Holidays are stressful times. All the cooking, the family time, the pressure to get presents, the pressure to get the house tidy for entertaining, travel plans... whew. It's enough to drive anyone mad!

My fingertips, almost every single one, are either bleeding or have scabs. I have been so anxious for the last week that I've had to repaint my nails 4 times, and try as I might to keep myself from biting my cuticles, it hasn't helped.


I should be happy, right? I should be excited. Instead I'm nervous, the other side of the fluttery-stomach coin. Nervous because, after a little over two months, the boy is coming to see me, and I have no idea how that's going to go. We'e fought probably every week, some worse than others. He asked me if I missed him and I hesitated. I miss how things were... but will they every be that way again? Maybe the new relationship energy has flickered out with all the distance.


Right now he's off at an adult baby nursery, my attempt at a concession and compromise. Their site says they don't do anything sexual, but in a way, that's not what scares me. What scares me is this intimacy, so quickly shared with me, can just as easily be quickly transferred. I'm not exactly jealous as I am hurt, but then, this was my idea and done with my permission so it's my own damn fault I feel sick now. And I didn't know what else to suggest. It kills me that I don't feel like I make him feel safe or happy. 


I was excited and awake when we spoke last night- I had gotten beautiful flowers from him, and art, and some toys from Good Vibrations to test that I was happy about. I was really feeling snuggly and safe and even ok, I thought, with this session he was going to. I don't really know what happened- he says I picked a fight, I think he got jealous about another guy in my life and his sarcasm got me on the defensive, but whatever- next thing I know we're fighting, I don't want a story from him anymore and in fact begin to wonder if we can make this relationship work. 


He went off to this session with me not sure if I wanted to talk to him again- and then becoming sick with worry because there's snow everywhere, he's a new driver and I didn't want him to crash and die without me telling him I loved him, but I also didn't want him to think things were ok. He was late, because he stayed an extra hour to read me this story (not that he told me til after). And I've had 5 hours of sleep because I don't know if I'd rather it went well or terribly, and I love him and hate him all at once.


It's niggled in my head before- maybe I should leave him for his own good, give him time to find himself and sort his head out. It hurts so much to think about, but is that ripping the bandaid off instead of just letting us die a slow, painful death? I don't know. I know he loves me, or strongly believes he does, but I also know that his self-awareness is terrible. It could be codependency. I don't know.


I know what this is about. This is about trust. He's broken my trust before and a lot of my fears have to do with worries, not that he has ulterior motives, but rather that he just won't think. I know that if he goes to this session and comes back to me calmer and happy I should feel better, like I can trust him more. Instead I feel like I want to withdraw, to hide myself in a fetal position and not come out. It's a childishness I hate in myself. Is this love, or madness? Can this ever be healthy? Is it already dead?


I love him. 


I must, because if I didn't it wouldn't hurt so much and I wouldn't hesitate to drop him and move on. 


Apparently my friends aren't terribly good at questioning if he's not just another E, or something similar. I don't think he's as cruel or careless, though he's controlling in his own way- letting me go play with others and then being jealous and angry when I do. But I question entangling myself in his life any further when his emotional instability keeps battering itself again my own. The boy's in therapy, something E refused to do, and that's something, but is it enough? None of these things on their own are that bad, they just accumulate. I want to wipe the slate clean but don't know how. 


I feel like what I really need is his arms around me to know what my heart needs, but that has to wait. Waiting, waiting, waiting, I feel like all I do is wait. Wait for divorce, wait for the visa, wait for the boy to get home, wait for him to wake up, wait for permission, wait for the explosion. 


Antoine de Saint-Exupery said "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction". Can we manage that? The boy, my little fox... he's tamed me as surely as I've tamed him, and it wrenches at my heart. Is this love, or just suffering? Am I capable of having a healthy relationship, ever? How broken am I?

He comes in 5 days. Am I ready?

Now that's a holiday card! Xmas deer gimp card, exclusively from CCK

A hamper means something very different to Americans than it does to the Brits, I find. We put dirty clothes in hampers- they put delicious food and holiday treats. Which hamper would you rather have delivered to your door? Apparently we call them "gift baskets"... I like hampers better, I must say.

Christmas hampers have a long history of being something given as a charity object- a wicker box filled with food, drink, and household supplies, with the holiday one maybe including festive bits and toys as well. Rather recently they've become something you can gift to others- often somewhat extravagant, but sometimes a neat little selection of nice things. It's perfect for the person who wants to give a lover or friend a selection of items but is too busy to put together a good array of goodies. Here I give some British and American examples filled with all sorts of lovely things- maybe you'll feel tempted to give someone a hamper for your holiday..?

