New Year's Resolutions: 2015 in Review (tl;dr it can die in a fire)

hedgehogI actually love New Year's resolutions. Taking a moment to sit and check in with myself about my goals and what I've accomplished tends to make me feel pretty good about myself while also giving me gentle space to see what I still need to work on. It also gives me a chance to look back in prior years, to see what I've moved on from, and what I'm still working on.

2014/2014 review
2013/2013 review
2012/2012 review (same post as 2013)
2011/2011 review

Here's 2015's resolutions in review, and how I did on them (you can read the original post here):

Give up FOMO/Accept my introversion

2015 was the year I stopped going to things I felt “maybe” about. If I didn’t feel comfortable, or I was tired, or being in my pajamas sounded nicer, I just stayed home. I did cancel plans a lot more than I used to, but I also made better plans, plans that actually felt good and energizing to me. I expected to feel a lot of FOMO but instead found myself happy about missing out and getting to hear people’s stories, rather than going and feeling drained.

Instead of focusing on parties and events, I worked more on my writing, watched a lot of movies, read a bunch of books, and drank a lot of tea. Most of my hangouts were one on one, which felt really good and I feel like I solidified some friendships by having that focus. I definitely want to do more of that in the upcoming year.

Allow myself to feel safe/Learn it's ok to say "no"

I did not start out the year particularly good at this, but by the end, I think I learned a lot about my boundaries. I learned that it was more important for me to feel seen than for me to be nice. I learned that I deserve a partner who makes me feel good about myself, not someone who made me feel like I was in a competition for his affection. I learned a deserve a workplace where my work is appreciated and recognized, where I have a chance to grow and shine, not just as a mirror and magnifying glass for someone else’s achievements.

For many years, I have compromised a lot of myself. On my last date with my ex, I remember staring into the fire and saying “I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’ve become so many things to please others”. But the thing is, it doesn’t make me feel safe. It makes me feel small. It took most of 2015 to get here, but I feel a lot more confident saying no, saying what I want and what my boundaries are.  After my breakup, which was very toxic and made me feel even less heard/seen, I wrote up a document of my relationship needs and dealbreakers. While I keep it a living document, I’m also finding that my lovers and friends now are already meeting it. And with that, I feel secure, and safe.

Trust myself as an artist

“I’m not an artist,” I said for years. “I’m an enabler of artists, I’m not creative”. 2015 was supposed to be the year I opened up and discovered my artistic self, and in some ways I did. I made my first porn movie, “Here Kitty Kitty”, though honestly that was not the vision I really had. I think that my artistic vision comes out most in my porn music videos, “Someday My Prince Will Cum” and “Take Me To Church”, and they’re actually decently popular, much to my surprise. I would not have guessed that they’d both have a 90% rating on Pornhub, of all places, considering they’re pretty stylized and a bit weird.

So I’m going to continue to make art. Not purely someone else’s vision, but my own, in collaboration with the fabulous performers I know. I have some ideas, and I believe that not only are they good ideas, but they’ll actually sell. I need to stop second guessing myself and some into my own. I think I’m ready, now.

Trust my sexual appeal/Take care of my body

Ever since I was a teen, I have been insecure about my desirability, like most people, especially women. As a survival sex worker, I learned that whether I felt it or not, I had to maintain a facade of confidence, even brashness, about my sexual appeal. It’s always felt a little forced. I tended to date other people in the fat spectrum in order to feel safe, because I felt wary of slender/toned people and their genuineness in wanting me. Unless a thin person had dated fat people before, I tended to turn them down.

Honestly, that’s not a bad metric, I found out. Someone who is pretty but who consciously or unconsciously makes me feel insecure and has no capacity for supporting me through it is not worth it.

I’m still working on this one, at least with the sexual appeal part. I’ve done much better at taking care of my skin, eating better, and taking my medications. I get a massage every couple weeks which is helping me with chronic pain. I still struggle a lot with eating disorder stuff, and in fact one of the reasons I realized I had to dump my ex was because I was becoming anorexic again. But this is probably the biggest work in progress, in part because I was in a relationship where I felt I was always going to be less than, and a workplace where I was never allowed to be the star. 2016, though, I’m going to challenge myself on both fronts- ask for what I want in bed, ask for reassurance when I need it, and make self care a priority.

Whew, I’ll be glad to see the ass end of 2015, how about you?

Categories: anxiety, best of, body stuff, communication, consent, reflection, resolutions

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