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Kitty- 1, the boy- 1

So football isn't really a sport I get into. I'm more of a World Beard and Moustache Championships girl myself. However, for whatever reason, the boy and I decided to bet on the outcome of the UK vs US match. Winner got the submissive scene of their choice. Not a bad deal, right?

Well, as there was a tie, we decided to do both scenes.

Each one was a scene we wanted to do more of but our partner hadn't quite gotten to it yet- for him, of course, it was a sweet ageplay scene, around bedtime, complete with diaper ritual and reading my little boy a story. I wanted to experiment with doing it from the Mummy side, as well, so lots of new stuff! My scene was a bit darker- a Daddy/girl thing where my Daddy would show me who was boss and give me some rough sex while I was bound. He is, I think, often intimidated by being the Dom, so this was pushing his comfort zone a bit too.

Both scenes went really well, overall, in their own ways.

With his, we got things together- baby powder, a storybook, lotion, a diaper, his footed sleeper, a pacifier, a stuffed animal. We also made sure he had some water in his sippie cup before bed, and he took his contacts out so he couldn't see very well. Then I had him show me how to put the diaper on him- which I actually found to be more... I dunno. Bonding than I expected it to be, I guess. Dusting him lightly with the baby powder, then rubbing him tenderly with lotion... it was kind of sweet, and taking care of him in a way I tend to shy away from taking care of people. But it was nice. I found that I liked the ritual of the diaper more than I cared for the diaper itself, as an object- like putting a collar on a kneeling submissive, it set the scene and allowed us both a minute to get into the headspace, away from the day-to-day.

Then I stuck the tabs on and helped him into his footed sleeper, patting the bed next to me and inviting him to crawl into bed with Mummy and hear the book "The Boy Who Cried Fabulous" read to him. He's quite a good little boy when he's in this headspace, which in some ways makes it easier, but sometimes means it's a bit far away from my experience with daycare, where kids whine about naps and say they aren't hungry when they are, etc. Anyway, he responded very well, and because he couldn't read the book, he HAD to listen to me, he couldn't read it over my shoulder- which, again, was sort of intoxicating, knowing he depended on me for it. After the story, we snuggled and I shut the light off for us to go to bed, surprised that I didn't really mind when he called me Mummy. Having read Lee Harrington's essay in the Power Exchange Guide to Ageplay about tough, ass-kicking, non-gender-conforming Mummies I think helped me get in touch with my inner Mummy side.

The next day, though, it still felt weird waking up to him in a nappy. All the other bits I can deal with, I'm finding- the footed sleeper reminds me of my Burner friends, for example, not too off the beaten path, and pacis, well, um, the rave scene kinda covered that one. Nappies, though, still feel taboo and a bit strange, and in the morning, I just felt like I wanted my boyfriend (and my boyfriend's cock) back. We talked about it a bit, and had some nice sexy time, and I felt better. It also helped that the next day I was able to play the little girl role when we went to Whitstable, so I got my own time to be pampered. I think when we do it that way, where I get an immediate head-petting of my own, I feel better about it. I'm interested in trying it again, but I keep feeling like there needs to be more stuff to do- or I need to be able to put a Disney movie on and have him entertain himself!

Read his side of things here at his blog! I'm quite pleased it went well for him too.

As a side note- I found the Power Exchange Guide to Ageplay to be fabulous. I read a review by Penny saying how you could find all this info online for free, and it was formatted poorly, and frankly, yeah, the formatting and the grammar/spelling was dreadful. Don't even get me started on the photo! HOWEVER, that said, it covered the parental side of the interaction, and not just in a straight way, which is hugely different than stuff I've been finding- and believe me, I've been looking! So I think it's not the resource it could be (and I desperately want to see another book on this subject, preferably edited by someone like me, who is curious but doesn't fully get it, as I think we're the ones who need a resource like "when someone you love is..."! If you're interested in seeing this happen, contact me, yeah??) but it's not a bad place to start. And it's a lot better than Diaperspace.

Anyway. So then came my scene, a Daddy/girl scene that was going to be, in my head when I proposed it, all about the bondage and spankings and slappings and tears. But when it came time, I just wanted to be Daddy's good little girl, and do as he said, and be told how precious and special I was. Granted, I still wanted the bondage, but when the boy asked if I'd stay put I said "anything for you, Daddy" and really meant it. I like being good, I've found. I've always preferred discipline to punishment and I guess this scene was really mostly about me feeling sexy, loved, and cherished. And, not surprisingly considering the current instability I've had in my "real life", I wanted to be told that he'd be there for me forever. The idea of having something to hold onto, some stability, was what I really clung to from the experience.

