I'm often asked by friends if I have a recommendation for a toy for this or a place one can get a leather that.

I'm thinking this holiday season, what if I offered a sensual personal shopping service? I mean, every single toy company offers their own, right, but only for the stuff they offer at their shop. What if you could get someone's expertise who could give you a personalized recommendation? Getting someone who has a lot of time to poke around for the perfect thing to source the ideal present?

I love Christmas shopping. Like, a lot. I pride myself on finding the perfect, random things for people on my list. Things they wouldn't think to ask for but can't imagine being without either. So my unemployed, too much time on my hands self thought- maybe I can offer that skill and even get a little moolah myself... hmm!

Would anyone use such a service? I'd happily cover sex toys, kinky toys, erotica, sex guides and pornography! Maybe I'd even manage to get a coupon for you. How much would such a service be worth to you?

So while I was ramping up to visit my parents and boy in Massachusetts, I got an email from a member of the Boston kink community, asking me to please come and do the Safe/Ward workshop. They were really struggling with figuring out how they could promote consent culture and squash entitlement culture within their munches and parties.

How could I not?

I ended up feeling invigorated and inspired after workshopping with Boston. People were very actively involved in making their community a better, safer place, and no one sat there scared that giving survivors a voice would lead to "drama". If anything, I left Boston disappointed in the Bay Area, where "community leaders" are mostly (seemingly) uninterested in engaging Maggie and I on these topics, where people keep quiet because some of the worst predators are community pillars, and toppling them may mean social death.

I'm posting their notes from their Fetlife group, Boston Consent Working Group, with permission, because I think they're interesting and give insight. I hope other Safe/ward events pop up- and yes, our outline and resource list are available to anyone wishing to run one locally, and we're available to teach it!

Without further ado...

Why are we here?
• To lead our communities well
• Because we have had bad experiences
• Because it’s hard to say no
• Everyone should talk about consent
• Education
• To find out what can be done when something bad happens

What is abuse, assault, coercion?
• Things done without consent
• Bad intention
• Harms self/relationship
• Acts which put the fear of harm in another
• Taking advantage
• Verbal, physical
• Implying a negative outcome
• Involuntary sexual relations
• Changing limits mid-scene
• Playing to try to get the safeword
• Ignoring safeword/limits
• Isolation
• Humiliation
• Discouraging safewords
• Trivial demands

Many of these things (ex. Fear of harm, humiliation, trivial demands) are parts of scenes, or can be played with CONSENSUALLY in scenes, so it can be hard to tell the difference in BDSM scenes/relationships

What’s the difference? CONSENT!
• Talk beforehand – negotiation – even if an established partner
• Double check consent even when it’s not the first time you’re doing something
• Safe words
• Consider using checklists, a scale of 1-10 vs. yes/no, ball/keys in hand if can’t speak
• As an outsider you could make eye contact with a top to see how things are going, but you can’t really SEE consent

Barriers to a consent culture
• Can’t name abusers on Fetlife
• Ignore emotions of survivors
• “But I know them & they’re good”
• Punishing “snitches” with isolation and judgment
• Silence between abuser/abused
• Ignore vs. deal with ‘drama’
• Not excluding dangerous persons
• Blame on survivor/drama maker
• Anti-police
• Community > individual
• No action when a line is crossed
• Danger is sexy

So… what can we do?
• Only do things with complete agreement from all parties
• Bright light in play spaces
• Quiet or no music in play spaces
• More diversity in images
• Make sure community leaders/hosts are focusing on these issues
• Call out transgressors even when a community leader
• Verbalize and visualize guidelines at parties
• Community-generated party rules
• Empower not only Dungeon Monitors to speak up
• “Playroom sweetie” class to come back after asked to leave party/event
• Give space to learn from mistakes
• PAL system (if your Pal gets kicked out, you get a warning)
• Visible leaders at events to tell if something is going on

