hey, jealousy

There's a big monogamy vs polyamory brainfuck going on in my head at the moment, probably because I'm as single as I've even been.

I've been in the poly world since I was 18, if not a bit before, really. I always had multiple relationships going on, whether it be via cheating or polyamory or serial monogamy. I know that my eyes tend to wander, and the rest of me follows close behind. Never mind that my work requires I have sexual and kinky intimacy with strangers! So, monogamy? Not really something in my radar, and in general, I've been ok with that.
But the people around me are no longer in the same whirl of romance. Many, if not most, of them are settling down, coupling up, moving in together, nesting.
And I'm jealous.
I'm jealous because it's been a good long while since I was someone's primary. In fact, it's been a year, officially, though unofficially I'd say it was more like a year and a half. The men I date tend to be motivated at work, which is lovely, but also tends to mean that work is the primary. And/or, they tend to be in other relationships already- so the person may be my primary, but I'm their secondary. And yes, of course, we can debate the use of terms and boxes and labels- but the fact is, there's the person you have meet your family, the person you spend the holidays with, the person you live with. Call them what you like- it's the same idea whatever you title it.
And I really do wonder if that's ever going to happen for me. The primary, I mean. That person who, emotionally, pays attention to me first.
I don't honestly think they exist.
I've said it before- it sucks, but I'm generally the girl you have kinky sex with, the dirty secret, the mistress, not the girl you get emotionally involved with, or fall in love with. I'm the one you go crazy for, who opens you up in new ways, so you can then dump me and have an incredible relationship with someone else. Again. And again. And again.
It's exhausting.
Maybe it's because of my work. Maybe it's because I'm polyamorous. Maybe it's because I move from SF to London and back. I wonder if there's anything, really, I can do about it, if there's a way to keep my work and my casual play and still have a boyfriend or girlfriend who adores me. I wonder if it's actually true that being a sex worker requires a personal sacrifice- the sacred whore coupled to her gods, her spiritual calling, instead of another person. I wonder if it's my fault, if I'm making a decision to never settle down because I feel this pull towards my work, if I am looking for a unicorn in wishing to meet someone who will love me for who I am, not in spite of it. Is it just too much?
I thought about being monogamous, lying about my work and casual sex, but at least having that person to cling to. But that's unethical, and I'm a shit liar, and would never keep the names straight or remember to delete text messages to maintain that illusion.
I thought about being emotionally monogamous and playing around. But I can't really control my heart, and this fucking stupid empathy thing means that I love people easily and intensely. Can I corral that? Do I want to? Would I be making a promise I can't keep? And would I want to only have one loving relationship?
I thought about polyamory. And the fact is, while I'd love to think I could meet a polyamorous guy or girl who would be my primary and yet be ok with me loving other people and maintaining my work, it becomes more and more of a pipe dream every time I have a relationship with someone who says they're cool with it only to discover they aren't, actually. And here in London, polyamory just isn't common. It's hard enough for a Brit to be emotionally intimate with ONE person, much less more than one. And frankly, in San Francisco, the people I'm drawn to, time and time again, already have a primary and just aren't able to commit in that way.
So what do I do?
I've been in London for about 2 weeks now, and while yes, I could have some casual sex or casual kink to ease the loneliness and get back into the swing of things, it's a salve, not a cure. Snuggles are hard to get here, because, well, monogamy is the norm and jealousy shoulders into the way of snuggletime with friends. Or time is precious and there's too much going on for there to be time.
I try not to be demanding. And yes, I can and do take care of myself, often.
I miss being precious to someone, though. It's hard not to feel sad every time I make someone else feel amazing and special at work and knowing that just isn't to be found for myself... maybe even because of the nature of my business. And I hate myself every time I find myself melting into a hug with a client, or kissing them more intimately than maybe I should, because I'm so starved for someone to feel that way about me. I feel stupid, and needy, and like a liar, and like an idiot for being socialized to want that love so badly. Why aren't I enough? And I feel tossed on the waves between wanting SO BADLY to be someone's lover, beloved, and wanting to be independent and not needy and logical.
And then I think about all this and feel so emotionally fucked in the head that I scold myself and say it's no wonder that person doesn't show up.
Is it possible to be a sex worker and be loved? Is it me, or society, getting in the way?
And if it isn't possible, so I have the strength to do this work that's so important to me, but do it alone...?

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