So earlier this year I curated the Red Umbrella Diaries Blog Carnival on "The Price of Love", pulling together some great pieces on sex work, love, and relationships by Ms. Slide, Astrid Strega, and Dear Coke Talk. It was great fun to write about, and it's a really great project.

Well, my turn to curate has come around again- this time focused on Law and Order, particularly around the world, as this will be in honor of International Sex Workers Day (ok, one of them). And I'm looking for some submissions to put together for the next blog.

What is the Blog Carnival about? If you can’t get to New York to see or perform in the monthly live event, the Blog Carnival is a way for sex workers and their allies to participate in the Red Umbrella Diaries from afar. Every month, we do a carnival of pieces of writing on the upcoming event’s theme and then the fantastic Audacia Ray picks her favorite to read at the event and record for the podcast. Check out the "Price of Love" post to get an idea of what it's like.


So, "Law and Order"- what sort of things could you write about on that? Talk about your own run-in with the law while working, explain how you think sex work should be treated by the legal system, write on being a sex worker living outside of/molding the system (maybe not paying taxes, or squatting, or organizing sex workers). Have you encountered weird laws relating to your work? Have something to say on a current event relating to the interaction between sex work and legal rights? Speak up!


Your piece should be up to 700 words long, and can previously published on your own blog or elsewhere. I can conceal your identity if you send me a piece that you can’t put your name on. The themes can be interpreted all kinds of different ways, I love to see creativity. 


I need all entries by May 28th so I have a chance to go through them!. Email submissions to kitty@redumbrellaproject.com.


Why submit to the Blog Carnival? Well, for a start this is a great way to get some traffic onto your blog or other publication! It gives a chance for your voice to be heard by a different audience. And what sort of people am I looking for? ProDomme, escort, stripper, peep show person, cam girl or boy, porn performer-if you identify or have identified as a sex worker, you're welcome to submit. I actively want diversity too- straight, queer, gay, people of all colours, ethnicities, and religions, from all over the globe. 


Please retweet, repost, and link back to spread the word! 

I had a dream last night. It had zombies in it (not surprising, as I had watched "The Walking Dead" last night) but it also wasn't scary at all. It was less "oh god what're we going to do" and more "right, let's get on with it". In my dream, I had been holed with with the boy somewhere, but we realized we needed to move somewhere with more people so we could pool our resources. We decided to pack light, and he would go back and get more supplies if needed. I remember I was going through my clothes and deciding that maybe funny teeshirts about zombies wouldn't be appropriate for the occasion (sorry Living Dead Girlz).

It was all very sensible, with occasional anxiety when we had to fight some on our way to a big house. There were other people there, a mix of folk from 15 to 70 or so... in my dream I knew sign language, which was important as one of the girls was deaf. My mum was in my dream, hanging out with some undead rights activists (lots of dreads- reminded me of Terry Pratchett's Reaper Man) and I kissed her cheek and let her know where we were in case she decided she wanted out. One of my high school friends had been bitten and we had a sad goodbye before she wandered off away from the houses. The boy decided he needed to get some other stuff and disappeared- most of my dream he wasn't there, and while I wasn't afraid for his safety, I definitely felt kind of sad and like maybe he had moved on without me. But, I didn't have time (in my dream) to be too upset over him leaving, as we had to organize a sleeping schedule and find weapons in the abandoned house in case zombies invaded the place.

I woke up feeling left behind, but also determined to go my own way and pave my own path. I'm sure this is related to him not being able to call, email, or chat online for a while, and in my sensible brain I know it was just a dream and not reflective of reality. But wow, how it made me want to avoid him! It's weird how that stuff works. I know it wasn't REAL but it felt real enough to feel like I need a bit of a cry and a cuddle.

Anyway, I'm fed, and on the train back to London with some cider for company. I'm undecided if I want to go back to the John Snow tonight for the Kiss-In- I think it'll depend on how I feel. The one today is a bit earlier, and as I get into London around 4 I'm going to guess I won't feel up to it. I'm looking forward to Bootie London this weekend, and Easter, where I'll be tucked away from London for a peaceful weekend of not having to think very much. Definitely a plan for an unsettled mind...

