so i'm still here.

  1. Update:

    -I have spent a lot of time containing my incredible anxiety so that I can be someone people can get support from. When I moved here, I vowed I didn't want to be read as crazy anymore, so I hid it, mostly successfully.

    -Things have been close to a tipping point for a while.
    -Mike left me a week and a half ago, in part because my fear was controlling him and it wasn't functional, in part because our communication was wretched, in part because our needs weren't being met
    -I read a tweet where Mike said that he changed his profile image- "before I was in bondage, now I am free" which made me feel like shit- I felt like our entire relationship was a lie and he was rubbing it in my face publicly how glad he was to be rid of me while I was ruined
    -I packed a bag with all the medications I had and enough booze to sink a ship full of sailors because I felt like I had lost my soulmate forever
    -I drove for a while. I knew I had obsessed about the bridge, so knew I couldn't go there. Everyone would look for me there. So I went in the opposite direction with the intention of checking into a motel and ending my pain there
    -I decided to call Mike. I don't know why entirely- I wanted him to know I hurt, I guess, and we hadn't talked on the phone really since the breakup.
    -I kind of expected him to be defensive and blame-y and douchey, but I wanted to say goodbye, and I didn't want him to wonder what had happened.
    -Instead, he was very present with me- I wasn't always making a whole lot of sense, but he was pretty patient. I'm a little annoyed that he heard "please don't disappear from my life, and I hope that maybe, someday, we can revisit a healthier relationship, though god not now" as "stay with me or I'll kill myself" but that's a perfect example of the communication issues we have, so there we go.
    -Maggie explained it well. It's like there was an electrical storm in my head. Mike was the rod I needed to focus and breathe and move on. I feel like I got the closure I needed.
    -I spoke to the cops and we made an agreement about a course of action.
    -I drove back to the Bay and met up with Maggie. I got meds for anxiety (klonopin and topamax) and Maggie made sure I ate. I also got back to as many people as I could, including my family.
    -I made a plan for Vegas with Avens O'Brien, who is someone who has known me and my mentals for a very long time. She's willing to make sure I'm responsible with my meds, and we're going to keep me on task with work and distracted remembering how to have a fun time the rest of the time.
    -I'm flying out so I don't have to worry about interactions with my meds. I'm getting bloodwork done first, and will be back in time for my appointment with the clinic on the 26th.
    -I will postponing my trip to London until such a time as I feel more emotionally healthy.
    -I am safe right now, and I actually want to get better. I want to get better because I want to feel better- I want to get better because I want to be a better partner down the line (with or without Mike), and because... evolve or die. I'm choosing evolve.
    -I am incredibly sorry for the fear, sadness, and worry I put you through. No one did anything wrong, or could've done better.
    -Know that it was real. This was not a bid for attention. I had overdosed multiple times during the week in an attempt not to feel.
    -I am really honored to have such a massive online family, however. Thank you for keeping me alive. I will need support, definitely- but I won't let you down.
What you can do to help if you so choose:

-send me funny limericks about how stupid men are
-send me playlists of breakup music that helps you through
-send me silly videos
-send me hot people to have casual sex with
-send me voicemails here and there over the next week to say hi and remind me you're there
-when I get back from Vegas- take me out with you. Only let me turn you down once.
-hug me, even if I look like a strangled cat when you do it
-record a bedtime story- it was a tradition for Mike and I, and it really helped me sleep- if you're willing, I'll send you a link to my dropbox

thank you ♥

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