So after the First Mate, I wanted to get my hands on the next big thing- the Captain dildo from Good Vibrations, which they kindly sent my way for review.

The Captain is a big boy. A very big boy for someone like me who has a love of thickness but a shallow vaginal canal!

At 7 1/2" long, and 1 7/8" girth, this is not a beginners toy. This is for someone who is, maybe not a size queen, but a size princess. Use a water-based lube and take your time. If you do, you'll be very glad you did.

The Captain was fantastic for stimulating my g-spot. I squirted all over my bed as I thrust it into myself, and squirting is a good sign of a great toy. Just the right balance of firm but not too firm to rub my g-spot til I couldn't see anymore.

No, that's not why I wear glasses (well, maybe... I'm still waiting on hairy palms, though, I think they'd be fun!)

It's a nice, firm silicone with some beautiful veiny texture that makes for a really nice fuck. And the weight is substantial- I really liked the feel of it in my hand. In a harness it's a little heavy, but not too much to wear comfortably. I personally wouldn't pack with it though because of the size!

I'd recommend the Captain for vaginal and anal play, though take it slowly and use lots of lube. I liked it vaginally at the end of a masturbation session- I doubt I would've been able to handle it until after an orgasm, but then, it's heavenly. I'm hoping to get a chance to open the boy's ass up enough to take a bigger cock, and this may well be the one I choose! The defined head would suggest it'd be great for p-spot stimulation.

Care instructions! As per usual, silicone means no silicone lubricant or you can ruin the dildo. It can be washed with toy cleaner, the top rack of the dishwasher, or hot water and soap.

I chose a black one, but they come in vanilla, caramel and chocolate as well if you want something a little more realistic.

The Captain is a great dildo for those who want to go a little bigger. It's not over the top, but a really pleasurable balance of length and width.

Thank you Good Vibes for letting me review the Captain in exchange for an honest review!

Photo from IB Times

I wanted to take a moment to draw attention to some other blog posts about BDSM and abuse that stood out to me. I don't want to write a lot of commentary on them, just present them for you to peruse (or not) as you wish. Why? Because mine is not the only voice, and it's hard to tell a growing number of people that they're alone in this.

One of the other reasons I’m writing about it is this: the bdsm community has no tolerance for someone voicing an ugly truth. I know that I’ll be called a liar in some circles, derided by some for “airing my dirty laundry”. That hurts. It is a community I care about, for all of the good in it, and one I feel betrayed by at the same time because I’ve seen people in my position before, also staying silent. I’ve seen people who don’t stay silent further punished for daring to speak.

Eight years to even have the courage to write this much.

-More on BDSM and Abuse, Jane Says 

In the ten years between then and now, I’ve stubbornly refused to let what happened stop me from being sexually active. I’ve pushed myself harder and harder to be loudly, visibly sex-positive. I got a job as a phone sex operator, and made plans to get even deeper into sex work. Sex was important and wonderful and I was NOT going to let some bad experiences ruin it for me forever. I took pride in being able to get through triggering sex with little outward sign.

Push harder, went my thinking. Work through the pain. Work through the flashbacks — dissociate if you have to. Remember, if you have to stop, it’s a sign the ones who hurt youwon. Be sex-positive, dammit! Show the whole fucking world just how okay you are, no matter the cost! Write a fucking sex blog!

Spoilers: I wasn’t okay. I was light-years away from okay, and I have a chain of post-Fell abusive relationships, both romantic and not, which illustrate that point rather clearly.

-Ten Years Later, Living the Stories. Flesh

No, we do not officially condone abuse, and we do certainly put out some information to help people distinguish between abuse and healthy BDSM, but the truth is that it’s still a major problem, and pretending it’s not there because we print up pretty brochures isn’t going to solve the problem.  If it weren’t a problem, we wouldn’t needthose lists and brochures and “initiatives”.  They are evidence that we try to combatthe problem, at least at some level, but until the actual practices catch up with the ideals, and the community standard becomes to simply not tolerate this kind of behavior, then it will remain with us.

As others said in the comments on Clarisse’s blog post, the community is now very quick to shun any victim who is outspoken about it and defends herself while still embracing the abuser.  Knowing that alone is a deterrent to many who might otherwise report the abuse – and I know, because I’m one of them.

It’s one of the reasons I didn’t even seek medical help myself when I really should have had it, because I knew the hospital would have had my then-dom arrested – and not only would that end the relationship I wasn’t ready to end yet, but it would have nuked me in the scene.  It’s the same reason I’m not more overtly outspoken now about what was done and who did it.

No one should have to put up with this kind of shit, and no one should have to be silent because the community will side with the abuser, especially if, as is typical, they are the sort who present a really nice guy kind of front to the public, and even at the start of new relationships, just as mine did with me, the same way he swept his new sub off of her feet and bamboozled her friends as well.

-Does the BDSM Community Enable Abuse?, Kinky Little Girl 

I blamed myself. I thought “Well, I didn’t say “No.” forcefully enough. I didn’t insist. I didn’t hit him, push him away. It must be my fault.” I sat in a narcotized place of self-blame and self-hatred for months around something for which I claimed 100% responsibility. I blamed myself for “letting” someone violate one of my strongest boundaries. And I sat on this alone and in reflexive revulsion, because clearly I was too stupid, weak and foolish to handle myself like a responsible adult. 


