Glass toys are quickly becoming a thing for me, mainly because they're just so elegant and pretty, sometimes transparent, sometimes opalescent, always smooth and stylish. The Icicles collection has some lovely pieces- I love #24- and today I was excited to try out #8, the glass wand, from Erotic Toy Town.

Made of opalescent glass with a blue helix in the middle, this is a really, really lovely toy. Opening it up I was struck by how it gleamed in the padded packaging! I only wish it had some with a velvet bag for protecting it from chipping. It's like a mermaid's plaything- so of course I had to take it into the bath.

The thing that first really struck me about this toy is the weight of it- not too heavy, but just enough to give it some substance. The Icicle #8 has one bigger, bulb-like side that you can hold onto, and the other side is smaller. There's no reason you couldn't use the arger bulb internally, of course! It's 7" long, with about 6" insertable length, and is ideal for vaginal play (you could use it anally, but have a good grip on it because it could still slip in). Don't forget that glass can be heated up or cooled down, making it a fun sensation toy!

Because this is glass, it's sterilizable with soap and water or toy cleaners. I wouldn't boil it simply because there's a) no need and b) some possibility that the opalescent stuff is a paint on the glass versus what the glass looks like. For storing this, do consider keeping the styrofoam padding it comes with. The box is ugly but the styrofoam will keep your toy safe. Alternatively, you can get padded bags to protect your glass pieces.

If you're looking for a gorgeous and not terribly expensive foray into glass sex toys, the Icicles #8 is on sale now at Erotic Toy Town- go check it out! Thanks ETT for sending me this toy in exchange for an honest and fair review.

Body hair is one of those things that I don't really understand people disliking. I mean, I understand how shaving or waxing can make you look more neat, whether it's your pubic hair or your chest, and ok, to be honest, I can understand having your back shaved or waxed, especially if it's uneven. But other than for a brief dabbling with the novelty of smooth skin, or if you do a lot of roleplay where being shaved makes sense (like ageplay, for example) I just don't understand it.

I don't shave my armpits, and I don't shave my pubic hair. I like the way the hair looks on my body- in fact, I often wish it was a little thicker. I particularly love the way the boy buries his face in it. I shave my legs sometimes, and it's definitely a concession to fashion, though I'm less fastidious about it since my girlfriend said she liked it when I didn't shave my legs, because it seemed more intimate.

I find hair, particularly pubic hair, to be incredibly sensual. And even more, I love the way the labia peeks out from it- it seems naughty for some reason, but adorable at the same time. People complain about hair in the teeth, but to be honest it just takes a little skill to deal with that tactfully and without the other person knowing. And I'd rather than hair in my mouth than ingrown hairs near my tongue... ick!

There's a lot of support for this idea that pubic hair or armpit hair is somehow dirty, and while that's focused on women, men are starting to pick up on it too. Hairless rates are going up, and it's not as rare anymore to find men having their own beauty salons to get tweezed and waxed. I've met many women who wrinkle their noses at the idea of pubic hair.

And I find it kind of sad, because I love the way that hair traps that musky smell my body just sings out to, I love the wiry softness of chest hair against my cheek, the fuzz on a boy's bottom, the tuft over a girl's clitoris. I don't think of myself as a "hairy sex worker", but I suppose I am- it's weird to me that hair is a fetish, not the norm.

At the same time, I'm a big believer in body modifications. I guess what always concerns me is the idea that people are changing their bodies, not out a conscious desire to claim their body, but rather to blend in, to not be treated with disgust by a lover. Is it coincidence that Debby Herbenick's studies on sexually acitve women and pubic hair show that women receiving oral sex or not in monogamous relationships are far more likely to remove their hair? I don't think so. I remember when a lover told me my pubic area smelled "weird"- later I discovered it was because I was ovulating. I never let him go down on me again. It was incredibly upsetting, and, years later, I still worry about it.

Whether you shave it off, trim it neatly or let it run wild and thick, reflect on why- is it for a partner? For you? Or for society?

A nicely curved cock is a good thing to have around. I have a lot of dildos around, but most of them have straight shafts, so when I saw the Wilde G1 at SheVibe, I knew I wanted to give it a go! How could I not when it's named after my favourite dandy?

At 6.5" by 1.5", this is a good size for harness play, though keep in mind that fatter lovers will subtract an inch or so on the length. I still found this to be a workable dildo for strapping it on! The gentle curve is perfect for either prostate play or g-spot stimulation. The silicone is firm, with just a little give to make it very pleasant to use.  The Wilde has a little bit of texture to it- undulations that offer a delicious sensation when rubbing inside you.

