Whew! It feels like it's been a while since I've written anything. I've been clutching my head about the discussion around Slutwalk, mostly, while I've been away from the keyboard. I've also had some fantastic events to go to and things to check out... consider this a preview of posts that are upcoming!

One thing I went to was a conference on the audiences of pornography as a part of the Critical Sexology lectures I keep up with. It's through Critical Sexology that I got involved with Onscenity's blog roundup around child sexualization, a hefty topic with a lot of things to say about it! The porn discussion was incredibly informative and massaged my brain quite a bit- I have a notebook full of things to say about it which I'll be getting to in the next week or so.

Friday of last week the boy treated me to a fancy hotel High Tea- champagne, tiny cakes, and delicious tea! I've had the whole tea shebang, but never in a nice urban environment... oh, it was fancy and I could get used to it, hehehe! Weirdly enough I had been to the hotel before with a client a while back, down in the hotel's basement bar (a very gentlemanly space), so it was kind of nice to go again with my boy to the airy, bright terrace upstairs.

Then last weekend was Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society. Also on my list is posting a massive write-up on why Ladies High Tea is such an important space. Til then, it was a really fun event filled with feminine energy, glittery cupcakes, and top quality porn. It was massively fun, held in a pretty plush flat, and it was just nice to be surrounded by lovely ladies who appreciated filth like I do. We mostly watched queer porn (hey, I have a taste) but I tried to inject some straighter stuff as well. More on that at a later date.

Thursday the boy and I went to Boylesque 2, a charity event down in Vauxhall. There was less boylesque than I expected- half the show was a charity auction of pants being stripped off pretty boys- but it was still a fun night out with some excellent performances. Dusty Limits was on form, as he always is, and the models of the pants showed a spectrum of types, which was nice to see. I didn't bid on any, though there were some shiny ones and some flesh coloured ones that were sheer that I mentally marked off as possibilities to add to the boy's underwear collection....

Last night was Night of the Senses and the Erotic Awards. I sadly did not win Female Sex Worker of the Year- that went to the lovely Lara Latex (and I will admit I wanted to be resentful but she is just such a darling)- but the boy and I clowned up and had a great time anyway. There were a lot more queers there than last year, which was a relief, and there was even a Queer Camp upstairs which made for a nice sanctuary from the hustle and bustle.

I was a bit bummed out as yesterday was a day of rejection- I didn't get the internship I wanted with a writer I admire, I didn't get an Erotic Award, I didn't place in Filament's erotic fiction contest- but, I *did* get my ipod back after losing it at Ladies High Tea, and I was surrounded by people I adore, so it helped pet my head. Also I'll be smothering my sorrows in my favourite sushi place, Dotori, before heading off to Filament's print weekend. Frankly, it's kind of good to get rejection and learn how to handle it without pouting- it reminds me that I have a ways to go yet and it gives me a goal to fight for. I do well with that sort of thing.

Ok, ok, it helps that I'm also writing some stuff for this Kindle smut thing, the Sex Blogyssey with the fab Suzanne Portnoy, have been asked to write some stories for another online publisher (specifically, too!) and am starting to work on the outline for a book about my development from perplexed and frustrated house Dominatrix to proud feminist lesbo whore. So it's not like I'm doing *too* badly.

I promise, more thorough blogging soon!

How do you feel about not conforming to the stereotypical image of what escorts are "supposed" to look like?

our romantic poem

I'm not terribly maternal. It's not something I'm particularly proud of- my lack of cuddlyness and nurturing has upset lovers in the past. I just didn't grow up in a touchy-feely family and didn't really have touchy-feely friends. I can warm up into snuggly behaviour, but it takes a little while and I have to be determined to get there- it doesn't come altogether naturally.

I've wondered if that might be one of my issues around being the caregiver in ageplay scenarios- so, after reading Penny's book on the subject, I decided to try taking the boy to the Natural History Museum on a "littles day out", with me as the caregiver.

I figured that going to the museum would give me things to do, and there were exhibits I particularly wanted to see- the Sexual Nature exhibit and the Sensational Butterflies, so I figured this would be a good way to please us both in a way that would be fun and not too overwhelming for me. I know I'm prone to biting off more than I can chew when it comes to kink!