For the Bathing Beauty: The Noir Hamper

A Paris vibrating duckie, resplendent in a removable feather boa and with a little sparkling jewel on her beak, reclines gracefully in this hamper created by Coffee, Cake, and Kink.

Filled with FYI Chocolates, Monmouth coffee, glamorous nipple adornments and luxuriously packaged condoms, along with other goodies, this is a perfect hamper for that pinup princess or sultry sweetheart in your life.

For the Discerning Foodie: The Classic Christmas Hamper 

Who else but the glorious Fortnum and Mason could create such an array of foodstuffs? It's definitely a slice of Britain, with orange marmalade, Christmas pudding, cognac butter and mulling spices. Mmm.

And of course it wouldn't be British without multiple types of alcohol, would it? A light white wine, a sparkling wine, and, naturally, a claret (anyone who's watched "Supersizers Go" with me will laugh at that). But don't worry, there's also tea and biscuits, and apparently a musical biscuit tin- totally magical and fun.

For the Person Always Baking Holiday Goodies: Penzeys Baker Assortment

I don't know about you, but for me the holidays means lots of sweet, spicy smells coming from the kitchen. Cinnamon, vanilla, cloves, nutmeg- these are what makes Christmas so warm and magical. Well, this is one of my favourite spice companies, with a fantastic selection of spices to please any baker. Two kinds of cinnamon, ground ginger, vanilla extract, minced lemon zest, cocoa, poppy seeds, cardamom, and cloves means that this, once given away, may well give back to you- in the form of sweet breads, family cookies, and rich pies. Yum.

For the Cruelty Conscious: the Vegan Cookie Gift Basket

It can be hard to find special treats for the vegans in your life, and with all the Christmas food it can be even harder to feel included in the holiday cheer- so I was really happy to find a vegan cookie selection that can be sent off for the festivities!

With Chocolate Chip, Peanut Butter, Lemony Lemon, Oatmeal Raisin Walnut, Banana Nut and Cinnamon Twist to try, what better present can you give?

For the Boy with the Cute Ass: The Keep Busy Hamper

Another delight from Coffee, Cake, and Kink, this box is for the boys- or a glamorous way to suggest anal play to a novice lover! Lelo's toys feature here, as well they should- Lelo makes some of the nicest toys I've ever played with. You get a rechargeable cock ring named Bo, some Mr B lubricant, and a lovely p-spot stimulating toy called Bob. Keep your energy up for the night ahead with Monmouth's delicious coffee and FYI Chocolates.

For the Homesick or Wannabe Brit: The Fortmason Hamper

I know I'm not the only one missing the UK this Christmas, especially as they just got snow (lucky bastards!) This hamper promises to make you feel at home, wherever you are- I don't know if that's true, but you'll certainly feel pleasantly full. With a Christmas cake and pudding, marmalade biscuits, breakfast blend tea and Christmas chutney (what, curry is the national dish after all!) along with many other nom-a-licious things, you'll certainly have that British flair to your holiday table.

For the Gluten-free Glutton: The Happy Holidays Selection

Entertaining is complicated at the best of times- add an allergy into that and it can be hellish! Not an issue with this gluten-free snack selection- it has crackers, cookies, and candy to enjoy. Also included is some smoked salmon, mulling spices and dried cranberries. Yum. The website also has other baskets dedicated to various food allergies, so if gluten-free isn't an issue but soy-free is, give it a look!

Most of these websites have other hampers/gift baskets available- I'm enchanted by several on the Coffee Cake and Kink site, like the Moulin Pourpre hamper, though CCK will also make one up for you specially if you want to change some things around. I think gift baskets and hampers are generally great ideas- if a hamper doesn't suit, maybe take the contents out and put it in a stocking..? Lots of little presents are always more fun to open, at least in my mind!

Wishing you a Leather Christmas- card available at CCK

It goes up to 11.

I know. It doesn't look like much. Like some weird electronics gizmo your geeky boyfriend gets you that reads radio signals or something.

But this little box is the secret between "omg my Hitachi Magic Wand is my favourite toy" and "my Hitachi and I have a date pretty much every day and we snuggle afterwards".

It's the Wand Controller at Babeland.

You know how the Hitachi has two settings- "pleasant, and intense, but takes a little while" and "I can no longer feel my labia"? This gadget allows you to have multiple settings- the dial means that now, your Hitachi is variable, from low and mild to earthquake. Oh yes. I came the fastest I have ever cum thanks to this box (and we're talking from 45 minutes down to 10).