Well, I spent three nights up in Edinburgh. I had hoped to get some work while I was up here... what I got instead was a couple of guys who thought I was in London, and another couple who wanted to haggle my prices... down to £30. From my usual rate.

Heh. Yeah, right. I mean, I knew there was a stereotype of Scottish people being cheap, but this is kind of ridiculous. In fact, one guy actually went to far as to call ME cheap- after he tried to haggle me down! Crazy. And when I said no he pulled the whole "oh well you're fat so I'm glad, I didn't want to see you anyway" shit.

And you know what it reminded me of? Attitudes in the US. What's in common? The amount of stigma and judgment around sex workers. Yay.

Also, the internet at the hotel I was at was really sketchy, making it difficult to stay in touch with people. My phone, too, couldn't connect for any length of time. I haven't really spoken to the boy at all for over a day, which makes me feel a bit sad and wistful (though maybe just as well). I miss him.

But it wasn't all bad. Actually, it was kind of awesome. Why? Cause I got a nice break away from London for a while, had some fun, and actually had time to relax. Once I realized I wasn't going to get any paying clients, I decided to take a bit of R&R, and I feel a lot better. I've cooked a lot of nice food for myself, had lunches out (including at a carvery, nom), drank lots of cider, and am about to take a nice bath while skimming the UK Playgirl and reading "Butch is a Noun". And I got up to some frisky fun as well! So... yeah. It was a nice little trip.

At the same time? I'm really glad to be going back the the slightly more sex-work-positive London! Thankfully my divorce is basically sorted so I'm free to move on, and I'll be settled in the US for a while, til at least mid October. I have a lecture to give after all!

As I've said previously in my blog, I'm a survivor of sexual assault. It's not the easiest thing to admit, especially if you're interested in alternative sexuality, as many people will hint that your "abnormal behaviour" (being queer, being kinky, being nonmonogamous, being a sex worker, being trans, you name it) is explainable by your trauma- you aren't actually trans, or queer, or happy as a sex worker- no, you're just acting out. So many of us stay quiet, unwilling to feel like we have to constantly justify our desires. It's not something we talk about much even within the "sex positive" community, which is why talking about it and realizing how we're not alone is hugely important.

With all this in mind, I jumped at the chance Good Vibrations gave me to read through the second edition of "The Survivors Guide to Sex", now called "Healing Sex". When I was struggling to work out how to talk to my partner about triggers and flashbacks and how I could handle sensual touch and how I couldn't, this book saved me. It taught me techniques to recognize disassociation. It taught me that it was ok to say no to sex if I didn't want to do it. It taught me how to teach my lovers about my triggers and how to wrangle them. And it helped me heal, ultimately, by challenging me gently and letting me go at my own pace.

"Healing Sex" also gives a lot of good, informative sexual education information- not just on safer sex, but also on techniques, kink, and sex toys. It also has a good resource section, and a whole chapter for partners of survivors. I really can't recommend this book enough for anyone who has dealt with sexual assault, or who has a lover who has. This is all good information either way.

I would personally recommend that everyone have a copy of "Healing Sex" on their bookshelf. Unfortunately, not everyone who has been sexually abused feels safe talking about it, and knowing this stuff can make a relationship with a survivor go.. not easily, but a bit more compassionately. Definitely pick up a copy from Good Vibes, because knowledge is power!

I'm typing this while sipping tea in First Class on a train to Edinburgh. I'm looking forward to a nice jaunt away from London for a few days, though am also a bit nervous that I'll struggle to get clients while on tour. Edinburgh's been good for me in the past, work-wise, though socially it can be awkward- it's pretty anti-sex work in my experience, especially compared to what I'm used to.

Still, it's a city I'm fond of, though I haven't been back there since September 2008! And I've never taken the train, which I've now determined is the only way to travel. I've been served breakfast, continuous tea and coffee, can plug in my laptop and have free wifi- ideal, really, for a geek like me! Though I've had to be careful looking through my followed tumblr as it's got a lot of tied up curvy girls, uncut cock, and half naked queers. Whoops. It's given me a good chance to catch up with articles though- I'd like to point out this one about things het women can do that het men cannot (patriarchy hurts everyone people!) and this one about the John Snow kiss-in that makes the point- why should queers have to drink crap beer from gay-friendly venues (and why to gay-friendly venues overwhelmingly have crap beer?)? And finally, why is Facebook claiming that fully clothed men kissing is sexually graphic..?

