Ok, now that I've distracted you with hot girl... (and doesn't she need to come with sushi..?)

A couple weeks ago I had a nightmare in which Sh introduced me to his new girlfriend, and she told me how they were going to get married and how in love they were- and when I escaped outside to gather my thoughts, he came after me and ended up falling off a building to his death.

I woke up today and my facebook tarot card was Death.

I know, I know, Death, not the scary card, not really (and thank god it wasn't the Tower, right?) but just a symbol of change, of things rebirthing, newness, new directions, the death of that which is now gone and the birth of something new.

(Actually, typing that out, I mistyped "birth" to make that sentence "the bitch of something new"- which is also often true. Just saying.)

Still, it was a bit of a kick in an already anxious, queasy stomach. The last thing I need now is more change, more adaptation to do. Sometimes I wonder if my attempts to accept and embrace change in my life has just marked me to the Gods as a sucker. And of course it can't come in halves, nope. I often end up in a situation where I'm struggling to catch my breath in between batterings of the change variety.

Apparently my blogs about the mono/nonmono debate and the GFE was too much for Mo, along with the time and distance making it difficult to stay in touch. He said he was with me out of insecurity, that being insecure kept him coming back for more- which is pretty much one of the cruelest things he could've said. In a way, I'm upset, hurt, sad, offended- in another it's almost a relief. It makes my decision to move to the UK much easier- as each thread is severed, it leaves me free to go my own way.

I'm shocked, to be honest, as how insulting he chose to be in the end, as he has a reputation as a nice guy, almost to a fault. I suppose I should be proud of him for being a dick, which is close to having balls, though not quite the same. ::sigh::

Add to that being confronted with Sh (who is a close friend that I still love dearly, annoyingly) and Sh's girlfriend (who I haven't met) last night while working on placement for an art project. I wanted to meet her- she seems very cool, into similar things, pretty, also from the balmy shores of California. I had wanted to meet her one on one, so we could get to know each other as individuals, without Sh there... instead of the ex meets current awkwardness that would otherwise ensue. But since she wasn't comfortable with that, I agreed to go to a party for her, as long as I could bring someone to make it a little easier anxiety-wise. I was cool with that. That interaction was going to happen tomorrow, and I'd have sat with it, done what I needed to feel ok, and chilled myself out.

Instead, I had to deal with it unexpectedly last night, on my own, nothing in place. And it was ok for about a half an hour, where I was friendly (I think) and tried to help with her project, chat with Sh a bit (who, I think, has no empathy about how uncomfortable this made me)... until I suddenly felt my anxiety grab my throat and stomach. Feeling hot, and like I was going to vomit, cry, or both at once, I hastily made my goodbyes and fled, feeling crazy and angry with myself for not being about to keep it together. And I feel like I kind of have to make an appearance tomorrow in order to be politic (and thank GOD La will be there to pay attention to me and pet my hair and prevent a panic attack) but I feel as I knew I would- that Sh's girlfriend doesn't really want to or care about making friends with me, that we're both doing this for Sh, and that Sh doesn't get how SHE'LL get comfort and security from him as aftercare, and I'll be tossed to fend for myself emotionally when I'm already rather fragile. Yay.

And then, today. Today was the declaration of intent for marriage, which scared me (as government anything tends to, to be honest, though I act otherwise). That bit went smoothly (E was amazingly supportive and comforting, which I'm truly grateful for), though the lady processing it wasn't really sure of her computer system... but the train. OMFG the train. First I missed the right train coming out, and managed to get lucky and take another right after- but on the way back, I was in Colchester, boarded the train, got all set up, when it was delayed, then cancelled. No signal. Not in one place, either, no, all the way from Colchester to London. No trains, no idea when there would be others, or what replacement bus service there'd be.

I just about crumpled on the platform to cry. I was so ready to give up. Even now there's tension so tight in my chest I feel difficulty inhaling and exhaling.

Thank god, seriously, for my friends. La has basically been helping me keep a grip on some semblence of sanity. Syph kindly made me a Spotify music list to cheer me up. T&A and H (who I'll have to make proper names for eventually) have been there for me to snuggle me and keep me busy (and often drunk- again, thank god).

When I have this much shit going on it's really hard to work. I'm anxious about money when I'm not working, but I'm getting so clenched up that I think I would offer a shitty session. As a Domme, I'd just spaz out and then cry for the rest of the time... or I'd go too hard, or something. As an escort I think I'd just disassociate, unable to handle all the shit in my personal life and caring about someone else.