And because I had so much shame around this, because I was so afraid that others would look at me and think “What a fucking idiot. What kind of dummy lets something like them happen to them?” I didn’t tell anyone for months. Then it began to eat me alive, woke me up at night, freaked me out. 

-Consent[Violated], The Perverted Negress

My friend chose to let the incident where he touched her shoulders slide–it didn’t seem like a big deal. When he touched my shoulders, if he hadn’t already slid a hand up my leg, it wouldn’t have been as big of a deal either. But there was a pattern emerging of cowardice and boundary pushing–when he thought women weren’t noticing. What would he have done if he’d found someone drunk? Passed out?

What if everyone who heard me loudly state my boundaries had spoken up too? As I yelled at him, people watched, seeing what was developing. If he had tried to punch me, no doubt people would have held him back. But they just watched. What if–while I yelled at him–there had been a chorus of voices, yelling “You do not touch her without permission”? That would have felt pretty great.

 -from Halo's now-defunct blog via Yes Means Yes

This… gentleman… began by intruding upon a scene in progress. He proceeded to speak only to Dylan and Clint, completely slighting me. He said he could get them into a private party at Mr. S. He asked us where we usually hang out, and when Clint said “The Citadel” he reacted with suppressed scorn. Before any of us fully knew what was happening, he had grabbed Dylan (who was already subspaced out) and forced him onto his knees, without so much as a ‘by your leave.’ “You can always tell if someone’s submissive by doing this,” he said, digging his finger into a pressure point on Dylan’s wrist. He pointed out the involuntary twitch of one of Dylan’s fingers, then reached for my arm to do the same to me.

“I didn’t give you permission to touch me,” I hissed. 

He laughed, and said something to the effect that “she,” on the other hand, was not submissive. 

“My name is Asher, I am not she, I’m a transman, and not letting you touch me has nothing to do with whether I’m submissive,” I informed him. 

Finding no fertile ground in me, he focused his attention on Dylan. Clint sat by, not quite sure whether to interfere, but not willing, either, to leave Dylan alone with this person. To me, at the time, it looked like the two of them were both eating up all of this guy’s bullshit. I left in disgust to get some air, still shaking with endorphins from my rudely interrupted scene. 

When I returned, Jackass was done with Dylan, who was sitting around looking spaced out and lost, but not in his usual happy way. Jackass was promising extravagant Mr. S goodies to everyone, and trying to get contact info. Before he left, he apologized, condescendingly, for touching me without permission. I pointed out that he had also walked into the middle of our scene. He smirked, and repeated, “I apologize for touching you without permission.” 

-A Field Guide to Creepy Doms, Gaystapo by way of Kinky Little Girl

So ahoy there!

This is one out of two nautical themed dildoes that I picked up from Good Vibrations- I figured I should tell you about the First Mate first. ;)

The First Mate was a dildo I picked out to use on my boy, because the weight and size was just perfect for moderate anal play. At 7" long, I didn't have to worry about my tummy or his ass getting in the way of a good pounding, and at 1 1/2" wide, he'd feel nice and full. I picked a black one, but you can also get them in vanilla, caramel, and chocolate.

I really liked the texture of this cock. It's not smooth and rubbery, but velvety silicone, really nice to the touch.   Being silicone, that means sterilizable, but as per usual no silicone based lubricant. It's also body-safe and can be washed in the top rack of the dishwasher, or with good old fashioned soap and water.

It's a little heavy, but with a well fitting harness that won't be too much of a bother!

The base on this cock is more narrow than on others, but I found it was a good fit in my Joque harness and stable enough to fuck the cabin boy with abandon.

The First Mate is a good choice if you want a dildo for anal and vaginal play, because the size and firmness is a good balance for both. For anal I generally want something firm with a little flex, but vaginally I need something blunt at the end or my cervix suffers! I liked that the First Mate branched into both worlds for me.

It was also excellent for g-spot stimulation thanks to that pronounced head.

I quite enjoyed packing it, but it's not terribly bendy so expect your lump to be obvious! It may not be comfy enough to wear under jeans.

I also really enjoyed the veins and the definition on the head of this cock. It made for some incredibly sexy cocksucking. I do so love watching my boy wrap his mouth around my cock. It's practice, really, for when I have him entertain me by having sexytimes with another boy while  watch and wank.

Living the dream, dear readers, living the dream.

I bought this toy of my own accord but wanted to review it as the Captain is next up... tomorrow. ;)

(photos by the talented and lovely Benjy Feen)

I've been in swinger spaces before. They had made me very, very aware that I, a queer fat kinkster, was not One of Them- not by anything they said, mind, but what they did and how they did it. Swingers, in my experience, came in two flavours- young, gorgeous, and well-off, or older, lechy, and very, very heterosexual. I decided pretty early on that the world of swingers was not for me.

