post-playa thoughts

I went to the desert this last weekend, the same desert that Burning Man happens at. I'm a huge fan of many of the things around Burning Man- the self-reliance, the camping with friends, the art, the madness, the giggling. I've been to BM three times, but never made it to 4th of Juplaya, BM's wilder, gun-toting, train-hopping sister. When I was here at the right time, I decided I should give it a go.

I really enjoyed myself, of course. The desert is beautiful, and I was with some of my closest California friends. I kind of needed some time away from the computer, too, so it was really good for me. It was the first time I was on the playa without a romantic and sexual partner, however, which was an interesting experience. As most of my friends are coupled up, I was really aware of the boy being in the UK, and it actually hurt my heart to know I had only gotten through one month without him. I have at least 3 more to go.

It sucks.

Still, I did learn something out there in the dark and the dust. I learned that I can be part of a couple and still have a good time on my own. I don't have to be able to sleep with other people in order to have a good time with them, or even an intimate time with them. I don't have to be poly to be happy. There is in fact one person out there that fills almost all my needs while giving me space to explore anything else I want, and I love him for that.

And I learned that the boy is a young soul, all puppy-like and wide-eyed, and I'm an old soul, street- and person-smart. He invigorates me, keeps me interested- I give him stability and clarity. And I am still head-over-heels in love with him. I didn't know that was possible, to be honest. I thought love was a chemical thing and you either settled or you didn't. Yet here I am, still starry-eyed and giggly when I speak to him. He still turns me on more than anyone ever. He is totally my other half.

And frankly, sometimes I'm really surprised by that. I've been kind of a cynic about love for quite a while. This being in love and having a fiancee and even wanting to get married, maybe even pop out a spawn? It's crazy talk. But I'm thinking about it, seriously, and that's... well. Kind of awesome.

The playa taught me (and reminds me) to follow my heart, even when it seems crazy, even when it seems impossible, even when I'm scared. And that's what I do, again and again. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be here, wouldn't have met the love of my life, wouldn't be wildly happy.

Even when it's hard, it's better than not taking a chance.

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