Greta Christina posted an invitation for sex worker voices to be heard on her blog as a retort to that post that went up last week, wherein blogger Taslima Nasreen said that sex work was always exploitative and horrible for everyone involved:

As regular readers of this blog know, my fellow blogger in the Freethought Blogs, Taslima Nasreen, wrote a post a few weeks ago positing that all prostitution is always patriarchal oppression, always sexual exploitation, always sexual violence, that women are always forced into it, that it is never a vocation choice, that it is always human rights abuse, that all of it harms women.. I wrote a post in response, saying that I understood that there were often terrible abuses in the sex industry and that many prostitutes are forced into the work, and that of course I fervently opposed this — but also saying that there are many sex workers who freely choose the work, and like it, and do not find it abusive or exploitative.

Nasreen and I had a private email conversation about this. I’m not at liberty to disclose her side of that conversation. But I will tell you that I asked her, repeatedly, to put up a post on her blog asking sex workers what their actual experience was working in the sex industry — so she could hear for herself the tremendous variety of experiences that prostitutes and other sex workers have, and so she could take those experiences into account when she considers the questions of how abuses in the industry should be handled.

As of this writing, she has yet to do this.

So I’m going to do it myself.

I'm a little frustrated that there's a lot of defensiveness when people have written and said their experience was really bad. I understand it- often these people say that no one could ever willingly go into sex work, that it's obviously degrading and bad for people, etc. I understand the desire to say "hey, wait a minute, speak for yourself here!" Sex workers are told all the time how they must feel like we have no consciousness of our own. it's annoying.

But I can also understand that when you've had a traumatizing experience, it *is* really confusing how other people don't share that experience. Like when someone tells me that they voted Republican, I am completely accusatory- "how can you do that knowing all the bullshit that has come from that party! WTF is wrong with you!" because, to me, voting Republican is voting for all sorts of homophobia, sexist, racist, classist bullshit. But then, I'm not really listening- they might have some reasons I hadn't considered, and if I take a step back and try using non-violent communication, we can both walk away potentially having learned something, even if we still go our different ways at the end of the day. In that way, I appreciate the nuanced stories.

Here's my answers to the interview questions- probably you all know this anyway, but just in case!

-Why did you get into the sex industry?

I was working three jobs at the local mall, with next to no time for myself, and I was still barely scraping by as I was being paid minimum wage. I was severely depressed, my quality of life was crappy, I didn’t know what to do. I moved to California to live with family, and ended up answering an ad to work as a pro domme in a local dungeon. I hated the space and the madam, but loved the work- so I went independent and started charging more. Then I moved to the UK and decided to try my hand as prostitution, as it was legal there. I discovered my favourite was combining sex and kink, so I stuck with that.

Ultimately I chose sex work because I could control my own business and marketing, take time off whenever I wanted, and made more in an hour giving a hand job than I did in a week juggling three shitty jobs. My quality of life was increased and I had more time to follow my other passions- school, activism, writing.

-Did you freely choose this work? Were you in any way forced or coerced into it? Were you pressured into it by economic or other pressure?

Well, I freely chose this instead of my other options. I could work in an office- I tried it, I hated it, I felt exploited and depressed by my lack of independence and value there. I could work at a restaurant, but the hustle for tips doesn’t appeal at all. I could work retail again. Ugh. I do freelance writing and social media marketing, and then I have sex for money here and there to supplement. Yes, the money is a part of that decision process, but I don’t know that I felt pressured into it, except by my own desire to have more personal time and less time catering to other people.

-Why did you go into the particular lines of sex work that you did?

I was already in open relationships and kinky, so figured why not do what I like? Also being a fat girl meant that stripping wasn’t suitable. I tried webcam but found those clients annoying and the hustle humiliating for me, especially as I would get insulted regularly on some sites. :/ The lack of respect sucked. In person, I was treated like a proper courtesan- probably because that’s how I focus my ads and marketing style, to get those sorts of clients.

-What, if anything, do you like about the work?

A lot of things! My freedom, mostly. I like being able to take time being ill, or travelling, or fighting for sex worker rights, while not panicking about the electricity being shut off. I love talking politics with my clients, who really listen and ask questions and enjoy my brain. I love meeting new people and figuring out what makes them work. I love creating space for men to be vulnerable. I love helping clients with disabilities discover how they can invoke more sensual/sexual energy in their lives. I love helping trauma victims learn how to accept sensual touch again, and how to state their boundaries. I often leave my job feeling like I’ve really made a difference and that’s rad.

-What, if anything, do you not like about the work?

The social stigma and oppression. I hate that I can never have a bad day at work without people jumping on me and saying I should quit. That never happened when I worked in the marketing dept. I hate knowing I can’t report violence against myself or sex worker friends because the police will laugh and/or abuse us further. I hate feeling like my safety is at risk when I see a new client. I hate that legalities insist I can’t negotiate a scene on the phone or via email, which leads to potential misunderstandings and issues. I hate when people judge me because I have sex for money, regardless of how articulate or well-adjusted I am. I hate all the dead hooker jokes that suggest on some level my death would be funny.

-On the whole, do you like the work, dislike it, or feel neutral about it?

