monogamous, a mentalist, or making sense?

I have spent a lot of my adult like identifying as polyamorous. I've amended that over the last year to say "yes, well, or at least nonmonogamous". But I've always had something that got in my way- first it was "but I can't find a partner willing to commit as a primary, boohoo", then it was "but I'm too overwhelmed, really", then "but I need to feel secure in the relationship first", and finally "but what if he puts the kink before me". And the day after the first real date he went on (the last, the AB one, cancelled last minute), when my boyfriend answered my question of how it went with "really well, actually, and I'd like to see her again", I felt threatened. Actually, if I'm being honest, I felt resigned, like "well, here's the beginning of the end". And a bit like I was kicked in the stomach, but ought to smile and say "great!"

I've done all the reading. I've answered the question "what are you feeling really?  Insecurity? Anxiety or fear? Envy? Protectiveness? Possessiveness? Competitiveness?" (to which, incidentally, the answer is generally "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes"). I've tried to logic myself out of it, with the understanding that poly isn't about breaking off a relationship, but being open to others. It totally doesn't work, the logic thing, because then I still feel anxious and insecure and also beat myself up for feeling that way because it's illogical. I've communicated and asked for reassurance and been given it. I've tried setting boundaries and limits, even though that goes against some poly advice that suggests if you need that sort of thing you aren't really opening yourself up to love ::coughBULLSHITcough::. I considered some sort of written contract as suggested by "Opening Up" only to have the boy recoil a bit and say "this sounds way too complicated, maybe we should just stop seeing other people". 

So, I've come to some hypotheses, none of them easy, frankly.

-I can't share. I'm spoiled. I want to be able to sleep with and possibly date other people but hate when my partner does. Plus, I'm used to being the hot one, the one getting asked out, and now I rarely if ever get asked and he gets asked all the time.

-I have severe issues with trust. Some of it fair, some of it not. Dating serial monogamists posing as polyamorists has crippled me emotionally until I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, which, if I continue to me a mentalist, it will.

-I'm very insecure. I'm certain that everyone is hotter/more interesting/cleverer/easier to get along with/less troublesome/more sexually desirable than I am, and I'm just a waiting place til my partner finds someone better. This is added to because I haven't really been pursued for a date in a long while, an as KSL comes up, I feel nervous/resigned that, again, I'll watch everyone else play and enjoy and no one will ask me because I'm undesirable. Cool, but undesirable.

-I'd ask for what I need, but have no clue what it is. Or, the reassurance I need is so extreme it's impractical- see first point. 

-I'm deeply resentful that I have very little free time to have dates, but he does. Would this all be easier if I was dating someone as well? Possibly, and I'd like to, but see point three. And, time. If I did meet someone else, I could imagine maybe maintaining a secondary relationship, if I made time for it, but...

-...I also feel like the boy and I haven't been together long enough without outside distractions. We did cut down on the threesomes (I have yet to have a MMF threesome, too, btw) but have spent the last two months off and on arguing about these dates, and I still don't feel like we're solid. I want us to be solid before we bring anyone else into the relationship, especially someone I don't really know. But I also don't want to make him yank around this new person because of my insecurity, as, when I was a secondary, that really sucked.

-I am TERRIFIED that the new relationship giddiness is wearing thin and that he's just looking for a topup elsewhere. How many times and with how many people will I need to get comfortable with all this? But then, if you're not open at the beginning, when do you decide to open up? When are you ready? Will I ever be ready?

The boy said "there's never going to be a great time" and I keep feeling like he's right, but somehow he's managing to pick the worst times instead of the bad but not so bad times. I'm sure he's not doing any of that on purpose, but he's just not thinking about it. And, truth is, you can't afford not to think about all this stuff and be poly. He freely admits he's a bit of an emotional retard and I feel like that's a skill best to have a handle on BEFORE you invite someone new into your partners life, not DURING. But again, when do you decide? And he's already started, so how much of a dick would I be to tell him to stop?

Is this something I need to sort out on my own, or do he and I need to figure it out together? Is it my insanity or is it a reflection of actual issues in the relationship? I have no fucking idea, and it's giving me a headache to think about all the time. 

It's especially maddening as I used to be ok with this. Well, not entirely- I recall being pissy with Sh for talking about his dates, esp as he chose to date monogamous girls, and also I hated listening to Mono talk about the fun he had on other dates since he and I struggled to have sexyfuntime. Was it that, though, or am I and was I making excuses? I was generally fine when dating couples- I was totally included and surrounded with love when I was around, and did my own thing when I wasn't. I was ok with an old ex who was poly, but we were fluidbonded and he later admitted he wasn't using protection with at least one of the other girls, which added to my paranoia. I guess I was ok with it when I felt like I was a wanted commodity, and now that I feel a bit like a gooseberry I'm jaded and bitter. How cliche.

Obviously I just need to have my own dates. Maybe I should just hire one. ::sigh:: Why is getting a date so difficult? Am I truly that lame? 

Someone from Fetlife commented to me the following:
"For me, it's really hard to share my special someone that I have a deep love-bond with so I've established boundaries that work for us. I don't really care what others say about it. It's my own personal brand of sort-of monogamy that works for us. lol I guess you just have to find out what works for you, what keeps you sane and what you can wrap your mind around and not feel ashamed if you have limitations on what you can deal with even if they feel totally hypocritical or one-sided. If its going to work, it will. I know that doing things my way isn't equal at all and I don't really give a shit. I have my rules. Abide by them and help me stay happy and positive about us or go against them and unleash the bitch and watch me eventually check out of the relationship. I can only take what my brain will allow me to take, otherwise, I'd just be lying to myself and it would end with a big KABOOM! anyway."

This made me smile, and have a bit more compassion for my reactions to all this. I'm not alone, and that helps. Though when she said " But overly concerned about being fat, I'm not. Plenty of boys and girls throw themselves at me so my fat must be sexy" I realized a HUGE amount of my insecurity is around my sexual attractiveness. I always said to my grandma, who thinks I should lose at least 20lbs, that when people stopped wanting to fuck me I'd start getting worried about my weight. I don't know if I particularly want to lose weight. But I'm not getting the flirtation I used to. Is that a factor? Or is it that I just don't go out enough and don't seem to have the time so people don't bother? I'm not sure. I got into the whole poly thing because I was insecure and being slutty was a way to feel attractive... is that part of the issue now?


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