And I'm going to say now, cause this pisses me off- NO, it's not about the fucking work. If anything, sometimes the work saves me, because it puts me back in the moment. If I had any other job I'd be on autopilot, and frankly, most bosses prefer you that way. I'm sick of feeling like I can't complain about my work or my personal life in the arena of my work without some agenda-riddled bitch of a "feminist" telling me how it's because I'm so terribly exploited by sex work. I hate feeling like I can't say my day at work sucked because I'll be letting down the sex worker side politically.

You wanna talk about exploited? How about the fact you have to get married to have any real rights if you and your partner are from two different countries? That's incredibly exploitative. How about not having access to free texting for my phone, or a proper bank account, because I don't live here legally yet, so I'm dependent on my savings and pay-as-you-go? Or how about the fact that unless you're a legal tenant, your landlord doesn't have to give your deposit back, or even justify to anyone why?

Still.

For all that anger, there's still a girl in me who is sad to have been dumped, to have been replaced, to have to face that replacement and smile pretty while her heart is acid burned.

I may be a hooker, or a dominatrix, or whatever, but ultimately, I'm still a girl.

So I've written about girlfriend experiences before, because it's a dynamic I find really interesting- men wanting space to be vulnerable, and talk about what they're going through, to a woman who will pet their head and tell them it'll be ok.. even if they pay her. And there's that question of, can you maintain that intimacy while still maintaining the professional boundaries?

And what do you do when you no longer want to maintain those boundaries... when you want to take it personal? And how do you deal with the fallout?

On Monday I saw the film "The Girlfriend Experience", a movie set in New York and focused on the experiences of an escort trying to maintain a relationship with her personal trainer boyfriend while doing her work with high class clients. There's a running theme about money and comfort, as many of her clients have been affected by the recession and on some level use her to feel better... and also about body as commodity, with both the escort, Chelsea, and her trainer boyfriend, Chris, selling their bodies and a sense of well-being to their clients, albeit in different ways. There's also something to be said for there being a theme of isolation, of trying to connect with someone, anyone, even for a moment- and that crushing feeling when you make that effort and they don't reach out for you in return.

Sasha Gray's acting was pretty flat, but I think they aimed for that- that sense of her being shielded, all the time, with everyone. The attempts of the clients to break through that, too, was familiar, though not directly- I am pretty genuine all the time, clients or not.  A quote from the film:

"What do men want for a Girlfriend Experience? 'They want what they want you to be', Chelsea says. 'If they wanted you to be yourself, they wouldn't be paying you.'

Personally, I haven't found that to be true. I suspect Sh liked that I was clumsy and silly and real, not just a caricature of female dominance, but someone who really loves this stuff and trips on her own heels and is a real person. That said, it's equally hard to be emotionally open- because you can't be entirely honest, but if you're not somewhat open, they won't open up to you either. So while I don't think I could do Chelsea's blankness, being that canvas for the client to paint and create (in, ultimately, their own image), it's fucking hard to be yourself too. Sometimes I just want to do my work, I don't want to be the evangelist for polyamory or kink or queerness. But at the same time, because of that openness and the questions I get in return, I feel a responsibility to educate that's hard to turn off.

More interesting than the film, for me, was the reaction of the audience. There were moments I laughed that they didn't, and moments they laughed that I found sadly touching, like the moment at the end when Chelsea hugs this older, chunky Orthodox Jewish guy, and he shudders- it's so touching to me, and so sad that anyone would be craving human touch that badly... Add to that the experience of the question and answer period, where I felt Sasha could have used her presence to educate people on the options about legalization vs decriminalization, or women and victimization in porn (both the pros and cons), or being a sex positive feminist. She said that she felt all women were feminists, which is sort of a cop out- I feel like feminism takes consciousness about the choices you make and why. And it annoyed me that people asked things like "would you encourage your daughters to follow in your footsteps" and "what do your parents think", questions that have been used forever to tell women to shut up and sit down about their sexuality because of family values. Grrr. Sasha tried, I think, as she drew parallels to the relative morality of porn performers vs politicians,  but I just wish she had said a bit more. I felt like she let a lot of questions lie unanswered. Granted, she's a performer, not an escort, and it's a very different experience...

I went to go see "The Girlfriend Experience" with Sh (an ex-client of mine, now an excellent friend) which was both awkward but provided a chance for a really good discussion for how he felt when I did take that step from the professional to a personal relationship. In the film, Chelsea feels she really clicked with a client, agrees to spend the weekend with him, and is crushed when he doesn't meet her at the hotel he booked in the country. I have total empathy for Chelsea in that moment- you don't know what will happen when the boundaries are blurred, and you can never go back after you make that step. I don't know what I would've done if Sh had backed out around shopping for toys and fetish clothes... but he didn't, and he's been getting so, so much better about taking a risk and seeing what might happen instead of turning tail. I have a lot of respect for that. At the same time, I totally felt for Chelsea in the movie- the idea that you might meet and click with these guys at work, but they may never respect you as a person, as a viable lover and partner. You're always going to be that bit on the side, by nature of your profession. 