I like the work. I hate working in the US. I hate fearing the cops, and knowing that johns can attack me and have limited consequences. I hate the way people feel they can make judgments about me without knowing me, simply because of the work I do. I hate feeling like I have to constantly fight to be heard or respected when it comes to my own autonomy.

But that’s not because I have sex for money, or because I spanked men for money. That’s because the system oppresses consensual adult people doing sex work to “save” us. THAT’S what I ultimately hate.

-What are your feelings about your customers?

I’m privileged in that I have other income so can turn clients away. I have found all my British clients bar one to be immensely respectful, sweet, easy going, and careful of my boundaries, along with finding them actually interested in sex work politics. So I really like them, and I care about how they’re doing and am happy to see them again. I think they’re great people who treat me well.

I have not had as good of an experience with American men, which is interesting. I wonder if the legality and the difference in social stigma makes a difference- I can’t see why it wouldn’t.

-Have your feelings about the work changed with time?

I used to be more frivolous about it- now it’s a career for me. I do job training in various specialities- sex and disability, erectile dysfunction, massage, dirty talk, dirty dancing, etc. I market myself uniquely and regularly. Before, it was something I treated as a lark- now I treat it like a business. A business I enjoy running, mind, but also take seriously.

-If you still work in the sex industry, do you feel free to leave it?

Sort of. It’s more complicated than yes/no. The market is bad, finding jobs isn’t easy, and, while I maintain a fairly low standard of living (I live in a cheap place, cook a lot of my own food, don't go shopping for clothes much) and am happy with that (so don’t need to worry about maintaining a standard) the ease with which I can earn money or, more importantly, take time off, is really valuable to me. I *could* leave, but my standard of living would decrease drastically. More likely, I’ll move back to London and work legally there, down the line.

-Is there anything else you want people to know about your experience of sex work?

Sex work is complicated, because our relationship to sex and our relationship to money is fucked up. But for me, sex work is anti-capitalism and a freedom of choice. I am happier doing it than I was doing anything else, and I’m going to keep fighting to make it as safe as possible for other sex workers.

It's been a little while since I posted a toy review, but I've been enjoying this particular toy on my own. Maybe I didn't want to share how much I liked it? Who knows! But it's so perfect for this springtime weather with its little pink butterfly, so it seemed like a good time. After Sex and the City's discussion of the rabbit style vibe, similar toys have been popping up all over the place, of variable quality!

This is the Royal Butterfly, sent to me by MyPleasure a few months ago. It's a dual action vibrator with five bands of crystal beads in the shaft that rotate (in both directions!) and a butterfly shaped vibe for your clit. It's about 10.5" from tip to top, with 6.5" insertable and about 1.5" in diameter- not too big, but not unnoticable either.

As for the controls, there's two sets, one for the butterfly and one for the shaft. Each one has three settings to give you some variability in sensation. I found the beads in the shaft to be perfectly positioned to feel really lovely inside my cunt.

The butterfly, meanwhile, was a little too buzzy- I prefer a stronger vibration typically- but I did like that the butterfly was large, allowing my labia to be stimulated as well. And even cooler- the butterfly is adjustable, so you can sculpt the shape to fit right where you like it, a good feature and potentially useful for people with disabilities so they can adapt the toy to work!

The size is really what sold this for me- I'm new to the dual-vibration toys, but the ones I've had tend to be either too thick or too thin. The 1.5" diameter was just right to feel full without feeling overwhelmed, or like there was too much sensation going on. Plus it was easy to insert and use, not being too overly long.

I think this would make a fabulous initial toy for someone curious about dual-use vibrators. The vibration is fairly strong (though not as strong as a hitachi) and about middling when it comes to noise. You'd probably hear it in the same room, but not in another room with the door closed, if you know what I mean.

It's made with a pink Phthalate-free TPE, so you can't boil this to sterilize (you likely wouldn't anyway, due to the vibrator pack!) so instead you'll want to wipe it down with toy cleaner or hot water and soap. It's waterproof but I wouldn't necessarily submerge it in water just in case! It takes 3 AA batteries and is easy to load up.

All in all, the Royal Butterfly is a good all-around first rabbit-style vibrator, particularly for people who have wrist issues and might benefit extra from the adjustable butterfly. And it's currently half off at MyPleasure, making it an even better buy! If you're in the market for a toy that'll penetrate and vibrate at the same time, without breaking the bank, the Royal Butterfly is the toy for your needs. Thanks MyPleasure for sending me one in exchange for a review!

In case you're hiding under a rock, you'll know that I am now writing for the Huffington Post, mainly about sex worker rights. It started with a piece on sex workers and freedom, both in the Wild West and now on the Internet (619 comments!)- then there was a piece on sex work stigmas and how frustrating it is to be continually told your voice is invalid. I'm fascinated that the first one, posted in the "women" section, has been hosting comments far more rabid and rude to me than the second, which is hosted on "gay voices". As a queer sex worker, too, it feels validating to be up there under "gay voices".