Then, a cute friend of mine (blogger One Hot Crumpet) from London asked what was going at my fave play space Mission Control (birthplace of Kinky Salon, one of which I co-founded in London) while she was here, only a week of time. I looked at the calendar and discovered that the main event was Kiss... a swinger party. I turned the thought over in my head. Yes, I hadn't felt like I belonged in these spaces before- I had been turned off by the rules against boy-on-boy while encouraging girl-on-girl, and really disliked the way that men at these parties had looked at me... a challenge, or, more often, a conquest. And of course I get annoyed at the "we like single women but not single men" policies at such places, though it's sadly unavoidable that the "unicorn" is a sexy, bisexual woman who puts out for couples for a reason (namely, socialization that restricts male sexuality while pushing female, but nevermind).

But, it was in a space I consider very much a home, and this is San Francisco, and, I argued to myself, it was free- a winning combination for a broke ass ho such as myself. Plus, I knew that Mission Control now had a dungeon space with some equipment in it... so I figured I could make it work. If femme-on-femme action was what people I expected, I could give that- in my own way, of course, and on my terms. I'll admit I grinned a bit wolfishly to myself as I packed my Joque harness and, of course, a sparkly silver dildo. It matched my dress, a black jersey-but-glam number with a large rhinestone snake holding court in the middle of my cleavage. A dressy jacket, stockings, leather gloves and short heeled boots completed my outfit- possibly one of the most high femme getups I've worn in a long time.

I picked OHC up from the place she was staying and whisked her away to get ice cream at my favourite place- Humphrey Slocombe. We chatted over scoops of Secret Breakfast before landing a parking space right by the venue in record time. I'm often grateful for my parking karma... I don't know what god I've appeased to manage such perfect spots so often, but I need to figure that shit out!

I hoisted my big bag of kit- a paddle, some cuffs, matched recycled rubber floggers, the dildo, some nonlatex condoms, and a bottle of Babeland lube- over my shoulder and we got to MC. Up the stairs, we checked in about 10 minutes early. Thankfully being a regular to the space meant I could persuade the hostess to let me show OHC around before everyone got there. MC is a gorgeous space, perfect for sexy parties, and I wanted to make sure she got to see it all thoroughly.

My first surprise was in the room off the bar, which was playing porn. I was pleased to see a scene with Madison Young and Dylan Ryan, though I couldn't figure out what dvd it was at the time (and still can't work it out!). Later I saw Jiz Lee as well onscreen, which was a nice sight for someone expecting girl-on-girl porn instead of queer porn. My heart did a little dance of yay. My second surprise was that I was not the only person packing that night! I noticed right away this cute butch who was wearing a nice cock under her trousers. I was thrilled that I wasn't the only queer at the party- that swinger didn't have to mean heterosexual after all. And my third surprise? The people were lovely. I didn't have a single guy pester me or push my boundaries. I flirted gently and was gently flirted with back. The people were pretty sexy. I mean, ok, I did roll my eyes at the fact that women dressed up and men mostly didn't (at least not to the same extent) but it was a hell of a lot better than anticipated.

With a bit of champers in my blood, I invited OHC into the dungeon room for a bit of a warm up. We've kissed before (at the John Snow kiss-in, when I was in clown), and discussed a play date, but this was our first actual play date and I wanted to start off slow. Being a bit of a sadist, the way to get my cunt wet is to let me loose with some toys on some willing naked skin- so I bent OHC over a spanking bench and gave her a nice warmup with my hands and my cat-shaped paddle. Initially, there was only a couple of friends in there- then slowly people began to trickle in, until there was a bit of a crowd. I was pleased to have gotten the kinky party started, though I ended up taking OHC away when a man nearby was a bit uncontrolled with his flogger. She seemed happy and glowy, and my Beast was clawing away for more, so after some chat I took her back into the room and attached her to the St Andrews Cross.

She had said something about really enjoying the flogging she had experienced before, so I brought my trusty rubber floggers which maintain a nice balance between stingy and thuddy. I started with her back, one flogger rhythmically smacking each shoulder at a time, before warming up her ass a little. I checked in to see how she was, and got a dreamy "mmhmm" so pulled my other flogger out.

That's when I entered Top space. I felt amazing, letting my floggers fly, one than the other hitting her shoulders, then her ass, than her shoulders, until I had built her up enough for some more intense flogging. Sadism is a bit like a trance I enter, where there's nothing and noone that matters but my submissive and I, the sound of toy against flesh and little whimpers. It really, really turns me on, like nothing else really. If anyone stands between me and mine at that time I feel sure my Beast would growl. I am fiercely protective of my meat. No one got too close, or was disrespectful, though, so I enjoyed myself in peace.

Eventually I took OHC down for some petting and some water. She was a bit glazed over, which made me pleased. At this point the dungeon space was busy, too, which also pleased me, like we had given them permission to try it out. We met some more people, and sat for a while, until I knew it was time and got out my harness and my dildo.

