So last year I presented "En/Forced Femme- Sex Workers and Social Media" at SXSW, and it was really a big step for me as a presenter and as someone moving into the social media field. I knew I wanted to go again, so I created two presentations this year, and I'd love to get your help voting them up!

Voting is open from August 13-August 31st, so please signal boost, blog, write articles, anything you can do to help us get there next March!

First up is "Principled Porn: Is DIY Changing the Industry?", a panel I'll be moderating featuring the geeky, sexy, and whipsmart Ned and Maggie Mayhem, the incredible and inspiring producer Shine Louise Houston, and the lovely and driven Kelly Shibari. I am so amazed and humbled to have such a great panel of people together, and they really need to be heard at SXSW Film. Here's the summary of that presentation:

Porn prohibitionists assert that pornography is inherently destructive for both the performer and the viewer. Yet some studies suggest that with decreased institutionalized sexism in a society comes increased variety of pornographic imagery available and the increase of positive limpact on relationships. In the age of internet video and conscientious consumption, independent porn is getting a leg up- direct access to consumers is increasing questions about how work standards being applied to the world of XXX.

With the blogosphere reflecting an increasingly diverse audience for adult materials, how is this changing the perception of who is the exhibitionist and who is the voyeur? And is this impacting the way we interact with porn on a personal, professional and academic level?

These panelists, some working within and some outside of the mainstream industry, will examine how porn is produced, marketed, and consumed, and if a fair trade option is in our erotic futures.

Secondly, I put together a solo presentation called "50 Shades of Complicated: The Web, Feminism, and Kink". Here's the description of that one:

Kinky sex has always been a point of contention among feminists, with some arguing that it reflects and glamorizes patriarchal values and others that women should have the right to enjoy whatever sex they want. The internet has been a fierce battleground for this discussion, as women from all walks of life find themselves able to anonymously weigh in in front of a large audience. For the last year, "50 Shades of Grey", a series born from fanfiction, has been tossed around as the greatest example of women openly being willing to admit to having kinky desires. But is this book the best gateway? Is it legitimizing submissive fantasies among women? Is that at the cost of delegitimizing other sexual preferences? And is that anti-feminist?

Kitty Stryker, founder of Consent Culture, will disentangle how this popular novel, the internet, and multiple feminist theories have made women's desire for kink 50 shades... of grey area.

I really need all the help I can get for both these panels to be accepted. There's so many panels, and your vote really does make a difference! I'm pretty sure you don't have to log in to vote You have to log in to vote, but it takes just a second of your time, but would mean the world to us all!

This last week, I had a meltdown. The Boy and I almost broke up (twice), communication seemed to be at a standstill, everything was just Too Much. I cracked, and cracked, and cracked again. There was a lot of weeping and then laughing, a lot of talking for hours and not getting far, a lot of uncertainty and confusion.

Most of the time, I feel pretty sure that being diagnosed with bipolar was something that happened because I was a teenage girl, but this last week I really felt it bubble to the surface.

I'm usually pretty clear about who and what I am, but when I peeled all that away to expose rawness I found that maybe I was clinging to parts of myself that were no longer serving me. And that's terrifying, in its way, and amazingly freeing in other ways.

I've identified as nonmonogamous and as a sex worker for almost 10 years. For 10 years sex work and nonmonogamy have both been as important to my identity and existence as being queer or kinky or femme. And this last week, I thought long and hard about if I wanted those things to be a part of my life anymore... and I don't think I do. But it feels complicated to say no to those identities.

Let's start with sex worker. Being a sex worker is a major part of who I am, and honestly, I don't think it'll ever fully leave my system. It can't- I've done porn, and porn is forever. I'll still probably do some porn, and I'll perform with Cum & Glitter, but not for the financial reasons. I think I'm done earning money with my body for a while, possibly forever. I'm sick of always feeling like I need to put up a positive front, that sex work is awesome all the time and has been great for me. In the UK, yeah, sex work was pretty good for me, mostly. There were days where it was incredibly difficult, but I had other jobs that were far worse and more compromising. But here in the US, I feel shitty being a sex worker. I have to make my rates half of what the other sex workers I know ask for, because I'm not under a size 10. I have to put up with way more bullshit, because of my body type, too. I have to worry about getting arrested and losing hold of my dreams, and I'm just not that passionate about it anymore. Hustling made me less than my current job in social media, and I'd just rather do that. It's AMAZING to be admired for my brain and my creativity primarily, and while I don't feel my brain was ignored in sex work, I also don't feel it was as respected. A few clients really shone in making me feel good about working with them, but mostly... I just felt kind of degraded. And it's not really about the sex work- it's about the culture. But I wasn't looking forward to work most of the time anymore, and that's a sign.

I stayed with sex work in part because of the community and the activism. But I've been reflecting, and I realized that I have not really felt part of that community for a couple months. Basically, as soon as I stopped making it to meetings at SWOP due to the new job, the people I worked with there stopped reaching out or spending time with me. It's hard for me to really care about identifying as a sex worker for political reasons when I feel kinda dumped by that community. I just began to feel out of place as soon as sex work was no longer my primary money-earner, and, well, that sucks. So I'm going to pull myself slowly out of sex work, and focus more on having a day job I enjoy. It's just scary to lose something that made me a respected voice- will I no longer be allowed to talk as an authority on sex work if I'm not actively fucking guys for money? Never mind the fact that I feel like a traitor for saying the pressure of sex work has made me really unhappy, and I hate how it's impacted my love of my body by making me feel worthless, ugly, undesirable. There's only so many times one can hear "you're not worth that!" as a sex worker before you start to feel pretty shitty about yourself (again, not the job, but the living in a body-hating patriarchy), but saying that I've felt unhappy at my job feels like letting the side down. I want to let go of it, but it's really, really hard.

Nonmonogamy is the even harder one to let go, because sure, I love sexyfuntimes with other people, who doesn't? I kept hoping that sometime maybe I'd combat my anxiety around it and feel better, but that just hasn't happened. Everything I've tried I've felt more upset and closed off, and so, it's not a priority for me anymore. I don't know why it never occurred to me "maybe you're not nonmono right now" but I have been trying to force myself into that for years now and been miserable about it. Politically, and logically, I'm all for it. Emotionally, it's like digging a stick into my eye.

There's definitely personal sour grapes involved- I think the fact that I'm so devoted to consent culture scares most people off, which is depressing and doesn't give me a lot of faith in the communities I move in. I have never felt as unsexy as I have the last few times I went to play parties and no one flirted with me at all. I'm tired of trying to be nonmonogamous when I'm not entirely convinced I even want other lovers right now- plus I don't want to have to do all the following up, because it makes me feel undesirable. It's a lot of work and chasing and I'm too tired to bother with it, plus I really mostly just want to have sex with the Boy, if I'm honest with myself. I feel like we need to spend a while focused on each other, without a bunch of distractions.

If you weren't at last weekend's Cum and Glitter performance, you missed out. Big time. I'm sorry for you.

I don't have photos of everyone's number, but here's the teaser photos for my scene with Poppy Cox, a delicious pinkish-purple haired bike smut babe who came down from Portland to play the bossy popular Unicorn to my poor hornless freak of a pony.

Of course, being me, I ended up getting my own back...

Quotes from our scene included, "get out of the Enchanted Forest!", "Mommy says I'm special!", "you wish you had a horn like mine", "not ALL unicorns have horns on their heads, you know..." "you better become my friend on Facebook! that's real friendship, right?" and "well, friendship IS magic after all".

I am honored, delighted, amused and inspired by the Cum and Glitter crew. These people are erotic geniuses. Every single performance was sensual, intelligent, and incredibly genuine. I always feel as thrilled as the rest of the audience to see everything come together!