It started when I diapered him- spreading a towel over the bed, sliding the diaper under his ass (Hello Kitty, of course), wiping him down with baby wipes before lotioning and powdering him. I gave him an octopus toy to play with and a pirate pacifier- he does look terribly cute when his eyes get all wide and trusting. I was a mix of emotions- excited, nervous, a little uncertain. I helped him dress, his diaper bulging his jean shorts out a little, patted him on the bum, made sure we had some sandwiches packed, and we were off.

Unfortunately I had a few emails to deal with which took me out of headspace and not focusing on him... much like how I imagine I'll be as a real parent. ::sigh:: It took some self-control to put the phone away and enjoy the rest of our outing! I did, though, after some ranting which he patiently listened to.

We decided to check out the butterflies first, and I loved seeing them flitting around, their brightly coloured wings like flower petals in a breeze. I used to raise butterflies as a child, and I've always been fond of them. I guess I have a lot of affinity for any creature that represents metamorphosis! They're so delicate, as well, and fascinating with their curled proboscis... yeah, massive fan of fluttery butterflies. Yay!

After that we ate our sandwiches, apples and crisps, the boy ran around in the sun a bit, and we headed into the Sexual Nature exhibit, which was really cool. First off there was a lot of Isabella Rossellini's Green Porno and Seduce Me videos, both of which I really love (oh, btw, my female Green Porno name is Candy Clam, my male one is Colt Cauliflower, how about you?). If you haven't seen them, may I recommend the cuttlefish Seduce Me..?

Anyway, there was also a lot of examples of various animal penises, and animals mating, and we learned a lot of interesting new things. Highly recommended, and perfect for our naughty ageplay outing as it was interesting for us both!

Then we explored this other exhibit about human biology that must've been made in the 80's, as representations of computers and ideas about gender were really old fashioned! Some of the exhibits in there were downright creepy. The boy kind of remembered them from his own childhood, which was interesting.

Finally I realized I was pretty drained- not sure why, but definitely felt tired. I used my end-the-scene sentence- "o put on your big boy pants now"- and he did (though getting rid of a diaper in the men's room isn't that easy, considering they don't have diaper bins there, how gendered is that?). Then we went for cupcakes and tea, and went home for some adult time. Even though I burned out at the end, I think it's something I could try again. Maybe next time it'd help to have another "adult" figure with me.

All in all, it was fun. I've come to terms with the fact that I really prefer being a little girl, as the boy is better at being nurturing than I am, but I think I might have a better time being a Bad Mummy or maybe a Daddy figure to him. We'll see. Exploring is a good way to work it out!

When the boy first told me he was interested in ageplay, and particularly in diapers, I was a little freaked out. More than that, I was really upset at how the entire scene seemed focused on male fantasy fulfillment- there was no real information about how to be a caregiver in an ageplay or AB/DL scene. I picked up the two books that were out there on the subject- the Toybag guide and the Power Exchange guide- but found them to focus, again, very much on what it was like to be the little girl or little boy. I had some experience with Daddy/girl stuff, but it was definitely more on the roleplay, kinky side than on the ageplay, age-of-innocence side.

Then Miss Penny Barber, lovely woman she is, sent me a copy of her book, "The Age Play & Diaper Fetish Handbook". And it is AMAZING. Absolutely ideal. It's a great mix of practical advice on how to talk to your partner, how to put diapers on for various needs and body types, and how to role play various roles. I loved all the tips and suggestions- it actually gave me a lot of ideas! And I also really appreciated that Penny addressed some of the concerns I had, like about dealing with psychological issues via ageplay and the worry for caregivers of burning out. This has become my favourite book on the subject of AB/DL and ageplay.

There's 5 sections- the introduction, which covers things like how to meet someone into your kink and how to talk to a lover about it; a chapter on roles, caregiver and ward, masculine and feminine (and I appreciated that she makes a point of encouraging players to not feel restricted by gender); a chapter just on diapers, discussing cloth vs disposable, how to fold and use them, and how to take care of them or wash them; a chapter on ageplay that gives different ideas for discipline and activities to do during a scene, including how to introduce sexual elements and how to do it long distance (which may come in handy for the boy and I soon); and finally, a chapter on BDSM and diapers, which explores that aspect of play. There's also a glossary and a list of resources that pretty much fills the rest of the possible gaps.

I'd discuss it more, but actually, after reading this book, I decided I wanted to explore the Daddy slave persona with the boy- and so I am marching us off to bed because, well, it's time for my story!