Oh, well. There was also some incredible fisting. ::grin:: That helped my anxiety a lot- I slept so soundly after that!!

All in all, the sexual favour betting on football? I'm a fan.

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Review: "Going Down" (NSFW pictures)

Going Down: The Official Guide to Cunnilingus

Also in the Pleasure Ed series, "Going Down" covers giving head to women, hearing from a nice mix of men and women who love to give oral sex to women. There's a good anatomy lesson to give the viewer an idea of all the various bits of a cunt, which is good as from my own sex ed experience they were pretty crap about it! Amusingly, in this one I did learn something, in the positions section- put a pillow under your chest if you're giving cunnilingus to a woman on her back with her legs open, so that you're not straining your neck. Duh, right? But that never occurred to me. :O
In this one, I appreciated that two of the women had trimmed pubic hair, that you heard from men and women who enjoyed giving oral sex to women, and that a couple of people mentioned how hot it was that it was so messy. I particularly like that because I think that while men's balls are expected to be sweaty and their cocks spew cum everywhere, there's a belief that oral sex on women should scentless, sterile, and tidy. Fuck that noise! I'm a huge fan of the primalness of sweat and scent and hair. Yum.
Here's one thing I found interesting- in "Heads Up", there was no discussion about people feeling uncomfortable receiving oral, but in "Going Down" there was a brief mention of how some people feel receiving cunnilingus isn't something they deserve, or they don't want to impose, or how they don't like how their vulva looks/smells/tastes. I have to admit though, I never met a man who felt he didn't "deserve" a blow job! But I've met loads of women who are uncomfortable or awkward around receiving cunnilingus.
I also like that Carol talks a lot about how it can take a while for women to get aroused, and that there's a lot of ways to arouse a woman beyond her pussy/clit- not just physically aroused, but mentally, too. Making your partner feel like you find her whole body erotic is almost ALWAYS hugely important, so that was a good thing to mention. I also liked that she says that starting on the clit right off the bat can be irritating, overwhelming, and uncomfortable for women- so don't dive onto the clit first unless she specifically says to! And it made me laugh when Carol says "the clit is NOT A DOORBELL. That means, you don't poke poke poke it, with your tongue or your finger!" Good advice. "Not erotically impressive" is a very nice way of putting it. (btw, that's not my pussy, I don't shave, but I was taking photos, hehe)
I loved that in one of the scenes, the guy actually does the alphabet technique- spelling out the letters on her pussy. It's cutely endearing. And the noises Madison makes in this one are adorable! And in this one, there is girl on girl pussylicking along with the use of a glove and cling film for safer sex- yay for porn with safer sex in, especially things other than just condoms! And with both of these I love that they've left the mid-play negotiations in- the occasional "more fingers please" or "pull my hair" or "more of that". It shows that communicating your desires during sex is possible- and kinda hot. And oh, yes- the "more Sir more Sir more Sir please Sir oooooohhhhhhh goodddddddd" makes me kinda wanna be Sir more often. Mmmmm.
I'd watch both this and "Heads Up" again just for the sex scenes. I think that "Going Down" was better when it came to showing multiple ethnicities, multiple ages, multiple sizes, multiple sexualities. Of course, having been at the filming, that has everything to do with who showed up and what they talked about, so it's certainly not the fault of the Pleasure Ed series! I have no doubt they'll continue to get better, and look forward to seeing more in the series. I know Carol mentioned an anal play one, and a bondage one... pretty please do one on ageplay. Carol? It would help me out so much!
So yeah. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about these, initially, as I am of course the master of all sexual techniques. ::cough:: But I did learn something, actually, and I was reminded of how hot dental dams can be, and it re-inflamed my love of pubic hair, and was just generally the best 2 hours I spent watching educational porn. Considering the number of clients I've seen who have sighed and said "my wife/girlfriend won't let me give them oral sex/won't give me blow jobs", I would say- get these! They're definitely couples friendly, and offers a lot in the way of support, acceptance, and encouragement, all the while making oral sex hot and fun. Well done Carol Queen, and well done Good Vibrations, who sent it to me!
If this sounds of interest, no, you can't borrow my copy, go buy your own at lovely Good Vibrations. You can get Heads Up (reviewed previously) or Going Down in DVD format (though for my UK consumers, remember it'll be zone 1) or multiple methods of download to own, if having a physical DVD doesn't matter to you. Oh, and I'm a Good Vibes affiliate, so feel free to click their link on the left hand side of the page to browse (and buy!) loads of gorgeous porn, wonderfully made sex toys, and some great books.
(photos of my exploits, not from the dvds, added because, well, you seem to like seeing sexy photos. pervs.)
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Review: Heads Up

