"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a better past" - Lily Tomlin

 

I masturbated for the first time since you left me.

 

just letting my mind wash over thoughts of letting go

letting go of you, and us, and bad patterns

thinking of how we would never do this position again

or that roleplay again, how I'd never curl up next to you again

how you'd never rub your beard against my neck again

I pressed that vibrator to me

and came, hard

releasing you

 

and cried myself to sleep

 

 

god I miss you

 

as horrible as it sounds

it would be easier if you were dead

rather than just in denial

of my existance

and your issues

 

then I feel like I could mourn you without embarassment

 

it seems like an awful lot of fuss

over someone still walking around

who never cared enough about me

to let me be vulnerable

or cared enough about himself

to let himself be honest

 

the death of a relationship is still a death

just with no body

and no funeral

 

we both stayed because we needed to not feel alone

we clung to each other

our mutual fear of abandonment

wrapping us into a web of codependency

until all we could do was cannibalize each other's sanity

 

I still feel like I need you, some nights

and that's the problem

 

it's why we stay with those who hurt us

because our abuser is also the one

 

who kisses us

 

goodnight

 

 

even as they smother us with a pillow

and walk away

whistling

 

************

I've been really struggling at times with my attachment to the fact that seemingly I'm spending a lot of time reflecting and going to therapy and trying to get better, and my ex is gadding about and pretending that he did nothing wrong and now that he's free of me everything's good. It's painful, and I grieve the loss of, not just him as a lover/partner, but him as a friend and ally, and as a brother/family/pack member. Still, the more I reflect, the more I realize that if I accept him where he's at right now, he's not in a place that's healthy for me to engage with him in any way- and it's ok for me to feel sad about that, but that doesn't mean I should cave in. It's so hard. I miss him so much sometimes. But love is not enough.

I went to a thing called Breakup Dharma, which I recommend if you're in the Bay Area though dear god set up aftercare. It was a lot more intense than I initially felt, and that night and the next day I felt like I had gone through an intense scene.

Anyway, there were some notes I took that I wanted to share:
-unresolved grief  can push you over the edge suddenly and overwhelmingly- it's healthy to flow with your feelings rather than suppressing them or fixating on them (and denial is a form of fixation)

-I don't tend to doubt my own confidence or strength, per se, but I doubt my safety being vulnerable with others- I'm working on letting go of guilt that asking for what I needed or being honest about where I was at caused me to be abandoned.

-as a leader/activist I tend to feel a drive to help people more in need than I am- but if I'm not in a place of feeling like I can advocate for my needs to be met and that can happen in some way then I feel even more alone/scared

-due to the above, I tend to go for fierce independence instead. This is why I don't tend to get fucked at sex parties- I worry that I'd have to be vulnerable and explain what I need/like and what's working/not working and it might be frustrating if it doesn't work so better to just be a stone top and meet other people's needs.

-this leads to me feeling overwhelmed by being "the strong one" a lot. And then I fear that if I crack that at all I might crumble.

-I need to find balance between self-sufficiency and feeling like I have to be able to handle everything ever on my own- my fear of codependence leads to a fear of ANY sort of interdependence which is equally unhealthy.

-I knew what my boundaries were. When I respect them, and am with someone who really respects them, I feel good, the relationship feels good. I can do open relationships when boundaries and communication are effective. When they aren't, I can't do *relationships*, period.

-I can do my own work as I always have. His not doing his personal work on his anger management issues and mental health issues is about his lack of self-love, his confidence, his codependency, not a reflection on *my* value or worth.

-I decide my own value- and my boundaries are part of that value and reflection of said value.

-I can think about how much better things are now while still honouring when I feel sad or wistful for the past. And asking myself *why* do I want to contact him- what would that bring to my life? Or is that so I can rerun the relationship and cause myself more suffering?

-next time- I want a partner who teaches me, actively, as much is not more than what I teach them.

The photo above is of the altar I made for our relationship.