On that note, I also got to shoot for Courtney Trouble and NoFauxxx.com! We did two sets really, one that was a little more femme and fashion-y, and the other was a butchy femme jerk-off scene with my Rodeoh harness and vamp cock. The teaser photo is the one shown here- I can't wait to see the rest! In the meantime, you can check out some of the scenes from Cum & Glitter, which are now on No Fauxxx's site... oh yeah, and the next Cum & Glitter, I'll be performing with the megahot Miss Poppy Cox of Bike Smut infamy, so you may wanna keep an eye out for tickets!

I also got a copy of the book "Stretched" which has a hot story I wrote about a chance encounter with a stranger on a train that turned into a hot elevator encounter... it's actually a true story, too! It's also sort of the beginning of the story of getting my first strap on harness and cock. Oh, and look at me now, eh? Kristina Lloyd also has an amazing story in "Stretched" that made me shiver. It also has a sexy man on the cover along with a woman, FINALLY. Check it out!

I'm moving to my new flat next week and away from Grandma, which I'm excited and nervous about. Getting all new apartment stuff is stressful even as it's kind of fun to do. Plus I want to start planning more Consent Culture workshops across the US and that takes monies! If you're able to donate to my fund (purrversatility at gmail via paypal), I'd be super appreciative- I'm getting back into the work rhythm but it takes a little time to rev up.

Another reason I'm hoping for a financial pick-me-up is because my parents have given me their old car- which is out in Massachusetts. This means road trip across the US with the car (and my boyfriend, and possibly my mother)- awesome fun, and yay, car, and finally freedom from using grandma's car all the time, but also... I've been working so hard on activism (I've been elected to the board of SWOP Bay) and traveling to present CC that I've been cobbling together an existence via a hope and a prayer. So donations or job leads in the Bay would be totally rockin' so I can move on away from grandma's toxicity into a safer, more stable place. I've had a few friends donate already (and thank you so much for that!).

So, exciting new things, for sure! I just hope I can keep up with them all!

An article was posted on April 1st by Samantha Brick, a writer working for that lovely rag the Daily Mail, wherein she complained about how other women seem to "hate her for being pretty". Ms. Brick has pissed off a lot of people before- she's suggested that it's reasonable for a husband to dump you if you get too fat, that using sex to get ahead at work is the only sensible thing, and how to be the perfect French housewife. She was outraged that "Just As Beautiful", a magazine catering to fashionable fat women, existed as she felt it only encouraged obesity and laziness. She's not exactly known for nuance, analysis, or, well, quality material.

This one was no different. Reading the piece, I disliked her for being vapid, self-obsessed, and not thinking critically about the fact that a) all the male attention (and her acceptance of it, cheerfully) underlines an entitlement men have to attention/a smile/acknowledgement from a woman they have an attraction to and b) suggesting that the ultimate of female beauty comes from being able-bodied, cisgendered, white, blonde, slender femme. And a lot of other people recoiled as well, or outright dismissed the article as just click-trolling for pageviews.

It's worth pointing out how many people, men especially, reacted by putting her down... around her looks. Hm.

Some men from time to time use beer goggles at weekends.@SamanthaBrick however must get daily use out of her own beer mirror.

If you're going to write an article about how hard life is when you're pretty, at least be pretty @SamanthaBrick

Men! Be warned .@SamanthaBrick is a champagne vortex. I've already ordered a case online just from looking at her profile.

While women seem to be mostly pointing out that it has more to do with her personality:

@SamanthaBrick oh love, they don't dislike you because you're beautiful they dislike you you because you're arrogant and self centred

@SAMANTHABRICK Women don't like you because you're self absorbed and deluded, it has nothing to do with your looks.

Erm, I dunno. I think none of @samanthabrick's friends asked her to be a bridesmaid b/c she's a self-obsessed asshole.

While I agree that she seems rather vapid and lacking in critical reflection skills, I also feel that responding by being snarky about her appearance is caving into that same patriarchal privileged bullshit she's saying rather than deconstructing it. What does it matter if we personally find her attractive? She does demonstrate the hallmarks of attractiveness in this culture, as dictated by the media- female, femme, blonde, white, cisgendered, slender. I hate that  Vice responded with "humour"- humour that was fat- and transphobic.

HOWEVER, I also think that female competitiveness is a frustrating problem. Women are incredibly cruel to other women about their looks (usually body-related, but sometimes general lack of conformity to some "standard" like no makeup or keeping body hair), and we put each other down constantly rather than deconstruct privilege. I'm thinking a lot about adult "Mean Girls" situations, social exclusion, and rumours in the office (women make up 40% of workplace bullies but 70% of their victims are other women). Hell, I've done it a lot- I actually didn't speak to Penny at first cause she was very beautiful and therefore I figured she was a bitch- it took her driving me to a porn shoot and us chatting for me to realize we were really similar. We watch TONS of shows on women being catty with each other- Real Housewives, Bad Girls Club, Millionaire Matchmaker, Jersey Shore... I can go on. It is a serious issue.

Sure, most of Ms. Brick's article sounded like a pity party, but there was one thing she said that made me sit up and take notice. I actually can agree with this part:

"So now I’m 41 and probably one of very few women entering her fifth decade welcoming the decline of my looks. I can’t wait for the wrinkles and the grey hair that will help me blend into the background.