Ok, so I'm a bit biased. I'm in this, talking about my love of sucking cock and eating pussy, credited as a Community Voice with other fabulous San Franciscans, including the lovely Lady Monster. ::grin::

So, yeah, just a bit biased. And a bit chuffed, to be honest! :D

Heads Up: The Official Guide to Fellatio
But anyway. Ahem. "Heads Up" is part of the "Pleasure Ed" series of DVDs. An excellent mix of sexual education, sexy real people enjoying the giving and receiving of blow jobs, and people (like me!) offering techniques that work for us. Now, the San Franciscan in me didn't learn much from it, but loved loved LOVED the hot cocksucking with real people. I also really liked how they showed some flaccid cocks in the beginning to show how different they can look, and how that's ok.

I quite liked the older couple showing how to thoroughly enjoy a semi erect penis, though I especially liked the younger, kinkier couple with their dirty talk- the sweetest moment was when they checked in midway through the filthy "you're such a good cocksucking bitch" for a kiss and an exchange of "I love you"s. Awwww!  Bless! Also, in the hot scene with Madison Young and the mischievous look in her eyes and the laughing with her enjoyment made it really sexy and fun to watch. When she says, after he cums in her mouth, "it tastes like you", the way she says it, with such sweetness, is truly lovely.

I liked how it was shot- it felt a lot more like watching people at a play party go at it, rather than watching porn performers. I also really liked that Carol Queen, who presents and guides us through the dvd, mentions a bit about intersex and trans bodies, though I kind of wish it covered that a bit more. In my ideal world, there would've been a transguy discussing how he likes his phallus played with, and a bit of guy on guy to make it less heterocentric. That said, I liked the variety of bodies represented, and I really liked the bit with the semierect cock- that translates very well to my experience with disabled clients, who I think might watch this and realize that just because they can't get erect or cum from oral doesn't mean it's off the table for them!

Who would I recommend this DVD for, then? Well, if you have a partner who is a little nervous or squeamish about cocksucking, this might be a good thing to check out, because it's presented in a fun, sexy way. Personally? I'd show this in a sex ed class- I bet teens would pay attention (though it might've been better with more safer sex shown, like condoms being put on using the mouth, etc).

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Review: CyberDyke (photo heavy, NSFW unless you've got my job)

As a queer girl who likes smut, I really quite enjoyed checking out the various sites on offer under the CyberDyke banner! Over here in the UK, there's not a lot of lesbian porn, especially lesbian porn with Real Lesbians in it, not just girl on girl stuff. So thank God for the internet, I say!

There's about 11 sites you get access to when you join CyberDyke... not shabby at all. Unfortunately I only got a chance to explore 4 this time around, though I definitely plan to beg Roxxie for another go. ;) I mean, check out some of the women that model for these sites! Totally droolworthy. And as I know some of the models from San Francisco, I know for a fact that a lot of them are kinky (some are even highly active members of the queer/kink scenes), love what they're doing, and are into girls in real life. That makes it all way, way hotter.

Posteriority is the cleverly named site all about delicious women and their curvy behinds.

Whether they're masturbating in such a way as to show their asses off or engaging in some hot anal play, this is THE site for women-made porn of this type, both video and photos.

As someone who really appreciates a well-made anal video, this site had plenty of cute girls going to town. I liked the array of body types and how pretty the shots were- considering generally anal play is still filmed as dirty stuff, seeing this site showed how sensual it can be.

I also liked the focus on lingerie and setting- while it's definitely about appreciating a fine posterior, there's lots of look at regardless of what you fancy- I particularly liked this shot with the green girdle, as someone who adores vintage lingerie!

Roxxie's Foot Femmes is for the foot lovers out there (of which the boy has, inexplicably, become one- I think it's all the foot massages I make him give me).

