This is all still a little raw for me, but a few days ago, my girlfriend and I split up.
It was mutual, in a way- we both felt like things were stagnating in a place we didn't want to be in. Neither of us was enjoying the sex. We both felt taken advantage of, in different ways. I know she lied to me for months (she called it "managing" me)- she says I lied to her, though I'm still not clear what about. I felt like she was selfish, and enjoyed manipulating me to keep me insecure and striving for her affection- she felt I ignored her when we were out in public. She felt she needed sex for her personal well being- I don't, and that was always a massive fight between us.
It was all a big old mess, characterized by us speaking different languages. At least, that's my "benefit of the doubt" way of thinking about it- it felt (and feels) like I communicated constantly and hit a brick wall, over and over again. In the end, I wrote a long email with detailed examples of issues I was having and a proposal to take a break- her response was to snap that she was going to break up with me anyway, that reading the email was unnecessarily long and didn't matter.
And that really underlined the issue. I would take time to explain something important to me, and she would blow it off unless it interested her. It was a pattern that I had been uncomfortable with for a while. I kept hoping we could move through, though, and I guess that might be why I'm sad she didn't want to. Live and learn.
I haven't cried. I doubt I will- I loved her, sure, but it wasn't that kind of relationship. But I did do my usual routine of watching Eternal Sunshine, and as always, loved this exchange:
Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.
Clementine: I know.
As much as I'd like to wipe her from my life so I don't feel the hurt now... she had an unanticipated impact. She was amazing for strengthening my relationship with the boy. And while I might be angry with her... I can, at least, be grateful for that.
I'm sad that we won't likely be friends again. I have many memories with her- like when she comforted me through my cat dying, or the first time I ate chicken hearts, or giggling while she did handstands at Mission Control, or watching her wrestle bears at the Night Market. I live in a neighborhood near where we'd go for sushi, and talked about karaoke. But then, that's what happens, right? Relationships are complicated quilts of emotions.
I'll get over it. I tend to, after all. The scars fade.
I'll miss her.
But not enough.