One thing I really liked about the Wilde G1 was the beautiful colour- this grayish dark lavender swirly pearlized pattern looks really unique and sexy. It's not super feminine, but not black or boring, either. There's also a chamber in the base for you to slip a vibrating bullet inside, if you're so inclined- if you put a little lube or cornstarch powder on the bullet before inserting it in, you can slide it out more easily later, so don't forget! Of course, with silicone, make sure not to use silicone lube and remember that you can boil your toy or put it in the top shelf of the dishwasher to keep it sterile.

Thank you Shevibe for sending me the Wilde G1 to play with- check out their various quality g-spot and p-spot toys! Also, they have a toy I have drooled over for a long time... a tentacle dildo. It's my birthday on Sunday, by the way...

Today has been a day of relaxing, spending time with my girlfriend and her kids, reading a story to my boyfriend and having dinner/editing time with my ex. It's the perfect beginning to a year that ended kind of in stress and chaos- feeling loved and relatively serene with people I care about.

So I've thought a bit about my goals for next year, and here they are:

-Try to quit smoking and move fully to electronic cigarettes
-Get my divorce finalized
-Create a new website and have a banner created
-Learn to balance personal self-care with political activism
-Learn to love without fear
-Launch Andro Aperture and start soliciting guest posts
-Present Safe/Ward in 3 new cities
-Start moving my stuff from the UK to  the US

It's not wild or crazy, and it's a lot of practical sounding stuff. But there's a lot of baggage with each of these things, a lot of learning to let go and trust that I can make it through the shit into flowering. I've been working really hard, and I've noticed how much I've accomplished in the last 4 months. At the same time, I need to make sure I'm giving myself the care I need to not burn out.

2012, I'm ready for you. I'm ready to embrace te chaos and trust in my totem, the Fool. It's been a windy and maddening road, but I am just getting started.

I always love NYE as a chance to reflect on my last year, and what I want for the next year- I think rather than mash this year with my hopes for next year, there'll be two posts, one to say goodbye to 2011, one to say hello to 2012.

Last year my resolutions were as follows:

-Create a website for Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society to take it the next step
Didn't get that done quite yet, but it's part of a larger step for this blog and my website. :)

-Create some proposals for classes I could teach- perhaps on sex party etiquette?
Did this and then some! I taught with Maggie at Feelmore510, co-created Safe/Ward, started presenting it both here and in Boston along with sharing our notes so people could similarly present it, presented at Arse Elektronika, and have been accepted to speak at Momentum and SXSW- think I did well on this one!

-Cut out bad energy in my life- I've started, but should keep this up. And don't try to contact them in moments of weakness!
I did this really well, and I'm proud. I wrote a massive piece about my ill-fated relationship with a client, and I feel I've purged it pretty well now. I have also finally given up on my high school friend who has refused to talk to me due to some perceived slight.

-Cut down on cigarettes and move to an electronic cigarette- try to have this fully transitioned by 2012.
I've cut down, but hadn't bought a proper electronic cigarette- UNTIL NOW! Very proud of myself. I have finally bought a gorgeous custom(!) electronic that I'll be excited to show off, with flavours that will make me reach for that instead.

-Do a queer porn- possibly in London- and maybe submit one to the Good Vibes Film Fest.

I shot with CrashPad this year, along with shooting with Penny at Pampered Penny, and Maxine Holloway for a film for GV, though that met a sad fate. I feel I did pretty well on this, with more to come next year.

-Try to get at least three things published in print.
Oh god yes. I wrote two pieces for Filament, wrote a piece for an erotic anthology that was accepted, and just finished a ghostwritten chapter for a book. Very happy about that!

-Sort out a place to live, whether in the UK or US, and stay there.
I settled into grandma's for the time being while I sort out my divorce, and I feel good about that decision. Staying in one place has allowed me to make some roots and develop a name for myself, which has been amazing for my growth. I'm a lot happier now that I've settled in.

-Visit at least one new place in Europe.
I didn't actually get to do this. Ah well. Makes sense since I spent half the year here in SF!

-Repair friendships that have been banged up a bit.
I feel like this is something I also did ok on. I've starting to reconnect with friends who mean a lot to me but who I had gotten out of touch with, and that's been really nice. I missed them.

What else did I do this year?