I left this movie feeling a mixture of frustration with the audience and the lack of sex workers there to say what they thought about the movie, and their responses, pleased that Sasha said that the two escorts she spoke to had dated and/or married their clients (suggesting these aren't bad men), somewhat awkward about being there with Sh, regretful for how things began and finished with him, and determination to stay active and outspoken to challenge people's beliefs about sex work.

But the big joy of the night was this- Sh told his girlfriend about his paying for two sessions with me. This is possibly one of the most amazing things someone has done in a long time. He's never been honest with the people around him about me and, as much as I tried not to take it personally, and knew it was about the status of the client in society vs being the worker, it still hurt. For him to have told her was just... really heartwarming, and special, and made me feel... I dunno. Cared about. Respected.

It just made me a little wistful for the day that I will be a girlfriend, and not just a GFE.

It'll happen. Patience.

Would I see the movie again? Probably. It wasn't the movie that was incredible to me as it was the questions and thoughts that cropped up, though.

I don't even know if I can begin to describe how amazing this last weekend was.

For now, I'll just say this:

-had a lot of fun latex browsing with a very cute girl, who I'm going to call Tm (typhoid mary, I think she'll approve)- I enjoy hanging out with her, because she's similarly into cephalopods, geeky things, and clothes, and she's gorgeous and smart. Hanging out with her has been really fun and I feel lucky to have her in my life!

-had an amazing date with a cute boy- and saw Jonathan Coulton, who is basically a rock geek god as far as I'm concerned. The perfect set, a great venue, and JoCo broke the cover off usb drive I bought with all his music and whatnot on it- so he gave me another for free, and signed it. :D

-then went to a private party with the aforementioned Tm, and another girl who I'd like to call La (lead acetate, or lead sugar). We were all sort of apprehensive, being three girls going to a sex party, but it was really fun! La, with her big eyes, asked me to help Tm cotop her, and, well, I obliged. I'm a giver, what can I say? Tm got her hands a bit dirty, and La left a puddle on the floor. It was delicious. I was even lucky enough to bring La home with me for more fun and snuggles. And I have a big old crush on La now... the prettiest pony evar. :D God, did ever a girl look so sexy in a bit gag? I mean, really. It just shouldn't be allowed.

-Sunday was the Kinky Salon meeting- yes, we're looking at starting a London version of Kinky Salon.. it'll be very private and very silly. It was a very productive meeting, though we're still in a place to keep a lot of info under wraps. Still, I'm excited for it, as is the crew!

-then on Monday Sh took me to go see "Girlfriend Experience" with Sasha Gray. My reaction that is basically tomorrow's blog, so I'll leave it for now. I'll just say I was touched in a few places of the movie that I think only an escort would get- and found the reaction of the audience almost more interesting than the film itself... In addition, I learned some stuff about Sh that made me really proud of his progress. God, he's grown a lot and opened a lot since I first met him...! The main thing is, he was finally honest with someone about how we met- his girlfriend- and she accepted it without any issue. This is a huge deal for me, because feeling like I have to hide my work and/or be ashamed of it is really difficult. To be accepted that easily, and for him to get the courage to say that he was a client of mine, is just amazing. I felt and feel accepted and cared about, in a weird way. I feel... embraced, in a way he hadn't before. And it makes me feel good that he isn't ashamed anymore.

Hopefully I have a few unique clients this week- definitely will on the weekend as I have an interesting couple to play with!

There's a big monogamy vs polyamory brainfuck going on in my head at the moment, probably because I'm as single as I've even been.

I'm sitting in Soho at Sh's flat, snuggled into a bed that's an oasis of warmth in an otherwise cold room. It's sort of strange, really, as I haven't been here overnight since that last horrible night in January, before I flew back to California- he's letting me stay while he visits his girlfriend abroad. I keep feeling weird twinges of nostalgia mixed with maybe a touch of regret and some loneliness- it feels so comfortable and familiar and yet somehow so distant. So much tenderness, and trust was exchanged here... but also so much strife, so many tears. And yet here I am, like none of it happened, yet with the weight of that history hitting me like a brick.

Who is controlled for gain? Anyone who uses a booking agent. Not pop stars or after-dinner speakers or concert pianists, of course. Just any sex worker with a booking agent. Anyone who shares the rent on a flat with someone else in the trade. Practically anyone who isn't working in absolute isolation, where she is most vulnerable to assault and least accessible to support services. Obviously, forcing women to work alone makes the legal activity of selling sex a much more dangerous business.