(L to R, Back to Front) Siouxsie Q, Maxine Holloway, Ned Mayhem, Poppy Cox, Arabelle Raphael, Quinn Cassidy,

Cinnamon Maxine, Bianca Stone, Ava Solanas, me!

Vagina Jenkins, UnWoman, Dorian Faust

We also did a panty raffle with some of the panties (!) and I still have mine. I've put them up on Extra Lunch Money- at some point, the scene will go up on Indie Porn Revolution, and you can watch me wank into them on stage while you sniff them! And maybe, just maybe, we'll post up some of the limited edition Cum and Glitter lubricants we made...

I want to give you an idea of the sort of email I get on a weekly basis, so you understand why I am a little crazy in the head and a lot angry at people. This particular abusive missive was ignored til now, as I don't typically check the "other" folder on Facebook.

I didn't know what this was in reference to until I realized it was because I called out someone who used to be a friend when she outed a queer sex worker by name. When I told her that wasn't acceptable, she gave a bunch of excuses- she felt threatened (granted, she threatens violence on a regular basis herself), this other person hates trans* people, they deserved it. When I told her that meant I couldn't trust her, as a sex worker myself, she flipped out and posted about how I'm a terrible trans* ally. Apparently someone read it from there and decided this was an appropriate message to send.

The "who's oppressing you?!?" followed with a stream of fatphobia is pretty amazing.

Hey Kitty. Read your last update and found it pretty interesting. You're clearly hurtling towards lesbian separatism, I thought I'd help you out along the way.

Let me tell you that your post was one of the dumbest fucking things I have read this year. Which would be bad enough if it wasn't also sickening hypocritical. Here's the girl who sits there typing all this 'wah, wah, wah' shit about you can't fucking generalise about lesbians, or trannies, or people of fucking colour, but, hey, it's fine to just go out there and accuse all men of being violent, bigoted and stupid cunts. well, gee fucking whiz!

let me tell what people think of you. and believe me A LOT of your friends (my fellow car-crash spectators) think the same. You are a sad, sad, fat CUNT with an over-confrontational, nasty little attitude because the world don't wanna frost your mellow no more. You sit there on your high fucking horse, posting all your self-righteous and self-obsessed shit, trying to paint yourself as 'oppressed'. Believe me, you ain't. Who's oppressing ya hun? Krispy fuckin Kremes? Don't make me laugh. There are people out there who are genuinely getting shit on by the world - heck, why am I telling ya that. You know it well - you're constantly trying to steal their limelight, to turn yourself into the patron fucking saint of the oppressed. Well, let me tell ya this, Kitty Kalories, you fuckin ain't!

You're one of those lazy, know-it-all, know-nothings who sit there surrounding themselves with internet memes and feelin' all fuckin' superior. and let me tell you ain't. fuck your ponies, fuck your high tea, and fuck your 'society for cutting up men' (replace the word with any other fucking identity group and repost that sentence - i fuckin' dare you!) - there is NOTHING superior about you. gee, if you ever sotpped a foot outside the fuckin' house, rather than sitting there sabre-rattling on your fucking forums, your ass would end up on people of walmart, while you waddlin' down the fuckin' aisle fillin' your trolley with enough cheapo candy to turn a blimp into a pinata. fuck you!

so fuck all your self-righteous controversial shit. you think you're a fuckin' radical? you're just a lazy fat girl sitting behind a keyboard trying to stick it to the man cos they gonna dock her welfare.

Let that be a lesson for you, you sad cunt. Not every trans person agrees with you. Some think you're a pathetic little attention seeker!

You don't give a FUCK about tackling cis-prejudice. It's just all about the Kitty fuckin' Stryker show. Amber stands up against prejudice and makes a point and there you go and slap her the fuck down, flexing your muscles of privilege and prejudice, just because she's taking the attention away from YOU.

You tragic, tragic piece of cis-supremacist shit. You won't be happy till everyone is pitying Kitty Stryker and your sad bunch of diaper-wearing fuck-ups.

This is a regular part of my life as an activist who calls shit out. Sometimes it's just words. Sometimes it's physical threats.

And sometimes it makes me hard as nails. Sometimes it makes me cry.
But man o man, does it teach me that detoxing from toxic people is necessary.

Kink.com has built a reputation for being an ethical porn site who puts the models first and is great to work for. Many a battle against pornography, particularly BDSM pornography, has been fought and won because of their model policies, which set a high standard for how porn can be filmed. I personally struggled with that idea of "ethics" due to some of their policies about who they hire, the whole "virginity" debacle, and their depictions of submissive men or trans women, but I just hoped they'd turn it around.

Well, this month, one of their models, Maxine Holloway, was fired from KinkLive, their cam website, because she was organizing. She was organizing because Kink decided to change their payout policy for camgirls- from one of the best in the industry to one of the worst, with less than a month's notice. As someone deeply involved in sex worker rights, this disappointed me, and I imagine it will disappoint you too. Kink.com is a big part of our sex community- it's time we held them accountable as one.

Details are below: I recommend you vote with your eyes and seek porn elsewhere until they start treating their models like they do their employees.

"This past month a severe pay cut was given to the women who work at KinkLive.com. They needed to save money and they did it by taking it from the models. Instead of staying quiet and taking what they were willing to give us for our work - we united, stood up for ourselves and are taking action to get what we deserve.

During this process I was let go from the KinkLive department.

If you care about worker’s rights, specifically sex worker’s rights, please repost this letter far and wide.

-Maxine Holloway

* * * * * * *

Kink Live Models
1800 Mission St
San Francisco, CA 94110

May 16, 2012

Peter Acworth, Founder/CEO
Jessie Lee, VP Talent
John Sander, VP Marketing
Melinda Perales, VP Human Resources
Tim Lewis, VP Head of Production
Sheila Gunn, Kink Live
Kink.com
1800 Mission St
San Francisco, CA 94110

Dear Mr. Peter Acworth and kink.com executives,

This is a letter from the models who work regularly at the KinkLive.com website. SWOP (Sex Worker’s Outreach Project) is sending this letter on our behalf. There have been some very recent policy alterations within the KL department that are having dramatic negative effects on the models and the department as a whole.

These changes came very abruptly and seem to conflict with the Kink.com Values Statement, Business Practices and Treatment of Models Policy, which seems to be alive and thriving in other departments in the company. We have all been very proud to work for a BDSM company that so explicitly states the rights of models. These are a few lines from the Kink.com Values & Business Practices that we feel have been disregarded within the KL Department:

-We operate with honesty and integrity.
-We treat one another with professionalism and respect.
-We encourage candid, direct feedback.
-Models are given explicit rights.
-Directors are given explicit rules.
-Models are well paid and treated as professionals.
-Kink.com has an unusually low turnover of employees.
-Kink.com has a reputation in the adult entertainment industry for respectful and fair treatment of models.

As KinkLive models, we work to uphold these values and trust that our company does as well. The recent changes have shaken that trust.

The changes occurring in the KinkLive department include withdrawing our flat rate and instilling a commission-only earning system, which makes our pay-out percentage rate much lower than other competitive cam sites. This is particularly alarming because we are expected to do so much more with our bodies than models on other sites: bondage, electricity, implements, fucking machines, pain endurance, humiliation, domination, etc. Plus we act as live advertising and website “tour guides” when people are browsing the Kink.com site to possibly purchase a membership or shoot.