While feet don't do it so much for me, stockings, knee high socks and sexy shoes definitely can, and this site had those for sure. Mmm. And, frankly, while when I first went onto the site I was thinking, hmm, yeah, feet, I guess... photos like this one changed my mind right quick. It's the little touches (that foot belongs to another sexy, tied up girl- toe licking as a dominant act, very nifty and intriguing!) like the lipstick on the nylons, the pretty headpiece, the colours in the shot... very nice.

And, if you like a bit of splosh mixed with your foot fancy, there's some delicious cupcakes being crushed between toes, among other things! I saw some grape smooshing, some ice cream, all sorts of fun messy play involving feet. Quite sexy and fun.

DarkPlay is for kinky lesbians. And I absolutely fucking loved it. It's not all "lalala rope and lingerie", it's got all sorts of fun stuff, from electrical play to crying to self-fisting to... girls playing WoW..? Well, yes, actually. I enjoyed the variety, as per usual with CyberDyke's sites, not just of activities but ages and even some butches in there (finally!) I got the impression that the participants got a chance to say what they wanted to do, and then got photographed or filmed having a good time.

I was happy to see Dylan Ryan in there, and Madison Young, along with Penny Barber and lots of other incredibly hot queer women. Yum yum yum.

I also like that it's not overly soft and fuzzy, the way a lot of girl-on-girl kink tends to be. This is occasionally rough, and I like that- I enjoy watching these girls do the kinky stuff they're pretty likely to do left to their own devices anyway!

Girl Tools is my final review on this particular set- basically, it's sex toy reviews with videos of the girls trying out the toys before the reviews. What a brilliant idea! Rather than just reading how much they enjoyed this toy or that, getting to see them in use made me want to go out and buy loads of toys. It's like educational porn. Wait, it *is* educational porn.

This one is mostly videos linked to the reviews, which is kind of cool. There's a LOT of videos with the Hitachi, I have to say- and if you don't have one, and like clitoral stimulation (or vibes on the head of your cock, as the boy found out) then this site will persuade you. Every review also covers where it was gotten from and for how much- and no, they don't like everything!

Ok, seriously, even if just for these four sites, I'd recommend the CyberDyke membership. But you also get things like Shaved Dyke if you like hair removal (I do, omg, being shaved is soooo hot) and Miss Amanda for you lingerie fetishists. Yum. Seriously, it's $20 for the first month and $15 after that. That's like, £14, then just a tenner. It's so, so worth it, so please support them and the amazingly hot porn they produce- SFers are spoiled, but when you're living in the UK, being able to see hot queer-produced queer-featuring porn is a rarity. Recommended!


Also, check out their blog- a good mixture of politics and behind the scenes.


Thanks Roxxie for letting me check this out. xx

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is honesty the best policy?

When you pick up a sex worker, you are picking up the embodiment of a fantasy you have. Right?

That seems to be the general consensus, but I actually disagree to a certain extent. Ok, ok, not that anyone will be surprised to hear this from the girl who brought you blogs about everything from how I'm not generally lounging about in lingerie waiting for your call to male privilege to how clients can affect the worker they see- both positive and negative. You've read about breakups that crushed my heart, the death of my beloved cat, going to Burning Man and sexy parties. I haven't pulled punches on my thoughts about sissification, rescuers, Gor, and even polyamory. My blog is a personal one, I just link it to my professional sites. You get the Real Kitty Stryker in these words. If that's your fantasy, fantastic! But I'm not just writing smut in the interest of getting more work (that said, I'm thinking I might post more smut...). I post about the things I care about.

It was mentioned to me, and it wasn't the first time, that perhaps the fact that in this blog I wear my heart on my sleeve gets in the way of bookings. Maybe clients see, say, my post on my struggles with poly and see me as an emotional girl dealing with a lot of crap and they don't book because of that. It's possible. It's the risk I run. But I don't think most of my clients book me because they want a sexy chick to fuck them in the ass. I think they tend to actually like me, and the intimacy I'm willing to offer, the fact that I am, in fact, a Real Girl and I'm not acting out a part.

I like to think, at least, that the people I meet want someone who truly enjoys kink and sex, and loves her work. Someone who will say "no, that won't make me cum, but try this instead". Someone who will teach them, guide them, who will allow for a mutually enjoyable encounter instead of a playacted one. I feel like they come to me for the experience, not as a hole to stick their cock in. And from the number of conversations I've had with clients, I think they like that I'm opinionated and will say what I think.

