3:15PM Saturday, October 27
when it happened
you told me not to ask you to stay
that i needed to respect your boundaries
and your word
when i had tried to leave you, mind
there were four hour discussions of why this wasn't necessary
promises made for better behaviour
i gave you space to evolve
i gave you time
because i loved you, and i had faith in you
and in us
you denied me that
which is, i guess, your right
but i want to lay it on the table
there was kindness i offered you
that you denied me
when i had reached the end of my rope
and i called you
it was not to manipulate you into staying
it was not to bargain
it was because i wanted to apologize for making you feel trapped
i felt like the worst person in the world
i realize now that it was a cage you built around yourself
begged me to lock you into
so you could then scream about how cruel i was
you always did like hammering nails into your own hands
i wanted to die you know.
you talked me down by saying how you weren't vanishing on me
that i mattered to you
that what wasn't working was our couplehood
which, frankly, was a relief.
it wasn't working for me either.
we both needed help or we were going to end up on a gurney.
and your promised me
"i'm not going anywhere."
then you left. completely. and you left me devastated. again. worse, this time.
you used to be such a shitty liar. now your poker face kept me distracted
while you robbed me of what was left of my my heart and hope.
let's be honest. now it's too late to bargain. neither of us have anything to lay on the table.
i wish we could talk again. i kind of wish we could be friends.
but the amount of ownership for how you acted is beyond your capacity to care
and that will never happen.
you're too self-absorbed.
i hear your silence is supposed to be your way to help me heal
to help me move on- bullshit.
it's because you don't want to deal with the pain you created
don't want to see my tears. this lack of you isn't helping me heal
it's making me question you ever loved at all.
so i bargain instead with pills and gin
for the perfect combination that will make me as numb
cold-hearted and ruthless