Under the new payment system many models will no longer be able to earn a living wage working for KinkLive. We love our job and do not want to be forced into leaving the company to seek gainful employment elsewhere. Although many of us shoot content for various Kink sites, as well as other porn companies, KinkLive provides steady, consistent work that keeps many of us afloat. We would regret losing the opportunity to have an interesting and challenging job that forms the backbone of our income. We also do not wish to jeopardize our ability to shoot content for other Kink sites; it is KinkLive that we are taking issue with, not Kink.com as a whole.

Furthermore, we are frustrated by the lack of transparency surrounding the change in policy. There was not an official announcement from KinkLive to its models about the new rates until May 7th, well after certain models had already had their wages altered by the new system. Some models were only informed through other models with no information coming from staff at all. Various models were given contradictory information regarding the new payments, making it difficult for us to determine exactly what our wages are.

The email sent to us on May 7th states, “The new pay structure is effective for most models on June 1, 2012”. Not only were we informed of the change less than a month before the date it becomes effective, we also are not being told which models are included in “most models”, or what is happening to those of us not included in this oblique majority. We understand that KL is going through “growing-pains” but the way this was handled came off as very unprofessional and disrespectful.

Since this department has been “operating at a loss for two years” (from the email just sent from KL on 5/7/12) it seems that some advance warning would have been a great way to demonstrate the fact that “Kink.com has a reputation in the adult entertainment industry for respectful and fair treatment of models.” Now we are left with dozens of women who have had their monthly income severely or completely cut without any notice. Honesty and integrity about this issue could have prepared us to make financial changes in advance of the new policies. Prior communication would also have fostered cooperation with us to assist in promotion, increase in revenue for the KinkLive department and prepared us for this change in policy.

Another new development at KL is the restructuring of the rules for public chat to allow more explicit acts in the free chatroom. These new guidelines originally were not laid out for the models, or even mentioned by the staff to the group as a whole with any clarity. Word of this spread by mouth and even by Kink.com members. Whether or not this is a positive change, we as models need to be told clearly what alterations are being made to our shows.

In closing: We, the undersigned models of KinkLive.com, are not satisfied with the new payment system and the ways in which the company has brought it to our attention. We ask to move forward on one of the following options:

1. KinkLive will reinstate the former payment system of a minimum payment per cam show for all models.

2. KinkLive and the models of the site will negotiate a commission-based percentage payment system that will make working for KinkLive viable for all models while making KinkLive a profitable department.

Regardless of the outcome of this situation, we wish to be kept informed of decisions pertaining to our jobs and to be treated with professionalism and respect.

Thank you, Mr. Acworth, for taking the time to hear our grievances.

We designate a SWOP representative and contact person for this matter. We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
The Kink Live Models
*Specific names have been left off of this letter for fear of losing current and future employment with kink.com"

As was witnessed, the fear of losing employment was accurate. Firing people for asserting their rights, especially sex workers, especially from a self-titled "ethical, community-focused" porn company, ESPECIALLY in San Francisco, is not something we should take lightly. We supported the Lusty dancers- now it's time to support the cam models who will be displaced due to this new policy.

Watch more porn, people- just make sure it's ethical!

(title from the Violent Femmes)

Breakups, while painful, are also an excuse for me to delve whole-heartedly into my favourite breakup songs. I have so many, particularly as I am the master of creating mix cd letters to people. It's an art- but it's an art that really comes in handy at certain points. But breakups... breakups are musical. They wail, scream, whisper and plead with the heart. They make space for you to be sad (which is how I felt a little earlier in the week) and angry (which is how I felt later as the implications of the ex's manipulations became unfortunately clear).

I wanted to give my top 13 breakup songs, from bouncy "fuck you" songs to "you're so fucking toxic" to "I'll miss you, but not enough" songs, along with the lyrics that make the pain just so, so sweet for me. I'm also going to add melodramatic photos, cause that's what's awesome about breakups- it's an excuse, finally, to have a meltdown and be vulnerable, which if you're like me, you desperately need.

What are your fave breakup songs?

1. "When You Were Mine"- Cyndi Lauper

"You were kindasorta my best friend/So I was blind /I let you fool around/I never cared/I never was the kind to make a fuss/When he was there/Sleeping in between the two of us"

I was just listening to this one on my record player. I've always had a soft spot for this song, and when Cyndi sings it, it's perfect for either singing to a bi/queer ex girlfriend who went off with a dude or a bi/queer guy who, similarly, went off with a dude. For my queer nonmonogamous life, it's kind of perfect.

2. "Ok, I Believe You (But My Tommy Gun Don't"- Brand New

"Holding on to your grudge/Oh its so hard to have someone to love/And keeping quiet is hard/Cause you can't keep a secret/If it never was a secret to start/At least pretend you didn't wanna get caught"

Brand New is my go to band for emotional music. Just angry enough, super heartfelt, and I love the lyrics. Perfect for driving- you can roll the window down, start off kind of quiet, sad, and a little angry, and get more and more worked up til you're screaming out the window. Best. Processing. Ever. This song is great for the ex in your life who manipulated you, and you sussed them out.

3. "Hedonism"- Skunk Anansie

"Oh how do you remember me/The one that made you laugh, until you cried/I hope you're feeling happy now/Just because you feel good/Doesn't make it right"

I was introduced to this band years and years ago by my second real boyfriend ever out in Scotland. He put Skunk Anansie on the first mix tape he made me (which I still have). Soulful with a touch of edge. And I love how this song is kind of about accountability, and emotional maturity... issues I tend to have with exes, as I'm attracted to hedonists. I don't know why I keep being surprised when they're selfish. NOTE TO SELF.

4. "Not a Virgin Anymore"- Poe

"Before you let another lie/Slip through those crooked little teeth/I don't think you wanna start that shit with me/Much better yet/Tell me something dangerous and true/Oh yeah that looks much sexier on you"

Truth is dangerous. It's a thing people know, so they don't like to offer it up. I love this song not just cause it's like "yep, I'm fucking other people, fuck off" but also really majorly because of the above line. Having experienced multiple times people telling me "I lied cause it was easier and I thought you'd be happier because of it", honesty and trust are HUGE for me. My bullshit meter gets better every day.

5. "Someone is Crazy"- Jonathan Coulton

"You throw your hands up in the air and swear you didn't know/You think the world revolves around you but it doesn't so you sit and spin/Baby, someone is crazy and it's you"

This whole song is brilliant. I don't even know how to explain how brilliant. I love this because OMG it's so accurate for that ex who acts like a twat then whines about being alone. This is a musical clue-by-four for such a person.
6. "Shut Up and Let Me Go"- The Ting Tings

"Now oh so easily your over me/Gone is love/It's me that ought to be moving on/You're not adorable/I was something unignorable"

I'm a big fan of the bouncy "fuck you" song, and this is a great one for being kind of pissed off but not sinking into a full on rage. Also highly danceable, and the music video is really rad. Plus it's a good song for underlining your own eye-rolling feelings when you see your ex trying a little too hard to publicly show off that they're not hurt by the breakup.

7. "Buttons"- Sia

"When will you see that I am carrying this stuff/Walk away from me lover, away from me lover/Can't you see that I am losing my marbles/It's marvellous losing another, losing another"

This is a good one for when you're broken up with the other person and you want to communicate "really, it's for your own good, as well as mine", while also admitting that you're losing your shit somewhat. The music video is fucking weird, and kind of hot, too.

8. "Red"- Elbow

"We've been playing too rough lately/You burn too bright/You live too fast/This can't go on too long/You're a tragedy starting to happen"

This was on a breakup cd given to me. I didn't know at the time it was a breakup cd, and I listened to it over and over on a 12 hour flight trying to figure out what all the songs meant, if there was hope for our relationship or not. Therefore, I feel including this one, which I think sadly communicates "I wish I could keep doing this, but I can't" really well, is important.