Perhaps then the sisterhood will finally stop judging me so harshly on what I look like, and instead accept me for who I am."

I'd just replace "accept", which makes assumptions on how others would respond to her, to "judge". I mean, she comes off as an unpleasant person to be around, which might be why women are reacting cooly while men are gunning for her.

What I find really interesting is that she's an older woman, a demographic that is NOT often seen as appealing. And I find that even more interesting is this idea that she can't wait til she's no longer seen as sexually viable so she can stop being objectified by men and women alike and just be a person- something that conflicts with the push of makeup and cosmetic procedures to look younger and therefore conventionally attractive as you age. It's like women are undergoing procedures so they don't challenge the patriarchal beauty norms!

There's actually a lot going on, if you're like me and like to pull everything apart. While I agree that it was a badly written article by a woman who seems rather too full of herself, I do think it exposes some ugly truths about our social relationship to women and their beauty.

There's an interesting blog on images of women eating over at the Huffington Post. Emma Gray writes:

For many of us, our social lives are built around lunch breaks at work, mimosa-optional brunches and potluck dinner parties. We cook to de-stress, eat out to get a little bit pampered and order in when we just want to watch Netflix streaming in our beds (or perhaps that's just me). Food is undeniably cause for celebration and joy. Yet as women, many of us have complex and often negative relationships with food.

She then encourages women to send in photos of themselves eating to add to a slideshow, to show that we do eat (and eat a variety of food), actually, and should not be shamed for it. It's something I think is cool, certainly, but I also notice that a majority of women sending in images are average or slender- women somewhat less likely to be insulted for putting calories in their mouths (though not at all immune).

As a fat femme woman, I feel that pressure and raise it. Fat women not only have the issues of being women who are eating- this judgment of being unfeminine for stuffing our faces or being judged on how we eat (is it "ladylike" or not) but also around what we choose to eat. If we pick a burger over a salad when eating in public, we run a very real risk of being shamed, shunned and told off by strangers. I used to say that if I went on a date with a woman and she got a salad to pick at, only to complain later of being hungry, that would be the end. Penny, for the record, ordered a healthy 7 rolls of sushi between us and we packed them DOWN. Hence why she was my girlfriend. <3

Even though I think of myself as feeling very comfortable eating what I want in public generally, I still struggle to take seconds in most situations, and I don't tend to put as much on my plate as I might actually want. And photos of me eating are few and far between, unless the food is somehow remarkable. I noticed as I looked for ones to submit that most of the photos showed me eating dessert- something possible to eat in a sexualized, sensual way. And most of them were taken by my then partner, whose tumblr has dabbled in feederism porn (feederism porn being a subject I have many complex feelings about which deserve their own blog post). When he takes photos of me eating and I know it, I can see myself trying to make it look good, attractive, as if I need that in order to justify the picture or I risk being seen as another fat person stereotype. Hedonism, for fat people, is anathema. In case you needed proof of that, look at the reaction of people who watched the last episode of Mad Men, in which Betty Draper has gained weight.

The fabulous Milo Ampersand is working on a project to address just that issue of public spaces, fat people and food:

One of the most political acts one can make as a fat person (I feel), especially as a femme/feminine presenting person, is taking up space. Making yourself visible in a world that bombards you with messages to be smaller, to be quieter, to disappear.

This project was partially inspired by Kim Selling's poem, "Fat Bottomed Girls," particularly the line where they say, "I hold protests in my mouth every time I eat in public.”

I have always struggled to be able to eat in public because of the hypervisibility I experience. Especially eating alone. Even thinking about it causes me anxiety.

Thus, my newest photo project seeks to explore this fear and work towards an empowerment that reclaims and "stares back" at this hypervisibility though a photo series of fat folks eating in public, looking fabulous, and not giving a fuck.

If you are interested in such a project, please RSVP/contact hir here. (note: long since ended)

In the meantime, here is my own gallery of images of myself eating.
[gallery]

So I am right now in an airplane that is shaking around so much I feel somewhat certain we are all going to die tonight. In which case, I need to get this out there before I die. Please have an orgy in my honour, kittens. With tea. And crumpets.

This weekend I was at a feminism and sexuality conference called Momentum- surrounded by all sorts of sex geeks like Audacia Ray, SWOP members from all over the US, Reid  Mihalko, Carol Queen, Charlie Glickman, Allison Moon, the Mayhems, Bianca Stone, Ava Solanas, Sinnamon Love, Cunning Minx... I could keep going. Seriously, so many amazing people, and a whole lotta brain going on.

I have to admit, though. I was a little bit disappointed at how sparsely attended Saturday's consent related discussions were. Safe/Ward on Sunday was... reasonably well attended, but at a conference which must have had 150-200 people, having under 20 in each of these discussions (maybe under 30 for Safe/Ward) was depressing. I mean, sure. I get it. Talking about consent and abuse and how to be accountable and create a safe container isn't sexy like porn or sex toys are, but goddamn it, talking about these issues is what's going to save sexually liberated people from being completely marginalized by the government, the police and the radical feminists. This is about survival and sustainability. I worry that I'm going to keep pushing the consent culture agenda and be dismissed by the people I most need as allies- sex educators and community leaders. I can't hold this up on my own, you know?