What to do about: Fetlife
• Current situation
o Unsolicited sex messages
o Trolling
o Anything goes – it’s the internet!
o Anonymous – ‘cock pics 4 u’
o Racism, transphophia, silencing, sexism
o Problematic fetish phrasing

• Ideal situation
o Not that!
o Greater Boston Trauma Survivors and Supporters on Fetlife
o Boston’s Women Supporting Women on Fetlife

• Actions to get there
o Today:
• Spread work about GBTSS and BWSW on fetlife
• Call out people when saying inappropriate things – ‘derailing for dummies’
o This month:
• Workshop/discussion on social skills/flirting/etc.
o This year:
• Hold Fetlife/community leaders accountable to the ideals they hold space for
• ‘Hold Fetlife accountable’ FL group

What to do about: Parties
• Current situation
o Nonconsensual touch
o Feeling pressured
o Challenges of saying “no”
o Atmosphere (dark, loud)

• Ideal situation
o “It’s OK to say: No, safe, …!!”
o Rules on the wall
o No means NO

• Actions to get there
o Today:
• Write down and respect your own limits
o This month:
• Talk to a group leader or party organizers about rules & atmospheres
o This year:
• Do a check-in to evaluate success and continue improvement →feedback loop

What to do about: Munches
• Current situation
o Griefers
o Expectation management
o Inappropriate/non-consensual touching
o Invasiveness

• Ideal situation
o Responsible folks
o Guidelines
o Boundaries – stated for everyone
o Getting to know someone as a person

• Actions to get there
o Today:
• Suggest ideas about consent culture to munch organizers
o This month:
• Suggest things about consent culture at munches
o This year:
• Communication between different munch leaders about consent culture/guidelines

So if you've read reviews on my blog for any length of time you know that I really love reviewing toys that are kind of offbeat and different, whether that be the nature of their design, something clever they do, or how one uses them.

MyPleasure gave me the opportunity to enjoy reviewing something I had never even imagined.

The L'Intimate.

This is not your normal lint brush.

This is actually a sex toy.

As someone whose blog tagline promises to teach you how to remove cat hair from your clothes when you have a client in 30 minutes, well, here we go! The perfect tool for such a situation.

Grandma didn't have any idea what it was until I took it apart and showed her, so you know it's got the potential to hide unnoticed in your household when the relatives come by for the holidays. They might use it, though, so be prepared for that.

But they won't know the secret. You'll be like the Batman of sex toys.

Here's how it works:

The inner vibrator has an insertable length of 6" (7" in total), smooth phthalate-free, non-porous plastic, with a twist cap to change the speed. It's waterproof, takes two double A batteries, and is easy to clean with soap and water or a toy cleaner. And it's already got a storage container- holy secret identity, Batman!

As for the roll, it's replaceable with any standard adhesive paper rolls, so you can use this baby for a while.

When I saw it, I laughed. Then I thought it would be brilliant for a cat lady burlesque routine. Then I realized that this was really useful for sex workers who travel, or for parents with snooping kids (or parents), or for people with roommates. And it's a decent vibrator, too!

While I personally might give this to a service submissive for a giggle, it'd make a good gift for anyone who can benefit from discretion. Funny aside- my grandma saw it on the table (I had shown it to her and explained how it worked) and she exclaimed "you used it as a lint brush??" Hehehehe!

Thank you MyPleasure for giving me a chance to try the L'Intimate out!

It's been a struggle to get back into the sex worker saddle this trip, but it's something I feel like I want to actively pursue again. So this week is for a lot of housekeeping- contacting people with potential spaces, updating my profiles, and starting to talk to a friend about streamlining my site. Whew!

Anyone who says sex work is just lying on your back and being fucked is lying, btw. It's a lot of hustling, marketing, graphic design, image management, modeling, money management... it's complicated shit!