9. "Beware"- Bitter Ruin

"Beware, please beware/If you’re gonna get involved with her then tread with care/‘Cause that girl is trouble, take it from me"

I can't be the only person who sees her ex with someone new and wants to pull the other person aside and warn them. You know, granted, that the new lover will just blow you off, because you're the ex, right? But you can have a bittersweet victory when they eventually do see that side of your ex and recoil. This song is for that first contact.

10. "Manhole"- Ani Difranco

"And ignoring the persona you wore for my benefit/For once I had the balls to call it/Just call it/But a lesson must be lived/In order to be learned/And the clarity to see and stop this now/That is what I've earned"

This is another song that I feel encapsulates the feeling of waking up after having been manipulated one too many times by someone who used to be a loved one. Wising up is hard as hell, but man does it feel good when you can take that step back and realize how close you were to falling into someone else's black hole of emotional wreckage.

11. "What A Shame"- Jim Infantino

"Take a knife and stab it in your foot/now there's a reason to be unhappy/now there's a reason to be blue/Take a pill, take a lot, take the orange ones/they made you sick last time/I know you knew/And it just might take the rest of your life/to get over what you're doing to yourself today"

Jim Infantino is a folk singer I grew up listening to, and this song is still one of my favourites. I wish I could find an mp3 of the song online anywhere, but not surprised that I can't. However, I love the sentiment of "you do this to yourself and then whinge about how awful it all is- well, um, STOP IT THEN". I feel that way a lot.

12. "Nothing Can Be Done"- Joni Mitchell

"Must I forgive you/Each time/And say you don't know what you're doing/There are no victimless crimes/I know of/Out here in these graffiti ruins"

Ah, compassion. I try very hard to have compassion for people who hurt me, because we all have our own shit going on, right? But it gets exhausting, sometimes, and you wonder if the person you're forgiving is ever actually going to learn, or if you need to give up and walk away. The line in this song "don't start- my heart is a smoking gun" also really resonates with me.

13. "A Brand New Me"- Bitter Ruin

"And you can claim, upon your mother's life/That you are in the clear, the jury'll pin the blame on me/But I know that you know the lie/And I know that you know there's details you cannot deny

So I will lie defeated here/And though it may take many years, you'll come clean/I will cry repeatedly/But I'll come out the other side a brand new me"

This is the song to put on the end of your breakup mix cd, because it declares hope. It accepts and embraces that you're still kind of hoping for resolution, that the other person isn't as much of an emotionless robot as they're acting like, but also soothes you by pointing out that you know what you did, right and wrong, and so do they- and making them take ownership for their shit? Not your problem anymore. You can grow, and thrive, without them.

And, as a bonus:

14. "Getting Over It"- Tough Love

"Sometimes I wonder how you sleep/But mostly I wonder where you sleep/And I want you/But I'm getting over it/And I miss you/But I'm getting over it/Getting over it"

This song was written by my friend Tobias out in London. The first time I heard it was when The Client and I had split up, and I was incredibly raw from it. This song healed my heart. I hope it helps you heal yours, if you need it. <3

This is all still a little raw for me, but a few days ago, my girlfriend and I split up.

It was mutual, in a way- we both felt like things were stagnating in a place we didn't want to be in. Neither of us was enjoying the sex. We both felt taken advantage of, in different ways. I know she lied to me for months (she called it "managing" me)- she says I lied to her, though I'm still not clear what about. I felt like she was selfish, and enjoyed manipulating me to keep me insecure and striving for her affection- she felt I ignored her when we were out in public. She felt she needed sex for her personal well being- I don't, and that was always a massive fight between us.

It was all a big old mess, characterized by us speaking different languages. At least, that's my "benefit of the doubt" way of thinking about it- it felt (and feels) like I communicated constantly and hit a brick wall, over and over again. In the end, I wrote a long email with detailed examples of issues I was having and a proposal to take a break- her response was to snap that she was going to break up with me anyway, that reading the email was unnecessarily long and didn't matter.

And that really underlined the issue. I would take time to explain something important to me, and she would blow it off unless it interested her. It was a pattern that I had been uncomfortable with for a while. I kept hoping we could move through, though, and I guess that might be why I'm sad she didn't want to. Live and learn.

I haven't cried. I doubt I will- I loved her, sure, but it wasn't that kind of relationship. But I did do my usual routine of watching Eternal Sunshine, and as always, loved this exchange:

Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

Joel: I remember that speech really well.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?

Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.

Clementine: Probably.

Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

Clementine: I know.

As much as I'd like to wipe her from my life so I don't feel the hurt now... she had an unanticipated impact. She was amazing for strengthening my relationship with the boy. And while I might be angry with her... I can, at least, be grateful for that.

I'm sad that we won't likely be friends again. I have many memories with her- like when she comforted me through my cat dying, or the first time I ate chicken hearts, or giggling while she did handstands at Mission Control, or watching her wrestle bears at the Night Market. I live in a neighborhood near where we'd go for sushi, and talked about karaoke. But then, that's what happens, right? Relationships are complicated quilts of emotions.

I'll get over it. I tend to, after all. The scars fade.

I'll miss her.

But not enough.

Trigger Warning: There is stuff on this list that could squick you out, or trigger you in some deep dark places. That's part of why people like these things, but also why it might be hard to read- clowns, dentistry, ageplay, these things stir up some crazy feelings and thoughts in us, visceral reactions. Some people like to play with that, others steer clear- either decision is a-ok! 

I was on Facebook, wasting time, when I came across a link to a post called “Top Ten Strangest Sexual Fetishes". There's tons of these lists out there, and frankly, I haven't seen one that hasn't been shaming people in one way or another: "I guess that I can see a teddy bear’s resemblance to a vagina.  They’re warm, fuzzy, and the only place that they are of any use is in bed," says one, and the almost all use words like "bizarre", "gross", and exclaiming "who could be into this?!?"

I know people are fascinated by fetishes, especially ones they don't know very much about. Yet these articles are almost always exclaiming how freaky these things are, often followed up at the end with a hasty "but we shouldn't judge people on what gets them off, of course". These authors never ask people who are into these kinks why they like them- they just point and mock. And seeing things like "fat admirers" listed, often with some commentary on how fucked up and weird someone must be to find fat people attractive. Um, thanks.

So I got mad. Why are all these depictions so problematic? Because, often, we can't imagine how these things would possibly be hot for *us*, the people who haven't found these kinks on our own. So here's what I propose: I'm going to let someone from each kink speak for themselves, explaining what about it feels sensual for them. And then, I'm going to tell you a little example of how this can be relevant to your own bedroom explorations. After all- don't knock it 'til you try it- you don't HAVE to go to an extreme to enjoy these kinks (though power to those who do)!

1) Human Dollification

Robert M:

A doll is there as an object to be played with, a placeholder person whose personality is yours to create. Dolls are not there to be abused, but to be nurtured and loved - dolls are the toys and playmates of our innocence and continue to be the companions on adventures. Dolls do not belittle, nor do they complain, but are usually nice and politely quiet.

A doll transformation happens in the mind first. The qualities of dolls and statues are very similar, but dolls (or "action figures" if you prefer) are meant to be touched and played with, cleaned up and put away. Regardless if your doll is a rageddy Anne/Andy or a silicone fuck doll, it's owner shows the doll that it has value by carefully cleaning it and making sure it's presentable after playing with it.

Often with a doll, it's presentation to the public is important, since its appearance reflects on its owner. As a thing -a toy- the doll has no responsibility for actions it does or does not do. You wouldn't blame a chair for being knocked over in the middle of the floor any more than you would blame a doll for being carelessly left lying out. No, you would blame the person who left it in that state. So for a doll, there is no burden of responsibility while in the "doll role", while the owner of the doll is given full authority and power to play whatever games they wish with their dolls and any other toys.