I also have a lot to reflect on as it pertains to conferences and privilege. I appreciated (as did much of the audience) when Audacia Ray, who was in the opening keynote, pointed out the difference between the ideals of which we all speak and how they play out in real life:

Intent is not enough - it is vital that we examine impact.

For example, I know that sex positive feminists value inclusivity. And yet, this panel that we’re sitting on is, to my knowledge, made up entirely of white, cisgender women and men with advanced degrees.

It is not enough to say that all are welcome and all voices are respected. The reality of this community does not reflect that intent, and we must examine how we each contribute to that.

I no longer consider myself a sex positive feminist largely because people in my life, my collaborators and friends, have told me about the ways sex positive feminism doesn’t service - or worse - actively harms and excludes them. And though i have spent plenty of breath derailing conversations and being in denial about that while arguing the value of sex positive feminism, I think ultimately it is important to listen to the critiques of people who do not benefit from the sex positive feminist framework.

You can read the rest of her State of the Sexual Union here, and I recommend you do. I feel she set the stage for people to feel even a little more comfortable calling out privileged attitudes and language, which was awesome. At the same time, I was very aware of who wasn't really represented, and spent a good portion of the weekend pondering how "sex positivity" could in fact embrace marginalized populations- and if that would even be the best move forward. Sex liberation was another way people discussed these issues, and I like that term more- it seems more active and political.

I also became very aware of two conflicting personal issues, both of which made me feel awkward.

1) Get a bunch of sex geeks in a room, they'll often at least flirt with each other, and probably bed each other. I felt very left out of flirtation. I flirted myself, so it wasn't that- I just felt very self-conscious as a sexual fat girl at the mostly conventionally attractive conference. I wonder if this is a Thing (ok, I don't really wonder, I know it's a thing- see: cotton ceiling for another example)- while we, as a community, talk a lot about the sexiness in theory of a lot of different bodies and diversity, in practice, who do we choose to flirt with and fuck?  We say it's just about who we click with, who we find attractive- but isn't it interesting how that tends to follow certain prescribed "attractive" party lines- white, slim, able-bodied, cisgendered. Not *always*, of course. But when you go to a conference like this, look around at who's making eyes at who. Maybe it was shyness. But maybe, too, we're not as body-positive as we like to think we are.

2) I really hated the prude shaming and the laughter at the expense of people who only have sex 11 times a year/related comments. Sex is not always a positive for everyone. For some people, sex is scary, shameful, uncomfortable, dull, or just not relevant. When these spaces make it seem like the only way to be sexually liberated is sexually compulsive, I feel like that's really problematic, especially as a sex worker who has a variable libido. My interest in sex ebbs and flows. Doesn't mean I can't be in the club, too, or that my voice as a person with a relationship to sexuality is less valid or important.

My laptop's about to die. But expect more on this later. I know this all sounds really negative and critical- I had a great time, really, and have a notebook filled with thoughts and blogs that are waiting to be birthed. But I also feel these things are important to say and have out there. It's the difficult work that will get us where I want to be- beyond shame, whatever your experience, body, or ability.

 

I wrote a little bit earlier while still kind of stunned and freaking out about my grandmother finding out about my sex work. I wanted to explain a little more fully about what happened and what the impact was, because I want to process it and figure out my own healing, and because I want other people to know exactly what it's like.

I haven't eaten lunch yet, and am chatting with my fiance and a friend about various things when I get a knock on the closed bedroom door. Grandma opens it and says "I need to talk to you", to which I mumble "yeah ok" and close the laptop, swinging around to face her.

"No," she says, looking grim. "In the living room".

I shrug, figuring we're going to have a discussion about the car or something, and go into the living room, yawning, not too concerned. I'm still in my pajamas. We sit facing each other.

"I Googled your name."

The words feel like lead. I sink, somewhat, but try to be upbeat. I mean, I have never been closeted about my sex work or my performances with my grandmother. Friends have marveled at how open and cool she is. They've heard me talk to her about the difference between my work name and my legal name, and why these things are important. They've seen me talk to her about the Sex Workers Outreach Project. They've been kind of shocked when grandma says something about sex toys or the costumes I wear to Kinky Salon. She doesn't come across as clueless, just more of a "live and let live" type.

Which is why the next words killed me.

Grandma sighed, narrowed her eyes, and spat out, "Claire (her friend) said she was going to Google your name so I thought I would first. And you disgust me. I can't believe you're selling yourself- don't you have any self-respect, any self-worth? How could you do something like that?" And she shook her head then, sadly, and said "I'm so disappointed. I saw your photos... they were disgusting. You're disgusting."

I was silent for a second. The day before, I had been interviewed with other SWOP members about sex work, and one of the questions was about the complications of the job. I had said, proudly, how glad I was that I could be out with my family, how that saved me, how privileged I felt and knew I was. How in a world that says that sex workers are worthless, that violence against them is to be expected and not made a fuss over, that says I should be ashamed, my family stood by me. And here I was, hearing my grandmother say she was disgusted by me. The vitriol was thick.