But I don't know. Am I missing out on clients because I'm so honest and upfront? Is it an attracting factor, or does it scare people away? I'm not sure. It's an interesting question, and one to think about for sure...

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monogamous, a mentalist, or making sense?

I have spent a lot of my adult like identifying as polyamorous. I've amended that over the last year to say "yes, well, or at least nonmonogamous". But I've always had something that got in my way- first it was "but I can't find a partner willing to commit as a primary, boohoo", then it was "but I'm too overwhelmed, really", then "but I need to feel secure in the relationship first", and finally "but what if he puts the kink before me". And the day after the first real date he went on (the last, the AB one, cancelled last minute), when my boyfriend answered my question of how it went with "really well, actually, and I'd like to see her again", I felt threatened. Actually, if I'm being honest, I felt resigned, like "well, here's the beginning of the end". And a bit like I was kicked in the stomach, but ought to smile and say "great!"

I've done all the reading. I've answered the question "what are you feeling really?  Insecurity? Anxiety or fear? Envy? Protectiveness? Possessiveness? Competitiveness?" (to which, incidentally, the answer is generally "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes"). I've tried to logic myself out of it, with the understanding that poly isn't about breaking off a relationship, but being open to others. It totally doesn't work, the logic thing, because then I still feel anxious and insecure and also beat myself up for feeling that way because it's illogical. I've communicated and asked for reassurance and been given it. I've tried setting boundaries and limits, even though that goes against some poly advice that suggests if you need that sort of thing you aren't really opening yourself up to love ::coughBULLSHITcough::. I considered some sort of written contract as suggested by "Opening Up" only to have the boy recoil a bit and say "this sounds way too complicated, maybe we should just stop seeing other people". 


So, I've come to some hypotheses, none of them easy, frankly.


-I can't share. I'm spoiled. I want to be able to sleep with and possibly date other people but hate when my partner does. Plus, I'm used to being the hot one, the one getting asked out, and now I rarely if ever get asked and he gets asked all the time.


-I have severe issues with trust. Some of it fair, some of it not. Dating serial monogamists posing as polyamorists has crippled me emotionally until I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, which, if I continue to me a mentalist, it will.


-I'm very insecure. I'm certain that everyone is hotter/more interesting/cleverer/easier to get along with/less troublesome/more sexually desirable than I am, and I'm just a waiting place til my partner finds someone better. This is added to because I haven't really been pursued for a date in a long while, an as KSL comes up, I feel nervous/resigned that, again, I'll watch everyone else play and enjoy and no one will ask me because I'm undesirable. Cool, but undesirable.


-I'd ask for what I need, but have no clue what it is. Or, the reassurance I need is so extreme it's impractical- see first point. 


-I'm deeply resentful that I have very little free time to have dates, but he does. Would this all be easier if I was dating someone as well? Possibly, and I'd like to, but see point three. And, time. If I did meet someone else, I could imagine maybe maintaining a secondary relationship, if I made time for it, but...


-...I also feel like the boy and I haven't been together long enough without outside distractions. We did cut down on the threesomes (I have yet to have a MMF threesome, too, btw) but have spent the last two months off and on arguing about these dates, and I still don't feel like we're solid. I want us to be solid before we bring anyone else into the relationship, especially someone I don't really know. But I also don't want to make him yank around this new person because of my insecurity, as, when I was a secondary, that really sucked.


-I am TERRIFIED that the new relationship giddiness is wearing thin and that he's just looking for a topup elsewhere. How many times and with how many people will I need to get comfortable with all this? But then, if you're not open at the beginning, when do you decide to open up? When are you ready? Will I ever be ready?


The boy said "there's never going to be a great time" and I keep feeling like he's right, but somehow he's managing to pick the worst times instead of the bad but not so bad times. I'm sure he's not doing any of that on purpose, but he's just not thinking about it. And, truth is, you can't afford not to think about all this stuff and be poly. He freely admits he's a bit of an emotional retard and I feel like that's a skill best to have a handle on BEFORE you invite someone new into your partners life, not DURING. But again, when do you decide? And he's already started, so how much of a dick would I be to tell him to stop?


Is this something I need to sort out on my own, or do he and I need to figure it out together? Is it my insanity or is it a reflection of actual issues in the relationship? I have no fucking idea, and it's giving me a headache to think about all the time. 