How You Could Explore It: Dollification can be a fun aspect to multiple other kinks. Try dressing your lover or undressing them while they're blindfolded, maybe with ear plugs for a real sensory deprivation experience! Or have them lie on a bed and move only when you move them while you kiss, lick, tease and test them with fingertips, toys, or your tongue. It can be a lot like mental bondage- and when they're ready to stop the scene, they can "come to life".

2) Robots

Rhapsody Blue:

"The root of my sexual interest in robots and cyborgs is founded in my fascination with the mind, and with the nature and origins of desire. Secondarily, I have a great interest in functional body modification: customizing the flesh to suit your needs and desires is what cyborgs are all about. Anyone who has ever worn a strap-on or even coloured contact lenses might have a vague idea what I mean.

Artificial intelligence (AI) brings the question of desire and consent to the forefront of any sexual encounter. The issue of to what extent an AI entity’s programming plays a role in that artificial person’s ability to experience desire or indeed to enthusiastically consent is fascinating to me. I am aroused by the thought of AI being able to replicate desire, of how an artificial person may experience and express their desire, of whether their desires might be similar or different to those of humans. Lacking the physiological motivators for sexuality, might a robot still learn to desire physical intimacy for reasons of pleasure, of connection? What form would that pleasure take, given an artificial body without nerves or an anatomy parallel to that of a biological human?

None of my fantasies or role-playing have ever involved robots designed primarily for sex, because enforced sexual programming removes this mystique and the complicated element of consent. Sometimes I fantasize about having a sexual relationship with a computer program, with no real physical body at all. The AI mind is the important part... but some nice sleek metal or an LED interface certainly wouldn’t hurt!

As for cyborgs, it takes bodily autonomy to a whole new level, and I find that incredibly sexy. Why shouldn’t someone desire vibrating implants in their fingertips, in their vaginas, their rectums? Why shouldn’t someone desire a retractable phallus? Why not have saucy messages from a lover or porn projected directly onto your retinas? I dream about high-tech contact lenses or eye implants that enable the wearer to see through surfaces polarized in a certain way -- like the garments of a partner in public, for example.

I am aware of certain problematic elements to my fetish. For example, an obsession with technology does have certain class implications: it isn’t cheap. If companion droids were made available tomorrow, I doubt I’d be able to afford one. There is also the risk of ableism and, as with any fetish, tokenism or dehumanization of the object of desire. For example, I find the sleek, high-performance prosthetics worn by athletes such asAimee Mullins or Oscar Pistorius to be jaw-droppingly attractive. But it is important to know that these people are, well, people... and that they are beautiful for many reasons other than their similarities to the androids and cyborgs of my fantasies.

Fiction is full of inspiration. I fantasize about what the sex scene between Data and the Borg Queen in First Contact might have looked like. Ping, a character in the webcomic MegaTokyo, is essentially a hetero-romantic asexual android girl. Quantic Dream’s powerful Kara concept shocked me to my core (trigger warning for assault on a robot on that link, by the way). And let’s not even start on how excited I am by the thought of Michael Fassbender as an android in Prometheus, okay?"

How You Could Explore It: Much like the dollification, except with movement. You could play around with commands- ordering your 'bot to do things for you like fetch your drink or pleasure you. I can imagine a hot steampunk scene with a robot butler and the Lady of the House! You can, of course, program a robot to love and pleasure you just the way you want them to...

3) Adult Baby

M:

"I lie back, snuggling against my plush toys, gently sucking at the pacifier in my mouth. She coos at me and unsnaps my onesie at the crotch before running her hand attentively over the smooth plastic of my babyishly-patterned diaper. The soft, padded thickness presses against my skin, reminding me that it is there, that I am secure, comfortable. I babble affectionate noises at her. Later she’ll tuck me in and read me a bedtime story. I close my eyes. Loved.

For me, adult baby play is about exploring being more playful and carefree on the one hand and on the other about exploring trust and ways of giving/receiving and understanding affection. I switch, and I enjoy being someone’s loving, caring Daddy and finding ways to make them feel taken care of: whether that means heaping constant adoration on them or knowing how to set strict rules and boundaries and control their behaviour (something I am still learning). Most likely the perfect balance lies somewhere in the middle. That parallel to D/s – finding the balance of care and control – makes adult baby play something that can be explored by those interested in new paradigms for dom/sub dynamics. There’s fun at bath time but also the admonishment of the time out (for toddler play), the caring caress of someone dressing or changing you but also the potential for humiliation play based around wearing diapers or childish clothing in public. The basic premise alone also means significant speech and freedom restrictions, which can be as much a comfort and a letting-go of adult responsibilities as they are constraints. I’ve had this kink as long as I can remember and yet am always finding new ways to explore and express it."

How You Could Explore It: If your partner wants to be the baby, start off with something a little less intense. Take them to a kid's movie and don't let them pay for anything- decide what snacks/drinks they can have, and sit in the back so you can pour their drink into a sippie cup and have them suck a pacifier without anyone else knowing. Having the scene start and end at the movie theatre can give a clear beginning and end to the scene while also not making you have to come up with things to do during that time!

4) Diaper Lovers

P:

I thought I would break down my explanation into two parts: why I like the physical object, and why I like the process associated with it.

Why I Like Diapers

• The plastic of disposables is soft and has a distinctive smell that I associate with romance and eroticism.
• The plastic of plastic pants is soft and has a distinctive smell that I associate with romance and eroticism.
• The crinkle sounds are subtle and sweet, something to listen for that sends a shock of electricity through me when I hear it under an attractive person’s clothes. It immediately tells me that there’s something unusual under their clothing, that I know something intimate about them that others might not.
• Diapers draw attention to the genitals.
• The soft feel and extra squishiness around the genitals adds tactile simulation for the wearer and their partner.
• The smell of baby powder is erotic and alluring.
• As something potentially embarrassing, sharing a diaper fetish increases the intimacy between two people to a level that I imagine is not experienced by most people, or that I cannot experience with people who don’t know about my diaper fetish.

Why I Like Changing

• The ritual draws me in and lets me know that it is time for sex.
• I enjoy the emphasis on genital cleanliness. The genitals can be shaved, wiped, powdered, and rubbed with baby oil or petroleum jelly.
• It focuses wholly on the genital area and is an excuse to gaze at, fondle, explore, and even lick the genitals.
• The inclusion of sex in a changing scene is taboo and exciting–I still never wholly expect it after all this time.
• I enjoy the inherent power dynamic to the position, one person being supine while the other looms over the partner being changed.
• I enjoy the inherent power dynamic to one person making such fundamental decisions about another’s bathroom use, cleanliness, and adult privileges and practices.
• I enjoy the romance implied by the extreme intimacy of a diaper change.
• When I’m being changed, looking up into my partner’s eyes, I feel exposed and accepted. They see all of me–my quirks, my shame, my joy, my fears, my needs–and they still care enough for me to clean me, care for me, and love me completely.

How You Could Explore It: I like that you can incorporate diaper play into everyday humiliation play without anyone being the wiser. Have your partner wear one as you go out to a fancy dinner, and find a reason to pat their ass so you two hear/feel it crinkle. Or it could be added to a bondage scene for practical purposes- you don't have to untie them when they need to pee!

5) Dental Fetish

Cynth Icorn:

"The touch of rubber against my teeth, the scent of the surgery or of mouthwash, the squeak of the linoleum all conspired to drive me insane with lust. It’s not just at the surgery but also with partners- licking teeth, having fingers slowly explore my mouth and throat and all kinds of evil looking dental contraptions make their way into my fetish life.