Plus it adds 6' of cord to your Wand, tho you might want to dial close to hand for ease of use. The dial is great especially because even if your fingers are lube-y you can still use it. Brilliant. I can't wait to introduce other lovers to this toy!

So if you know someone who loves their Hitachi but would enjoy turning it from a 2-speed toy into a TOTAL TOY OF AWESOMESAUCE, you may want to pop over to Babeland and make that happen.

Also definitely check out their special Getting Feels Good Too contest! They're giving away one high quality, pricey toy to a lucky winner each week, from now til Christmas, and you want to get in on that action.

I'm quite possibly crazy.

It's been suggested I have lots of things- severe depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, borderline personality disorder. I don't really subscribe to any of those except, perhaps, bipolar- anyway, whatever I have, I'm pretty good at managing it most of the time. Or so I tell myself- I mean, I do still have impulsive tendencies, both on the manic and depressed sides of the spectrum. Still, generally I'm at a level state- a bit more panicky than others, maybe, but functional, even happy.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 12, basically right when I was discovering my sexuality. I was immediately put on medication and my weird relationship with my sexuality started then. I was one of the last children I knew to lose my virginity- partially because I was deeply in love with one guy, but also because I wasn’t particularly rarin’ to go thanks to Zoloft and Lithium. Lithium also made me gain weight, something that made high school near unbearable.

I spent a lot of time in and out of institutions for troubled teenagers- places teeming with hormones out of control. But I noticed there were two types of kids- asexual ones, or ones who did sexual things in order to feel anything, anything at all. Not the healthiest way to relate to your pink bits! It taught me a lot about sex and mental illness. I knew I needed to develop some ideas on things to try to make it work in a healthier way.

When I first started having sex with more than one person, I was very uncomfortable with my weight, had scars on my arms from cutting, and was generally trying to fuck my way to better self esteem. I desperately wanted to be accepted and told I was pretty, because I didn't believe it. My depression was like a haze through which I saw everything, including sex, and it took some intensity to make it break through the clouds. For me at least, depression went either of two unhealthy ways- never wanting to have sex, or lots of promiscuous, numb sex with people in a quest to find meaning and self-worth through orgasms. It didn't really work.

Then there was a period of time where I was struggling with flashbacks and couldn't stand to be erotically touched. That went on for 6 months at least, though I begrudgingly allowed myself to be touched sexually even when I wasn't in the mood after that 6 months. I'm still twitchy about sexual touch sometimes- it can occasionally feel demanding, or  serve to remind me that I can't cum like other people, making me feel inadequate.

Even today there are days when sexual energy drains me beyond belief, and days when it leaves me singing in my blood. And it's very hard to anticipate which is which, even now, when most of the offer effects of an unstable mood are behind me.

In relationships, I've noticed is that I am a rescuer, or perhaps just a wallower. Oh god yes. I am attracted to people who are like me- potentially mentalists. They tend to seem like my people- artistic, politically frustrated, sexually experimental, interested in the macabre. I fall for people who are like shelter cats- in need of a little more love and care to make them feel safe. Skittish people, sometimes, or people who will strike out when scared. Sometimes it works out ok- the girlfriend who needs lots of alone time to build up her energy is happy for me to go out and see other people, for example. Sometimes it doesn't- the poly-curious girl who has a poor body image and anxiety disorder can struggle to put herself out there and meet people, or the long distance depressed boyfriend can struggle to accept their lover having other local lovers. It's easy as it stands for jealousy to cause anxiety and/or self-blame, but it becomes potentially a minefield when you add emotional instability to that.

This means I've had a lot of experience on both sides of the vibrator of sex and mentalism.

Struggling with mental health issues in a "sex positive" community can be really difficult. The continuous loud declarations of hatred for "baggage" or "drama" can lead to people who have trauma histories or depression feeling isolated and unwanted, or like they have to hide their issues to fit in. There's not a lot of open, friendly, accepting discussion on this, something I find really troublesome. Sex and kink are fun, sure, but both also lead to us relating to our emotional states sometimes very differently- we might be triggered by a specific word said in a scene, for example, or fall into a depression when orgasm is impossible to achieve. This, too, is part of being sex positive, in my opinion- welcoming and talking about when things are difficult.

I'm a traveler. With one foot in San Francisco and one in London, I'm always on the move, never quite settled down, my purse always having a few condoms, some travel packets of lube and maybe a tiny vibrator... just in case. Tis the season for flying and driving to see family and friends... here's some gifts for those in your life with a bit of wanderlust.