I had started my period so knew I was going to be a stone femme tonight, which was ok with me. It helps me to focus. I strapped on my cock to some appreciating eyes and took her into the Pink room... where I had lost my own Mission Control virginity so many years ago. Up she went, onto the bed, and I played with her nipples, drinking in each little gasp. I slid my hand into a glove, lubed it up, and rolled my fingers across her clit. She was already slick but I enjoyed making her wait a bit. The G-Ki added to her moans and writhing, until at last I rolled a nonlatex condom over my cock and fucked her silly. Again, there was nothing and no one but us in that moment, and I watched her face as she flushed. It was beautiful.

We snuggled for a little while afterwards, giggling and wrapping our arms around each other. It was late by then, and time for bed, so I drove her home, her scent still on my skin. I slept more soundly than I have in days.

I've struggled a lot with polyamory over the years. I no longer identify as poly, though possibly nonmonogamous. I always fought with myself over the idea that I might actually enjoy swinging. I think what always held me back is the idea that "men switch wives"- it's not a switching of partners so much as it's a switching of properly in some of these places. But at Kiss I felt like I could belong there. Perhaps not all the time, but I could visit and feel right at home. It was a fantastic night, and one I'll remember fondly for quite some time.

You can read OHC's account here!

With your consent we will publish your writing to a new blog-based website in the Autumn - either anonymously or with your name attached to it. In some cases we will also link your writing to the relevant sex worker's website (with your permission and theirs). 

Oh my god.

This porn parody has skyrocketed to one of my favourites ever. For many reasons, not least because I was a huge Rocky nerd growing up. My heart, now, is with Hedwig, but I couldn't resist watching the Rocki Whore Picture Show when given the chance by Good Vibes.

Brad, played by Rocco Reed, and Janet, played by Jessica Drake, were hilarious to watch as a (now-married) couple who get lost thanks to a rogue GPS. "You will be lost in 200 yards" the GPS says, which made me giggle. They have some pretty hot sex in their car before deciding that maybe they ought to go find a phone to use to get back to their honeymoon. Janet is shown to be pretty hot and horny, but in this really sweet way that I found appealing.

They get to the castle, and run into Stiff-Staff (Randy Spears) who brings them into the castle to meet with Frank N' Beans. We also meet Vagina, the Magenta parody played to great effect by Nikki Tyler, and Euphoria, who is the perky stand-in for Columbia played by Alektra Blue. Frank is, of course, making porn (creating a delicious meta commentary on the industry) and has created the Perfect Porn Star in Rocki, played by the tall, tan, slim Puma Swede... but who will be the star, Rocki, or the excited new talent Janet..?

Director Brad Armstrong is Freddy, and you can tell this whole project, his first porn parody, must be a passion project for him. He sews some of the costumes! There's the addition of two twin-like women, Mona and Lisa, who are Frank's assistants (because porn needs women!) but Armstrong manages to do homage to RHPS while gently poking fun (I love some of the audience responses that are incorporated) and also poking fun at porn tropes generally. And yes, it's still a musical! There's a lot of fun to be had here, so I don't want to describe each scene, but here's the pairings:

Sex scenes:

Brad and Janet
Vagina and Euphoria
Freddy and Euphoria
Janet and Frank
Brad, Mona and Lisa
Stiff-Staff and Vagina
Janet and Rocki
Massive 18 minute orgy

There's a few things I wanted to point out specifically that made Rocki Whore excellent for me though-

1) Condoms are used throughout, and it's not apologized for or awkward. Yes, it's the magic condom that goes on without any footage of that, but seeing the porn stars remove them and cum onto chests and thighs was pretty hot and nicely seamless.

2) Negotiation happens during sex! This was super exciting to see. Janet asks Brad to cum on her thigh "so I can see it" which is super hot, and there's negotiation between Euphoria and Vagina during their scene too. Little bits here and there- "do you like when I do this?", that sort of thing, really made the negotiating hotter for me and showed examples of how one can add asking for consent to their dirty talk.

3) Frank is AWESOME. He's in drag for his sex scenes, which is really fucking cool, and, what really surprised me? HE FLIRTS WITH BRAD. In fact, they hint that if they weren't interrupted by Stiff-Staff, they would totally have gotten it on too. THANK YOU WICKED! That was totally unexpected and warmed my heart. It was really awesome to see some boy-on-boy queerness, even hinted, in a "straight" porn.

4) Self-Awareness FTW! I loved the little hidden shoutout to PWL, the casting of Puma as "the perfect porn star" with her big fake breasts, tan skin, and incredibly slim body, while casting lots of different types in the rest of the film, some of the one-liners which were just fantastic. I loved that Rocki preferred to direct porn, not act in it. It really worked with the porn-within-a-porn concept and made it intellectually interesting.

5) I loved how silly it was. I mean, the humour was fabulous. From the little nods to the live Rocky audience participation to the jokes, from the fact everyone stays in character during sex to the playfulness of the whole thing, this made me smile. I loved that Mona and Lisa gave Brad a makeover (into what looked like floor show makeup but clownier) before fucking him silly. The menu before you start watching is hilarious- I actually watched the whole thing. It all made me giggle, and I really like that in porn. They looked like they were having fun, and they looked like they were having sex they enjoyed!

6) Imperfection was present. That's really hot to me. Cellulite was on screen- awesome! A toy slipped out, and that was left in- great! A man in a wheelchair gets a blowjob- hot! I like it when there's some impression that this is sex, and things don't always go according to plan, not everyone's got the smooth body, not everyone is able-bodied. It doesn't alienate me.