When I guess at where my dental fetish sprang from I can only remember being sat in History class when the teacher spoke to us about the slave's teeth being checked at auction and it must have stuck. I've always had somewhat fetishistic leanings and so I think the vulnerability, dehumanization and humiliation which that would inspire was very appealing to me. Growing up I had a little more than my share of dental work including a set of braces which were given to me by a strange and sadistic Orthodontist and I had to endure for far longer than I was expected- though by this point my dental fetish was already firmly rooted. I think another aspect which I find stimulating is the transformation of the mouth into an other erogenous zone and equally another potential point for use.

What ever triggered this initially, I can not be sure entirely; but this doesn't deter me, just throw me a sexy smile (perfect, gappy or teeth with braces all welcome) and show me to the chair!"

How You Could Explore It: If you're curious about how this would feel, consider getting some non-latex gloves and a Whitehead ratchet metal gag. Have your lover lightly bound, perhaps blindfolded, then gag them for a sensory experience. Drag your fingers over their skin, playing with sensitive bits, then reach into their mouth to play with their tongue, inner cheeks, and, if you want to tickle them, the roof of their mouth. When you add this with other sensual touch, it can act as an extension of exploring their body.

6) Bloodplay

leena1:

"For me, the most vivid symbol of life is blood. Blood is life. It is a physical representation, in bright red, of our life moving within us. We are not hands and feet, hair or eyes. We are blood. To lay down and make an active choice to let someone see mine, bring it to the surface and let it run down my skin is exposing myself and trusting in the most visceral way possible. To choose to decorate my skin with needles, sutured beads, or lines from a scalpel is to celebrate my body, and all its imperfections, as beautiful. When needles puncture my skin on entrance and exit, my brain gets quiet and the noise of everyday life fades to the background. A scalpel can drag slowly and purposefully across my skin, allowing my brain to sink while simultaneously making it becoming hyper aware of every minuscule movement I make. I lay, absorbing the sensations, my brain quiet of the self conscious energy that normally surrounds it and I just FEEL my body.

What do I feel? My skin and each muscle feel totally separate from one another. I feel like I could slither, boneless across sand, but I have no inclination to move. I feel trails of red running over my skin, maybe created by a knife or scalpel. Warm to cool as the drops of blood move further from the source. I feel fingers trace small puddles of blood from a needle or wet cupping into a picture. I feel beads lay cool against me as the fishing line passes through me and tugs at my skin. I feel needles, laced with thread tug at me and create images from the imagination anchored to my flesh.

As others shudder and many say no way, I have become art."

How You Could Explore It: Curious about playing with blood but not wanting to cut flesh? If one of you menstruates, this could be a fun way to play with blood without having to slice or dice. A sea sponge can soak up a little bit of blood, and you can try finger painting with it. Or if you do another activity (like play piercing) you can play with the residual blood from what you're already doing. Just read up on the potential health issues and take precautions!

7) Vampirism

Rhiannon:

"Being that I'm a vampire fan (the non-Twilight variety), I have always held a deep fascination with blood, particularly taking it from someone else in exchange for my own.  It doesn't have to be real blood, but can be substituted with store bought Halloween blood (prop blood) or homemade edible blood.

Ancient texts and old books of all kinds are full of weird, creepy, critical passages about blood--what you can do with it, what it does to you, what you can not do with it, etc.  I'm a bit of a nerd, so I read a lot and every single time I read about blood it gives me a good shiver.  There is a direct link between fear and sexuality I think.  Often, the things that terrify you (creatures of the night who can kill you if they so wish or not) are also the things that can make you cum the fastest, to put it frankly.  It makes you feel powerful, and for someone who sometimes has self esteem issues, it's wonderful.

There are many different ways to explore a vampire theme in your sexual endeavors.  The blood plays a big part of that, but also there are different reasons why it appeals to me.  A vampire can take control of their partner/victim, and there is a sub/dom relationship that often forms between partners here.  It's a self esteem boost for the dom partner, but that isn't to say that the submissive is without pleasure, too!  There is nothing more satisfying (to me) to have a long, hot romp in hot, wet edible (or not) blood in a situation and environment that allows for imagination, creativity, and sexual appetites to come together for a fantastic culmination of bodies and orgasms.   The props that can be used are endless (fangs, candles and hot wax, crucifixes for fun, costumes, toys, etc) and that alone is enough to get someone off.

Vampires are highly sexual creatures, so it seems natural for me to want to act out or seek out the different ways to be intimate with another person using bloodletting, blood giving, and drinking in the bedroom. Not to mention the fact that the edible blood that I make is made from chocolate syrup, food coloring, and light corn syrup...Pour that stuff all over your bodies and use your mouths, with or without fangs, to live out your ultimate dark undead fantasies.  You just might enjoy it."

How You Could Explore It: Vampires are all about two things- seduction, and biting. They want you to be terrified but offer yourself up anyway. Play with that dynamic with a lover who's tied up while you inhale their scent, comment on their fear, let them struggle while you toy with them. A claw or other sharp feeling toy (I love my throwing knife for this) can feel sharp without being too dangerous, and a quick lick of the tender neck skin feels delicious finished off with a nibble. Fangs optional!

8) Clowns

Sunny Megatron:

"I engage in clown play for different reasons. As a Dominant I enjoy intense psychological scenes. Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) induces crippling terror in some people. A clown costume can be a more effective tool of torture than paddles or whips. As a clown I can reduce a submissive to tears with a simple whisper in their ear. Although I take pleasure in inciting confusion and panic in subs, I also don’t approach my BDSM scenes very strictly. I usually can’t help but crack a joke or giggle in the middle of what should be a serious scene. Role-playing a clown gives me the allowance to go back and forth from jokster to stern tormentor. That erratic change in my personality also adds to the confusion and psychological torture of my sub, satisfying both our needs.

I most enjoy clown play because it’s FUN! Outside of a D/s scene, dressing as a clown is incredibly liberating-- it allows me to transform into a silly, lighthearted character. I have very positive childhood associations with clowns. They represent all that is happy, hilariously ridiculous and carefree. Everything a cheerful clown does is big, all encompassing and fills her from head to toe with joy. When I’m wearing clown gear nothing else but the immediate matters. I can forget about the rent that needs to be paid, the groceries I have to buy and focus fully on the enjoyment.

I have always approached sex lightheartedly while most of my lovers didn’t. They were always so straight faced and serious during love making. It’s the norm in our culture to be embarrassed if you accidentally do something silly while getting it on. While clowning I can embrace that silliness. I can be spanked with a rubber chicken or have a giggling lover lick banana cream pie off my breasts. If I fall off the bed, I don’t feel ashamed-- I just belt out a goofy laugh and hop back up. Sex is an incredibly silly act. We put ourselves in goofy positions, make ridiculous faces and shriek out crazy noises. Trying to approach that in a serious manner seems unnatural to me."

How You Could Explore It: I love being people's first clown! It can be a very playful kink, or terrifying if the other person has a fear of clowns. I quite like roleplays involving a bratty birthday child and an indulgent adult who's made to look ridiculous through clowning. It also lends itself to balloon play, splosh, and other ageplay scenarios. Don't forget- floppy shoes make great spanking instruments (as do rubber chickens). You'll look ridiculous, and it'll be just fine.

9) Balloons

Balloon Sex:

"It begins as a simple piece of rubber. With quivering breaths it begins to grow. The familiar aroma of stretching latex fills the air as inhales become heavier. The sound of exhales filling the sack become uneven as its neck gets moist from the blowers lips. The once flaccid shape is now firm and swelled in size. How much more it can take is never exactly known before it explodes.