The Consent Culture Logo, by Tom Ker-Oldfield

Introduction: Safe/Ward is incredibly close to my heart, and there are quite a few posts on my blog in the series- here's a list:


-I Never Called it Rape
-I Wish I Could Use a Safeword on Rape Culture
-A What You Can Do Guide for Community Members
-A What You Can Do Guide for Community Leaders
-Blog Carnival #1
-This is Why I Speak Up
-Shadows (about one of my experiences)


It will continue to be discussed here, for sure, under the tag "safeward". And I've started a Fetlife group for announcements and resources around consent culture in the Bay Area, along with an invite-only Google group to discuss how we're going to step up as a community and create standards we can live by. I welcome you to join either.


But today, I want to offer for you all a call to arms guest post by Nadia West, blogger over at Diary of a Kinky Librarian. It's the original piece posted on Good Vibrations Magazine a couple days ago, where she talks bluntly (and without identifying the perp) about an abusive experience she had.


When her abuser commented on the post (outing himself, may I add), protesting that she was lying, that he was a "a published writer and sex educator who may justifiably be considered an expert in the subjects I teach" and who has presented many places (I guess to add weight that because he "is someone" he must not be abusive..?) GV initially approved his comment. Why, I have no idea, and I'd be curious to hear how they justified that, particularly as her post had no identifying information. He went on to add smugly that the second conference leaders "concluded that she described a consensual act, not assault"- like anyone but the survivor can conclude that. Sound disappointingly familiar?


Anyway, GV removed that post, and instead posted an edited version with this disclaimer:

Editor’s note: Per our company policy, Good Vibrations made an internal executive decision to remove the original blog post. This is the updated version. We apologize for any discomfort this caused.

Discomfort for whom, I ask?


I should add that I care about Good Vibes. They sponsored the Boston Safe/Ward workshop (notes to be up soon) and they've published all the Safe/Ward stuff I've sent them. But as I said in my community leaders post- don't be afraid to put your foot down. I'm sure GV didn't mean to be silencing, but by trying to... avoid drama? stay neutral, maybe? they ended up silencing Nadia, even though she didn't name names.


Here is Nadia's post, because I feel holding community leaders responsible for their responses, and discussing what we can do without silencing survivors, is important. 


And dude (you know who you are)- if you try to comment here, you will be ignored. Just FYI. This isn't safe space for your justifications.

Next March, I'll be participating in a panel discussion at Momentum, a conference dedicated to "making waves in sexuality, feminism and relationships." The discussion is titled: "Being the Change you Want to See: Helping Stem the Tide of Silence about Sexual Abuse in Sex-Positive Communities." I'll be joined by some fantastic women on the panel with varying experiences, including Kitty Stryker, who wrote about this topic a short while back here on GV magazine.

Like far too many women (and I'm sure some men as well) I have firsthand experience with not only sexual assault, but also having to face one's assailant at sex positive or kink events. For years I was mostly silent about what happened, only blogging on my personal blog as a way to get the feelings out. But earlier this year I was approached by organizers from an east coast kink conference after I sent out a rather passive-aggressive tweet about my assailant presenting at that conference.

Let me tell you, this was the first time in six years someone in a position of leadership approached me with respect, discretion and a willingness to listen in regards to this sort of situation. I sent information, and they clearly spent time going through the many links provided, ultimately finding an offensive comment left by my assailant on someone else's blog. They thanked me for coming forward, decided to ban this guy from presenting, and assured me that with his own offensive comment they had enough reason to ban him without ever mentioning me.

I was bowled over. But the usual narrative in dealing with this sort of thing occurred when I tried to bring this information to the attention of the organizers of another east coast event I was attending later in the year where the man who assaulted me was presenting - they weren't sure what to do, so ultimately they did nothing. It's not an easy thing to listen to one person's story and choose to accept it as truth, particularly if you don't know either of the persons involved. I had a mutual friend present the information to them, along with a testimonial of my character, hoping it would be particularly helpful. No dice.

I'm not specifically angry with the organizers of the event. A framework for dealing with this sort of thing has not been created in the sex positive community. But by ignoring assault (or abuse or rape), we basically support the perpetrator as their behavior has no consequences whatsoever. This man is being given legitimacy by being allowed to teach. Do we really want the newbies in the kink scene to think this sort of person is knowledgeable and trustworthy? What does it say about a con that would let this man present? Are speakers vetted at all?