I'll be staying in the same area of flats, which is quite nice too. Last time I had a two bedroom flat, double bed in each, two bathrooms, which meant I had a work bedroom and bathroom and a personal bedroom and bathroom. It sounds kind of crazy but it really helps me to keep these things separate. And I love having my own kitchen. There's just something nice about being able to make yourself a cuppa.

So fingers crossed that this is a financially excellent trip and that I get to use my strap ons. :D

Coffee Cake and Kink was the first kinky space I felt really comfortable in, probably because it wasn't a fetish club or a munch, but rather just a space where I could talk freely and know I was among fellow perverts like myself. It also made me really happy that it was so central, and that it was respectable enough to bring vanilla friends while also being a non-alcoholic place to meet up with a potential play partner.

Sadly CCK lost the lease on their cafe space and have been trying to recover ever since. It's made me even more determined to do what I can to try and save Wicked Grounds, under similar threat in San Francisco (and by the way they can use some pledging support themselves- they're halfway to the goalpost they need to stay alive for another 6 months, so if you can, pledge or go to their fundraiser at the Citadel?). CCK is sorely missed here in London, but rents are high and the recession is hitting us all, non consensually and harshly.

Anyway, I went to CCK's offices on Thursday as I had won a little goodie bag of things thanks to writing a review on some chocolate for them. Not too shabby! I got a bar of chocolate (I got to choose, too), a keyring, and a gift set that was Catwoman-y. Pretty nifty. Plus I got to drink their amazing coffee and have biscuits.

Now, I like doing product reviews anyway, so it was a nice little reward. But I also want to encourage people in the UK and beyond to consider taking a bit of time to write up a review of something you've bought that CCK sells- not only do you get entered to win some cool stuff, but you're also giving back to the community by creating a space for feedback and advice. You don't even have to have bought it from CCK! Win win, right? And the form's really simple. 

In other, briefer but very exciting news...

I'm one of three nominees for Female Sex Worker of the Year for the Erotic Awards!

I recently did some performing with the boy at Chantilly Lace (another fundraising event for disability charity Outsiders) as Sister Creampie and I'm kind of excited to Creampie it up for the Awards. Squee!

Last year I won an Erotic Award for Innovation of the Year for Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, which delighted me immensely. I'm honored to be shortlisted again this year- it makes me feel glad that the work I do is noticed and respected, especially as a sex worker, and even more especially as a fat, queer sex worker who doesn't follow the "femininity rules"!

I'll be anxiously biting my nails at the Night of the Senses this year which is May 20th. If you'll be in the London area, come support me (and have a great time at the event- it can always use a nice queer injection, and this will be my third in a row- I discuss it here and mention it briefly here). As I leave London at June 2nd this will also be one of my last big blow out events! So come say hello. :)

Photo from The Lost Boy

I dressed up as Faggette the Clown yesterday for the kiss-in at the John Snow pub.

I was saddened to hear that the landlady at the John Snow had told two men kissing on their first date to leave because it was "obscene"- not only that, but it was kicked off by some guy claiming to be the landlord (but wasn't) who first told them off for kissing and then complained at the bar. And then manhandled one of them trying to get them out.

What, could he not look away? And what year is this anyway? The John Snow, for those unfamiliar, is on the edge of Soho in central London, for fuck's sake. It's not exactly a gay-free zone.

Photo from Facebook

A lot of people said that maybe the John Snow is just generally anti-PDA- could anyone definitively say that the landlady wouldn't kick out a straight couple snogging? Actually, yes, I can. Because back when I was dating TB (later renamed Sh) the John Snow was basically local to us, and I went in there a lot. I made out with him there, definitely, without any issues, and went on several dates with girls in there, and we made out as well. I was even in there a couple weeks ago with the boy and we kissed. So all that was ok, heterosexual kissing, lesbian kissing. Just not gay male kissing. Well, that sounds like good old fashioned homophobia to me. Simples.