It's especially maddening as I used to be ok with this. Well, not entirely- I recall being pissy with Sh for talking about his dates, esp as he chose to date monogamous girls, and also I hated listening to Mono talk about the fun he had on other dates since he and I struggled to have sexyfuntime. Was it that, though, or am I and was I making excuses? I was generally fine when dating couples- I was totally included and surrounded with love when I was around, and did my own thing when I wasn't. I was ok with an old ex who was poly, but we were fluidbonded and he later admitted he wasn't using protection with at least one of the other girls, which added to my paranoia. I guess I was ok with it when I felt like I was a wanted commodity, and now that I feel a bit like a gooseberry I'm jaded and bitter. How cliche.


Obviously I just need to have my own dates. Maybe I should just hire one. ::sigh:: Why is getting a date so difficult? Am I truly that lame? 


Someone from Fetlife commented to me the following:
"For me, it's really hard to share my special someone that I have a deep love-bond with so I've established boundaries that work for us. I don't really care what others say about it. It's my own personal brand of sort-of monogamy that works for us. lol I guess you just have to find out what works for you, what keeps you sane and what you can wrap your mind around and not feel ashamed if you have limitations on what you can deal with even if they feel totally hypocritical or one-sided. If its going to work, it will. I know that doing things my way isn't equal at all and I don't really give a shit. I have my rules. Abide by them and help me stay happy and positive about us or go against them and unleash the bitch and watch me eventually check out of the relationship. I can only take what my brain will allow me to take, otherwise, I'd just be lying to myself and it would end with a big KABOOM! anyway."


This made me smile, and have a bit more compassion for my reactions to all this. I'm not alone, and that helps. Though when she said " But overly concerned about being fat, I'm not. Plenty of boys and girls throw themselves at me so my fat must be sexy" I realized a HUGE amount of my insecurity is around my sexual attractiveness. I always said to my grandma, who thinks I should lose at least 20lbs, that when people stopped wanting to fuck me I'd start getting worried about my weight. I don't know if I particularly want to lose weight. But I'm not getting the flirtation I used to. Is that a factor? Or is it that I just don't go out enough and don't seem to have the time so people don't bother? I'm not sure. I got into the whole poly thing because I was insecure and being slutty was a way to feel attractive... is that part of the issue now?


HEAD. HURTS.

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have you cut off your hands yet?

I love cities at night, especially when it's warm. Walking to the corner shop, when the street is quiet and the air still, is an enjoyable experience- I feel sometimes like I'm the only one in London, or that I'm moving in stopped time. There's an intimacy to experiencing the city in that way, when you're not going anywhere, or doing anything important, just walking down the pavement in your comfy pajamas for some strawberries and Coke. It's almost enough to tip the balance from the tired girl I feel I am to the serene girl I know I could access if there was ever time to stop.


I've been feeling kind of burned out recently. It's definitely not the first time, either, and somehow it tends to happen around the same time. Some of it is the event I run- some of it is my tendency to volunteer for everything under the sun, as I feel passionately about many things and want to help- some of it is trying to reach equilibrium with my lover- some of it is trying to remain a contender in that crazy world called sex work. I want to work, need to work, but at the same time find myself too drained to go to west London for an outcall at 10pm. I want to see a support group for other sex workers, to refuel by talking with others who understand, but know that ultimately I'd have to organize that if I want it as a resource. Escorting in London can be a lonely business, and no one really talks to each other. The last time I took a girl under my care, well... she learned from me and then fled to start her own domme service, and barely spoke to me again. Such is life and female competition, I suppose, but it still stings.

Perhaps I need a day at the seaside. Maybe I need a thrilling new encounter. Or maybe I just need to make more time to sit in my room and read silly books that have nothing to do with sex, or sex work, or queerness, or activism- just fluff and nonsense. I don't know if I want to spend more time with friends, or just hole myself away from them- I can't tell what would be better for my mental state right now. My boyfriend is trying to help, and I can see that he doesn't want me to be sad, or anxious, or exhausted, but I don't know what to tell him, don't know what I need to turn this moodiness around. I thought maybe service submission, where he could draw me a bath, serve me breakfast in bed, tend to me, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I forget that I do struggle with mental issues, and that I, too, only have a certain number of spoons to spend, though my supply is larger than most. I see more and more why Londoners use alcohol so often- I care less about all of this when on a downer, when my brain shuts down and I can just coast mentally.