At the Momentum panel, I hope that we'll be able to find ways to approach accusations in a more respectful way. I hope we can come up with suggestions for organizers on how to deal with something like this if a survivor comes forward. I understand the complexity of this issue as I've spoken to men who are afraid that an unintentional mistake would get them branded an abuser. Certainly, we don't want to persecute in case the accuser is lying (however, this has been shown to be a rare occurrence with sexual crimes) - but perhaps an accusation would be time to pull the presenter and look more into their character before allowing them to present at the next con. Good people who do something accidentally take responsibility for it and try to repair any damage they did. It's the ones who think that consent is not important and their behavior is acceptable that we have to watch out for.

While at the second event, I spent a couple of hours dealing with triggered post-traumatic stress disorder from running into my assailant in the hotel where I was staying. Just seeing him made all the fear of that moment when I was a victim come flooding back. I know I'm not alone in this sort of experience. How could I enjoy myself in a kink situation when I felt so unsafe? I wouldn't feel comfortable getting naked in a dungeon if I knew he was in that room.

So tell me, what are your suggestions for dealing with this in a way that acknowledges the reality of assault, listens to the survivor, and keeps people with no sense of boundaries from teaching classes at events? Should an accused person be banned from a con all together? (I'm not so supportive of that, even if it meant running into my assailant. We can't police everyone's behavior in the community, but we can keep questionable sorts from appearing to be experts to naive newbies.) How do we stop shrugging our shoulders saying "it's a he said/she said thing" and actually take action?

We're overdue to start a dialogue about this subject. And hopefully by discussion we can come up with ways to better handle what amounts to intensely negative acts happening unnoticed in supposedly sex-positive communities. I hope that suggestions will be left in the comments here.

I'm going to start doing some blog posts that'll be about troubleshooting when things go wrong in the sexy sphere, and I'm going to start calling them "mistakes were made".

Have you had an issue you need solved? Send me an email at miss.kitty.stryker at gmail with the subject line "mistakes were made" and I'll see if I can help!

So for my first issue, I'm going to talk about what to do when your silicone toy has picked up... well, a smell. often, specifically, the smell of ass. There's a common belief that silicone is odorless to begin with, and that it won't hold odors, which isn't entirely true anyway, but sometimes, if you're having teh buttsecks with a silicone toy, that toy will end up smelling of ass.

This became something I explored thoroughly after using one of my silicone toys anally (with a condom on it, no less!) ended up with the toy having a strong scent, even after washing with soap and hot water. Usually, washing your toy in the dishwasher or boiling it a little longer than usual (10 minutes, say) will help with the issue.

But what if your toy is a vibrator or otherwise can't be boiled? What should you do then?

First of all, I do NOT recommend you try Febreeze. I saw that suggested a few places, but you don't want those chemicals inserted inside you! I've seen dish soap or shampoo as recommended, but it can cause irritation for some, so be sure to rinse it off thoroughly just in case.

You can try a 10% bleach solution (just be sure, again, to rinse thoroughly). Air drying also helps with the smell. I've heard good things about putting your toy in some baking soda for a day or two and then washing it, which is another thing to try that won't really hurt you internally (or your pricey plug!)

There's also toy cleaners and wipes you can use, though, again, don't forget to rinse your toys before you use the toy, as those can also be irritating to your pink bits.

Of course when it comes to avoiding it in the first place, there's other things you should keep in mind. I mean, I thought a condom would work but apparently not!

So consider always having an enema ahead of time to minimize the risk of a scent on your toy (or a mess!) There's also the idea of storing your toys with a little bag filled with a vanilla bean, coffee beans, or a lightly scented dryer sheet to keep them smelling fresh.

But if it happens to you- it's not just you, seriously. This happens to people all the time. So don't feel embarrassed!  Just give the above tips a try if it happens to you, and you should have your toy smelling fresh again.