There's a whole disc of special features, from a special on the costumes to auditions to bloopers to a "making of". There's lots of extra bits, which is great, and they're great fun to watch too! And I also love that they gave a shoutout to their local Rocky cast. <3

So yeah. If you get a chance, whether you like RHPS or not, check out Rocki Whore Picture Show. It's well worth it and it's a great porn, as well as being a fun movie.

Thank you Good Vibes for the chance to review it in exchange for a fair review!

"So Kitty," you might say while reading some of my recent blog posts on abuse and rape culture in BDSM, and feeling kind of depressed at some of the reactions, "that fucking sucks. How can we be an ethical member of a kinky community that fights these issues?"


I'm so glad you asked!  These are some tips and ideas that I have personally for how I'd like to take personal responsibility myself, and hopefully, it'll be helpful for other people.


Admit it Happens


Look, people, maybe it hasn't happened to you, but I would put down money that abuse has touched your kinky community at some point. And it probably didn't go down that well. In fact, the victim, no matter how old, well-known, or savvy he or she was, probably blamed themselves- for not fighting back hard enough, for disassociating and struggling to safeword, for being there in the first place. Cause that's part of trauma response. It's only after you start to talk to others and realize how common it is that you get mad-

I finally told several people close to me, And then a few more. And no one told me I was stupid. In fact, to my dismay, my story was common. Standard. Typical.

And that is horrifying. THAT is shameful.

So I am taking a deep breath and telling you today. Because? Consent COUNTS. And anyone can be taken advantage of. Anyone. And you aren’t stupid, you aren’t helpless, if someone pushes through your boundaries.

-Consent [Violated] by Mollena 

If you're not admitting that this happens, if you're putting your fingers in your ears and singing "lalalala", you are enabling this abuse. I mean, hell, the Leather Leadership Conference seems to think it's relevant. Communities like Kink Abuse exist. Resources like the National Leather Associations Domestic Violence Project seems to take it pretty seriously too. Did you know these things were even available? Do you think they're making it up or "just being dramatic"?


Be Aware of Creepiness

First of all, let's talk a bit about not being creepy. Cause one thing we definitely have control over is our own behavior and trying not to add to the problem, right? Being creepy, while often characterized by what Maggie Mayhem called the Creepy Naked Guy, is certainly not restricted to him- people of every gender can have that special, leer-y look that makes a shiver go down the spine.


Holly over on Pervocracy has a great piece on how to not be creepy that everyone can learn a lot from:

I don't agree with Clarisse Thorn that "creepy" is a meaningless or sexist term. (See Pandagon's response.) I think it has a very clear meaning: someone who is creepy is someone who makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable in a sexual way. And while you may be unfair in your discomfort--for example, if you feel uncomfortable around anyone who admits they're into BDSM--it's still real. When it's realest are the times when you don't know why you feel it. If someone strikes you as "creepy" and you can't put your finger on it, you feel a little unfair applying the label because they're clearly so nice but you just keep having this feeling--do not get alone with them. "Creepy" may be a pejorative sometimes; other times it's the goddamn Gift Of Fear.

But what if people think you're a creep, and you don't deserve it? I don't think the answer is to tell them that they're being wrong and unfair--you can't argue with a feeling, and trying to debate a person into not being afraid of you is kind of creepy in itself. Sometimes you may just need to move on to another social group. But sometimes there are things you can do to make people feel safer and more comfortable around you, even as you continue to pursue sex and romance. Take it from a recovering creep.

Seriously, read it. It's the best first step you can take to help improve your local community. And learn how to ogle with awareness and tact.


But woe to the person who says "creepy folks are creepy", because they're judgmental and not respecting YKIOK. I was amazed that people had a response of "but, but, think of the wankers!": 

The idea of empowerment and responsibility for one's own actions deeply resonates with me, and I would prefer that our community, which often speaks of embracing all of the various perverts that mainstream society castigates, should suit its actions to its words. In this instance, to embrace the wankers for what they contribute to the dungeon. Yes, they're unsanitary, but as it's already been pointed out, poor sanitary habits are not their personal onus to bear. We all need to be cleaner in the dungeon. What wankers contribute are twofold that I can easily determine: they offer themselves as an audience, and they offer pheremones to heighten the mood of any sex-play in progress. As long as they're not invading someone's space or getting their mess on equipment, food, or other people, I think they should be as accepted as the couple doing fire-play, the people in a race-play scene, or whatever else we might encounter in a dungeon. 

(emphasis mine)

Really? REALLY? I've never been to a dungeon party in person where people were delighted to see the Wankyman Express. I've never heard him referred to as an asset before. I have heard people leave because he's there and refuse to come back because he weirds them out.


Interestingly, many dungeons have rules against the things CWG does- cruising aggressively, masturbating outside of a scene, being there in a dungeon space exclusively for sex. Though it's hard to know that, considering a lot of dungeons and sex spaces don't actually post their rules online- posting what you can't do in these spaces suggests what you *can* do, which can be a liability. So everyone learns the rules when they get to the space, and are already hyped up and wanting to get in as quickly as possible. Not the best for retaining information... or managing expectations. And then when you're in the party, CWG isn't often called out for his behaviour, because yeah, he's creepy, but is he hurting anyone..?