Check out  "The Age Play & Diaper Fetish Handbook" here and check out a trailer for it here! Thank you Miss Penny Barber for the chance to look this over- it's been a massive influence. And it's great for combating the crap ageplayers and AB/DLs have to deal with, like this bullshit from Dan Savage or this bit on Jezebel. Penny's made it accessible- and for that I am eternally grateful.

For a long time I was really horrified at the idea of breeding. And I still wouldn't argue that I identify as a breeder. But I had a dream about being pregnant and began to wonder if this is the biological alarm clock starting to rear its hideous head.

I'm starting to be a little more chill about the idea of having a child in my life. I suspect I'd be a good breadwinner- I can't imagine being an at-home mum, personally, it's really not my style. But then, I can see the boy being a very good at-home dad, so that could be ok.

I still kind of prefer cats!

However, one thing I *have* found more appealing is putting little aspects of ageplay into regular interactions. Hair ruffling, domestic discipline like spanking, corner time- these are things that have started to pique my interest quite a bit. And with the possibility of more outside time, I wonder if maybe it might be time to give taking the boy out for some "little boy time with Mummy" another go. I really want to go to the Natural History Museum, for example, to see their sex in the animal kingdom exhibit and go to the butterfly tent- so perhaps this could be a way to give him some confirmation that his kink is ok and I love him while also getting to do things I like. At least I would't have to worry about him throwing a tantrum because he's tired!

When things are stressful for me it's hard for me to get into a nurturing headspace- I tend to freak out myself and then need my own head petted, or I become militant in my "get things done" mode. But on reflection, I suspect that a day where we just go do something nice together, non-pressured, might be just what we need. And, well, I can please my public Domming kinks by taking his money away from him for the day and making the decisions on what we eat and when, holding his hand when we cross the street, and generally bossing him about. I doubt he'd be noticeably in gear or anything (he might wear a nappy under normal clothes, say) but I think I could make him feel little just by how I interact with him.

The more I think about this the more I like it actually!

I'll be going back to the States for a while, and I want to make our time together really special. He's felt insecure about his kinks, not sure if they're ok for him to have, if he even wants to have them. I've been there. I know what that's like. I've wished I wasn't a sadist before, because I've worried about what that means about my mental state. I haven't been the best at proving to him that I love *him*, not just his *potential*, so I think it's time to turn that around.

Navigating these things aren't always easy, but then, I hate it when it's easy!

Get this cute cuff bracelet on Etsy!

So in ADDITION to the Queer Fayre and the Babeland Ecosexy contest, I've also got a new one going to celebrate having my first 50 followers on Facebook!

As I have so many people who were bummed out about the Babeland contest being US only, this is what I'll be doing to make it up to you... the simplest contest ever. I'd do it on Facebook but apparently that's against the T&C now so instead this is how it'll roll...

Mandatory Entry:
Comment on this post and you will automatically be entered to win one of three semi-mystery prizes:  an erotica book, a quality bullet vibe, and a massage oil kit! Your comment should offer a creative/sexy way you'll use the product you want. Winner's choice!

Or, for an extra entry and chance to win, Like my Facebook page and comment here to tell me you've done that.

This contest will end May 6th, 17:00pm GMT. I will either hand-deliver or ship your prize. That's it. Simples!

Please leave a contact email in your comments!

Enjoy and good luck!

Bootie London (which was AWESOME)

As ridiculous the PWL bullying campaign is, there's been a bunch of other things going on that are much more interesting.

-I have applied for and have my fingers crossed for an internship with a sexuality author I really admire. I believe I have the skills she's looking for, I just hope that my cover letter stands out among the other awesome applicants she likely has! Thanks mum for telling me about it (have I mentioned how awesome my mum is that she sends me that sort of thing?)

-I'm tempted to write a brief for a lecture on Pornification and Culture in London, something I find absolutely fascinating. I'm going to think about it and write it up, see what happens. It'll be in December so I'll likely be back here. It makes me nervous, but ten, my brief was accepted for Arse Elektronika, so..!

-my housemate has handed over a GIANT BAG of brand new sex toys, all different types, including some really quality bullet vibes (and I'm selling them all for a tenner or under!). I'm going to be selling them at the Queer Fayre, along with some additional erotica books I'm being handed off this week. I hope this Fayre goes well as I really want to unload this stuff, but man-o-man, it's good stuff.