Don't forget, if you have a question or want some sex blunder advice, please drop me an email! I'd love to do these more regularly.

I haven’t blogged for the last couple of weeks because I’ve been in Boston visiting my boy and my parents. Obviously, I wanted to concentrate on the moment!

It’s been 5 months since I last saw him- 5 months apart are just impossible to deal with, to be honest. After months of us sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other all the time, 5 months felt like total torture, especially with 8 hours time difference. I had tried to get a visa back to the UK and had failed (they needed more financial information than I had at the time) and so what was originally expected to be 3 months at the most ended up being a lot longer.

So eventually we agreed to meet up in Massachusetts for a 2 week visit- we figured it was about time for him to meet my parents, after all, and I hadn’t seen them for years. Plus, MA was right between San Francisco and London, so we each had a 7 hour or so flight to each other. My parents made us amazing food, including lobster and an early Thanksgiving, and we got to go to the local shooting range which was fabulous. We visited Salem, went to see the Tiger Lilies on Halloween, met up with friends and went to the aquarium. It was nice to show the boy all my old haunts and explore some new ones.

Granted, it had some bumps to it. The night we got in, the power went out thanks to some wet snow... and it was out for 3 days! No heat, no electricity, no fridge. Kinda crazy, especially in a house filled with books (it's really no wonder I struggle to get rid of books myself- runs in the family). But sitting and drinking wine in front of the fireplace was quite nice. And as it was my boy's 26th birthday, my parents also gifted us with a night at a B&B, which was very sweet of them and really lush, soaking in a jacuzzi tub in a Victorian room. Best of both worlds.

We had a fantastic time together. We don’t fight nearly as often anymore, and we’ve definitely gotten better at communicating. And there’s just something for the feeling I get every time I see the boy, this overwhelming swelling of love in my heart that makes me realize- this is love, this is really the guy I want to spend my life with. He is constantly trying to be better for me, and I’m trying to improve for him too. I know that this is the guy I want to marry, to settle down and grow old with. And that’s so scary and new and amazing, all at the same time.

It’s also heartbreaking. Every time I see him I just feel... right. But saying goodbye, over and over again, rips me apart. I freak out about how much it hurts, sometimes, because I worry that we’re just stupidly codependent on each other- but I think it’s as simple as missing the chemistry we have together, missing my submissive and my lover.

I couldn’t stop touching him. And I’m not a hugely touchy feely person. Every chance I got I would run my hands over his chest, along his thighs, around his arms. I just want to bury my face into his chest or tummy and never let go. The body of someone you love becomes one of the most comforting things in the world- the scent of them, the softness of their skin, the wiry hair pressed against your cheek. Every time we part ways I have to learn to sleep alone all over again. Walking away from the boy to go through security was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while.

I don’t understand people who say they couldn’t love their submissive- I can’t imagine him in my life any other way. He's not some object to me- he's a complimentary piece to me.

And one day, I'm going to marry that boy- my boy, my fox, my lover, my partner, my submissive.

Until then, we'll keep snatching these moments together- some of the most precious time I have.

More blogging will follow later- I have multiple reviews to work on, along with some new insight into ageplay...!

I read a lot of erotica, and I have no shame about where or when I'll pull a book of smut out- there's erotic anthologies in my bathroom, by my bedside, in my purse, in the car. They usually have titles that are somewhat discreet- no "Anal Swap" here, though they often have a sexy lady half dressed on the cover. I mean, granted, it'd be awesome to see more sexy men on the cover too... but I digress.

"Women in Lust", a collection of erotic stories edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, was therefore my airplane reading as I flew out to Massachusetts. Promising to be about lust, not love, I picked this up hoping to have tales with some edge to them, and I have to say... I wasn't disappointed.