The answer? Indirectly, yes, yes he is. And I like this response:

With YKIOK I think its about people engaging in things that you may not be interested in and don't have to get involved in. Wanky men don't give you a choice. Also YKIOK can be used as a blanket statement that doesn't always apply, for example, if someone is being unsafe/threataning whatever in a club, someone will step in.

So thing you can do #2? Don't be creepy.


Note: Not every creepy person realizes they're coming off as creepy. This can be due to a lack of experience, general social awkwardness/anxiety, gendered training and being on the autism spectrum, among other things. So try to be gentle but clear when letting someone know they're coming off that way, and try to give an example of what they could be doing instead. 


Listen


If someone comes up to you and says they've been assaulted, your jobs, in order, are to listen, ask them what they need, and to reference them to some help for then to take up or not as they so choose.


As far as I'm aware, DMs and party hosts are not required to have even read a pamphlet on how to be a first responder for sexual or physical assault. They have no idea how to deal with a victim's responses... or even an understanding of what they might be and why. This is a serious problem that leads to victims feeling uncomfortable speaking up... understandable, when the likelihood is that they'll be told it's their fault anyway.


It's not your job to play therapist. But you can listen. And you can say "that sounds like it was a really scary experience" and ask what they need from you. If you can offer it, you can offer it. If not you can help them to the best of your ability. You should have some resources displayed with all the party fliers by the door so you can give them to people as needed. And you can understand that someone who has just suffered trauma may be struggling to put all the pieces together.


Negotiate... and Stick To It


We talk a lot about negotiation and consent. Yet one of the things that really concerns me is the often spoken "no means no"... because people tend to take that as "everything is ok until they say no/safeword". There's that joke, right, about Jesus- why did he die on the cross? He forgot his safeword. Hah! But when you think about it there's an undercurrent that's kind of creepy- that, because he didn't safeword, everything else was ok. Sure, it's a joke, but it reflects an attitude that ignores that people dealing with trauma may struggle to say "no", or struggle to safeword, and that isn't a free pass.

And if you want to have sex with someone, for God's sake don't be this guy. In every case, just freaking ask. The point of asking someone is not to get a "yes" by any means necessary; it's to find out how they feel about you. 

Realize that, post-high-school, most people are not cruel in saying no. Rejection is awkward and painful for the rejector too, and anyone worthy of your affection is going to be gentle about it. If you know each other at all as people (and sometimes even if you don't), they're not going to laugh or insult you or tell all their friends how gross you are. They're just going to tell you that you won't be dating them, which is a situation you were already living with. 

If someone says no, that means no. Don't keep asking and don't ask "why not?" The answer to "why not" is never something you want to hear, and forcing it out of someone will never change their mind; it'll just be excruciating for both of you.

-How Not to be Creepy, Pervocracy 

Which is why I'd like to hear more "yes means yes". Because yes is sexy, and negotiation can be hot- it doesn't have to be a mood-killer. 


My boy was telling me about a scene he did recently where he told his play partner that he wasn't going to take his clothes off- he wanted them to do it. A simple power thing, right? But that allowed the play partner to decide how much should come off, and when- it was a sexy way to suss out how far to go. That's pretty hot. Or my play partner last night who winked at me, cock in harness, and said "well, if you want to be fucked, you should roll over on your back"... thus allowing me to make that decision. Being able to say no (without passive aggressive sulking for hearing that no) makes your yes mean something, and that's hot for everyone.


Jay Wiseman had a blog post on how unfortunate it is when someone sticking to the negotiations made is revolutionary, rather than the norm:

So the scene is finished and she's getting dressed when I hear her quietly say, almost more to herself than me, "You actually kept the agreement to not be sexual.  That was interesting."

Huh?

I turn to look at her, my jaw hanging open.

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

"You're the first one who ever did that," she replies.

HUH???

"Yeah," she continues, "All of the other men have just gone ahead and had sex with me anyway."

I cannot believe what I'm hearing.

"What do they say afterwards?"

"Usually something like, Oh, it just happened."

I just stare at her, stunned into speechlessness.  Then it dawns on me that she was likely thinking that I would break the agreement as well.  She went into the scene anticipating that that would happen.  All throughout the scene a part of her brain was waiting for that to "just happen."  She was expecting that I would break my word.

He goes on to discuss how that related to his feelings when he read the manuscript for a kinky dating guide for women:

 What particularly bothered me about the manuscript was that the author wasn't talking about newbie men.  She was talking about established, well-known guys.  Guys seen at places like local munches with some frequency.  Guys (supposedly!) well educated about basic SM principles such as consent, respecting limits, and so forth.  Guys who *knew better* than to pull crap like that.  This bothered me, rather a lot, particularly the implications.