"Well," I tried protesting, "I do workshops, too, and lectures, and writing, and I'm touring just this week..."

"Disgusting." I watched my grandmother fold her arms and look disapprovingly at me. Like I was a stranger. Like she didn't love me anymore.

And that was when I lost my shit.

"You know what? FUCK this. Fuck your judgments. I am not going to get talked down to by you because I make my own choices with my body. I have always been honest with you, and it's totally fucked up for you to say these things. How dare you!" I leapt up and ran to my room, tears falling down my face. I slammed the door shut and locked it, needing time to think. What was I going to do?

Because here's the thing, ultimately. Grandma's friends also know my real name. And they like to meddle. I have to actively be fearful that they would call the cops on my site, on me, probably in order to "save" me from myself. Grandma must have told them my work name- there's no way or reason they would know otherwise. She outed me, and I suddenly began to realize, with dawning dread, that I could be in very real danger.

I packed a bag. Laptop, socks, underwear, some jewelry, phone charger, a bit of makeup. I grabbed all the money I had, too, got dressed in layers, and prepared to leave the house. I was suddenly conscious that my grandmother might very well choose to tell me to move out, that I'd have nowhere to go, and money would go quickly. The irony being that, because of all the non-sex work I was doing for less money, I hadn't had much time to book sex work clients. I was being shamed for prostitution and promiscuity when I was struggling with my libido in my personal life, something that comes and goes with me. Too sexual for some, too frigid for others.

It was not hard to feel like I was carefully treading on a spider's web of social expectations for women and sex.

A phone call to my mother helped me calm down, as she was immensely supportive, not just of the work I do but how inappropriate Grandma's behaviour was. It was validating to hear words of courage from my mum, and gratifying to know that she and my Dad were behind me and supported me. I'm very lucky to have that- most sex workers don't. It made the difference between making an escape plan and making a self-harm plan. I began to feel less panicked and scared, and more angry- how dare she tell her friends private information, and then slut shame me for it?

As I walked out the door, I felt pissed off. Seeing Grandma in the kitchen, I stopped. I knew I had to say something.

"I can't believe you outed me to your friends," I said, feeling both furious and so, so tired. "You have put me in incredible risk, you have said some awful things, and I am deeply, deeply hurt." I paused. She was silent, so I continued, annoyed- "People like you are the reason people like me get raped and killed and society calls it an 'occupational hazard.' Thanks for that."

I opened the door, turned and said, "You know what? Your prejudice disgusts me."

I walked out into the grey afternoon to wait to be picked up. I spent the day with women who understood my pain, for different reasons. We brainstormed. We processed. I talked to my parents and my dad, bless his heart, talked to my grandmother, telling her that they know I'm a prostitute and they support/love me, and are proud of me. He explained that Europe has much more liberal attitudes about sex work. He made it ok for me to stay at the house, tonight at least. I got an incredible amount of support from friends and acquaintances on my twitter feed and my facebook wall, with offers of support from a little financial (which, if you want to, you can donate here) to places to stay. With Momentum coming this weekend, I decided to ride it out, if I can, though am working on plans to move out when I return. I can't trust her. And until she apologizes to me, I feel pretty ok with cutting her out of my life.

Grandma never apologizes, so that might be a while.

I'm ok for now, though I'm aware I may have to grab my bag and run if she makes home unsafe for me. It's just heartwrenching, disappointing, and makes me so angry at society, which tells women such complicated mythologies about sexuality. And worse, of course, is that I thought she KNEW all this. I suspect her friends shamed her and so she shamed me. It's horrible.

This is why I hate dead hooker jokes, and why I hate rescue programs. It's why I hate the way the media always defines a dead prostitute by her job before her name. It's why I hate body fascism (I suspect part of what she hated about my photos is the way I sexualize my fat body rather than hide it away). It's why I hate slut shaming.

It's why I ask you to be allies, both in standing with us when we need it, and in giving us space to speak when we need that.

It's why I work with SWOP.

You can tell a lot about a country by how they treat their marginalized communities, right?

Well...

America is fucked.up.

So today my grandmother sat me down, looked deep into my eyes and told me I was disgusting. Disappointing. That she had seen my photos and I was a horrible person with no self-esteem.

She Googled my name.

Apparently she also shared my sex work name with one of her friends at her local community center, who said she was going to look me up. So she has also outed me to at least one, possibly more people. This of course puts me in a position of my home being dangerous, and the years of work to separate my legal and professional names potentially down the drain.

If one of those friends decides to "intervene", I could be arrested, raped, and beaten by the police. Many sex workers are. I could be restricted from getting an office job. I could struggle to find a place to lease.

I will write in a lot more detail on this later. I'm still reeling/processing/trying to figure out what to do. My parents, bless them, are going to speak to her and chew her out, as they know about my work and are incredibly supportive.

But til then- I want to say this:

Prejudices against how women have sex, and with whom, and under what conditions creates a world where people like me are made homeless, raped, abused, and murdered... and the world says "hey, it's an occupational hazard".

Show me another job like that.