-Was nominated again for an Erotic Award
-Finally saw the documentary "Britain's Happy Hookers" that I'm in
-Started performing as Creampie the Klown more formally
-Fought Porn Wikileaks
-Moved back to San Francisco
-Started wondering about having kids with the boy
-Went to Fourth of Juplaya
-Met and lived with Maggie and Ned Mayhem
-Interned at Cleis Press
-Started working on Andro Aperture
-Became a brony thanks to the boy
-Baked cupcakes and made tear gas masks for Occupy Oakland
-Started dating Penny
-Introduced the boy to my parents
-Joined the Sex Workers Outreach Project
-Started my divorce paperwork
-Said goodbye to my cat Meep
-Performed on stage at Masquerotica
-Stage managed December 17th, International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers
-Started to fight privilege in the SF kink scene

I think I can look back on this year and be pretty proud.

Thank you all for taking this journey with me, for asking questions and posting blogs that inspired and angered me into writing. Thank you for giving me opportunities to spread the consent culture message. Thanks for laughing and crying with me.

It's been a rough couple of days. I have never felt so glad to have a community of people around me who love me and mine, who are there to help when I (or someone I care about) need it. I'm so, so grateful.

Have a marvelous new year, and may 2012 bring about an apocalypse of the heart, leaving only truth and beauty in its wake!

So in March, I'm going to be speaking at two different conferences, a scary proposition but an exciting one! I'm honoured and thrilled to be speaking at both SXSW and Momentum, particularly as an out sex worker. I've been working very hard to get to this point and I'm pleased to see my voice being treated as important and valuable in conversations about gender, consent, sex work and politics.

This last year has raised my confidence immensely when it comes to being in front of a microphone. I've presented at Arse Elektronika on sex work, disability and social media. I've performed on stage at Masquerotica. I've done workshops with Maggie Mayhem on consent and abuse in altsex communities, and safer sex beyond condoms. I've spoken on The Other View about consent too. Tomorrow I'm going to be on Sexploration with Monika.

It's been a pretty amazing year, and next year is starting off with a bang.

At SXSW I'm presenting something I've done before- "En/Forced Femme: Sex Workers and Social Media". It's an exploration of the way that a capitalist market seemingly insists on a particularly sex work aesthetic and attitude (passive, feminine, accommodating) and how, in practice, that seems to be expanding as social media allows sex workers to attract people interested in their brains and opinions. I think I might being up Porn WikiLeaks into this, mentioning how social media allowed this typically marginalized population to drum up support from unexpected sources (hackers, for example). I'm really looking forward to fine tuning this and making it have some serious impact, and who better to talk about this with than a large group of geeks?

At Momentum I'm going to be busy! I'm doing the Safe/Ward presentation with Maggie, a panel about publishing, writing, and new media, and on another panel about issues of victim silencing and abuse in sex positive communities. I'm really excited to be among so many fabulous intelligent people, and I can't wait to connect with them all.

Of course, I'm still a writer, getting paid via gigonomics, and therefore could use financial support in making this happen. It won't take a lot, as I've been saving my pennies, but the more help I get the more of this I can do. I presented Safe/Ward in Boston, for example, and am looking into presenting it in Austin while there for SXSW. Maggie and I are not getting our flights or hotel paid for, so I'm asking you guys to maybe pitch a bit our way, or come to our fundraiser Jan 24th at the Center for Sex and Culture for an overview of Safe/Ward, raffles, performances, and other surprises.

Please help me travel to spread this and enable communities to fight entitlement culture!

I haven't posted for a few days thanks to the holiday madness- madness that somehow increases even though I don't have any family members around for Christmas, and haven't for years. Maybe that's why- instead of one big family gathering, I have multiple chosen family get-togethers I go to annually instead!

And god was my calendar packed. There was Santacon, and the Christmas Revels, and Whobilation, and Dickens Fair. December 17th was a massive event and it went off really well, which made me really proud (I was even interviewed about it!).

Never mind the craziness of the holidays proper- Christmas Eve spent with my girlfriend, her family, and my friends, watching fire spinning and noshing on homemade Mexican food to Xmas tunes, and Christmas Day spent with incredible food, lovely friends, clothing piles, and lots of champagne.

I got many nice presents, but some of the things I got that I'm happiest about aren't things. Yeah, I know, cliche, right? But it's true. Spending the holidays with people who are really close and meaningful to me was fantastic. Getting legal advice to allow me to submit my divorce documents was awesome. Getting to eat some special holiday treats from England was great, too. I'm particularly pleased at the way my boyfriend and girlfriend are getting on so well together- it makes me feel really happy and loved by them both. I'm really looking forward to January, when the three of us will be spending some time together.