It's especially offensive that neither the license-holder or the Samuel Smith reps have apologized or even taken the stance that it was a misunderstanding. That just makes it even more clear that they seem to think it's ok to pick and choose for whom the "rules" apply. Fail.

Photo from Harry M

Considering the amount of homophobia that's been going around, this is really more, to me, than just fighting for the right to kiss who you like in public. This is about refusing to be put back in the closets, to fight against being told that being queer is just a bedroom issue. I'm not just queer when I'm in bed- I'm queer all the time.

And sorry, straights, if that scares you, or bothers you.

But you know what?

Too fucking bad. :)

Photo from The Lost Boy

See more photos of the event on Flickr by looking up JohnSnow, and read more about what happened here or here. Also read up on why the emphasis on the John Snow not being a "gay pub" is an issue here.

There will be another Kiss-In at the John Snow on the 21st. 
It's for queers and allies, bisexuals, gays, lesbians, even you weird unnatural straight people! ;) Kiss-ins are fun, so if you're around, go! 
Chew gum instead of brushing teeth before- brushing your teeth can lead to tiny cuts in your mouth making you a slightly greater risk for herpes. 


Kiss safe! ;)

So after being really uncomfortable about last night, I wake up to see a question about boundary-breaking on a swinging website:

It seems like every other guy I get with tries to enter me without a condom. Usually they just poke and prod like they are not actually trying anything, but a couple of them have been very blatant about it and pushed for it even after I said no. The reason I am writing you is because last weekend a guy took it upon himself to just stick it in without warning and without a condom. We had been playing around a bit rough during foreplay and he was dominating me so it took a minute to get it through to him that he had to pullout and glove up. We tell people we always use condoms before we ever get to the stripping down and playing so it isn’t like these guys don’t know our boundaries. I need some advice on how to get it through to these guys before hand that I don’t play without a rubber. I also would like to know your opinions on why these guys try when they have been told condoms are required. Thanks.
-Swingers Attic, Boundary Breakers  

Now, the woman answering the question calls these guys out on being assholes. Though I kind of have a problem with her reasoning around female empowerment of boundaries:

One of the beauties of being a woman is in the bedroom you can generally be as open and honest as you want because lets face it ladies, the men want it and if they don’t abide by the rules won’t get it. 

Um. Well, I guess, but actually that kind of indicates this whole "sex is a precious thing that women have and men want" issue that I find really unpleasant and uncomfortable. Men have boundaries too. When you are around other people, regardless of gender, you should have your boundaries respected and feel comfortable communicating them non-violently.  Period. Whether that's sex or dancing or on a night out. I would rewrite this to "one of the beauties of being human is that you can be open and honest and expect that your boundaries will be respected, and feel ok defending yourself if they're not".

But I was REALLY upset by the man's response:

Your picking some bad partners is my first thought.
There will always be that one guy who tries to do what he shouldn’t, but if the situation you are describing has happened multiple times and you have only just recently started swinging it has to be in part some sort of signal you are giving off. That doesn’t make it alright. Men should always ask, but if it’s a regular thing then you are in some way making the guys think it may be OK to go bareback. 

He goes on to say:

Don’t think that makes it all you though… if you didn’t actually say it verbally it doesn’t really matter what kind of signals you may be accidentally putting out there. The men should ask. 

Yay, victim-blaming! "You must be sending out signals"??? Seriously? And he goes on t say "I can't imagine this happening multiple times if your husband was in the same room" which pisses me off IMMENSELY as it's been something I've experienced with men's attitudes towards my body and their rights to it when I'm alone vs if I'm with the boy.

And the thing that really got under my skin? They didn't suggest she get tested. WHAT. I mean, if someone was rubbing an unprotected cock on my vulva (without my permission especially) I would be getting tested SO FAST, never mind if they actually stuck it in! Who knows how many other people they act that way around? Gross gross gross.

This is potentially why swingers have the reputation that they have. And why they're more likely to have STIs than hookers.

Play safe kids. State your boundaries. And if they get ignored, deck them.

On my way home from the tube tonight I was assaulted.