So what I basically have here is at least three women, all of whom seem fairly rational and emotionally stable with no anti-male axe to grind, and all of whom are separately affirming that being lied to by men -- in particular, being lied to by local, known, supposedly educated men -- in order to get sex/play/etc. is a *common* experience for them.  In particular, incidents involving men lying or breaking agreements in order to "get" sex and/or to avoid using condoms seem to be extremely common.

Please let's move away from this rape culture and consciously towards a consent culture. That's a lot more of a turn-on.


Be Heard Calling "Bullshit"

This is the way our society tends to lock us into seeing things from the point of view of a heterosexual male. It's sort of assumed that you'll find "sexy" women appealing and "sexy" men funny or gross, that anyone will want to follow male role models but female ones are only for girls, and that the public discourse in general is aimed at straight men unless specified otherwise. And of course all this is tremendously magnified if youare a heterosexual man; with an effort a woman can find female perspectives, but men are almost never forced to take on a female viewpoint. Marie Curie and Amelia Earhart are never held up as heroes for little boys.

The relevant end result of this is that when someone--particularly straight men, but not only them--sees a story about a woman accusing a man of rape, they put themselves in the place of the man. They don't think "wow, what would it be like if I were raped?", but "wow, what would it be like if I were accused of rape?"

Well, I certainly wouldn't commit rape! So if I assume that this person I'm empathizing with acts the same way I would have, he must be innocent, and dealing with this false accusation must be tremendously frightening and frustrating for him. As long as you see the alleged rapist as the protagonist, the "you" of the story, the furthest you're able to stretch is "maybe he raped her for a really good reason?"

You know what happens when someone who has been abused overhears the victim-blaming, slut-shaming, apologist vitriol that gets spewed out when a victim comes out? They leave the community. And they don't come back. And that abuser gets to continue to teach classes, harass n00bs, and be a predator, without ever worrying that they'll be told off. 


I mean, FFS, stop patting yourselves on the back, kink community. Even the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and Tristan Taoromino get the difference, and it's not just "they didn't safeword" or "they didn't say no". As Tristan said, "Once you have gotten into the realm of holding someone down, being forceful with them, doing something that could leave a mark on their body, you better hear a loud, enthusiastic and sober 'yes.'"


More to the point? Hold these asshats accountable. Encourage communication. Don't let predatory Doms (and, additionally, abusive subs) attack over and over again.


Keep an eye open for the next post on this, which will explain techniques I've discovered for community leaders on additional ways to address abuse in the community.


Other Links of Note:


Getting into BDSM: Safety
Ways to Combat Sexual Abuse/Power-Based Violence in Alt-Sex Communities
Civility and Incivility in the Scene
Abusers Among Us


(Also, if you're in the SF/Bay Area on August 4th, please come to the Center for Sex and Culture for Maggie's and my free workshop "Safe/Ward: Combating Abuse in the BDSM Community, listed onFetlife and Facebook- the guestlist is anonymous and will not show up on your wall. Hopefully it'll be on the SOJ Calendar soon too!)

(this contest has now ended! The winner is Heidi! Congrats Heidi, and enjoy your harness!)


Celebrating my 1000 followers on Twitter (and getting close to 100 subscribers to this blog), MyPleasure has offered a Diva Harness for me to give away to someone in the US! Awesome :D


The Diva harness is particularly good for larger people interested in a well-fitted, machine-washable harness that isn't too femme. It's super comfortable, very adjustable, and perfect for strap on sucking, fucking and wearing. 


The front and back are lightly padded, which was really nice. The larger back is to give some extra support. So if you like strapons that can be a bit heavy, that support can be useful in giving you a nice, stiff, sturdy hard on for optimal sexyfuntimes.
Another thing this harness comes with is multiple rings, so you can adjust accordingly to fit the diameter of the toy you're playing with. That's really nice, as some harnesses are stitched in such a way that you're stuck with the ring they come with- these snap right out! The O-rings are rubber (though if you have an allergy you can substitute with a leather or nickel-plated one), and come in 1.5 inch, 1.75 inch, and 2 inch sizes. 


It's even comfy enough to wear under those fabulous dresses or trendy jeans you like, you diva you.


You want one? Here's how to enter!

• Tweet about it once a day.  If you tweet, please be sure to leave a comment! It’s just easier for me to keep track that way. Make sure to include @kittystryker and a link to this post.

Ex: You're such a DIVA! Enter to win a Diva harness from @My_Pleasure and @KittyStryker  (US only, sorry!) http://tinyurl.com/suchadiva

• Tell me what other products at MyPleasure that you would love to have.
• Follow me on Twitter (comment to let me know
• "Like" MyPleasure on Facebook (comment to let me know)
• Follow MyPleasure on Twitter (comment to let me know)
• Follow my blog (comment to let me know)
• “Like” Purrversatility on Facebook (comment to let me know)
• Post about this contest on your blog, Facebook page, Tumblr, whatever… (comment to let me know)
• Comment on my other reviews/posts (give a link)
• Put a link on your blog leading to mine (comment to let me know and provide link)

(Note: This post may be triggering, and contains victim blaming references, as well as a lot of Fetlife posts. Sorry to those without a Fetlife account! I have a screencap of the blog post referenced I can send your way if you want to check it for yourself).