While I was growing up, I had a fear of loud noises. Playing around with balloon popping privately was one of the ways I tried to get over this anxiety. Interestingly, I ended up finding out that once I moved past my fear, it was an added rush instead! Now I find them to be pretty erotic."

How You Could Explore It: Have you ever seen burlesque using balloons? It's kind of sexy and fun- as they pop the balloons ore of their skin gets exposed. This could be fun for a balloon lover to wear and then do a little strip tease for their partner, or for a balloon lover to be teased by their latex-clad sweetie. An inflatable dildo  or butt plug can also add a sense of balloon play into your sex- or use a long balloon as a gag, with a consequence if they bite into the balloon because of what you're doing.

10) Electroplay

Hercules the Pleasure Coach:

"My tastes and preferences vary, of course, but as of late I have been especially interested in sensation kink; thus, on the top of my list have been electro play, fire play and ice play.  As a Dominant, the variety of the diverse sensations has been amazing for my submissive.  Of course the use of these types of play are seen as extreme and are less accepted because of our pre-programing that electric, fire and ice are bad things; they hurt and they are dangerous and you should stay away from them by all means.  For me? No way, my submissive and I embrace the hurt and enjoy it.

As a Dominant I am not the one that receives the Electrical Play, instead I give it to my submissive.  I enjoy the aspect of creating intense but natural sensation using natural elements like electricity, fire and water.  By using the element of electricity you create this unique and stinging sensation.  It is also greatly arousing for me watching my submissive's shocked reaction from being shocked!"

How You Could Explore It: The most inexpensive way to try electroplay is with an electric flyswatter, which delivers a sharp shock and can be fun on a bare bottom or against a sensitive nipple. But they can also be a little painful for some! A TENs unit can be purchased relatively cheaply, and stimulates your muscles into jumping involuntarily, which can be kind of fun. Personally, I love the smell of ozone from a violet wand... it gets me wet pretty quickly!

There's a great toy box guide on the topic you can explore as well- as always, read about this play, as it can be dangerous playing with electricity if you don't consider things like electricity going through the heart.

11) Vomit

D.B.:

"Vomit--more specifically, making someone else vomit--isn't a fetish I went looking for.  It's something that literally fell into my lap during deep-throat fellatio.  I was on my knees, holding my lover's head in my hands, keeping her head and neck perfectly still while I thrust myself in and out of her mouth.  She was groaning and gagging, and then all of a sudden I felt this warm, wet substance tumble out of her mouth onto the base of my cock.  I didn't even understand what had happened until the smell hit me.  While I wouldn't say I seek it out on purpose, vomiting during sex is something I don't exactly go out of my way to avoid, and it gives me a special rush when it does happen.

As a sexual dominant, I get off on the voluntary surrender of control by a submissive partner for my pleasure.  Sometimes I like to test my partner's resolve, to see how hard she is willing to work to resist the urge to pull away from an uncomfortable or painful sensation.  Having someone submit to my prolongued physical torment, even to the point where her body begins to involuntarily physically reject me, is a huge turn-on for me.  It makes me feel powerful, honored and loved, not only to have someone submit to me so completely, but also to give my submissive partner to live out her fantasy of surrender."

How You Could Explore It: While some people are turned on by the idea of a lover giving them what is called a "Roman shower", typically the personification of this fetish is someone gagging and vomiting a little while giving head. That's happened to me before accidentally! So maybe a way to explore this is through conscious deep throating, where the top gives the bottom some space to do as much or as little as they like. And have some ginger beer handy- helps wash out the mouth and settle the stomach!

12) Splosh

Mendhi Henna:

"So I didn't even know this kink had a name for a while. it started off as a performance piece based on the line "dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians" - I had a tray of sweet toppings & invited the audience (mostly queer women) to paint me & eat it off me. It was when I pitched the idea to another event that I heard the term "splosh" and found out how deep a fetish it was.

I think I must be a candybar, because I love being consumed - licking sucking biting devouring all those good things. I love the feel of syrups and sugar on me, and I especially love being ravished by people who think I'm the sweetest thing! One time I did this performance and had a strong sense of being Divine, everyone worshipping me and my beauty (which, as a lumpy brown chick, means a LOT) and eating me up. Also I smell delicious for days ;)

I've had one sexytimes partner do splosh with me in private - it's just as yummy. haven't found too many others though! Ah well, at least I get away with calling it art!"

How You Could Explore It: Whipped cream and/or chocolate syrup are not too scary to start out with, though jello wrestling as a long tradition. The main fun of splosh is getting messy in a way that you typically restrain yourself from- I tried eating pasta with my hands once to get a similar sensation of naughtiness and mess-making, so you can always try that too! Just try it in the tub first, and keep sugars away from the pink bits.

13) Furry

True Pleasures:

"Furries aren't really a fetish so much as a fandom. Yes, you have furries that are "furverts" and are interested in furry porn and erotica, but not all furries are this way, and it's unfair to categorize being furry as a fetish. Some are just in the fandom to express a part of their personality and/or to have fun. I guess you would categorized me as someone who's in-between; I'm not interested in furry porn, but I do have a fursona (furry self) that's very much a part of me, and loves her werewolf-ish fluffy hubby and anthro sex toys, which are appealing more because of the shape/colors/textures than the creature they're modeled after.

I think a good amount of people are put off by furries because they think they're into zoophilia. While the rare few may be, zoophiles and furries are not the same thing. Being a furry does not mean that person is into bestiality. Afterall, I'm a furry and the thought of that makes me very uncomfortable. Really, being a furry really isn't much different from cosplay and larp (live action role play). Some people identify more with their fursona, and can act more freely and uninhibited through them. They enjoy dressing up or just role-playing their fursona to get away from reality and enjoy themselves for a while. There are also others that feel that they really are their fursona, and that would include me. I'm very cat-like, so it's just natural for me to have a feline fursona. For me, it's really all a bunch of fairly innocent playfulness."

Note: I included this here because I have encountered people for whom their fursona is a sexual being, but even then, the fursona isn't a *fetish*, the sex is just part of living as that fursona. So, with that in mind...

How You Could Explore It: Unsure if you want to do the full furry thing, but want to try being part animal out a bit? You can always cosplay a character that's already anthropomorphized... or you can explore it's kinky cousin- pet play. Pet players aren't necessarily furries and vice versa, of course, but there's some cultural exchange. Give partial puppy or kitty play a try- merge animal characteristics in with your human one, don some ears and a tail, and see how it feels to be animalistic. Go a step further and fit your human puppy with a dog cock dildo.

Bonus!

14) Tentacles

Ok, I'll speak on this one.

My first vibrator looked like a tentacle, and I've been obsessed with tentacle shaped toys of all sorts as long as I've been old enough to purchase them. I watched tentacle porn religiously, fascinated. I think personally my interest in part sprang from liking the idea of being penetrated by something not human- something that would just take me, no conversation, no backing out. I had a lot of rape fantasies as a kid and this was just another one.

I also loved the fact that tentacle creatures have multiple tentacles and liked to double/triple penetrate their victim, often while holding them down- the idea of being so overwhelmed with sensation and unable to get away is still hugely erotic to me! And I've always been drawn to the sea, the murky depths, the unknown creatures down there. It's a mixture of horror and helplessness that I found (and still find) really appealing.

How You Could Explore It: Tentacle porn is almost exclusively rape smut and as such is kind of overboard for many people (though it's also ridiculous so might be easier to start with). I prefer to let me tentacle play be with all sorts of sexy toys- there's a pink glass one that's lovely, or this silicone one, or you can get a whole squid dildo (as seen in the photo above!)