For the Femme Who Can't Choose: 6 Wanderlust Imps' Ears from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab

How wonderful is Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab- enchanting scents to please all sorts of people, from bookworms to steampunks, Cthulhu worshippers to adventurers. But one of the best ideas, I think, is to shop their Wanderlust collection for places your gift recipient has gone or wants to go- they can get sent 6 imps' ears, mini samples, for $22- a steal, considering these are high quality perfume oils- a dab goes a long way.

And yes, for those dandies out there, most of their scents are unisex in nature- perfect for lightly scenting their handkerchief for the next lovely lady to cross their path.

For the Victorian Time Traveler Flying by Balloon: The Leather Passport Holder and Purse

The leather case is lovely, and makes it easier to find their passport in a bag full of knick knacks from travels abroad... and in the past or future.

Sturdy, a leather cover will keep their information safe from a brush with flame, the teeth of wild animals, or the experiments of an evil scientist.

For the Sleep Deprived Air Traveler: "On Cloud Nine" Eyemask

It's difficult to sleep on a plane- somewhat cramped spaces, people chatting, kids crying. Depending on their airline, your friend might have things to watch, but sometimes they just need to get a good night's sleep.

Well, a mask like this may allow them to slumber in style. Made of silk, these masks also work excellently as blindfolds for gentle sensory deprivation scenes. There's many styles to choose from, I just found this one rather clever!

For the Friend Who Works Too Hard: The Sensual Sampler

With so many possibilities for massage, kissing, and licking in this kit, they'll be hard-pressed to decide which to do first! It's hard to get a workaholic to relax, no matter what you do. With 2 mini Rub Me massage bars, 1 Smooch Me lip lube, a 1oz Ignite Me massage candle, 1 .5oz Knead Me massage lotion, 1 .5oz Devour Me lickable oil, 1 .5oz Touch Me massage oil, and finally, 1 Lust Dust edible body powder, they'll be able to put their work behind and melt into a sensual experience, all fingers, tongues and lips.

One of the best things about this kit is that all the products are appropriately travel sized, so they don't have to worry about repackaging- perfect for the person on the go.

For the Friend who Hates Souvenirs: The London Skyline Acrylic Necklace

I love traveling but never want to gather up kitsch to take home (not entirely true, actually- I did take home a woman-shaped bottle full of vodka from Poland, but I digress). This Etsy shop not only has the London skyline, but LA, Chicago, NYC, San Francisco, Paris, Sydney...
Hip, crisp, and definitely original.

For the Carbon-Conscious Friend who Can't Give Up Twitter: The Ecobutton

This little gadget plugs into their USB port- every time they walk away from their desk, they can tap the button. The gadget makes sure their tech draws in as little power as possible.

Even better, they can feel self-righteous when they return to see how many carbon units they've saved through using this device- the software lets you know each time. Nifty!

For the Friend Who Wanks in Airplane Bathrooms... Or More: The Mile High Club

Yes, a whole book devoted to sex in airplanes! How delicious. From VIP passengers to people making air travel commutes, this books covers all sorts of steamy encounters that happen in the air.

If your friend is the sort of person who enjoys the thrill of getting dirty under the regulation blankets, this book may be for them. There's perverted pilots and sultry stewardesses, all making their own entertainment while in the air.

Hey, in-flight movies aren't always enough, am I right?

With a collection of gifts like these, your traveling friends will remember you fondly, wherever they go!

Remember, Good Vibrations is offering free shipping on orders over $50 til Dec 16th: they also have lots of gift guides for you to check out, so click below to start browsing!

For your partner on the quest for the G Spot: the Gigi Vibe

So I got lucky and won a Gigi from Good Vibrations during their Vibrate the Vote campaign. Trust me, you want one of these around your bed.

It's rechargeable, which is really nice. It's got multiple speeds and settings- I really liked the most intense, steady vibration. I didn't find the buttons too hard to control, even with my fingers a bit slippery.

But what makes this toy amazing, and THE toy for anyone in your life looking for the big G, is how it feels inside. OMG. I don't squirt terribly easily but this toy was an automatic gush machine. WINNER. But bring a towel!

For the Queer Vintage Smut Lover: Bordello

I'm going to have to admit. I only saw snippets of this porn, because it was so hot that it encouraged me and the pretty boy I was with to, erm, get busy. So I can't give you my usual play by play.

What I CAN tell you is that the cast is totally hot, the sex is cock- or clit-hardening, and I loved watching the stars using potential murder weapons to get themselves and each other off. How great is that? April Flores, Billy Castro, James Darling, Tina Horn, Akira Raine..! It's excellent, it's queer, and it has just enough of a plot to be fun, not dragged down by it. If Bordello isn't necessarily to your taste, try "Speakeasy", another production by the same director, reviewed here.

