the words hit like a tsunami.
i was watering our future
straightening the linens
making space for you in my life
warming the hearth for you
it was a beautiful day.
we had kissed, declared our love
and parted ways. nothing unusual.
the weather report said that the storms were lifting
that we were facing blue skies
i never saw the wave come
because I was waiting for you to come home
i was facing the other direction
facing the future.
you crashed through
and it was all mud and rage and pain and fear
destroying everything in your path
these things bubble
under calm seas
and annihilate lives.
sometimes there's no point in swimming.
so Mike left me last week. he had read me a story the night before- talked for days before about our wedding with his family and friends, and then I woke up to an email that said it was over. my issues around him seeing other people had become too much- my fear trapped us both. too late i discovered i may well have an anxiety disorder of my own, and my struggles with trust could have been medicated and mediated. there was no chance to find out.
we've had all sorts of issues. he was physically abusive to me, often with me being physically abusive back. boundaries were often an issue. we both had sexual misadventures that hurt the other and were hard to recover from. still, i thought we were getting better, moving forward. i didn't realize, while i was planning wedding flowers, he was planning escape.
he considers me controlling. this is both true and untrue- true, because the control was something i felt i needed for stability, and because he seemed to want to be controlled. when i told him i didn't want to be his Domme for a while, he begged me to change my mind. but the control is what he left me for in the end. untrue, too, because these things are complex, and there are pages and pages of chats where i would say one thing and he would hear some extreme alternative. often, these arguments were about one girl- one girl i felt uncomfortable with in my gut, but couldn't articulate why. he became obsessed. i became paranoid. our relationship was no longer about us, but about a battle of trust where no one really could win. later i'd discover my gut was dead on, but it was no longer relevant. it only made it hurt more- i lost my life partner, as i always feared.
we both knew the relationship couldn't go on the way it was. i wanted us to be open and was paralyzed at what that might mean. we fought a lot (one of his complaints was that "our friends" called us the drama couple and worried about our fighting) and while our communication was improving fighting long distance when sex is not imminent isn't terribly appealing. he was scared to move here. he was scared to get married. i'm sure he felt he was doing me a favour in the end, not just by leaving but by being cold about it.
i would fight to have my lifemate back even now. i wonder how stupid and naive that makes me, but never mind.
what he perhaps doesn't understand, and might never, is that he abandoned me. not just as a lover, as a partner, as a submissive... but as a best friend. he was my little boy, and i mourn him as such, feeling the pain of a mother who cared so much and whose child has vanished. i also lost a political ally, the stick that held me up so i could fight the world. and i lost my Daddy, the one person i trusted to keep me safe.
losing him, i really did lose everything.
and he seemed to take it in stride, which hurt more- flirting with women, going out, having fun, not having time or spoons for me. why should he, after all, he wasn't my fiance anymore. i expressed my pain, my disbelief, and he said i was insane. later i discovered our breakup was the topic of discussion in places where i had invited him, where i was now painted as controlling and borderline abusive by people who never asked me what happened. and he's afraid to talk because he doesn't have the spoons? baby, i've been making do with my hands, and i'm losing the battle.
i attempted suicide. and i don't know that i really, truly, want to get better, if i'm honest. this was true love, for me. this was my chance at normalcy. he took my heart with him and tossed it in the rubbish. i don't know i can recover from that, if it's reasonable to ask me to.
he'll probably get pissed off at me for this blog. i'm tired of explaining over and over what happened. it's enough trouble to make it through the night. i hope he's happy with his choice.
i have fought on so many levels for such a long time. i carved a space for him in my life, and now i can't live in it- he's blossomed, he's succeeded, and i am ready to lay down my arms and say- you win, world. you win.
or maybe this was an earthquake
The Big One.
the one we knew was coming
while mostly brushing aside.
i thought i had prepared our rations
our plan, our survival
but we grew complacent
stopped gluing down the valuables
blocked the emergency exits.
sure, there were rumbles under the earth.
just facts of life
living as we did.
now our infrastructure is gone.
i'm crying for you under the rubble
where i am broken, so broken
unsure if i can save myself
and you don't hear me.
we didn't plan for this.
there's no insurance plan
to cover broken hearts
or the pieces of a life