Under the new bill, a punter is at fault even if he didn't know the vendor was "controlled", so anyone who buys sex, even from someone who says he or she is working voluntarily, is at risk if she later turns out to have been sharing a flat, for instance. Right now, punters provide the police with most of their tips about sex workers who are potentially coerced or underage. But if reporting your suspicions might land you in jail yourself, you're going to be a lot less forthcoming. Obviously, then, criminalising men who buy sex will make it harder to find and help the small number of women who are genuinely forced or terrorised into selling sex."

We've all either heard it said to us, or been that person to say it to someone else... "get a job". In SF, it's usually followed with "ya fucking hippie", granted, but the sentiment remains the same.

It's an interesting one, getting a job. I got a job when I was 18, because I was living on my own and it was my senior year of school. I couldn't balance the full time job I needed with class, so I dropped out and got my GED, which fit my work schedule better.

I hung out with some gutterpunks both in California and Massachusetts, and met up with squatters and the Space Hijackers in London. I had fun, and learned a few valuable lessons.

1- getting a job is not so easy. And yes, I'm including shit jobs here, ones that barely pay your expenses (if they do at all, after taxes). In order to get a job, you need to have access to interview clothes, a shower, a phone number you can be reached at, sometimes the internet. To get free internet from the library you need proof you're living somewhere. You might need money for transport to and from the job (and that might come out of your meager food money). Never mind the fact that you have to be emotionally sound enough to hold onto a job in the first place (something I, as a manic-depressive Goth kid, was not capable of at the time, though thankfully I worked at a shop where they were patient with my mania and depression and gently taught me to be professional at work). Be glad most of you reading this are in a country where you don't have to worry about health care, because over here we had to add that to the pot. Most entry level, temporary, part time, or low paying jobs don't offer any health care or vacation in exchange for your 40 hours a week.

2-"get a job", as a sentiment, suggests that a job is worth having. Quite frankly, that depends a lot on how you like to live. If you are any good at freeganism, for example, your living costs can be vastly minimized- one of my friends here dumpster dives from the organic grocery stores when they close, and they toss things like soy milk because the corner is dented! He and his wife, both in their late 30s, haven't bought groceries for 3 months. This affords them more money to spend on things they like, and minimizes the amount of time they need to spend working. I don't work here in the States because I get minimal health care when I don't work... and it could be years to get health care at a job. For a lot of people, this means their medications, say, would no longer be covered- so yes, they might get a job, but even then, they might not be able to get access to their meds, or therapy, or STI checkups. Crazy, yes, but it certainly doesn't pay to penalize people to get them to go to a job!

3-"get a job" is usually spoken to mean "get a REAL job". A job in an office. A job where you have a boss. Personally, I love living on the fringes and not being a wage slave in an office. I get to decide what I want to do, for how much, if I want to trade for things and services I need or money for the things I can't trade for. I work for myself, I have an eclectic number of skills, and I survive acceptably on that. I've been told I don't take my job seriously enough, and maybe I don't- but I have enough to live on, and enough to travel here and there, and that's enough for me. Once you've lived on the streets, you know you need shelter, warmth, and food... pretty much the rest is optional luxuries. Baths are preferable, I'll give you that.

I worked in an office 40 hours a week and, while the money was good, my quality of life was terrible. I felt ignored at best, and treated like chattel at worst. I was stressed, I had to look at the clock all the time, I had to constantly worry about the fact it was a temp position and I could lose it at any time.

Quitting and finding other ways to survive and thrive saved me. It might look irresponsible to some people, but I can promise you- when I look at the unhappy, pinched faces of commuters, I'm relieved I got out.

I'm no slacker. I doubt many people would accuse me of that. I decided early on that if the choice was 3 part time mall jobs or Dominatrix work for 3x the money, um... it was no contest. I do what I love, I decide on my rates, I work when I need the money and am clever about saving it, I decide on my limits, and I take vacations when I want to, even if my vacation is just to roll in the grass for a week. This also gives me the spare time to volunteer for charities like the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, or food banks here. I have time to garden, and to work on other little money making projects, and to write. Not having a job certainly doesn't see me sleeping all day or loitering around... but I could. And that choice makes all the difference.

All that said- if I managed to land a job somewhere that reflected the things I enjoy, like a comic book store, or the library? I'd be working again in a heartbeat. But I would never encourage someone to "get a job" for the sake of having one. I recommend get creative, and get comfortable with discomfort- you WILL live in a squat sometimes in order to make this work, and maybe that doesn't work for you. And that's fair enough as well- everyone makes their own choices. Following your heart and your dreams isn't a recommended thing for people who need stability and safety. But hot damn! I'm glad I did, for sure.

Interesting reading: 10 reasons you should never get a job. And "How to be Idle", and the Idler in general.