For the Not-So-Vanilla Friend, or the Lover you Wish to Tempt: the Indulgence Kit

With an excellent, strong, pretty and discreet rechargeable vibrator (the Nea), a purple silk blindfold, and an Ambiance massage candle, this kit promises sensual, delicately kinky pleasures.

The massage candle offers an enjoyable warm soy wax that melts into a massage oil to spread on the skin, while allowing you to sample wax play. The blindfold is a soft way to introduce sensory deprivation into your play... and the vibrator? I'm sure you can find a use for that.

For the Hippie/Burner in Your Life: Earth Angel Hand-Powered Vibrator

We all know that horrible feeling- you're mid-wank, getting so...close...to...cumming... when your vibrator betrays you and gives up the ghost. Now you need to stop everything and dig out batteries, or plug it in for an hour. By the time everything's set again, you've lost interest. Or you're out at Burning Man and just don't want to bring a lot of disposable MOOP-y batteries... or a generator just so you can get off. What to do?

Never fear! This vibrator is like those windable flashlights, except it's a pretty intense toy. Mmmm. Perfect for that barefoot tree hugger in your life- or someone who can never seem to find those double As!

For the Shy Stripper, or the Tongue Tied Dirty Talker: Exhibitionism for the Shy


I have the original copy of this book and I think it's fantastic. The new version has a foreword by Nina Hartley, along with new interviews including Margaret Cho, Audacia Ray, and Violet Blue. 


With Carol Queen's inimitable voice calmly guiding the reader through all sorts of things, from verbal filth to sex parties, even the shyest of exhibitionists will feel safer and more comfortable. 


This should give you a little sampling of ideas: also check out my other gift guides- Hard To Shop For and Stuff Your Stocking. Or, if you need help, comment on my blog and let my Present Ninja skillz work for you!

Now, I live in a world of sexuality, porn, and mostly responsible hedonism. When it comes to the holidays, however directly or indirectly, often my presents have to do with that fact. But I don't want to be boring and just get the same old thing- "oh yeah, thanks, handcuffs, yawn". And there's often people on your list that you just DON'T know what to get them. Well, never fear- I am like a present NINJA and I'm here to help.

For the Geeky Triad in Your Life: Cuddly Microbes

This is a tradition for me. Every year I pick one sexually/romantically transmitted microbe to give to my primary lovers. The first year it was syphilis, the second year gonorrhea.

I can't say which one I used this year cause the lucky(?) recipients read this blog, but I can tell you the petri dish of three microbes is perfect for a poly stocking stuffer- one per lover. Or get a big one to snuggle all night long. I would recommend tuberculosis or cholera, myself....

For the New, Queer Parent (or any queer-savvy parent): My Princess Boy

I adore this book. It made me cry, reading it. I think it's a great lesson, not just in teaching anti-bullying lessons, but in teaching that gender expression is fluid... and ok.

The illustrations are simple but effective, and, if you haven't heard the story behind this book, read up on it. It'll warm your grinch-y heart.

For the Frequent Travelling Activist: A Joque Harness and Soft Pack


With the new TSA guidelines saying you either need to go through a backscatter or be groped to fly, there's been loads of suggestions on how to protect your genitals while making a point. Good Vibrations might not be your first idea, but I think a Joque harness, which looks like a jockstrap, and their Sailor soft pack tucked inside would be a great way to cover your self while making the TSA feel pretty uncomfortable. After all, they can't tell you you can't wear it- there's no rules against it, and no metal...

Plus, this is a beautifully made, washable, vegan strap on harness, and who doesn't need one of those?

For the Macho Femme in Your Life: Hammer Earrings


How fucking rad are these? DIY chic to the max! I love how simple these are- not super girly, just adorable mini-hammers.

These are unexpected but really fun and reasonably priced. What better way to acknowledge your macho femme's ability to construct shelves and fix the house up and looking fabulous while doing it?

For the Mad Scientist Girl on Skullcrusher Mountain: A Literal Sweet Heart tee

How adorable is this teeshirt from Thinkgeek? Anyone who knows me knows I have a love for molecules- well, this shirt features a sucrose molecule and an anatomical heart diagram. Awww!

Finding cute nerdy shirts for women is always fun and this is one of the best Thinkgeek ones I've seen. It's kind of gruesome, in a disgustingly sweet sort of way.

Hopefully this'll give you a nice head start for Cyber Monday- soon to be followed by Gift Guide 2: Holiday Harlots!