So a big part of this blog is talking about Personal Shit, right, including deep dark secrets that I hold in my heart (and clit). This blog entry is like you finding the stash of wank material under the bed, and I'm really excited to share it with you because I think consensual sexual expression is a Good Thing for those who want it. I'm also kind of nervous, and if you were here, you would see that I'm blushing, because, well, I have a reputation to uphold and this is kind of against the grain. Or maybe not, maybe there's lots of other queer femme Domme-leaning switches like me who hide under covers and jerk off to similar things. I hope so, cause it's a little lonely on this ledge.

I'll whisper it.

I have the fantasies of a straight white dude.

PLEASE DON'T HATE ME

I really don't know when it started, or where it came from. But I have been shy about *even my partner* seeing what I search for on Pornhub. Keep in mind I'll happily talk to him about getting a Bad Dragon dog cock for our puppy play, or pissing in his mouth, or, as I've been doing recently, whining and flailing about my desire to electrocute my pussy and not being able to because first we didn't have the right batteries and then the box broke. I'm not exactly a shrinking violet when it comes to talking to my lover about fantasies.

But those are subversive fantasies. And that feels ok, having subversive fantasies, especially ones that don't privilege heterosexual interaction or male gaze type stuff.

THESE ARE DIFFERENT

These are cliche! These are normal porn search terms! I realized this by looking at the incredibly offensive and hypnotic live porn search stream on PornMD (TW- they use the T word). Yet I find myself creaming all over myself to them in the safety of darkness, alone, over and over again. Maybe I really get off on the shame, I don't know.

You know you've done a fair amount when heterosexual sex is really kinky to you.

Anyway, I figured I'd go into five. Just five of them. A girl needs SOME secrets after all and you can't have all of them.  Deep breath, here goes!

 

Anal 
I am obsessed- OBSESSED- with anal sex and anal play. I have in my mind always wanted so badly to be able to handle anal sex, but it's always felt uncomfortable to me. I suspect no one has ever really been slow enough to make it worth my while. I've even been tempted to try something like Anal-Eze, even though I know the sensations of discomfort mean to slow down, because I worry I'll never get there if I don't get over the hump! I know better though. I'm just impatient.

I watch probably more porn featuring anal sex than anything else and I watch it with ENVY because I really want it, it makes my clit so incredibly hard, but my body, so far, has Not Been Into It. I've experimented with butt plugs, and as long as I put them in myself they feel ok, but my fantasy is to be able to have someone else do it and just enjoy the sensations (which is why I've recently gotten a pony plug from Crystal Delights....!).

Ok, my REAL dream is to be (at least) double penetrated *coff see below coff* and being able to have anal sex would greatly assist in that department.

Gangbangs
So I've done gangbangs before, queer ones, lots of women and one guy (always as a giver, too, not the receiver).... but that's not what I'm jerking off to. Nope, it's the bog standard, girl in the middle of the room, lots of men around her type gangbang. I'm not picky about this fantasy- bent over an office table is one I see a lot, or I like the idea of being just on a round bed surrounded by hard cocks, or I could be strapped down to a medical table and used by a staff of Victorian student doctors. Whatever. The point is to feel overwhelmed with cock- blowjobs, in my cunt, up my ass, spunking all over my tits and hair.

You have to understand, in many of my sexual encounters *I do things to them*, very stone femme style. They don't do things to me. This fantasy totally changes that dynamic so that I'm the center of attention. That feeling of loss of control is one I find hugely erotic, particularly as I am a massive control freak in every other area of my life.

Interestingly, I shift drastically between fantasizing about an encounter where I'm "taken" vs one where I give myself eagerly- sometimes I like one, sometimes the other. Sometimes the perceived lack of safety is part of what makes it sexy, even if there's precautions in place. And sometimes, it feeds into the next fantasy...

Creampies
Creampies, where a guy ejaculates inside a woman's pussy or, sometimes, her ass, REALLY does it for me... until I orgasm. Then I have a really interesting recoil reaction, I think because there's a part of me that feels weird getting off on what seems like heterosexual penetrative sex for procreation. Also, because I think "AAAAAA STIs", though I'm reassured about that when I watch porn as I know the testing guidelines are typically pretty strict.

It's not enough for it to just be an anal creampie, either, which is why I think it's because I find pregnancy so scary and taboo for myself. It's when it trickles out over her labia that I get off. I've enjoyed it when the guy comes on her pussy rather than in, but that's pretty rare. Most of the time I enjoy it if someone cleans the creampie up- but, weirdly, only if it's someone who is not the recipient of the come. I realize I am now outing myself as someone who watches ENOUGH creampie porn to have these kinds of specifications figured out.

Human psychology, fascinating stuff, huh?

Messy Blowjobs
This is a relatively new thing for me. I learned through a client of mine that I really liked playing with spit, and after that it was kind of all over- gags that keep the mouth open for blowjobs, or just to watch the drooling. I think messy blowjobs offer some indication of excitement and passion to my brain, plus the sounds are really hot for me. I *can* deep throat, though I do have a bit of a gag reflex. I have a real hardon for trusting a guy enough to let him put his hands on my head and guide me during a blowjob.

I discovered how into this I was when I had some insecurity about my blowjob technique and watched a ton of blowjob porn only to find myself scrambling for the hitachi rather than focusing on moves. I discovered that while I loved messy blowjobs and spit was sexy, bukkake on the face was not my thing at all. Too many experiences with come in my eye, I imagine!

Baby Oil
This was out of left field. I was looking for something (anal I imagine) and found a baby oil video where she was rubbing it all over her ass. I think she drizzled it all over her breasts and her belly as well, and I was hypnotized by how shiny her skin was (also interesting as latex doesn't do much for me outside of fashion). I was completely transfixed and found it the hottest thing ever. I ended up watching a lot of "sexy massage" videos after that and was really surprised at how my clit responded. Sometimes I think my clit and I are two different people!

This is another one of those things where my logic brain pipes up "but Kitty that's not really a great lube particularly as it's not latex-safe" and I tell that voice to shut up because I'm busy, my eyes wide, my hand cramping from gripping the hitachi so hard.

So, there we go. Here I am, a queer femme Domme-leaning switch with some of the the most mundane fantasies in the world.

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