I've just come home from an intense 6 day trip in Toronto, home of the Feminist Porn Awards and the Feminist Porn Conference. 6 days among other women, other queers, other porn performers, other feminists. In that time I have witnessed moments that made my heart soar, my eyes tear up with love and the fiercest of joys, pride in the people I hold close to me. I have experienced moments that hurt my heart, that disappointed me, moments that underlined how privilege can alienate and divide us. I spoke to academics, I spoke to sex workers, I spoke to sex workers who were academics. It was a weekend of realizations, inspiration, determination… and I came away from it all feeling exhilarated and ready to change the world.

Even though I've been performing in arguably feminist porn for several years and have been a feminist sex worker my whole adult life, this was a new experience for me. I've never been able to make it to the FPAs (being a queer porn performer is more personally fulfilling than financially sustainable) but thanks to a dear friend I was gifted the funds to go this time. As I work with TROUBLEfilms my hope was to be present to support "Girl Pile", "Trans Grrrls", "Hard Femme" and "Femme Facial", as well as our site Indie Porn Revolution. I also looked forward to hanging out with porn performers I knew well, and meeting new ones I had admired online.

Feminist porn has become pretty popular even within the mainstream over the last year. AVN held a panel called "The Feminist Porn Mystique". XBiz gave out an award for Best Feminist Porn Release. Ellen Page praised feminist porn. Even though it's been around in some form since at least the 80s, and the Feminist Porn Awards have been around since 2006, 2013-2014 seems to be the dawning of an era of porn and feminism being linked, not just for political reasons but for marketing ones. There are, of course, questions and debate about what constitutes feminist porn, and discussions of how porn can be both empowering and disempowering under our current systems of oppression. But less and less do the words "feminist porn" seem like an oxymoron.

I stayed with my girlfriend who lives in Canada for the FPAs/FPCon, which was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because I wasn't terribly far but was far enough to have my space (plus someone to snuggle!), but also a curse because that distance cut into some of the experience of hanging out casually I might have had otherwise. It also meant, though, that I got some much needed off time away from the bustle of the events. I went to the City Council meeting and saw Rob Ford in person, ate some incredible ramen I'll dream about for years, and had poutine with bacon and maple syrup.

On Thursday I dressed up and went to the VIP party to have a couple glasses of wine before heading to the theater. They were screening 10 hot porn shorts up for awards the next day, and I wasn't familiar with all of them. What was particularly interesting to me was seeing the very different styles of shooting, along with the music each one choose to accompany their piece. I was grateful not to see anything screened that triggered me (something I was concerned about due to a particular person being in attendance) and was thrilled to see many things that excited and interested me. Australian porn performer and Penthouse Pet Zahra Stardust, in particular, made work that entwined the political with the pornographic in ways I found satisfying, and I definitely ended up wanting to see French producer Ovidie's full piece (I think on privacy and nonmonogamy, and filmed like a documentary). "Bed Party"'s exploration of straight queers struck close to home as a queer in a relationship with a cis man. But the piece that stuck with me was "Best Slumber Party Ever" directed by Samuel Shanaboy. You have to see it to understand, but suffice to say it was a crowd favourite. There's a sequel coming, by the way.

Friday I started with a press conference in which I ended up being pretty shy (it totally happens)  and then hung out getting ready for the award show. I managed to tease my hair into a beehive which surprised me and wowed everyone else, which made me reasonably proud. I got ready with Courtney Trouble and it was really nice to have femme one on one time! Then it was off to the Awards, where the entertainment sizzled, the people were hotties all around, and the emotions were high. April Flores's husband, the late Carlos Batts, received an Indie Icon Award and her speech made me tear up. TROUBLEfilms won awards for Hard Femme and Trans Grrrls, which was delightful and exciting. I was grateful to be on stage to accept an award for a scene I felt really, really proud of, with fierce fat femmes who were/are my icons. You can find the winners at the bottom of this post!

After that I got to sit in and help out with a hot threesome shoot between two long held porn crushes, Wolf Hudson and James Darling, and a brand new one in Zahra Stardust (who was fresh from winning heartthrob of the year). Also with us was Courtney, doing the main footage, and a lovely journalist whose mind I think was expanded in all the best of ways. It was a really sexy scene, and I can't wait for you all to see it! For now there's just one BTS photo I'm willing to leak and it's right here. I also really recommend you look at everyone's sites because there's a lot on there to make your heart flutter- watch Wolf's dancing, James with unicorns, and Zahra talk politics. Yum yum yum.

Then it was time for the conference. I did better than I normally do at conferences and went to a session in every block except one. The sessions I sat in on were "Feminist Porn: What It Is, What It Isn't, And Why It Matters", "Getting In and Getting Out", and "Evaluating the Outcome" on Saturday, and "Aussie Porn" on Sunday, with the panel I was on "Do Porn Stars Deserve Privacy" the last one before the closing keynote. I appreciated the discussions being had (though I think every session should have its own hashtag for easy catching up) and found myself often wishing I could be in two places at once! Having in depth discussions about various aspects of feminist theory and pornography, as well as assessing what feminist porn is, what ethical porn is, and what we need to do better, is vital for representation and intersectionality. I felt inspired and determined, which is a good way to be after a conference. I was also EXHAUSTED.

I'm glad to be home, but I had an amazing time in Toronto. It's inspired me to make more porn, better porn,  as well as to buy more porn from indie performers. My brain is still whirling with ideas of what to present on next year, both on screen and in a panel. I learned how far feminist porn has come to differentiate itself from the mainstream, and how it's influencing the mainstream, but I was also made aware of our failings as a movement and how we can do better. I'm curious how to film for the desires of asexual folks, for example, or how i'd make a porn for my mum. And, well, I love a challenge. Game on!

Feminist Porn Award 2014 Winners:

Best Short
No Artificial Sweeteners
Sonya JF Barnett (The Madame)

Sexiest Short
Trains | Paul Deeb (Pillow Book Productions)

Steamiest Straight Movie
The Temptation of Eve | Jacky St. James (New Sensations)

Golden Beaver of Canadian Content
Power at Play | Carey Gray (House of Switch)

Best Direction
Sexual Freedom (Sex Stories 3) | Ovidie (Frenchlover TV)

Feminist Porn Awards Smutty School Teacher Award for Sex Education
Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples | Tristan Taormino (Adam & Eve)

Hottest Dyke Film
Hard Femme: Lesbian Curves 2 | Courtney Trouble (TROUBLEfilms)

Honorable Mentions
Something Better: Performers Talk About Feminism & Porn | Ms. Naughty (Indigo Lush)

Best Slumber Party Ever | Samuel Shanahoy (tee vee dinner)

Doing It Again Vol 1: Playful Awakening | Tobi Hill-Meyer (Handbasket  Productions)

Honorable Websites
www.juicypinkbox.com
www.naughtynatural.com
www.welovegoodsex.com
www.wendywilliamsxxx.com

Hottest Straight Vignette
Xconfessions | Erika Lust (Lust Productions S. L)

Hottest Lesbian Vignette
Women Reclaiming Sex on Film | Madison Young (Madisonbound Productions)

Hottest Kink Movie
Rubber Bordello | Soma Snakeoil (Snakeoil Media Productions)

Best Boygasm
Bed Party: Eden Alexander & Sebastian Keys | Shine Louise Houston (Pink & White Productions)

Tantalizing Trans Film
Trans Grrrls: Revolution Porn Style Now! | Courtney Trouble (TROUBLEfilms)

Heartthrob of the Year
Zahra Stardust

Movie of the Year
Silver Shoes | Jennifer Lyon Bell (Blue Artichoke Films)