So maybe you'll find that you've discovered a new thing to try. Maybe you'll just stop yourself from looking weirded out when someone tells you about their lesser-discussed kink. Not everyone's into shibari, people, lighten up! And most of all, maybe next time someone does one of these articles... they actually make an attempt to be respectful and open minded about it.

Thanks to all the rockin' people who submitted!

“When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when I think life is over.”
― Audrey Hepburn

I've moved into my own apartment now, which is a really great change of pace. I'm finding I like cooking my own food, not needing to make light conversation about things I don't care about, watching movies til late into the night on my laptop.

But I'm also finding that I'm pretty lonely. I used to have access to a car, which made meeting up with people easy- now, I have to depend on public transit or the kindness of friends, which cuts down on my social time somewhat. And it's made me very conscious of how I have two lovers and yet most of my time is spent on my own. Which is, of course, fine in theory... but in practice, I have this queen sized bed all to myself and no one to share it with 90% of the time. It's a bit of a letdown, though can't be helped. It's a holding pattern, and I know that, but telling my heart that proves difficult at times.

It's led me to have a lot of time to think, too, which means the head weasels have been out in full force. I find myself wanting to demand more attention from my lovers, but also more conscious of their time commitments- my sole timesuck being writing, writing, always writing. And yet I find it hard to focus. My mind wanders, and I find myself checking Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Fetlife- all these social media sources providing little pangs of FOMO and jealousies. I keep hoping if I immerse myself in it, grimly, I'll begin to get over it or even have compersion, but instead I find my heart sinking and no amount of logical scolding will prevent it. It's hard sometimes to feel popular or beautiful when my much-more-conventionally-attractive lovers are out having fun, hooking up, flirting and I'm trying to restart my business, write about consent culture, or doing my work for SWOP or C&G Productions.

I'm feeling selfish, and I'm ashamed of it.

And I know it's ridiculous. I hate feeling bitter. I hate having nightmares wherein one of them turns on me and I wake up confused and feeling unloved and not even really being able to say why except "I had a dream and you decided you were done with me and tried to murder me and now I feel weird", because that's crazy, right? My lovers have been perfect at taking care of me, they've made time for me, so how ungrateful am I? Both of them are lovely about stroking my ego, and have been really sweet about my emotional flailing- they've probably overindulged my need for reassurance, and I feel guilty for needing it in the first place. But I don't know what to say, or what to ask for to feel better, because I know what I think I need and it's unreasonable. I just wish it'd go away, as this isn't helping anyone. I wonder, in fact, if it's a minor depression, because it doesn't seem to be based on anything actually happening, except, perhaps, this sudden living alone- the first time I have, ever.

And I also know it comes from overextending myself when it comes to activism. Feeling drained does this to me.

Strangest of all? I miss working. I miss the ego boost and how beautiful I feel and having an outlet for pleasure and the novelty of seeing someone new. Restarting in a new city is always hard, so I'm taking the time to improve my website and redo my photos. But I miss the companionship of clients who worship my body and my mind. I miss the sense of connection. I miss the ease of touch.

I know what I need to do. I need to have a couple of one night stands and shoot some porn and some new sexy photographs and get out of my head back into my body for a while. I need to write some real-life porn about hot sex I'm having... and I need to have the hot sex to write about. I need my muse to stop being anger and start being sultry. It's spring, goddamn it, and I need to shake off these frigid winter blues.

Crossposted on Fetlife and Consent Culture.

So in the interest of my own mental health I stepped away from Consent Culture discussions for a few weeks. I'm happy to see that people are still thinking critically about what consent means, both interpersonally and in the greater context of the altsex scene (never mind the rest of the world). I do feel, however, that there's a quick review that needs to be had on what my goals with Consent Culture are, as they seem to be getting confused. These mistaken ideas are in bold, with my explanation underneath to clarify. 

1) Consent Culture Hates Consensual Nonconsent

-Not at all. Consensual nonconsent is totally part of my envisioning of consent culture, if it involves informed consent and if both parties feel they can walk away from the scene/situation safely if they so choose. Personally, if you have the financial ability to say "screw this" and get out of your relationship, rad. If you are encouraged to maintain your own friends, awesome! Consent Culture is about thinking critically about these dynamics of power we play around with and maintaining as close to 100% consent as is humanly possible, while keeping in mind things like social pressures/context. Consensual nonconsent can fall under that. I do think it's important to at least have a discussion with a top type person before you sign away access to money and stop talking to your own friends and family, though, as those are often two things that make it much harder to get away from a relationship that turns abusive. It does not mean that consensual nonconsent is always abusive.

2) Consent Culture Believes In The Victim/Abuser Binary

-Definitely not. Consent Culture, the way I see it, is about recognizing that people fuck up, that consent is complex and influenced by many factors, that boundary-crossing does not automatically mean you are an abusive asshole and never a victim yourself or that having your boundaries crossed means that you are incapable of being abusive. Yes, if someone is a repeat offender, repeatedly gets defensive when called out and tries to silence the victim, I will be pretty suspicious that they "just fucked up". But as a whole, I think that society encourages some messed up forms of communication that make it relatively easy to mean well and fuck up anyway. The question is how do you manage it afterwards. I would like to see more discussion around consent simply because I think acknowledging that it's complicated is a great first step to figuring out how to make it somewhat less so, particularly in communities that say how consent is important to them- altsex folks should be excellent at thinking critically about these issues, because we're already moving outside of the norms.

3) The Opposite Of Consent Culture Is Rape Culture

-There's a reason when Maggie and I started this thing we talked about entitlement culture instead of rape culture, because rape is a triggering word and, frankly, not the most accurate. The issue at the core is the idea of combating entitlement to certain behaviours. Rape is an aspect of that, as is abuse, but it also covers things like racism, classism, sexism, ableism, sizeism, Twue Domism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. Which is why, rather than just talking about rape, we try to talk about the various ways oppression and marginalization intersect within altsex communities. Because if we want to turn this shit around, we need to address the core issues, and the best way to do that is to start talking about them.

4) Consent Culture Is About Us Vs Them

-No no no. Definitely not! I have come out as having been the victim of abuse in BDSM and also being an abuser in BDSM by crossing boundaries for just this reason. Again: this is not a binary. We have the potential to be both Us and Them, depending on the situation. This shit is complicated, and I challenge anyone to say they communicate perfectly and there's never been a misunderstanding or that they've always asked for exactly what they wanted and gotten just that. We're all muddling through here. Which is why I hate the idea of "white knights" in this discussion- I don't think having this concept of "protecting" people or "banishing" others is useful except for in circumstances where someone refuses to take a step back and educate themselves. Usually, what we need more of is education in things like verbal and nonverbal consent cues, body language, spacial awareness, representation, things like that. There are some people who go looking for trouble, granted- but the more we talk about complexity, being humble when someone says you crossed their boundaries, and supporting assault victims, the more agency we're giving everyone involved in altsex and the clearer it will be (in my opinion) when someone doesn't give a fuck.

I hope this makes sense- it's late, I'm tired, but I wanted to at least start by clearing those things up. And I am really glad that the discussion continues. My anger really flares only at people who want to shut these discussions down to maintain some screwed up status quo even though people are saying it's not safe for them. If I thought this was really unfixable and people in altsex were all abusive dipshits who don't want to learn, I wouldn't have bothered starting all this in the first place with Maggie. I have some faith that we're mostly geeks here, and geeking out about complicated social constructs is part of what we like to do- we like to hack those constructs and create our own that work for us, in all their diversity. And that's rad.

I just want to challenge the idea that things are perfect as they are and critically analyzing our own communities is anathema.

Carry on.