Particularly exciting? I've been accepted to speak at SXSW Interactive as part of their Salon series! SXSW is a huge deal- it's for people up and coming in the world of tech, and includes some incredible minds and lectures that sound fascinating. To give you an idea, "Fixing Broke(n) Governments Through Serious Games", "Can You Tweet That? Social Media and the Law", "Empathy-Building Tools for Better Collaboration", "Is Social Media a Human Right?"- these are all talks I can go to. And mine? Mine is my presentation "Enforced Fem/me: Sex Workers and Social Media". SQUEE! I'm so blown away to be asked and really excited to be a part of it all. Best. Present. EVER.

And soon, it's New Years, and my 28th birthday. I'll be posting a review of my goals from last year and how I did on them, as I do every year. I have to say, this last year had some massive ups and massive downs, but I am feeling like I'm in a good (if busy!) place right now. Lots of paid writing gigs- lots of performance opportunities- and lots of love.

Bring on 2012. I'm ready for the apocalypse.

The pink candy collar and cuffs are both made with white and pink leather on the outside and lined with white vegan leather. The cuffs and the collar are 2" wide, making them reasonable for heavier bondage- the collar has a triangle ring and an o ring, while the cuffs have a d-ring each. I particularly like the white stitching against the pink! It's a lovely detail.

The collar fits a 12.5" neck up to 16", and the cuffs fit from 6-8", making them adjustable for men and women alike.  The collar is just the right size to not cut into the neck as you wear it, no matter how much you might struggle. ;)

We found these to be pretty soft and comfortable, both for a bit of bondage and for sexyfuntimes- they're really well constructed. They're beautiful as feature pieces with a kinky outfit. Also notable is that these are all equipped with lockable buckles, making them a possibility for enforced bondage- Aslan also sells locks if you want to use them.

I really got off on seeing Penny cuffed and collared at my feet as she massaged me through my stockings! I can imagine they'll come out for other playtimes. Maybe I'll pull them out to help my boyfriend get more in touch with his femme side when he comes to visit. And personally, I like the idea of using these for ageplay bondage- the colours make them look innocent and cute. They also come in a pretty light blue if that's more your style.

Even better, these will go really well with a lot of other things Aslan has, starting you on your way to a full leather outfit- maybe a chest harness?  Maybe a matching ball gag if your submissive is a bit mouthy (or you just want to keep their mouth busy)? I like the fact you can create a full Folsom style outfit but in white and pink, for the high femmes among us.

Thank you Aslan Leather for sending me the pink candy cuffs and collar set in exchange for an honest and fair review!

So I've been aware for a while about how the SF area, while declaring themselves to be sex positive, absolutely resent being told that their party themes reflect their privilege. The "Pimps and Hos" party at one space was a good example, with the Sex Workers Outreach Project suggesting the venue donate to a sex worker rights org or even change the tagline to "Hos up, Pimps down"- what a great way to fuck with an established misogynistic anti-sex work theme, right? But no, the venue wanted nothing to do with it.

I see this a lot- venues and event organizers looking the other way, claiming ignorance, but without wanting to fix it through education and awareness.

Well, yesterday, it went a step further, with local club Bondage-a-Go-Go.

Every year for 5 years, they've held a "White Trash Luau" around Christmastime:

On Wednesday the 21st, we revel in all that is cherished in Low-brow culture. Domestic beer. Bad Teeth. Cage Fighters & Teen Moms. This is the one night at BGG that you can bust out your bowling shirt, sweats and dress for (a complete lack of) success!
You can enjoy a (non) gourmet buffet of hot dogs, macaroni and cheese & jello from 11 – 12, then find a place close to the stage for the Gothic Bikini Contest at Midnight!

I went and looked through the old announcements for these, and sure enough, no one said anything against this theme before. It's all a bit of fun, right?

But this time, a conversation was started about the privilege and racism implicit in such a theme. Several commenters said that this theme and language was not particularly inclusive, and that it made POC feel pretty wary about going to BaGG at all. Note that every POC on the thread said they felt it was offensive and uncomfortable. Other BaGGsters then responded defensively, going for the "you're being too sensitive!", "don't you have better things to be upset about", and "you just enjoy being offended!"derailing for dummies triple play. With a garnish of "I know someone from that group who disagrees" on top, like a ripe cherry. Here was a great response:

Also: This is not the only event in the Bay Area with "White Trash" in the name. Campaigning against other events because of unrest due to the titles will not result in all of them being changed. It's just not possible.

Cause why challenge these things, right? Why say when you're offended? I mean, the kinky community does this shit all the time! Which might be why we don't tend to see a lot of politically conscious people (or POC esp) at these parties. Hmm. Ya think? And it's also worth noting that most of the people saying that "overly PC people are killing the FUN" were... oh, right. White, cisgendered, straight men. Fancy that!

