Review: "Hairy Twatter"

"Hairy Twatter" had one thing going for it- it didn't have a laugh track. But other than that, this was not an easy porn parody to get through. I was bored most of the time. The SFW trailer was pretty much all the non-sex stuff that happened in the entire porn, so I don't know how they made a non-sex version for the DVD!

We start off with some really terrible and kind of seasickness creating graphics, only to get to a non-ginger Ron (Tyler Nixon) and Harry (Seth Gamble) talking about the dream Ron had the night before. In his dream, all the girls at the school are suddenly able to grow pubic hair, which they currently can't (?) and he's desperate for this to be true. So Harry goes looking for the possibly not evil Hella Trix (Katie St. Ives), who apparently got this spell from a wizard that allows her to grow a bush. It's very trim and manicured, mind, but there!

Hella shows this to Harry, and tells him he can have the spell if he goes down on her, so, well, he does (which is nice). Hella finds his signature glasses uncomfortable so she removes them, causing Harry to say "I can't see anything!" so Hella shoves his face into her cunt saying "you don't need to see anything" which I enjoyed. There's a lot of spanking, which was fun, but not a lot of talk in character, which bummed me out. Somehow during the sex that ensues his glasses are back on, which is actually kind of nice as there's not a lot of guys with glasses in porn. The sex scene is all right, but not really the magic I hoped for.

Harry goes back to Ron and tries the spell to give everyone a bush. Apparently it works, because Hormone (played by Jesse Andrews, and I'm not making this up, that's what they called her) comes in later and shows Ron her hairy pussy. He's delighted, she tells him he's an idiot, they demonstrate how British slang doesn't really work with a Valley accent, and they're off, making out a lot before a long blowjob. There's sex that happens, which... I mean, she's cute, but I was kind of bored already. It's all pretty standard heterosexual porno sex.

Then we have Winey (Sammy Grand) who is supposed to be Ginny I guess?, and Neville (what a strange choice... played by Logan Pierce) meet up on the stairs and she shows him... wait for it... YES! her bush. Of course. He eats her out, she gives him a blowjob which kind of lacks interest, and they have sex. She tends to look at the camera a lot during the scene like she's trying to figure out what to do next, which suggests to me not having the greatest sex ever. I fast forwarded a lot.

At this point, I pretty much can anticipate how the scene will go. Girl (this time "Janine", played by Nora Skyy) meets boy (this time Harry), flips a minuscule skirt up and pulls panties down, shows boy her bush, and they have sex. It's only blow jobs and hand jobs in this one, until he comes on her face and uniform. Again, she's cute, but there's not a lot of creativity here.

Oh god. Two performers decided to fake British accents in the last scene and it's really bad. Really, really bad. Draco (Michael Vegas) wants to tell on Harry, of course, but is persuaded not to by Luder (Tara Lynn Foxx) who tells him they can have sex if he doesn't tattle. This is the first scene where they actually seem glad to be there and enjoying the sex, which after the first four scenes is a nice change of pace. This is also the first scene with any Harry Potter related banter at all during the scene, which made it more interesting. Still, the acting was a bit over the top during the sex, which was distracting.

I mean, honestly, most of the porn actresses seemed not to be really *into* this. I don't get the impression they liked Harry Potter a lot, or their co-stars, or the fucking. This would've been a great porn for girl-next-door types, but they didn't. The set was pretty terrible (understandably) and the costumes were cheap. I feel like if you're going to do a porn parody, you need to put effort in, or just don't bother.

I can't really recommend "Hairy Twatter", as the sex was all right but not remarkable and the parody part was minimal.

Categories: parody, pop culture, porn, think of the children!

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