While these stories are mostly heterosexual with a couple of lesbian/bisexual stories in there as well, I really enjoyed the mixture of female dominance and submission... with a central theme of women getting what (and whom) they want. I also liked that the women were different ages, not focused on the young, perfectly fit pornographic type- I really enjoy reading stories about older women seducing and guiding younger men, as a cougar-in-training myself! Most of the authors were new to me but delightful to discover, avoiding many of the usual erotica tropes to excite the imagination... though I will say I think "red and weepy" is a description best given to a wound, not a cock head. Aspiring smut writers, take note. ;)

"Women in Lust"'s stories are also a good length for reading aloud, if you enjoy being read to or have all long distance relationship. I think I may have my boy read me one in particular about a boy chef while I soak in a bubble bath...

"Women in Lust" is available from Cleis Press and was given to me in exchange for a fair and honest review. Thanks Rachel!

I've gotten a little collection of Halloween sex toys and costumed porn going on at this point, from "Pirates" to "Batman XXX", from alien vibrators to scorpion bullet vibes (and let me tell you, even KNOWING the vibe was in there, I opened the box and shrieked when the toy jiggled in such a realistic way!) I love this holiday more than any other.

Well, Good Vibrations has a whole Halloween guide ready, whether you want to dress up and go out, or dress up to stay in.

Personally? I recommend the Incoqnito necktie, which the boy and I love for sneaky mischief! Or have your own midnight showing of the "Rocki Whore Picture Show"...

Happy Halloween!

Photo courtesy of Ghimages and Masquerotica

Tonight, I am watching in horror as my twitter feed fills with stories of protest and fighting back amongst teargas and police violence. I have avoided the protests, frankly, because I am scared of my own temper- I'm afraid I would hurt the cause and myself, because if I saw in person some of what I'm seeing on film, I would go into a blind rage. Knowing that people are being jailed and held without access to necessary medication, for example, or seeing a flashbang thrown into a crowd of people helping someone up from the ground after a tear gas attack fills me with such incredible disappointment. And yet I also feel such a swelling of pride when I see members of the military standing up for the protesters.

I don't have much in the way of resources, but I am going to scrounge up what I can to help. Because I am part of the 99%. I am a sex worker at the moment largely because I have been unable to get other work- despite being highly qualified for a job in marketing, I have been passed up, at least in part, because I want to earn a living wage. I have spent months trying for other jobs, in multiple fields, to no avail. As a woman, the one job I can do where I am guaranteed to make more money than a man is in the world of the sex industry. And that is incredibly fucked up.

I watch my 80+ year old grandmother stress about the stock market, because her pension depends on it. I watch her worry because social security is not sustainable, because the company that provided her health insurance pulled it out from under her. I've been encouraging her to move to Canada, because I do not believe the US is a safe place for her anymore. If I could flee, I would, too. I don't have that choice.

Yes, sex work is my choice, and I do generally enjoy my job, even if the Daily Mail declares me a "winning whiner". There are other underground, under-the-table jobs I could do to make money and fund my activism, I'm sure- I choose sex work in part because I believe in using the money from those who have privilege to help those who do not, in part because I need to make more money in shorter time so I have the privilege of time to spend doing activist work, and in part because I do not believe that consenting sex between adults should be regulated. But I am not going to pretend, either, that there but for the grace of "God" go I- who knows how long it will be before I am doing survival sex work, taking risks simply because I need to make money and my options are whittling down to nothing?

I support #OccupyOakland, and I am intensely proud of their bravery in continuing to stand up. The right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances" is in our Bill of Rights, and it's being violated tonight, not for the first time, and not, I fear, for the last. If that means anything to you, too, I'd encourage you to do what you can to support those at #OccupyOakland tonight, and your local #Occupy as well. If you are going there to protest, read up on how to take care of yourself when dealing with tear gas and be prepared. If you are not able to (and I respect that being in a position to do so comes with its own privileges, or the desperation that comes from having nothing left to lose) then I recommend reading their list of needs and dropping off donations.

This is not some rabble-rousing hippie anarchist group- as Fight Club would say, "Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on: we cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances, we guard you while you sleep.

Do not fuck with us."