I know this is a crazy thing to say, but- YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE IF SOMETHING IS RACIST. As Amber Hazard said so well on her tumblr-

When an oppressed individual says “that’s racist/cissupremacist/heterofascist/misogynistic etc.”
…they are not inviting you to start a debate. They are saying “what you are saying/doing is oppressing me/others,” and if you can’t just listen and respect that and acknowledge that they’re the best person in the world to gauge how oppressed they feel by your actions/statements… well, then you’re just an asshole.

it's a bit like this

Anyway, I suggested the "How Not to Act Like a Doofus When Accused of Racism" post, along with reminding people of the actual history of the term "poor white trash"- a history that is very much enmeshed with racism and classism. Considering we're living in a culture wherein half of all Americans are currently living and growing up within low income circumstances, it seems like it'd be a good time to rethink our willingness to talk shit about poor people. Finally I referenced an essay on racist jokes, which also relates very much to classist jokes. White trash, as a phrase, makes not only some of the people I know who grew up in poor rural environments feel uncomfortable and awkward, but most of the POC I know. Sounds, then, to me like it's worth reflecting pretty seriously on.

It was lively argument, for sure. One of the venue organizers originally fanned the flames and told people to quit bitching, then thought better of it and apologized, suggesting people take their complaints to the event organizer. The original poster who made the first complaint said this:

To the powers that be at BAGG: Please just apologize. We've had a lot of fun at BAGG over the years, and we'd like to be able to have fun there again knowing that our community values who we are as much as we value our community. I know most people who go to BAGG have no bad intentions, but this really hurts the level of comfort and safety for a lot more people than will ever speak up about it. PLEASE just acknowledge that there has been an accident/incident, that perhaps the concept and wording of the event needs to be revisited and perhaps revised, and apologize.

Seems pretty reasonable, right? It's not super angry or militant. It's pretty friendly. And a lot of people who go to BaGG agreed.

People did talk to the organizer, and originally, the response was compassionate, aware, apologetic and appropriate. I was feeling really pleased that maybe, just maybe, the SF kink scene was ready to explore its own racist, classist, sexist tendencies and we could move forward into a more actually sex positive space. I was happy to see an event organizer take action and agree to educate themselves.

I obviously was out of my mind, because post apology, this was the "replacement" event listing:

Please join your Freak Family for a polite gathering of the gender neutral “People of the World!

Dress code is "Caucasian Casual" ** this one night only. T-shirts, flip-flops, sweats, white tennis shoes, Ambercrombie & Fitch, turquoise eye-shadow, – make it absolutely Hideous!

"Caucasian Casual" applies to all Persons of color

Take a picture with the Holiday Neutral Character “Satan Claws” from 10 – 11.

Feast on our hot dog/macaroni & cheese buffet from 11-12. Nice and bland!

Sexy Sweater contest. $100 for the most alluring Holiday sweater (no pants or skirt – contestants just wear shoes & a sweater). All genders are allowed to compete (though this is really an exhibition, not a contest because we are all winners!).

When you are done with the vanilla, strip down to the dungeon, dance til 2:30 and show your true colors!

I am Bondage A Go Go & I approved this message.

Wednesday Nights
21 and up, you little Slut! (ID required)

All I can do is shake my head. It's really sad to see that the SF kink community, including many people I consider(ed) friends, feel that people speaking up against oppressive behaviour should be tagged as being whiners who are ruining things rather than respected as having the guts to speak up. What really upset me is that one of the people who apologized really well and then pulled a "haha fuck you suckas" move is someone who runs events at Kink.com, and who is considered a "pillar of the community". But then, of course he is. Aren't they usually?

Every year I feel less like I can ethically be a part of this "sex positive" community. I feel incredibly disgusted and betrayed by the response to this situation,  more so because they pretended they were invested in thinking critically about these issues, and then turned out to be liars.

I don't think SF is sex positive. I think that some places in SF strive towards being more sex positive, but until complaints are treated publicly with the respect they deserve, and men are objectified as women are objectified, and images of POC, fat, and genderqueer people are on the walls of accessible kinky venues... well, then we're still striving towards sex positivity. We're not there yet. The sooner we admit that, the sooner we can actually do something about it. And I hope we do.

Note: The community organizer I mention said his comment was not meant in response to the event but someone else's comment. He said he didn't see himself as a pillar of the community, and I responded:

"You are a pillar of the community. I don't know that it's something people get elected to, but you're present at most kink related events in this area. As such I would love to talk to you more about entitlement culture and consent issues within the kink community here, as yes, if this is indeed something you care about, you would make a fantastic and influential ally."

We'll see what happens. Maybe striving towards a more representative, positive kink scene does matter.