriously. But thankfully, they, too, support me in this battle, and fight with me. It's a choice we make consciously and together.

I support freedom of speech, but I do not feel that hate speech should be protected. I don't feel that doxxing should be protected. Since the "freedom of speech" hill often seems to feel that you either have all freedoms or none, it's not a hill I'm willing to die on. I don't feel humans can be trusted with that level of responsibility when that "freedom of speech" has been used to defend racist incitements to violence, abuse of trans women, threatening the safety of women. I refuse to defend the freedom of speech of a magazine that felt making fun of raped children of colour was fair game, and yes, I will judge you for thinking that's defendable.

Standing against rape culture, xenophobia, violence against women, and racism? THAT is a hill I will happily die on. So screw me.

Additionally:

The implication I've now seen more than once that a bunch of privileged white men who courted controversy gleefully being shot for that (and putting other, NONconsenting people in fatal danger) is *the same as a woman walking in public getting raped* disgusts and horrifies me. I think it is possible to say that being abusive to someone and utilizing your power and privilege to do so is an action that is likely to have reactionary consequences. I think to then imply that a woman walking in public deserves to get raped, or that the comparison is at all logical one, is completely absurd and suggests an alarming misunderstanding of how rape culture works.

To say that the contributors to Charlie Hebdo knew full well that they were putting their dick in a wasp's nest is not the same as a woman walking down the street apparently knowing she's going to get raped, unless you believe walking down the street is an action that incites violence, which I do not. I don't think that the contributors at Charlie Hebdo "had it coming", but I do feel that they were very aware that their actions caused violence in the past and might again and, as people with privilege, they had agency in their decision. To compare that to women being raped is offensive, illogical, and disgusting, and yes, I'm sideeying you for that.

I feel sorry especially for the Muslim police officer who died, and the bystanders who were injured.  I feel very sorry for other Muslims, who are now likely to have their homes and businesses and places of worship smashed up, their lives threatened, their ability to travel limited.

I do not feel sorry for people who put themselves *and others* at risk by being intentionally and consistently inflammatory and cruel. Because that's the thing- sometimes your actions impact OTHER PEOPLE. Your freedom of speech affects and impacts other people. And the contributors to Charlie Hebdo apparently and selfishly didn't give a fuck about that, or take any responsibility or accountability for that. So my empathy for them is rather limited. "But they insulted people equally!" I hear cried. You cannot offend people equally when there's systematic imbalances of power and access.

I'll just quote the White House when this issue came up in the past:

“We don’t question the right of something like this to be published,” Jay Carney, the White House press secretary, told reporters. “We just question the judgment behind the decision to publish it.”