Fetlife's done something really interesting lately.

They've done some sort of weird search query blocking, where you can't search the words rape, raped, raping, force, forced, forcing, incest, child, infant, prostitute. Oh, those fetishes still exist on Fetlife, never fear- but now, you have to put them in quotation marks. So, it's not rape, it's "rape". Unless, of course, you look up rape/incest/prostitute play, in which case that's ok. Also, phrases like "rape culture" and "raping her" are ok not in quotes. And nonconsensual nonconsent is available to browse. Way to cover your asses, Fetlife!

Sexual assault meanwhile still shows up without quotations. As does abuse. As does nigger, whore, and, of course, fag ("Fag Bashing" being the name of one delightful such group that comes up when you search that one... awesome!). You don't need quotation marks around those words to indicate you're not being serious, I guess, or to say that it's ok cause it's only roleplay.

Note: I enjoy some rape roleplay myself, so don't get me wrong there, but I find it interesting what's been decided to deserve that special, "make sure it's not for realz" attention and what hasn't.

By the way, as part of my research for the workshop Maggie Mayhem and I are doing, we've been paying attention to these things, and that blocking stuff? That's new. Interesting. I'll be curious to see what maymay has to say about all that if he's got the energy...

Anyway, I blogged last week about how abuse and sexual assault happens in the BDSM community and how it often doesn't get addressed in any meaningful way, thereby enabling it. I got a lot of support, and of the people I knew, I was fascinated by the fact it was often from people who don't go into community spaces much anymore. Of the people I didn't know, one of the things I kept hearing was "and this is why I'm not part of the community/have left the community".

But I also got a lot of shit for it. I was told I was doing a disservice to the community by speaking out, that being sexually cajoled must be some sort of fetish for me, that there are precautions I could've/should've taken to avoid it (thereby suggesting that by not taking enough precautions it was partially my responsibility). If I had written this when I was 18-22, I would have been violently triggered and probably left the "community" myself.

But I'm not.

Photo by Tex Allen

I'm 27 now, a Domme, a writer, a performer, with a lot of time and experience under her corset.

And I'm not scared, I'm not shamed, I'm not shutting up and sitting down. I am fucking PISSED OFF. And even more determined than before.

Let me start with this:

Also fascinating was that the people who were the loudest about how I was responsible for my own assault were almost all women, and most often sexual assault survivors themselves. How creepy is that? We don't need a male Dom to stomp in and slut shame us, because we've internalized all this shit so much that female submissives will do the work for them. Awesome. In the real sense of the word- inspiring a lot of (horrifying) awe.

Fun fact: the original poster changed the title of her blog post from "Abuse in the Community? Try Irresponsibility" to just "Abuse in the Community?", and apologized for continuing to debate as if I had not said no (even though in some ways the cult of "did you fight back enough" can be equally harmful). However, in her apology, she said, " I don't know if it just wasn't prominent enough or if the other things she had said in the article contradicted it in my minds eye." Way to suggest that not reading thoroughly enough was somehow my fault! ::sigh::

Photo by Violet Carson

Photo by Leng Montgomery

I love sensory deprivation, both giving and receiving. I often close my eyes during sex, and have to reassure my lovers it's not because I don't find them attractive, but because denying myself that sense allows me to feel everything more, to really be in my body. But I'm picky about my blindfolds- the ones that Virgin Atlantic give you just won't do.

So imagine my excitement when Axovus said I could review their Ultimate Blindfold, a beautiful leather blindfold that blocks out light really, really well and is super comfy! That said, these photos are not the best ever... blindfolding yourself and then attempting to take Myspace photos is pretty difficult, as I'm sure you can imagine.

The blindfold is really nifty as it buckles on both sides, allowing for quite a bit of adjustment to get a good fit. There's also this nice double strap in the back to support your head and keep the blindfold on, which is a brilliant idea. It's made with leather with neoprene for a soft, cushiony and lightproof seal.

Did I mention that you can remove the liner and wash it? Cause you can! It's attached by velcro to make cleaning a breeze.

I generally like to blindfold people because then they can't see me take off the high heeled boots, fix a cup of tea, or drop the flogger. Gotta maintain that Domme reputation after all, right?

I personally enjoy the sensation of being blindfolded as it's a very comfortable restraint for me and I enjoy the sense of calm I feel when wearing a good blindfold. Granted, sometimes I'm so calm I fall asleep... but then, that makes a blindfold even better as the other person can't tell. ;) I kid, I kid, but the Ultimate Blindfold was super nice. I liked that I had room to open my eyes if I wanted, thanks to the design.

I pulled this out during my Crash Pad shoot as a great way to help my costar focus on the sensations I was giving her... along with disorienting her a bit, making the power switchup a little more interesting. If you have a self-conscious lover interested in kink, blindfolds are perfect because they focus less on what to look at and how they look and just melt into their body and their experience. How could you not love it?

Too bad I can't bring this on the plane... necessarily. Hmm...

Thanks Axovus for sending me the Ultimate Blindfold in exchange for an honest review!

(Also, while you're on their site, check out their other stuff- their steampunkish goggles blindfold is fabulous!)