I've finally mostly recovered from South By Southwest, a big event where I presented to a bunch of geeks on sex work and social media, in a church no less.

You can stop laughing.

It was an amazing event, and I'm glad I went. A solid week of walking around, sometimes in the pouring rain, chatting with some fascinating people. I got to talk to LJ Rich about Essex, tech guys, and the best sushi ever. I got to hang out with both the founders of Suicide Girls, drinking beers and shooting the shit. I got to sing karaoke in the middle of the Austin night with a bunch of SF-based peeps on the RVIP bus, which was an epic adventure. I watched bands with Courtney Riot. There's so many awesome people I got to talk to, leaving me with a feeling that it was like Burning Man, except I spoke to people I would actually look up and talk to again later.

There were a surprising number of talks relating to sexuality, as it turned out. I particularly enjoyed a panel on pick up artistry and feminism, where I really got curious about Clarisse Thorn's new book "Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser: Long Interviews with Hideous Men" (expect a review soon!) and Charlie Nox's online guide to personal ads "The Babe Hack"- I was impressed that pickup artist coach Adam Lyons came to speak on the panel as the only guy and was incredibly decent and surprisingly pro-feminism. I would've loved to hear more from Adam's wife Amanda, who also does PUA coaching.

My "panel" was misleading, as it was honestly just me sitting behind my laptop talking about how sex work taught me about social media marketing and branding, the pros and cons of social media for sex workers, and the ways social media has become the new "street corner" according to the police. It was a decent presentation, if I do say so, though I didn't have fancy visuals and there was a sudden church organ playing in the middle of my talk. I felt pretty good about it and hope to have a panel (of more than one person) for next year- perhaps on internet porn? Maybe on the internet as the new wild west? Who knows? But I feel like I accomplished something rad and got compliments on it, so good for me!

There was tons of crazy food, including a savory waffle cone stuffed with jicama slaw and pulled pork- yum. And I had dinner with a bunch of women from the Huffington Post- I'm hoping I get to write for them soon. There was free booze everywhere. Man o man. I was glad, though, because it made asking a bunch of app developers what their position was on adult content a lot easier. Also, I ruled the roost at dartboards and beer pong. ;)

I also had fun talking about Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society in front of a cool crowd at a fabulous venue- all thanks to Femina Potens and Madison Young! It was amazing to sit on a panel about porn, art, and queerness with Dylan Ryan, Jiz Lee, Coral Aorta, and Rozen DeBowe. Talk about loving my life! Sometimes, I just have to pinch myself.

Next week I'm off to Momentum, the feminism and sexuality conference, where I'll mostly be talking on consent culture. I'm looking forward to it in some ways, but also kind of dreading it if I'm honest. There is a blog post brewing that will be a little sad and very personal about how talking about consent culture has impacted my relationship to sexuality... but the time for that is not quite yet. I'll need some quiet time and solitude for that particular post to emerge, I suspect.

Hopefully I'll be back to blogging more regularly. I underestimated how much Austin would take out of me! But there's exciting things ahead- the Pampered Princess Pageant (read more on Fetlife here, and keep an eye out- voting is involved ;) ), the second Cum and Glitter (on June 2nd! mark your calendars!), possible trips to Vancouver and Atlanta... it's going to be a crazy summer.

Apparently a year ago I posted part one to my blog and not part two- whoops! It's here not, and I hope you enjoy the second half of my strap-on-sex how to.

“Face down, ass up”. That position will be forever tainted thanks to a friend playing a song with that lyric, but the truth is, it’s a great position to find a lover in. Seeing them all open and ready, trusting you, head buried in the pillow for biting, stifling moans or blotting tears… terribly sexy. Especially if you’re wielding a strap on!

In my previous article I talked about how to pick your strap on harness and your cock for some sexy play. But… what do you do then? Is it different using a strap on with a girl vs with a boy? And where do you start?

Personally, I prefer to put on my strap on harness before I grab my lover for a tussle in the sheets. Strap on harnesses are a bit tricky, and I’d rather wrestle it onto myself in privacy! Also, there’s nothing like the hotness of the Reveal- when you pull aside your robe or pull down your jeans to expose your stiff cock. Yum. But it can also be fun to let your lover pick out the cock and help you pull the straps tight.

But then what? What’re the best positions to use your strap on in? What can you do with your strap on other than the expected? And what’re the best techniques to fuck in using a silicone cock?

Well, generally, I recommend some warmup before going straight for insertion (though, of course, that depends on your lover and how well you know them). I find black latex gloves to be a nice introduction- nothing like shiny black fingers lubed up and ready to explore. Or a dental dam and a wet tongue, of course!

There’s multiple ways you can use your strap on. I love to wrap my fingers in my lover’s hair as I introduce my cock into their mouth, watching their eyes widen and look up at me as I gently but firmly thrust in. And, of course, their saliva is a good addition to any lubrication I plan to use! Wearing a cock can also be a chance for me to put on a different persona- I can be a Captain in the Navy, a drag queen, maybe a biker. When I play with a strap on with my boy, we can play at being two boys together, or I can be the boyfriend, he the girlfriend.