-I got accepted to do toy and lingerie reviews for a bunch of new places, which is REALLY EXCITING! I can't wait to see what I get sent. Upcoming Good Vibes reviews include suction cuffs, the Go Girl STP device, and the Foreplay Ice Frost vibe (which is currently in the freezer of the boy's mum, whoops, hehe!)

-I have learned that clothing swaps are fantastic, and not just for swapping clothes. I have been craving a fix of sexygirltimes, and I got it, that's for damn sure. Now immensely looking forward to Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society and the afterparty, which will inevitably be lewd.

-I love hackers. I'll explain why another time, just know for now that I love them.

"One of the rare times Kitty touches a real penis" they've captioned this with. Not...exactly.

"Kitty Stryker a.k.a. CalifornianKitty is a failed pornographic whore, cheap fat ass hooker, self-proclaimed feminist, worthless blogger, loud mouth, ass clown and a queer-loving fruitcake (sex klown, dear, and my blog's doing ok). In many ways she's like the female version of Mike South.

• Contact email:

miss.kitty.stryker@gmail.com

• Twitter

: @KittyStryker

• Phone

: 07842965772 

Biography 

Born in the United States but is currently living in the UK. Travels back and forth to turn tricks. At age 14 lost her virginity by means of toothbrush insertion while playing doctor with one of her female friends (actually, no- I lost my hymen earlier thanks to horseback riding- as for "losing my virginity" you can read about that here). Like most social rejects and fat ass, blogging no-lifers, Kitty spends all her time on the Internet maintaining numerous social networking and escorting profiles, posting boring articles, tweeting and reviewing sex toys. Kitty is extremely ashamed of her obese body. (um, what? not really, no. if I was ashamed you wouldn't have posted a photo of me naked and covered in custard, or in honey. read more about body politics here and here)

Hooking/escorting 

Extensively pimps herself out via countless hooking websites, UK based as well as American. Her prices are already low, but she's willing to negotiate (not that low, but then, I guess they don't know the market). Evidently, fat opinionated hookers are not in demand these days. (Amusingly, I'm getting paid to be opinionated and talk about being a sex worker- so, there's some demand after all)

• http://www.adultwork.com/ViewProfile.asp?UserID=508853

• http://oldestprof.com/index.php/england/userprofile/californian%20kitty

• http://kittystryker.moonfruit.com/welcome/4528343760 

Forum Activity/Twitter 

In early April 2011 posted several articles where she expressed her misguided anger towards Porn Wiki Leaks. (not misguided- read about how Porn Wikileaks is fucked up, racist, misogynistic and slutshaming here and here) It was a clear attempt to freeload off PWL's popularity considering the fact that Kitty Stryker is not even in the porn industry. (hehehehe! well, we know that's not true, but let's give them something to work on...) These articles happen to be the most read items on her otherwise boring blog. (well, two are in the top 5, and there's one on child sexualization, and some sex toy reviews, but nevermind)

Popping Off 

Shot her big mouth off about Porn Wiki Leaks in a feminist blog rant in April, 2011. This caused the usual protocol to be followed - The performer - In this case an absolute no one in the biz who didn't even have a wiki yet - got a nice wiki complete with all of the embarrassing things that they have done in their "career." (you can't embarrass someone who is shameless :)) Folks, when you interact with PWL in a respectful manner, they will hear you out and that is your best chance (If any) of getting your wiki cleaned up of any personal information or in this whore's case - you can avoid a wiki this way. But when you whine about PWL, and say their members need to be "Bitch slapped" - especially when they have done nothing to you - it is all over for you and you will never have information removed. Mouthing off about PWL is like sitting in A-1 sauce and mooning an angry pitbull. You just don’t do it unless you want to deal with the consequences. (are these the consequences? I only found out a wiki was made cause I was getting traffic from there! a bit of a backfire..?)"

I wanted to post this call to help Lori, a roller derby girl without medical insurance who is recovering from a vicious domestic violence attack in the US:

Lori is a survivor of a violent domestic attack which occurred on 4/24/11 while she and her daughters were visiting family in Georgia for Easter. She was repeatedly kicked and incurred many facial fractures and lacerations. She was transported to the emergency room by ambulance and admitted. She spent the first week in the hospital recovering from her injuries. On Friday 4/29/11 she underwent a seven hour surgery to repair her facial injuries, which resulted in multiple titanium plates, pins and screws being implanted. Her jaw was wired shut and she was on a ventilator. She remains in the hospital recovering from this awful attack.