I keep feeling torn between the desire to have more- more sex, more work, more money, more fun nights out, more clothes, more sexy underwear, more more more- and less. So much less. Less worry, less organization, less power, less responsibility. I feel myself a domme in crisis. I am desperately aware of how easily this work can go from being fun to being precarious and frantic, especially as rent day draws closer and I'm spending my last tenner on strawberries, Coke, and the cigarettes I keep trying to cut down on, finding myself clinging to them because, as vices go, smoking alone doesn't carry the same stigma as drinking alone. I feel myself becoming a stereotype, and I hate it.



It reminds me of a poem by Marge Piercy, one of my favourites. And, if you think it's about you, it probably isn't, so stop that right now. :P
The Friend



We sat across the table.
he said, cut off your hands.
they are always poking at things.
they might touch me.
I said yes.

Food grew cold on the table.
he said, burn your body.
it is not clean and smells like sex.
it rubs my mind sore.
I said yes.

I love you, I said.
That's very nice, he said
I like to be loved,
that makes me happy.
Have you cut off your hands yet? 

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the boy who cried fabulous

So there's one thing I actually really like about the adult baby thing. And this paddle is one of those things. I have one, in brown.

Anyway, the real plus is I can make believe that I'm raising the gayest, most environmentally friendly child known to humankind.

In a way, I'm starting to appreciate that I can pick children's books, colouring supplies, and movies based on what I'd want to have for a kid, and know that my boyfriend will actually appreciate it, unlike the child I might eventually have, who will probably roll their eyes at recycled drawing paper and books about Heather's two mommies. I am certain that the result of my spawning would be a heterosexual sporty male, and what on earth would I do with that..?

I did give the storytime with him a go, and it wasn't bad. It was actually kind of sweet. He called me "Daddy", which I was slightly taken aback by as I was really fully femme, but it seemed to fit well. Sleeping together with him in that headspace was odd, though, as I felt I couldn't snuggle him and kiss him the way I normally would in a half-awake state. I still feel like I need a finite end time to these interactions so I know how to behave and when.

Still feeling strange about the fact I'm more comfortable with ageplay when there's some sort of shady taboo sexual play involved. I suspect I am a deeply disturbed person.

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Reviewing the Situation...

Another thing I really want to get into and do more of is sex toy and porn reviews. I used to do them for Spectator magazine, back in San Francisco, and I miss it! I figure there's enough of you reading this now that I might actually have a chance to share my thoughts on various funky new toys and porns. I figured I might start with some of the porn I have around currently, though most of it is from San Francisco...

Or I suppose I could start with some of the toys I have around...

::giggles::

I'm already imagining the photos!

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declaration of interdependence..?

Ok, ok, so while I didn't particularly enjoy what I read of Belle de Jour's online stuff (as much as I kinda got off on the fact she was a scientist- hot stuff, that!), her first book has been quite entertaining, and I've generally liked the show


I'll admit, this book had me questioning being an independent sex worker- frankly I wonder if I'd get more work via an agency. But, what agency? And would they, like my horrible first domme job in Oakland California, end up treating me like shit as I'm a fat girl


Plus, would being with an agency mean less security, or more? Would it mean better clients, or less control? I see the possibility of it helping, especially as getting an incall space together hasn't been the easiest thing so I'm currently outcall only, but worry that not being independent would scare off guys who like the fact they speak to me directly. I don't really know enough girls in this business to know if one method is better or worse than another.


I quite enjoy the freedom I have as an independent, but it's been tough going. I advertise like a fiend, and the travel back and forth between here and San Francisco hasn't lent itself to consistent clients. I'm getting enough, but only just. I'm not entirely sure how to improve my presence.


In the meantime, thanks to a lovely client, here's uploads of my Time Out London page: the text, the photo, and the whole thing. Amusingly, when I mentioned brittle bones (I couldn't recall the name of the disorder), he was the client I was talking about- he emailed me and said: 


"I thought about adding a third page with a photo of the massive black bruise on my left buttock/hip you left me with to show how much care you took over my brittle bones (I won't let this rest - it really is too funny :) !), but unfortunately it appears 3d spacial dexterity is not my strong point, and I ended up with photos of my thumb, wheelchair and even, somewhat bizarrely, my bookcase, but none identifiably of my backside." 


He is an awesome client, seriously, and I can't wait to see him again. His sense of humour is totally infectious! 


So, as I sit and reflect on all this, I continue to update my profiles on various sites, wondering when it'll all turn around...