Just because the dildo is silicone doesn’t mean that less care needs to be taken during a blow job, either. All the teasing, the licking of thighs and nibbling on the skin, hands sliding up the belly and gripping the ass- foreplay is equally fun regardless of who’s got the cock. Depending on where the harness puts the base of the toy, the sucking motion can stimulate the clit at the same time… very sexy. I love seeing my boy choking a bit as he thrusts me deep into his throat for my pleasure. Yummy.

Of course, some men enjoy using a strap on instead of their cock, for a variety of reasons, from overcoming erectile difficulty, to playing with genderfuckery, to enjoying different lengths and sensations. There are methods of using a harness to double penetrate your lover, using your cock and a dildo, which can be quite fun. Again, this can be a fun way to play around with genderfuckery- as a queer girl, I found it totally hot when my lover wore a tank top and underwear and then put a strap on over his cock to fuck me- imagining him as my butch dyke lover was a fun change of pace!

Of course, when people think of strap on play, many are thinking of penetration, whether vaginally or anally. There’s as many ways to have strap on sex as any other type of sex- but it can make certain things a lot easier. For example, sex in water is really sexy- but hard to have safer sex involved. Condoms can slip off more easily, and the water washes away natural lubrication, meaning condoms are at greater risk of breaking. But, if you use a strap on instead, you can sterilize your toy afterwards, depending on the material- therefore you can do without the condom. And a shower or bathtub is a narrow space, so using a strap on somewhere else, like a thigh, might make for more comfortable playtime (and easier places to hold on via a suction cup handle!).

I’m going to assume for a second, considering my audience, that you know some of the basics about penetrative sex- use lubricants and safer sex, go slowly with lots of foreplay, and communicate, communicate, communicate. In my previous article I talked about what sort of harness and dildo might work for your purposes, so I want to talk a bit about positions and toys that might enhance your strap on sex.

I’ll start with one of the most commonly used- doggy style, where the penetrated partner is on their hands and knees (or their knees and the side of their face for even deeper sensation) and the penetrating partner has access to either vaginal or anal penetration. This is an excellent place to start experimenting with strap on sex, as it’s got a lot of flexibility, and can be really hot when grabbing a lover’s shoulders or hair as you thrust! Just make sure your chosen dildo is long enough- bellies and buttocks can get in the way and lose you an inch or two, so know your limits when you pull out and thrust back in. You can also use a doggy style strap to get the perfect height, or a Liberator ramp if you want to have your sweetie on their stomach with their ass propped up for perfect access. It’s also a great way to stimulate a woman’s clitoris with a Rock Chick or similar toy if you want to have double penetration fun, using the strap on for anal play.

Doggy style is a fun position to be sure, but it can stimulate a man’s prostrate less than other positions, and being on knees can be uncomfortable for lengths of time. Additionally, it means that lovers have a hard time looking each other in the eyes. The missionary position is popular for a reason! Whether male or female, anal or vaginal penetration, legs bent to the sides or up over the shoulders, missionary position (the penetrated on their back, with the penetrator over) is a good one to try. Again, a Liberator wedge or ramp is a good bet if wanting to do anal play in this position, as it tilts the pelvis for easier access. It also makes it a bit easier to use a vibrator against the clit, to pull on some nipple clamps… and, of course, to make out!

The opposite of that of course is having the penetrator on the bottom, and the penetrated on top- the ever-popular cowgirl and reverse cowgirl, depending if you face your partner or not. It’s a good one for using when utilizing a double dildo, as gravity doesn’t work against you for holding in the toy and the rocking back and forth motion often stimulates the penetrator’s g-spot. Another advantage is that, for anal or vaginal sex, it allows the one on top to control how deep and fast a dildo slides in, which can be both comforting to first timers and satisfying for lovers who like being on top in more ways than one!

However, one of my favorite positions, regardless of the gender of the person I’m playing with, is plain old bent over. His hands pressed against the wall as I whisper in his ear to arch that back for me… her skirt riding up over her stocking tops as she bends over the kitchen table. Yum yum yum. It’s not only visually appealing- bent over a chair, table or wall angles a dildoto stroke a man’s prostate much more effectively. It can be used anywhere (one of my own experiences close to my heart was being bent over a car, actually, for some hot strap on action).

Just to reassure anyone reading this who might not have tried strap on play before- it can be hard to find the hole! More reason to lube up your fingers and explore. Holding onto the base of the dildo also makes me feel like I have better control when inserting my cock, so you can always give that a go too. And go slowly and steadily! It’s far better to get a rhythm you can maintain and go with that than to thrust too fast and tucker yourself out too quickly. It’s not a race, and hey, you don’t have to worry about losing your erection, right?

Of course introducing a strap on can lead to all sorts of fun experimentation with threesomes and moresomes, too! I loved spit roasting my boy, my cock in his mouth and a friend’s strap on in his ass. Or of course there’s using a strap on on a girl while she gives cunnilingus to another girl. Use your imagination and, well, stock up on the lubricant and play safe withcondoms and sterilization. Hopefully you’ll find that strap on harness and dildo as an exciting a part of your playtime toy collection and a jumping off place for all sorts of delicious fantasies!