Domestic violence occurs in all cultures, against people of all races, ethnicities, religions, and classes. Domestic violence is known by many terms including wife or husband beating, battering, domestic abuse, spousal abuse, and family violence, which is a broader definition often used to include child abuse, elder abuse, or other violent acts between family members. It also takes on many forms aside from physical violence; sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation, or threats of violence all constitute domestic violence. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), domestic violence is a serious, preventable public health problem that affects more than 32 million Americans. This number only reflects the number of cases that are reported; it’s estimated that in the United States, as many as one third of domestic violence cases are never reported.

For more information on news and research about coping with abuse and violence, symptoms, prevention and screening, law and policy, and statistics, go online to the National Institute of Health website at www.nlm.nih.gov. Other good resources can be found at www.endabuse.org and www.womenslaw.org, which features free, easy to understand legal information and resources to battered women. It takes great effort to get out of a physically or psychologically abusive relationship, but there is help if you know where to find it. 

-Lori's Story, Increasing Awareness

It's a horrific story, but not a rare one, sadly. So many people suffer from abuse, and when it happens in the US, it's particularly scary, because you know you'll be paying for your own healing process. It's like salt in the wound, and it sucks.

If you're able to send a little something her way, please do.

I have never really considered myself as part of the in-crowd.

I've always had a wide circle of acquaintances, certainly, and I've had friends. But I generally haven't gotten invites to Special Private This or Secret Underground That- nope, I hear about them afterwards, usually via my Twitter. Or I'm running my own events, though I realize that I make a lot of effort to invite people to those and make them aware.

I'm envious, for sure. I feel quite often that there's this social whirl of "it" people within the artsy, Burner, and kinky communities (particularly and especially them) and I will never penetrate it. There's always boat parties, house parties, picnics and weekends away that it feels like everyone I know gets invited to, but I don't. Partially because I don't have the funds to go to loads of parties. Partially because I am actually very shy socially and tend to not talk to new people for fear of interrupting. Partially because I am not an Amazing Dominant Mistress who has lots of skillz to show off. Partially because I am not physically the type who gets invited to things for the "beautiful people"- amusing, as Kinky Salon London was accused of being that itself!

That said, I suspect I'm envious in theory. In practice would I go to these events? Probably not. I am aware all the time that I'm not the party hearty type anymore. But sometimes I get that little pang in my heart wishing I was at least invited. I wish I felt like I was someone people were anxious to get to know and spend time with (and I know that I am, for some, which relates to the below point).

It's particularly interesting (from an anthropological perspective) because the boy is envious of me- I get invited to more things than he does, so in his view I'm the "in" crowd and he's on the outside. So then, popularity becomes a spectrum, relative to the sorts of social circles one wants to be a part of. And it's about the invite and the interaction, isn't it, not whether you actually go to these things! Sometimes I wonder why I keep in contact with some of the people I do, as our lives don't interconnect that much and we don't see each other or make much effort to. Is it because I want to get their approval? Possibly. I can believe I'm that insecure at times!

But then, this is why I wanted any event I run to be different, as inclusive and friendly as I could make it. I have an excellent circle of friends, but I want to strengthen it by having them get to know each other and bring in new people. I don't go to munches anymore because I learned that people didn't tend to want to meet new people there, they wanted to hang out with their friends, and, well, I can do that in a quieter place than a pub or a restaurant! I love meeting new people, hearing their stories, getting to know them, but I don't want to drink and yell during that process. I feel less and less like for the most part the kinky community is about community, but rather about cliques bumping against each other at an event.

I guess I'm thinking about all this cause I was rewatching some Glee and thinking about high school. I spent very little time in high school. I wasn't popular, but then I didn't want to be- being Goth necessitated being uncool.

I wonder why I want to be popular so much now... what's spurred on that insecurity? Why on earth should I care? Do I even, or is it entirely a construct of the people I follow on Twitter chattering excitedly about things I'm not a part of all the time? And, if that's what it is, why on earth do I follow them?

Ultimately, I'm glad I have the friends I have. I don't feel like I have many people I would consider real friends, but the ones I have are really, really quality. I think I could take a lesson from my 16 year old self- I may not be cool, but I'm surrounded by other rad people. And that should be enough.

Introspective navel-gazing thoughts for a Sunday.

I think I'm going to ditch it for a picnic in the park with the boy, instead.